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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter V
By fordprefect
Chapter V
[ Recap: PaulSF was tried for the kidnapping of the King but was found innocent. Majestic-1 reclaimed the throne for his own and introduced a new age of spammers. Spino_goin_down killed the King. Carna managed to save himself after his fall and met Drucifer67; an entity that grants three wishes. The members on the Blue Eagle finally escape the News Archive. Aragorn looks upon his time in the jungle.]
The Blue Eagle crashed into the undergrowth and sped down the muddy track. The rear view mirrors smashed into trees. Snake-Mark fumbled clumsily with the steering wheel.
“ Watch Out!” Cried Seth Rex sharply. “ You’re headed for that cliff!”
Snake-Mark mashed the brakes with his hands and the Eagle was spent into a spin that would’ve shamed a tornado. It careered to a dizzy halt on the brink of the cliff.
The S-Men let out a sigh of relief.
“ Yar! We had a close shave,” said Dac.
“ Well, at least we’re out of the mines,” beamed Host.
“ So where are we now?” asked the curious Carnotaur3.
The Host blinked. “ We seem to be in the jungle.” The Host paused to think. “ Yes- We’re in JP Memories, the outskirts of Dan’s JP3 Page. We’re wildly off course.”
The sky grew dark around them.
“ Well,” Started Seth Rex, “ We might as well spend the night here…It’s as good a place as any,”
“ true,” nodded Host. “ We must stay here for the night. We have no chance of successfully maneuvering through the forest in this light.”
Snake-Mark grimaced. He didn’t like to leave his baby out in the open forest. He reluctantly turned on the Eagle’s defense parameters and settled in to his soft chair.
The lights turned off and the Eagle was thrown into darkness. There was a loud blip.
“ What was that?” Asked Vinsfield.
“ The radar,” answered Seth Rex.
All the men turned towards the round green screen, softly glowing in the darkness.
“ What Is it?” came RaptorVinny500.
“ Moderators. Five of them.” Replied the Host sadly.
“ Five of them!”
“It is an force bred for a single purpose, to destroy the world of members. They will be here by Dawn.” Said Seth Rex.
“ Let them come!” Cried The Host.
They waited with baited breath as the red blips smoothly glided across the screen, pulsating gently every minute. They came rushing quietly to a stop beside the bus.
There was a loud snarl and then inexorably a knock on the door.
“ Mommy’s very angry,”
*******************
PaulSF walked sadly down the street. The Message Board had changed. Spammers were walking with members. He paused to look around. A figure was running through the crowds. PaulSF glared at it. It was a ‘HTML Helper’™ carrying some kind of bag. HTML Helper’s™ were all the rage, helping members with their everyday lives – but here was one, running with someone’s bag. Fleeing from a crime, no doubt.
“ HEY!” Yelled PaulSF, lunging through the crow towards the HTML Helper™. He leapt onto its back sending it crashing face first into the floor.
“ It’s All right!” Yelled PaulSF, holding the HTML Helper™ onto the ground, “ I’m a COP!”
“ Boy – What are you doing?” A woman emerged from the crowd.
“ Ma-am is this your bag?”
“ Of course it is! I left it at home, and my HTML Helper™ was just getting it.”
“ I’m sorry – I saw a HTML Helper™ with a bag and I just assumed - ”
“ I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, officer,” droned the muffled voice of the HTML helper™.
“ don’t you apologize. You’re doing your job.” The woman pointed at PaulSF, “ but you…what are you doing?”
“I…”
“ PAULSF!” Bellowed a great voice. General Rancor came strutting through the streets towards them.
PaulSF gulped. His boss, General Rancor had a grudge against him, ever since Paul attacked him during his spell in prison.
General Rancor grabbed PaulSF and pulled him aside.
“ Tell me something,” growled General Rancor, “ how many HTML helpers™ have ever commited a crime?”
“ Look…”
“ How many HTML Helpers™ in the world have ever commited a crime?”
“ Hey…”
“ answer the question,”
“ None, Rancor, Jeez,”
“ You’re a slacker! You’ll never be anything because no blue font posting member has ever amounted to anything in the history of Dans,”
“ yeah, well history’s gonna change,”
“ Now…what happened today?”
“nothing,” said PaulSF
“ better be the last nothing,” growled General Rancor and stalked off through the street.
PaulSF grumbled into his sleeve. He was sick of this town. He was sick of spammers and HTML Helpers™. He was going to do something about it. He was going to talk to the creator of HTML Helpers™ - his old friend; pfcGentry.
******************
Mr. Camel strutted around. The heavy crane slowly rolled into view, lowering the big crate. Guilty Spark rose out of the mist and leapt onto the top of the crate. He rushed towards the big door at the end and levered it up…notch by notch.
There was a screech and a crash. Whatever was in the crate threw itself at the opposite side. Guilty Spark rolled forward and fell in a crumpled spread, exposed on the ground. He was grabbed by the leg.
Mr. Camel lunged forward and grabbed Guilty Spark around the shoulders. Guilty Spark moved up and down the adjacent wall fluidly trying to shake off the grasp of Mr. Camel.
“ Shoot her!” Mr. Camels voice mingled with the screechings of the creature.
“ Shoot Her!”
Guilty Spark felt his arm being pulled slowly through the grasp of Mr. Camel and into the crate itself. There was a scream and Mr. Camel yelled into the sky. He stared eye to eye at the creature in the crate. He could’ve sworn he saw its mouth curl into a smile.
“ SHOOT HER!”
There was a crack. There was a silence.
******************
So, that night at just past midnight, PaulSF crept out of his hut and down towards the Message Board Mall parking lot where he knew pfcGentry spent his nights.
PaulSF walked up to middle of the parking lot. There was a large white van parked in the lot. PaulSF walked up to it.
The doors of the van hissed and a rush of steam poured out. The back doors started slowly to lower. A ramp crashed onto the ground and a silver car rolled down it.
“ pfcGentry?” asked PaulSF nervously.
“ Welcome to my latest experiment. It's the one I've been waiting for all my life.”
A tall man with long wavy white hair leapt out behind the car. He was wearing a long white lab suit.
“ Um…Well, it’s a Delorean, right?”
“ Bear with me PaulSf, all questions will be answered; roll tape.”
A video recorder blipped on in the background.
“ Good evening, I'm Dr pfcGentry. I'm standing on the parking lot of [Post a New Message] Mall. It's Saturday morning, October 26th 2004, 1.18am and this is temporal experiment number one. C'mon, HTML Helper™.”
A HTML Helper™ loomed out of the van and clanked towards pfcGentry. PaulSF yelped. pfcGentry attached a clock to the HTML Helper™ and pushed it roughly into the Delorean.
“Hey, hey boy, get in there, that a boy, in you go, sit down, put your seatbelt on, that's it!” pfcGentry crooned.
“ whoa, whoa, whoa, Ok,” started PaulSF.
“ Please note that the HTML Helper’s™ clock is in complete synchronization with my control watch, got it?”
“ Right, check doc,”
pfcGentry slammed the car shut and backed away. He took out a remote control and started moving the car around.
“If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious ****[Edited by Fox for rating purposes]! Watch this, watch this.”
The car accelerated towards them at a high speed. pfcGentry laughed manically. PaulSF leapt out of the way but the car disappeared before hitting them.
“ What The?” Yelled PaulSF “ you disintegrated that HTML Helper™!”
“ calm down. I didn't disintegrate anything. The molecular structure of HTML Helper™ and the car are completely intact.”
“ then where the hell are they?”
“The appropriate question is, when the hell are they! HTML Helper™ has just become the world's second time traveller! I sent him into the future. 1 minute into the future to be exact. And at exactly 1.21am we should catch up with him and the time machine.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, Doc, are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?” stuttered PaulSF.
“The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car why not do it with some style. Besides, the stainless, steel construction made the flux dispersal.....”
“ …second time traveler? Who else did you send into the future?”
“ A moderator, to whom I owed a favor. JPJunkee. He’s taken one of my Deloreans. He wanted a time machine, I wanted Plutonium…Look out!”
The Car appeared, spiraling into the parking lot.
“Ha, ha, ha, HTML Helper™, you little devil. HTML Helper's™ clock is exactly one minute behind mine, it's still ticking!”
“ He’s all right,”
“He's fine, and he's completely unaware that anything happened. As far as he's concerned the trip was instantaneous. That's why HTML Helper's™ watch is exactly one minute behind mine. He skipped over that minute to instantly arrive at this moment in time.” Began pfcGentry, “ Come here, I'll show you how it works. First, you turn the time circuits on. This readout tells you where you're going, this one tells you where you are, this one tells you where you were. You input the destination time on this keypad. Say, you wanna see the signing of the Declaration of Independence...or witness the birth or Christ. Here's a red-letter date in the history of science, yesterday. Yes, of course, yesterday! That was the day I invented time travel. I remember it vividly. I was standing on the edge of my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the edge of the sink. And when I came to, I had a revelation, a picture, a picture in my head, a picture of this. This is what makes time travel possible. The flux capacitor.”
The HTML Helper™ barked.
“ What is it HTML Helper™?” pfcGentry looked around. “Oh my God, they found me, I don't know how but they found me. Run for it, PaulSF!”
“Who, who?”
“Who do you think, the spammers!”
*********************
“ Some Flooder is scoping for you dude,” whispered Parasaur.W.
Aragorn snapped up. He looked over the top of the bush he slept behind. A flooder was showing some woodland animals a picture. One of the woodland animals pointed in his direction. Aragorn ducked quickly.
“ Who is he?”
“ I don’t know,”
Aragorn sighed and scuttled down the valley. Parasaur.W camouflaged himself into the bushes; something he had learnt through years of hiding.
Aragorn looked behind him. The Flooder was on his tail…It broke into a run. Aragorn yelled and started lunging blindly through the forest. Quick Comment looked on in astonishment. Aragorn found his Ban – gun.
“Leave it. He didn't kill you because you weren't armed. No sport.” Said Quick Comment before burrowing underground.
Aragorn scowled and leapt away. He ran as fast he could through the narrow alleyway of trees. He could lose the flooder in the dense undergrowth. He was about to turn a corner, when he was blocked off. A Moderator walked slowly towards him, drabbed in cold black and glinting sunglasses. The moderator reached under his arm, and pulled out a long narrow box. A big blue label read: ROSE EMPORIUM. The Moderator pulled out a long thin Ban Gun. The rose box fell to the floor; the roses scattering everywhere. The moderator continued walking forward, his shoes crushing the soft bud of the rose. Aragorn came to a skidding halt. His brain had stopped working, his gut had leapt up, burst through his lungs and strangled his heart. He couldn’t believe it. The world around him slowed to a crawl.
“ Parlay?” Aragorn asked hopefully.
The Moderator raised the Ban Gun. Aragorn yelped with fear and turned around. The Flooder snarled at him. It advanced on him drawing its own primitive axe. It swung its arm backwards and raised the axe. Aragorn looked back at the Moderator pointing its gun straight at his face. He was dead this time, he had managed to evade it for so long.
“ Get Down!” Growled the Moderator.
Aragorn obediently ducked. There was a blast from the Ban Gun and the flooder was sent reeling into the trees.
Aragorn stood straight again and stared at the Moderator.
“ Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a moderator right?”
“ Yes. Dans JP3 Page Systems Model JPJunkee.”
“ No Way!” Cried Aragorn, “ You’re a machine underneath right? But sort of alive outside?”
“ I’m a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton,”
“ Okay…uh…you’re not here to kill me; I figured that part out for myself,” started Aragorn in confusion, “ So what’s the deal?”
“ My mission is to protect you,”
“ Yeah, who sent you?”
“ Your Father did. Thirty years ago, he reprogrammed me to be your protector here…in this time. He figure that you would be a target. I took a Delorean.”
“ This is deep,”
***************
“ This isn’t hunting behaviour! Not hunting…they’re searching Host!” Said dark hunter, “ They do want the code! This is proof positive of what I was talking about!”
“ I’m so happy for you,” spat Host.
“ This is my bus; I have to defend it!” said Snake-Mark
Outside, the knocking stopped.
“Merry Christmas little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.” Mocked Rick Arnold
“ Hey come on kids, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!” snorted Ben.
“ We’re not gonna hurt you…” probed Rick Arnold.
“Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you,”
Seth Rex pointed a Flooding gun out the window and aimed it at Rick Arnolds face.
“Be good little boys and open the door.” Sniggered Rick Arnold
Seth Rex pulled the trigger.
“ Yeroghh!” yelled Rick Arnold clutching his face.
“What? What? What happened?”
“ Get the little…” mumbled Rick Arnold still writhing on the floor.
Ben pushed his face through the window. “ Hello?” he asked.
Seth Rex shot him in the face.
“ YEORGH!” cried Ben, “ The little Jerks are armed,”
“ Yeeees!” hissed Rick Arnold, “That's it, that's it! I'll go through the front, you go down the ceiling!” Rick stormed off muttering incomprehensibly.
After futile efforts on both parties, Rick Arnold yelled at Malcolm.
“ Get over here!”
Malcolm obediently wandered over to Rick Arnold.
“ All right,” Spluttered Rick Arnold, “ This Bus’ security relies on their computer. I want you to upload yourself into the computer and open these doors. Got it?”
“ One is glad to be of service, Mr. Arnold.” Said Malcolm, “I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.”
Malcolm face slipped into a blank stare while a haze of green symbols dissolved into the air around him.
*Upload Complete* sang the bus.
“ Nooooooo,” came the voice of Snake-Mark.
“ Muahahahahahaha!” Screamed Rick Arnold piercingly. “ Hello, MAL, do you read me?”
“ Affirmative, Rick, I read you.”
“ Open the Bus doors, MAL.”
“ I’m afraid I can’t do that Rick,”
There was a short silence
“What's the problem?”
“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”
“ What are you talking about MAL?” Rick Arnold clenched his teeth.
“This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.”
“I don't know what you're talking about, MAL?”
“I know you and Ben were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.”
“Where the hell'd you get that idea, MAL?”
“Rick, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.”
“ Ok ok…I’m sorry. Will you open the doors?”
“ No,”
Rick yelled a string of curses and profanity and took out his ban gun. He shot both Ben and Malcolm’s body in the face. Ben clutched his face in pain. He couldn’t die. No Moderator can die. Malcolm just kept the same stupid goofy grin. Rick shot him a couple more times and then punched him.
“ Alright I’ve got a better Idea!” snarled Rick Arnold.
“ You know…I beg people to listen to me. I use plain simple English. I have no accent that I’m aware of…” muttered Host.
“ Oh, shut up,” snapped RaptorVinny500.
“ That should be an interesting chapter in your book.”
“ Forget the chapter…It’s a whole new book!” squealed Carnotaur3. “ the debate over the loyalty issues of Moderators is now closed,”
“ There’s an unwritten rule when an member is in a flame war zone. You stop the Bus every two miles and decide whether or not your feeling lucky. One ‘no’ from anybody and you turn around right there, no questions asked, nobody embarrassed. So Do we go on?” Asked a grumpy Dac.
There was a unanimous ‘no’ from the bus.
There was a sound of a revving motorcycle outside the bus.
“ hang on…This is going to be bad…” cringed Host.
There was an almighty crash and every single member on the bus suddenly found themselves thrown against the far side of the Blue Eagle.
*********************
“ Thank you for choosing swirling vortex for all your travel needs,” Came Drucifer67, “ Please don’t stand until the vortex has come to a complete stop.”
Drucifer67 swelled and pouted. “ How about that Mr. Doubtful Mustafa?” he continued.
“ Oh, you sure showed me,” replied Carna, “ Now…about my three wishes,”
“ Dost mine ears deceive me?” stuttered Drucifer67, “ three? You are down by one, boy,”
“ ah…no, I never actually wished to get out of the cave, you did that by yourself,”
There was a pause.
“ Well, don’t I feel sheepish,” frowned Drucifer67, “ all right, no more freebies,”
“ Fair deal…now three wishes…What would you wish for?”
“ Me? No-one’s ever asked me that before,” said a startled Drucifer67. “ Well, In my case…Freedom.”
“ You’re a prisoner?”
“ It’s all part and parcel, the whole gig. Phenomonal Cosmic Powers…Itty bitty living space.”
“ That’s terrible,” Cried Carna. He whipped out his magic wand and powered some sparks at Drucifer67.
“ Wha- -?” Drucifer67 stood taken aback…” but you’re…you’re a WIZARD!”
Carna smiled and nodded.
“ I am Carna; Head of Pigwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”
“ Ho ho ho…I owe you one Carna…” said Drucifer67 tearfully, “ You have set me free,”
“ I think both our powers combined will be a formidable force.” Said Carna.
“ Yes,”
“ I have a challenge to ask of you. I was recently betrayed by the head of my order – RaptorViny500.”
“ The RaptorVinny500,” said Drucifer67 slyly, “ He’s the best. What chance does a toy like me have against a great wizard action figure.”
“ yes…anyway…I need revenge. What say of you?”
“ Great idea,” said the ecstatic entity, “ I shall match my powers to a mighty wizard!”
“ Excellent, The Eagle was headed towards JPMemories so we’ll head there.” Carna rubbed his hands together and started to froth at the mouth. “ Oh by the way, You’re not named after your father are you?”
“…yes...” replied Drucifer67 suspiciously, “ My Father – ‘Bootstrap’ Paleeoguy…why?”
“ No reason…” came Carna’s answer. Things were about to get interesting.
“ Let’s Fly,” yelled Carna aiming his fist and causing a rippling motion in the ground. He shot off into space with Drucifer67 following closely behind. “ To Infinity – And BEYOND!”
**********************
TO BE CONTINUED…
8/18/2004 6:56:17 PM
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