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Internal Affairs Part Two
By The Host
I'm speeding through this. Here's the next twelve minutes' worth -- that takes us to 24 minutes, which will really be more like thirty, since I habven't yet written the opening political commericals. I intend to pare this section down significantly when I've finished the entire screenplay, though, and any suggestions you could make would be greatly appreciated.
EXT. REGIOPOLIS COLLEGE -- DAY
We see Regiopolis College from above: ivy-covered nineteenth-century buildings of limestone and brick cowering under low-end concrete Bauhaus disasters of the sixties and seventies, with the occasional stately oak -- now leafless -- springing up from the asphalt greenspace. Hundreds of STUDENTS drift down the central avenue going from class to class. Holden Getty narrates over all.
GETTY (V.O.)
So that’s how this whole Goddamn thing began. Well, not really -- I mean, any beginning is gonna be arbitrary, right? I could always go back two years, to when I first decided I was gonna run--
INT. DORM ROOM -- NIGHT
Getty, bundled in a thick knit sweater, holds the telephone to his ear in the center of his tiny, cluttered room.
PECKARD (V.O.)
Dude, we should totally run for student government exec.
FREEZE FRAME before Getty can respond.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
That’s Damien Peckard on the phone; you’ll meet him later. Anyway, he meant it as a joke. I didn’t get it. Two years later I still didn’t. I soon would.
INT. HOUSE OF LORDS PUB -- NIGHT
We DOLLY through the bar, crowded with students in designer clothes, until we come to a table with an obviously-drunk Getty, beer in hand, facing JAMES WILLIAMSON -- a strapping, handsome young man.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Of course, I also could’ve started the story a year ago. That’s Williamson. His reputation precedes him.
Williamson leans towards Getty and speaks with quiet intensity.
WILLIAMSON
Holden, I know I don’t really know you well, and you don’t really know me -- but listen: I’m going to be president of this student union in a year’s time. Mark my words.
GETTY
I’m running too.
WILLIAMSON
Really?
GETTY
Yeah. Say--
WILLIAMSON
You’re gonna be Commissioner next year. You know you’re a shoe-in for the job, then you’ll be a shoe-in for President.
Getty reaches across the table and shakily places a hand on Williamson’s shoulder.
GETTY
Let’s not -- Listen, why don’t you be my vice-president? You can run again after that.
WILLIAMSON
You’re a Democrat.
GETTY
Yeah. You’re a Republican?
WILLIAMSON
Uh-huh.
GETTY
That a problem?
Williamson sits back in his chair, smiling slyly.
WILLIAMSON
No. I’m thinking we can get ‘em both.
EXT. REGIOPOLIS COLLEGE -- DAY
Getty and Larry walk along the college’s main avenue on a sunny winter’s day.
LARRY
Really? You asked him to run with you?
GETTY
Yeah.
LARRY
Don’t you know who he is?
GETTY
No. Not really. I’ve heard his nickname at Model UN was The Walking--
LARRY
STD. What were you thinking?
GETTY
I thought I might remove an obvious contender from the race and appeal to students across the ideological divide. Okay, I was really fuckin’ drunk. At least he was too. Probably won’t remember it.
LARRY
Williamson doesn’t drink.
GETTY
Bullshit he doesn’t. He’s always at the Lords Pub.
LARRY
All for effect. He doesn’t drink a drop. He’s very Christian.
GETTY
His nickname’s The Walking STD!
LARRY
Well, he’s not that Christian.
EXT. REGIOPOLIS COLLEGE -- DAY
We see the college again from above.
GETTY (V.O.)
So that didn’t work out. But, I decided to start this story at the Alumni Dinner, like I said, and now we’re getting side-tracked. Sorry about that -- I do it all the time. Anyway, let’s just get on with things. Welcome to the Regiopolis College Students Memorial Union Building: home to the offices of our student government and the Commission of Internal Affairs.
INT. HALLWAY -- DAY
As Simon’s song comes to an end we find ourselves in a short, wide, lifeless hallway which links the entrance of the building with the central lobby. WE MOVE THROUGH A DOOR into an adjoining corridor, brightly-lit and lined with well-furnished offices. Already we can hear a HUB-BUB -- it’s coming from the first door on the left, wide open. Through that door is--
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- CONTINUOUS
The Commission of Internal Affairs: a large office with two desks, one at either end; three computers; several large filing cabinets; and a dozen or so office chairs. The recently-renovated office is neatly-kept, in contrast to the human tempest brewing within. There’s DAVID GOSSE, the lanky and earnest younger brother to Barry, who is now seated at the computer laughing as he looks up some inane joke on the internet; Getty stands over his shoulder. Next to Getty is JOHN MATHEWS, tall and ostentatious, looking on with interest. FREDDIE CARTER is looking through the filing cabinet: she’s tall and intimidating; great body but a boyish face and mannish hair. She finds what she’s looking for and, with a single swift movement, snatches it away and slams the drawer shut, announcing her discovery to no one in particular. Only BOB GIBBONS notices, and only for a second -- he’s a heavy-set guy standing and speaking with the sixth and final figure in the room, JAI JAFFREY, skinny and bespectacled, who inhabits the seat at the office’s far desk.
FREEZE FRAME; the CAMERA MOVES throughout the room, focusing on each person as Getty introduces them.
GETTY (V.O.)
Okay, I’m back, and sooner than I thought. Sorry about that. I just figured some explanation might be necessary about how our student government works and just who the hell these people are, and I could try to work it in the sitcom way--
INT. LIVING ROOM -- DAY -- BLACK & WHITE
TOMMY DELANEY, a wholesome fifties father-type, comes through the front door of a retro fifties living room and lifts his hat, a goofy grin plastered across his face, as he’s greeted by HAPPY JONES, whose head sticks out of a tartan sweater.
HAPPY
Why, hello, there, Tommy Delaney, you forty-two-year-old clumsy but lovable ad executive who’s just moved to the suburbs with his beautiful young homemaker wife and two precocious children, you!
TOMMY
Why, if it isn’t Happy Jones, my zany and mischievous next-door neighbor who’s always concocting some sort of wacky plan that’ll get us both in trouble with our wives in a manner that’s easily resolvable in twenty-two minutes, not including commercials. How do you do, Happy?
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
We return to the office.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
But I figured it’d be best if I just told you straight up.
WE PUSH IN ON GETTY.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
This, as you’ve probably figured out by now, is me. I’m Commissioner of Internal Affairs, which means I oversee the internal workings of our student government. I’m officially third-in-command, which means that if the president and vice-president should mysteriously vanish, a) I’d become president and b) this narration never happened. And this is my Commission, which means I’m the boss. Tony Danza ain’t got nothing on me.
WE PUSH IN ON JOHN.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
That’s John Mathews, Deputy Commissioner -- my second-in-command. His job is to keep the troops motivated, make sure I don’t screw up, and take over if I should happen to like, oh I don’t know, run for election or something. I first met him at a kegger--
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
The party is wild; hundreds of sweating, heaving bodies pressed against each other, dancing to OutKast’s HEY YA! Meanwhile, Getty stands at the front of a long beer line; Mathews, standing behind a table, pours the good stuff into two plastic cups and passes one of them to Getty, even as a tall black guy drunkenly paws at our protagonist.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
He was pouring, I was drinking. Well, we were both drinking.
They clink cups; Mathews cocks his eyebrow and points at Getty just as both of them throw back their beers. They chug, chug, chug; Getty finishes first, burps, passes it back for a refill. Mathews obliges; the black guy nearly swoons.
MONTAGE
Several shots of Mathews and Getty meeting at various bars and drinking events, always with the same ritual: the clink, the point, the eyebrow, the chug.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
I met him eight or ten times over the next two months. I never knew his name -- he was just the beer guy. So I was kinda surprised when he showed up looking for a job.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
GETTY sits next to attractive student government vice-president NICOLA CROSSMAN. Across the polished conference room table John lounges in a ruffled suit.
NICOLA
So, John, the first question: what would you say is your greatest strength?
JOHN
(Very loudly)
Definitely my ability to communicate effectively.
FREEZE FRAME: Getty and Nicola are taken aback by the volume level.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
I didn’t know if he was any good, but he sure was loud. And I know what you’re thinking -- I only hired him because I knew him. Well, that’s not true at all. I knew all the applicants. I hired John because I knew him the least. I mean, I knew all the others well enough to know that they’d completely fuck up the position. All I knew about John was that he had a serious drinking problem and a tendency to be obnoxiously loud at inopportune times which, relatively speaking, isn’t so bad.
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
WE PUSH IN ON DAVID.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Now, this is David Gosse, little brother to Barry, the guy I want to run with.
INT. PHOTO STUDIO
Barry and David and their family pose for a family photo.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
David’s job is to oversee the election, so he’d have to resign if his brother ran -- conflict of interest and all that jazz. Of course it’s not a conflict of interest for him if I run. After all, I’m only his boss.
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
WE ZOOM OVER TO FREDDIE.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
That’s Freddie Carter. We’re pretty good friends, I guess.
INT. CLASSROOM -- NIGHT
Freddie, wearing a revealing school uniform, speaks aggressively with wild hand gestures before four boys in uniforms of their own -- one sitting next to her, two across, and in the middle is Holden Getty.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
I met her in high school. Debating. She’s the usual debater type: swaggering over-confidence, pretentious polysyllabism, and dripping sexuality all conceal a terribly frightened girl. That’s also, incidentally, the typical student government type. Of course I like to think that I’m not the usual debater student government type, but don’t we all?
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
Getty continues.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Anyway, Carter’s the Chief Electoral Officer. It’s David’s job to run the election; it’s Carter’s job to make sure it’s run fairly -- to hear complaints, settle disputes, and enforce the rules. Frankly, I think she got the easier job of the two. David’s gotta be organized, efficient, and dedicated. Carter’s just gotta be just. The tricky thing, though, is that while she works in my office, I’m not her boss.
At this point the people in the office form a living organizational chart, with everyone connected directly to -- and below -- Getty, save Carter, who is connected only by a dotted line.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
No, she answers to the Assembly -- that’s a body of elected representatives from each faculty who meet biweekly to debate the grammar of motions designed to amend arcane and useless bits of policy into even more arcane and useless bits of policy, all so that they can pretend they’re doing real work when really they’re just passing time until the pub opens.
We see a line drawn from Carter to a group of about forty ASSEMBLY MEMBERS. We ZOOM QUICKLY IN on the crowd, picking out two familiar faces -- Larry and Barry -- before ZOOMING BACK OUT.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Larry and Barry are both members of the Assembly -- Larry’s the president of the Arts Students Society and Barry’s president of the Engineering Students Society. This, of course, means that they must remain at all times completely neutral and totally uninvolved in elections. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
Now another line is drawn from the Assembly down to GLENN PARKS, who looks like a handsome forty-eight-year-old trapped in a twenty-two-year-old body. Below him is Nicola Crossman.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Also answering to the Assembly is our student government president Glenn Parks, and answering to him is vice-president Nicola Corssman. They hired me, but I voted for the other guys.
Now another line extends out from Nicola, dividing into ten separate lines all going to COUNCIL MEMBERS, including Tim, Derek, and -- coming full circle -- Getty. We DOLLY PAST THEM ALL.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Finally, there’s Council -- sort of like our cabinet. That’s Tim Matheson, and Derek Pyle -- by the way, the security guards eventually let them back into the hotel, so aside from a wicked hangover they’re both pretty much okay now -- and then there’s Lacey O’Hearn, Rahool Bhatia, Emma Potter, Darren Leung, and a couple of others. Look, don’t worry if you don’t remember their names -- they don’t matter, and I mean that in the profoundest sense.
Now we’re back to Getty, and we follow a line extending from him to Bob Gibbons. Focusing on Gibbons we return to--
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- CONTINUOUS
The office. Getty continues his narration.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
That’s Bob Gibbons. I’ve known him since he was a freshman and I was a sophmore. Back then he had low self-esteem and a bit of a persecution complex, but he finally decided to do something about it last summer.
INT. GYM -- DAY
Gibbons huffs and puffs on a treadmill; suddenly it starts going faster and faster so that he can’t keep up. He throws himself off of it.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
He lost forty pounds, bought some new sunglasses and a used Audi, and found himself a girlfriend. He’s still got low self-esteem and a persecution complex, but he now knows forty ways to prepare alfalfa, and he’s getting more sex than I am.
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
Finally, WE PUSH IN ON JAI.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Finally there’s Jai Jaffrey. He and Bob are both prosecutors, but what they do doesn’t really matter; all that matters right now is that they work for me. And that they’re housemates. And that they’re best friends. And that they both secretly hate each other -- except neither of them really keeps it a secret. They just don’t talk about it to each other. Anyway, Jai used to have a stick up his ass, and frankly he still does, but he’s loosened up a bit.
INT. PHOTO STUDIO
Jai -- in the full uniform of a Power Ranger -- poses awkwardly and dramatically for a photographer.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
He also claims that he was almost cast as a Power Ranger. I have no clue who laced his bubble tea with LSD that day.
INT. COMMISSION OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS -- DAY
We ZOOM OUT, back to the initial freeze frame, while Getty wraps up.
GETTY (V.O., CONT’D)
Okay, that’s it from me. Sorry for keeping you from the story, but I suck at exposition. Look, I promise I’ll try to keep out of the proceedings for now on -- I mean, I feel like I’m turning into my friend Brian from back home who always pauses movies to explain them to us, in case we can’t follow them ourselves. Condescending prick. So, yeah, sorry. Let’s get back to it. Ready? All right, here we go.
The scene goes back to full speed.
CARTER
All right, kiddies, I’m out.
Getty and Bob and David all mutter their salutations; John laughs at whatever he sees on the screen; Jai and Bob return to their conversation. After a minute, John stands up and walks over to a nearby water cooler to fill the cup in his hand; Getty whispers quickly in David’s ear.
GETTY
David, I’ve gotta talk to you privately as soon as possible.
David looks up at him.
DAVID
Now?
Getty seals his lips and nods as John comes back. David, understanding, pushes out of his chair.
DAVID
Well, that’s it. You can have the computer, John. I’m going home.
He wraps his scarf around his neck and grabs his winter coat.
GETTY
Here, I wanna grab a drink; I’ll walk with you. Back in a minute, guys.
John just nods as Getty and David leave together.
INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS
David pulls on his jacket as they walk.
DAVID
What’s up?
GETTY
Let’s go to the Lords.
DAVID
It’s important?
GETTY
Yeah. It is.
So that's it. Please comment!
-H
11/30/2004 3:44:25 AM
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