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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 5)
By JPJunkee
WELCOME TO THE TOUR. . . . OF DOOM! (for lack of a better name)
Dr. Junkee sighed as he looked at the smoking wreckage that was once their small jet. Now it looked like a crumpled cigarette.
"Why are we back here?" Vader asked.
"We're stuck on this island," Junkee said. "We need to salvage as much equipment as we can before we set out into the jungle."
"Hmm, you're smart, Junkee, I vote for you as our team leader," Dac smiled.
"Woohoo!" Jmock5 shouted.
Junkee rolled his eyes and shook his head as they walked closer to the wreckage. They stepped over twisted pieces of steel and fiberglass. Vader and Dino_Dude walked to the back of the jet and opened the storage compartment, looking for equipment. Dac and Jmock5 worked together, to try and put the jet back together. . . needless to say, it was a waste of time. Meanwhile, Junkee was staring at one of the giant footprints left by their attacker.
It was three toed and about the size of a big New York pizza. It made Junkee hungry just looking at it. Stupid lizard feet. He sighed and looked away from the foot print, then moved towards the wreckage of the jet.
"Hello," a weak voice said, somewhere to his right.
"Who said that?" Junkee asked, walking in the direction of the voice.
"I did! Please, come closer."
Junkee looked all around as he followed the voice.
"Closer . . . No! Too close!"
Junkee stepped on something soft. He looked down to see he was standing on Aragorn's stomach. Aragorn had been stepped on, and was now pushed nearly two feet into the dirt. Junkee frowned and stepped off Aragorn.
Aragorn coughed, "What a brave soul! You have come to save your King! Now, please, help me out of the mud, I have fallen and can't get up."
Junkee glared at Aragorn, then turned and walked away.
"Mutiny!" Aragorn screamed.
Junkee walked to the back of the jet, where Vader and Dino_Dude were examining a red backpack.
"What is that?" Junkee asked.
"It's a sail, for hang gliding or whatever," Vader said. "Let's use it to set the loonies on fire."
"Geckbei!" Dino_Dude wailed.
"I agree with Dino_Dude," Junkee said. "That thing could come in handy . . . we could use it to save a kid from certain death as he is being attacked by mean flying lizards, or something."
"Always thinking ahead," Vader smiled, then put the pack on.
"Find anything else of interest?"
"Eeeeee, topa coon babla," Dino_Dude said, pointing deeper into the jet.
"Speak English, lad, your senseless baby talk gets annoying after a while."
Dino_Dude growled, "Mr. Wissywassy is in his cage."
"Who?"
"The badger."
"Oh, well, leave that here," Junkee said.
"It could come in handy, too. We might need the badger," Vader said.
"Badgers? Badgers?! We don't need no stinking badgers!"
"Okay, if you feel so strongly about it, we won't take the badger."
Junkee sighed and walked away from the jet. He stood observing the jungle around him. It was beautiful, he had to admit that. Vader appeared at his side.
"What is it?" Junkee asked.
"What are we going to do now?"
"Look for a way off the island, or for a way to kill the bloody pilot Icebreaker."
"And the loonies?" Vader asked.
"What about them?"
"Are we taking them with?"
Junkee looked at his feet, thinking.
"They would only slow us down," Vader said.
Junkee turned around, and saw Jmock5 and Dac examining a large tooth.
"How would you classify it, Jmock5?" Dac asked.
"Woohoo! I'm a starfish!" Jmock5 threw his hands up in the air.
Dac nodded. "You're probably right."
Junkee sighed, "No, we'll leave the loonies behind."
Vader smiled.
* * *
Drucifer led the others out of the dining room, and back into the main lobby.
"I thought I'd give you guys a little bit of company out in the park," Drucifer said. "And spend some time with. . . some little kid that lends nothing to the plot."
"Uncle Drucifer!" a kid said running up to him.
"Bish!" Drucifer smiled, spreading his arms wide and hugging his young nephew. Bish was only about thirteen, wore glasses, had messy hair, and looked like the kind of kid that would rather spend all weekend studying for a biology exam on the mating habits of Denmarkian spider monkeys, than going out with a girl.
[NOTE FROM AUTHOR: There is no such thing as a Denmarkian spider monkey, so he'd rather be studying a fictional monkey than going out with a girl! What a dork! Hahahahaha!. . . . eh, sorry. And, uhh, no offense to Bish, as I'm sure his hair isn't messy at all]
Yvonne, Host, AlanGrant5, and Panos watched awkwardly as Drucifer and Bish chatted about Bish's mother getting a divorce, and killing her husband.
Then, Snake-Mark walked into the lobby, with his son RaptorHiss at his side. "Dru, can I speak with you?"
Drucifer nodded, "Certainly." Drucifer left the others and walked over to Snake-Mark.
"Listen, Dru, I've got a lot of stuff to do, with this being the day of the tour and all. And I simply don't have the time to watch over RaptorHiss today."
"I can watch over myself," RaptorHiss sulked.
"No, you can't. Last time you were left alone, you came up with the brilliant idea that you were going to try and swim to China. Remember how hard it was to convince the Coast Guard that you were not a demon god, set out by Lucifer to destroy the Emperor of China?"
"That never happened!"
"That's beside the point!"
"Awww, man, you're no fun." RaptorHiss crossed his arms over his chest.
"What are you proposing?" Drucifer asked.
"I was wondering if he could just hang out with your nephew for the afternoon, and go along on the tour."
RaptorHiss frowned as he watched AlanGrant5 roaring at the tyrannosaurus skeleton, then he turned back to his dad and said, "I don't want to go on the lame tour, that tour is for pussies and kids with shit for brains."
"Watch your mouth young man!" Snake-Mark slapped the back of RaptorHiss' head. RaptorHiss, in turn, punched him in the stomach.
Drucifer frowned, "Well, I suppose that if you wanted, he could go on the tour."
"Thank you, Dru. Now, son, go run along and have fun with Bish and the nice Doctors."
RaptorHiss scowled then walked towards the others.
AlanGrant5 grinned then walked over to the two youngsters. "Hi kids, my name is AlanGrant5. I dig up dinosaurs. Can you say 'paleonenianotology'?"
"You're stupid," RaptorHiss said, then kicked AlanGrant5 in the shin. Then he and Bish walked away from the others, and walked out of the lobby.
"Nice kid," Host said sarcastically.
"Is he your son?" Yvonne asked.
"Yes," Snake-Mark nodded. Yvonne couldn't be sure, but she thought she detected a small frown on his face.
"Where is his mom?" she asked.
Snake-Mark paused for a moment, then pointed upwards.
Yvonne assumed this meant that she had died and gone to heaven, but when she followed where he was pointing, she saw that he was pointing at the tyrannosaurus skeleton, and its large open mouth.
"Oh my."
* * *
Junkee and Vader smiled guiltily as they walked slowly away from the jet, and into the jungle. The loonies were preoccupied with trying to remove Aragorn from the mud, and now would be the best chance for them to leave unnoticed.
Junkee almost felt bad for leaving the poor saps here to fend for themselves. But why shouldn't he? It wasn't like anyone would have blamed him. . . they were just a few stupid people, after all. On the outside, Junkee smiled because they were going to get away with it, but on the inside, he frowned on his actions. He was an insensitive human being, yes, but . . . he was still a human being . . . from a certain point of view, at least.
"Hey! Where you guys going?" Dino_Dude screamed behind them.
Junkee and Vader frowned, then turned to Dino_Dude.
"Oh, nowhere," Junkee said.
"Yeah, nowhere."
Dac eyed them suspiciously, "Who are you two, and what are you doing here?"
Dino_Dude punched Dac in the jaw, sending him sprawling to the ground. Then he looked back at Junkee and Vader, "You're leaving us, aren't you?"
Junkee shook his head quickly. "Ummm, no . . . ."
"Liar."
"Ummm, no . . ."
"Then what are you doing?"
Vader shrugged, "I have to go take a piss, and I'm afraid one of those damn lizards might come around and bite me in the ass, so Junkee's gonna make sure that I'm safe."
"Really?" Dino_Dude asked.
"Really?" Junkee asked.
"Yes, really."
Junkee nodded, then whispered out the side of his mouth, "Pretty clever."
"Maybe we should all take a bathroom break," Dino_Dude said.
"What? No, no, bad idea," Vader protested.
"Why?"
"Because, uhh, well, I don't like you, and I don't want you looking at me when I take a piss," Vader said.
Junkee frowned, this conversation had gone from odd to downright freaky.
"Why do you not like me?" Dino_Dude asked Vader.
"Does it matter? Now, please, I am about to wet my pants. I need to go now." Vader then turned, and ran into the jungle.
Dino_Dude stared at Junkee.
"I'm. . .gonna go now, too. . . . Umm, we'll be back. . . soon," Junkee said, then ran off, too.
Dino_Dude frowned as he watched Junkee run away. He might have been young. He might have been declared a psychotic menace to society. But he was smart enough to know that there was something more to this than a simple trip to the men's room.
* * *
Drucifer led the others out the front doors of the Visitor's Center, and then down the steps to the Tour Road. The kids, RaptorHiss and Bish, stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for them. AlanGrant5 bounded happily down the stairs, and ran up to the kids.
"Want to see a magic trick?" he asked them.
RaptorHiss and Bish simply glared at him.
AlanGrant5 smiled, then took a penny out of his pocket. "Behold! The Magic Penny! Watch, as the Magic Penny teleports from hand to hand!" AlanGrant5 grinned madly as he shook the penny in his right hand. "Oh! Did ya see that? Now it's in my left hand. But, wait, that's not the end of the magic trick."
RaptorHiss and Bish continued to stare.
AlanGrant5 shook his left hand. "I do another shake and---"
With a thud the electronic motorized Ford Explorer ran straight into AlanGrant5. He grunted as he fell to the ground, and the vehicle drove over him. RaptorHiss and Bish exchanged glances, then walked away.
Drucifer smiled at the brightly colored Explorers, "Ahh! These will be your transports for the afternoon! Aren't they lovely? Aren't they glorious?"
Host frowned, "They look like something from Richard Simmon's acid dreams."
"Yes, well, maybe so. But. . . . get in."
Panos stared in the driver's window. "There's no drivers."
"Of course not! They're electric," Drucifer said.
"Why?" Yvonne asked, she looked concerned.
"Because it's easier that way, my dear."
"But what if the power goes out due to some money hungry employee, and the cars stop at a carnivorous dinosaur's front door?"
Drucifer held his chin up high. "Well. . . . that's a risk. . . I'm willing to take. Now come along. Yvonne, come in the second car. AlanGrant5, get up, brush yourself off, and get in the second car, too." Smiling admiringly at the Explorers once more, Drucifer walked back up the steps, disappearing into the Visitor's Center.
"I'm going to ride with you," Host said, smiling at Yvonne.
"Why is that?" Yvonne asked.
"Oh, no reason," he said, his smile broadening.
AlanGrant5 stood up from the ground, and stepped in between Yvonne and Host. His lip was bloody, his hair messy, and his eye swollen . . . we can only assume that was because he was hit by a car.
"She's my girl, so buzz off Barbie," AlanGrant5 said.
"Did you just call me Barbie?" Host asked, slightly concerned.
AlanGrant5 stepped closer to Host, and said in a menacing tone, "And what if I did . . . Ashley?"
"I'd do this." Host grabbed AlanGrant5's shoulders, then quickly headbutted his forehead.
AlanGrant5 staggered backwards. After taking a moment to reaffirm his grip on the world, he said, "I'll be waiting for you two in the car." Then he sighed and got in the front seat of the second Explorer.
"What car do I ride in?" Panos asked, walking up to Yvonne and Host.
"The first car," Host said. "The second one is already full."
Panos frowned, slumped his shoulders, and walked to the first car.
Host smiled and stared at Yvonne for a long moment, but after she gave him the finger, he nodded then got into the car. Yvonne was about to follow him to the car, when Bish walked up to her.
She stared down at the young teen, as he smiled up at her. "What do you want?" she asked.
"I read your book," Bish said.
"Oh, well, that's nice," Yvonne said, pushing past him, and making her way to the car.
"Did Dr. Junkee really do all those bad things to you, and you still just let him live?"
"Um, yes, why?" Yvonne got in the back seat of the Explorer, and Bish followed her there.
"Well, that sounds like a pretty insane thing to do, if you ask me."
"Well, I didn't ask you, so buzz off brat," Yvonne snapped.
Bish frowned, and looked like he had been hurt. Then he got out of the car, and sulked all the way over to the first car.
"Wasn't that a bit mean, Yvonne?" AlanGrant5 asked.
Yvonne snarled and punched him in the back of the head.
* * *
Snake-Mark and Drucifer walked side by side down the hall, heading to the Control Room.
"We're about to start the tour, how is the weather for the rest of the afternoon?" Drucifer asked.
Snake-Mark shrugged, "Well, IKK_Viper the medicine man is expecting a tropical storm."
* * *
IKK_Viper, a short man with body paint all over him, and feathers sticking out of his hair stood at the top of the Visitor's Center, shouting and waving his arms at the heavens.
"Oh sky above, it is you, I love! Show me your might, show me your glory! Let me know of the weather, as I stand here on the top highest story!" he shouted.
There was a rumble of thunder and then a bolt of lightning shot out of the sky and struck IKK_Viper in the chest, sending him sailing off the roof of the Visitor's Center.
* * *
"That's not good," Drucifer said, as Snake-Mark put his keycard in the locking mechanism of the big metal door leading to the Control Room.
As they walked into the Control Room, Snake-Mark briefed Mr. Goodbytes about the approaching storm.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn," Mr. Goodbytes said. "Why didn't the weather satellite pick that up earlier?"
"Don't worry, G. Maybe it'll swing south like the last one."
:::FLASHBACK:::
Snake-Mark looked about five years younger. He stood at the coast of the island along with dozens of other workers and guards. They all held their guns high, aiming at the dark swirling skies above them. The hurricane was approaching the island at an amazing speed. They had no chance to abandon the island, and so they had decided to stand and fight it.
Thunder boomed, and all the men shouted a war cry and charged towards the waves of the ocean, firing their weapons at the sky.
A barrage of lightning bolts shot down from the clouds, turning all the men into dark piles of ash.
Snake-Mark stood back, and watched as the hurricane crispified his comrades, then it abruptly changed course, and went south, missing the island.
He grinned happily, "Woo! We win!" Meanwhile, the piles of ash blew away in the wind.
:::END FLASHBACK:::
Drucifer placed a hand on Goodbytes' shoulder, "G, start the program."
Goodbytes nodded, lit another cigarette, and then began to type madly at his keyboard. He sighed, "Hold onto your nuts." Then he pressed enter.
Drucifer looked at Snake-Mark, alarmed. "What did he say? He's supposed to say 'butts' not 'nuts'. We'll get a restricted rating for sure."
Snake-Mark rolled his eyes as he watched the computer monitors, and saw the two Explorers driving away automatically.
* * *
Sitting in the back seat of the first car, RaptorHiss and Bish bickered amongst themselves, as Panos tried his best to block out their consistent babbling.
"My dad could kick your uncle's ass," RaptorHiss sneered.
Bish thought for a long time to try and come up with a good response, but instead said, "Oh yeah? Well . . . I could kick your ass."
"Bullshit!"
"Bring it on!"
RaptorHiss and Bish began to punch and slap each other. Bish tried to gouge out RaptorHiss' eyes, and RaptorHiss tried to pull all the hair out of Bish's scalp.
Meanwhile, in the second car, Host, Yvonne, and AlanGrant5 stared in awe as their car approached the big gate entrance of the park. The gate read "JURASSIC PARK" in big bold letters.
"What do you think they've got in there? King Kong?" Host smiled at his own quick wit.
"Are we going to hit that?" AlanGrant5's eyes were wide with fear as he gazed at the gate that loomed over their cars.
"No, it'll probably open on its own," Yvonne said.
"Oh god! We're going to die! I was so young! Quick! Save yourselves! Ahhhhhh!" AlanGrant5 struggled to unlock his door, so he could avoid crashing into the large gate.
Suddenly the gate doors opened wide to allow the cars through. AlanGrant5 sat back in his chair sweating and red in the face.
"Sorry about that," he said.
Yvonne and Host exchanged worried looks, as the cars continued down the path.
* * *
Dr. Junkee and Vader walked in silence through the thick jungle. Junkee was happy with the silence. He had not heard such a beautiful thing in a long time.
"Want to hear a joke?" Vader asked.
"No."
"Come on, I'm bored, I need to talk."
"Fine, tell me a joke," Junkee sighed.
"What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino?"
Junkee shrugged.
Vader smiled, "Eliphino!"
Junkee thought about it for a moment then said, "That was lame."
"I thought it was funny."
"You thought wrong," Junkee said. Then he noticed a bright red flower to his left. "No, it cannot be. . . ."
"What? What is it?" Vader asked.
"Nothing, just keep going I'll catch up with you in a second."
Vader nodded and then walked over a small hill, then stumbled down it trying to make as little noise as possible. When he reached the bottom on the other side, he came to an abrupt halt and tried to remain as still as he could manage.
Spread out before him were nearly a dozen separate nests, each filled with large white eggs. "Holy shit."
Junkee meanwhile stepped closer to the red flower. Had he seen what he thought he had seen? Impossible! But still, he thought he saw what he had saw, so did he see it? Unlikely. But still, he thought he may have actually seen it but he doubted his eyes had saw it, so . . . what?
He leaned in even closer looking for the black beetle he thought he had seen on the flower petals just a moment before. The Gorblat was dead, he couldn't have seen it here---
"Dr. Junkee, you should come have a look at this!" Vader called.
Junkee frowned and walked over the hill. He stood next to Vader and looked at the eggs surrounding them. Slowly, he walked over to one of the nests and knelt down beside it. Almost instantly he stood back up with a big smile plastered upon his face, "Breakfast."
Vader and Junkee quickly collected as many of the eggs that they could carry then ran away from the nests.
* * *
Vader flipped the big egg in the skillet, then placed it back on the stove. . . . . Where they were able to find a skillet and stove is only limited by the reader's imagination.
"How do you like your raptor eggs?" Vader asked.
"Like my women, over easy," Junkee said.
Vader frowned, "What?"
"Nothing. . . .moving on. . . .Umm, you do realize that eating the eggs could be a very bad idea?"
"How so?"
"Well, if momma-raptor finds us, more than likely she won't be too happy with us eating her yet to be born offspring."
"Oh, I don't think so."
"How couldn't you?" Junkee asked, stabbing the eggs on his plate (made of leaves) with his fork (made of twigs). "We're eating her little kiddies."
"She'd understand, raptors are very intelligent animals," Vader asked, now suddenly a very intelligent paleontologist or something. "They were smarter than dolphins, and even frickin apes. She'll understand the concept of others having to survive by eating her eggs."
"Tell me, Vader. If someone ate your kids, wouldn't you want to do them harm?"
"I'd tear off their feet and beat them to death with em."
"My point exactly," Junkee said.
Vader frowned, "What?"
* * *
The two Explorers moved slowly over the tour road. Inside, everyone stared out to look at the lush vegetation, in hopes of catching a glance of one of the park's dinosaurs.
Over the car's radios, came Drucifer's voice, "The voice you're now hearing is George W. Bush, heh, we spared no expense!"
AlanGrant5 looked at Host and smiled, "Hehe, George and I are old friends."
Host was skeptical, "Really? How do you know Bush? It's sort of unbelievable that you would know the President."
"Oh we were old drinking buddies before he got elected as President."
"Ah, well that makes sense then," Host nodded.
Bush's voice came on in the Explorers, "If you look to the directionality of code seven of the parsect code, also known as to your right, you will see the first dinosaur on our tour. It is called; dilophosaurus."
"Dilophosaurus!" AlanGrant5 exclaimed looking out his window.
"Yes!" Yvonne smiled. She really liked the carnivores, as they ate people. She liked animals that ate people. It reminded her of her home, in Michigan, where carnivorous monsters ate lots of people whenever they went swimming.
Outside in the cage of the dilophosaurus, they spotted two of the crested dinosaurs bobbing their heads at each other. One of the dilos was green and red in color, while the other one was painted pink.
"One of the earliest carnivores," the voice of George W. Bush said, "we have now found dilophosaurus to be poisonous. Expectorating its venom at its prey, causing blackness and eventually insanity. All this makes dilophosaurus a prime suspect to be a part of the Axis of Evil. And should be destroyed. You hear me lizard?! We're coming for ya! Woohoo!"
Yvonne tried her best to block out the incessant screaming of Bush as she stared out at the dilophosaurs. The green dinosaur turned its back to the pink one, and then the pink one ran up and mounted the other.
Host rolled his eyes, "Well the paint plan worked out well I see."
"Look!" AlanGrant5 shouted. "The pink dinosaur is trying to jump over the green one, but he just can't seem to make it all the way over. Stupid unlucky bastard."
Yvonne sighed, "Well, so much for this being the only comedy with no crude sexual humor."
And the Explorers continued onward down the path.
* * *
Dino_Dude sat on a rock examining a sharpened block of cheddar cheese. It must have fallen out of Dr. Junkee's pocket when the jet crashed, he concluded. The side of the cheese was very sharp, and could prove to be a great weapon - for his revenge!
Smiling, he picked up a long stick off the ground, then with a grunt he shoved the stick into the cheese. Now he finally had his very own cheese-axe! Oh, how he had always wanted one! He remembered when he was younger, how he had asked for a cheese-axe for Christmas!
:::FLASHBACK:::
Little ten year old Dino_Dude sat happily before his Christmas tree. He was wearing his favorite squirrel costume, and lying before him were more presents than he could count! It truly was a good Christmas!
Seated behind him on the couch was his older sister Yvonne. Their parents had died in a fiery plane crash while on their way to Germany for their wedding anniversary. And after their deaths, Yvonne had taken on the burden that was caring for her younger brother.
Yvonne sipped Pepsi out of her Christmas glass and nodded for Dino_Dude to open his presents. Smiling like a frickin gingerbread man, Dino_Dude grasped his first present and within seconds had torn off all the wrapping paper.
"Woo! My very own Sharazoid-Emaculator-Bazookasaurus-Transformer action figure! Thanks sis!"
"You're welcome, little bro," Yvonne said with a smile.
Dino_Dude moved onto his next present, and in mere seconds, he had removed all the wrapping paper. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "My very own Tricicloram Learn About the World Through Use Of Your Inner Organs Energy Drink! Thanks Yvonne!"
Yvonne smiled, slightly disturbed because she in fact had not bought such an item for Dino_Dude.
Five minutes later, he had unwrapped all his presents. And while he was happy with what he had gotten this year, something was missing. He frowned and put his head down, knowing that yet again Yvonne had forgotten the toy that he had put at the top of his list.
"What's the matter, Dude?" Yvonne asked.
"I didn't get a cheese-axe. I really wanted a cheese-axe."
Yvonne sighed, "Dude, I'm just afraid you may lose your temper and attack me with the cheese-axe. It would cause me a lot of pain. . . ."
"Pain?" Dino_Dude growled.
"Yes. . ."
"I'll show you pain!" Dino_Dude leapt to his feet and jumped at Yvonne, holding his Transformer action figure above his head like a weapon of war.
"Oh my."
:::RETURN TO PRESENT:::
Dino_Dude smiled as he admired the cheese-axe in his hands. Yes, he finally had what he had always wanted. And now, he had the perfect weapon for his revenge against Yvonne!
"Muahahahahahaha!" he laughed. "Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" he laughed some more.
Aragorn walked over to him with a concerned look on his face. "Are you okay?"
"Err, uhh, yes," Dino_Dude coughed. "What do you want?"
Aragorn sighed, "Dac and I have been talking, and we think Junkee and Vader have been away too long. We think they might have been eaten by camels."
"Camels? What in the world makes you think they were eaten by camels?"
Aragorn pointed behind him over to Dac and Jmock5.
"Back Mr. Camel!" Dac screamed as a camel kicked him in the stomach, sending him falling to the ground.
Jmock5 jumped up and down shouting, "Woohoo! I'm a starfish!" Then a second camel ran out of the jungle and pounced on him, and began to chew on his shoulders.
Aragorn looked back to Dino_Dude and said, "I was under the impression that camels were desert animals."
Dino_Dude shook his head, "No that's a common misconception. You see; camels can be found anywhere. But, we as humans keep them in such places as deserts because they can last a long time without water."
"Ahhhhhhh!!!!" Dac screamed as one of the camels began to jump up and down on him. "Mr. Camel, this is not nice! I beg you to stop! Agggghhhhh!"
"But why would camels be on an island full of pink dinosaurs?" Aragorn asked.
Dino_Dude shrugged. "Well, I don't know to tell you the truth. Perhaps they were placed here by the island's owner."
The other camel bit onto the back of Jmock5's head. "Woohoo!" he yelled.
"Should we enter the jungle then, and look for Dr. Junkee?" Aragorn asked.
"Might as well."
"What about those two?"
Dino_Dude frowned then held the cheese-axe above his head and shouted, "Camels of the jungle! I am Dino_Dude, the man with the axe of cheese. Leave my fellow loonies alone, or I will chop off your diliwags!"
"Rahh! Pluppp, hawhur," said Mr. Camel.
Dino_Dude grinned, then twirled the cheese-axe in his hands and jumped at the two violent camels. Swinging the axe left and right, the cheese cut into the thick hairy hides of the camels. It was not before long that the camels had fallen.
"Wow, thanks Dino_Dude," Dac said, wiping blood off his chin. "I thought we were goners for sure!"
"Woohoo! I'm a starfish!" Jmock5 cried.
Dino_Dude nodded, "There is not time for thanks, we must go into the jungle now!"
"Right on!" Dac said.
"Damn straight!" Aragorn said.
"Woohoo!"
* * *
The two Explorers rounded another turn on their path, and finally came to a stop in front of a cage with very high walls. Yvonne looked out her window at the high cage and wondered what possibly could be kept within.
George W. Bush's voice came on inside the Explorers once more, "If you look to your left, you will see the next dinosaur on your journey, called Tyrannosaurus Rex. T-Rex's name means tyrant lizard king. And he's not the only tyrant that I won't turn my back on! Haha! You hear me Saddam, you son of a bitch?! I'm coming for you! I'll slit your frickin throat!"
Yvonne stared at the cage waiting for the t-rex to show itself. But it never did.
Host snickered, "Dan creates a Lost World Page . . . Dan destroys the Lost Wold Page . . . Dan creates a Jurassic Park 3 Page . . . JP3 haters destroy Dan . . . JP3 haters create JP4 Page."
Yvonne smiled, "Jurassic Park 4 ends up being the worst sequel imaginable . . . JP3 haters commit suicide."
The voice of Mr. Goodbytes came on, "We'll try to tempt the rex now, keep watching the fence."
There was a whirring noise and then behind the fence a big fat elephant began to rise up from the ground. The elephant had a red bandana wrapped around its eyes, so it was blind to the world.
AlanGrant5 threw his hands up in the air, "Haha! Prepare to die, fatty!"
In the other Explorer, Bish frowned, "It's going to eat Dumbo?"
"What? Don't tell me you didn't see this coming, kid," Panos said.
"I happen to find this story to be quite unpredictable," Bish retorted quickly.
RaptorHiss sneered, "Well, I happen to think you're a kiss ass loser."
"Take that back!"
"Never!"
Bish and RaptorHiss began to punch each other again.
Meanwhile, in the other car, Yvonne sighed, "T-rex doesn't want to be fed elephants, he wants to hunt."
Just then, the large boxy head of the tyrannosaurus peeked through the tops of the trees. Its eyes were a fearsome yellow color, but its skin was a bright pink. The mammoth dinosaur stared down at the two vehicles, then looked at the elephant.
"Holy shit, it's like Godzilla came out of the closet, or something," Host gasped.
The t-rex put its head down by the elephant's neck and began smelling it. Slowly, the long jaws of the ancient predator began to part, as it was about to bite down on its prey.
"Ooo, this is gonna be great!" AlanGrant5 said, bouncing up and down in his seat.
Then the t-rex swung its leg over the elephant and mounted it from behind. The elephant let out a trumpeting roar of surprise.
"What the---"
* * *
Amber typed madly away at his computer as he whispered into his microphone, talking to one of the bad guy insiders that was waiting for him on the boat.
"No, no, no, you gotta give me the time. I just need to get the embryos and get out. It'll take me fifteen minutes. Just give me fifteen minutes."
The bad guy sighed, "If the Captain says we gotta go, then we gotta go!"
"Please, just give me fifteen minutes. I beg of you! I'll massage your feet if you give me just another fifteen minutes!" Amber whispered harshly.
"No promises!" the bad guy hung up the phone.
Amber sighed and shook his head.
* * *
Again, the Explorers moved slowly down the road following the path of the tour.
Host sighed and stuck his head out his window. "Hey Mr. Writerman!" he shouted. "I thought this story was for little kiddies, what's up with the dinosaur sex and vulgar language, eh?"
The sky turned black and lightning began to dance across the large dark clouds.
"Ooookay then," Host said, sitting back in his seat. He shook his head and said to Yvonne, "Uhh, you see, the author doesn't have as many good ideas as last season, so he has to resort to upping the ante with more controversial stuff like the iffy language and crude sexual themes. The essence, of chaos."
"I'm still not clear on chaos," Yvonne said.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh it's simply a way of looking at complex happenings in a predictable and overly simple story such as this."
Yvonne nodded her head.
"The, uhh, the short hand is the Chase Kuertz effect," Host said. "Chase could write a successful story one day, and try to write a second the next, and fail miserably."
"That makes perfect sense to me," Yvonne said.
"Really?" AlanGrant5 asked. "Because to me, it seems like you're speaking in frickin Taiwanese!"
"Well, you're stupid," Host said.
"Ah, well now that I can understand," AlanGrant5 nodded.
There was a loud roar outside the Explorers. Yvonne looked out her window and saw a triceratops lying on the ground next to a Jeep. "Hey, there's a dinosaur, let's go see it," she said.
Everyone nodded and got out of the vehicle.
* * *
The wheezing triceratops lay on its side. Its breathing and movements were slow as everyone approached it. Beside the sick dinosaur, was a red Jeep, where the dinosaur vet, Angel was standing.
Bish opened his mouth, "Oh wow, it's huge."
AlanGrant5 smiled and climbed on top of the animal then threw his hands up in the air as he hopped up and down shouting, "Woo! I'm the champion! I have slain the dragon! Woo!"
"Please, do not stand on the dinosaurs," Angel said.
"But I-"
"No buts! Get down."
AlanGrant5 sighed, "Fine!" Then he jumped off of the triceratops.
Yvonne knelt down next to the giant three-horned head of the animal. "What are its symptoms?"
Angel shrugged. "We don't know, and it really doesn't matter as this scene doesn't add much to the story. We think it go sick by swallowing some berries that didn't agree with it, but the subject will never be brought up again. . . . so must we continue?"
"Oh."
* * *
Hiding in a tree, not too far from the triceratops, sat Guilty Spark. From his vantage point, he could see everything in the valley. Guilty Spark was a very skinny man, blue veins from beneath his skin shone through on his forehead.
He knew of the true dangers of this island. He knew of the gem that could be found here. But these people, these innocent lives that had just arrived on the island were oblivious to the hidden treasure. Without fare warning, they would certainly perish!
"I won't let it happen again," he whispered. "I know what the Mop of Magical Majesty can do to a man, and I will not let some other hapless soul stumble upon its power. Martin Randle will try to use the Mop to control their minds! He will make them all his slaves! I must warn them!"
Guilty Spark hopped down from his branch of the tree and ran straight for the people standing beside the sick triceratops.
"I will save you!" Guilty Spark screamed. "I am your savior!"
A bolt of lightning raced down from the heavens above, striking Guilty Spark. He was sent flying off his feet and then onto his back. He coughed a puff of smoke as his charred body tried vainly to sit back up.
"Go on!" he screamed as loud as he could (not very loud). "Save yourselves!"
* * *
Panos saw the bolt of lightning come down from the sky and rubbed his head, "Is there anyone else who thinks we shouldn't be out here? It looks like we've got a really nasty storm coming."
Host looked up at the sky and saw the dark sinister clouds approaching fast. "He's right, we should get back to the cars."
Yvonne frowned, "If it's alright, I'd like to stay with Angel and do some shopping."
Angel nodded, "Sure, we've got a gift shop that's just down the road, and I've got a gas powered Jeep, so we'll be fine."
"You're sure?" AlanGrant5 asked Yvonne. "I mean, you're going to miss out on a lot of stuff! Think of all the lizards you won't see! Think of the lizards for heaven's sake!"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Okay then!" AlanGrant5 smiled then ran off back to the Explorers. Everyone else soon followed, leaving Angel and Yvonne with the triceratops.
* * *
Mr. Goodbytes nodded his head and turned away from his computer and said to Drucifer, "The visitor vehicles are returning to the garage."
Drucifer sighed, "So much for our first tour, two sex shows, Dr. Junkee crash landing on the island, and one sick triceratops."
"It could have been worse, Dru," Goodbytes said. "A lot worse."
"Anybody want a pack of cigs or something?" Amber asked. Once everyone had turned their attention to him, he continued, "'Cause I'm going down to the machines and I'm on a hunger strike, so I thought I'd get some more tobacco."
"Get me a Mountain Dew, please," Snake-Mark said.
"Mountain Dew?" Amber whispered, his face growing red. "I . . . . hate Mountain Dew." Amber pulled a knife from his back pocket and walked slowly towards Snake-Mark.
"Amber! Calm yourself, lad!" Drucifer shouted.
Amber shook his head, trying to calm down. "Sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"That's okay," Drucifer said. "I don't blame coworkers for killing each other, but I will take away your Christmas bonus, understand me?"
Amber nodded and put the knife away. "Oh! I should tell you; some systems may be destroyed within the next fifteen to twenty minutes. So a few fences may go down, and we're basically all doomed to die terrible, terrible deaths. But that's nothing to worry about, just a simple thing." Then Amber smiled, turned on his feet, and left the room.
Drucifer, Goodbytes, and Snake-Mark all looked at each other for a long moment.
"Did he say we are all going to die?" Goodbytes asked, lighting another cigarette.
"I think so. . . ." Snake-Mark said.
"Ha! What a joker that lad is, eh?" Drucifer slapped his knee and went back to admiring his amber cane.
Thank you for reading, and please leave a comment! :)
-- Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
8/8/2003 12:35:15 AM
(Updated: 8/8/2003 12:44:48 AM)
(Updated: 8/8/2003 1:29:09 AM)
(Updated: 8/8/2003 12:39:30 PM)
(Updated: 9/18/2003 1:00:56 AM)
(Updated: 9/21/2003 5:28:29 PM)
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