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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter XV
By fordprefect
Chapter Fifteen
[Recap: The S-Men make a stand in JP3 Chat awaiting the impending battle. RaptorVinny500, Carna, and Paleeoguy escape their confinement and are loose in the fortress of SGD. Aragorn and JPJunkee come to their differences over JPJunkee’s acts of terrorism and they separate violently. Dan, Crow and Mithrandir find a secret passage into Fan Art.]
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“What do you mean "they just weren't here?" Don't say that to me, Rick Arnold! Don't say that to me again!”
SGD was furious. He stared at the empty shackles on the wall before him.
“But sir! They weren’t! He isn’t!”
“ I can see that Arnold! You think I’m blind? Is that what you’re saying? Am I blind? Arnold?”
“No sir,”
SGD lifted the raided weapons drawer and dropped it unceremoniously on Ben’s head, who slumped to the floor giggling wheezily. SGD started yelling.
“Lord, It’s a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind! Nothin’ left but some damn rocks on the windowsill and that cupcake on the wall! Let’s ask her! Maybe she knows! What say there, Fuzzy Britches? Feel like talking? Guess not. Why should you be different?”
SGD looked around at the two moderators and the crowd of guards that had appeared. This perplexed SGD since he had hired no staff. Veins popping with anger, SGD picked up a handful of rocks and started throwing them at the wall one at a time.
“It’s a CONSPIRACY! THAT’S WHAT THIS IS! IT’S ONE BIG DAMN CONSPIRACY! AND EVERYONE’S IN ON IT! INCLUDING HER!”
The guards wondered briefly who SGD was talking about before SGD suddenly flung a rock at Ben. It passed right through his head.
There was silence. A pin dropped somewhere in the distance. It was later picked up by someone and turned out to be the pin number of a wealthy man from about.com, who months later was dismayed to find his bank drained.
“Dude, wtf, are you a ghost?”
Ben shook his head forcefully. This turned out to be a bad idea, since his face fell out of the hole in his head. Ben picked up his skull, or what looked to be a hollowed out walnut shell, and stuffed it back in his head.
“All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in.”
SGD, with a slightly worried look on his face, decided to ignore Ben for the mean time.
“The three of them were in the cell before you left. Stands to reason they’d still be here now! I want them found! Not tomorrow, not after breakfast! Now!”
Running aimlessly was not in the job description for Wizard. ‘See the world’ they said. Not run for what seemed like forever down a maze of corridors trying to get out of the most dangerous place on the site.
Nevertheless, that is exactly what Carna, RaptorVinny500 and Paleeoguy were doing. Or trying to do. Paleeoguy was too short and fat to do much running, so they had temporarily transfigured him into a bicycle and were carrying him. It never occurred to any of them to ride the bicycle.
“ Did we lose ‘em?” panted RaptorVinny500, looking back.
“ Don’t be a fool. Within three minutes this entire building will be crawling with guards searching for us,” They quickly walked into a room. Rubbing their noses, and cursing that they hadn't seen it, they walked past it. The sound of footsteps could be clearly heard scurrying towards them. They were gaining.
Carna had no other options. He materialized three Minis and they got in and sped down the corridor. Rick Arnold skidded to a halt and coughed in the dust of the Minis. He wondered briefly where the hell his motorbike was, but then realized he didn’t care. He got into a conveniently placed Italian Police car and got into the pursuit of the wizards. He was oddly confused when This is a self preservation society started blaring from all over the building. Nevertheless, the chase was on. Carna screeched around a corner and rocketed down a sidewalk; several pedestrians jumped out the way, and he unfortunately crashed through the outdoor seating of a restaurant and a small vendor’s store. Rick Arnold passed these too and made a mental note to ask where the sidewalk came from, and why such obvious props for car crashes were placed on them. A pedestrian suddenly wandered into the path of Rick’s car, but leapt clear. Rick Arnold swore loudly and had to swerve in order to hit him. He wiped his brow and closed his eyes in bliss.
This may have proven to be the factor in why he drove straight through the wall and out into the grounds in a hail of bricks and expendable guards. The Car burst into flames. Rick climbed out the driver’s window and threw his hat down on the ground in disgust (This seemed an appropriate thing to do at the time, although Rick did not know why he did it. Eventually, years later when he was recounting his story, he would claim the hat slipped off his head, but this is widely believed to be a fictitious addition). He was rewarded with a brick to the head, and was instantly knocked unconscious.
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With the coming of the Spammer War, many eyes in imprisoned Latest News turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the Message Board. JP3 Chat became the great embarkation point. But, not everybody could get to JP3 Chat directly, and so a tortuous, roundabout refugee trail sprang up - Links to JP3 FAQ... across the plains to You Review JP3... then by train, or auto, or port across the rim of Africa, to JP Facts in Dan’s JP3 Page. Here, the fortunate ones through money, or influence, or luck, might obtain exit visas and scurry JP3 Chat; and from JP3 Chat, to the New World. But the others wait in JP Facts... and wait... and wait... and wait.
The S-Men were busy preparing for war. They had equipped all the members behind the wall of JP3 Chat with pistols and shields and were themselves finding good spawn camping points to snipe from. There was a sharp knock at the door.
“ AGRHAEAERHGARGAR,” Roared Dac, asking someone to open the door since he had no opposable thumbs. His dragon form was becoming tedious and he snorted his disgust, setting fire to a small hut in the process.
Snake-Mark went to open the door. “ Who is it?”
“ The Spammer Army. We’ve come to pillage your livestock and destroy your families.”
“What?” yelped Snake-Mark spotting the vast thousands of spammers before him.
“…er…I mean...we’re here to check the gas bill,” nodded the spammer quickly.
He thrust an inflatable duck into the spammers hands and closed the door. Seth Rex came up behind him.
“ Who was that?”
“ Spammer Army.”
“ WHAT!?” Seth’s eyes became wide with fear, and to a lesser extent some animé ink he had accidentally dropped in his eyes. “ PREPARE THE CITY FOR BATTLE!”
The city broke into a hive of commotion and noise. Suddenly, the members formed a huge queue in front of Drucifer67 and a cauldron. Wondering what the delay was about, and embarrassed to keep the spammers waiting, Seth Rex tapped him on the shoulder.
“…er…Drucifer67…what? What are you doing? What’s in the cauldron?”
Drucifer67 stared at him as though he had said something ridiculous. “Why, it’s Magic Potion that gives the drinker superhuman strength! How are we supposed to protect this city from the surrounding garrisons if…”
“ Yes, yes, yes, just shut up and hurry. The spammers are getting restless,”
But it was too late. The Spammers hurtled through the wall and started shooting wildly around the town. They were met by a release of the member’s all shooting their weapons.
The battle screeched to a halt. The member’s examined their weapons.
“ Hey, wtf...this is a water pistol. Men. We’ve been stinted,”
They all paused. The members all checked their pistols to find to their horror, they were no good to anyone. The spammers chortled happily, examining their wounds and finding just a soaked shirt. The Members backed slowly away, holding their pistols like stones. The spammers, sensing fear, prodded forward, their militant lines dissolving into a sea of angry hooliganism.
Cheetah167 glared angrily at the S-Men.
“ You gave my men water pistols? How could you do this? We will be slaughtered, surely,”
Seth Rex shook his head, “I doubt that sir. And don’t call me Shirley,”
With that he grabbed his ban gun and leapt into the crowd of spammers, swooping out of the air like a bat. All due respect to him, he did a good job. He fired several clips eliminating whole sections of the army on his own before he was felled by three short slashes of a sword. The great Seth Rex, member of the S-Men had finally made his last stand. Slow violins were heard strikingly over the sound of gunfire; the remaining S-Men wiped tears from their eyes and bid farewell to their friend. At one point so brave, yet now imprisoned by his own death in the final grand chorus of gunfire that punctuated his life.
Drucifer67, Snake-Mark and Cheetah167 charged down the ramparts into the fray closely followed by Dac who like a bowling ball flattened the army in his wake. With great swipes of his tail he took out the spammers. Host, spurred by these acts of bravery, jumped upon the sling of the trebuchet and sniped three spammers who were attempting to sneak behind the group.
Cheetah167 ripped off a spammer’s arm and used it to thump several spammers and his wife who had started moaning that he was ruining the lawn.
“FIRE THE TREBUCHETS!” Cried Snake-Mark grandly.
“WHAT?! NOOOoo” Yelled Host, swinging his arms wildly. No one saw him and he was flung squealing into a mountainside. The remaining members in a courageous act shot their water pistols at the spammers who, nevertheless laughed at them. Until Dac roared, and the entire city burnt to the ground. The spammers, engulfed in the most flames, slowly disintegrated and became separate mounds of ash.
There was mixed feelings from the crowd. Their homes were charred to pieces and their families resembled spilt cereal.
“Okay. What idiot loaded these water pistols with petrol?” Cheetah167, attempting to douse a man on fire, squirted him, causing his face to fall off.
“ Hah, a stroke of genius, wouldn’t you say?” Came a voice from a Host-shaped hole in the mountainside.
“ You’ve ruined our city,” Cheetah167 roared with fury.
“ I defeated the spammers,” Host waddled down from the hole and tried to reconstruct his head which was oddly mountain conformed.
“We were trying to prevent our city being destroyed, and you destroy it anyway,”
“ Genius? Wouldn’t you say? Fight Fire with Fire, that’s what I always say,”
“ You’ve destroyed the hard work of our hard workers, and killed most of our men!” insisted Cheetah167.
There was a silence.
“ Well, Host, have you have anything to say for yourself?” asked Snake-Mark.
“ Well, sir,” protested Host, “ they say that when you have nothing to say all you can say is…” He burst into laughter and cradled his head.
“ Confound it, Host! I said do you have anything to say?!”
“ Only one thing, sir…”
“Eh?”
“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
He beamed, kicked Cheetah167 into the mountainside and with a single movement, brought back his swinging foot to knock his standing foot. He did a forward flip and dropped on one knee. They could only assume he was about to break into song, but they were saved by what could only be called divine intervention. It could also be called a roundhouse kick.
Snake-Mark gagged Host, and tied him to Dac’s tail.
“ Everyone be ready to move. I want to be in Latest News by midnight. Today marked the changing of the tide. SGD made a mistake to send his armies here.”
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“Where in the hell are we?” Dan cursed loudly and beat his trusty octopus skin bag against the wall. They were lost in this endless labyrinth.
Mithrandir led them up a stone flight of stairs. Dan had had enough.
“ Thundering Typhoons, the joke’s over! Tell me how you know where to go. Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles, tell me! Where do we go now?”
“ ROFL!” Cried Mithrandir suddenly and a door shut behind them. “You're trapped, Mister Dan! You're trapped! You cannot escape! You cannot escape!”
Three motorboats appeared in the middle of the cave/labyrinth/tunnel and attempted to run them over but were foiled by the handy lack of ocean. Dan and Crow were suitable confused, but Mithrandir was equally baffled at the boats. Shrugging, he crawled up onto a high rock. “ Soon, masters will be prey and I will be RICH with the power of the code! Give me the code, and I might spare your lives.”
“ Traitor!” Cried Crow Craftily.
“ Alliteration aside,” started Dan, “ You’ll never take the code Mithrandir! I was wrong to trust you!”
Mithrandir rolled his eyes and pointed somewhere behind Crow. Crow turned sharply, and Mithrandir swiped his traveling octopus bag (that used to be Dino Dude, if any readers remember back that far). Mithrandir emptied its contents over the rocky precipice while Dan slapped Crow for being such an idiot. The bag contained baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings and other assorted novelty crap. Mithrandir searched among them.
“This is amazing! This is incredible!” Mithrandir stopped rummaging, “This is junk! Model Trains…bowling trophies…what is all this crap?”
“ This crap, as you call it, happens to be the most cherished things we own!” growled Dan. Crow picked up a trophy.
“ Oh, remember this darling?”
“ Our first date! Oh, how could I forget?”
Mithrandir’s eyebrow (he only had the one) shot up somewhere into his hairline
“ But where’s the CODE! The ancient code, the bearer bonds (bonds the code to the bearer), the stocks, the negotiables? WHERE’S THE MONEY?” Screamed Mithrandir “It’s a very personal, very important thing. Hell, it’s a family motto. Now are you ready? Just checking to make sure you’re ready, here it is: show me the money. SHOW ME THE MONEY!!11 Doesn’t it make you feel good just to say that, Crow? Say it with me one time brother!”
“ Show you the money.”
“ Oh come on, you can do better than that! I want you to say it brother with meaning! Hey, I got a spammer queen on the other line. I better hear you say it!
“ Yeah, yea..no, show you the money!”
“ Not show YOU! Show ME the money,” Insisted Mithrandir.
“Show me the money!”
“ Yeah, that’s it brother, but you got to yell that shit!”
“ SHOW ME THE MONEY!” screamed Crow.
“ LOUDER!”
“ SHOW ME THE MONEY!” Yelled Crow.
“ What the bloody hell are you doing?!” Dan smacked Crow. “You’ll alert them to our presence,”
“ SHOW ME THE MONEY!” continued Mithrandir gleefully.
“ We don’t have money.” Spat Dan “ It’s in banks, where else? Oh, and the stock market.com,”
“This can’t be…It’s gotta be a joke. Are you telling me there isn’t one single platinum bar, or emerald, or $10,000 bill in this ENTIRE MOUNTAIN!?”
“ What mountain, you idiot, we’re in the bowels of SGD’s fortress. Tell him Crow,”
Crow pressed the button on his mission log. “ Mission log. Have infiltrated enemy territory without detection...and are making our way through the bowels of SGD's fortress.” Came out through the tiny speakers. This becomes especially amazing when it is realized there aren’t any speakers on Crow, and in fact, in the senate sub-committee’s report it was later found that he had been secretly practicing ventriloquism which he learnt on an ancient Peruvian website in the south of Google. This was probably the deciding factor in his incarceration at the conclusion of this story. Whilst, this makes no logical sense, it is also no assurance that Crow will remain alive by the end of the series. Anyway, back to whatever the hell was happening in the story:
“…and I’m sorry to disappoint you, Mithrandir,” smirked Dan, “But that’s not what we members treasure,”
“ Fine,” conceded Mithrandir, “ Hand me the ONE CODE OF INFINITE POWER!”
The code, which was harnessed around Dan’s neck, suddenly started rising. It occurred to Dan he should have tied it to a looser chain and he began to choke. Crow, clearly alarmed, ripped the code from Dan’s neck and closed his fat fingers around it. Mithrandir rofled to himself.
“ You fools. I had a plan B didn’t I?” Mithrandir chuckled and jumped into one of the nearest boats. “ Your shouting ‘show me the money’ attracted a SPAMMER QUEEN who guards these lairs. I will merely pluck the code from your dead hands. In fact, I can here her coming now!”
There was an unmistakable thumping noise somewhere close. Mithrandir laughed in what he clearly thought was an evil manner, however because of the rope that was tied around his neck (which also trailed back to Crow’s hands, but now it lay forgotten because Crow never was too bright), he sounded like a jackhammer full of helium. Mithrandir started the boat’s motor, and prepared to escape somewhere safe when a giant foot smashed him and his boat to pieces.
The spammer queen roared mightily and surveyed whom had dared to pass into her domain.
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Ben staggered to what he thought was his feet. It turned out to be somebody else’s feet and he apologized profusely. He was hit with a deluge of thoughts and questions in his head, most of them poorly phrased versions of the same thing; where was he? It occurred to him that this must be the first time in days he’s been sober. Then he realized what had happened. The wizards. They had escaped under his watch. He found his motorbike crashed into a cabinet nearby and straddled it firmly. He was going to fix this mess. He drove out the door (or more accurately, through the door, but who’s counting?) and down the corridor, where contrary to all possible mapping and logical thought, the wizards sped towards him in Minis.
“ How did you get back here?” screamed Ben as the cars rolled to a halt.
“ Uh…” began RaptorVinny500. “How did we, Paleeoguy?”
“Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.” He held up a map showing their path through the fortress. Their path fell down a canyon halfway through.
“Oh well,” shrugged RaptorVinny500.
Ben raised his Ban Gun. “ Easy; no sudden movements,” He shot a couple of times into the floor. Completely ignoring him, RaptorVinny500 raised his wand and chanted, “The power of three will set us free,” and continued in this fashion for a good three minutes.
“ What the bloody hell are you doing?” snarled Carna, and with a swish of his wand directed a bright blue beam of light at Ben.
“Have you found them yet sir?” panted Rick, massaging his head and clutching his side.
“ Yes, I’ve found them and I’m just roaming the hallways in my estate for fun,”
Rick scowled. “Sorry sir, I was just wondering what-” He was interrupted by SGD again.
“ Why aren’t you hot on the chase, Arnold? Instead of pestering me and standing around shedding metal scraps onto my floor? Where is your car? Wrapped around a tree somewhere no doubt,”
Rick scowled. “Look, I can explain,”
“Shut up you idiot. Get me a scotch,”
Just then, interrupting them, a young female guard came running up screaming about a large gunfight down at the OK hallway. Rick was first to respond.
“ What? You mean the Wizards? Are they armed? Are they using their wands?”
“ No, they’re using balloons,” SGD hit him with his gun, “What did you think they were using,”
Rick scowled again.
“ Should I gather all forces to the area sir?” Said the young guard, tossing her head of hair.
“ Leave it. Close off the area and we’ll be down in a minute,” Said Rick trying to regain authority, “You just don’t worry your pretty head,”
This time it was the woman’s turn to scowl, and in a stunning turn of events, would successfully sue Rick Arnold for apparent sexism in her place of employment. In the meantime, however, Rick and SGD made headway for the stairs.
“ What weapons have our guards got?” asked SGD, unaware it was Ben who was unfortunately battling the three Wizards.
“..er…standard issue HTML guns. Nothing fancy. We received a new batch of those gasoline tankers which I injected into water pistols and sold to a man who said he was working with the other side. When the war is over, our casualties should be minimal if any.”
SGD was skeptical about this, with the nagging feeling that it could backfire, but it seemed like a good idea, so he said nothing of it.
“ I also, as per your instructions, managed to…”
“ Shut up, Arnold,” snarled SGD, knocking him unconscious with a swipe of his fist. Rick Arnold rolled down the stairs noisily, finally coming to a halt by a large statue of SGD holding an access code of power. With a smirk, SGD opened the door of the hallway and made his way towards the noise at the other end.
Meanwhile, Ben was holding his own against the three wizards. He had found cover behind everything in the hallway, which had then been subsequently been blasted to pieces.
“ YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” He yelled furiously, shooting at the ceiling hoping to kill the lights. It never occurred to him that a) The wizards had no intention of taking him alive, and were indeed out to kill him, or b) there were no light fixtures on the ceiling and the entire hallway was lit by rivers of fire running alongside the wall. In an act of desperation he dived behind what he thought was a good shield against the wand fire. He realized sadly that this was a shitty shield, and he was currently crouching behind several unsold tankers of gasoline.
“ Ben, you moron, you’re hiding behind gasoline,” yelled Carna. The wizards had stopped firing for a minute. Ben considered his options. He was unlikely to be banned by the gasoline but the force of the explosion coupled with the wand fire could ban him forever. If he jumped out, he would be shot and killed. Forunately, he was saved from making this decision by the sight of SGD at the end of the hallway. Unfortunately, his decision was made for him when SGD shot at the barrels of gasoline. It took a split second for Ben to realize he was being fired, probably literally, and equally the wizards to realize that they were standing far too close to the barrels. Ben made one last look at his watch before predictably, the corridor exploded.
11:59:57
11:59:58
11:59:59
12:00:00
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TO BE CONTINUED…
1/7/2006 8:14:38 PM
(Updated: 1/7/2006 8:34:23 PM)
(Updated: 1/7/2006 9:24:37 PM)
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