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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody : Chapter II
By fordprefect
Chapter Two
[Recap: Aragorn heads to meet up with Host after a close encounter with the moderators who stalk him. Dan and Crow are traveling to Cast+Crew to seek judgement about the Access Code which has resurfaced. Carna and RaptorVinny500 have joined forces to keep the Access Code out of the grasp of SGD who needs it to control the site. Carnotaur3 and Vinsfield head to warn someone of the danger facing the monarchy of Dans JP3 Page. Find out what happens next in Chapter TWO…]
“ This looks like a good place to sleep,”
“ I don’t know Dan. We’ve only been traveling for four hours,”
“ Ah, who cares what you think. I’m setting up camp here,”
The Crow scowled and muttered under his breath the various things he would like to do to Dan.
Dan lay down on the hard gravel and pulled his cloak around him. He embraced the Access Code in his arms and slowly his eyes darkened.
The Crow yawned. He dropped onto his knees. His eyelids became steadily heavier. The stars slowly blurred out of focus and he blinked.
There was trumpets sounding. A rooster crowed.
“ What the?” The Crow snapped awake.
“ What the hell is wrong with you? I try to get one hour of sleep but –”
“ No! Dan Look!” Yelled the Crow.
Dan followed his finger until he could see a village in the mountains. On the mountainside printed in fifty foot letters stood the words – Cast+CrewLand. The last four letters were charred and broken; a flaming airship embedded into the railings.
“ Crow! I found it! We’re there!”
“ I’ve seen it,” said the Crow.
“I first saw it in 1949. It was going to be the land of tolerance. Peace.”
“ Are you going to kill me?” asked Crow nervously
“ yes,”
“ why?”
“Because there is no land of tolerance. There is no peace. Not here, or anywhere else.”
“ You don’t really mean you’re going to kill me,”
There was a silence. The two of them started wordlessly up the mountain path to the village.
************
The Host sat down on a chair. It crumpled and exhaled a large cloud of dust.
“ This is your last chance: You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” He said.
Aragorn sighed. He picked up the red pill and chewed on it. He was scared. The Host was scaring him, he was so creepy.
“ Aragorn. Your life is in danger,”
“ great,”
“ Those moderators are out there. And when they find you. You’ll die.”
“ I’m ready for them. I am the Heir to the throne of Dans!”
“ I’m not gonna waste my time arguing with a man lining up to be a hot lunch,” said Host calmly.
“ Alright, What do I have to do?”
“ Give up your claim to royalty and then flee.”
“ What?” Aragorn spluttered, “ No, I can’t! I can’t flee. I’d be picked off and killed!”
“ I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Host on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did. It's your father's Ban Gun. This is the weapon of a moderator. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, but an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the moderators were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Message Board. Before the dark times, before the spammers”
Aragorn picked up the Ban Gun. “ You were on the Message Board?” he asked,” what happened?”
Host sighed. “UFX submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Aragorn. We were coming back from the island of ‘Search’ , we'd just delivered the bomb. The I.P ban bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first moderator for about a half hour. Canadian. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that in the water, Aragorn? You can tell by looking from the Head to the Waist. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Aragorn, Moderator come cruising, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sort of like you see in the calendars, you know the squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the moderator come to the nearest man, that man he starts pounding and hollering and sometimes that moderator he go away...
“ but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that moderator looks right at you. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a Moderator is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at you, he doesn't even seem to be living... til he bans you, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. The page turns red, and despite all your pounding and your hollering those moderators come in and... they ban you to pieces.”
Aragorn gaped. He couldn’t believe it.
“ Who were these Moderators?” He asked tentatively.
“ Rick Arnold.” Said Host, his face shivering, “ JPJunkee, Yvonne, Ben and Monki. And another one called MALCOLM. Malcolm won’t participate in any shooting though. His name stands for ‘Mentally challenged ALgorithmic COmputer Linking Module. Most call him MAL affectionately,”
“ I have to flee,” said Aragorn, “ for my life,”
“ exactly,” said The Host.
“ and what about you?”
“ I have been summoned to a meeting in Cast+Crew. The Access Code has resurfaced.”
“ Things get better and better,” said Aragorn. He picked up his ban gun and with a wave of his cloak was gone.
The Host turned to the window and looked out. He was sending Aragorn to his death.
************
Two days later…
“ Welcome All!” Cried Snake-Mark. He stood in front of a ring of people in the peaceful village of Cast+Crew. Carna, RaptorVinny500, The Host, Dan and The Crow sat among others listening intently.
“Strangers from different lands, friends of old you have been summoned here to answer the threat of SGD. Dans JP3 Page stands upon the brink of a knife, none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. We are all bound to this one fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Code, Dan,” Snake Mark smashed his hands into his chair.
Dan walked slowly up to the front of the crowd and placed the Access Code onto a stone pillar. He got back to his feet. Snake-Mark eyed it angrily. His arms clenched with fury.
“ It is a gift!” Said dark hunter, “ A gift to the foes of SGD. Why not use this code? Long has my father, the Steward of the Message Board, kept the forces of SGD at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give the Message Board the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!”
Dark hunter filled with pride. He was a young man but naïve.
“You cannot wield it. None of us can.” Yelled Carna, “ The One Code answers to SGD alone. It has no other master,”
“And what would a pensioner know of this matter?” spat dark hunter.
“This is no mere pensioner,” said Seth Rex with contempt, “He is Carna, headmaster of Pigwarts. You owe him your allegiance.”
“ J’ai douze ans Seth Rex!,” Spoke Carna in the old Author tongue.
“ Pigwarts has no headmaster. Pigwarts needs no headmaster,” swallowed dark hunter.
“ Carna is right!” said The Host, “ we cannot use it!”
“ You have only one choice,” said Snake – Mark, “ The Code must be destroyed!”
“ Then what are we waiting for?” Yelled Dac, lunging forward with his chainsaw.
The chainsaw shattered on contact with the Code and Dac was thrown back into the crowd.
“ The Code cannot be destroyed, Dac, son of Oviraptor, by any craft that we here possess. The Code was made in the fires of Mount Dom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Fan Art and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.” Said Snake-Mark profoundly.
“ One does not simply walk into Fan Art.” Muttered dark hunter, “ Its links are guarded by more than just spammers. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the great face is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash, and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand could you do this. It is folley.”
“ Have you heard nothing Lord Snake-Mark has said? The Code must be destroyed.” Said Seth Rex.
“ And I suppose you think you’re the one to do it!” sniffled Dac.
“And if we fail, what then? What happens when SGD takes back what is his?” asked dark hunter.
“ I will be dead before I see the code in the hands of a Victorian!” Cried Dac looking pointedly at Dark Hunter, “ Never trust a Victorian!”
A babble of argument started breaking out between the crowd. Heated debate and confrontations stirred.
Dan stood up; “ I will take it! I will take the code to Fan Art” He cried.
Carna turned, with great sadness in his eyes. The crowd fell silent.
“…though I do not know the way,” continued Dan.
“ I will help you there,” said Carna. Carna took his place beside Dan.
“ If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will! You have my Wand!” said RaptorVinny500
“ and you have my gun,” said Seth Rex.
“ …and my chainsaw!” grumbled Dac.
“ You carry the fate of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then the Message Board will see it done,” Dark Hunter also joined Dan.
The Crow moped behind Dan; he would be coming as well.
“ I too shall accompany you on your quest.” Said Snake-Mark.
The Host also siddled to Dan's side.
“ WAIT!” cried a voice in the bushes. Two men burst out of the thicket and dropped before the crowd.
“ Do not leave before we have had our say!” Bumbled Carnotaur3, “ We bring bad news,”
Vinsfield got to his feet.
“ Yeah,” grunted Dac, “ I see him,”
Dac and Vinsfield faced each other for a while before Carnotaur3 spoke again.
“ Who are you?” Rumbled Snake-Mark.
“ I am Carnotaur3, bartender and this is Vinsfield, FedRex employee. We have witnessed an assassination attempt on the heir to the throne of Dans JP3 Page. Six beings trying to kill the monarchy,”
There was a stunned silence. Carnotaur 3 explained his story again. Finally Carna spoke.
“ Carnotaur3 and Vinsfield. You have done well. Join us on our quest. We will save the monarchy.”
Carnotaur bowed clumsily.
“ It will be an honour sir,”
“ yeah,” said Vinsfield, “ We serve the king!”
“ So be it! Ten companions. You shall be called – The S-men!” Snake-Mark smiled joyfully at the motley crew.
“ But we will need transportation…” pondered Carna to Seth Rex.
Seth Rex muttered something to Snake-Mark
Snake-Mark started to laugh. “ Snake-Mark. I'm captain of the Blue Eagle. Seth here tells me you're lookin' for passage to the Fan Art system?”
“Yes indeed, if it's a fast ship.” Added Carna.
“Fast ship? You've never heard of the Blue Eagle?” spluttered Snake-Mark.
Seth Rex drew his gun – loaded it with poppy seeds, and made his way out of the circle. The rest of the S-Men followed. They were going to what could be their doom.
************
Aragorn flung himself into the abyss. He had only recently given up his claim to the heir of the throne of Dans. Now, he had chosen exile – fleeing from his assassins. Behind him, he could hear the roaring of motorbikes. It was getting louder – the Moderators were getting closer. He was running before he hit the ground. The motorbikes screeched to a halt somewhere behind him. He himself skidded as he met a new obstacle – a vast forest of thorns.
Behind him, a moderator unmounted.
“ Shiiiiiiire – Baaaaaagins!”
Aragorn shivered. He felt cold – very cold, like all the happiness had gone from his life. Aragorn leapt into the thorns – that would keep the element of surprise on his side.
He landed in a crumpled heap on the ground, missing thorns by inches. He crawled carefully avoiding the sharp spikes of death. Somewhere above him, he could hear the moderators cries.
“ If you ever come back, we’ll kill you!”
The last words echoed through the hall of thorns. Aragorn had no choice now. He exited the thorn field and ran, enduring scorching deserts and blistering winds. Until he couldn’t take it anymore and he collapsed. The vultures swooped down for a feast.
“ Yeehaw!” Cried a voice.
“ Bowling for Buzzards!” said another, “ gets me every time,”
The vultures were thrown into the air by the charging run of the two marauders.
“ Hey, Parasaur.W, you better come see this.”
Parasaur.W walked over to his companion. He eyes fell on the body of Aragorn and his ban gun and he yelped in shock.
“Jeez, it's a moderator! Run, Quick Comment! Move it!”
“Hey, Parasaur.W It's just a little moderator. Look at him. He's so cute, and all alone!” said Quick Comment softly, “ can we keep him?”
“QC, are you nuts? We're talking about a moderator. Moderators ban guys like us,” seethed Parasaur.W
“ Bu he’s so little,”
“ he’ll get bigger!”
“ maybe he’ll be on our side,”
“ A-ha, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he’ll be…Hey, I got it! What If he’s on our side? You know, having a moderator around might not be such a bad idea.”
“ So we keeping him?” asked Quick Comment, elatedly.
“ Of course, who’s the brains in this outfit?” pouted Parasaur.W
“ Uhhhh,”
“ My point exactly! Jeez, I’m fried, let’s get out of here and find some shade,”
Parasaur.W wiped his brow and walked off. Quick Comment scooped Aragorn up into his arms and followed Parasaur.W into the jungle.
************
“ What a piece of junk,” remarked Dac. The Blue Eagle sparkled under the sun. It was an old minibus.
“She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, Dac. I've made a lot of special modifications myself.” Added Snake-Mark.
RaptorVinny500 wandered round to the bus. He was about to board it when he was stopped by a security guard. His badge read Dark DNA
“ hey! Shoelace!” He pointed to vinny’s feet.
Vinny tied his shoelace.
“ oh and you might wanna…” Dark DNA pointed to his tie.
Vinny fumbled clumsily with his shirt. Then he finished and smiled at the security guard.
“ much better…now can I help you?” questioned Dark DNA. His colleague laughed heartily. His badge read Symbiote Spider.
“ I want to get onto the bus,”
“ I’m sorry; this dock is off limits to civilians,” smarted Dark DNA
“I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately. Apparently there's some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen, such as yourselves, did not merit an invitation?” asked RaptorVinny.
“ Someone's got to make sure that this dock stays off-limits to civilians.” Proferred Symbiote Spider.
“It's a fine goal, to be sure. But it seems to me... that a coach like that one, makes this one here seem a bit superfluous, really.”
RaptorVinny500 looked pointedly at the coach in the background. It was as big as a building.
“Oh, the Desert Storm is the power in these roads, true enough. But there's no vehicle as can match the Blue Eagle for speed.” Revealed Dark DNA.
“I've heard of some, supposed to be very fast, nigh uncatchable: The Moderators motorbikes.” Offered RaptorVinny.
“ well, there’s no real vehicles, as can match the Blue Eagle.”
“ The moderators motorbikes are real vehicles,” protested Symbiote Spider.
“ No, they're not,” hissed Dark DNA.
“ Yes they are! I’ve seen them!”
“ you’ve seen them?”
“ yes!”
“ you haven’t seen them!”
RaptorVinny500 was thoroughly amused at all this.
“ Yes I have!” Protested Symbiote Spider.
“You've seen motorbikes with black wheels that's ridden by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?”
“ no,”
“ no,” said Dark DNA with a relieved sigh.
“ But I have seen motorbikes with black wheels,”
“Oh, and no motorbike that's not ridden by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could possibly have black wheels, therefore couldn't possibly be any other vehicle than a moderators motorbike. Is that what you're telling me?”
RaptorVinny500 left them to their arguments and entered the bus. It was roomy, with an accordion passageway into a second bus behind.
“ This is so cool,” he muttered before stopping by a map of Dans JP3 Page.His attention drawn to the area ringed with mountains with the letters FAN-ART encircled by fire. Directly to the left of that was written ‘las cinco muertes’. RaptorVinny knew what that meant, the five deaths…
************
“ Wake up,” Parasaur.W rolled Aragorn along the ground and he snapped back into life.
“ what the?” he cried.
“ You okay, moderator?”
“ I guess so, I’m not a moderator,”
“ oh…” Parasaur.W looked a bit saddened but eventually decided that this was a good thing.
“ So where you from?” asked Quick Comment.
“ Doesn’t matter, I can’t go back,”
“ Ahh, you’re an outcast! That’s great so are we!”
“Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I am king. Hail to the King, Baby”
“ that’s sad. But…when the world turns its back on you - you turn your back on the world!”
“ that’s not what I was taught…”
“ well, you need a new lesson,” continued Parasaur.W “ repeat after me…Klaatu Barrada Nikto,”
“ what?” said a confused Aragorn. “Klaatu Barrada n... Necktie... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word!”
They sang some crap for a few minutes, then Parasaur.W leads Aragorn into the jungle. He pulls back a few ferns.
“ Welcome, to our humble home –JPMemories.”
“ You live here?”
“ yeah we live wherever we want!”
“ you guys are homeless tramps?”
“ I didn’t say that,”
“ It’s beautiful!” said Aragorn.
There was a roar in the jungle.
“…but deadly,” breathed Parasaur.W
Parasaur.W was a small man. He was perky and had a big ego. His face stretched and young. His wavy hair tossed in the breeze. He was the complete opposite to Quick Comment. QC was a large and bulky man. His clothes stretched in places, but his muscles as strong as an ox.
Aragorn would fit right in with these outcasts.
TO BE CONTINUED…
8/1/2004 5:44:56 PM
(Updated: 8/1/2004 6:10:38 PM)
(Updated: 8/2/2004 6:44:05 AM)
(Updated: 8/2/2004 1:27:25 PM)
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