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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 9)
By JPJunkee
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING SANE
Dac frowned and sulked by the side of a tree. His skin was black and slightly charred. Smoke still lingered in the air above his head. Aragorn and Jmock5 stood in front of him, scowling down at him.
"Why'd you take my nickel?" Dac muttered, never looking up into Aragorn's eyes.
Aragorn flipped the shiny nickel over in his hand. "We can't have you setting yourself on fire anymore."
"I never set myself on fire," Dac said.
Aragorn blinked, confused as to whether Dac was having short-term memory lapses again, or if Dac was trying to fool him. "You can't have the nickel back. If you do use it to set yourself on fire again, it may alert dinosaurs to our presence. And me, being the King of the World, I cannot allow me to be captured by these lizard scum."
Dac stuck his bottom lip out and pouted. "But it's my nickel."
Aragorn sighed, "Jmock5, what do you think?"
"Woohoo! I'm a starfish!" Jmock5 shouted.
Aragorn nodded, seeing Jmock5's point. "Okay Dac, you can have your nickel back. Just promise not to create anymore fire, okay?"
"I promise," Dac smiled.
Aragorn flipped the nickel into Dac's hands. As soon as the little shiny coin touched his fingers, Dac's entire body lit up in flames.
"AHHHHH! IT'S WARM!" Dac howled.
Aragorn was about to start kicking dirt on Dac again, to try to put out the blaze, when he heard the sound of a big dinosaur roaring behind him.
"What was that?" Aragorn asked.
"Tyrannosaurus," Dac said, still on fire.
"I don't think so," Aragorn said quietly. "It sounds bigger."
The trees parted and broke away from their roots as a giant pink brachiosaurus thundered out of the jungle towards them.
"AHHHHHHHH!" Dac and Aragorn screamed.
"Woohoo!" Jomock5 shouted.
Dac (still on fire, mind you), Aragorn, and Jmock5 turned to run. The big pissed off dinosaur was right behind them, though, its long legs carrying it very quickly. The long neck bent down, biting at them.
"It wants revenge!" Dac wailed.
The pink pissed off brachiosaurus bit onto one of Jmock5's flailing arms, and plucked him off the ground. The poor starfishman screamed as he was lifted fifty feet into the air, and then swallowed whole by the ravenous brachiosaurus.
"Oh no!!!!!" Aragorn squealed.
The brachiosaurus stopped chasing Aragorn and Dac, and with its hunger satisfied plodded back into the tall trees of the forest.
Dac (yep, still on fire) and Aragorn stopped running, and put their hands on their knees, trying to catch their breath.
"Jmock5. . . he's. . . . he's gone," Aragorn mumbled.
"He was getting on my nerves, actually," Dac said, swatting a flame off the end of his nose.
"Yeah, me too. And he really didn't lend anything special to the story."
"Good move on the writer's part, for killing off his character."
"Yeah," Aragorn said.
* * *
Jmock5 rolled around inside the brachiosaur's stomach, until his body finally came to rest next to the dead bodies of Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Adolph Hitler, and Dennis Rodman. Jmock5 smiled slightly.
"Woohoo!"
* * *
"Do you have any weapons we could use against the lizards, Dark Hunter?" Junkee asked, looking around the interior of the rusted out truck that Dark Hunter had been using as a home for who knows how long.
"No. . . And they're not lizards. They're dinosaurs," Dark Hunter said.
"Same thing."
"Oh, no, no, no, no! Dinosaurs are evil beings that only live so they can destroy stuff!"
Junkee shook his head, "I've read some books about dinosaurs. They aren't all bad."
Dark Hunter sighed, Junkee just didn't get it. "The dinosaurs. . . . They are mean and angry. They will eat you!"
"Some of the dinosaurs are nice, like the gallimimus," Junkee said. "They look harmless."
"Yes! They look harmless! But, I have good reason to believe they are plotting to destroy the world, on July 12th, 2003."
Junkee looked confused. "July 12th has already come and gone."
"Hmm. . . they're pretty clever, aren't they?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Wha--"
Dark Hunter downed another bottle of beer and said, "So, how did you two end up here on this island?"
"Our plane crashed when our pilot went out to lunch," Vader said, coldly.
"Hmm, cool."
"'Cool' is hardly the word I would use to describe it," Junkee said. "And now, I think someone is trying to kill us."
"Why is that?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Spielberg1213, he attacked me. . . . He was after me . . . Drucifer must be here."
"Wait, Spielberg1213?" Vader asked. "Didn't I kill him?"
"Yes. And now he's not alone."
"Say what?"
"He must have found a way to clone himself. . . Either that or Drucifer created a lot of him. . . One or the other. . . . Or both. . . Or one. . . or the other."
"So you mean there's more than one of him?" Vader asked.
"Did you even read what I just said?" Junkee asked, dumbfounded. Vader looked up past the last few words strung together in the sentence above and scratched his head, saying nothing. Junkee rolled his eyes and turned back to Dark Hunter and asked, "In your time on the island, have you ever seen any other people?"
"Oh sure, lots of people. No! Do not tell him this! The others will want him dead. We want him dead. We must kill him!. . . . Oh, I mean, no, no other people here. Just me!"
Junkee and Vader looked at each other, both frowning.
Junkee looked back to Dark Hunter, "Say, Dark, about your split-personality disorder-"
"I have no disorder. Hehehehe."
"Yes, well, I don't believe you."
"You're wrong not to believe me, Junkee. Booyah grandma!"
Junkee put his hand in his pocket, fingering one of about a dozen hypodermic needles he had brought with him just in case. "Do you have any mental problems you would like me to help you with, Dark?"
"No, I don't think so. Pfft!"
"Hmm, okay," Junkee said, jumping forward and stabbing the needle into Dark Hunter's leg.
"Owwwwwwwww! Dag nabbit!" Dark Hunter yelled, then in the next moment he was asleep.
"Holy shit, that stuff worked fast," Vader said.
Junkee smiled, holding up the needle so Vader could see the label on the side. "Chemical X. . . . Small dosage. So, wherever Dark Hunter picked up his little split personality thing, it will now be wiped out. . . as will any other memory from the past month or so."
"That's kind of evil, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Junkee sighed. "But, it's cool."
"Indeed."
"So, let's get out of here, okay? We'll just try to find wherever the hell Drucifer is, so we can. . . well, convince him to helping us off this island."
"What about him?" Vader asked, pointing at Dark Hunter.
"You can carry him," Junkee said, opening the hatch on the truck, and stepping out into the jungle.
Vader growled and picked up Dark Hunter, placing him comfortably over his shoulders, then he too climbed out of the truck. Junkee was already walking away, so Vader hurried to catch up with him.
* * *
Martin Randle stood by the window, looking outside at the storm and rain. The winds were so strong, trees were falling over. Thunder rumbled in the sky above, and Martin closed his eyes. Behind him, he heard footsteps. Turning his head to the side, he saw Drucifer walking up to him.
Drucifer stared out at the terrible weather outside. He shook his head, "What is going on out there, Martin?"
Martin sighed, "Revenge, treachery, deceit. . . murder. The Gods are mighty pissed with you, Drucifer."
"It's only a theme park. I built it with the best intentions."
"Pfft! The best intentions? . . . Okay then, I forgive you! But, the Gods, they do not. They want this land destroyed."
"How do they plan to do that?" Drucifer sounded skeptical. "They're only Gods."
Martin shook his head, "You are blind, my friend. The Gods control all. Nature, magic, even your own personal thoughts can be controlled by Them, if it is desired. The Gods have formed a new alliance with nature, and their armies are now being assembled, just to destroy your island, and your creation."
Drucifer crossed his arms over his chest.
"There is a union now, between the two Gods Bob and Dan. . . . A new order is rising," Martin said.
"What do we do now?" Drucifer asked.
Martin's eyes narrowed as he tried his best to look like Sir Ian McKellan. "The strong survive. The somewhat strong, but not as strong as the really strong get smacked around. And the weak get eaten and made fun of."
Drucifer tried to figure out a way in which that answer actually had anything to do with his question. He couldn't think of any.
"Now is the time to determine who will die," Martin continued. "Who won't die. And who will die but then come back to life, later on."
"Will I die?"
"More than likely."
"Dammit."
* * *
Amber woke up with mud in his mouth. He spat it out and opened his eyes. He was laying face down at the bottom of the steep wet hill. Above him, he saw the Jeep still stuck on the fallen tree. Amber sighed and stood up.
"Trees. . . I hate trees," he grumbled, walking back up towards his Jeep.
From behind him, he heard an abrupt hooting noise. Amber frowned and turned around, "The hell is that?"
He turned around to find himself staring face to face with a four-foot tall dilophosaurus. The odd looking dinosaur titled its head to the side and said, "Hoooooooot."
"The hell do you want?" Amber growled.
"Hoot, err, hoot?" the dilophosaurus said, rearing its head back.
"What, you hungry? I just went on a diet; I have nothing on me. I have no food on me."
The dilophosaurus cocked its head again, obviously intrigued and confused by Amber's behavior.
Amber saw a stick at his foot, and he bent down to pick it up. "What? You want a stick, want the stick? Play fetch? Play fetch?"
The dilophosaurus frowned, "Hoooooooooot."
"Play fetch, yes?" Amber asked. He waited a moment for the dilophosaurus to say 'oh yes please, Mr. Amber, that would be just dandy!' but when that never happened he snarled and threw the stick at the little dinosaur, hitting it in the head. "Yeah! Play fetch, stupid lizard!"
The dilophosaurus lowered its head and turned to walk away, disappointed that its potential playmate was such a jackass.
Amber smiled, "Hehehe," and turned around, starting back up the hill towards his Jeep. He reached the Jeep's door and opened it slowly, turning back to watch the dilophosaurus walk away. Suddenly, the stick flew through the air and stuck him in the face. "Oh my goodness!" he screamed, losing his footing and tumbling back down the hill.
He rolled end over end until his body finally came to rest at the feet of the dilophosaurus. The little dinosaur bent down beside him and said, "Hoot l'idiot humain stupide."
"What the hell? You're like one of those French lizards. . . . Hmm, I think that's called a biscotti," Amber said in a frightened voice.
The dilophosaurus opened its mouth and spat black goo at Amber's face. Amber screamed as the goo hit his eyes. Quickly, he tried standing up, and then he tried to wipe as much of the goo off his face that he could. Once enough was off his face, he opened his burning eyes and glared at the dinosaur.
"You spat on me."
"Muahahahahahaha. . . hoot."
"Fine, wanna play hardball?" Amber asked, pulling his tobacco can from his pocket. "Let's play hardball."
"Hoot que jamais."
Amber stuffed a big wad of chewing tobacco into his mouth and began to chew.
"Hoot hoot hoot hoot!" the dilophosaur laughed, mocking him.
Amber smiled, revealing black teeth, then he snapped his neck forward and spat a big wad of tobacco into the dilophosaurs' eyes.
"Oh zuthoot!" the dilophosaur roared, scraping the tobacco from its eyes.
"Haha! You had it coming!" Amber shouted.
The dilophosaur shook its head, the remaining tobacco flying off of it. Then, it looked at Amber with enraged eyes.
"Oh. . . . shit."
"HOOT!" the dinosaur roared as it leapt forward, tackling Amber down. The two combatants rolled around on the ground, punching and clawing each other. Screaming obscenities and insulting each other's mothers. Until Amber finally landed a solid kick on the dinosaur's midsection, sending it flying off of him.
Amber stood up off the ground, bloody and bruised. He pointed his index finger at the dilophosaur and said, "I-I created you!"
The dilophosaur tilted its head to the side, pondering the statement.
"Would you really want to kill your creator? I gave you life," Amber said, as he began to slowly walk up the hill towards his Jeep.
The dilophosaur pondered this, too. Then slowly, an evil lizard smile came across its face, and it nodded its head.
"No, no, wrong answer," Amber said, opening the back door of the Jeep.
The smile on the dinosaur grew as it crept slowly towards him.
"Keep back, I'm warning you!"
"Hoooooooot, hoot hoot," the dilophosaur said, walking past the front of the Jeep and closing in on Amber.
Amber reached into the Jeep, his hands instantly finding what he was looking for. Then, he got out of the Jeep, pulling the silver beer keg with him.
The dilophosaurs stopped in midstep, eyeing the keg and sizing it up for a proper attack.
"Lizards. . . . I hate lizards," Amber growled, holding the beer keg above his head.
"Hoot?"
"If I'm gonna die, I'm taking you with me, sucka!"
"Hoot, non!!!!" the dilophosaurus screamed, pleading for its life.
Amber was in no mood to listen. He swung the keg down, and with a loud 'klunk' hit the dinosaur over the head. The dilo shook its head, then tottered backwards and fell over the hill. Amber watched as the poor lizard fell and then finally hit the bottom. But that was not enough for Amber, oh no, no, no! Still holding the keg over his head, he leapt over the side of the hill at the fallen dinosaur, screaming, "Kamikaze!"
The dilo looked up just in time to see Amber and the keg coming crashing down on it. It let out a moan of pain and then closed its eyes as the darkness took over.
Amber stood up, putting his hands up in the air in victory. "Woo! I am invincible!"
"CRAW!"
"What the-"
Amber turned to the origin of the sound; the cave formation. And in the darkness of the cave, he saw two red glowing eyes staring back at him.
"Ohhhhhhh, shit," he muttered.
"CRAW!"
Amber waited for the terrible monster from the cave to show itself, and when the penguin walked out of the cave, he let out a loud laugh.
"It's a blasted bird!" he laughed.
"CRAW!" the penguin said.
"What? You got a problem with me beating the shit out of the wildlife?"
"CRAW!" the penguin nodded its head.
"Yeah, well, whatcha gonna do about it?" Amber scoffed.
The penguin opened its mouth, and fire began to glow from within its throat.
"Uh oh."
"CRAW!" the penguin screamed as it shot fire from its mouth at Amber.
Amber hurried to try and hide behind the beer keg, but he knew it was impossible to go faster than the fire. He frowned and closed his eyes, and then he was engulfed in the blaze.
* * *
Yvonne sat in the passenger side of the red Jeep, looking out the windshield at the destruction in front of her. The two Explorers were empty, and one of them looked like a monster truck had driven over it, or something. Then, the bathroom to the side of the road was destroyed, as was the electric fencing.
Yvonne opened her door and jumped out into the darkness of the night, looking through the wreckage for survivors. Snake-Mark the game warden got out of the driver's side and began to do the same thing.
"Alan!" Snake-Mark shouted. "AlanGrant5!"
"HOST!" Yvonne screamed. "Host, where are you?! HOST!"
Snake-Mark looked at Yvonne with a frown, "Shouldn't you be calling the name of your boyfriend?"
"Ehhh," Yvonne shrugged her shoulders.
Snake smiled, "Clever girl."
Yvonne walked over to look at a shoe in the dirt. She brushed a few leaves off the shoe, only to realize that there was still half a leg attached to the shoe. Except, where it was cut off, there was no blood, only black charred flesh.
"I think this was Panos," Yvonne said.
Snake-Mark walked over to her, and looked at the leg on the ground. "Hmmm, interesting," he said.
"What happened to him?"
"Toaster."
"Sorry?"
"Oh, don't be sorry, really, he was but a lawyer and an asshole. The bloody worm deserved this."
"No. . .you said 'toaster'. . ."
"Oh, yes, well, he was attacked by a toaster," Snake-Mark said.
"Really?"
"Oh yes, I've seen this many times before. You know, you stick some bread in your toaster, then it gets stuck, so you stick your hand in after it and it shocks you. . .and you get toasted."
"You are a game warden, right?" Yvonne asked.
"Five years, yes. But what I really want to be is a pirate! Arrr!"
"Uh, interesting. . . . And in those five years. . .how many toaster attacks have you been around?"
"Five."
"So, about one toaster attack a year?"
Snake-Mark thought about this for a moment, then nodded slowly, wondering if Yvonne always had such bad mathematical skills.
"What was Panos doing toasting bread out here in the middle of a storm, power outage, and dinosaur rampage?" Yvonne sounded skeptical.
"The bugger must have been hungry, I guess."
"And he decided to eat his toast in the bathroom?"
Snake-Mark stood up straight. "Great scott!"
"What?" Yvonne asked.
"Panos. . . the blood sucking sonofabitch! He was behind all of this!"
"All of what?" Yvonne was getting sick of all the question marks in her dialogue.
"The toaster!. . . I kept thinking 'this toaster stuff just doesn't make sense', but now it does! Oh, now it does! It is all so clear to me now!"
"What is?!"
Snake-Mark smiled. "Panos took the toaster and bread to the bathroom. . . and then flushed the toaster down the toilet, causing a massive power outage, and ultimately killing himself. Suicide flusher!"
"Wasn't Amber responsible for the power outage?"
Snake-Mark's grin disappeared. "Hmmmm, well, Amber was just a decoy, yes. . . A decoy."
Then, they both heard a voice somewhere ahead of them on the ground saying, "Ohhhhh, someone either shut him up or just kill me, please."
Yvonne smiled and walked forward, brushing branches and leaves away from Host who lay on the ground. Host's left leg was beat up real badly, blood staining his black pants.
"Host can you hear me?" Yvonne asked quietly.
"Yes, duh," Host shook his head.
"What the bloody hell happened here?" Snake asked.
"Chaos, Mr. Detective, chaos happened here."
Snake-Mark frowned, trying to determine if Host had just insulted him. He cocked his big shotgun, just in case he dared insult him again.
"Are you okay, Host?" Yvonne asked.
"Remind me to ask Dru for some aspirin," Host said, closing his eyes.
Yvonne smiled and then she and Snake-Mark helped Host into the back of the Jeep. Once Host was placed nicely in the back with his injured leg propped up for support, Yvonne got into the front passenger seat.
"Shouldn't we at least search for the kids or AlanGrant5?" Snake-Mark asked.
"Oh, no, AlanGrant5's dead," Host said.
"He is?!" Yvonne screamed (not a happy or sad scream. . . somewhere in between).
"Yep, I killed him," Host said.
Yvonne and Snake-Mark looked at each other, both knowing Host was talking bullshit.
"And the kids?" Yvonne asked.
"Umm, the lawyer/terrorist flushed them down a toilet."
"HA! I knew it!" Snake-Mark said. "Come on, Yvonne, let's go, everyone else is dead!"
Yvonne frowned, and slowly buckled her seatbelt. Her inner feelings were all messed up and confused. From one perspective, one of the most annoying people she had ever met was now out of her life. And on the other side, she no longer had her very own Sam Neill. . . . which was really all that she ever wanted out of life.
Snake-Mark, happy with his detective duties, got in the Jeep and put it in gear. He was about to drive away when Yvonne put a hand on his arm and said, "Wait, what was that?"
"What was what?" Snake-Mark asked.
"I didn't hear anything," Host said.
Yvonne listened once more, "There it is again!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Snake-Mark asked.
"Shut up and listen really closely."
Snake-Mark closed his mouth and listened intently to his surroundings. . . Then he heard it.
Very faintly, somewhere behind them, "Woohoo!"
"Blimey, what is that?" Snake said.
Then again; "Woohoo! I'm a starfish! Woohoo! I'm a starfish!"
Yvonne and Snake frowned then turned around in their seats to look out the back of the Jeep. Standing about twenty feet away, was a giant pink brachiosaurus, and from its stomach, the "Woohoo" continued to chime again and again.
"Drive," Yvonne whispered out the side of her mouth.
Snake-Mark nodded, tuned on the ignition, and pressed the pedal down as hard as he could. The Jeep's tires spun for a moment, then it raced forward. The brachiosaurus roared and took pursuit.
"Be compelled to depart expeditiously," Host mumbled from the back of the Jeep as the pink dinosaur got closer.
"What the blazes did you just say?" Snake shouted.
The brachiosaurus moved the side of the Jeep, and lowered its long neck to stare into the vehicle.
"Shit! SHIT! SHIT! SHIIIIIIIIT!" Yvonne screamed.
"Here," Snake said. "Take the wheel."
Yvonne grabbed hold of the steering wheel, and pressed her foot on the gas pedal as Snake stood up in his seat. "What are you doing?!"
Snake-Mark lifted his big fancy shotgun that he never put down, and aimed at the head of the pink brachiosaurus. "Smile you son of a bitch!" he yelled, pulling the trigger and shooting the brachy in the face. The big pink creature roared and stopped chasing them at once.
Snake-Mark grinned and sat back down in his seat, and continued to drive away.
Host sighed, propping himself up on an elbow to look at Yvonne in the passenger's seat. "Where the hell did they find this guy?" Host asked.
"He's from New Jersey," Yvonne said.
"Ah, well that explains everything," Host said.
* * *
Woohoo! I'm a starfish!" a voice called in the distance.
RaptorHiss froze where he stood, "Anybody else hear that?"
AlanGrant5 listened closely, and heard the starfish yelling again. Then AG5 looked up at a tall tree beside him and said, "Let's climb this tree."
"Oh man, not trees," Bish complained.
"What, are you a chicken?" RaptorHiss asked.
"I'm not exactly fond of heights," Bish said.
"Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk!" AlanGrant5 shouted, imitating a chicken.
"You're so immature, man," Bish said.
AlanGrant5 rolled his eyes. "I know you are but what am I?"
Bish sighed, then began to climb up the tall tree. RaptorHiss and AlanGrant5 followed close behind. Once they had reached a solid place, they all sat down and began to relax. Bish pointed out from the tree, where there were about five brachiosaurs grazing along the tops of trees.
Bish said, "Look, those are umm, brontosaurus'. . . err, I mean---"
"Viciousasaurus," AlanGrant5 said.
"What?"
"We must leave, we must leave now!" AlanGrant5 said, standing up and motioning for the two kids to do the same.
"What's going on?" RaptorHiss asked.
"The dinosaurs, they are monsters that crave the blood of children! I must now adopt you two, and make you my sons, then we will flee the monsters as a family."
"Umm."
"Go now!" AlanGrant5 yelled, picking up Bish and RaptorHiss and chucking them out of the tree. The two kids screamed as they flew through the air and then hit the ground. AlanGrant5 smiled and then proceeded to climb down the tree himself.
When he reached the bottom, he turned to see that neither kid was on the ground anymore. "Kids?! Where'd you go? Daddy's angry!"
Bish and RaptorHiss meanwhile ran as fast as they could away from AlanGrant5, finally coming to a field of long grass, that they decided would be the best place to hide.
Well, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! And please leave a comment!
Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
9/5/2003 12:58:17 AM
(Updated: 9/10/2003 11:49:15 AM)
(Updated: 9/10/2003 11:49:59 AM)
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