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Jurassic Park: Wild Boyz
By Panos
We, the Wild Boyz, Chris Pontius, and I, myself: Steve-O have taken on almost all of Mother Nature’s wildlife, and all the adventures that Earth has to offer. Don’t believe us? Stay up and watch us at 3 in the morning on MTV. We have humped man-eating sharks, raced with cheetahs, and eaten elephant shit because it tastes good...to jungle insects. Music television has one most place for us to go to, and that, my friends, is Jurassic Park: Site B. An island infested with flesh eating dinosaurs, and the dark secrets of the InGen corporation. Now let’s travel to Site B and get a hands on approach with the dinosaurs!
“You probably want to whack them off!” Chris said.
“Shutup dickwayd!” I told him back. “Let the documentary begin...”
SPIT OR SWALLOW?
This island is inhabited with dinosaurs. But dinosaurs died out 65,000,000 years ago...
“Wait,” I said. “What’s this? The first dinosaur on the tour?”
It was a dilophosaurus. “This little critter is from the early Jurassic. Experts and field experience shows that this dinosaur spits, while us, the Wild Boyz believe it also
swallows.”
Chris and I circled the peeping creature, as it kept a steady watch on us both as we got closer and closer to it. It seemed to have no interest in us (at the moment) but did not want us to cross paths with it. “Hey, baby,” I said. “My name is Stevey.” I pulled down
my pants to show off my leopard skin underwear. “Go down on me and I’ll make you famous for 15 minutes.”
The dinosaur immediately lunged forward and sunk its teeth into my garbage, and ripped out the rolled up sock I had in there. It tore the sock to bits and spit it out, and then spit a
large amount of venom at Chris’s face.
“Sorry folks, we’ll be right back after this short break...”
FLAT
There is a place in Site B, where its usually clam. This place is called the Flat Lands.
This is where the brachiosaurs roam. And these dinosaurs are flatter then Natalie Portman. But that’s not why we came here. The Flat Lands has to offer some of the largest brachiosaur herds ever on Site B. And that means it also has to offer the largest
shit piles too.
“We like to play a sport called...shitball. We take a baseball bat (tree branch) and hit the
dino shit as hard as we can, when thrown by the pitcher.
“Bet you can’t hit it out of this park!” Chris laughed.
“Screw this. Lets go shower together like we always do.” I said.
“Sure!”
DO NOT MOVE. CHRIS CANNOT
We were just taking a shower under a waterfall and having sex, but now we’re being
chased by a tyrannosaurus.
“Don’t move,” Chris said. “He can’t see us if we cannot move!”
Both of us froze. The tyrannosaurus approached and started to smell us up. It was aroused. Especially by my leopard skin underwear.
I whispered, “Don’t move. And we’ll be okay.”
In the distance, our camera man jumped onto the MTV helicopter and flew off. Leaving us here, still as Christopher Reeve himself. Shit.
“See you next week folks!”
1/7/2004 10:58:26 PM
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