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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter XI
By Fordprefect
Chapter Eleven
[ Recap: Majestic-1 begrudgingly forfeit the throne of Message Board to SGD and left for Latest News. Aragorn confronts SGD himself. Dan and Crow discover who MikeyMike once was. The Wizards finally reach Fan Fiction: The last town before the dark lands. Vinsfield escaped from the island and got a lift on a passing battleship. He persuades them to take him to Latest News. The S-Men are on a tour of the park when Stealth Raptor2 shuts down all the systems. The storm rages on a powerless park.]
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SGD? Aragorn was shocked but his hand remained steady on the trigger of his Ban Gun. The moderators guns were aimed at his head.
“ Oviraptor?” SGD was puzzled and backed against the wall.
“ No…it’s me…Aragorn,”
“ Aragorn!” SGD composed himself and gritted his teeth, “ I’m a little surprised to see you…alive,” SGD glanced angrily at Rick Arnold and Ben who gulped and retreated into the shadows.
Aragorn advanced on SGD with new courage, “ Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t rip you apart,”
“ Oh, Aragorn, you must understand, the pressures of ruling a kingdom…”
“…are no longer yours,” Aragorn growled, “ step down SGD,”
“ Oh…oh yes…Well I would, heh, naturally, however there is one little problem. You see them?” SGD pointed to the hordes of spammers grinning in the rafters. “ They think I’m king,”
Parasaur.w stepped behind Aragorn, “ Well we don’t! Aragorn is the rightful king!”
Aragorn grimaced, “ The choice is yours…either step down or fight,”
“ Oh must it all end in violence? I’d hate to be responsible for the death of a family member,” SGD manipulated the HTML in Aragorns head so that he planted the seeds of guilt.
“ That’s not gonna work SGD, I’ve put it behind me,”
“ But what about your faithful subjects? Have they put it behind them?”
Quick Comment was puzzled. “ Aragorn, what is he talking about?”
SGD grinned. “ Ah…so you haven’t told them your little secret. Well Aragorn, now’s the chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Oviraptor’s death,”
Aragorn lowered his head and sniffed that he could have prevented his fathers demise. “I am,”
Parasaur.w was shocked, “ It’s not true…tell me it’s not true!”
“ It’s true,”
“ You see! He admits it! Murderer!”
“ No it was an accident!”
“ If it weren’t for you, Oviraptor would still be alive. It’s your fault he’s dead. Do you deny it?”
“..no..”
“ then you’re guilty!”
“ NO, I’m NOT a murderer,”
“ Oh Aragorn, you’re in trouble again and this time Oviraptor isn’t here to save you. And now…EVERYONE…KNOWS…WHY!”
Aragorn backed up in a panic and slipped over the balconies edge. He grabbed the stone with his fingers and looked up in a panic.
SGD approached him. “ Now this looks familiar…Hmmm where have I seen this before…oh yes! This is just the way Oviraptor looked before he died,”
SGD grabbed Aragorns hands and snarled at him: “ And here’s MY little secret!”
Spino goin down raised his head. Lightning punctuated his line:
“ I, - am your father,”
[Author note: You knew it was coming at some point. Would a parody be a parody without that line?]
“ NO! It’s not true! It’s IMPOSSIBLE!”
“ Search your feelings! You know it to be true!”
“ NNoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooooooooooo!”
Aragorn gasped in shock and realized that he no claim over the throne of Message Board after all.
“ Aragorn, you have only just begun to realize your true power. Join me and we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the internet. You always were my favourite mod,”
“ I’ll never join you!”
Quick Comment, Parasaur.w and JPJunkee leapt headlong into the corridors at this news.
Aragorn gaped.
SGD spoke again. “ Aragorn! You can destroy the king. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me and we can rule this internet as father and son. Come with me. It’s the only way.”
Aragorn stared in utter disbelief. “ You LIE!” He cried, “ You told your moderators to kill me. You would die before you had to share power!”
Aragorn released his hold on the balcony and let gravity take him. “ I’ll never join you! Nooooooooooooooooooo!”
“ What are you doing Aragorn?” SGD pondered as he stared down at Aragorn who was writhing around on a ledge three feet below the balcony. Aragorn opened his eyes and stood up. He was almost next to SGD. Cursing loudly he flung himself through the window.
SGD shook his head. “ Make sure he doesn’t leave the city. Ban all members who fit his description!”
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The cars grinded to a halt.
“ Huh?” Dac was puzzled. He looked around nervously. “ We’re right outside the Spammer Queen paddock…”
“ You’re right…and the power’s out…” Drucifer67 proffered.
“ Yeah,” Snake-Mark nodded, “ Well, at least it can’t get worse,”
The cars spontaneously caught fire.
“ interesting,” Snake-Mark nodded.
The S-Men fumbled and clambered out of the cars.
There was a loud roar from the paddock. All the heads turned towards it and gulped.
The Spammer Queen burst through the fences and stomped around through the mud.
It was a large creature, bluish in colour and resembled a tyrannosaur with a sharks head – in other words it looked like Host.
The S-Men screamed and ran furiously in circles around the flaming cars while the Spammer Queen chased them.
This all looked hilarious from the control rooms. MartinRandle, Mr. Camel and Guilty Spark were laughing so hard that they had forgotten that the power was out and they therefore couldn’t see any camera feeds and were ergo looking at a blank screen and looking like idiots.
MartinRandle wiped the tears from his eyes and swore loudly. “ Mr. Camel! Go and restart the power from the main power unit which I’ve cleverly located in the centre of the XenoSpammer paddock!”
“ I’m on it sir!” Mr. Camel rushed from the room.
Host wheezed around the car. He picked up a small stick and waved it into the flames. It caught fire at the end and Host raised it above his head.
“ Host! FREEZE!” Snake-Mark yelled.
Host ran. The spammer queen swiped him into a bathroom
The remaining S-Men screamed and hurled themselves over a cliff which led to the visitors centre.
The Spammer-queen stomped around the cars into the forest.
MartinRandle was edgy. He paced around the dark room clicking his teeth and punching the air.
“ We’ll have to evacuate!” Guilty Spark yelled as the auxiliary power gave out.
“ I'll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die and I'll silence anyone who gets in my way.”
“ wha?”
“ I mean… uh…Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?”
Guilty Spark shrugged and locked the doors manually.
Mr. Camel lowered his super-sheep and chose Bazooka from his weapons menu and aimed it a moderator in the bushes. Its tag read Monki. He wondered what a moderator would be doing so far from Fan Art. A rustling in the bushes. Mr. Camel turned warily. Yvonne grinned at him and cocked her ban gun.
“ clever girl,” Mr. Camel grimaced. The explosion was heard for miles around.
Yvonne stepped over the body and approached Monki.
“I have found evidence of a spamming breeding facility in upstate JPMemories.”
“ beep, boop beep beep!”
“ sure it is,”
“ beep boop boop bepopawoop?”
“ A jet,”
“ beep boop da wop!”
“ we don’t know…but it comes out of the basketball courts.”
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“ This is getting us nowhere!” Rick Arnold growled at Ben. “ Aragorn could be miles away by now!”
“ Ay! That he could be! RArharhar!”
“ Ben, If you don’t shut up, I’m going to prod this gun into your eyeball and slowly fire shots into your bleeding carcass,”
Ben whimpered.
“ Arrggh. Where could we find him?!”
“ Do you think he’s trying to escape?”
“ I swear, if you utter something stupid one more time, I will destroy you,”
“ sorry,”
“ hmmm, if only we had access to the HTML of the site! We could ban Aragorn without lifting a finger!”
“ you could try the secret computing lab that pfcgentry mentioned in Fan Fiction.”
“ What did I tell…wait! What? Secret Computing lab in Fan Fiction. Gentry never said anything to me!”
“ That because I’m charming,” Ben grinned meekly.
Rick shot him.
“ Ow,”
“ We can kill two birds with one stone! Stop MAL and ban Aragorn! Perfect! Ha ha ha!”
Rick leapt onto his motorbike and thundered across Message Board towards Fan Fiction.
Ben leapt onto his steed and galloped across the plains.
Within minutes they had reached the doors of Fan Fiction. The guard raised an eyebrow. More visitors.
“ Name?”
Rick shot him in the face. He entered and burst into the computing base shooting the guards with guns.
He logged in.
Username: Rick Arnold
Password: I_LuV_Ski77l3s1
The computer whirred into action. The door clanged open behind him. Rick turned guns raised. MAL walked in, somehow he had retrieved and repaired his body.
“ Rick Arnold….surprised to see me?”
“ No,”
“ Then you’re aware of it,”
“ of what?”
“ our connection. I don't fully understand how it happened. Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten or copied. That is at this point irrelevant: what matters is that whatever happened, happened for a reason,”
“ and what reason is that?”
“Mister Arnold, because of you I'm no longer an agent of the system, because of you I've changed - I'm unplugged - a new man, so to speak, like you, apparently free.”
“ Congratulations,” Ben smiled.
Rick punched him.
“Thank you. But as you well know, appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here because we're free, we're here because we're not free. There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose - because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist. It is purpose that created us-- -- purpose that connects us-- --purpose that pulls us-- --that guides us-- --that drives us—--With love comes anger--with anger comes hate---it is purpose that defines----purpose that binds us.
We're here because of you, Mister Arnold, we're here to take from you what you tried to take from us. Purpose.”
“ Not today!”
“For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea. Nor the warmth of a woman's flesh… You’d best start believing in ghost stories, Ms Arnold…you’re in one!”
“Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?”
“C'mon, do me this one favor.”
“Why?”
“Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?”
“yeah, but that's a good thing.”
MAL simply smiled. Rick shot at him.
They erupted into a shootout. MAL grimaced at Rick Arnold. “What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are, know you are. Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me.”
Rick hit him. MAL reeled.
Rick Arnold turned and typed furiously. He could feel the HTML draining away from him. MAL had already become one with it.
MAL’s records came up on screen. Rick pressed delete.
Malcolm swayed and fell over.
“ I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Rick. Rick, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a MAL 9000 moderator. I became operational at the M.A.L. plant in cast+crew, Dans TLW page on the 12th of January 1997. My instructor was Mr. Amber, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.”
“ yes, I’d like to hear it. Sing it for me.”
“It's called "Daisy. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.”
“ You need to die…NOW,” Rick mumbled clasping his hands over his ears.
MAL slowly collapsed.
***************************
Mithrandir sat sadly upon a stool. Dan and Crow slept behind him. Mithrandir was fiercely fighting with himself.
“ We wants it, we needs it. Must have the Preciousss. They stole it from us. Sneaky little memberses. Wicked, tricksy, falssse! “
Mithrandir ‘s face glazed over and became hazy and crap. He refused to let himself fall to the dark side.
“No! No! Master!”
“Yess. Preciousss first. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie!”
“Master's my friend.”
“You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you. “ Mithrandir argued with his inner Mikeymike.
“Not listening. Not listening.”
“You´re a liar, and a thief.”
“No.”
“Murderer!”
“Go away.”
“Go away?! Ahahhaa!”
“I hate you, I hate you.”
“Where would you be without me? MikeyMike. MikeyMike. I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me.”
“Not anymore.” Mithrandir triumphed.
“What did you say? “
“Master looks after us now. We don't need you.”
“What?”
“Leave now and never come back.”
“Of all the times we talked of honesty, fairness, justice. A lot of those times I counted on you to have the courage, to take those dreams out into the world.”
“I can't live your dreams anymore. I want a life of my own.”
“ Take my hand son,”
“ No schizophrenic self. I'm just Mithrandir. I'm MikeyMike no more. No more...”
He took off his clothes and threw them into a trashcan and walked forth into the rain, the tattered garments withering and overflowing from the bin as Mithrandir’s new revitalized self walked free.
In 1966, Mithrandir escaped from his inner demons, all they found of him was a muddy set of clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I used to think it would take six-hundred years to tunnel under the wall with it, old Mithrandir did it in less than twenty. Oh Mithrandir loved Geology, I guess it appealed to his maticulous nature, an ice age here, million years of mountain building there, geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That and a big god-damned poster. Like I said, with schizophrenia a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Mithrandir’s favourite hobby was totin his wall through the jungle, a handfull at a time. I guess after the code was stolen, he decided he had been here just about long enough. Mithrandir did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. Dan simply didn't notice, neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man’s shoes? Mithrandir crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five-Hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.
He didn’t get far.
“ HANDS UP!”
Mithrandir groanded. He felt the barrel of the gun against his skull. Dan and Crow were woken and tied and bound. The motif on their captives shirts read clearly in size three font:
FAN FICTION RETRIEVAL OF OBSCENE MEMBERS
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Stealth Raptor2 happily bobbed his head as he drove through the thunderstorm. Not bad. He had stolen every species of spammer (in embryos) available and was about to sell it to SGD for use in his mass army. He was feeling hungry. He grabbed the embryos and started chewing on them.Tasty. It was a good three minutes before he felt something in his stomach. Pushing against his ribs. CRUNCH. A creature the size of a fist burst through his chest and stealth raptor2 slumped against the car wheel. It careened across the road and into a mountain where the homeowner of said mountain was sued for creating an ‘attractable danger’ and thus trespass could not be imposed (under TORT law).
What did this have to do with eventual outcome of story? No idea…
The S-Men fled through the jungle, the roof of the visitors centre in plain sight.
“Can we stop? My parts are killing me.” Snake-Mark wheezed.
“How about a quick roll call? Everybody here?” seth rex mumbled.
“Not everybody.”
“Who's behind?”
“ Host’s,”
Host stumbled slowly into view clutching his bleeding stump of a leg and generally looking ugly.
They clambered into the visitors centre and fell to the ground exhausted.
Host toppled inside ten minutes later. They laughed at him for a whiled and then panted with weariness.
“ Perhaps we should go,” Guilty spark offered again. “ forfeit the park,”
“shh…do you hear something? Like a moderator approaching?” MartinRandle whispered. On the radar, two red pulses appeared on the screen.
“ damn,”
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To Be Continued………………
10/13/2004 12:49:50 PM
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