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The College Years (Chapter 27)
By Vader
THE COLLEGE YEARS
Entry III: Time of Conclusion
Continued from Chapter 26 . . .
CHAPTER 27
It was the first time in months I’d allowed the soft iridescence of dim light from my lamp to accompany my being alone in my room. Throughout the semester, while I was lost in my ceaseless depression, I always was locking myself away to lay awake in a sea of pitch black. But now, I didn’t mind the light, as it bathed half of my face in coruscation, yet left the other side untouched, leaving it to shadow.
The winds of change lapped at my body through the window sill yet again.
My system had harnessed all my turbulent emotions for nearly half of a year, and in just one day, all of them had burst out in an escape. I was feeling calmer now, more peaceful, like a settling pool that lies at the end of a waterfall’s flow. It was something I hadn’t experienced for so long . . . utter stillness, both in physicality and in mind. No anxieties currently present, no heart-wrenching memories vividly flickering in my mind. I’d flooded them all out, and in the process came to a major realization.
I had ridden myself of inner torment, but I’d left a trail of pain on others in the process.
A gentle knock resonated against the walls, interrupting my quiet reflection. “Come in,” I offered, craning my head around to see who was entering. The second I caught a glimpse of shiny, hazel hair lean through the doorway, I’d identified my visitor. “Hi Rachel,” I greeted, just as she revealed her face.
“How’d you know it was me?” she half-smiled, a glimmer in her eye. I shrugged, a soft smirk streaking my cheeks.
“Just a guess,” I replied, motioning to the seat in the corner. “Sit down.” The young woman appeared to be slightly uncomfortable, as if not knowing exactly what to expect. She plopped into the chair, draping her crossed arms over her knees, leaning forward.
“How are you doing?” the questioned.
“A little better I guess. Colds always seem to stay with me – got it once during my mid-terms, it came back during my next big test week, and died down until I had a major Health project due. And now, I’ve got it again with finals just around the corner,” I chuckled, reaching up to scratch my forehead.
“Aw, that’s too bad,” she asked as I recognized a tinge in her voice which indicated she was making small talk to shelter the real reason she’d come to me for.
“So what’s up?” I quizzed, grinning in an effort to make her feel at ease enough to confess. She flashed her pupils downward, curling her lips inward, rubbing her dress, collecting her thoughts before speaking.
“I wanted to know how you were doing . . . really. You know,” she almost whispered. At that, I knew exactly what she was referring to. “Will things be okay, Jack?” I was temporarily disturbed by her bringing back to mind the presence of glaring mistakes and hurtful actions I’d made just recently. I subtly struggled to overcome it, closing my eyelids slowly and inhaling.
“I don’t know Rachel. I never have,” came the return.
“What do you mean?” While having to explain myself wrenched my gut, I gulped, and continued.
“Every time I’ve assumed that all would okay, it wasn’t. Every time I’ve assumed that only more bad things were headed my way, I was right. So this time . . .” I paused, ever so slightly, furrowing my brow, “I’m not going to assume.” There was a moment of silence before I tacked on a rather lame attempt at lightening the mood. “Assume – it makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’,” I gave a small laugh, shaking my head at knowing I’d only come across as utterly awkward.
I glanced over to see her take a breath to begin a statement, then stopping herself, as if deciding to say something else instead.
“Jack . . . doing what you’ve been doing – its changed you. I-, I noticed it at the barbeque . . . and I noticed it again when you came to the meeting just before . . . and I see it now. You’re not the same person.” Her words were so simply put, but they sunk deeply into my brain.
“You’re probably right,” I sighed, looking downward.
“I just want to know that . . . you’ll be okay.” There was an aura about her, a sense of holding back, that indicated exactly what I suspected.
“Rachel, I think you came here for another reason too,” I semi-bluntly put, looking directly at her face. “Why don’t you tell me?” She exhaled, bowing her head, solemnly rubbing her fingers through her hair. She must have been searching for the right words to confide in me the subject I least expected.
“Jack . . . I’m . . . moving away to Tahoe tomorrow.” Those few syllables should have shocked me, having come out of the blue to hit me as hard as any other revelation that was told to me recently. But for some reason it didn’t. I still don’t know why. Perhaps it was because I’d become so jaded to how all my long time friends were leaving me, or maybe I was just used to the unexpected occurring around every curve life threw at me. Whatever the reason, I just nodded with a stern expression, a dull emotion throbbing in my heart.
“I should’ve known this would be next,” I whispered blankly. “What else was left, right?” I came to the understanding just afterwards that I must’ve made her uneasy by saying such things. No not this time, Jack. Don’t throw your pain on others yet again.
“Well, if that’s what you have to do, I wish you good luck, Rachel,” I forced a smile, putting forth as much effort as I could to make it seem genuine. “You always have been an understanding person, so I guess its my turn to be understanding to you.”
“You know, we don’t have to say goodbye,” she conjured, trying to lighten the mood. “I can give you my new phone number . . . or my e-mail.” I shook my head pleasantly, pretending to be unfazed, trying to make it seem like we could still have the meaningful conversations we always used to have. But deep down, both of us knew it wouldn’t be the same. After taking a pen from my desk and jotting down the numbers on piece of scrap paper, she handed it to me, taking my hand with a firm and caring grip.
“Promise me you’ll be alright, before I leave,” she demanded with good intention. I squeezed her sultry hand with feeling.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” I assured, and then I let her go. I let her walk away, towards the doorway, knowing she wouldn’t be coming back through it ever again. And that was the first time I’d ever let someone that important to me – a lifelong friend, a colleague, someone who’d always been there for me, despite the rough times – go. Without fighting it, I actually let someone who was virtually a chunk of my childhood, and my life . . . leave. I almost surprised myself in doing so, but somehow I didn’t, as I bent my head down, intertwining my fingers and resting them on my stomach.
“Hey,” she caught my attention just before exiting. “I’ve loved you like a brother my whole life. No matter what happens, that will always stay.”
And so that was it. That alone explained everything between us – the relationship itself, the fight, and the ultimate resolution. The element of our unity I’d used to build up as a romance had been non-existance all along, and only in the end did I fully come to grips with that. I wouldn’t have mattered if she’d said something else, something more eloquently put, something romantic – nothing could have touched me more than what she actually did say.
“And I will always love you,” I expressed my goodbye with a smile, bittersweet nostalgia enveloping my contemplation. I heard the wind howl outside, signaling yet another turning point in my life, among the cluster that had been chosen to take effect all at once. It was as if she’d been blown away, carried off by the bluster, to leave me as I was before she’d come: alone.
(More to come)
3/28/2003 2:12:04 AM
(Updated: 3/28/2003 2:12:25 AM)
(Updated: 3/28/2003 2:18:03 AM)
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