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InGen University p4
By CeratosPit
Elsewhere on campus, in the frat house of the Delta Iota Kappa brotherhood, all-around loser Peter Ludlow was holding a meeting with the other members. Among them were the fat geek Dennis Nedry, pasty legal eagle Donald Gennaro, stereotypically smart Asian Henry Wu and the ever creepy boy scout Ben Hilderbrand. “Gentlemen.” Peter began. “I called forth this meeting because we have in our midst a serious problem.”
“I already told you, that kid’s a liar!” objected Ben. “I was just showing him how to check for testicular cancer!”
“Ew, not that!” Peter shuddered. “What I was referring to was our obscenely low social status in the University’s student hierarchy. Just yesterday our house was violated by the Albino Booger Eaters’ Club.” He then pointed to the words “DIKS ARE TEH SUCK!” written on the wall in white sPray paint. “And even that pales in comparison to the fact that we are the lowest rated fraternity in American history! As the inaugural brotherhood of InGen University, we must present ourselves as characters worthy of the resPect and worship of our student body!”
Just then, hairy nutcase Mark Degler burst into the room and shut the door behind himself. “GUYS! THE DINOSAURS ARE BACK! THEY’RE AFTER ME! I KNOW IT! MUST HIDE!” And with that, he ran under the couch.
“Ya know what, Pete?” Dennis asked stuffing his face with hot dogs. “Maybe the chess club would stop throwing rocks at us if DIK wasn’t made up of nutcases, geeks and virgins.”
“Well I’m not a nutcase, a geek or a virgin.” Ben reminded Dennis.
“Yeah, I’m sure there’s a traumatized 9 year old boy out there that can vouch for that last part.” Dennis quipped. “But really, I don’t think that helps us any.”
Peter crossed his arms and chuckled. “Well I don’t know about you, my frankfurter filled friend, but my days of celibacy are coming to an end. Behold what I’ve sPent the last month growing!”
“A set?” Dennis asked.
“No, you fool.” Peter then held a magnifying glass to his chin. “A whisker! For if there is on thing the ladies cannot resist, it is a well groomed lower jaw covered in fine hairs.”
“I CAN’T SHAVE MY BEARD!” Mark warned as he poked his head out from beneath a cushion. “IF I DO, ALL MY LICE WILL MOVE AWAY AND THEN NEW LICE WILL COME IN AND RUIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH GANGS AND DRUGS AND VIOLENCE!”
Dennis was silent for a moment. “Brilliant points aside, beards won’t help us get chicks. Me, I’m a big fat undesirable sack of crap and I’ve made peace with that. I won’t get any until I’ve bought out Bill Gates and taken over Microsoft. Peter, you’re a jelly-sPined douche bag who rides the coattails of a hated authority figure. Gennaro’s a law geek, Degler’s certifiable and Wu…well, he’s Korean or whatever.”
“Excuse me?” Henry interjected after trying to keep out of this conversation. “I’m Chinese, first of all, and what does race have to do with attracting women?”
Peter Ludlow rubbed his forehead, trying to get a grip on the situation. “Gentlemen, please. Can we change the subject? We have a serious issue and the last thing we need is to be at each other’s throats. Now, I’ve sPent the past three weeks concocting an idea which just might put us back on top of the pecking order pyramid! Gentlemen, tonight, before sPring break, we, the Delta Iota Kappas, shall host the social event of the season!”
Donald Gennaro GasPed. “You don’t mean…”
“Oh yes, Donald. We’re having a party! With…Music! And…Beer! And…Goody Bags!”
“Sweet.” Ben said. “We having it at Rat E. Cheezes?”
“No, you fool, we’re holding it right here.” Peter replied. “Rat E. Cheezes is for children. I called and checked. They say they don’t host college shindigs.”
“Peter, get a hold of your self!” Donald warned as he grabbed his frat brother by the sweater vest. “What about noise ordinances!? What about underage drinking laws!? We're not even 21 yet!”
“Oh, worry not Donald.” Peter reassured his friend. “The music shall be classical and kept at a reasonable volume and the beer shall be nonalcoholic. But the revelry…Oh that shall be an uninhibited orgy of lust and blithe! With condoms of course.”
“BUT CONDOM’S BREAK, DUDE!” Mark yelled from beneath a lampshade.
Peter rolled his eyes. “Take care, Mark. Lampshades have been known to cause cancer!”
“AAAAGH! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!” the poor young man screamed as he ran out the door, where coincidentally, John Hammond was entering with a wagon full of toddlers.
“What a loony lad that one is.” John said to Tim and Lex at his feet.
“Why uncle John! How pleasant of you to stop by.” Peter said helping his uncle to a large furnished chair. Henry, fetch this man some tea and Benjamin, take these children off his hands.”
“I thought you’d never ask!” Ben said.
“Sure I’ll bring some tea!” Wu said sarcastically. “You want me to remain three steps behind you at all times and dress like a geisha while I’m at it?”
“Oh very well.” Peter said with an exasPerated gasP. “Henry you fetch the children. Benjamin, bring the tea.”
“Drat.” Ben said snapping his fingers.
“I’ll have a green herbal.” said baby Eric. “Three drops of lemon. May God have mercy on your soul if I taste any more than three.”
“Now then uncle John, tell me what brings you to our humble adobe?” Peter asked batting his eyes.
“This eviction notice.” said the dean holding up an official looking document. “I’m afraid I have to kick you lads out of this building right now.”
There came a collective “Say Whaaaaaaaat!?” from the mouths of the frat brothers.
“But…why?” Peter asked.
“Because as of this moment, the addition of young Eric Kirby has caused the daycare center to become terribly overcrowded and rather than wasting perfectly good money to add an extra room I decided to give these children this terribly oversized and underused frat house.”
“But-but this is where we live!” Peter pleaded. “We were going to throw a party tonight of epic proportions!”
Upon hearing this, Hammond burst into hysterical laughter. “Oh my! Yes, I’m certain you were! Let me guess, you were going to play classical music and drink nonalcoholic beverages, am I right? Ha! You lads are so pathetic!”
“But where will we go!?” Peter asked. “What will we do!?”
“Frankly my dear nephew, I don’t give a--oh wait! I have an idea!”
Later…
“This place actually isn’t all that awful.” Peter said, surveying his new surroundings. Pink bunnies and yellow duckies aside, the former daycare was roomy and it smelled like candy. Dennis, Henry, Ben and Donald all looked at their alpha dog as if to imply he wasn’t being honest. “Oh alright, it is a freaking insult to whatever dignity we have left.”
“Well, I’d like to see you’re whisker get us out of this one.” Dennis said. “Ooh, is that Candyland?”
“Don’t eat the pieces this time!” Henry warned.
At that time in the Museum of Big Dead Things, Alan hurried inside through one of the back doors and put on his working shirt. He ran over to the garage where he found his boss impatiently waiting. Sir Atos Pitt was the first American museum curator to be knighted by the queen of England. Thus, he took great pride in his work and expected his employees to do the same. His mighty stature commanded the resPect of all in his presence, while his flowing brown tresses and piercing green eyes sent all the ladies into a swoon. “Alan, you’re 37 seconds late. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fire you now and hire that Horner kid in your place!”
“A thousand apologies my liege!” Alan said while falling to his knees. “On my way here, I overheard a blasPhemous individual sPeaking ill of you and I took it upon myself to desPose of him. That blasPhemous indivual, incidentally, was that no-nothing hack Jack Horner’s father. Were you to fire me now and replace me with him, Jack Horner would again disappoint you with his unpunctuality as he would be attending his late sire’s memorial service. And I would sooner die than see you upset over the same skirmish I have brought to you, but introduced by another!”
“Damn right you would!” agreed his godlike employer. “Now then, help those movers unload the new exhibit off of the truck. I must now go to the summit of Mt. Olympus, for only there can my magnificence truly be done justice by my surroundings.” And so, Sir Atos Pitt mounted his winged Unicorn and prepared to fly off into the heavens.
“Oh mighty one, before you leave, I must ask you what is this new exhibit?”
“I know not, young Alan of the Grants. But I do know that it has long been dead. And also that it must be big. For that is the only reason why it would have been brought here to my Museum of Big Dead Things. Fare thee well my young friend. Pokey! Away!”
And with that, the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth took to the sky. And he left without satisfying Alan’s curiosity. Alan, therefore went over to the truck where he found the movers having lunch. “Shouldn’t you guys be helping me move this large wooden crate into a showroom?”
“We’re on a union sanctioned lunch break, twerp.” said a mover. “Take it there yourself.”
Alan sighed. He loved his job but never got any resPect from anyone there. Never mind that Alan had a greater knowledge of the Earth’s animal history than anybody in the state. All anybody ever saw was some know it all college kid. He stepped into the truck and looked at the enormous wooden box. How would he move this all by his lonesome? Ah, what was this? A tag was sticking out from the top. Alan read the short but subtly creepy message.
From: Egypt
To: The Museum of Big Dead Things
Shibbyville, USA
PS: May God help you.
2 B Continued...
2/12/2004 11:01:58 PM
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