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The College Years (Chapter 21)
By Vader
“The essence of time is its fleeting nature. Whereas before, I was struggling to cling to the past, I was now trying to push away the future. The last month of my first semester at college had arrived. I wanted make the best of my remaining time with Erin before it ended, all the while debating about how our love could continue, the threat of Kevin hanging in memory without letup. I’d had to make so many difficult decisions in the months before, but I was about to face the most imperative and the most heartbreaking. This is my story . . . concluded.”
THE COLLEGE YEARS
Entry III: Time of Conclusion
The omnipotent wind of change that refused to leave my side diligently encircled me, elevating my anxiety. The ticking of clocks continued to strike in the back of my mind, the inescapable knowledge that my world was about to evolve yet again haunting me.
Why couldn’t things stay the same for just a day?
Why couldn’t things stand unwavering, to capture those brief moments in time during which all went well, and my heart was content with love, friendship, warmth, and purity?
Why did change rip away the small things that brought me joy, stripping me of any shred of happiness that I could possibly muster?
Why was time so . . . damn . . . cruel?
For only a short epoch could I take my confused and disturbed psyche away from such pondering – and that period had already finished itself, lending me to the claws of depression that tried to tug me into its never-ending plunge of blackness, tears, pain, and regret. I hadn’t given in yet, but I couldn’t deny that I was drawing ever close to the edge, and unless there was something drastic to help, I would fall over that brink, with no hope of resurgence to look forward to.
While I sat, by myself, in what appeared to be a nearly deserted campus, nobody that was left around me gave a care. To them, I was nothing more than a ghost that was passing through their fluxing environment, to be leaving in a matter of days. Why should they have cared? They had no reason. My indescribably strong yearning for these last few, precious periods to be allowed to endure were not enough to stop the evil twist in this orb I lived in, occurring for no other purpose than to shake, quake, and demolish the single thing I totally and entirely adored.
If someone had asked me to predict this minute of the semester earlier in the year, I never would have been able to do so. It was so unexpected that I would feel this way about something I had started out loathing, but had grown to love all because of one person. And now, unless somehow all our problems were wished away, our enchanted time together would be snapped short, with no mercy shown.
I grudgingly swore under my breath, contorting my fists to become tight, unspeakable misery lapping at my soul.
Suddenly, what could only be recounted as a blinding light in my dull and doomed view of my surroundings, spreading a pure and unwavering shine that turned all which had become grittily black and white back to color. She moved herself across from me, already knowing in that split second what I was feeling. “Hey,” Erin soothed.
“Hi,” I breathed, immediately reaching out to grasp her hand, feeling as if she were the last link I had to the world I was already missing before it had left. She was the one, the someone, the dream that always had a presence, no matter how far apart we were. “It’s great to see you. I’ve missed you over the past few days,” I divulged, immersing myself in her aura.
“So did I,” she replied, utter sincerity in her voice that had never been quite as potent as it was then. She squeezed my hand, connecting her starry-blue eyes to my gloomy-hazel ones, uplifting them to a more brilliant haze that felt like a sunset – beautiful, yet an indication of a conclusion. “I’ve really been wanting to spend more time with you.”
I sighed, accepting the knowledge she didn’t realize – that our love was a secret to everyone else I knew . . . that I had lied to her about my age and occupation . . . that our relationship had been obstructed by destiny, through the destructive force of her lost lover. “I know. I have too,” I nodded, pausing before continuing. “Have you seen Kevin?” Her demeanor flickered as she shook her head.
“But that’s good isn’t it?” the young woman forced a smile, leaning forward to enforce her craving. “I want you to forget about him.”
“But I know he’ll come-”
“Shh . . .” he whispered, closing her eyelids, and moving inward, resting her intoxicating lips atop mine, cleansing a palette of emotions. “Don’t be afraid.”
“I can’t help it,” I gulped, my lips shifting against hers. She kissed me, equaling the one we’d shared under such dangerous circumstances that one fateful night of the Winter Party. I wanted to pour myself out to her, letting go of all I’d kept locked up, to help her understand my worries, but I couldn’t bear to do so, unreasonably and incurably fearful of her reaction.
“Friday, after classes, why don’t you come to my house?” she requested, deep passion shining forth from her inner essence. “It’ll be the perfect time together.” She gazed, propelling me to desire something more than anything I’d ever wanted before, as a reflection of my emotions rippled in her expression
“I will,” I told her, giving another touch with the lips, resolving I would go no matter what my parents said. “I’ve wanted to be alone with you for the longest time.” That familiar beep that had cut our conversations short so many times in the past butted in, pulling Erin’s view away from me to her watch.
“Oh great,” she remarked, a frown materializing on her features. “I have to get to class.” She raised her endearing irises once more, indicating disappointment, yet still offering a final kiss before leaving. “I’ll see you in English class tomorrow,” my classmate waved goodbye, heading across the lawn when I called after her.
“Erin!” I shouted, prompting her turn. I paused, glancing downward and then back at her. The words I was about to utter had existed inside for so long, but I’d never been moved to let them out until now. “I . . . I love you.” She waited for a brief segment, before beaming.
“I love you too,” she returned.
It was all I needed to feel comforted, all I needed to feel better during that one minute, but not enough to diminish my fears about Kevin’s whereabouts and what the future would bring for our relationship. I was on the edge of a cliff, hanging with only anticipation and worry as my companions.
(More to come)
2/5/2003 11:57:16 PM
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