|
Oprahs flawed plot part one
By down
Tom Cal is a good person. He pays his taxes, votes for the next American idol, you know important things. But on night, his ass got shafted!
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour, a three hour tour………
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Minnow would be lost; the Minnow would be lost.
The ship took ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
with Gilligan, the Skipper too,
the Millionaire, and his Wife,
the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Ann,
here on Tom’s island.
Tom goes to his desk. A shoe is thrown at him through his front window.
Tom: Hells no!.
He goes to the door. He opens it. It’s his arch nemesis Dr.Phil.
Dr.Phil: Are you avoiding reality? I’m coming for you. You have been for warned.
Tom: I will not sleep for a minute until you are taken down dr.phil.
Dr.Phil: My boss, Oprah, is all knowing. You cannot infiltrate my studio. You fool. I spit on you. I spit on you for eternity!
Tom: Wanna come in and have a cup of tea old chap?
Dr.Phil: No, but would you like a piece of me?
Dr. Phil swings at Tom but he lunges under the blow. He knocks Phil down the hill leading to his door and he goes into the middle of traffic.
Dr.Phil: Well shit!
A car pummels the hell out of him. Several more cars pummel his carcass over and over.
Dr.Phil: I am going to die. Tom, you will face Oprahs three weapons of death. They will come for you.
Tom: I hate you!
Tom gets into his car and drives off to panama.
(Music plays “Hell, Goodbye” by the Beatles) while the credits roll and shops a map of Tom’s progress.
He takes a pit stop in Michagon. He fills up his gas tank. An employee comes up to him and ask him if he wants to take a survey. Tom accepts.
Employee: Question numero uno, what is my name you pansy?
Tom: Die!
Tom disembowels him with the gas pump. He drives off.
(Goodbye, Hello cuts off)
Tom thinks this is a sign. He forgets going to Panama and drive up to the upper most corner of Canada. He builds a shack that has about 70 square feet enough for his bed. He takes up a new hobby, Moose hunting. He becomes an expert. In Canada Tom stays for about 4 years. There he slips into a psychological path to hell. He looses his mind and goes half mad. Then one day he gets a letter in the mail. It’s from Chicago. He opens it by drooling foam on it (he got rabies from a Moose). He unfolds it. It is a letter from Oprah. It reads:
To Tommmmmmmm,
You cannot hide
I’ll bust yo ride
You’s a punk ass bitch
And I’m a 50-year-old witch
Please o please just run away
Ill give you a day
Love Oprah Mwah, hugs and kisses
Tom rips the note.
Tom: I must go to warm the Moose!
He goes deep into the woods. He finds his husstlin group o trickin moose’s
Tom: Moose’s, I must leave. May I ride one of you to Florida, I will be safe there.
One moose named Ipoop responds. He has a British accent.
Ipoop: Indeed good sir. I shall take thee to thy destination for a price.
Tom: What, anything.
Ipoop: I just need 50 g’s.
Tom: No.
Ipoop: Well it was worth a try. Lets go!
(Map of America is shown. The song Friday, Im in love by the cure plays. It is a remix version with Lil Jon)
6/10/2004 6:06:34 PM
Comment on this fan fiction!
|
|
|
