|
How We Got to Where We Are
By The Host
Okay, so nobody's going to read Triumvirate. I can accept that.
Okay, really, I can't I'm a bitter, twisted man. But I will try posting something shorter in the hope that somebody, somewhere, will actually give this one a glance and a comment.
And then that person, being a right-headed young man or lady, will go and read Triumvirate . . . The Really Big Show!
Okay, my shameless plugging is making me nauseous. Here's a little ditty I wrote in eleventh grade, edited slightly back in February, and had printed in my university's newspaper. Let me know what you think.
==========================================
HOW WE GOT TO WHERE WE ARE
AND:
WHERE WE GO FROM HERE
OR:
THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN FIVE HUNDRED WORDS OR LESS
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.
Well, that’s not entirely true.
Modern science would point out the flaws in this first sentence of the Holy Bible, primary religious text of hundreds of millions of humans in the year AD2001. It would revise the statement thus: About fourteen billion years ago, God created the heaven, and then the earth just sort of assembled itself from stardust some nine billion years later. In between, several billions of stars and galaxies and black holes and planets and assorted other cosmic phenomena assembled themselves, and interacted, and many were destroyed, and many others created in their wake and, in short, lots of stuff happened that surely has had a great impact the growth of human society (allowing the self-assembly of the Earth to take place and securing my existence and your existence and whatnot), but which we all take for granted anyway, and will continue to do so because, hey, why knock it if it’s worked so far, and so we’ll agree to ignore all of that and leave it to the Stephen Hawkings of this world to puzzle out.
A little less than four billion years ago, life suddenly appeared on the earth in the form of simple single-celled creatures living underwater. That is not to say Stockwell Day was SCUBA™ diving back then. [AUTHOR'S NOTE: Stockwell Day is a right-wing Canadian politician, briefly leader of the Canadian Alliance, our furthest-right federal party, who, when trying to present a youthful image to the public during his election campaign, arrived at a press conference on a jet ski in a wet suit. Erm, the wet suit was on Stockwell, not the jet ski. -Host]
Apparently getting bored with the ocean world, or perhaps angst-ridden at their lack of opportunities for professional advancement, somewhat more complex creatures decided one day to crawl onto land. And then more and more varied and complex creatures arrived, and tended to eat each other until they all disappeared and were replaced by even more varied and more complex creatures. Then man arrived (politically correct: humanity; scientifically correct: homo sapien sapien), arguably the most complex creature of them all, and tended to eat all of the other animals, and then kill them for the damned fun of it, and stuff them with, well, whatever it is animals are stuffed with, and then place them in threatening positions in their living rooms to make it look like their feat and bravado had both been much greater than they were; and as a result man was not replaced with even more varied and more complex creatures, but instead humans killed all of the varied and complex creatures on the earth, and then each other, and then, because they really had nothing better to do, themselves; and then they moved to a new planet which they called ‘Springfield’ because it just seemed to be the right name for a planet, and reached the height of their artistic glory and continued to live in war and poverty and inexplicable cynicism until they were wiped out by the Helioxtos, a race of aliens that very much resembled McDonald’s signature Big Mac, a tasteless and un-nourishing meal that was therefore very popular back on earth in the year AD2002, which is about the time we now find ourselves in. For better or for worse.
==========================================
So that's that. Comments welcome/requested/pathetically begged for.
-The Host
8/17/2002 1:30:31 AM
Comment on this fan fiction!
|
|
|
