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Jurassic Park Retold
By drucifer67
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:
I'm really going out on a limb here, because this humor is probably not the type most people will fully appreciate--it takes sort an odd mind to find the laughs in what I've written here. But for those who might "get it", I've decided to post it. I needed a break from "X-Factor", so I wrote a plot summary of the movie Jurassic Park--from a slightly skewed perspective.
NOTE TO PARENTS AND THE EASILY OFFENDED: This piece is best considered "R" Rated, for language and adult content. There is, however, NO explicit Gallimimus sex scene (we had to cut it when the piece ran too long).
So without further ado...
Jurassic Park Retold
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
Isla Nublar, 120 miles west of Costa Rica…
A bunch of workers are busy waiting for a forklift carrying something so scary the camera won’t show it. They are all wearing hardhats because, as everyone knows, there is great danger of something falling on your head when working with prehistoric animals.
The forklift moves in and puts a big box down next to a big enclosure. A guy in safari clothes tells the pushing team to move in because John Hammond is too cheap to hire a forklift driver who can push the damn box into position himself.
They push the box up and the gatekeeper goes on top of it, but there’s a lesson here about cheap labor as he has no idea how to do his job. Whatever is inside (hint: it’s a velociraptor) goes crazy and starts squealing and the poor unlucky gatekeeper happens to fall right in where the mean old dinosaur can grab on and start munching his lower half. The safari dude heroically holds on while telling everyone else to shoot the dinosaur, and also while cursing the poorly-constructed box the raptor is in. “Spared no expense my ass!” he shouts. Not knowing what to do next, we fade out.
MANO DE DIOS AMBER MINE
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
(NOTE: Mano De Dios actually translates to “Place where we find dino-blood mosquitos”. Those darn Dominicans have a phrase for everything)
An overdressed lawyer steps off a crude, handbuilt barge and falls around a lot. A bunch of miners lead him to a place where, just this very minute, they have unearthed a chunk of amber with a mosquito in it.
“No puedo creerlos dejé a este idiota en la película,” says one of the miners, and the rest of them laugh. The lawyer, whose name is Donald Generro, doesn’t laugh. He only laughs when talking about getting filthy rich. He also does not realize that what his Spanish-speaking friend just said was “Who let this idiot in the movie.” He is currently pissed because John Hammond, the owner of the dinosaur park, won’t talk to him. He explains that if two experts will sign off on the park, then the people who are upset about the gatekeeper getting killed will shut up and go away, to which the leader of the miners says “Quién da una mierda, apenas cavo encima de mosquitos.” (Which means: Who gives a shit, I just dig up mosquitoes.”
BADLANDS
NEAR THE NONEXISTANT LOCALE OF SNAKEWATER, MONTANA
Here we are, digging up a dino fossil, and isn’t it exciting! Three and a half excruciating minutes of people brushing dirt away from a decalcified bone! Next maybe we can watch Gone With the Wind.
An extra announces that they are “ready to try again”, which means nothing to the audience, but fear not, they’ll let us in on it soon. In just a minute they’ll explain about this wonderfully effective new radar method and the incredible computer program that goes with it, and leave us wondering why they had to try ‘again’ if it’s such a great system.
“I hate computers,” Alan Grant says, unwittingly making the anti-technology thesis statement of the film.
His girlfriend, Ellie Satler, is also unaware that her man has just made a thesis statement. She lovingly wraps a bandana around his neck in the perfect gesture of servitude that goes against the grain of her empowered-woman character.
They go down a hill to where the whole computer business is set up, and Grant watches as two guys shoot a stick of dynamite into the ground. A computer image of a skeleton—presumably way underground—comes up on a monitor.
Grant: “Wow, look, a velociraptor. Time for a little foreshadowing.” So he explains to a little round kid that velociraptor is smarter than most grade-school teachers and can program a VCR without ever reading the manual, and if you’re attacked by velociraptors you’ll know how smart they are because before they eat you they call you names like “loser” and “food” and make up jokes about how slow you tried to run to get away.
“So you see,” he explains, “raptors are really quite mean, and not so much like six-foot turkeys. Dennis Rodman is a six-foot turkey.”
And the little kid is terrified, and probably scarred for life, so we can expect to see a lawyer (not Generro, who gets snacked on, but another lawyer) in a future sequel when the kid’s parents go after Grant.
A helicopter arrives, kicking up dust and creating havoc at Grant’s dig site, and no matter how much he yells at the pilot, the poor guy just can’t seem to find the “off” switch. An employee so clueless about his job must be in the hire of none other than John Hammond, who is at this moment several hundred yards away, in Grant’s trailer. Although he walks with a cane, he’s pretty quick. He studied under Yoda.
Grant bursts into the trailer, pissed. He yells at the old dude, who turns out to be John Hammond, and in a minute Ellie comes in and yells at the old dude, too.
HAMMOND: Look, I send you people a big check every year, stop yelling at me.
GRANT: Oh hell…you’re THAT John Hammond. Hey, tell the pilot to keep it running all day if he wants.
So Hammond invites them to come to Jurassic Park. “It’s great, you’ll love it, there are dinosaurs, incredible predators from a bygone era, who can’t possibly ever get out of their cages and try to eat you.” But since Grant is reluctant, Hammond pulls out the stops: “I need a good opinion. Would three years’ worth of funding buy a good opinion?”
Grant and Ellie celebrate.
GRANT: “Wow! We’re going to get lots of money to dig with!”
ELLIE: “I’m excited. I didn’t know my opinion was so expensive!”
GRANT: “And there’s a rich guy in my trailer! Quick Ellie, distract him while I take his wallet!”
So, having dragged this scene as far as it can be dragged without having to send ushers to wake the audience, we cut to:
SAN JOSE, COSTA RICA
NOTE: San Jose was moved to the coast especially for filming of this movie. Afterward, it was moved back to its place hundreds of miles inland. Approximately 80% of Spielberg’s budget went to relocating San Jose. Also, no Costa Ricans were harmed during the making of this movie.
A man in a hat and bad shirt gets out of a worn-out station wagon and wanders around until an unbelievably large guy calls out “DODGSON!”
The man, who we now know is Dodgson, goes over to the table where the large guy, whose name is Dennis Nedry, is eating. And eating. And eating.
DODGSON: You shouldn’t use my name.
NEDRY: Nobody cares.
DODGSON: No, you don’t understand, I mean you shouldn’t use my name because you might seriously injure your tongue and vocal chords trying to squeeze that damn “G” in the middle. Just call me Arnie.
NEDRY: But your name is Lewis.
DODGSON: Okay, then, call me Edna.
They discuss the terms of a highly-lucrative agreement in which Nedry is to steal dinosaur embryos and give them to Dodgson so that his company can come up with their own Jurassic Park (although by then the name will be copyrighted, so they’ll most likely be stuck using “Cretaceous Park” or maybe “Triassic Park” or maybe even “Dino Funland”). What Dodgson doesn’t seem to realize is, Hammond and his company, InGen, have such a huge headstart that by the time Dodgson and his company, BioSyn, figure out exactly what the heck to do with dinosaur embryos, it will be a little like Six Flags having all their employees wear mouse ears. He gives Nedry a can of shaving cream.
Hammond and Grant and Lex and Genarro and another guy named Ian Malcolm are all in the helicopter going to Jurassic Park. Malcolm is trying to explain Chaos Theory and doing a poor job because he is mostly trying to hit on Ellie Satler. Hammond insults him, and what the old man lacks in Human Resources skills he apparently makes up in timing, because before Malcolm can say anything back, they arrive at Isla Nublar.
As the helicopter prepares to land, everyone straps in except Grant, who discovers he has two of the same end on his seatbelt. This begs the question: Who manufactured that helicopter, and were they pissed at Spielberg for showing the world that their helicopters sometimes come with mismatched seatbelts?
They get picked up in a couple of jeeps and go cruising around the park. Ellie gets her hands on a plant and proves her skills as a paleobotonist.
ELLIE: “This plant has been extinct since the cretaceous period.”
GRANT: “Obviously not, you’re holding it. How extinct can it be?”
ELLIE: “You know what I mean, numbnuts. I’m saying that this plant was genetically recreated using DNA extracted from insects.”
GRANT: “If you think that’s something, look over here.”
A huge brachiosaur walks by, hooting for no apparent reason. It raises up on its hind legs to get some leaves out of the top of the tree, seemingly not interested in the abundant foliage on lower limbs. It comes back down with a crash so big it causes John Williams to write a crescendo into the score.
GRANT: It’s…it’s a CGI dinosaur.
ELLIE: I don’t see anything.
GRANT: It has to be composited in during post-production. Use your imagination.
ELLIE: Oh, wow, a dinosaur.
GENERRO: We’re going to make a fortune with this place.
MALCOLM: Only if a T-Rex doesn’t pluck you off the toilet and treat you like hors d’ oeuvres.
Grant looks off down a hill and a bunch of dinos are gathered around a water hole.
GRANT: They’re moving in herds…they do move in herds.
ELLIE: Big friggin deal, all the old women in Wal-Mart move in herds, too, but nobody’s making a movie about it.
So, they all go to the Visitors Center, where fossils hang in the foyer which we’ll get to see more of in the last sequence. They go on a little ride explaining the science behind Jurassic Park, where a cartoon character called Mr. DNA explains that mosquitoes get trapped in tree sap, which turns into amber, which gets excavated by cruel jokesters in the Dominican Republic who enjoy playing pranks on attorneys, and then the blood is extracted from the mosquitoes and DNA is taken from it. The film does not detail what happens when the mosquito bit five different species of animal on the day it got stuck in tree sap. That particular situation is described, in a scene cut from the final film, as “Ah shit, it’s Heinz 57 DNA again, whose stupid mosquito idea was this anyway??”
The visitors are so intent on finding out the secret of how the cellular mitosis is interrupted that they break the restraints and escape the ride. This is true even for Dr. Malcolm who, as a mathematician, has only a vague idea what cellular mitosis is, and is only playing along so the other scientists won’t think he’s dumb and call him names.
They end up in the hatchery, where Dr. Wu explains that all the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are female.
MALCOLM: How do you know they’re all female?
WU: We engineered them that way.
MALCOLM: If they’re all female, shouldn’t you have built Jurassic Park off the coast of Greece instead of the coast of Costa Rica?
HAMMOND: I don’t get that joke, Ian.
MALCOLM: That’s okay, most of the readers won’t either.
So Ian gets bent out of shape and explains that even though all the dinosaurs are female, bad things are still going to happen and they’re still going to multiply because “Hollywood finds a way.”
Then Grant discovers that the dinosaur currently hatching is velociraptor, which upsets Grant and anyone who was paying attention during the scene at the dig site. So they go to the raptor pen to see the raptors, even though Hammond could have saved them some time by explaining that the foliage in the pen is too thick to see anything, and besides, Spielberg isn’t ready to show them off until they go on their killing spree later.
They all go back to a weird-looking conference room set that was borrowed from Dr. Strangelove and pick at their food because it looks like it’s already been eaten once. They argue some more and Ian Malcolm, in an Oscar bid, bangs on the table. Ellie says some smart stuff about extinct ecosystems and Hammond turns to Grant, who mutters a couple of incoherent lines about man and dinosaurs not belonging together (you can tell what he’s really thinking is “man I wish I had a Big Mac instead of this shit”). Then Hammond announces that ‘they’re here’, which makes you think maybe he played the little girl in Poltergeist, but a quick check of the Internet Movie Database will show you that he indeed did not.
The “they” he’s talking about are his grandkids, Tim and Lex (or Lex and Tim, if you prefer), who are so excited to see their beloved Grandpa that they knock him on his 80-year-old keister. They all immediately pile into two brand-new, high-tech Ford Explorers with incredibly big sunroofs—big enough for, say, a T-Rex snout to fit through—and start off on a tour of the park.
The first pen they come to is Dilophosaur. Grant is very upset that they can’t see the Dilophosaur, but Malcolm reminds him that the effects budget is being concentrated mostly on the scenes where the dinosaurs are threatening people.
Then they come to the Tyrannosaur paddock, where the Tyrannosaur refuses to eat a goat. Perhaps Rex, like Grant, would prefer a Big Mac. Or a McLawyer.
When Rex doesn’t show up, the cars move on, and Malcolm tries to explain Chaos Theory to Ellie.
MALCOLM: The short end is the butterfly effect. A butterfly can flap its wings in Peking and the next day be on the menu in a Chinese restaurant.
ELLIE: I totally don’t understand.
MALCOLM: Chaos is easy to understand.
ELLIE: No, I mean I don’t understand why you’re wearing all black on a tropical island, you colossal retard, you’re going to broil.
Then Grant sees a triceratops lying out in the middle of nowhere. Excited by the fact that the trike is not in any sort of enclosure, he bails out of the car and goes to investigate. Everyone follows because they’re not all that terribly bright.
The triceratops is sick, and Ellie sees that its eyes are dilated, which the experienced professional veterinarian overlooked. So she wanders off to see if there are poison berries in the Trike’s droppings.
MALCOLM: That’s one big pile of shit.
GRANT: Of course is is, it comes from a big animal.
MALCOLM: I was talking about Jurassic Park III.
Ellie doesn’t find any berries in the droppings, but she does discover two things:
1) Sometimes dinosaurs leave piles of droppings much taller than their ass should ever be, lending credence to the all-but-forgotten theory that dinos hover when they shit.
2) It’s a good idea to carry elbow-length plastic gloves with you when going to visit a rich entrepreneur’s dinosaur-infested island.
So Generro insists that they get moving, because he’s a tight-ass, and Ellie decides to stay behind and work with the trike. She wants to study the animal and find out why it’s sick, but we’ll never know unless we read the book, because this is where they decided to drop the subplot in the movie.
Meanwhile, back in the Visitor’s Center, Nedry prepares to go and meet his pre-recorded contact on the boat to the mainland. He activates a malicious, data-destroying computer program (“Windows”) and pretends to be going to the snack machines, when in fact he is going to the embryo cold storage to steal unborn dinosaurs. He manages to get all fifteen species into the Barbasol can’s ten compartments, then steals a Jeep and races to the dock.
The Explorers stop, and as luck would have it, they stop right by the Tyrannosaur enclosure. No one seems to think this is a bad thing—after all, Hammond said everything was safe, and why wouldn’t they take his word for it?
Nedry races to the dock, but he gets lost on the way because Hammond, old Mr. Spared-No-Expense himself, only allowed the signmakers to use one nail per arrow on their signs, which gets Nedry all crossed up. He goes sliding down a hill, where he meets a Dilophosaur.
NEDRY: Oh hi, Mr. Dinosaur, I’m just here trying to get to the dock. I find it sort of ironic that you’re out of your fence because of my devious plan, and you’re only moments from eating me.
DILOPHOSAUR: Muhahaha.
Nedry goes back up to the Jeep but on the way, the Dilophosaur spits poison on him, causing blindness and eventually paralysis, allowing the carnivore to eat at its leisure. Nedry falls down, drops his shaving cream, gets back up, and finally jumps back in the jeep and slams the door. Whew! Safe at last.
Then we see the Dilophosaur sitting in the passenger’s seat.
NEDRY: DAMN!
DILOPHOSAUR: Muhahaha.
NEDRY: I thought only Velociraptors were supposed to be so incredibly smart, yet you anticipated that I was going to get back into this jeep, even though as a dinosaur you have no idea what a jeep is, let alone what it’s used for! How could you possibly have known to get in the jeep and wait for me?!?!
DILOPHOSAUR: Muhahahaha.
Meanwhile, the power is off and the two Explorers are still stopped outside the Tyrannosaur paddock. Grant and Malcolm are talking.
MALCOLM: So, Dr. Satler, is she like, available?
GRANT: Why?
MALCOLM: Why do you think? Why does someone normally ask if someone’s available? Did you think I meant available to throw a Tupperware party?
GRANT: Oh, available…uh, no.
MALCOLM: Oh, I see, you two are uh…
GRANT: Yes.
MALCOLM: Playing ‘Hide the Salami’. Doing the Nasty Dance. Boffing. Shtuping. Bouncing the Bedsprings. Banging. Dancing the Horizontal Mambo. Parking the Porpoise. Taking the old skin boat to—
GRANT: Okay, we get the idea.
A great booming sound is heard.
GENERRO: Maybe it’s the power trying to come back on.
TIM: I’m eight years old and I know the power coming back on wouldn’t make a noise like that. Who did you blow to get through law school?
GENERRO: Oh yeah, then what is it?
He gets his answer as a T-Rex rears its head and spits out parts of a goat (got tired of waiting for that Big Mac I guess). Generro, in terror, flees the relative safety of the vehicle, opting instead to sprint across an open, unprotected area and hide in a poorly-built toilet facility.
T-Rex tears down the fence.
GRANT: Keep absolutely still. Its vision is based on movement.
MALCOLM: How do you know?
GRANT: It’s just a theory, really.
MALCOLM: As theories go, it sucks. I’ll take my chances outrunning the big bastard.
Meanwhile, Lex has found a flashlight and turned it on, attracting the Rex’s attention. Tim begs her to turn the light off, but since the flashlight is not a highly sophisticated computerized nerve center that controls the operations of a high-tech animal preserve, she can't turn the stupid thing off. Rex decides they look pretty tasty, so it breaks out the sunroof.
Grant, meanwhile, has found an emergency flare kit (because, as we all know, an electric vehicle confined to a closed roadway circuit might end up broken down, and those flares might prove useful in warning the other driverless vehicles in the area about potential collision). He jumps out and waves the flare back and forth, drawing the Rex’s attention away from the kids. He throws the flare into the jungle, and the T-Rex, truly excited at the prospect of eating a small, glowing stick rather than a couple of screaming kids in a late-model Ford, goes after it.
But Ian Malcolm has another idea. If one flare is good, then two must surely be better, he reasons. Those darn mathematicians! Given enough time, Malcolm might have decided to ignite all the flares in the vehicle and order more from an online surplus warehouse. At any rate, he ignites the second flare and runs with it, hoping to draw the dinosaur away from the kids’ vehicle so that Grant can collect them—what to do with them after that is anyone’s guess.
GRANT: Ian you enormous dolt who knows nothing about dinosaurs, freeze!
MALCOLM: Get the kids!
GRANT: Screw that, I hate kids, get rid of the flare! If you get killed who’ll be in The Lost World?
Malcolm ignores Grant (when at sea, ignore the Captain. In an airborne emergency, ignore the pilot. And when being chased by several tons of hungry prehistoric bad attitude, ignore the paleontologist). Malcolm, who doesn’t like lawyers so much, leads the T-Rex to the toilet where Generro is cowering and shivering. Malcolm gets thrown aside by the force of T-Rex smashing the poorly constructed building (Spared no expense, Hammond? Spared no expense?) and his leg winds up broken. Generro, whose cowardly actions led him out of the scene so that he missed the part where they were talking about T-Rex and its dependence on movement, wipes his face with his hands and generally waves his arms about so that T-Rex can see him. T-Rex, having only had enough goat to whet his appetite, munches up the lawyer.
Meanwhile, back at the cars, Grant is trying to dig Lex and Tim out of their overturned Explorer.
Lex gets out okay, but before Grant can get Tim out, Lex screams.
LEX: Ahhhhhhhhhh! T-Rex is back!
GRANT: Damn T-Rex and its stealth mode, I never heard those thundering footsteps like earlier.
The T-Rex sniffs the two of them, but they don’t smell very appetizing because they have both shit their pants. So instead of eating them, the dino nudges the Explorer, spinning it around and sending them over the side of a great concrete wall which was only a few feet high when the T-Rex came through it five minutes before. Hammond spent all his money on morphing walls, no wonder he can’t afford a decent toilet.
They go shinnying down a wire as the Explorer comes crashing over the side. Grant drops off Lex, who is hysterical, and goes back to get Tim, who is catatonic. He gets him out of the car, but unfortunately Ford didn’t plan for their vehicles to get tossed into trees by giant dinosaurs, so it begins to slide down after them, breaking branches on the way. (NOTE: Ford has since implemented a policy which will cause all their vehicles to obey the laws of physics when stuck in a tree, falling out end-over-end rather than crawling down like some bizarre steel ferret chasing hapless Dino-Park visitors).
They get down, and they take off walking. Meanwhile, Hammond sends Muldoon, his game warden, in a gas-powered jeep to try to rescue the kids. Ellie, trying to stick to the empowered-woman character, does NOT tie a scarf around Muldoon’s neck but instead insists on going with him.
When Muldoon and Ellie arrive at the scene of the T-Rex attack, they find Malcolm badly hurt because he isn’t a lawyer and therefore didn’t appeal to the T-Rex (Bear in mind that in this film we only see the T-Rex eat a goat, a gallimimus, and Generro. Nothing with a brain larger than a grapefruit). They load Malcolm up on the Jeep, and get chased by a T-Rex, who gets tired pretty easily (his tummy is pretty full, after all) and gives up.
Grant, Lex, and Tim, meanwhile, have climbed a tree and Grant is attempting to have a conversation with a brachiosaur. He blows through his hands, making a sound something like a strangling chimpanzee, and all the brachiosaurs raise their heads up and turn to look at him, either because his imitation is serviceable enough to convince them he’s a brachiosaur or because they’re all curious why a chimpanzee is being strangled.
Tim amuses Grant with a pathetic riddle, followed by a pathetic sequel-riddle (hmm…a warning about sequels?) and they go to sleep.
The next morning they wake up and a dino sneezes all over Lex. Say what you will about Tyrannosaurs and Velociraptors, but I’ll take my chances with them before I’ll risk a face full of DinoSnot.
Then Grant finds a cache of broken eggshells and, assuming immediately that no one had recently made an omelet in the area, deduces that the animals of Jurassic Park are breeding.
GRANT: Frog DNA! You see, certain species of West African frogs have been known to spontaneously change from male to female in a single-sex environment.
TIM: Incredible.
GRANT: Animals are pretty incredible things, Tim.
TIM: No, I meant that it’s incredible that you knew that but none of the hundreds of geneticists and biologists on this project thought of it.
Meanwhile, in the control room, Hammond, Muldoon, and a guy named Arnold are arguing over whether to shut down the computers in order to get them to work again.
HAMMOND: As I understand it, if we shut down the system, when we restart it will run that stupid irritating ScanDisk for forty minutes, then we should be able to get everything up and running again.
ARNOLD: You can get somebody else because I won’t do it.
HAMMOND: Because you’d rather sit here with nothing working than sit here with nothing working? Are you utterly retarded?
MULDOON: What about the Lysine contingency?
ELLIE: What’s that?
ARNOLD: Dr. Wu inserted a faulty gene in the dinosaurs. If they’re not supplied by lysine by us they die.
ELLIE: Lysine, wow, any plant that produces a bean or seedpod will contain lysine. Wouldn’t it have made much more sense to fit them all with collars made of plastic explosives, so that you could press a big red button in the control room and blow their goddam heads off?
HAMMOND: Where were you when we were planning this place?
So they get the system up and running and Mr. Arnold goes to turn the breakers back on. When he’s not back fast enough, Ellie decides to go turn the power on herself, reasoning that whatever stopped him from turning on the breakers won’t stop her because her character is a strong, empowered woman. Muldoon, in a magnanimous gesture, announces that he is going with her, and loads an expensive, folding-stock shotgun.
Outside the bunker, they immediately run into a velociraptor, who is hanging around with its two velociraptor friends waiting for a nice juicy meal to come along.
ELLIE: There’s the shed, we can make it if we run.
MULDOON: No, we can’t. We’re being hunted. Run, towards the shed.
ELLIE: But you just said we couldn’t make it.
MULDOON: Did not.
ELLIE: Did so. I said ‘we can make it if we run’, and you said ‘no we can’t’.
MULDOON: I meant we couldn’t both make it. You can make it, if I keep a gun pointed at this raptor, because everyone knows raptors are really really afraid of expensive folding-stock shotguns.
So Ellie runs to the shed, where she wanders around lost for a while.
Meanwhile, Grant and Lex and Tim get to watch a Tyrannosaur pick off a Gallimimus from a herd. With the exception of Lex, they enjoy this much more than they should, then creep away to go climb the perimeter fence.
Meanwhile, Muldoon is stalking the raptors, but suddenly Grant’s foreshadowing comes into play as we see the attack come not from the front but from the side, from the raptor Muldoon didn’t even know was there. “Clever girl,” he says, but she’s not buying his flattery bullshit, so she pounces on him, regardless of his expensive folding-stock shotgun, and eats him.
Back in the maintenance shed, Ellie has found the power thingies. Hammond is reading a schematic and communicating with her by radio.
HAMMOND: You must find the primer handle and pump it up to get the charge. It’s large, flat, and gray.
ELLIE: That’s some hell of a schematic if it tells you the size, shape, and color of every switch in the whole park.
HAMMOND: The buttons turn on the individual park systems. Now, you’ll notice that the perimeter fence is at the bottom, and since that’s where Tim is hanging on, be sure you move slowly and methodically down the list, to build the tension.
So Ellie presses each button one at a time, reading each label carefully, presumably so as not to accidentally turn on the “ISLAND SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEM” or the “INSTA-RAPTOR(TM) DINO GROWING MACHINE”.
Elsewhere in the park, Tim is hanging on the electric fence with warning lights and buzzers going off all around. Grant is trying to persuade him to jump, but the child is terrified.
GRANT: Tim! I’m coming up to get you!
LEX: So you both get cooked, and I’m out there on my own? Like hell!
So Tim lets go at the last possible second, with 10K volts blasting through him as he flies through the air into the waiting arms of Alan Grant, who begins rescue breathing and chest compressions with no thought whatsoever for himself or for the fact that little Timmy is most likely a human battery at the moment, storing enough voltage to blow Grant’s well-worn fedora all the way back to San Jose (which, incidentally, is back in its original location by now).
Meanwhile, Ellie, incredibly excited at having turned the power back on, meets her first velociraptor as the creature insanely thrusts its head through a wall in an effort to eat her. She runs away, discovers Mr. Arnold's arm, and hauls ass back to the control room.
Grant gets back with the kids and goes to find a phone. The kids snag some Jell-O and are enjoying themselves as if nothing ever happened (darn, aren’t kids just resilient little beasts?) when suddenly velociraptors show up. They dash into the kitchen and the raptors follow—and we see that they are highly intelligent, fast and agile, deadly hunters capable of such sophisticated actions as sniffing dropped ladles and running face-first into chrome cabinets. Then, Tim gets a brilliant idea—he realizes that he can run to the large walk-in cooler and hide from the raptors in a frozen environment that will probably kill him more painfully than the dinosaurs could! But as he gets up to run to the cooler, one of the raptors notices and begins to chase him---
---which is when we see that, in addition to the Lysine Contingency, Dr. Wu also planned ahead with the lesser-known Osteoarthritis Contingency, which causes the dinosaurs, when attempting to attack small children, to have horrible arthritis attacks and run at roughly the speed of a three-legged hippo. Tim makes it to the cooler, and with Lex’s help, locks the raptor inside. (NOTE: No one knows what becomes of this poor fellow, and I for one am dying of curiosity. Perhaps this lone raptor, trapped in a meat locker, deserves a sequel all to himself).
They get away, and Grant and Ellie lead them to the Control Room, where nobody has a clue what to do with the computer except Lex, who is familiar enough with the system that she is soon sorting out what’s what. The raptors, in the meantime, have found the door and pushed down the latch (NOTE TO HAMMOND: Next time you’re sparing no expense, buy some damn doorknobs). Grant can’t hold the door by himself, so Ellie runs over to help. They have a shotgun, but they can’t reach it without giving up the precious leverage they have on the door, and Lex is busy trying to find the file to lock the damn doors so the raptors can’t get in. Meanwhile, Tim is jumping up and down and squeaking like a Happy Meal toy, and no one thinks to ask him to please come give Uncle Alan the big bad shotgun so he can chase away the mean old raptors.
Lex figures out how to reboot the system, so that the phones, door locks, security systems, lights, Chick-Fil-A and Four-Screen Mini Cinema all come back online. However, the velociraptors, not content to go out and stalk monkeys or weasels, decide to break through the glass and continue pursuing the four nice succulent human morsels.
Fleeing from the lethal raptors, Grant and company crawl into the ceiling ducts, coming out in the Visitor’s Center foyer. They are on a high scaffold, and the only way down is to climb on those suspended fossils we talked about earlier.
But there’s a problem—one of the raptors has followed them through the ductwork! It jumps on the fossils, breaking the suspending cables and causing general havoc. The four good guys get to the ground safely, but before they can get away from the raptor, the OTHER friggin raptor shows up, presumably following the sound of Lex’s incredibly loud screams. The two raptors have them surrounded with no way out—
---and then, he’s there again, Stealth Mode Rex, with no warning, taking a large bite out of one of the raptors and pretty much ruining its day. Seeing their chance, Grant, Ellie, Lex, and Tim run right in front of the enormous eating machine who can only see them because they’re running, but they get away with it because the second raptor, in a fit of vengeful rage, has decided to assault the T-Rex, which comes off looking like a cyclist trying to bump a dump truck off the road. The Rex, annoyed, grabs the raptor in its giant crushing jaws, but since the raptor is not a lawyer, the Rex slings it across the room, destroying a fossil display and bringing down a nice and presumably expensive banner, which floats gently and legibly to the floor.
Grant leads Ellie, Lex, and Tim outside to the jeep where Hammond and Malcolm are waiting (NOTE: the following scene, cut from the final release, shows the moments before Grant and company arrived at the waiting jeep)
HAMMOND: Blast it, where are Grant and Satler and my grandchildren.
MALCOLM: They’re probably coming out of the ductwork about now.
HAMMOND: Look! There’s that darn T-Rex, sneaking into the visitor’s center by way of the back door.
Grant jumps into the jeep and informs Hammond that he has decided not to endorse the park, leaving us to wonder if he’ll be more reasonable once he’s had time to cool off. In the final shot, the survivors are all whisked away on a helicopter, and Grant seems to have gotten over hating kids because the two urchins he hung out in the park with for two days are sleeping all over him. Ellie looks out the window at some pelicans, most likely thinking: “How the hell does he imagine dinosaurs turned into that?? Oh my God, I’m dating an idiot!”
With that, she turns to the injured Ian Malcolm. “So,” she says, with a wink and a smile, “Tell me more about chaos…”
THE END
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1/13/2003 6:49:54 PM
(Updated: 1/13/2003 7:58:19 PM)
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