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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter VIII
By fordprefect
Chapter Eight
[Recap: Aragorn found out he was special, and decided to return to Message Board. Dan and Crow find themselves headed towards a waterfall. Vinsfield is stranded on an island, having driven a flying Delorean far out to sea. MAL and Rick had an argument and MAL threatened to delete the old moderators accounts. Rick reluctantly left the bus to stop him, but not before leaving a surprise on the bus for the S-men. Rick assassinated dark hunter and was about to continue his pursuit of MAL when he ran into JPJunkee and Aragorn. Carna and RaptorVinny500 set out to find the great hero Paleeoguy. Drucifer67 reveals that there is a bomb on the bus. Carnotaur3 takes refuge in the forest while Yvonne and Monki head off for a secret mission]
“ S-s-say that again!?”
“ If this bus goes below fifty miles an hour, we’re all banned,” Drucifer closed his eyes.
“ But can’t you teleport to the bomb and dismantle it?” Dac wheezed.
“ It’s not as simple as that – the bomb is integrated into the HTML of the bus.”
“ What can you do?”
“It's a game. If he gets the code he wins, if the bus blows up he wins.” Drucifer67 said sadly.
“What if you win?” asked Snake-Mark.
“Then tomorrow we'll play another one.”
“But I'm not available to drive tomorrow. Busy.”
“ Then the code will fall to SGD!”
“Well, I don't care if it's God's own personal anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it!”
“ Hmmmm…any ideas?” Drucifer offered.
The men were silent for a while, except Host, who was choking.
“ I’ve got it!” yelled Seth Rex.
“ What?” the remaining S-men cried in unison.
Seth Rex wordlessly moved over to the speedometer. He took out his gun and shot the interface to smithereens.
“ Yay!” The S-men squealed.
Drucifer67 chuckled. “ I see you are smart!”
“ Yeah,” Seth Rex blushed.
“ Well, at least that hurdle has been crossed!”
“ Hyuck hyuck! Well, I hate to break up the party wagon but – WE GOT COMPANY!” Snake-Mark yelled.
A lone figure had leapt in front of the bus.
“ Holy...uh…Cow!” Gasped Drucifer67. He teleported outside the bus, grabbed the figure and teleported back. The figure was familiar.
“ Carnotaur3?” yelped Dac. “ I thought you were dead!”
“ I was – but I got better!”
“ Where’s Vinsfield and Crow?”
“ Alas – Crow, I have not seen, Vinsfield was pursued by moderators until he could stand it no more, and I stood, on the brink of the forest, my eyes burning with a lust for revenge! I could think of only one more thing!”
“ What?”
“ Evil…” whispered Carnotaur3, “ pure…evil!”
He burst into tears. They punched him.
“ Stop the bus!” spluttered Dac. The bus stopped. “ We shall not leave Vinsfield and Crow to their torturers!”
“ yeah!”
“ Make a perimeter around the bus! Let’s hunt some Spammer!” The Host whined. They worked all day, and they worked all night, for almost an hour. The S-men stood back to survey their work. An impenetrable barrier of leaves and brambles surrounding the Blue Eagle.
Snake-Mark smiled slightly. For the first time in his life, he felt he was part of something – part of something bigger. There was a bang from inside the bus.
Snake-Mark’s eyes shot wide open. He looked around the perimeter. Seth Rex and Host were trying to put out a raging forest fire. Dac was sleeping and Drucifer67 was pummeling Carnotaur3 who had managed to get a large spidery animal on his face. But if everyone was out here…who was inside the bus?
Snake-Mark grunted and yanked open the heavy metal door.
“ What the hell do you think you’re doing in here?” He snorted, like an angry rhinoceros.
A man clad in clinical white was burrowing inside the refrigerator. His hands fell across an expensive bottle of Champagne and he pulled it out triumphantly: “AhA!”
The bottle popped open and the contents frothed to the top. Snake-Mark managed to see his full face. It was an old and weathered one, his short, bush of a beard covered a happy, gleeful face.
Snake-Mark pointed towards the open bottle. “ Hey, we were saving that!”
“ For today, I guarantee it…” Said the short man. He bounced towards the central desk and beamed across at Snake-Mark, giving the impression of father Christmas.
“ And who in God’s name do you think you are?” asked Snake-Mark unperturbed.
“ MartinRandle. And I am delighted to finally meet you in person, Snake-Mark.”
Snake-Mark froze as realization began to set in. He took MartinRandle’s hand and shook it numbly. “ Mr MartinRandle.?” Snake-Mark muttered.
MartinRandle beamed around the room.
“ I can see my fifty Dan Dollars a year have been well spent.”
The door slammed open again, and Seth Rex leapt into the room. “ Okay, who’s the jerk?” he growled.
Snake-Mark smiled weakly. “ Uh, this is our…uh…gun operator, Dr. Seth…”
“ Rex,” completed Seth Rex
“ Seth Rex, this is MartinRandle – MartinRandle.”
Seth Rex laughed meekly, “ did I say jerk?”
“ I’m sorry for the dramatic entrance, but I’m in a hurry. Will you have a wee bit of a drink now and then?”
MartinRandle pointed to the far end of the bus.
“ Come along, I know my way around the kitchen, come along. Well now, I'll get right to the point. I like you. Both of you. I can tell instantly with people; it's a gift.” He paused and started to wipe the glasses. I own a clump of land. Off the borders of the western mountains. I leased it from the webmaster and spent the last five hours setting up a kind of biological preserve down there. Really spectacular. Spared no expense. It makes the one I had in Latest News look like a petting zoo. No doubt that sooner or later our attractions will send newbies right out of their minds.”
“ What are those?” Snake-Mark asked.
“ Small versions of members,” Seth Rex patted him on the shoulder.
“ Say – Why don’t you come visit for the weekend!” MartinRandle clasped his four fingered hands together.
“ I can’t – we’ve just uncovered a new member and –”
“ I can compensate you by funding your dog,”
“ It’s not a good time,”
“ for a further three years,”
“ let’s go!”
**************************
The little buggy crashed headlong into the water. A pair of men got out before it sunk too deep and leapt onto the bank. RaptorVinny500 looked sadly at the buggy he had made.
“ This looks like the place!” Carna meandered through the marshes. “ Paleeoguy lives somewhere around here!”
“ In this dump?” RaptorVinny500 lifted his foot clear of a pile of dung.
“Still...there's something familiar about this place. I feel like...I don't know...”
“ Feel like what?” came a raspy voice behind them.
RaptorVinny500 and Carna spun around and whipped out their wands – no, their magic wands you pervert!
A small creature peered at them from the mist. He was not more than a foot high and a strange wrinkled green.
“…like we’re being watched!” finished Carna.
“Away with your weapon. I mean you no harm.”
Carna and RaptorVinny500 reluctantly put their wands away.
“ I am wondering – why are you here?” the little creature growled.
“ I’m looking for someone.”
“Looking? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm?” The creature bounced around laughing gleefully.
“…right…” RaptorVinny500 rolled his eyes and coughed something that sounded vaguely similar to ‘you freakish feces face!’.
“ Help you, I can, yes, hmmmm” the creature smiled.
“ I don’t think so – I’m looking for a great warrior,” Carna answered.
“ Ahhh! A great warrior! Wars not make one great…” The creature bobbed his head.
“Listen, friend, we didn't mean to land in that puddle, and if we could get our buggy out, we would, but we can't, so why don't you just...”
The creature chuckled: “ awwww, cannot get your buggy out?” The creature waddled over to Carna’s backpack and grabbed the strap. Carna impatiently snatched it away – but the creature retained its prize…a flashlight. Carna was irritated.
“Hey, you could have broken this. Don't do that. Ohhh...you're making a mess. Hey, give me that!”
“Mine! Or I will help you not.”
“ I don’t want your help! I want my lamp back. I'll need it to get out of this slimy mudhole.”
“Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is.” The creature peered at Carna.
RaptorVinny500 snuck up behind the creature and grabbed the flashlight. The Creature smacked RaptorVinny500 repeatedly with his cane and pulled the flashlight back.
“Now will you move along, little fella? We're got a lot of work to do!” Carna growled.
“No! No, no! Stay and help you, I will.” The creature sniggered, “ find your friend, hmmm?”
“I'm not looking for a friend, I'm looking for a Wizard.”
“ oooh! Wizard. Paleeoguy! You seek ‘bootstrap’ Paleeoguy!”
“ you know him?”
Slowly, dawning comprehension crossed RaptorVinny500’s and Carna’s faces.
“ You – you are Paleeoguy?”
The creature chuckled but nodded to their question.
“ Tell- tell him what we’re here for Carna!” RaptorVinny500 stuttered.
Slowly Carna began to relate the events of the past weeks to the wizened old master. Even though Paleeoguy listened intently, Carna had no idea whether he would join their cause. Only one way to find out…
***************************
Aragorn ducked and frantically tugged on JPJunkee’s shoulder. The big moderator was crouched behind a clump of ferns and shooting recklessly at Rick Arnold.
“ what young master?” JPJunkee paused for a minute.
“ You’re wasting time – Majestic-1 could have already handed over Message Board to SGD!”
“ you are right – Rick Arnold is immortal.”
“ let’s escape.”
“ yes…wait here,”
JPJunkee stood up and charged at Rick Arnold. Rick leapt up and changed his position to counter JPJunkee. This left JPJunkee and Aragorn a convenient passage down the hill. Without hesitation, JPJunkee wrapped Aragorn in his hands and threw himself headlong down the hill.
“ They got away!” Ben swore.
“ Never mind! That idiot will be his own undoing! Majestic-1 will take care of them! Come, let’s find MAL before it’s too late.”
“ Yes…qui-”
“ Shhhh! Shut UP!” Rick hissed. “ do you hear something?”
“ Only the beating of my heart oh great Rick Arnold,”
Rick punched him in the face. Stumbling out of the forest, a wild looking man with tossed hair and a white labcoat panted into the clearing. Rick Arnold recognized him immediately as the scientist pfcGentry.
Rick Arnold grinned with glee. This could be worth something. He leapt upon pfcGentry and forced him to the ground.
“ Tie him up!”
Ben rushed to restrain the struggling scientist. pfcGentry was bound and gagged.
“ What now, Rick? Ban him?”
“ No, no, I’ve got a score to settle with Gentry here.”
“ Mmmmm!” Gentry screamed through the napkin stuffed in his mouth.
“ Ha ha ha – you would say that, pfcGentry,” Ben chortled into the captive’s face.
“ Ben?”
“ yes, Rick?”
“ Shut up,”
“ Rick – I don’t have to put up with your insults anymore!”
“ yes you do, fishface,”
“ Actually,” Ben was looking at something that he had taken from pfcGentry’s pocket., “ well, well – the mammoth book of insults!”
Rick shot Ben in the face, and then turned to pfcGentry.
“ You owe me money, scientist!”
pfcGentry spat out the napkin. “ How do you figure?”
“MAL threw a tantrum. Now seeing as you're the one who done MAL’s circuits, that makes you responsible.”
“Well since you never paid you for the job, I’d say that makes us even!”
“Wrong! See I was talking to MAL when he threw his tantrum and I got thrown off. And that just caused me to bust a perfectly good chance of retrieving the Access Code. So the way I figure, scientist, you owe me $5 for the code, and $75 for the moderator.”
“ Look if your MAL blew a circuit, bring him back and I’ll rewire him!”
“ I darn shot that MAL!” Rick stomped angrily pointing to the charred electronic jumble that used to be Malcolm’s body.
“Well that's your problem, Arnold!”
“Wrong. That's yours. So from now on, you better be looking behind you when you walk. 'Cause one day you gonna get banned in your back. Let's go!”
Rick made to leave when something occurred to him.
“ Wait! I’ve got an idea – let’s take this guy back to Message Board for questioning, he could prove useful! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahah”
“ where the hell are Yvonne and Monki?”
**********************************
Yvonne and Monki crossed the small mountain range and surveyed the forest roof. Far below them was a road of some kind. They began to walk towards it.
“How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.” Yvonne said sadly.
Monki sang back in a series of notes.
“I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen.” Yvonne squawked. “ What a desolate place this is,”
Monki responded in electronic beeps and began to roll away.
“Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.”
Monki whistled.
“What makes you think there are settlements over there?” Yvonne pushed.
Monki replied in the usual manner.
“What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile!”
Yvonne followed Monki to their fate. She was curious, admittedly, but reluctant to venture into the unknown. Then stabbing into the forest was a large structure – like a centre or mall.
“ Interesting!” Yvonne muttered, “ Illegal webpage hosted here. Let’s go…er…Inquire ha ha ha,”
They wordlessly started walking around the building slaughtering and banning anyone they came across.
“ What’s this?” Yvonne asked pointing to a cylindrical chute in the building.
Monki swore at her in his beep language.
They leapt headlong down the chute.
**************************
“ ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP!!!111!!!111” Crow yelled, lunging towards the life jackets.
Dan clambered over the side of the ship and stood facing the waterfall, clinging to the dinghy. It was high here, nice view. “ I’m King of The Worl…”
“ Dan can you get up here and give me a hand?”
Dan ripped off his sleeve and threw it at Crow.
“ Ha ha – that’s very funny Dan – BUT THIS IS SERIOUS!”
“ Your attempts are futile,”
“ Why?”
“ There is not enough lifeboats,”
“ Dude, there’s NO lifeboats,”
“ We’re going to have to jump!”
“ Wha - -? Are you nuts? Crazy?” roared Crow.
*cue action music*
“ and where the hell’s that music coming from?” Crow shot the jukebox and ripped out the plug. The dinghy careened forward towards the waterfall. Dan got some rope and formed a lasso. He whipped it around a tree, just forward of the drop, and jumped. He cleared the drop and dangled over the rock ledge. Crow swore and turned to face the waterfall. A raging whirlwind of death and destruction that will plunge his life in chaos for ever looked back. There was nothing for it.
“ Catch me Dan!”
Crow took a running leap and lunged towards Dan. He fell short and plummeted down to meet his end. Crow fell beneath the waves immediately. At first Dan thought he was going to live as Crow resurfaced. But then a jukebox fell on the poor frail body of Crow. Followed by a dinghy. Amazingly Crow resurfaced again, his face looking like a plane had reversed into him. Crow stumbled to the shore. Dan clambered down to meet him.
“ Do you know where we are Crow?”
Crow groaned as blood spouted from his eyes.
“ We’re in the great plains of Dans JP3 Page!” Fan art lies to the south!”
Crow fell unconscious. A raging storm cloud thundered menacingly over the red figure of mount Dom far away.
A tear fell from his eye. “ I wish the Code had never come to me!” he roared. Carna’s voice played back in his head. Carna’s smiling face in his mind, he was saying something…
“ So do all who come to see such times,”
Carna waffled on for half an hour and Dan fell asleep. Crow awoke. He was hurting everywhere.
He looked over at Dan and then he himself fell asleep. Far above them on the waterfall edge, a figure looked menacingly down.
“ you thieves, you thieves! Filthy little thieves” the figure cackled, “Wheeere isss it? Wheeere isss it? They stole it from usss. My Preciousssss.”
The figure creeped down towards the sleeping men. “Curse them! We hates them! It's ours it is..And we wants it!!!” The figure reached out with a hand. Dan shot an arm our and grabbed the arm of the figure and threw him onto the ground. The creature pounced around evading Dan’s swipes and lunged towards Dan with his feet raised. He kicked Dan in the face and Dan fell spread eagle to the ground. Dan grabbed his gun and pointed it at the creature, the smirk falling from his face.
“ You’ve seen this before!” Dan grunted, “ Haven’t you Mikeymike?”
Mikeymike let out a wrenching wail.
Crow sat bolt upright. “ What happened?” He yelled upon seeing Mikeymike crying on a rock and Dan pointing a gun at him. Dan snorted.
“ Everybody was kung-fu fighting. Those kicks were as fast as lightning. In fact it was a little bit frightening, but we fought with expert timing.”
“ U-huh,”
Dan threw a lasso around MikeyMike’s neck.
“It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Take it off us!”
“Quiet you!” Crow roared.
“We'll be nice to them, if they'll be nice to us. Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We ssswears! We swears to serve the Master of the Precious. We will swear on, on the Preciousss!”
“ Precious?” Crow yelled. “ What nonsense is this?”
“ This is MikeyMike, Crow.” Dan explained. “ He used to be a member, and owned an Access Code before SGD the deceiver took it from him. He has been searching for it ever since. Last Tuesday, he was rummaging around my clothes in Latest News but I shot him in the ear.”
“ Ho, Ho Ho!” rumbled Crow, with every chuckle his disfigured face jolted around.
Dan approached MikeyMike. “ You know the way to Fan Art?”
“ yes…”
“ You’ve been there before?”
“ yes…”
Dan unfastened the rope. “ You will lead us to the black gate.”
Mikeymike gulped and nodded quickly.
***********************************
PaulSF prodded Parasaur.W in the chest.
“ AAAAAAAARRGGGGHHHH!”
“ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!”
“ wah! Don’t ever do that again!” Parasaur.W cried with fury.
“ have you guys seen Aragorn?”
“ I thought he was with you!”
“ He was but now I can’t find him!”
The corpse of dark hunter pawed into the clearing. “ Ho ho ho! You won’t find him here. The king has returned.” He then died again.
“ I don’t believe it!” PaulSF cried. “ He’s gone back!”
“ Gone back? What do you mean? What’s going on here! Who’s the corpse?”
“ Aragorn’s gone to challenge Majestic-1!”
“who?”
“Majestic-1!”
“who’s Majestic?”
“ No, No, No, it’s a bounty hunter.”
“ the corpse is a bounty hunter?”
“ No Aragorn’s gone back to challenge the bounty hunter to take his place as king!”
“Ohhhhhhhhhh”
PaulSF let out a cry of joy and stumbled backwards onto the corpse which cut through him. PaulSF yelled as he was mauled by the corpse, and his vision faded to darkness.
Aragorn ran through the deserts and plains of Dans JP3 Page, JPJunkee leading the way.
*************************
To Be Continued….
9/11/2004 9:03:36 AM
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