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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter IX
By fordprefect
Chapter Nine
[Recap: Dan and Crow have met MikeyMike, a pitiful creature who knows the way to Fan Art. Martin Randle has met the S-Men and invited them to go to his resort. PaulSF died. Yvonne and Monki investigate a building in the jungle. Rick and Ben capture pfcGentry. Paleeoguy finally meets Carna and RaptorVinny500.]
Vinsfield kicked a rock into the sea and sulked. He stalked up and down the beach wondering how to leave the island he had crashed landed upon. The Delorean had been brought in by the tide and lay in a crumpled heap on the shore. Vinsfield had salvaged his bag of mail that he was supposed to deliver before setting off with Carnotaur3.
Inside was a good few cases that he could use. There was also a volleyball packaged inside a box with a small inscription: To Wraith_13, Happy Birthday!.
Vinsfield wondered briefly why anyone would be so stupid to inscribe anything upon a volleyball. The puncture meant that the ball had now lost all it’s air and resembled a grey raisin. Vinsfield didn’t mind that. No, he wanted the volleyball to talk to. He named it after its inscription: Wraith_13.
He chuckled at the thought of talking to a volleyball and wondered who would actually be sad enough to talk to one. He was.
“ Well, Wraith_13, we’re in a pickle now,” Vinsfield sighed.
The volleyball peered at him strangley.
“Hey, you want to hear something funny? My dentist's name is James Spalding! Ha ha ha!”
Vinsfield laughed and poked at the volleyball. It remained silent. Vinsfield’s mood snapped:
“ If only I could go back and stop myself from arriving here!” Vinsfield yelled, “ If only I could go back in time! If only I had a time machine! But all I’ve got is this damn Delorean.”
Vinsfield snorted angrily and kicked Wraith_13 over to the wrecked car. As the tide swept in, he begrudgingly meandered over to retrieve him. As he swept Wraith_13 into his arms, he grumbled and wrenched open the heavy door of the car. A light blinked in the gloom. Intrigued, Vinsfield prodded the keypads with his fat fingers and triggered a voice recording.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, Doc, are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?” A voice rang monotonously.
“The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car why not do it with some style. Besides, the stainless, steel construction made the flux dispersal....”
Vinsfield didn’t hear the rest. He eagerly leapt out of the car and pushed it out of the reach of the arm of the sea. A time machine! How coincidental! If he just had some power source…he could fly the Delorean back in time! He was probably way in the past already. Vinsfield checked his watch. To his dismay it was the correct date. But he was unperturbed. Vinsfield rang his hands together and set out the task of filling the gas tank with coconuts.
******************
Rick Arnold peered across the stainless steel table. pfcGentry shivered slightly, the few rays of sunlight that pierced the grimy prison windows gleamed on the moderators sunglasses. Ben was engrossed in ‘The Mammoth Book of Insults’.
“ Ah! It’s been a long time since I was in Message Board. Damn newbs on the streets, peace and justice! Sickening! I’d prefer my tall cool glass of evil any day. But now that Majestic-1 is king, that’s all going to change.” Rick clenched his teeth, “ This land will soon be in SGD’s grasp. Majestic-1 does not command the power that Oviraptor did, and will not be able to summon an army great enough to face the might of SGDs.”
pfcGentry swore at Rick Arnold.
“ How polite of you,” Rick bowed in mock niceties, “And, now doctor, we will discuss the location of your hidden computing base.”
“ What are you talking about?” spat pfcGentry.
“ Don’t act like ignorant, it doesn’t cut it. I have informants –”
“ yeah, your MOM has informants,” Ben interrupted snapping his insult book shut.
Rick turned and delivered a punch to the face. Ben fell silent.
“ As I was saying – I have informants that…er…inform…me that you have been creating a secret computing base!”
“ I…”
“SILENCE!” Rick bellowed, “ AND you have developed a time machine!”
“ well, that’s true, but I,”
“ Do you ever shut up?” Rick snorted.
“ If it means you don’t get to talk!”
“Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life!”
“I surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!”
“before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this message board operational. No member will dare oppose the Emperor now.”
“ huh?”
“ don’t you see?” said Rick, “ once Message Board is in our grasp no member will be safe! We are planning to overthrow Majestic-1! HA ha ha ha ha! Then we will build a weapon of mass banning. You hear me right – MASS BANNING!”
“ You sick person!”
“ ha ha ha! Anyway, I need to know where your computing base is…MAL is going to delete me you see…”
“ big loss,”
Rick chuckled slightly.
“It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're Doctor pfcGentry, mildly eccentric scientist. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you... help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Gwee" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for and have a hidden computing base that enables you to delete accounts at will. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.”
“ how do you know this?”
Rick ignored him. “We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.”
“Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger” He did so. “... and you give me my phone call.”
“ tell me pfcGentry, what good is a phone call when you are unable to speak?”
pfcGentry felt his face. The HTML had bonded together and he had no mouth. He stood up and backed into a wall. Rick Arnold laughed and threw the table at him. He would continue his questioning later.
*********************
“ Well, Paleeoguy?” Carna asked, “ will you join us on our quest?”
“ Of course I will. Always endeavor to stop the threat of SGD, I will.”
RaptorVinny500 and Carna let out sighs of relief.
“ I kept the peace long before SGD’s time, in times much darker than they are now.”
“ really?” Carna asked eagerly.
“ Yes…but long story, it is– ”
“ Tell us,” RaptorVinny500 made himself comfortable.
“ Okay – I will,” Paleeoguy opened his diary and embarked on his story. Remarkably, though Paleeoguy spoke in weird sentences, when he was reading, he reverted to a normal voice. “ Long, long ago the internet was all one land mass, and Dans JP3 Page had not yet been formed. Instead, a small city on the very outskirts of this giant landmass was called Dan’s TLW page, which would grow into the land you see today and know as Dans JP3 Page.”
“ All one land mass?”
“ yes…back in Dans TLW Page, no-one was evil or bad, but everyone was good, until one day during a tropical storm, two members disappeared.”
“ Who?!”
“ One called Bob and another called Spino_Goin_down…they were not seen for hours on end and they were feared dead but what befell them was a far worse fate…” Paleeoguy paused dramatically, “ They had turned to evil!”
“ now there’s a twist!” Raptorvinny500 said sarcastically.
“ Bob was the respected member and he caused havoc with Dans TLW page while SGD fought valiantly against the members. Dan’s TLW page was split in two and Bob formed the nation UFX. It was Bob who turned the tide, without Bob, Dans TLW page would still stand, HE was the one whose tactics and military precision lead to victory every time because he created a set of Access Codes. It was a great surprise that his weak and shy servant SGD would grow into the greatest evil threat the site has faced in its history”
“ So what happened to him?”
“ It was a surprise attack by the moderators, who in those days were keepers of the peace. They ambushed Bob and outnumbered him. But before they got a chance to clash Ban staffs, SGD the deceiver betrayed his friend and bombed the land with spam hoping to kill all the moderators and take Bob’s throne. It was a brilliant plan, Bob was killed and the moderators fled while they were weak. No-one could have expected SGD to do this. SGD had no further enemies…the moderators had gone into exile. Slowly, SGD rebuilt Dans TLW page and his empire. He offered vast power to those who would follow him, and used Bob’s Access Codes to enter his land. The Moderators were the first to fall – they turned to evil and became servants of SGD.”
“ But how did SGD fall?” Carna asked.
“ He tripped?”
“ I mean how did he fall from power!”
“ oh…” Paleeoguy blushed. “ Well, one day in the sites early history, the member Max quickly rose to the top of the ranks of SGDs spammer army and led a crushing revolt against Message Board. Oviraptor’s father Amber hired a mercenary called Majestic-1 to assassinate him. It brought to SGDs attention the threat that Message Board posed. So in the winter months, SGD created a vast army of spammers and flooders – not the simple kind that you see today, but huge behemoths of an extinct age, that would destroy the very HTML that they walked upon. SGD rode at the head of these ranks and marched upon the fallen city of Message Board. I myself was a soldier in the message board army. On the first light of dawn as the streaks of red tinted the sky, the opposing forces clashed on the rolling fields of Fan Fiction. The small town was reduced to rubble as the battle raged for hours. Until, on the seventh hour, SGD himself took to the battle. Many enemies were slain by his staff, a weapon of immense banning.
No-one came close to matching his intense style, even Bob could not have defeated him.
So, the three Author codes were hidden long under the ground, and three great beasts of spamming were sent to guard it…”
“ Stay Puft!” cried Carna.
“ the seven member codes were entombed in the cases deep below Message Board and suddenly SGDs power was weakened. SGD was enraged and sought about using the One Access Code to regain the power he had over the members and authors. The problem was, that Bob had hidden it long ago to hide it from his enemies and if SGD was to win the battle, he needed that,”
“ And?” RaptorVinny500 was poised on the edge of his seat.
“ And SGD misplaced it, I guess,” shrugged paleeoguy, “I mean that for nearly three thousand years man has been searching for the lost code. It's not something to be taken lightly. No one knows its secrets. It's like nothing you've ever gone after before. I know that you Carna set out to find that relic long ago.”
“Oh, Paleeoguy. What are you trying to do, scare me? You sound like my mother. We've known each other for a long time. I don't believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus pocus. I was going after a find of incredible historical significance, you're talking about the boogie man. Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am. But I did travel far to find it.” Carna answered. “ But I do not know how I knew where it was…I guess the sheer evil emanating from it drew me towards it. But I was not worthy to touch it…There was nothing I could do but wait for someone who was worthy, to get it. The man Dan came and managed to get the Code.”
“ Dan was worthy?” RaptorVinny500 asked.
“ I don’t know…” Carna shrugged.
“ Anyway, without the codes power, SGDs army was maimed and beaten in battle and SGD himself fled back to his dark land. The great spammers were all hunted down until they were ALL killed. SGD and his moderators were biding their time, waiting for the code to be found.”
“ SGD knows the code is found…he is trying to retrieve it.” Carna said gravely. “ I know he has sent out an assassination squad to kill the Heir to the throne. Possibly to eliminate the threat of the monarchy.”
“ Yes, explain it, that would.” Paleeoguy nodded. “ But, now you say that the code is headed to Fan Art?”
“ yes,”
“ Slaughtered they will be, and fall, Dan’s will,”
“ That’s why we got you…the power of us three will be enough to defeat him!”
“ Right, I only hope you are.” Paleeoguy muttered, “ May the HTML be with us.”
*************************
“ So you two give protection to the bearer of the code?” The Host said.
“ try to,” Snake-Mark chuckled. The remaining S-men and MartinRandle were all sitting in the back of the Blue Eagle as it took them to the resort. The Host roared heartily.
“ You’ll have to get used to dr. Host. He suffers from a deplorable excess of personality, especially for an idiot.” Seth Rex laughed.
“ Author! Actually! Author,” Host protested, “ Seth Rex doesn’t bother to subscribe to writing. Seth Rex, Snake-Mark, you’ve heard of writing?”
“ No,”
“No? Non-linear equations? Strange attractions? Dac, I refuse to believe that you are not familiar with the concept of attraction!”
Dac raised his eyebrows and shuffled away from Host.
MartinRandle stood and yelled to the bus auto-drive to stop.
The S-Men all stared out of the side of the bus except Drucifer67 who was examining a leaf.
“ This shouldn’t be here,” Drucifer67 said uneasily, “ This species of leaf has been extinct since last Tuesday,”
Dac was riveted to something outside the bus. He took off his hat and glasses and quickly got to his feet. He underestimated the roof of the bus and fell back to the floor gasping in pain.
Snake-Mark never took his eyes off the window, yet reached over and pulled Drucifer67 to the side.
Drucifer67 looked up: “ Oh – My - God!”
Snake-Mark hurtled headlong out of the bus window and stared. “ It’s – It’s a Flooder!”
He laughed.
The huge quadruped trumpeted loudly. It was a far cry from the modern day flooders. This was one of the extinct ones. It skin was a mottled pebbled gray. The Flooder reared up on its hind legs and ripped a leaf from a tree. It was a one hundred feet high. Its head located somewhere in the clouds.
Seth Rex joined Snake-Mark. “ This is a knockout punch for cold bloodedness!”
MartinRandle beamed: “ Well, we’ve clocked the Spammer queen at thirty two miles an hour,”
“ You’ve got a spammer queen?”
“ Say again,”
“ We’ve got a Spammer queen,”
Snake Mark sat on the ground, feeling faint. Martin Randle stared off into the distance.
“ Snake-Mark, My dear, dear Seth Rex – Welcome to Spamrific Park!”
“ How’d you do this?”
“ I’ll show you…” MartinRandle whispered.
In the shadows Dac stared in rapture at the beast. “ We’re gonna make an absolute fortune on this place!”
MartinRandle took the members back to the park centre, insisting on eating something before the tour. They sat down to eat the rich meal before them.
“The lack of humility before nature that's been displayed here staggers me.” Snorted Host.
“Thank you, Host, but I think things are a little different than you and I feared.” Consoled Dac.
“Yes, I know. They're a lot worse.”
“Alright Dac, alright, but just let him talk. I want to hear all viewpoints. I truly do.”
“The problem with scientific power you've used is it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge yourselves, so you don't take the responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you knew what you had, you patented it, packages it, slapped in on a plastic lunch box, and now you want to sell it.”
“You don't give us our due credit. Our scientists have done things no one could ever do before.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should. Science can create pesticides, but it can't tell us not to use them. Science can make a nuclear reactor, but it can't tell us not to –”
He was interrupted by Carnotaur3, who was choking violently.
“ what’s the matter man, the food ain’t that bad!” Dac laughed.
Carnotaur3 threw himself onto the table and writhed around flailing his arms and legs.
“ Wha-” Seth Rex was confused.
“ what’s wrong?” Dac cried.
A patch of blood blossomed over Carnotaur3’s shirt. The S-Men leapt back in fear. In a burst of blood a head the size of a fist shot out through Carnotaur3’s chest.
The S-Men gasped.
“Ah, perfect timing! I'd hoped they'd hatch before I had to go to the boat. Snake-Mark, why didn't you tell me? you know I insist on being here when they're born.”
Snake-Mark was in shock. MartinRandle bent close to the tiny figure scampering around Carnotaur3s lungs. “ Come on! Come on! They imprint on the first living creature they come in contact with. That helps them to trust me. I've been present for the birth of every animal on this Island. Just look at that.”
“Surely not the ones that have bred in the wild?”
“Actually, they can't breed in the wild. Population control is one of our security precautions here. There is no unauthorized breeding in Spamrific Park.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say NO unauthorized breeding,” Dac grinned over to the nurse in the corner. She slapped him.
Snake-Mark picked up the little baby creature. “ What species is this?”
“ XenoSpammer.”
A meaningful expression crossed Snake-Marks face. Carnotaur3s carcass fell to the floor.
****************************
Aragorn ran through the rivers of sand and plunged headlong into the rest of his life. The rain tore down through the sky and collided with the ground. The world slowed in time for Aragorn. He could see every tear of the clouds as they splashed into his heavily muddied khaki suit. His legs moved as if weighed down with lead and every flash of lightning burned on Aragorn’s retina. His feet pounded the puddles of water while the billowing grass swayed past his torso. Every second moved slower than an hour…
“Aragorn!” JPJunkee yelled from somewhere in front. “ We’d move a lot quicker if you didn’t insist on running in slow motion.”
Aragorn scowled and swore at JPJunkee. But he was distracted – the great spires of Message Board loomed over the next hill. He would be there soon. The ground was barren…it was a wasteland…Majestic-1 hadn’t done a good job.
“ We’re going to fight the bounty hunter…for this?” Parasaur.W and Quick Comment crept up behind Aragorn and smiled.
Aragorn’s face split into a grin and he embraced the pair. “ You followed me?”
“ Of course! We’re with you to the end, buddy!”
“ Well, this is my home!” Aragorn said sadly.
They stared off at the tall spire. Lightning illuminated the sky and Message Board stood for a brief second a silhouette against the backdrop of the rolling plains of Dans JP3 Page.
Aragorn shared a meaningful glance at his companions and started forward again.
“ What are you going to do once you reach Message Board?” Asked Quick Comment.
“ I’m going to offer Majestic-1 a peaceful resolution or a fight.”
“ what?” yelled Parasaur.W, “ Bounty hunters are trained professionals!”
“ I know,”
“ But what If you die?”
“ I won’t,”
Parasaur.W and quick Comment mouthed wordlessly at him.
“ How are you going to get to the palace?” asked Parasaur.W
JPJunkee cocked his gun.
“ I see,” Parasaur.W nodded.
They walked on in silence.
“ We’re all going to die!” sobbed Quick Comment.
But Aragorn wasn’t listening. By the gates of Message Board were two Flooders.
“ yeesh. Flooders. I hate Flooders.” Parasaur.W groaned. “ How are you going to get past them?”
“ Live bait,”
“ Good pla---Hey!”
“ Come on Parasaur.W.”
“ What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?”
The look on Aragorns face was enough. Parasaur.W groaned again and slumped to the ground.
***************************
To Be Continued….
9/17/2004 7:04:35 PM
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