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Madness Ch. 1
By RaptorClaw
This is a story of courage, honor, and romance. Of vengeance gone awry and intelligence wasted. Of good and evil, light vs. dark. Of redemption, and utter doom…
Ha! Not really!! And I bet you thought you were gonna read a “serious story” HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Not. This story’s plot starts out simple, but when the members dig deeper into the conspiracy, well, this is a story that will grab you in and never let go! Ever! Hahahaha!! Then it will beat you with iron rods, hang you up by your toenails and paint your eyeballs pink! But I digress…
It all started long, long ago… In a land far, far, away…
EXACTLY 5 MINUTES AGO: TEXAS, AMERICA
It was just another ordinary day for Dino-Snore. He was sitting in his house, checking up on stuff at Dan’s JP3 Page. Unfortunately, things weren’t going so well at Dan’s Page. Apparently, the people who wrote the script for JP4 were all idiots or SOMETHING. The beginning sounded okay, but the rest… well… it just sounded dumb, and depressed a lot of fellow members. Sighing, he continued to mess around on the message board.
A snapping sound was heard, and a cow crashed through his ceiling, dry wall dust flowing everywhere. Dino-Snore took little notice of it, he lived in Texas after all. However, the sudden quivering of the bovine’s chest did demand a little attention. After all, how many times have you seen a dead cow’s stomach shake? Yawning, Dino-Snore got up and slowly walked over to the carcass. Trying not to step in any nails from the shattered ceiling, he knelt down and took a closer look at the animal.
Dino-Snore was knocked back as the creatures chest exploded in gooey blood and dairy fresh milk. It was… a baby Alien! Dino-Snore took a deep breath. He knew what he must do.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He ran as fast as he could, throwing the door open and running outside. Realizing this was not the best course of action, he ran back inside, dialed 911 on the phone, and screamed at the police instead.
“Hi, police? Yeah, there’s an Alien in my house, just came out of the cow, and anyway he… hello? Helloooo?” frowning, Dino-Snore put down the phone. He figured they must have rushed off to his home. Aliens were rather scary after all. He realized he had forgotten about the little creature. Turning just in time too see it careening at him, he grabbed a nearby lamp. When the beast jumped, Dino-Snore swatted it with a lamp into the wall. Taking a closer look, he realized it wasn’t a baby Alien after all, but a 6-foot robot assassin! Dino-Snore frowned. Why didn’t he notice that before? Wondering why the lamp had worked, he saw the answer. The lamp had struck the robot directly in the kidney. Of course. Everyone knows robot assassins cannot survive a kidney punch. He stood up and cracked his knuckles. Robot Assassins never fight alone.
Sure enough, the more ‘bots smashed through his front door, which he had left unlocked. The all prepared for a cool kung-fu story action sequence.
“Hiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Dino-Snore threw himself at the first robot, punching it simply the kidney. The robots body froze up, sparks of elecrtricity firing everywhere. Then the assassin’s head exploded and he fell over. The second robot assassin backhanded Dino-Snore, sending him sprawling onto the floor. Dino-Snore countered with a whirling kick, knocking over the robot. When the ‘bot hit the ground DS head butted him in the kidney.
“Krzzzzt…. TRANSMISSION, doot doot doot,” bleeped the final robot.
“Dude just talk normal…” Dino-Snore sighed.
“Right, um… YOU WILL NOT GATHER OTHER MEMBERS OF DANS JP3 PAGE AND SAVE THE JURASSIC PARK FRANCHISE FROM EVIL, because now, I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!”
“Oh yeah? Well…” Dino-Snore stopped, “Waitaminute… what do you mean… evil… franchise… members… NOT??? You mean JP isn’t going down the toilet because of sleazy Hollywood dirtballs, but because of EVIL sleazy Hollywood dirtballs? I should gather other DJP3P members and save the JP franchise!!”
The Assassin cursed. “Gah!!! I shouldn’t have said that!! Now I should kill you!! Because you know things!! Because I must kill everyone who knows things… because… because…”
Dino-Snore took this moment to launch an attack against the assassin. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell flat on his face when he tried to do a cool Matrix-style off-the-wall jump kick. Fortunately however, the assassin punched himself in the kidney due to the fact of his never-ending paradox that he should kill himself because he knew things. Go figure.
Standing up, Dino-Snore realized he must do exactly what the robot said not to do. Because that is human nature. Walking off into the horizon, Dino-Snore would gather up the other members of DJP3P. He just hoped they knew how to punch kidneyless automatons in the kidney area…thing…
OUTBACK DESERT, AUSTRALIA
Dac frowned. The battle with the robot assassins had been too easy. It was almost like they were bait. Bait for something more… not…not so easy. Luckily, he had learned of their plan to destroy the Jurassic Park franchise by screwing up Jurassic Park 4
“Dino-dude,” Dac called, “where are we?”
Dino-Dude roared, “It’s not Dino-dude, it’s Dino-Dude!! Dino-Dude!!”
Dac cocked his head, “Um… what’s the difference?”
“You didn’t capitalize the second ‘D’” Dino-Dude remarked. “And to answer your original question… I don’t know.”
“I think we’re in the desert,” Dac noted, “It’s just… well… there’s a lot of desert in Australia…” That there is. The Outback stretches for miles and miles. Or… y’know, kilometers and kilometers… whatever…
SETH’S HOUSE, AMERICA
Seth Rex’s attention was interrupted by a sharp knock on his door. He pressed pause on his DVD player and opened it. He was greeted by RaptorHiss. Which isn’t as weird as you probably think.
“Hi,” said Seth, “check out his awesome movie I’m watchin’” RaptorHiss walked in and sat down on the couch.
“What’s it called?” RaptorHiss asked. Seth frowned.
“I’m not sure…” He pressed play. RaptorHiss’ eyes widened and he sat straight up.
“You idiot! This is off The Ring!!! THIS IS THE MOVIE THAT’S CURSED, IF YOU WATCH IT YOU DIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he screamed.
“Hah… whatever dude…” As Seth said that, the screen changed to a picture of a well. Suddenly, out of the well came a young girl. She kept walking toward the screen until… she came out of the TV set!! Seth shouted in surprise.
“Quick quick,” muttered RaptorHiss, “turn it off, turn it off!” Fumbling with the remote, Seth punched in a number. Suddenly, the girl turned staticy, as did the TV screen.
“Uh-oh,” murmured Seth quietly.
“What?” RaptorHiss asked.
“I didn’t hit the Off button… I hit the change DVD button…” RaptorHiss’ eyes narrowed.
“What other DVD did you have in the player?” he asked. Seth Rex grimaced.
“The Star Wars Trilogy…” At that moment, the fuzzy imaged of the girl began to change. It got taller. And wider. And larger all around. It got darker. And there, in Seth Rex’s living room, stood one of the most terrible villains of all time.
“I’m… FREE!” Seth Rex’s jaw dropped. Darth Vader was in his house. And he probably wasn’t there to give them ice cream…
OKLAHOMA, AMERICA
“So THAT’S what it was…” thought Dino-Snore. He had headed north, to search for more American recruits for his team. He hadn’t found any, but he had found something else.
It was about 60 feet tall, a giant robot. Too clunky to be an assassin droid, but Dino-Snore recognized one thing. It had a large cannon on it’s back, which was firing away dead cows. Dino-Snore knew those cows were probably each filled with assassin robots. But who was the target? He knew they were probably Dan’s Page members, so he quickly ran toward the machine. When he got within 20 feet or so, It finally noticed him.
“MUST DESTROY DANS PAGE MEMBERS! Beep boop boop! MUST TALK IN STUPID CLICHÉ ROBOT VOICE! Boop beep boop!” the robot said.
Dino-Snore knew exactly what to do, he ran up to the robot, and punched him right in the kidney.
“AAAAAH OW,” winced Dino-Snore. Who would think punching dense iron would hurt so much? Shaking his hand, he looked up to notice the machine still standing. It would take more than a kidney punch to beat this dude. The robots Cow Cannon took aim.
“DESTROY! CLICHÉ! DESTROY! CLICHÉ!” the robot chanted. Dino-Snore shut his eyes and looked down. The sound of the shot echoed through the country…
Or at least for a mile or two…
AREA 51 1/2 , AMERICA
Amber couldn’t move. Not two minutes ago he was sitting inside his house. Suddenly, he was attacked by robot assassins. And in the blink of an eye, he appeared here instead! He couldn’t imagine what was going on, and it was very dark in the room. All of a sudden, the lights came on. He realized he wasn’t alone. Looking around the room, he saw Dino-Snore, Edgar, Ben Jango-Raptor, Mr. Camel, Guilty Spark, The Crow, Parasaur.w, Seth Rex, RaptorHiss, KillerRaptor, and Stealthraptor2!!! He had never actually seen any of them ever before, but he guessed what they look like.
“What’s going on?” whispered Amber to Dino-Snore. “Where are we?”
Dino-Snore shrugged. “I don’t know man, I thought I was dead!” he frowned, “you’re not dead, are you?
“No…”
“Cool then I’m probably not dead either,”
“None of you are dead!” That voice came from the shadows. A guy walked out, wearing all black.
“I am Dan Finkelstein!” the man said.
“Hehehehe… Finkelstein!” giggled KillerRaptor. Dan immediately pointed a scepter he was holding at KillerRaptor. KillerRaptor exploded.
“Does anyone else think I have a funny last name?” Nobody did. “Good. I’ve warped you all here using a Teleportation Satellite I put up a few years ago ‘cause I was bored. I’ve called you because I’ve uncovered a plot that… dun dun dun! Someone is trying to sabotage the Jura-“
“We know,” the group said in unison. “The Jurassic Park franchise…”
“Um…” Dan glanced around, “that wasn’t what I was going to say!”
“Was too!” yelled Dino-Snore, immediately regretting it when Dan aimed his scepter. However, Dan just let out a deep breath and put it back to his side.
“Anyway, you guys are the top members of my site,” he glanced at Guilty Spark, “more or less…”
“Haha! Burn!” laughed Ben.
“Right…well… you have to go and stop this madness! You must round up two more members of this site from each of the other 3 English-speaking countries. My Teleport Phone Satellite doesn’t reach out of country… stupid ranging… anyhow, find them, then find the cause of the destruction of JP4! I’ve got an agent waiting near the first stop… but… I can’t get through to him. Every time I try to warp him out, it doesn’t work. And when my radar scans his house, I get this weird cow shaped symbol…” Dino-Snore’s eyes widened. So that’s what the robot was shooting at!”
“Well,” Dan smiled, “Go!” Everyone looked puzzled.
“Go?” asked Edgar.
“Go,” and with that, Dan pressed a button. Instantly all the members were warped out of the building. Dan sighed, “Jurassic Park is screwed…”
THE END
Oh wait… I mean…
TO BE CONTINUED
IN ANOTHER STORY
THAT WILL COME LATER
WHEN I TYPE IT
AND STUFF
10/22/2004 3:19:54 PM
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