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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 1)
By JPJunkee
THE FIRST EPISODE
"Hello, Dr. Norman Junkee? How are you today?" said the cheery female voice on the other line of the phone.
Dr. Junkee sighed, "What do you want?" Junkee was sitting in his office, drinking his morning coffee, he didn't like to be distracted by phone calls.
"Well, sir, I'm calling to offer you free advertisements in the 'Meet a Lover Program'!"
"What the hell? You're a friggin solicitor!" Junkee yelled.
"Why yes sir, I am! Would you like me to sign you up?"
Junkee slammed the phone down, and then yelled out the door of his office, "Crow?!"
The Crow walked slowly into Junkee's office. Crow was Junkee's assistant. "Yes sir?"
"I was just disturbed by a solicitor, I thought I told you to screen my calls."
"Uhh, that wasn't a solicitor, that was Yvonne. She was calling you from downstairs in the lobby, she said she had a message for you."
Junkee's face began to glow red with anger, "Yvonne. . . . curse her, I bet her and the other patients got a good laugh at that. Crow, I want you to go downstairs, and give Yvonne three injections of some sort of medication that she won't enjoy."
"Uhh, sir, that's not the right thing to do with such an unstable patient as Yvonne. . . ."
Junkee roared as he got up from his chair and picked The Crow up above his head, and then threw him out the window. Crow hit the ground with a thud, and groaned as he rolled onto his side. "Don't ever question my techniques!" Junkee yelled. "I graduated from Harvard!"
There was a knock on the door to Junkee's office, and Junkee spun around. Standing there, blood splattered across his entire body was RaptorVinny. "Oh, it's you," Junkee said.
RaptorVinny took out an ice skate and began to finger the blade.
Junkee looked uneasily at the crazed man. RaptorVinny was one of Junkee's newer patients, and he was also one of his more violent patients as well. Before coming here, Vinny had killed over thirty people in random acts of anger. Vinny claimed it was all justified vengeance, the staff at the hospital got a good laugh out of that.
"Uhh, please sit down, RaptorVinny," Junkee said as he himself sat down behind his desk. "How are you feeling today?"
Vinny shrugged, "I killed one of the orderly. He was a crack head, I was bringing upon the vengeance of all the pitiful souls that fell for his trickery."
"Uh huh, and how did that make you feel?"
"Pretty good," Vinny said with a smile.
"You know you're never going to get better if you don't stop killing people?"
"Are too," Vinny said, looking at the blade in his hand.
"Are not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
The two men argued like that for another fifteen minutes until Junkee said, "Okay, I think that's good enough for today. You're making progress Vinny."
"Thanks Doc, you really think so?"
"No, not really, but it makes me sound more professional, doesn't it?"
"You mean you're not a real psychiatrist?"
Junkee laughed, "Of course I am!" then Junkee stabbed a long hypodermic needle into Vinny, and the blood covered man collapsed. In the fall to the floor, Vinny fell on his own blade, and the ice skate went through the skin of his arm. Junkee smiled, "Well now, isn't that something?"
After two orderly had taken Vinny's body away, Junkee sat down and waited for his next patient.
Yvonne walked into Junkee's office with a broad smile on her face.
"What are you so happy about?" Junkee asked. Yvonne and him hadn't exactly had the best history as Doctor and patient. Yvonne hated him and his methods, and Junkee just found everything about Yvonne to be hysterical -- especially how she landed when he threw her out of windows.
Yvonne shrugged, "It's a nice day, can't I admire a nice day?"
"Yes, you can, but not in my office," Junkee said as he closed the blinds on all the windows.
"You're mean," Yvonne snarled.
"Indeed."
"And you're a dork."
Junkee waved his finger at Yvonne, "Now, Yvonne. What have I said about calling people names?"
Yvonne rolled her eyes, "That it's not nice, and you should treat people the way you want to be treated. . . . you sound like you're seventy years old, geezer!"
Junkee picked up a block of cheddar cheese from underneath his desk, and hurled it at Yvonne's face. The cheese caught her right between the eyes, and she fell out of her chair.
"Why, Yvonne, you're so clumsy," Junkee laughed.
"Damn you!" Yvonne screamed as she began to stand up.
"Odd, you're using profane language. You haven't cussed for five years . . . . Yvonne you're advancing! My treatments are working!"
"Really?" Yvonne asked, obviously elated.
Junkee smiled as he got up and patted Yvonne on the back, "No, of course not really."
"Wha---"
Junkee stabbed a needle into Yvonne's neck, and then threw her through the window blinds. Junkee listened with a smile as Yvonne hit the ground and groaned in pain. Then, Junkee went back to his desk, and got out a bottle of Sam Neill wine, and then ran back to the window.
"Hey, Yvonne!"
Yvonne looked up at the window in pain.
"You left this!" Junkee held the wine bottle out the window.
"NOOO!!!! Don't drop my precious!" Yvonne screamed.
"What? I can't hear you."
"Please don't drop the bottle, it's mine! PLEASE!!!"
"What? Drop the bottle? Okay if you say so. . . ." Junkee let go of the bottle and Yvonne screamed as it came crashing down to earth.
"I hate you, Dr. Junkee! I'm going to take this to court! And you'll be locked away forever!" Yvonne screamed at the top of her lungs.
Junkee laughed, "You think a courthouse would believe you, you're insane! And besides, I have the best lawyer in the world; Vader! And who do you have? Knowing you, you'd probably try to piece that bottle back together and make it represent you."
"Oh no, Junkee! Last time I told you who my lawyer was, you through him off the World's Largest Tower Of Cheese, needless to say, he's dead now. So, this time it's going to be a surprise."
Junkee laughed, remembering how fun it had been when he dropped WetWilly off the Tower Of Cheese. Then he looked back down at Yvonne, "Okay, I'll see you in court! But, let's save that for tomorrow, what do ya say?"
"Damn straight!"
"Ahhh. . . . more profanity, very good Yvonne!"
"Oh shut up you dork," Yvonne muttered.
"Hey no name calling!" Junkee yelled, as he hurled a block of cheese at Yvonne, knocking her out. "Yes, uh, see you in court next time you odd girl."
LATER THAT NIGHT
Dr. Junkee left the hospital, and began walking to the parking lot. It was late at night, and he needed sleep if he was going to be in court tomorrow. His briefcase swung at his side, and he whistled softly in the peaceful darkness.
He approached his car -- a red Dodge Viper -- and set his briefcase on the ground as he unlocked the car.
Junkee heard a twig snap to his right, and he quickly turned to see if anyone was there. He sighed with relief to see he was alone. Then, he looked back at the lock on the door, and was shocked to see the shadow of another man next to him.
"Uhh, good evening," Dr. Junkee said.
The other man did not say a word. Junkee tried to see the man's face, but shadow blocked it from his vision. The man tilted his head to the side, and stepped towards Junkee.
"Can I help you?" Junkee asked.
The man did not answer, and within a second, he had covered the distance between the two men, and had his great hands on Junkee's neck.
Junkee gasped with surprise, "What the hell are you doing?"
Now he could see the man's face. It was cruel and demented, with a bleached blonde goatee, and big black animalistic eyes.
"Holy crap, you're a freaky looking bastard," Junkee managed to say.
"I'm a vampire, you dimwit," the man snarled, showing his pointed teeth.
"Ah, well now, that explains the freakiness."
The vampire leaned forward and was about to take a bite out of Junkee's neck, when Junkee screamed pointing behind the vampire, "Look over there, free bagels!"
The vampire dropped Junkee and spun around, looking for the free bagel stand. When he saw none, he turned back to Junkee and roared.
Junkee picked up his briefcase and swung it down over the head of the vampire. There was a sickening thud, and then the vampire was on the ground.
Junkee didn't slow, he knew that such an attack as a briefcase over the head would not kill a vampire. He jumped into the Viper, and backed up out of the parking space.
The vampire stood up, and roared at Junkee.
Junkee responded by quickly accelerating, and driving into the vampire. The vampire yelled in pain as his body was knocked of it's feet and thrown into a tree.
Dr. Junkee smiled to himself and drove away.
Once home, Junkee quickly phoned his lawyer, Vader.
After about three rings, Vader picked up and said in a groggy and sleepy voice, "Hello?"
"Vader! I need your help," Dr. Junkee said.
Vader sighed, "Did you do kill another one of your patients? You're a psychiatrist, Junkee. When your patients die, questions about you and your methods arise."
"No, I didn't kill another patient. And like I told you, MikeyMike hung himself for his own reasons, I had nothing to do with it. Anyway, my problem is that one of my patients, Yvonne -- the most insane of them all -- is taking me to court tomorrow, because she says my methods of treatment are not approved or sane. . . . "
"And you call me. . . . why?"
"Vader! Come on!" Junkee pleaded. "Think about it, the last two times I went to court, I lost. . . . and God knows what happened to my lawyers when I lost. But whenever you represent me, I win! And you win! Come on buddy! Help a friend in need!"
"Who's representing Yvonne?" Vader asked.
"She won't tell me."
"That's not a good sign."
"I don't care! Yvonne's a looney! I just need a good lawyer to convince them of that. . . . and you're the best."
"I am the best, aren't I?"
"Indeed."
"Well, I bet I'm going to regret it, but okay. . . . sure."
"Thanks Vader! I owe you one!" (and just for the readers that just might be reading this, I know it doesn't work this way)
NEXT DAY IN COURT
Dr. Junkee walked into the court house. Lots of people ran all about. Junkee sighed as he made his way to the court room where his case would be taking place.
Standing by the door, his arms and legs covered with casts, was Crow. Junkee rolled his eyes as Crow smiled, and then hobbled over to him, "Dr. Junkee!"
"What is it, Crow?" Junkee asked.
"I came to wish you luck today."
Junkee's eyes flashed with anger, "You think I need luck to win?!"
"Uhh, no. . . . wait, yes. . . .no, no you don't. But, I also came here, to let you know, that you have a new patient."
"You couldn't have called me on my cell phone to tell me?"
"Well uhh. . . . "
"And you couldn't have waited for me to get back to the hospital?"
"Uhhh. . . ."
"This better be good, Crow."
"The new guy, we found him unconscious in a tree. Really odd looking fellow, really muscular."
"What's his problem?" Junkee asked.
"Well, he keeps on repeating this odd language, and he keeps on biting people."
Junkee remembered the vampire he had hit with his car last night, "Uh huh. . . . does he have a name?"
"Yeah, his name is, Rez."
Junkee nodded his head, "So, my new patient, is a Denmarkian vampire named Rez, who I just ran over with my car. . . . this cannot end well."
Crow smiled, "Nothing ever ends well with you, Dr. Junkee."
Junkee's eyes flared, "And what exactly, is that supposed to mean?"
"Uhhh. . . ."
"Wrong answer!" Junkee yelled as he picked up Crow and threw him out a window. Then, Junkee straightened his tie and walked into the court room.
He walked down to the defendant's table, and found Vader there waiting for him. Vader was Junkee's age. He had a very athletic build, and wore an expensive looking suit. Vader and Junkee had gone to Harvard together, and had become friends. Nowadays though, Vader would often times deny being Junkee's friend, because of Junkee's odd behavior and general distaste for the people that he worked with. . . . but oh well.
Junkee sat down next to Vader and shook hands. Vader took a paper bag and a wooden mallet out of his jacket pocket and set them on the floor.
"What are those for?" Junkee asked.
Vader smiled and shrugged, "Just in case."
It was then, that Yvonne and her lawyer walked into the court room and sat down at the table beside them. Yvonne's lawyer was older and had spots of gray on his temples. He looked much more serious and respectable than Vader did.
"Who's he?" Junkee said.
Vader sighed and answered in a worried tone, "That, is Sinornis. . . ."
"And should I be worried?" Junkee asked.
Vader titled his head to the side, "Possibly. But it all really depends on who the judge is, and how badly you screw up." Vader smiled and shuffled more papers.
"So, if I lose, it's my fault?"
"It's always your fault, Junkee."
"Oh. . . . well, that's good to know, I suppose."
"Why is that?"
"Because if it's my fault, I have no reason to kill you. . . ."
Vader's eyes went wide, and was about to ask another question, when one of the guards said, "All rise, for Judge Monki!"
Vader smiled as he and Junkee stood up. Monki walked into the room and sat in his chair, then motioned for everyone to sit.
Junkee leaned over to Vader and whispered, "Is this a good judge?"
Vader smiled, "More or less. . . . but he'll be on our side."
"How do you know that?"
"I kept him out of prison. You know all those 'DAN is THA MAN' things? Well, Monki was behind it all. Many people wanted him put in prison, but I defended him and won the case for him."
"So, this is a good thing."
Vader smiled again, but said nothing more.
Monki and the two lawyers said the things people in court are supposed to say. But, lets just be honest, that crap is pretty damn boring. So. . . . watch as I (the writer) defy time and jump into the future! :::insert weird vortex crap:::
Monki sighed, "Defendant, please proceed with your closing statement."
Vader stood up and approached the jury, "Yvonne is a looney, ladies and gentlemen!"
Sinornis stood up and shouted, "Objection!"
Monki laughed, "Vader's just stating the obvious! Now Vader, continue."
"As I was saying, Yvonne is a looney. And her complaints and her statements, claiming that Dr. Junkee is not a good psychiatrist are just insane! And the whole thing with her believing that Dr. Junkee isn't even a real Doctor. . . . just proves how much of a lunatic she is." Vader paused, then continued, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't fall for her false claims. Does Yvonne have any proof to show that she was mistreated? No. And therefore, Dr. Junkee is innocent. Thank you."
Vader walked back to his seat.
Sinornis stood up and approached the jury. He ran his fingers through his hair, and said, "Does Yvonne have any proof to show that she was mistreated? Yes, she does. I have here, an X-Ray of her skull." Sinornis pulled an X-Ray out of his folder and presented it to the jury. It showed a picture of Yvonne's skull, with a crack above the nose. "This crack in her skull, was created when Dr. Junkee threw an eight pound block of Pepper-Jack cheese at my client. Is that proof of mistreatment? I sure as hell think so. Thank you, that is all."
Okay so, the jury went away, there was a short break, where people talked about what kind of pie they had had the night before, then the jury returned with their decision.
"Has the jury come to a decision?" Monki asked.
"Yes, we have your honor," said one of the jury members as he stood up and said, "We find the defendant Dr. Junkee, not guilty. And we think he is indeed a REAL psychiatrist."
People stood up in their seats and began to shout and scream with glee, because they all knew Junkee was cooler than Yvonne.
Meanwhile Yvonne broke into tears and began to sob on Sinornis' shoulder.
Junkee stood up and shook Vader's hand.
"You know," Vader said, "you shouldn't have won."
"Indeed, I do know that. But I did WIN, so therefore I'm going to let you live."
Vader laughed (even though it wasn't really a joke, and Vader was quite frightened) and then said, "Excuse me, I have to go and speak with Yvonne."
Vader walked away from Junkee and tapped Sinornis on the shoulder. Sinornis turned around, surprised to see Vader standing there.
"Yes?" Sinornis said.
Vader looked as though he wasn't going to say anything, then he threw his hands in the air and screamed, "Tak taki!" He punched Sinornis in the jaw, and Sinornis flew to the ground. Then, Vader grabbed onto Yvonne, and threw the paper bag over her head. And then he withdrew the wooden mallet.
Junkee observed all of this with a face of utter shock, "Ummm. . . . "
Vader held Yvonne still as she struggled and he proceeded to hit her with the mallet.
Junkee looked about the room. Everyone was still rejoicing over Junkee's win, and none of them noticed Vader beating Yvonne. "Uhh, what are you doing Vader?"
Vader screamed words of another language as he continued his hitting.
Junkee shrugged his shoulders, "Bah! See ya later Vader! And I'll be seeing you tomorrow Yvonne!"
Yvonne screamed back at Junkee from within the paper bag, "I hate you!"
Junkee smiled, "I hate you too." Then Junkee left the room of chaos and walked to his Dodge Viper in the parking lot.
-- Dr. Junkee
3/17/2003 12:45:12 AM
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