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Jurassic Krap the series: Episode 5 A New Hope
By sgd goin down
*Over at the Crazy Hills Mental Institution, John Hammond kneels beside his bed and prays… Or recites Metallica lyrics*
Hammond: No that I lie down to sleep, pray the lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, pray the lord my soul to -- *before the old man can finish, a fiery explosion burns a hole though his padded wall* TAKE!!!
*Hammond looks at the opening and sees the Crimson Carno on his Robo-dactyl hover into the room*
Crimson: FINISH IT!
Hammond: Exit light! Enter Night! Grain of Sand, We’re Off to Never Never Land!
Crimson: *lifts Hammond off his feet* Oh, we’re not off to Never Never Land. We’re going some place far worse.
*Two male nurses burst into the room to see what the commotion is all about. The last thing they expected to see was a reptilian monster kidnapping old Hammond on a Robotic pterosaur*
Crimson: Watermelons and cheese boys! You’ve been hanging around nut jobs too much! I recommend you take a nice long vacation!
*Crimson flies off into the night sky with John Hammond under his arm. The nurses look on in total confusion. They hear John Hammond yell*
Hammond: I Can Make A Teddy Bear Out Of My Own Poop!
Nurse 1: You, uh, wanna tie me up in a straight jacket?
Nurse 2: Only if you lock me in a padded room first, brother.
*Meanwhile, at the Oscars, the man-eating herd of Tricycloplotzes shows little signs of taking a break. Alan Grant, Lex Murphy, Kelly Malcolm and Billy Brennan are trapped on stage with The Rock, Jim Carrey and Britney sPears while carnage ensues all around them*
Jim: Alrighty then. They ripped J. Ro apart and they’ll probably do the same to us.
Britney: What are we gonna do, Rock?
Rock: Britney, Jim, the Rock says that the only way out of this situation is to lay the smack down on all their Saurian asses!
Jim: Rock, no offense, but I smell what you’re cookin’ and it stinks. You folks have any ideas?
Billy: I dunno. Say Alan, don’t you usually pack useful stuff in your hat?
Alan: Well, let me see… *Grant takes off his hat and pulls out a little canister of helium and a jar of pizza sauce* I’m afraid this is all I’ve got.
Rock: If you don’t mind the Rock’s asking, mister, why in the blue hell do you carry around a can of helium in your hat?
Alan: I do a pretty mean chipmunk impression.
Jim: *taking the helium* Balloons! Of course! Britney, say “ahh”.
Britney: Ahhh…Mph! *Jim Carrey sticks the nozzle into Britney’s mouth and releases the helium. Meanwhile, her breasts inflate to incredible proportions*
Billy: Yowza! She must be a double Z-cup now!
Lex: Suddenly, I’m feeling a bit insecure.
*Britney starts floating away. Jim and the Rock grab onto her legs and the three of them fly out through the sun roof*
Alan: Hey! What about us!?
Rock: Sorry, guys! The Rock doesn’t think that Britney sPears can go any lower without landing!
Jim: But the best of luck to ya!
*The three celebrities disappear into the night and leave behind the J-Krap gang. Alan, Billy, Lex and Kelly turn their attention back to the chaos around them. Crowds of humans squeeze through the exits while the herds of carnivorous Tricycloplotzes pick off random guests and lesser known celebrities*
Alan: Well, this doesn’t bode well for us.
Lex: What are we going to do, Dr. Grant?
Alan: I don’t know.
Billy: Then, who will save us in our darkest hour?
Kelly: Obi Wan Kenobi?
Lex: Look!
*A tremendous Tricycloplotzes is about to trample the terrified Olson twins, when sPitter-Man drops down behind them, picks them up in his arms and bounces back up into air over the angry Trike. He lands in the balcony and sets them both down*
Mary Kate: Wow, sPitter-Man! Thanks!
Ashley: Yeah, how can we ever repay you?
sPitter-Man: Just be sure to remember me when you turn 18, girls!
*sPitter-Man dives back down into the theater, landing in perfect form, in the middle of all the action. Meanwhile, on his way to BioSyn HQ, the Crimson Carno continues sPeaking to Wilton Fist via the communicator. Hammond crouches down behind him*
Crimson: So yeah, I’m going surfing this weekend…
Wilton: Hold on… *looks off screen* What!? Crimson! Come quickly! sPitter-Man has arrived! And he’s putting a stop to my Tricycloplotz army!
Crimson: Be there in a minute. I’d eat this old guy, but I’m saving him as a back up plan. Man, I haven’t eaten anybody all day.
Hammond: *offers him a chocolate bar* Hungry? Why Wait? Have a Snickers!
Crimson: *swipes it* Give me that! *consumes the whole thing, but sPits it out 2 seconds later* BLECHHH! Where did you get this piece of crap!?
Hammond: I made it myself!
Crimson: Out of--!? AAAAAGGGHHH!!!
*Over in L.A., Ian and Sarah are driving down the highway in their Toyota Matrix*
Ian: Hey, ah, look honey! I’m endorsing the Toyota Matrix! Just like, ah, Jeff Goldblum!
Sarah: Ok, but Ian? You really shouldn’t be driving with your sunglasses on.
Ian: What? Ah, honey, I never drive without my shades.
Sarah: It’s 9 O’clock at night, dear! It’s pretty dark out here.
Ian: Oh, what are you talking about? Look, ah, there’s the-the moon, all these street lights, that, ah, glowing radioactive Brachiosaurus floating over the skyline over there.
Sarah: Huh!? *Sarah looks out the window to see this flying behemoth* Oh my gosh, how is it flying!? Pull over!
*Ian pulls over and they step outside to get a better look. Sure enough, there’s an enormous green floating sauropod landing on top of building. One hundred feet tall and two hundred feet long, it’s skeleton can be seen through it’s hide which pulsates with an eerie glow*
Ian: Ah, wow. I don’t know what they’re selling, but I’m sure a, ah, billboard would be much cheaper. And it wouldn’t intoxicate the, the atmosPhere with radiation.
Sarah: Ian, that’s no ad! That’s a real nuclear Brachiosaurus!
Ian: And it’s, ah, only a baby. Well, a preteen… But, ah, It’s giving off so much radiation, it can actually cancel out gravity. Of course, ah, anything giving off that much radioactivity is likely to…
Sarah: Ian, if that radioactive sauropod explodes, it could take out the entire city!
Ian: In that case, we, ah, better get it off that skyscraper.
Sarah: Well, yeah, but how.
Ian: *whips out his Cel phone, dials a number* Ah, hello, Enrique? Ah, yeah, it’s Malcolm.
*Back at the Academy Awards, sPitter-Man has challenged the Alpha Tricycloplotz to a battle. The monstrous ceratopsian charges our hero head on, but the agile sPitter-Man hops over his head, bounces off his back and summersaults about 30ft behind the creature. When the Tricycloplotz turns back to face him, sPitty fires his acid sPray at the antagonist. Ah, but the Trike has very thick, and tough skin. The acid almost works, but the Tricycloplotz simply charges against the gushing venom and finally knocks sPitter-Man into the air. Grant and friends look on*
Billy: Whoa. This really doesn’t look to good for our buddy sPitter-Man. I hope he can stop that thing.
Kelly: Yeah. YOU CAN DO IT, SpITTER-MAN!
Lex: Guys? There’s like 20 Tricycloplotzes in here and he hasn’t even taken out the first one yet. The other 19 have just eaten Sam Neill, Alissandro Nivola, Ariana Richards and Vanessa Lee Chester.
Alan: Well good riddance to bad acting!
*sPitter-Man gets up off the ground and sees the Alpha Tricycloplotz about to charge him again*
sPitter-Man: Well, if acid doesn’t work, maybe I’ll just get him high! *sPitty sPrays his knock out gas bubbles which pop in the face of the Trike. The creature slows down, looks disoriented and finally collapses at the feet of our hero. He takes a moment to catch his breath, and looks around to see many more man-eating Tricycloplotzes on a rampage all around him* Oh man. This isn’t going to be easy.
Unseen voice: It’s about to get a lot harder, sPitter-Punk!
sPitter-Man: Huh? *Pow! sPitty gets hit in the face by a powerful unseen blow! But he knows darn well who it is* The Crimson Carno!
Crimson: *appearing out of thin air* Finally! Someone gets my name right! And, I gotta say, you know, I’m grateful for that. It almost makes me not want to kill you.
sPitter-Man: I don’t get it, Carno. I mean, I know your loser company is connected acts of terrorism, but what’s the point of this?
Crimson: Simple logic, really. You hijack a plane or blow up a building or something, civilians die, the world mourns for a couple of minutes and ultimately gets along just fine. But if we were to kill the biggest celebrities on Earth…
sPitter-Man: Sweet Pants! You’re going to kill off the gods of American pop culture!
Crimson: Sweet pants? N-no. The army of mutant dinosaurs is going to do that. I, on the other hand, will keep you occupied so that you can’t stop them. Not that you were doing a really good job of that before.
*Meanwhile, Alan, Lex, Kelly and Billy look on as the hero and villain circle each other*
Kelly: KICK HIS ASS, SpITTER-MAN!
Lex: Who’s that other guy?
Billy: Say, didn’t Tim say something about some crimson color changing dude who nearly killed him at BioSyn HQ? Which is, you know, right on the other side of this theater?
Alan: Oh yeah. But then we got all drunk and stuff, so I don’t remember much about it. Hey, where is Tim anyway?
*Crimson overhears them talk amidst all the insanity going on*
Crimson: You didn’t tell those people who you are, Tim?
sPitter-Man: Huh? How did you know… I mean, uh, what makes you think my name is Tim Murphy?
Crimson: I never said your last name was Murphy. Anyway, I’ve had enough talk. I’m sure you’ll get all the answers you need in Hell!
*With that, the Crimson Carno turns invisible and disappears from sPitty’s sight. Our hero looks all around him to find any signs of the invisible antagonist. Suddenly, Crimson’s powerful invisible hands grab sPitter-Man by the throat and strangle him. His multipurpose saliva disabled, sPitty struggles, kicks, punches and scratches his unseen assailant, but to no avail*
Crimson: *still invisible* Ha Ha Ha! You see, Timmy? You may be strong and fast, but I’m stronger! And without your little sPitting powers, you’re helpless. *grips the dilophosapien’s neck harder. sPitter-Man is losing consciousness, but he has enough energy to point over Crimson’s invisible shoulder. Knowing that some kind of trick would be pointless, Carno looks behind him. He sees a raging Tricycloplotz charge at him* Oh sh--
*The Trike slams into Crimson, causing him to drop sPitter-Man onto the floor, gasPing for breath. It runs away, thrashing it’s face trying to shake Crimson off while Alan and the gang look on*
Billy: I guess being invisible isn’t always so helpful.
Lex: Well don’t throw a parade just yet, Billy. We don‘t know if that monster is still alive or not.
Kelly: And sPitter-Man is just lying there, choking. We have to help him!
Alan: Don’t worry, ladies. I’ve got a plan. Billy…?
*The Tricycloplotz shakes it’s head vigorously trying to throw off the transParent creature on it’s face but it only angers him. Crimson holds on when a jar of pizza sauce breaks open on the back of his head. He growls in the direction where it from and sees Alan and the gang stand in fear. Alan points at sPitter-Man, who is still trying to get up*
Crimson: Alright, enough playing around! It’s time that I finish these little bastards once and for all!
*Crimson steps off the angry Trike’s face, plants his feet on the ground, lifts the mutant dino way up by the horns, and throws it at Grant and the gang who jump out of the way. He then turns his attention to sPitter-Man who lies on his side, breathing heavily. The invisible assassin runs at his next victim, taking a flying pounce into the air with unseen claws bared and ready to rip out some vital organs. Grant and Billy (who, if you recall is a freakin’ cyborg) get up to see the pizza sauce face of Crimson while he is up in the air*
Alan: Now, Billy!
Billy: PIKA! PIKA!
*A huge bolt of lightening explodes from Billy’s robotic arm and slams Crimson, who was only inches away from sPitty’s neck, onto the side of a support pillar. The shock cause him to lose control of his color coordination, and a bunch of kooky patterns pop up on his skin*
Kelly: sPitter-Man! Now’s your chance!
*sPitter-Man, on all fours, looks from Kelly to Crimson and fires his freeze dry sPit at him. The now visible Crimson Carno goes from being electrocuted to being encased in rock-hard saliva and stuck to support pillar*
sPitter-Man: It’s over now, Crimson! I’m not gonna let you hurt any more people!
Crimson: *head sticks out chuckles evilly* Why? Because your little cyborg pal zapped me with 500 volts of electricity and you’ve enclosed me in this black concrete?
Tim: Well, yeah. That and, Dr. Grant threw a jar of sauce at your head.
Alan: *yelling from behind* You owe me a jar of sauce, sPitter-Man!
Crimson: Please, I just stopped you from saving a couple of Baldwins and an Arquette. And the funniest thing is you didn’t think I saw this coming.
*sPitter-Man stands around for a couple of seconds, scratching his butt while Tricycloplotzes eat people in the background*
sPitter-Man: So, um… I didn’t get you, or… what?
Crimson: *sigh* I can’t believe you even did this well. ROBO-DACTYL! COME TO ME!
*Crimson’s Robo-dactyl flies down from the broken skylight with Hammond tied up in explosives*
Hammond: Walk your breakfast! Eat your dog!
Tim: Grandpa! *notices Grant and everybody watching* I mean, er, Lex’s Grandpa!
Crimson: Oh, do you two know each other? Well what a surprise! *breaks free of the freeze dried sPit like it was chocolate and hops onto the Robo-dactyl as it swoops by * In that case you have quite a dilemma. You can either stick around here and fight until one of these Tricycloplotzes kills you off OR you can rescue your crazy Grandfather from little old me!
Tim: Ix-nay, on the Andfather-Gray! Although, that does sound easier. Hmmm. I have to think about this…
*Meanwhile, at the airport, Amanda Kirby is on the plane going back to Ohio. She sits, writing in her journal, between a guy polishing his rifle and a nun strapped to dynamite. A flight attendant walks over*
Amanda: *writing* I can’t help but wonder, though, if I’m doing the right thing. I will miss Lex and Kelly, Dr. Grant, Billy, Roland and-- oh, be still my girlish heart-- sPitter-Man. Heck I even miss that mopy brother of Lex’s. What’s his name?
FA: Excuse me, miss? I’m afraid you’re going to have to put away that pen, since it may be used as a weapon.
Amanda: What? How?
FA: Well, you can stab somebody, poke somebody’s eye out, break through the plexiglass window…
Osama: *sitting in the next aisle* Whoa, whoa, slow dowm miss, I am trying to write this down.
T.T.: You can also drain the ink out of the pen which you are draining the ink from, and pour aforementioned ink into the drink of a passenger who will drink the ink!
FA: Yes! Very good. Anybody else?
Killer robot: *seated behind Amanda* One… can… force… his… or… her… person… in… to… the… cockpit… and… jam… the… pen… in… to… the… control… panel.
Amanda: Something tells me I should have picked a different airline.
Captain: *from cockpit* Uhh… Huh Huh, Hello? Uh, welcome to, uh, Burger World. Can I take your order somewhere? Uh Huh Huh Huh. I mean, uh, this is your captain sPeaking. Welcome to a flight to, uh, somewhere.
Co-pilot: Heh Heh, Thank you drive thru.
Captain: Shut up dumbass. Huh Huh. Uh, hey. Are there any chicks on this plane? Uh Huh Huh Huh. Hey Baby.
Co-Pilot: Heh Heh, yeah, yeah! Hot chicks. Heh Heh. Um, will all the hot chicks please report to the cockpit? Heh Heh mm Heh Heh Heh.
Captain: Uh, Huh Huh Huh Huh Huh, You said “cockpit”! Uh Huh Huh Huh Huh Uh Huh Huh
*Meanwhile, over at Roland Tembo’s pad, everybody favorite “Manly-Man” is sitting on the couch in his polka dotted boxers with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other*
Steve Irwin on TV: Now, I’m gonna castrate this Grizzly bear!
Roland: Good luck you bleedin’ Aussie. That’s a female bear. *changes channel*
Announcer: We are coming to you live from the outside the BioSyn Theater where the Academy awards have taken a terrible turn for the worse as a rampaging herd of mutant dinosaurs devour helpless celebrities and filthy commoners alike! *Roland turns up the volume, obviously interested* What’s that? Ok, we are now receiving live footage from inside the theater!
*Footage shows sPitter-Man standing around, deep in thought, while the Robodactyl hovers in place behind him with Hammond tightly wrapped. Crimson is nowhere in sight. Alan, Billy, Lex and Kelly sit around on the body of the Trike killed on stage earlier. In the background, it’s the same old Tricycloplotzes chasing people theme going on. A few seconds later, we hear a toilet flush and the Crimson Carno walks onscreen. He hops back up on the Robo-dactyl*
Crimson: So? You done thinking or what?
sPitter-Man: Aaaagh, I don‘t know what to do! I‘m so confused.
Hammond: Don’t save me! Save the Rainforest! Or else the mighty Tunisian polar bear will starve!
Crimson: Well, you see that plane? *points up to a plane 25,000 ft over the shattered skylight* That’s where I’m going to drop him from. You’re welcome to try and stop me if you want. *chuckles evilly and begins flying away*
sPitter-Man: Oh, man! What am I gonna do!? Is there nobody else here who could beat an army of mutant Tricycloplotzes to the ground?
*Without warning, but excellent timing, Roland Tembo pumps countless bullets into a Tricycloplotz with his M2HB .50-Calibur machine gun and kills the beast dead*
Roland: If you don’t mind, sPitter-bloke, I haven’t hunted anything in weeks!
sPitter-Man: Sweet! You take care of these things. I’ll save Hammond!
*And with that, sPitter-Man scurries up a support pillar, hops out through the skylight and runs up to the edge of the building where he can still see Crimson flying away. sPitty hocks up a stretch loogie which he grabs onto the Robo-dactyl with. He dangles from this long strand of rubbery sPit as the Robo-dactyl gains altitude. Crimson looks down to see his extra passenger swaying beneath him in the wind*
Crimson: So! We Have A Stowaway, Huh? Hey, sPitter-Man! I Hope You’re Not Afraid Of Heights!
*The Crimson Carno maneuvers his Robo-dactyl around the nose of the passenger plane. sPitter-Man, however slams onto the windshield of the plane like a bug*
Captain: Huh Huh. Check it out. It’s one of those, uh, Extra-testiculars. Huh huh.
Co-Pilot: Heh Heh, Yeah, yeah, Heh Heh. Take me to your tweeter! Heh Heh.
*Crimson lands the magnetic Robo-dactyl right over Amanda Kirby’s closed window which overlooks the left wing. She puts down her magazine for a moment because she can swear she heard something outside. She reaches over the psychotic nun sitting next to her and slowly opens the window and sees John Hammond’s face pressed against it*
Hammond: Creole Lady Mar-Ma-Laaaaaaade!
Nun: My Lord, is that you? I‘m coming!!!
*The nun runs off to the cockpit. Amanda looks back out and sees The Crimson Carno pushes away Hammond’s face. He winks at Amanda and walks further onto the wing, burying his toe claws into the hull. Crimson looks up to see sPitter-Man crawling on the top of the plane, trying desPerately not to get blown away*
Crimson: So! You Still Wanna Be A Hero, Eh? *grabs Hammond by the rope he’s tied in and flies him like a kite in the intense wind. He then kicks the 2nd engine so hard that it breaks off the wing and falls to the Earth below* Pop Quiz, Hot Shot! This Plane Is Flying At 300mph. One Of The Engines Just Broke Off. This Plane Has, Maybe 7 Minutes Before It Hit’s The Ground! Once It Hit’s The Ground, It Blows Up! What Do You Do?
sPitter-Man: Screw All These People! I Just Came To Save My Grandfather!
Crimson: Oh, Hell! *lets go of Hammond’s rope, causing the old man to fall into the clouds*
sPitter-Man: Nooooooo!!! *sPitter-Man suddenly gets an idea. He clambers onto the Robo-dactyl perched on the side of the plane. He’s about to start the controls when Crimson warns him*
Crimson: I’d Advise Against That, sPitty! Only My DNA Will Start It! You Try, And It Explodes! You Can’t Save Him No Matter What You Do, Kid! Nor Can You Save All These People! But Can You Really Abandon All Of Them To Save An Old Man That You Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Find Now? Of Course Not! This Is Why Only Fools Are Heroes!
*sPitter-Man realizes that Crimson is right. He can’t possibly save all these anybody in this position. So why should he even try to rescue a bunch of people? And total strangers at that? sPitty bends over and takes a look in the window beneath the perched Robo-dactyl. And he sees Amanda Kirby looking right back at him. He may not be able to here her, but he can read her lips. She says, “sPitter-Man, save us!” Meanwhile, back at BioSyn theater, Roland Tembo beats the crap out of one last Tricycloplotz*
Roland: There we are! All 19 Tricycloplotzes dead and accounted for.
Lex: But Mr. Tembo, there were 20 Tricycloplotzes.
Roland: Then where’s the last bugger?
Alan: *pointing behind Roland* Look out!
*Roland sPins around to see an ambushing Tricycloplotz stab him right through the chest and back with it’s right eye horn. It runs around with Roland Tembo impaled until a plane engine falls “mysteriously” through the ceiling and crushes the beast‘s body, leaving the head exposed. Mr. Tembo breaks the horn off and pulls it out, revealing a massive hole in his chest*
Roland: Oh, bloody Hell. That’s going to leave a mark.
Billy: Mr. Tembo, you oughtta go to the hosPital for that!
Roland: What, for this? It’s just a cut, Mr. Brennan. I’m not a little baby.
Kelly: I’ll say! You saved our lives!
Roland: Here now, who would be mean enough to sic mutant dinosaurs on all these nice guests and celebrities?
Wu: *walks over to the gang* Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry.
Alan: Wait. I know you! You were the head geneticist in John Hammond’s park all those years ago!
Wu: Yours truly. Yeah, I’m sort of like a modern day Dr. Frankenstein. I mean, I’ve got nothing personal against celebrities! Lord knows I’m a huge Barry Bostwick fan! I just like making monsters.
Lex: Wait, who’s Barry Bostwick?
Billy: He was the guy in that Pepsi commercial where Halle Berry changed to Barry Bostwick and this guy said “Who’s Barry Bostwick”
Wu: I know! Didn’t you just love that?
Billy: I certainly did!
Alan: Excuse me, Dr. Wu? We were talking about making these dinosaurs? Why did you do it?
Wu: Well, duh! It’s my job! I just make ‘em. If my boss wants to use them to enslave mankind, well then good for him.
Roland: So you’re saying that you’re boss, Wilton Fist, owner of BioSyn, is using mutant dinosaurs to enslave the human race!?
Wu: Yeah, but he’ll destroy some of it first. Like, tonight, He’s going to blow up a giant radioactive Brachiosaurus in L.A. and destroy the entire state.
*Everybody gasPs in shock, except for Grant*
Alan: Well, that blows. I’m going home. Good night everybody.
Roland: *stops Alan* Wait a tic. You mean to tell me that your not even going to try and stop him?
Billy: Yeah, come on man!
Alan: Look, Mr. Tembo, I’m no hero. I’m just an old fashioned guy who like to dig up old fashioned dinosaur bones. The last thing I’m interested in are mutant dinosaurs Hell-bent on killing me!
Roland: *knocks on Grant’s forehead* Hello? Earth to Dr. Grant? You won’t be digging up dinosaur bones after that Brachiosaurus explodes!
Alan: Well, sure I will. I have a bomb shelter and countless radiation suits at home.
Billy: Really. Hmm. Can I join you.
Roland: Yeah, actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.
Kelly: You have any radiation suits in a size 3?
Wu: Of course, when that dinosaur blows, he’ll actually sink the sunshine state, so that bomb shelter of yours really won’t do any good unless you’ve got some scuba gear, too.
Lex: Where exactly will Mr. Fist be when he detonates that Brachiosaurus?
Wu: Why in his hovercraft over Nevada, of course! It’s taking off 3 minutes.
Lex: Hey guys? Whaddya say we hijack his hovercraft and just stop him from blowing up the dinosaur?
Roland: Will it be heavily guarded and secured?
Wu: Nope. He gave every BioSyn employee the night off! Wasn’t that just super of him?
Alan: Not if he intends to blow them all up!
Wu: Oh yeah. I guess that does kind of put a damper on his act kindness.
Alan: Well, what are you waiting for? Get us on that hovercraft!
Wu: Sure thing! Come on, this way!
*Wu runs into a hidden passageway and is followed by the rest of the gang. Kelly runs up to him and inquires something*
Kelly: Hey, Dr. Wu? You seem like a nice enough guy. So why are you working for a big evil organization like BioSyn?
Wu: Because this Chino’s gettin’ paid!
Billy: I hear that, my brother!
*While all this went on, Ian and Sarah climb aboard Enrique Iglesias’ Fantastic Airship back in L.A. The airship looks like the one from the Mummy Returns. It‘s basically a 40 foot long fishing boat tethered to a hot air balloon, with bat-like mechanical wings on the sides, a propeller on the mast and a large exhaust funnel coming out of the stern*
Sarah: We have to try to lure this creature to a much higher altitude. When it explodes, at least it won’t be as catastrophic as anything at ground level.
Ian: Hey, ah, Enrique. I’ll, I’ll give you a little something extra if you, ah, get this floating dinosaur to follow us.
Enrique: I’ll get you close, my friend. But not too close, eh? You don’t want to be eaten!
Sarah: Don’t worry. Brachiosaurs are strictly herbivores. They--
Ian: Honey? Look. *Ian points to the Brachiosaur pulling it’s head out through a broken window, chewing squirming people in it’s mouth* It’s a, ah, radioactive mutant dinosaur. It eats whatever the Hell it wants.
*Back on the plane, the two idiot pilots begin to notice something is wrong with their plane*
Copilot: Heh Heh. This plane sucks.
Captain: Yeah. Let’s crash it. Uh Huh Huh Huh.
Copilot: Yeah! Yeah! Hmm, Yeah! Heh Heh. Let’s crash and burn this mother! Heh Heh.
Captain: Uh Huh Huh. Settle down, copilot. Huh Huh.
*Suddenly, the crazy nun runs into the cockpit*
Captain: Huh Huh. You said “cockpit”.
*Yeah, I guess I did. Sue me*
Nun: Captain! Captain! You must stop this plane! It is the word of the Lord!
Captain: Uh Huh Huh Huh. Hey, baby. Can I see your “cockpit”? Huh Huh.
Copilot: Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh, Hmm Hmm. Yeah, show us your “cockpit”!
Nun: No, I’m afraid you gentlemen don’t understand. I am in no mood for filthy sexual innuendos. I come bearing a message from--
Copilot: Hey, Captain, check it out, I think this chick is a terrorist. Heh Heh.
Captain: Uh Huh Huh. Really?
Copilot: Yeah, cuz, you know, terrorists don’t like to put out cuz it’s against their religion or something. Heh Heh. And she won’t shut up about her religion and, like, I think she’s wearing one of those turban thingies. Heh Heh.
Captain: Cool. Huh Huh. *makes announcement* Attention passengers. Uh Huh Huh Huh. We’ve, like, got a tourist. And she won’t put out so she’s gonna blow up the plane or something. Uh Huh Huh Huh.
Copilot: Heh Heh. Yeah! Yeah! *makes the sound of a plane blowing up* Heh Heh.
*All the passengers look at Osama and T.T.*
Osama: What!? She’s not one of mines!
Killer Robot: Wait…a…moment…weren’t…you…killed…by…the…U.S.…military…and…strung…up…in…Times…Square…yesterday…where…you…were…violently…beaten…with…sticks…?
Osama: No, no, that was just my clone. I cleverly escaped with the help of my little friend here.
T.T.: Yes! For I am called T.T.: The Taliban Terroristrial which is what I am called by people who call me T.T.: The Taliban Terroristrial! And it is I who have cloned my master so as to have fooled the US military into thinking that they have killed my master when in fact they killed a clone I created of my master whom I have cloned!
*Amanda, meanwhile continues looking out the window and sees the Crimson Carno grab sPitter-Man by the neck and whip the rest of his body on the wing*
Crimson: What‘s The Matter, Timmy? Getting Air Sick!?
sPitter-Man: *breaks free of Crimson’s grasP* No, I’m Just Getting Sick Of Your Voice! *knee’s Crimson in the groin*
Crimson: Ha Ha! Oh Please No! Now I’ll Never Get To Lay Any Eggs! Hah! *grabs sPitty’s leg* I’m Like A Brick House, sPitz! I’m Strong Enough To Survive Anything! *tosses him against the wind over to the other side of the plane where sPitty disappears from his sight* You, on the other hand, are just quick little loogie-hocker.
*Somewhere else in the sky, The Rock and Jim Carrey continue floating on Britney sPears’ massive breasts*
Rock: Hey Jim Carrey! The Rock can see his house from up here!
Jim: Don’t you live in Florida, my good friend?
Rock: Not anymore. The Rock is moving into these things!
*Over at BioSyn HQ, the massive Wilton Fist hauls the last crate of potato chips into his Hovercraft. He then goes to sit at the control panel*
Wilton: That was the heaviest crate of potato chips ever! But that doesn’t matter now. For I shall be snacking on them in sweet Las Vegas once I blow up California! MWA Ha Ha Ha Ha! *The hovercraft, which looks like and is roughly the size of a motor home, takes off from it’s hangar on top of the building. Wilton drinks his Pringles potato chips from the container* Nobody can stop me now!
Alan: *pops out of the potato chips crate with the rest of the gang* Think again, Mr. Fist! He’ll stop you… *points to Roland Tembo*
Roland: Squeal, Piggie!
*Roland pulls out his M2HB .50-Calibur machine gun and pumps Wilton Fist full of lead! And then, all the bullets fall back out*
Wilton: Please. I have an extra dermal layer. Now, how did you people find me!?
Wu: *appears from behind Billy* Right, that would be my fault. Sorries!
Wilton: Damn it Wu, I knew I should have killed you! You were always just too nice to be in my evil organization!
Wu: Oh, no I’m not! Listen at this. Hey, boss, you’re… kind of fat.
Roland: Blimey, that was rather sad.
Wu: Hey, keep your comments to yourself Cue ball, or I’m going to to kick your… rump.
Kelly: Uh huh, I’m gonna go with Mr. Tembo on this one.
Wilton: I don’t have time for this. *Wilton pushes a button and the gang is suddenly surrounded by steel bars* There. Let’s see you try to stop me now! Ha Ha!
Billy: We’re trapped!
Roland: Maybe not. Grrr! *struggles to bend the steel bars* Right then. We’re trapped.
*Back in L.A., Ian, Sarah and Enrique Iglesias try in vain to lure the floating Brachiosaur off the tower. But the sauropod barely even notices them*
Sarah: Ugh! This is hopeless. How will we get that stupid dinosaur to move?
Ian: Well, ah, maybe we should try thinking about what would make the radioactive Brachiosaur going.
Sarah: Come on. What the hell does a pubescent male dinosaur want?
Ian: What does any pubescent male want?
*Sarah flashes back to that drunken scene at the bar earlier today. She remembers Billy screaming, “Show Us Your Boobs!” At that moment, a light bulb goes off in her head. She picks up her shirt and flashes the dinosaur. It looks over, and turns away, uninterested*
Sarah: Oh come on!
Ian: Sorry, honey. I guess they’re just too small.
Sarah: *elbows her husband in the stomach* Shut up! It’s not my fault I don’t have bib, Brachiosaurus sized breasts like, uh…
Enrique: Britney sPears!
Sarah: Oh please, Britney sPears’ rack is more overrated than Jennifer Lopez’s ass.
Enrique: No, no, mi amiga, I mean it’s Britney sPears! She’s right there!
*Enrique points to Britney, Jim and the Rock. All of them floating on the former’s helium inflated bozoms*
Ian: Ah, ok. I don’t care if she is a growing woman, there’s, ah, no way she can say that those are real.
Rock: *floating over* She better not! If Britney sPears says a word, these jugs of milk will deflate and we’ll all crash down to the Earth below.
Jim: And that would certainly ruin my evening!
Britney: *muffling* Mm-Hmm!
Sarah: Hey, look. The Brachiosaurus is enamored with those gigantic knockers!
Ian: Hey, yeah. Yeah! Let’s ah, tie up Britney inside!
*Jim Carrey and The Rock hop into the airship and help Ian put her on disPlay. The intrigued dinosaur steps off it’s loft and takes to the air*
Sarah: Uh-oh. Enrique! Get us as high up as you can! And hurry!
Enrique: Hey, you got it jefe! With those things on board, we can gain altitude twice as fast!
*The dirigible rises accordingly and the biohazardous Brachiosaur follows*
Sarah: See if you can get us to a less populated area.
Jim: Something tells me that wherever those things go, people will follow…
*Not too far away in the sky, the worst airplane in the world was still airborne, desPite having one of it’s engines broken off. It was now at about 40,00 feet, but was still losing altitude. And the Crimson Carno had crossed to the other wing to see if anything remained of sPitter-Man. But, alas, our hero was nowhere in sight. It was obvious to our villain that sPitter-Man was lost in the wind. He smiled grimly and decided to finish his job and take out the rest of the engines. So he climbed onto the wing to finish business. But before he did, he figured he would look to see who was looking out the window on this side of the plane. But to his horror, he learned it was…*
Crimson: Osama! T.T.! What Are You Two Doing On This Plane!?
*But Osama and T.T. weren’t even looking outside. They were contently reading on flight magazines. Crimson was horrified to learn that he was about to kill one of the men that he most admired. Suddenly, he heard the disembodied voice of…*
sPitter-Man: Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!
Crimson: What The-!? Where Are You!?
sPitter-Man: You’re Destroying The Plane One Of Your Bosses Is Flying On! If You Let Him Die, You’ll Be An Unemployed Monster! There Is No Way You Can Save Him! What Do You Do!?
Crimson: Where The Hell Are You!?
sPitter-Man: Answer; Look Down!
*The Crimson Carno looks down to his feet. Suddenly, sPitter-Man’s fist bursts through the wing, and pulls Crimson’s foot down through the hole it made. In the moment of confusion, Crimson winds up with his left leg all the way through the wing. Before he can pull it back out, sPitter-Man pops up from under the front of the wing and and delivers a mighty kick to Crimson’s head. His action is faster than usual, because of the added force of great winds blowing against the wing. And yet, with his power of accelerated consciousness, it seemed quite slow in his mind. sPitty then crawls to the base of the wing and heads for the front of the plane. Crimson’s rage has reached it‘s boiling point and the monster climbs out of the wing, turns invisible and crawls after our hero*
Crimson: I DON’T CARE WHO’S ON THIS PLANE ANYMORE, TIM MURPHY! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IF I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF, BIN LADEN AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS DAMNED AIRCRAFT!
*sPitter-Man is near the front of the plane now, but he looks behind him and hears Crimson’s screaming voice getting closer. But while the Crimson Carno may be pretty well hidden from sight, he’s not entirely undetectable*
sPitter-Man: Hey, Dodgson! What Good Is Becoming Invisible When You Leave Footprints!? *the invisible monster notices the deep claw prints he’s leaving in the plane’s hull* And The Funniest Thing Is, You Didn’t Think I Saw This Coming!
*sPitter-Man fires a surge of his lubricant sPit all over Crimson’s body, making him somewhat visible, but he just digs his claws deeper into the hull. This doesn’t seem to be working, though. Crimson continues moving ahead. SPitty finishes sPraying lubricant, and begins to sPray his adhesive sPit. But the strength of the infuriated Crimson Carno is more potent than even the tar-like substance our hero spews. If anything, it gives him back his grip. And now Crimson is only 10 feet away. sPitty only has enough time for maybe one more try. And while it’s risky, he uses his acid sPit. The substance slowly burns his enemy’s nearly impervious hide and face, but not enough to stop him. Only enough to enrage him to an extreme never before known by man. On top of that, it burns through the hull and into the fuselage*
Crimson: YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, DO YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!? AFTER ALL THAT’S HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT, YOU STILL DON’T GET IT!!! I’M UNSTOPPABLE!!! NOT ONLY AM I UNBELIEVABLY STRONG, BUT MY BODY CAN HEAL FROM JUST ABOUT ANYTHING!!! SpIT ALL THE ACID YOU WANT, I’LL REGROW EVERYTHING I LOST AND KILL YOU!!! WHEN THIS PLANE CRASHES, IT’LL BLOW UP WITH ME ON IT AND I’LL STILL SURVIVE!!! THEN, I’LL GO AFTER ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND KILL THEM TOO!!! DO YOU KNOW WHY, THAT IS SpITTER-MAN!? IT’S BECAUSE I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT!!! IT’S BECAUSE I AM A GOD!!!
sPitter-Man: Nah, You’re Just Garbage That Won’t Shut Up, And Guess What? I’m Taking You Out! *sPitter-Man expands his frill, which catches the strong wind pushing against the plane, and lunges at the hideous abomination before him. The incredible force of his body, combined with the wind pushing him, finally slams the Crimson Carno off the plane and they both go flying towards the wing* Let’s See You Heal From This!
*sPitter-Man forces the Crimson Carno’s body into the engine as he lets go and continues flying. The engine blows up with the terrible creature that used to be Lewis Dodgson inside. But sPitter-Man grabs on to the tail of the plane instead of being hurled into the great blue sky. He presses his body to the hull while debris flies past him. Most of it does, but the Crimson Carno’s blood sPlatters onto his body. Back on the hovercraft, Wilton Fist was having some map trouble and was apparently lost. Alan, Billy, Roland, Lex, Kelly and Wu were still trapped on board by the steel bars surrounding them*
Alan: Well so much for saving the world.
Lex: Or just southern California for that matter.
Wilton: Silence back there! I’m trying to read this confounded map! Now if I could just--
*Suddenly, the windshield shatters! Nick Van Owen bursts through the glass with his trusty jetpack and punches Wilton Fist in the chin! But the enormous man just grabs him by the neck and takes a good look at his face*
Wilton: *stammers* Nick Van Owen!
Alan: Hey Nick! Good to see ya!
Roland: Aye! We thought you were dead!
Nick: *gag* I was… *kicks Wilton in the throat*
Lex: So, what are you doing alive?
*Wilton slams Nick Van Owen onto the control panel. The hovercraft sPins and tilts alot*
Nick: Tell you later! Aaagh!
*Billy gets a weird look in his robotic eye, like he’s learning to do something. Without much warning, a powerful laser shoots from his eye, between the bars and cuts through the floor Wilton is standing on. The enormous man’s weight pulls him through the floor and he drops down to the Earth thousands of feet below*
Lex: Billy, that was amazing! *she kisses him*
Billy: Oh, heh, well, you know…
*Nick gets up from the controls and rubs his neck*
Roland: Hey Nick! Check if there’s a button that will release us from these bars! *suddenly, the bars remove themselves* Good job! Thanks.
Nick: I didn’t press anything. Wilton crushed these controls when he was strangling me.
Wu: Well. I guess we’re gonna crash, then.
Nick: You!
Kelly: It’s alright, he’s cool.
Billy: Yeah, Wu is one of us, now. But what are we gonna do?
*Thud! Something landed on the roof of the hovercraft. The gang inside hears too familiar voices outside*
Ellie: Get off me, you old bastard!
Hammond: I love monkeys!
Alan: Oh no. The last two people we need. And how’d they get up there.
Nick: Let me check. *Nick flies out through the broken windshield and sees sees John Hammond clinging to Ellie Degler who is wearing a parachute* Hey, can I see that chute?
Ellie: Please! I’ve floating in the updrafts all day on this thing! Then this old bastard, John Hammond landed on me from out of nowhere!
Hammond: I got thrown off a plane! Whoopie!
Nick: *wrapping up the parachute and taking it from Ellie* That’s great. Come on inside.
*Nick climbs in through windshield and down the control panel. John Hammond steps in next. Ellie is about to step through when she sees Alan Grant inside*
Alan: Uh-oh.
Ellie: You! *she jumps inside, over the control panel, growling, but fails to notice the rather large hole Wilton Fist fell through. As a result, she falls out as well* DAMN YOU, ALAN GRAAAAAAAAaaaaaannnnttt…
Nick: Wow. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken this parachute from her.
Billy: Yeah, we have our own problems now. Like, how do we get out of this thing?
Wu: Hmm. Well this is a pickle! Maybe we can contact help with the video phone!
Nick: Sorry, Wu. It looks like those controls have been damaged too.
Lex: *aggravated* Move! *Our resident techno-genius gets to fixing the controls*
*Meanwhile, sPitter-Man punched a hole through the fuselage his acid burned earlier and step into the plane while the air sucks everything out*
sPitter-Man: Everybody, I’m really sorry about this, but this plane is about to crash!
FA: Yeah, we know. That’s why we call ourselves Good Riddance Airlines. We take really annoying, suicidal and evil people on this plane and crash it to the ground!
Amanda: Wait! You mean this plane isn’t going to Ohio?
FA: Why, no Miss, I‘m afraid you got on the wrong plane. Either that or somebody tricked you into flying with us because they found you revolting!
Amanda: But, I booked this flight! I’m not suicidal or anything!
FA: Oops. I guess there must have been some mix up then!
sPitter-Man: So, wait a minute, if I don’t save all these people, I won’t be resPonsible for all their deaths?
FA: No, all the people on this plane are supposed to die.
sPitter-Man: Hey, cool. My conscience is clean then! I just have to rescue Ms. Kirby, then!
Amanda: sPitter-Man, wait! What if there’s somebody else on this plane who isn’t supposed to die?
sPitter-Man: Alright, alright then. Hey! Everybody! Who over here isn’t supposed to die?
Osama: I’m not supposed to die!
T.T.: Me neither!
sPitter-Man: Yes you are!
T.T.: Oh no, we are not supposed to die on a plane on a plane which will cause our demise!
sPitter-Man: Screw you guys. C’mon, Mrs. Kirby.
Osama: Oh No, no, no, oh no, please no!
Captain: *announces* Uh Huh Huh Huh. Attention, passengers. Uh, we’re gonna be dying ahead of schedule this evening. Uh Huh Huh Huh.
Copilot: Yeah, yeah. Heh Heh Heh. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
*The pilots start voicing guitar riffs*
sPitter-Man: Ok, then. That would be our cue to leave.
Amanda: Enjoy the rest of your flight, everybody!
T.T.: Oh no! We are going to be blown up on this plane which is going to blow up with us on it! What wil we do, master!?
Osama: Well, I tell you what we’re not going to do. We are never purchasing airline tickets from the dirtcheaptickets.com again!
*sPitter-Man grabs Amanda and climb out through the hole in the plane vacuuming stuff out. He crawls on the hull to the other side of the plane, towards the Robo-dactyl. But before he reaches it, Amanda gets his attention*
Amanda: Hey, sPitter-Man! What’s That?
*sPitty looks at what Amanda refers to and he can barely believe his eyes. Off in the distance he sees a glowing, green sPeck which almost resembles a flying Brachiosaurus*
sPitter-Man: I don’t know, Ms. Kirby, but something tells me we better check it out!
*sPitter-Man climbs onto the Robo-dactyl with Amanda Kirby clinging to his back. He rubs as much of Crimson’s blood on the palm of his hand as he can. He then presses it against the little scanner which starts the machine*
sPitter-Man: I hope this works.
*The computer scans his bloody hand*
Robo-Dactyl: DNA…scan…confirmed…All…systems…activated.
*sPitter-Man and Amanda take off on the Robo-dactyl, and sPeed ahead of the plane going nearly 400mph. The screen activates, suddenly, and Lex’s face face pops up*
sPitter-Man: Lex!? I Mean, Er, Lex Murphy?
Lex: sPitter-Man!? Where are you?
*Wu pops up on screen behind Lex*
Wu: Hey, sPitter-Man, what are you doing on the Crimson Carno’s ride? He’s gonna kill you! Unless… wait, Crimson is that you?
*Amanda looks over from behind sPitter-Man*
Amanda: No, It’s sPitter-Man.
sPitter-Man: Yeah, I Don’t Think You Guys Will Have To Worry About That Crimson Guy Anymore…
Lex: Listen, sPitter-Man. We’re trapped on a hovercraft flying around somewhere near a, uh, gigantic glowing dinosaur flying around…
sPitter-Man: Yeah, I’m Flying That Way Right Now!
Lex: Well, I hate to ask this, but do you have enough room on whatever you’re flying for 8 more people?
sPitter-Man: What!? 8 People!? I’m Sorry Lex, There’s No Way This Thing Can Hold 8 Extra People!
Nick: Wait, I’ve got a jetpack. What about just 7 extra people on that thing?
sPitter-Man: Now 7 Extra People, On The Other Hand, Is Doable!
Amanda: But How Will They All Fit?
Nick: Leave That To Me!
sPitter-Man: Well, by all means-- Hey! Wait A Minute! You’re Nick Van Owen! But I Heard You Were Dead!
*Moments later, we see Alan, Billy, Lex, Kelly, Roland, Wu and Hammond dangling from the hovercraft inside Ellie’s parachute. sPitter-Man swoops over on the Robo-dactyl and grabs them. Nick flies out of the hovercraft afterwards. Everybody takes a look at the enormous radioactive Brachiosaurus floating by*
Roland: What the bloody Hell is that thing?
Alan: *tiredly* What does it look like? It’s a floating radioactive Brachiosaurus.
Kelly: But how is this possible?
Alan: Has anything in the last 48 hours made sense?
*Meanwhile, Nick Van Owen flies up to sPitter-Man*
Nick: So who are you, anyway?
sPitter-Man: I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am whatever you say I am! I am the very model of a modern major general! I’m that star up in the sky! I’m that mountain peak up high! I Am sPitter-Man!
Nick: Oh really? Well I have a jetpack!
sPitter-Man: Alright, now you tell me. Who exactly are you?
Nick: I’m Nick Van Owen. See, before I died, I cloned myself a body in the lab I was hiding Lewis Dodgson, AKA The Crimson Carnoratosaurus!
sPitter-Man: He had it shortened to just Crimson Carno.
Nick: Oh good. That was kind of a mouthful. Anyhoo, when he killed me, I went to Hell where I challenged Satan to a Pokemon card match and won. And since I cloned a perfectly good soulless body back on Earth, I was able to come back up here. When I got resurrected, I noticed how busy the lab was, so I unplugged the resPirator of a sPykosaurus floating in a tank. It went wild and caused a good enough diversion for me to escape. Unfortunately, though, it broke out of the building and caused chaos on the streets…
Ian: *from Enrique’s airship, not too far away* Ahoy There! Ah, Did Somebody Say Chaos?
Kelly: *from the parachute* Daddy!
Rock: *from Enrique’s airship* Hey, you Jabronies wanna catch a ride with us?
Alan: *from the parachute* I should say so! You jerks still owe me for that helium!
*And so, Alan, Billy, Lex, Kelly, Roland, Wu, Amanda, sPitter-Man and Nick board onto Enrique Iglesias’ airship which also carries Ian, Sarah, The Rock, Jim Carrey and Britney sPears. Lex looks at the Brachiosaur with great fascination*
Lex: Awww, C’mere, girl!
*Lex reaches out her hand to the creature. Instead of letting her touch it, the Brachiosaurus sneezes radioactive snot on her*
sPitter-Man: God Bless You!
Jim: So, how’d you guys wind up out here?
Billy: We flew up here in that crazy hovercraft sPinning out of control over there.
*Billy points to the loopy craft hovering about like a balloon expelling the air inside*
sPitter-Man: And we flew over here from this terrible airplane--
Amanda: --that’s Heading This Way!
*Everybody looks to the back of the airship where they see an airplane heading straight for the glowing Brachiosaur who is also awfully close to that zany hovercraft*
Sarah: Oh No! When the plane, the hovercraft and the radioactive Brachiosaurus collide, they’ll create a gigantic explosion!
Ian: Well, according to my, ah, calculations, at least we’re high enough so that the blast won’t affect anything on the ground. Not that that’ll do us any good.
Rock: Hey, Enrique. How fast can you get us to the ground?
Enrique: Not fast enough to escape the explosion, Senor Rock. Unless we just pop the balloon and plummet.
sPitter-Man: Then do it! I’ve got a plan!
Billy: Well, you’re the boss.
*Billy’s eye laser pops the balloon carrying the airship. And yet, they’re all still floating. Everybody looks baffled for a moment and then turn their attention to Britney sPears, whose helium inflated jugs are still lifting the craft*
Jim: Sweetums, you can breath now.
Britney: *pulls the cork out of her mouth* THANK GOD, Y’ALL! I WAS GETTING DIZZY!
*Her breasts deflate as she sPeaks, and the airship plunges to Earth at the sPeed of gravity! sPitter-Man climbs down the hull to the bottom of the ship. He takes a deep breath and blows large adhesive bubbles which stick to the bottom of the ship. He climbs back up the hull and hops inside the falling ship everybody looks up to see a fantastic green explosion that they can just barely feel. And when the ship hits the ground somewhere in the desert, it softly lands on the bouncy bubbles which all pop after a few moments of impact. And thus, everybody landed safely*
Alan: I’m alive! Oh thank God! I’m Alive!
sPitter-Man: Well folks, it looks like my work here is done. Farewell.
*sPitty hops out over the edge of the ship. Amanda runs over*
Amanda: Wait, sPitter-Man! How can we ever thank… *she looks out and sees that sPitter-Man has disappeared into the desert already* you…
Britney: SO, WHO ARE Y’ALL GUYS, ANYWAY?
Nick: *seductively* We, Miss sPears, are just a random group of people who fate seems to throw into various dinosaur themed misadventures.
Britney: YOU‘RE CUTE! *Jumps onto Nick Van Owen, and starts ferociously making out with him*
Roland: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you chaps, but I found this evening rather tame.
Hammond: My Hair Hurts!
Alan: Well, the important thing is that I’m alive. And, uh, the rest of you are fine, too.
Kelly: Yeah, but we’re stranded in the desert where nobody can find us.
Tim: *hops into the ship wearing an outfit made out of the balloon material* I wouldn’t say nobody.
Lex: Timmy! What the Hell are you doing here?
Tim: I’m just out for a walk.
Sarah: In the desert at night wearing an outfit made from the material of this balloon?
Tim: No, I was, uh… naked. Yeah, I was out for a naked walk in the and I just, uh, came across your airship so I made myself a little suit. So, how did you guys wind up out here?
Ian: Ha Ha, Ah, Tim. You’re just like Peter Parker. You never show up until the craziness is over and the superhero leaves!
Tim: Oh really? So I take it I missed some excitement, eh?
Billy: Oh, where do we begin! These mutant Tricycloplotzes ran amok at the Oscars and killed a bunch of people, until sPitter-Man and Roland here saved us! And the Crimson monster guy came and kidnapped you’re grandfather and flew away with him!
Amanda: But sPitter-Man stopped him on the airplane I was flying by throwing him into the engine, and he pulled me out before it crashed into the gigantic glowing dinosaur in the sky!
Tim: Wow, that sPitter-Man sure sounds like one hell of a guy!
Wu: Oh, he was simply a dream!
Amanda: You can say that again.
Billy: Oh yeah, and we got trapped on Wilton Fists hovercraft, when Nick Van Owen, who came back to life, rescued us!
Ian: Hey, ah, by the way, Nick, what’s Satan like?
Nick: *stops making out with Britney* He looks like Forest Whitaker, except skinny and Caucasian. *continues*
Kelly: Oh yeah. And That radioactive Brachiosaurus sneezed on Lex!
Lex: I should really know better by now.
Tim: Wow. Sneezed on by a radioactive dinosaur, Lex? Maybe you’ll get superpowers now!
Lex: Hmm. Maybe you’re right. Here, let me try something… ENUC CHUK!
*Lex falls back and suddenly grows into a 90 foot tall, well proportioned and really hot girl who winds up sitting on everybody*
Jim: *muffled* Can I die now? My life just peaked!
*Not too far away, amid the flaming wreckage of what was once a plane engine, the Crimson Carno stands up on his feet, shaking. All of his bones are fractured and broken, one of his eyes is missing, and most of his hide has been burned and shredded off. He barely survived his ordeal, but he is still alive, nevertheless*
Crimson: *weakly* I’ll… get you… sPit…sPitter…Man…. If it’s…the…last…thing I--
*Crash! Wilton Fist’s big fat body finally hit’s the ground and smashes his surly employee. But the story hasn’t ended just yet, my friends. Because at that time, in Mexico, Paul and Eric, er, I mean, Pablo and Ricardo Kirbyez have dug an escape tunnel from their prison*
Ricardo: Is it just me, or did nothing this story make sense? Everybody exposed to radioactive dinosaurs gets superpowers? Why the hell don’t they get poisoned? It’s radio-freakin’-activity! And why the hell is BioSyn linked with the Taliban? Why is sPitter-Man flirting with Mom, who’s like 34? And how exactly did Wilton Fist land after the guys in the blimp when he fell, like 6 minutes before them?
Pablo: *continues digging* Ricardo my son, you’re missing the point. And the point is, that the raptors really weren’t all that bad. Just misunderstood. Misunderstood like the mighty penguin. Who rules the 7 seas with a diamond fist and a heart of coal. But should anybody disturb the penguins slumber, they will be buried. AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH’S CRUST! *his shovel breaks through a wall* Hey, I think we’re finally out of here!
Ricardo: Dad, just what in the hell are you talking about? What Penguins? And while we’re on topic, whatever happened to the raptors?
Pablo: They went back to the islands. *Pablo smashes his shovel through the wall of a cave, and scorpions sPill out all over them* Oops! I guess we wound up in a scorpion cave!
Ricardo: I HATE YOU, DAD!
*And finally, over in Barbados, the raptors lounge by the pool at night listening to Salsa music*
Velimeyraptor: Well what islands were you expecting?
THE END
10/7/2002 2:09:49 PM
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