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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter XIV
By fordprefect
Chapter Fourteen
[Recap: Aragorn feels guilty as he blows up half of Message Board. Carna, RaptorVinny500 and Paleeoguy allow themselves to be captured in order for Dan, Crow and Mithrandir to continue their journey. Carna flings them to safety. Yvonne and Monki meet their doom at the hands of a Spammer Queen. The S-men find a transmission…a plea for help for JP3 Chat. They journey there on the back of a wizened dragon, who turns out to be Dac.]
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Dac roared mightily and crashed violently through the metal ramparts surrounding JP3 Chats. He snorted and stomped on several citizens before Host subdued him.
Drucifer67 pulled his heavy black jacket around him and coughed loudly, sliding off of Dac’s back.
“ Take me to your leader!”
A large, heavily built man with several knives protruding from his body, stepped out from the crowd. “ I am Cheetah167. Who are you?”
Drucifer67 chortled and glanced at the other S-men. “ Surely, you’ve heard of us. Surely you’ve heard of me! The great wizard, Drucifer67 – son of the great Paleeoguy. The Man who vanquished Spammers in the days of Dan’s TLW page!”
Cheetah167 raised an eyebrow. “ I do recognize you now. You are the S-men of whom I have heard news from Cast+Crew. Where is the code of power?”
Drucifer67 shrugged.
“ I see,” Cheetah167 said slowly. “ What is your business here in JP3 Chat?”
“ We heard a distress call – a distress call that’s been playing for sixteen hours over and over. You said – ‘they’re all dead’. ‘It killed them’ ‘It killed them all’.”
Cheetah167 drew himself up to his full height. “ A new power is rising! From the west an army of spammers marches upon JP3 Chat. No mercy shall be given. A war is beginning that will shake the roots of this site to its very script.”
Snake-Mark turned slowly to look over the great wall that had protected JP3 Chat for many years.
In the distance a large grey swarm marched towards them. Even from here, Snake-Mark could make out their great weapons and beasts.
Seth Rex loaded his gun. “ There will be no spammers in JP3 Chat!” He cried. “ We fight them!”
A cheer came from the crowd and a lone shout of ‘Loser’ rang through the city.
The Host spurred by this display clambered to the top of a trebuchet and held his arms aloft. “ The Spammers are coming! They are going to take your children! They are going to kill your families and spam your city! Will you give them that pleasure?!”
“ NO!”
“ We will not let the freedom of this site go without a fight! A captain goes down with his ship!”
“ YEAH!”
“ I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long hours of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of member crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realised; no survival for the Website, no survival for all that the Jurassic Park page has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope.
I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among members. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, come then, let us go forward together with our united strength!”
“ YEAH!!!!!1111”
Cheetah167 pushed him off the pedestal and addressed his public himself.
“The Chat Room and the S-Men, linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength. Even though large tracts of this website and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the dark lord and all the odious apparatus of Spammer rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Message Board, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then the internet beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the Jurassic park webring Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.”
A few members started crying. A man in the third row started clapping slowly and slowly it spread until the great nation of JP3 Chat was applauding loudly and whistling loudly.
Every person on that page grabbed a pistol and filled the streets and houses ready to defend their gracious town. The S-men walked valiantly to the top of the wall.
The war had begun.
*********************************
“ Wake Up! WAKE UP!”
Paleeoguy groaned in pain and snapped his eyes open. He was tied to a stone wall by his arms and legs.
Ben was standing in front of him with a Ban Gun firmly grasped in his hand. Rick Arnold stood behind him with a cigar firmly clenched in his teeth and his eyebrows furrowed deep into his eyes.
“ How the mighty have fallen,” Rick Arnold chuckled. “ Not so tough now are we?”
“ what?” Paleeoguy struggled. Carna and Raptorvinny500 stirred.
“ I thought it very gracious of you to save the code-bearers by sacrificing yourself and allowing yourself to be captured. But unfortunately for you, they were detained shortly after I captured the three of you,”
“ Lies,” spat Carna jolting his head up.
“ Oh really!” snorted Rick Arnold, “ Ben, get me the thing,”
Ben held up a silver chain linked shirt. It was beautiful. Rick pointed at Carna.
“ Believe me now? This is a Mithril shirt! Do you know who wore a mithril shirt?”
“ Dan doesn’t wear a mithril shirt you moron! That’s not his,”
Ben cleared his throat, “ No it’s mine,”
“ It’s yours?!” Rick turned, “ you IDIOT, why did you give me your shirt and tell me it was the codebearers?”
“ I thought it would be funny,”
Rick Arnold punched a hole in Bens face.
“ Anyway,” continued Rick Arnold, deflated, “ I’m going to ask you some questions. If you do not co-operate, I will kill you,”
“ We’re not telling you anything!” RaptorVinny500 growled
“ Oh come now. You’re hopelessly at a loss. We have the advantage. All the years of battle between the moderators and the wizards finally come to an end culminating in the few remaining wizards standing here in front of me.”
Carna let his eye wander onto Rick Arnolds face. “ I feel it Rick Arnold. Your spammer army marches upon cities all over the site. You hope to achieve the conquest SGD almost had all those years ago. But surely you are scared?”
“ Scared of what? I’m not afraid of anything,”
“ Originally six moderators roamed this site. For years it has been so – yet within the past few hours, three moderators have been deleted and one is missing.”
“ Worthless excuses for moderators.” Spat Rick Arnold, “ I’m surprised they survived as long as they did. Ben here has the I.Q of a goat.”
Ben chewed on the hem of Rick’s shirt.
“ What were you planning to do?” Rick asked, “ I traced your I.P’s across the site and you’ve been traveling in this direction for a while. You were perhaps planning to storm this palace and destroy SGD and I? And to a lesser extent Ben?”
“ I will reveal none of my plans.”
“ Listen to me. You are all about to die anyway. You might as well tell me. Where is the rest of the S-men? Where is the one you call Dan?!”
“Go away. How is it working for a scumbug like this? You proud of yourself?” Raptorvinny500 asked Ben.
“ Ease back, RaptorVinny500,” warned Carna.
“I'm required by law to serve my clients to the best of my ability, and to serve their best interests.” Said Ben.
Rick roared loudly. “ ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTIONS!!!”
Silence.
Rick grabbed his Ban Gun and aimed it at the trio and blasted off several shots. A purple haze filled the room as an alarm screeched throughout the compound.
“What the HELL was that?” Bellowed Rick Arnold.
“ It’s…uh…Well, it’s the safety feature. It means that the prisoners can’t shoot us.”
“ YOU MORON! Their hands are tied to the DAMN WALL! Your crappy safety feature means I can’t shoot them!”
“ Um…yeah. But no shots can penetrate the barrier…”
“ I’ll penetrate your barrier!”
“ Anyone catch that on tape?” smirked RaptorVinny500 cautiously.
Rick Arnold shot Ben in the face and punched him repeatedly in the head.
Ben pointed shakily to the corridor. “ There’s a wall mounted pad. Controls the safety features in here. You can turn it off and then there’ll be no barrier.”
Rick shot Ben in the abdomen and he dropped to the ground winded. “ Where is it idiot?! Show me! Or these three won’t be the only executions happening today!”
The phone rang shrilly over the alarm.
“ WHO THE HELL’S THAT?!” Rick yelled. His face had turned so red that the sheer hear radiating from him set a file alight.
Ben fumbled clumsily through the purple gas to reach the ringing phone. He grasped it firmly in the hand and held it to his ear.
“ Hello?”
“ Hi there! Your phone number has been randomly selected and you’ve won our grand prize! Call within 180 seconds to claim your all expenses paid trip to gator.com! Now you can enjoy th…”
“ Hey boss! We’ve won the grand prize!”
Rick Arnold lunged at him through the haze and started to throttle him. The phone fell back onto the hook.
“ Boss! The prize…ack…boss…let go…ack..kc..gha..”
“ Shut up! Shut UP! SHUT UP!”
Ring Ring!
“ Boss! It might be them again!”
Ben tried to make a grab for the phone but Rick Arnold wrenched it from his hands and screamed into the mouthpiece.
“STOP CALLING ME YOU AS –”
“ What?”
“ spino_goin_down?!” Rick Arnold almost dropped the receiver, “ I’m sorry my lord, please forgive my…”
“ I don’t have time for your incompetence, Arnold. Shut up and tell me what’s going on?”
“ Huh?”
“ Why the hell is purple smoke swirling around my floor and why is ‘Don’t they know it’s Christmas Time’ blaring into my ears,”
“ That’s the alarm sir, and the defence mechanisms for the prison block.”
“ I see…I’m holding you responsible for this, Arnold. You can see to it that this sea of purple that my room is engulfed in is drained.”
“ Uh…yes sir…We’ve detained three wizards. Associates of the code-bearer…”
“ you have?” Came SGDs booming voice. “ Impressive. Most Impressive. I would like to visit them personally. I shall be down in a moment.”
“ What, now?”
“ No, tomorrow,” SGD said sarcastically, “ Of course 'now' you idiot!”
SGD hang up.
Rick Arnold looked around and moaned. The phone fell off its brackets and crashed to the floor. The room was pure purple, impairing vision at 5cm range. The flickers of flame had spread from the file to the ceiling and carpet and now a murky gray joined the gas. The prison block was ruined. Rick grabbed Ben unceremoniously by the collar and dragged him into the corridor.
“ Show me where the console is!” hissed Rick.
About ten minutes later Ben slumped against a blue box protruding out of the wall. Rick stopped abruptly and pushed him to the floor. He was instantly immersed in the purple gas. Ben got up shakily.
“ Switch it off!” Rick ordered.
“ Switch what off,”
“ The safety mechanisms! And the alarm and smoke!”
“ Will do boss,” Ben replied drunkenly. He smashed his fist into the keyboard awkwardly. Rick groaned – Ben was too traumatized to know the passwords…
ACCESS GRANTED
“ What the hell?” choked Rick Arnold.
DO YOU WANT TO IMPLEMENT THE SAFETY FEATURE? Y/N
Ben smashed ‘N’.
DO YOU WANT TO SHUT DOWN THE SAFETY MECHANISM? Y/N
Ben Smashed ‘Y’
DO YOU WANT TO SHUT DOWN THE WARNING SYSTEM? Y/N
Ben smashed ‘Y’
ENTER ANY COMMANDS _______________
Ben smashed the keyboard: FORMAT C://
There was a whirr. The console started to smoke and the screen flashed bright blue.
WARNING! THE SYSTEM IS EITHER BUSY OR HAS BECOME UNSTABLE. YOU CAN WAIT AND SEE IF IT BECOMES AVAILABLE AGAIN, OR YOU CAN RESTART THE CONSOLE.
PRESS ANY KEY TO RETURN TO THE CONSOLE AND WAIT.
PRESS CTRL+ALT+DEL AGAIN TO RESTART CONSOLE. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED INFORMATION IN ANY PROGRAMS YOU ARE RUNNING.
PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE.
The smoke and alarm ceased. There was a silence. Rick slammed Ben’s head into the keypad and dragged him hurriedly back to the prison block.
The haze started to clear. Rick Arnold cocked his gun and shot three times at where their heads were supposed to be. Just to wake them up until SGD got here. The purple gas dissipated to leave – the prisoners were gone.
Rick Arnold stood shocked for a while and stared. He stared at the hanging shackles and the opened weapons drawer. He stared.
Ben giggled.
“ You – What – What did you do?” Rick asked exasperatedly.
“ Well, you asked me to shut down the safety mechanisms and I did. That’s the barrier that prevented your shots. It also includes the shackles and locks on the doors. That would effectively leave the prisoners free.” Ben babbled, his eyes crossed over from one eyeball to the other. His pupils moved in a dance around his forhead.
Rick’s mouth opened in horror at his own negligence. The prisoners were free. Rick took the ban gun and shot off round after round into Ben’s head.
“ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
Ben grinned dopily at him. “ Well. Look on the bright side. At least it cant get worse.”
“ You incompetent idiots. Where the hell are my prisoners?” growled SGD.
******************************
“ Detonate the bomb, Aragorn!”
Aragorn held up the bomb and looked at the city in front of him. In the distance he could see a little newbie playing with a yo-yo. And a tear fell from his eye as sorrowful music played in the background.
“ I won’t do it,”
“ Aragorn, just detonate the bomb. Come on, we can do this. From one brother to another.”
“ No, I can’t. I will not kill my own people.”
“ Aragorn.”
“ No, I’m sorry. We should come up with a better plan,”
“ This isn’t the time. In ten minutes, this hill will have the armies of Message Board chasing us away! Just detonate the bomb!”
Aragorn stared at him.
“ Aragorn – did this come out of nowhere? I’m your brother,”
“ No JPJunkee! Don’t you see, my city needs me!”
“ Needs you to kill them! They don’t know their own situation,”
“ I can save them from SGD!”
“ We are saving them from SGD!”
“ No – we need to stop this – I need to stop this! I’m going to reclaim my throne!”
“ You have no right to your throne! What are you going to do? Barge in and kill your own father.”
“ Yes!” Said Aragorn, “ Will you be my right hand man JPJunkee?”
JPJunkee peered at Aragorn. “ No. There is only one way to cure this disease!”
“ I will not be a murderer!”
“ You already are a murderer,”
“ listen you, I just want to save my people without killing them!”
“ Sacrifices have to be made!”
“ NO! I will not be a party to murder,”
“ FINE! You do what you have to do, Aragorn, And I’ll do what I have to do!”
“ I will not let you kill what my forefathers have spent so much time building up,”
“ So we go our separate ways! If you want to stop me, you’ll have to kill me!”
JPJunkee pointed his ban gun at Aragorn. Aragorn backed up. He whispered to Quick Comment. “ He’s got a gun…you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”
“ Yeah, we switch our car insurance to Geiko?”
“ What? No…RUN!”
Aragorn grabbed Parasaur. W and Quick Comment and they threw themselves spread eagled down the hill. The shots of the ban gun cracked into the rock face around them.
“ You’ll never get away with this!”
“ I already have!”
Quick Comment helped Aragorn to his feet.
JPJunkee shook his belly like a bowlful of jelly and looked for the bomb.
“ Aragorn!” He yelled, “ What did you do with my bomb?!”
Aragorn smirked at him, “ I detonated it!”
“ You what?”
KABOOM
“ Oh HA HA, that’s very funny Aragorn…you just wait until I…I’ll…Aragorn? Aragorn?”
JPJunkee reattached his legs and arms and clanked around on the summit of the hill.
“ ARAGORN!!”
***********************
“ YAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!” Dan cried. The shape of the western side of the internet started coming into view. As Dan hurtled faster and faster towards the ground, he could make out the shoreline of DJP3P on the sea of the internet. How hard had Carna thrown him? He looked around. Crow was flailing his arms desperately in an attempt to fly. The rope around his waist connected to the neck of Mithrandir. Now the shapes of buildings blurred into focus and Dan hit the ground hard. Crow and Mithrandir fell in a tangled heap on a rock pile.
“ Ow…Where are we?”
“ I think…I’m in heaven…all this white…I think that…” Crow stammered cross-eyed.
“ We’re in a snow-drift…but there’s no snow anywhere on DJP3P except…except on the plains outside the black gates of Fan-Art.
“ If we’re not in heaven then why are there angels?”
“ What?” Dan turned to see Crow flirting with a slug. As he looked beyond, he could see the dark figure of the black gates of evil land of SGD. The skies were multiple shades of gray and the blue streaks of lightning were the only dash of color on an otherwise barren world.
“ Well, there’s the gate…We need to get out of this snow bank and towards that gate.”
“ All right, everyone. Hang on. We're gonna blast through the roof.” Cried Crow.
“ Uh, Crow?”
“ To Infinity and beyond!”
“ What are you? Insane? We’re wasting time. Stand still, Godzilla.” Dan hoisted himself onto Mithrandir’s back and punched through the snow. He pulled himself onto the surface.
“ I don't understand. Somehow, my fuel cells have gone dry.”
“ Hmmm, The gate is high up on that hill.” Said Dan, scratching his chin.
“ How are we gonna get up there?” Asked Mithrandir
“ Maybe if we find some balloons, we could float to the top.” Suggested Crow.
“ Are you kidding? I say we stack ourselves up, master,” prodded Mithrandir.
“ push the intercom and pretend we're delivering a pizza.” Crow grinned.
“ No,” Said Mithrandir, “ Mithrandir knows a secret way! You see, all along,
we thought the way into SGD's fortress was through the main gate, but in fact, the secret entrance is to the left, hidden in the shadows.”
Dan and Crow looked at where he was pointing. There was an unguarded grate. They opened it and hopped inside.
Crow beamed. “ Mission log. Have infiltrated enemy territory without detection...and are making our way through the bowels of SGD's fortress.”
**********************************
To Be Continued………………
12/26/2004 10:27:38 AM
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