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The College Years (Chapter 16)
By Vader
THE COLLEGE YEARS
Entry II: A Student Who Loved Me
Continued from Chapter 15 . . .
CHAPTER 16
I rose over the steep hill bordered by palm trees and bushes, my silhouette immerging from the ground against the backdrop of a gray November sky, my mountain bike speeding along as I drew closer to the upcoming figure of Josh’s house. Smoke rose from behind the white, two-story home, a sign of the coals on the barbeque being started. Seeing the familiar location brought back so many old memories that warmed my heart, as if I were traveling back in time to the summer before I’d begun my college years.
Yet I still didn’t feel completely the same as I used to, and when trying to understand why, I was at a loss. I parked my bike at the front gate, dozens of mixed emotions streaming through my system, some as calm as a woodland brook, others as harsh as rapids, and still more as powerful as waterfalls. The moment I saw the backside of Rachel standing just a few yards away, my stomach leaped into my throat and my heart skipped a beat. She looked so unchanged . . . yet so different at the same time. No words could describe how complex my feelings were while I bounded forward, taking the colorful collage of fresh flowers from the back of my bike and hopping over the quant fence that matched the look of the cozy house.
I stopped behind her, breathing in to smell the sweet perfume she’d always used, but was surprised to find that it had changed, carrying a scent distinctly opposite. “Rachel!” I tersely called. Her body bounced in a rapid motion as she spun around, a shocked and afraid look on her face. The young lady paused, her eyes squinting, taking me in for a moment as her startled contortion began to die down.
“Jack?” she said, hardly able to believe it was me. “I haven’t seen you in so long.” Up till this minute in time, I had been expecting a joyous reunion, filled with vivaciousness, but I was subtly confused to find it wasn’t occurring. There was a distinct sense of disconnection, a bittersweet but lackluster atmosphere hanging between us. Trying to rekindle my memory of what I’d felt the last time I’d seen her at the bonfire in August, I thrust out the flowers I’d been holding at my side.
“These are for you,” I blatantly stated, doing my best to laden the gift with love, but feeling disturbingly numb of emotion now that the moment had actually arrived. I was about to become immersed in her eyes when she directed them downward, taking the bouquet out of my hands.
“They’re . . . beautiful. Tha-” I interrupted to grab her hand, so intense that I’d actually hurt her without trying. “Ah!” she gasped, pulling it away.
Everything froze.
The air thickened.
My senses dulled.
For the very first time, I was getting a hint at how much thinks that truly changed. This wasn’t going the way I’d planned, and her more startled-than-delightful reaction discouraged me. The spark that had so strongly united us previously felt deteriorated and lost. Sadness crawling into my mood, I hurried to block it. No, no. Don’t let it stop you. Tell her. Tell her!.
“Rachel . . . I want to go steady with you,” I spoke, grinding it into my brain that she would absolutely say yes, while the knowledge that my proposal had failed rivaled it. When her reply was awkwardly delayed, I became uncontrollably worried, unable to accept anything else but a ‘yes’. Without a second thought, I leaned forward. She stepped backward, a disoriented expression written all over. Horrified by what she’d done, I tried to force myself at her for a kiss once more.
I felt her freezing cold palm slap my cheek, a frosty sting throbbing. She was breathing heavily, gawking at me like I was a monster. “After you abandon all of us for months, you expect me to leap into your arms and want to date you?” she quivered. “I can’t believe it.”
The flowers were tossed back at me, and I froze, my eyes wide open. Emptiness took control of my dreary soul, and the world became bleached of color, heaviness overwhelming me. I’d let fear and angst drive me to failure, and the second of my life I’d been obsessing about endlessly hadn’t remotely lived up to my hopes.
Rachel walked away to be with her friends - the ones who’d now replaced me . . . her true friends. I’d been gone for too long, assuming all the while that things would be exactly the same when I returned. What I’d secretly been dreading really took place. It was the most difficult and rude-awakening I’d ever had in my life, and I had nothing to do but leave.
I turned around, stupefied and obscured. I heard Josh’s muffled voice shouting for me to come back, but I ignored it as a strong blast of wind entered from the west, raising mitigated leaves into the air. I climbed atop my transportation, not bothering to take a final look at Rachel, and peddled away, my defunct shadow disappearing as I rolled down the hilltop once more, the murky sky hanging overhead like an undertaker.
Depression controlled my body.
My visions were blurry, yet recognizable.
I saw us as children, together in a playground with our parents looking onward.
I saw our wedding, outside in a beautiful park, her gown glowing in the sunshine to enhance her natural radiance. She was walking up the center of the ceremony, her arm in her father’s, who delivered her into my hands. All of our friends were there, watching with delight as we said our vows and were pronounced husband and wife. We shared a passionate kiss, lovingly cradling each other in front of the minister.
The scenario rippled, transforming into another.
She sat on my lap, snuggling close on a couch before the fireplace. Our beautiful baby was on the floor, staring up at us with sparkles in his eyes that glowed like the moon and stars, just like his mommy. We smiled back at him, leaning forward and picking him up to hold in our arms – that precious little boy we’d created together.
The picture blurred further, and was altered again.
We were middle-aged, and our son had grown up, engaged to someone he’d known since childhood, reminding us both of ourselves years ago. We were planning the wedding with them, and watched them become united, providing one of the most fulfilling experiences of our lives.
Years went by, and we grew old together, as was shown by my next dream.
We were grey-headed, and had aged considerably, but our love for each other was still as strong as ever. In time, we would die, both by each others’ sides till the very end, but our affection would still leave its trace to forever show how much we’d cared for each other.
Then the scenes blackened out all together, and the sound of rain returned to remind me of the reality – that I’d missed out on this marvelous future with Rachel. Our relationship had slowly died while we were separated; the opportunity for such a bright life to look forward to had been passed. Tears rolled down my cheek, as I shivered, utterly heartbroken, never having felt so alone.
(More to come)
1/16/2003 8:42:22 PM
(Updated: 1/16/2003 8:50:37 PM)
(Updated: 1/17/2003 12:32:09 AM)
(Updated: 1/17/2003 12:34:01 AM)
(Updated: 1/17/2003 12:52:09 AM)
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