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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter IV
By fordprefect
Chapter Four
[Recap: Majestic-1 kidnapped the King of Message Board and is on his way to deliver his bounty, with Jango Raptor to Spino_goin_down. Aragorn is adapting well to Jungle life with Parasaur.W and Quick Comment. RaptorVinny500 betrayed Carna and threw him off a bridge. The Blue Eagle is in New Archive under heavy attack. The moderators have begun their search for the Code.]
PaulSF woke with a start. He immediately noticed something was wrong. He could tell that by two things. One, he was on his face in a hard cell and two, there was a large security guard pacing over him.
“ Wha? Where am I?” asked Paul sleepily.
“ You’re safe,” said the security guard, “ In the Message Board prisons.”
“ What?” roared PaulSF. “ What the hell are you doing? Let me out,”
PaulSF threw himself against the bars and pounded furiously against them.
“ Now, Now,” said the security guard, “ You have only yourself to blame,”
“ What the hell are you talking about, idiot?” snapped PaulSF.
“ Don’t give me that!” chortled the security guard, “ You kidnapped the King,”
PaulSF furrowed his brow.
“ What?”
“ Now that you’re awake,” continued the guard, “ I’ll get the General! He’ll break you like a stick!”
The guard chuckled to himself and left the cell. He was back in a few minutes with a larger man. He was covered in medals and had a large swinging beard. His bushy eyebrows completely covered his eyes.
“ Listen, there must be some kind of mistake,” started PaulSF, “ I didn’t kidnap the King,”
“ Ho Ho ho!” spluttered the General, “ I’m sure that’s what you would say,”
“ Listen, you moron, why the hell would you think I kidnapped the king?”
“ Oh I don’t know, let’s see!” roared the general in mock confusion. His silver badge glinted at PaulSF. It clearly read ‘General Rancor’.
“ you were found in his room!” Bellowed General Rancor, “ And the king had mysteriously disappeared.”
“ What?”
“ And then, you tied yourself up, to make it look like you were innocent!”
“ You moron, I can’t tie myself up!” roared PaulSF, “ this is crazy,”
“ Don’t ask me to explain!” General Rancor flushed red, “ You’re the one with the criminal mind! I don’t know how your strange head works!”
“ Look!” Mumbled PaulSF, “ I am the Kings head of security! I am a man who has pledged his life to the king!”
“ Is that a confession?”
“ No, you idiot!”
“ Don’t speak to me that way! I am General!” Bellowed General Rancor, his chest expanding.
“ Listen, idiot, get me the steward…he knows who I am,” strained PaulSF.
“ I don’t have to listen to you!” defied General Rancor.
“ I didn’t kidnap the king,” said PaulSF desperately.
“ Suuuure you didn’t,” General Rancor, “ Your trial begins at six.”
“ What trial?” yelled PaulSF, “ You don’t have a shred of evidence!”
“ OH?” General Rancor leaned close to him, “ If you didn’t kidnap the King…why were there velociraptor footprints in the room?”
“ You freak! I don’t have velociraptor feet!” PaulSf slumped down onto the floor and began to cry.
“ There, there.” General Rancor patted him on the head, “ I understand,”
PaulSF screamed and lunged at the General.
***************
“ Vinny you fool!”
Carna fell deep into the abyss, clawing at the air. Confusion filled his mind. RaptorVinny500 had betrayed him. Now Carna was falling through space at tremendous speeds while Vinny’s smug head looked down.
The wind was rushing past him so fast, he couldn’t see anything. His stomach was dancing inside him. Carna realized he had to do something fast about his predicament, otherwise the ground would rush up to meet him, and it wouldn’t be too friendly about it either. It was at this point that Carna was distracted slightly. Stay Puft had taken to pounding on his body. Carna tried to twist in the air but the wind made this impossible. He swore. His problem was soon solved by Stay Puft who kicked him, spinning his body around. Carna shot some sparks out of his wand and Stay Puft punched him in the face.
Somehow, Carna grabbed onto Stay Puft’s finger and swung around so he was standing on Stay Pufts hand. The rock face rushed past him in a blur of brown and green. He floated over to Stay Pufts spinning head. Carna prodded his wand into Stay Pufts puffy eye. Stay Puft wailed and screamed. His life flashed before his eyes. Stay Puft was back to where he began – eight years ago – as a circus act.
“And now, ladies and gentlemen, before I tell you any more, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive--a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Stay Puft, the Eighth Wonder of the World!”
Stay Puft lumbered into the ring, he was dazzled by the lights, the flashes, the music. The audience roared. Flash after flash blinded Stay Puft. The circus music rang through the large tent. Stay Puft roared and stamped around in a blinded daze. He collided with the central pillar and it shook. It rotated and leaned. Screams. The pillar collapsed and the tent flung them into darkness.
“ Don’t be alarmed, Ladies and Gentlemen, those chains are made out of chrome steel.” yelled the circus announcer over the big tannoy. Stay Puft broke the chains and fled.
Carna twisted himself to see the ground. It was getting a lot bigger. Carna siddled over to Stay Pufts stomach and braced himself for impact. The roaring of the wind was unescapable. The cavern floor loomed towards him. Carna closed his eyes. There was a sickening thud. Stay Puff groaned. Carna leapt off the beast onto the sand. The sand was undisturbed, smooth as if it were brushed. It had lost all of its golden texture and assumed a dark murky slosh. Carna waded around, looking feebly for a way out. His eyes fell on a tall pillar in the middle of the chamber. A long flight of stairs led to it, carved into the rock itself. It was surrounded by a pool of murky water. At the summit shone a golden beacon of light.
Stay Puft started to stir. Carna pointed his wand at him and instantly turned him into a monkey.
“ stay here,” warned Carna.
Stay Puft moaned as he saw his new body. His small puffy eyes fell on a glistening golden statue with a big red jewel on it.
Carna ran up the steps to the summit. On a mound of sand rested an Access Code. Engraved around its sides was a big scrawly ‘A’.
Carna realized what this was; One of the three Author Access Codes. Lost for ever.
Stay Puft waddled towards the statue. His hands inches away from the jewel.
“ This is it?” muttered Carna, “ This is what I fell down here to -,”
Carna noticed Stay Puft who was lingering above a jewel on the ground.
“ STAY PUFT! NO!” Carna yelled.
Stay Puft lunged forward and grabbed the Jewel. The room shook.
“ Infidels!” Cried a voice.
“ Uh oh,” yelped Stay Puft.
**************
Aragorn walked around on his knuckles and knees, becoming in tune with the jungle. He had grown his beard longer and he looked wild.
Parasaur.W had taken to walking endlessly across a log in the hope it would make him younger.
Quick Comment busied himself with making little figurines out of dirt.
Aragorn smiled. Jungle life consisted of routine. And then more routine. The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. Aragorn was marched in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that forest rain they throw on you, and when they put you in that tree... and those branches slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.
Aragorn’s first night in the jungle, cost two packs of leaves to keep him alive. On the day he met Parasaur.W and Quick Comment, Aragorn said to himself, in regards to the song they had just sung.: “I have no idea to this day what those two guys were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singin about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little tree and made those leaves dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, all three of us felt free.”
The fact that Aragorn was talking to himself didn’t bother the others in the slightest. It was what normally happened after the transition.
**************
“ You have touched a forbidden treasure. Now you will never again see the light of day!” The voice in the cave bellowed.
Carna grabbed the code and raced down the steps. The steps morphed into a smooth ramp and Carna tumbled the rest of the way down. The ground exploded, sending rivers of lava into the cave. Carna saw the lava come swiftly towards his face.
“ Accio Firebolt!”
Out of nowhere a broomstick came hurtling through the air. Carna threw himself onto it and spiraled out of the way of the boiling pool. Stay Puft hopped around from rock to rock, each one exploding into ash as soon as he left them. Carna swooped down towards him. He delivered a cutting blow to the face and Stay Puft fell into the lava. Carna zoomed away from the brink of death and up to the top of the mountain. The ledge was in sight. The Blue Eagle was bouncing around on the remains of the bridge. Carna prepared himself for the final leap, he let go of the broomstick and stretched his arms out…
A falling boulder collided with the broom. Carna was jolted away and he screamed as he fell for the second time into the abyss.
***************
“ Vinny, you fool!”
RaptorVinny500 watched Carna fall and he got up. He whistled tunelessly and weaved back to the Blue Eagle.
The others were in shock. They did not see what happened but they had all heard the piercing cry that Carna had sung before he fell.
“ I could do nothing for him,” lied RaptorVinny.
“ It’s okay Vinny,” croaked Snake-Mark. “ No-one blames you,”
“ Well,” said Seth Rex, “ Carna is dead – The S-Men is without a leader,”
The Host stood.
“ I shall assume command!” said Host bitterly. “ As I am the most experienced person here.”
No-one challenged this. Dan wiped away the tears in his eyes.
“ We have suffered a mighty blow!” said Dac gruffly, “ But, Carna lives on in our hearts. We must not now slow down our quest. We must continue.”
The others agreed and all bowed their heads in respect for Carna. Snake-Mark started up the Blue Eagle and started to drive across the rest of the narrow bridge. They had not gone half-way across before there a terrific rumbling.
Dark hunter looked around warily.
“ The mountain is collapsing!” he yelled. The bus accelerated, weaving through the falling debris. Spurts of fire gushed through the rock and the Eagle crashed through the side wall of the mountain into sunlight and blue sky.
******************
“ Oh well done!” squealed Spino_goin_down.
Majestic-1 lay Oviraptor’s body down on a rich leather couch.
“ And the money?” asked Majestic-1.
SGD turned towards Majestic-1.
“ I’ll give you a deal,”
“ No deal. Give me the money.” Said Majestic-1 slowly, his hand finding his way towards his HTML pistol.
“ No – listen. You’ll like this,” Continued SGD, “ Now that the King of Message Board is gone, who will rule it?”
“ The Steward I guess,” shrugged Majestic-1.
“ Wrong,” Smiled SGD, “ You could be King!”
Majestic-1 loosened his grip on his pistol. “ King?”
“ Yes, King!”
“ What do I have to do?”
“ Ride to Message Board! Into the city, up the castle steps, and say that you are the next in line to the throne!”
Something clicked in Majestic’s head. “ What about Aragorn?”
“ He is dead,”
Majestic-1 needed no more. He sped off, with his steed Jango Raptor.
SGD turned to Oviraptor.
“ Well, well, well. The King, himself.”
“ You’ll never get away with this!”
“ I already have, Ovi,” SGD laughed. He then drew his Ban-staff and obliterated Oviraptor into smoke and ash.
The operation was going smoothly.
******************
“ I still think he’s guilty,”
“ yup, PaulSF is definitely guilty,”
The twelve men of the jury was discussing PaulSF’s fate.
“ I think he’s innocent,” said Juror 8, Sinorsis. “I think this is what happened: the old man had heard the fight between PaulSF and the King a few hours earlier. Then, while lying in bed, he heard a body hit the floor in the Kings palace, and he heard the woman scream from across the street. He got up, he tried to get to the door, heard someone racing down the stairs and assumed it was PaulSF.”
“Assumed?! Now, listen to me, you people! I've seen all kinds of dishonesty in my day, but this little display takes the cake. You come in here with your heart bleeding all over the floor about slum kids and injustice, and you make up some wild stories, and all of a sudden, you start getting through to some of these weak-kneed...Well, you're not getting through to me! I've had enough! What's the matter with you people?! Every one of you knows this kid is guilty! He's gotta die! We're letting him slip through our fingers here!” growled Chavez.
“Slip through our fingers? Are you his executioner?” asked Sinorsis.
“ I’m one of them!”
“ Maybe you’d like to pull the switch?”
“ For this kid? You bet I would!”
“ I feel sorry for you,”
“ Don’t start with me,” warned Chavez.
“What it must feel like to want to kill someone yourself!”
“ Listen, you shut up!” Spat Chavez.
“Ever since we walked into this room, you've been behaving like a self-appointed public avenger!” Said Sinorsis.
“ I’m telling you now! Shut up!”
“You want to see this boy die because you personally want it, not because of the facts!” probed Sinorsis.
“ Shut Up!”
“ You’re a sadist!”
Chavez lunged at Sinorsis but he was restrained by a couple of remaining jury.
“ Let me go! I’ll kill him!”
“ You don’t really mean you’re going to kill me!” triumphed Sinorsis.
There was a silence among the jury.
Chavez sank into his chair.
“He's a common ignorant slob. He don't even speak good English.” Added Chavez.
“ He Doesn’t even speak good English.”
Three hours later, the jury walked back into the courtroom. PaulSF mumbled into his sleeve. When the judge read out the verdict of ‘not guilty’, PaulSF cried out with joy and ran into the street.
“ I’m free!” He yelled with joy. His joy was short lived though. When he saw who was walking into the city, he almost fainted. It was Majestic-1 and he was bearing a large campaign banner that read: ‘ MAJ3STIC 4 K1N6!”
A terrible realization dawned upon PaulSF. “ oh no,” he muttered.
*****************
“ Oh…my head,” mumbled Carna. He looked up at the sealed entrance above. “ We’re trapped. Vinny, that two-faced son of a jackal.!”
Carna pulled out the access code.
“Looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think there's something written here, but it's hard to make out.”
Carna rubbed the code with his sleeve. It started to glow and smoke billowed from the engravings.
A big blue form erupted from the code.
“Aaaaahhhhh! OY! Ten-thousand years will give ya such a crick in the neck!” It said. “ Whoa! Does it feel good to be out of there. Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen…Hi, where ya from? What’s your name?” The man pointed his microphone in Carna’s face.
“ Uh…Carna…” said Carna.
“ Say…you’re a lot smaller than my last master. Either that, or I’m getting bigger – look at me from the side – Do I look different to you?”
“ Wait a minute! I’m…I’m your master?”
The blue entity slapped a diploma in Carna’s hand and a mortarboard on his head.
“ That’s right! He can be taught! What would you wish of me – the ever impressive, long contained, often imitated but never duplicated…Drucifer67!”
Drucifer67 chuckled. “ right here direct from the code for your enjoyment wish fulfillment.”
“ Whoa wish fulfillment?” stumbled Carna.
“Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That's it--three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.”
“ You’re gonna grant me any three wishes I want?”
“Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos,”
“ Like?”
“ Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody so don't ask. Rule two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else. Rule three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture, I don't like doing it! Other than that, you got it!”
“Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes?” chuckled Carna, “Some all powerful genie--can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know - he probably can't even get me out of this cave. Looks like I’m gonna have to find a way out of here,”
“ Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up, did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're gettin' your wishes, so siddown!” Drucifer67 conjured a swirling vortex, “In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the swirling vortex. Weeee'rrrrrreee...outta here!”
**************
“ Oviraptor’s death was a terrible tragedy…but to lose Aragorn, who had only just begun to live…” Majestic-1 dropped his head as he stood on the balcony addressing the members of Message Board. “...For me it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era...”
Spammers started to drop into the city, their shadows casting eerie glows.
“ ...in which member and spammer come together, in a great and glorious future!” Finished Majestic-1. He rode to the summit of the palace and bellowed into the night.
PaulSF sat in his room listening. He wiped away a tear and reached up towards his photo of Aragorn. He rubbed his hand across it smearing the photo.
**************
TO BE CONTINUED……….
8/9/2004 8:31:16 PM
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