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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter XIII
By fordprefect
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Chapter Thirteen
[Recap: Aragorn finds out that JPJunkee is his sister and vows to destroy Message Board in order to stop it from being overrun by spammers. Vinsfield starts a fight on Latest News with the spammers and the sailors besiege Majestic-1’s tower. The Wizards get into a brawl with Rick Arnold and Ben in Fan Fiction. MartinRandle and Guilty Spark reveal that the spammer park is not real and it was them dressing up in suits. The S-Men throw them out in the cold. Evilgrinch sympathizes with Dan and Crow and let’s them go free to continue their trek into fan art.]
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Drucifer67’s stomach growled.
“ I’m hungry!” He moaned. His puffy eyes fell on the table in the centre of the dining room. It was filled with food. He eagerly trotted off towards it beaming and frothing at the mouth.
He tried to wrench the spoon from its holder but it was stuck. Now how was he going to eat all this jello? He could see the problem. The spoon was bent into the table. Well, he’d just bend it back. He tried to bend the spoon. Host came in.
“ Do not try to bend the spoon: that’s impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth,”
“ What truth?”
“ There is no spoon,”
“ There is no spoon?”
“ Then you will realize that it’s not the spoon that bends: but only yourself…”
“ Are you saying I’m bent?”
“…No, I….”
“ Look, I just want to eat some jello – so why don’t you –”
The jello started shaking.
“ Shhh! What’s that!” Host pointed outside. Two Moderators were driving down the path.
“ It’s those two guys. They probably found a moderator suit and are trying to..”
In the other window MartinRandle and Guilty Spark were crawling away caterpillar style.
“ Crud.” Swore Drucifer67. “ Let’s go hide in the cupboard!”
“ No, Dac chewed the wood. The doors too weak.”
“ To the kitchens!”
The two men ran out of the dining room; babbled the situation to the others and piled into the kitchen.
“ What about the workers in the control rooms?!” gasped Drucifer67. “ They are not warned. I have to save them…for it is my destiny!”
“ You can’t!”
“ Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” roared Drucifer67 and he grabbed Host by the hand and started down the hallway. Seth Rex put a hand on Host’s shoulder.
“ What do we do?” whispered Seth Rex.
“ Lock the door,” shrugged Host.
“ And hope they don’t have blasters,”
“ That isn’t very reassuring,”
Host and Drucifer67 rushed down the hall while the remaining S-Men locked the kitchen doors and cleverly hid behind a table.
The door rattled slightly. The S-men trembled in fear. Monki pressed his face to the kitchen door and fogged up the glass pane. He drew a face.
The door handle slowly squeaked downwards.
“ They can open doors?!” gasped Snake-Mark.
“ Yeah but locked ones? You’d have thought that they wouldn’t be able to open a locked door. Not even I can do that,”
The two moderators pushed the door down and snarled as they stalked around the large tables.
Yvonne peered over the table that the S-Men were crouched behind. A centipede started crawling up Seth Rex’s trouser leg. Snake-Mark threw a sack of potatoes down the kitchen. Yvonne snapped her head up and started looking for the source of the sound. She then rendered herself unconscious as she walked into a cupboard.
“ Run!” Cried Seth Rex.
They got up and made a dive for the door. They lept over Yvonne’s body and pushed past Monki who fell into a freezer.
The S-men sped down the hall and nearly steamrollered Host and Drucifer67. They grabbed them and carried on.
They rushed into the main foyer and were about to make a bid for freedom when Monki confronted them from behind a white curtain.
“ Aarggh! How did they get here before us!” yelled Dac. He was about to turn when Yvonne stood in their path nursing her head. She was unbelievably close.
Seth Rex shot at Yvonne – she groaned and spun around for a second.
*Special Edition Scene ReWritten by George Lucas:*
*“ Aarggh! How did they get here before us!” yelled Dac. He was about to turn when Yvonne stood in their path nursing her head. She was unbelievably close.
Greedo Yvonne shot at Seth Rex, less than a yard away but missed terribly. Seth Rex shot at Yvonne – she groaned and spun around for a second.*
This was it. Their end. Monki lept into the air and froze. The camera panned around him. Unfortunately, while he was procrastinating, the Spammer Queen sneaked up behind him and ate him. There was a flash of green light as he was destroyed. Yvonne stared in shock. She rushed up to the spammer and leapt onto its back.
The S-Men were grateful for this distraction and lunged for the door.
The Spammer-Queen turned its head and bit off Yvonne’s arms. She screamed and the spammer-Queen roared and tossed its head as the banner behind it fell to the ground: WHEN SPAMMERS RULED THE SITE.
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Evilgrinch watched Dan and Crow as they picked up MikeyMike and left the detention cell area.
“ Sir, Are you sure this is a good idea?” spluttered the guard.
“ of course!”
The Guard growled; “ They’re up to no good! They’ll take the code to SGD! BETRAY US ALL!”
The other guards nodded in agreement and looked shiftily towards the three men walking off into the town square.
Evilgrinch blinked in annoyance. “ I'm a superstitious man, and if some unlucky accident should befall Dan - if he is to be shot in the head by a police officer, or be found hung dead in a jail cell... or if he should be struck by a bolt of lightning - then I'm going to blame some of the people in this room; and then I do not forgive. But with said, I pledge - on the souls of my grandchildren - that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made today,”
The guards gulped and then screamed as each was hit in the head by Rick Arnold’s bullets.
MikeyMike scowled and stomped in front of Dan and Crow so he was out of earshot.
“Master betrayed us! Wicked, tricksy, false! We ought to wring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both. And then we take the Preciousss and we be the master. But the fat guy. He knows. Eyes always watching. Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyses. And make him crawl.Yes! Yes! Yes! Kill them both. We could let 'Her' do it. Yes. She could do it. Yes, Precious, She could. And then we takes it once they’re dead. Once they’re dead. Hush!” MikeyMike grinned lopsidedly back at Dan and Crow and shouted out: “Come on,. Long ways to go yet. Mithrandir will show you the way. Follow me.” He chuckled.
Dan rolled his eyes. He vowed to push Mithrandir into the cracks of mount Dom. He was about to mention this to Crow when Crow pulled out his sword with a shock. It was glowing blue.
“ OMG! Spammers!” Yelped Crow.
“ You idiot! That’s a lightsaber – they’re supposed to turn blue when you switch them on!”
“ I thought they were supposed to detect spammers and –”
“ No…but wait!” Dan’s eyes glazed over, “ Warning! I’ve detected multiple covenant dropships inbound.”
“ I don’t believe it…it…it’s…”
“ Well, well well, look what the spider caught in its web,” Rick Arnold grinned shooting wildly at Carna and Paleeoguy. RaptorVinny500 had run out of ammo in his wand and had absentmindedly stuck a plasma grenade to his shoe. He was sweating too and it looked like he had worked up a big grunty thirst.
Dan and Crow shrieked loudly and Mithrandir jumped into their bag.
Rick Arnold jumped on a mushroom and grew to double his size.
“ It’s bigger! It’s badder! It’s too much for the wizards to handle!” Rick Arnold stomped, “ Some people are on the battlefield! They think it’s all over!”
Rick shot Paleeoguy in the face. “ IT IS NOW!”
Rick Arnold turned to face Carna. “ You know why the mods always win Carna?”
“ ‘Cause they have Mickey Mantle?”
“ What? No.. it's 'cause the wizards can't stop staring at those damn pinstripes,”
“ What?!”
“ I have a truly marvelous proof to this, which this margin is not large enough to contain,”
Rick Arnold chuckled and switched his Ban Gun to stun. He was going to get promoted for sure: He could see the code pulsing in Dan’s Pocket.
Or was Dan just happy to see him?
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The S-Men piled into the Blue-Eagle and drove to the top of the nearest mountain running over MartinRandle and Guilty Spark by accident.
“ Stop Here!” yelled Dac, “ Let’s use the radio to call for help,”
“ yeah, we’re lost,” admitted Snake-Mark.
The doors wouldn’t open. They were locked in.
“ I’ll do it,” Drucifer67 said smugly. He attached his wand to the door. The bus exploded.
“ Interesting,” chuckled Drucifer67.
“ You idiot! You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”
They jumped out of the wreck.
Host grabbed the radio and switched it on. “ A Bar! We’ve got a bar!”
Drucifer67 grabbed it and shouted: “Mayday! Mayday!”
The radio rang loudly.
“ What is that?” asked Snake-Mark.
“ feedback,” said Host snatching the radio back.
“ feedback from what? What would do that?”
“ I don’t know…” shrugged Host.
“ I’ll tell you what would do that. This guy not fixing the radio. The thing doesn’t even work,” snapped Dac.
“ No…no, no, no, no. It’s not broken.” Host nodded. “ We can’t transmit because something else is already transmitting.”
“ Transmitting from where?” asked Snake-Mark
“ what?” spluttered Drucifer67.
“ Somewhere close, the signals strong.”
“ somewhere close? You mean on the site? That’s great!” grinned Seth Rex.
“ Maybe it’s the other survivors,”
“ From the park? How would they even -?”
“ What kind of transmission is this?” asked Dac gruffly.
“ It could be a Sat-phone. Maybe a radio signal.”
“ Can we listen to it?” Asked Snake-Mark.
“ Let me get the frequency first. Hold on.”
“ There’s no transmission,” sneered Dac.
“ Shut UP!” growled Snake-Mark.
“ The rescue party. It has to be!”
“ No. It’s a distress call. A plea for help. And it’s coming from…JP3 Chat,”
“ JP3 Chat?”
“ Yes,” Host held the radio to his ear. “ Lord Cheetah167 needs help. An army of spammers are headed his way. He has taken his people to a fort in the mountainside. They cannot hold out for long. We must go there immediately to help!”
“ JP3 Chat is kilobytes away!” Roared Snake-Mark, “ The Blue-Eagle only runs on a 56k modem.”
“ No matter.” Cried Dac. “ For I am a dragon!”
“ I knew it!” pounded Seth Rex.
Dac suddenly turned into a fully fledged obese dragon. It was green with pink stripes. Dac looked awful – but now he looked worse.
“ What the hell is going on?” shrieked Snake-Mark.
“ Dac’s a dragon…”
“ I noticed…”
Dac roared: “ Witness the wonders of an ancient glory!”
Not knowing, or caring, what to expect from this new Dac, the S-Men stood on Dac’s head as he flew them away to JP3 Chat occasionally nibbling on Host’s face when he was hungry.
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Rick lined up Dan in his sights.
“ NO!!!!!!111!” Yelled Raptorvinny500, intent on saving Dan. He pushed Carna into Ricks sights and Carna was shot.
“ Curses!” Snarled Rick Arnold. He reloaded his gun angrily but RaptorVinny500 tackled him to the ground.
RaptorVinny was telefragged!
Rejoin in 5…4…3…2…1
Rick Arnold snarled angrily looking for RaptorVinny500. Raptorvinny500 pulled the rug that Rick Arnold was standing on and they grappled.
Dan was in shock at seeing Carna alive and promptly fainted. Crow decided to give mouth-to-mouth
RaptorVinny500 and Rick Arnold tumbled around on the floor for a while before Rick Arnold kicked him in the throat.
Rick Arnold grinned madly and used Ben as a shield from Paleeoguy’s shots.
Go Rick Arnold!
Rick Arnold used ban!
It’s not very effective…
Paleeoguy used dig!
It’s not very effective…
Rick Arnold used I.P ban!
It’s super effective…
Paleeoguy used Hypnosis!
Paleeoguy’s attack missed…
Rick Arnold used fly!
Critical Hit!
Paleeoguy’s is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!
Rick Arnold used thundershock!
Paleeoguy’s accuracy fell…
Rick Arnold used fire spin!
Paleeoguy fainted!
Wizards withrew Paleeoguy!
Go Carna!
Carna scooped up Dan and Crow in his hands and flung them far into the sky.
“ NOOOO!” screamed Rick Arnold. He shot Carna in the face. The three wizards lay unconscious on the ground. Rick wondered whether he should burn them. No…he had a better idea! He would tie them up and take them to SGD! Ha ha ha. He was so evil it hurt.
Rick tied the wizards up and shot Ben repeatedly until he woke up.
“ Ow, you know you didn’t have to shoot me!” growled Ben.
Rick punched him.
“ Okay okay! I’m up!”
“ that was for the smell,”
There was an awkward silence.
“ Here help me carry the three stooges back to Fan-Art,”
Ben obliged and hoisted them on his shoulders. They teleported away.
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Aragorn planted the bomb and armed it. They snuck away quietly.
From the bushes, they waited.
There was a loud explosion and a big chunk of Message Board broke away. Bodies were strewn everywhere.
“ Wahoo!” Cried JPJunkee loudly. There goes Message Board!
Aragorn grinned slightly but he felt a pang of guilt in his heart.
“ JPJunkee, are we doing the right thing?”
Junkee ignored him: “ I feel like destroying something beautiful,”
Aragorn looked alarmed and hid his face just in case Junkee would follow his threat through.
“ JPJunkee, are we doing the right thing?”
A body fell next to Quick Comment. Again, JPJunkee ignored him.
“Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?”
“No, I did not know that; is that true?”
“That's right... One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.”
“Really... ?” Aragorn asked exasperatedly.
“If one were so inclined.”
“JPJunkee, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met... see I have this thing: everything on a message board is single-serving...”
“Oh I get it, it's very clever.”
“ Thank you,” Aragorn said uneasily. He looked at the smouldering remains of the eastern part of the Message Board and felt a pang of guilt, knowing that the southern half would soon -
“ We have front row seats for this theatre of mass destruction.” JPJunkee grinned, “ The demolitions committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes primary charges will blow base charges and a few square blocks will be reduced to smoldering rubble.”
There was a huge crash and enormous blocks of cement hurtled towards them. They ducked as the forest around them caught fire, and once again for the third time that day, they found themselves running for their lives and their freedom. HTML shots pounding around them as the guards of Message Boards chased them in vain.
And Aragorn felt guilty today. And he knew he going to feel guilty tomorrow. He was destroying his own kingdom.
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To Be Continued……………..
11/25/2004 6:33:57 PM
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