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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter X
By fordprefect
Chapter Ten
[Recap: Aragorn, Quick Comment, Parasaur.w and JPJunkee arrive at the Message Board gates. MartinRandle takes the S-Men to his secret Spammer reserve in the jungle where Carnotaur3 meets his doom when a spammer is unexpectedly hatched. Vinsfield realizes that he can go back in time with the Delorean. Rick Arnold questions pfcGentry about the computing base that will enable him access to the files that MAL is headed for. Paleeoguy tells Carna and RaptorVinny500 about the sites history.]
Majestic-1 sat in his throne and carefully placed the last stuffed elephant on his pyramid. He clapped his hands with glee as the structure swayed but stayed firmly rooted to the ground.
A man burst in the heavy wrought iron doors. “ Sir! There’s been a breach of security!”
Before he could continue he was shot in the back of the head and fell to the ground. Behind him three men walked in. Majestic-1 sighed.
“ Spino_goin_down…couldn’t handle anyone having a bigger empire than you?”
“ Sorry Majestic-1 but, I need Message Board.” SGD smiled at him. Rick Arnold and Ben cocked their guns and pointed it at Majestic-1.
“ Not today,” Majestic-1 growled.
“ All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction,” SGD warned.
“ What you say?”
“ You have no chance to survive. Make your time. Muahahahaha,”
“ You’re not getting her without a fight!” Majestic-1 hoisted a cannon onto his knee and pointed it at SGD.
“ Now now, Majestic-1. You’re in a hopeless situation. You have no hope to kill me. If you try, my mods here will BAN you in a blink of an eye. Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you.”
“ So what are you going to do? You’re going to Ban me? No…if so, you would’ve done so already. I’m notoriously hard to kill or ban. You of all people should know that after what I did to Max.”
“ I know. I’m here to offer a proposition.”
“ You mean you’re going to kill me.”
“ actually Majestic-1, I won’t kill you,” Continued SGD, “ but I want you to leave. If you want, you can have Latest News. I have recently conquered it with my army of spamers.”
“ And If I refuse?”
“ I will Ban you and ship your carcass to one of the offshore islands.”
“ What’s in this for me?”
SGD shrugged. “ I need someone to keep control of Latest News. You will be my new captain, my new apprentice, my new sidekick.”
Majestic-1 looked at the guns pointing at his head and reluctantly nodded.
“ That’s better!” smirked SGD, “ nothing personal. I will of course ask you to get out of here. You can see yourself out. Keep me informed of the status in Latest News and you will have a fitting reward when I conquer the site.”
Majestic-1 leapt off his seat and strutted towards the door. “ What will you do now on your plan of conquest?”
SGD sighed as he sat in the throne of Message Board. He had wanted to do this all his life.
“ The year is 2004. Dans is entirely occupied by the spammers. Well not entirely! One small village of indomitable members still holds out against the invaders. And life is not easy for the spamming legionaries who garrison the fortified plains surrounding it. My next plan of conquest is to send my most powerful army to JP3 Chat. Their President Cheetah167 will not be able to withstand my sheer force of numbers.”
“ JP3 Chat, my lord, is ready to fall,” Rick Arnold bowed.
“ And then you’ll have complete control over Dans JP3 Page?”
“ Of course!”
Majestic-1 bowed and retreated towards the doors. He exited silently. It was not as bad as it seemed. Latest News was an important part of Dans JP3 Page. If he was in control of that, his power would be immense. Not as good as King, but better President than dead. He pressed the button on the elevator in the hallway.
SGD offered good things. Complete control of Dans JP3 Page! He was starting what he didn’t finish all those years ago. Majestic-1 wondered what would have happened if he had refused the task of killing Max.
The elevator door slid open. They say a bounty hunter is never caught unawares. Majestic-1 was shot in the leg and he collapsed onto the ground in pain.
******************************
The land rovers sped to the front of the visitors centre. Seth Rex, Host and Snake-Mark got in the rear one while Dac and Drucifer made their way to the one in front. The cars rolled forward.
MartinRandle watched from the control room. Mr. Camel made his way into the room.
“National Weather Service is tracking a tropical storm about seventy-five miles west of us.”
MartinRandle scowled and sat down next to Mr. Camel. Guilty Spark, who had recently survived an encounter with a flooder, spoke up:
“Item one fifty-one on today's glitch list. We've got all the problems of a major theme park and a major zoo, and the computer's not even on its feet yet.”
MartinRandle turned to look at his technician who was watching a costa Rican game show and drinking a can of jolt cola.
“ StealthRaptor2, our lives are in your hands and you have butterfingers.”
StealthRaptor2 turned to the old man and growled. “I am totally unappreciated in my time. We can run the whole park from this room, with minimal staff, for up to three days. You think that kind of automation is easy? Or cheap? You know anybody who can network eight Connection Machines and de-bug two million lines of code for what I bid this job? Because I'd sure as hell like to see them try.”
“ I’m sorry about your financial problems StealthRaptor2, I really am, but they’re your problems,”
“ quiet, all of you!” Mr. Camel snarled. “ they’re approaching the Spammer queen’s paddock.”
In the cars, all members were pressed against the windows.
Mr. Camels voice came over the speakers. “ Hang on, we’ll try and tempt the queen,”
Carnotaur3’s carcass was catapulted out of the ground and fell in a little clearing.
Nothing happened.
Back in the control centre StealthRaptor2 sulked about MartinRandle’s low wages and typed furiously on his computer. A big red sign appeared on his screen: ‘Execute?’
He clicked ‘ok’. The system whirred into operation. He smiled and cracked his knuckles loudly and whistled innocently. He turned to face the rest of the members. “Anybody want a Coke? Anybody what some from the machines? Or a soda or something? I had too many sweets.”
MartinRandle shook his head.
“Oh, I finished de-bugging the phones, but the system's compiling for eighteen minutes, or twenty. So, some minor systems may go on and off for a while. There's nothing to worry about. Simple thing....” StealthRaptor left through the door and ran down the hall. He left the door open.
Guilty Spark indicated the open door. “And leaving the door open is the worst mistake that any employee could make, because...”
Mr. Camel was confused. “ It could let in a draft?”
“ It could let in a child!” roared MartinRandle. Why did he have to work with amateurs.
The countdown on StealthRaptor’s computer reached 60 seconds.
The Car started moving having had no show from the spammer queen and the rain started pelting hard on the thin glass windows.
40 seconds.
Mr. Camel puffed a ring of smoke from his cigar.
20 seconds.
Thunder exploded around the room.
5 seconds.
A flash of lightning.
0 seconds: SYSTEMS TERMINATED.
******************************
Vinsfield revved the engines. The Delorean started up. He had reversed it suitably down the beach and if his calculations were correct he would take off into flight just as the wheels lapped the waters edge.
Vinsfield chuckled and drank some coconut juice. He tore down the spit of sand and headed for the water.
The sound recording reached a climax. “ Where we’re going, we won’t need roads,” He should be rearing into the sky just….about….
Vinsfield’s calculations were wrong. He drove down the beach and straight into the sea.
As he bounced across the sea floor, he realized that he had made a grievous error. A crab laughed heartily at him. Vinsfield swore and threw open the car window. He dodged the three sharks that lunged at him and powerfully pulled himself to the surface and to his dismay could see no islands. He must be miles away from the island now. Wraith_13 bobbed up beside him and started floating away.
“ WRAITH_13!!!111!!111!!11” Vinsfield yelled and feebly lunged in its direction and clambered to keep a hold of him/it.
Vinsfield grasped it firmly and muttered softly. He was so distracted that he didn’t notice the giant cruise ship until it was almost on top of him. The good ship Heart Of Gold idled across the calm waves. The captain peered over the side at him and waved. He threw a rope down and Vinsfield hastily clambered up it onto the dry deck.
“Dude... dude...?” The captain prodded him. Vinsfield groaned “Oh, hey. Dude, he lives.”
“ Oh...”
“How are you, Car Man?”
“ What?”
“ Yeah, we saw you and we were like "whoa", and you were like "whoa..." and we went like, "whoa...”
“ What are you talking about?”
“ You, Car Man, taking on the car. You've got some serious thrill issues, dude...”
“ Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick...”
“ Oh, no hurling on the deck, dude, ok? Just waxed it.”
“ Where am I? Mister Captain...”
“ Dude. Mister Captain is my father, the name's Panos.
“ Panos, really? Well ok Panos, I need to find DJP3P, Dans JP3 Page. Do you know where that is?”
“ Dude. You're riding off shore from it.”
Vinsfield stayed for a while on the boat telling his stories of the war and the island he had landed upon and he was happy here. Then as Vinsfield was wandering the deck he heard two crew mates talking about him.
“Then, on the fourth day, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together and made a raft. “
“ He roped a couple of sea turtles.”
“ Aye. Sea turtles.”
“ What did he use for rope?”
“ Human hair.” Vinsfield lied. “ From my back.”
Panos stopped beside him. “How the blazes did you get off that island?”
“ When they marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, they forgot one very important thing, mate: I'm Captain Vinsfield! Important member of the S-me…”
Vinsfield remembered the S-Men with a jolt and remembered the war and SGD and the code. Vinsfield expressed his concerns to Panos.
“ And whose side are you on?”
“ I’m on nobody’s side, because nobody’s on my side,” Panos said slowly, “ Dude,” he added.
“How can that be your decision?”
“This is not our war”
“But you're part of this site, aren't you?... You must help... please.” Vinsfield pleaded, determined to be of some help to the S-Men.
“ I’m sorry, Dude,” Panos shrugged, “ where would you like to be put ashore,”
Vinsfield had an idea. “ Put me ashore at the Latest News docks.”
***************************
Aragorn was puzzled. All the sentries had been called away from all posts of security for some reason. He was free to enter Message Board without any trouble. He entered the palace without any resistance. A number of soldiers bustled around. They were searching for someone. Aragorn thought it might be him.
He entered the elevator and pressed the buttons to take him to the throne room. He was stopped on the second floor. The doors spun open and a group of soldiers peered inside. General Rancor at the head of them. Aragorn had a sinking feeling that it was all over but then…
“ You there?” Bellowed General Rancor, “ Move aside! We’re looking for someone!”
Aragorn moved aside and General Rancors troops marched across the elevator to the other side of the hallway and continued through. Puzzled, Aragorn pressed the throne room button and the elevator whirred into action. The light on the wall blinked at ‘Throne Room’ and the doors started to slide apart. As the doors slowly grated past each other, Aragorn took out his Ban Gun and blasted. JPJunkee fired at the same time. Majestic-1 was on the other side of the doors and he winced in pain and slowly fell to the floor clutching his leg.
Aragorn cleared his throat.
“Hello, my name is Aragorn. You killed my father: prepare to die. Now, offer me money.”
Majestic-1 winced at his stupidity. “ Yes,”
“ Power too, offer me that,”
“ All that I have and more. Please…” Majestic-1’s fingers slowly found their way to his HTML gun in his shoe.
“ Offer me everything I ask for!”
“ Anything you want!”
“ I want my father back!”
Majestic leapt to his foot and dodged the Ban gun blast. “ You think the three of you can take me?”
The four men stepped forward. Majestic-1 took out two guns and pointed one at the ceiling and one at the four men. “ I’m warning you, I’ll bring this building down before you kill me!”
“you think a HTML gun will break the walls of this palace!”
“ No,” Admitted Majestic-1 limping backwards, “ But it will do this!”
Majestic-1 pulled both triggers. The gun pointed at the ceiling hit the light bulb shattering and causing the ensuing battle to be shoved into darkness. The second gun ploughed through the metal railings and the banister that Parasaur.w and Quick Comment was standing on broke and they fell backwards wildly.
Aragorn and JPJunkee lunged through the darkness at Majestic-1. He dodged them and limped away to the elevator while Aragorn and JPJunkee blasted Ban Guns all over the place.
Majestic-1 hurriedly closed the doors and took the elevator down to the city floor.
Aragorn heard the elevator whirs and cursed loudly. He rushed to help up Parasaur.w and Quick Comment and then ran to the throne room. He needed to alert Message Board of his decision to reclaim the throne. JPJunkee was acting strangely but Aragorn thought nothing of it.
Aragorn burst open the doors and rushed into the room. He pointed his gun at the figure at the end of the room.
“ Hands Up!”
SGD turned around to face his attackers. “ Oviraptor?”
***********************
“ Whoa It’s a bog! He’s led us into a swamp!” Crow pointed accusingly.
“Swamp, yesss yesss. Come master. We will take you on safe paths, through the mist.
Come members come! We move quickly. I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. spammers don't use it. spammers don't know it.They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Soft and quick as shadows we must be."
“ I see dead people,” shivered Dan.
“ In your dreams?” asked Crow.
Dan shook his head.
“ While you’re awake?” Crow yelped.
Dan nodded.
“Dead people like, in graves? In coffins?” Crow probed.
“ lying in the marsh like regular people. They don’t even know their dead.”
“ How often do you see them?”
“ Just look around dammit, you idiot!” Dan yelled pointing to the marsh. Crow turned and screamed nasally at the sight.
“"Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up hiss sstrength." MikeyMike slivered.
“ Who are you?” Dan asked.
“Musn't ask us, not its business”
“ Carna told me you were one of the fan fiction folk.”
“Cold be heart and hand and bone. And cold be travellers far from home.”
“He said your life was a sad story.”
“They do not see what lies ahead when sun has failed and moon is dead.”
“ You were not so different from a member once, were you…Mithrandir,”
“ What did you call me?” MikeyMike looked up slowly.
“That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago,”
“My--My name...Mit--Mithrandir.”
MikeyMike cantered forward and ran off.
Crow yelled after him: “ Hey Stinker! Don’t go getting to far ahead!”
“ Why do you do that?” asked Dan.
“what?”
“ call him names…run him down all the time.”
“Because. Because that's what he is Mr. Dan. There's naught left in him but lies and deceit. It's the Code he wants. It's all he cares about,”
“ You have no idea what it’s done to him…what it’s still doing to him. I want to help him Crow.”
“why?”
“ Because I have to believe he can come back,”
“ You can’t save him Dan,”
“ What do you know of it? Nothing!” Dan retorted. He calmed himself. “ I’m sorry Crow. I don’t know why I said that,”
“ I do. It’s the code. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taking a hold of you Mr Dan. You have to fight it,”
***********************
“ So about you, tell me,” Paleeoguy probed.
Carna and RaptorVinny500 blushed. RaptorVinny went first. “ Well, I came here years ago. Back in the TLW page – all the wizards were around then. But back then, I was just a learner at the school of witchcraft and wizardry. I quickly became the head of the order and set up post at JP3 Chat where I live. I give advice and stuff to people who need it.”
“ Heard of you, I have.” Paleeoguy nodded, “ Great things, told me, wizards have,”
Carna spoke up. “ I haven’t seen a wizard around for a long time apart from you and Drucifer67,”
“ My son, you have seen?”
“ Yes. He is currently fighting the forces of the administrators on the plains of JPMemories.”
“ Always brave, my son, has been,” sniffed Paleeoguy. “ What is your story?”
Carna smiled. “ I wasn’t around in the TLW page. No. I first surfaced back in the early days of Dans JP3 Page, where I became head of Pigwarts. Before then, I was adrift in the sea of the world wide web. No idea how I survived. But I ended up here.”
“ Interesting,” Paleeoguy nodded yawning slightly. He pointed to the horizon. “ Near Fan Art we are. At the gates of Fan Fiction we grow closer.”
Sure enough a large city, evidently destroyed in the battle of Dans TLW Page, spiked sharply out of the barren deserts.
“ Let us hope that Lord Evilgrinch is on our side,” Carna breathed slowly. The doors swung open and a cohort of strange quadrupedal creatures cantered out of the doors. Riding at the head of this group was a large bulky man with a long black cape. His eyes heavily darkened and his wide collection of guns sprawled about his person.
“ Lord Evilgrinch, steward of Message Board and Captain of Fan Fiction, awaits your prescence.” A guard to the right barked. The wizards bowed.
**********************
TO BE CONTINUED………
9/26/2004 1:50:25 PM
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