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Dino-Life SE 01
By Mr.Camel
Dino-Life
Chapter 01: Welcome to Edgar’s World
Written By Mr. Camel 02.01.05 - 04.01.05 * 11 pages
This episode is a spoof of: Jurassic Park, Half-Life, Christmas Vacation, James Bond, Captain Ron
July 16 – 09:12
SMRF Helicopter
Dr. JPJunkee stared out of the small helicopter window at the desert. The ride was boring. This was his first ride on a helicopter, and he hated it. He couldn’t even sleep or read because the noise was too loud. He glanced down at his watch irritably: only fifteen minutes until 09:30, the estimated time of arrival.
Junkee was a paleontologist, and had been in Arizona for the past few summers. He was used to these desert climates. He had just uncovered a new species when this guy had called him up, too. That’s why he was now on this helicopter.
The Silver Mesa Research Facility had funded him for the last few years. He had never really looked into what it was, though. They offered him money, so he took it. And even if he had tried to find out what SMRF was, he wouldn’t find much. He now at least knew that it was a private-owned research facility, not governmental.
From what he had found out so far, the Silver Mesa Research Facility originated as a fertilizer plant back in the 1930s. In the early 1950s the government had bought it and the fertilizer plant was destroyed. In its place a missile silo was built. As the Cold War progressed, it was expanded. During the early 1970s the government also began nuclear research here. It continued to expand even more. Eventually, in 1995, a very wealthy man bought the facility off of the government. The facility had now expanded even more, and did all types of research: alternative energy sources, cloning, quantum physics, weapon technology, and probably much more.
And yesterday the man had called him, telling him that he wanted him to see some of their newest research. And that a helicopter would come to pick him up at the airport the next morning. And that if he didn’t come, his funding would be terminated. He had found their website on the Internet, where he had found out about the history of SMRF. But he still had no idea why they wanted him here.
Among Junkee in the helicopter were several other people: Yvonne- a reporter for the New York Times, Martin Randle- a British 3D artist, Host- a historian, Fordprefect- a mathematician, and Ambrose- a lawyer. Junkee couldn’t make any sense of it, why such an assortment of people would be wanted here…
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:16
Sector X Elevator
Rick Arnold walked to the elevator. Just as he reached it, the elevator crashed down, someone inside screaming. It exploded upon reached the bottom, and Arnold saw smoke rising up. Now how would he get up? Unless…
Arnold kicked the glass out of the elevator door and crawled through. He looked around the elevator shaft and saw a ladder on the side of the wall. But it was about three feet from where he was. He could just barely reach it. If the door wasn’t in the way, then he could probably reach it more easily. The door was all glass, except for the steel frames, which also ran through the middle of the doorway. If he could open the doors, or at least get the frame in the middle off, he could do it.
Rick Arnold tried to push the doors open with his hands, but they shut again immediately after he let go. Arnold sighed, and looked for another way to open the door. He noticed that a retinal scanner was next to it. The door this morning had opened after the guard had kicked the scanner. Rick Arnold backed up and dropkicked the scanner. Other than denting, it did nothing.
Maybe he’d have to have his eyes scanned first. Arnold bent over by the scanner and put his eyes into it.
The scanner beeped before saying, “Access denied.”
Arnold kicked the scanner again. Nothing happened. But he had another idea. He scanned his eyes again.
Again, the scanner beeped and said, “Access den—“
The sentence was ended by Arnold kicking the scanner again, this time while it was active. It beeped loudly and the doors retreated into the walls.
Rick Arnold climbed back into the doorway, this time with much more space. He leapt over to the ladder and began to climb up.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:27
SMRF Helicopter
The helicopter descended onto the landing pad. Dust and dirt blew into the air everywhere. It reached the ground, and the sound began to diminish. They all began to unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the helicopter.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:28
Sector X Elevator
After climbing sixty feet up the ladder, Rick Arnold finally reached the top. He pulled himself up onto the floor. He began to rest, but then noticed a peculiar smell. He sat up and looked down the hall. Just five feet away from him was the dead body of the security guard he had seen earlier. He lay in a pool of blood.
Rick Arnold was suddenly very frightened. What had killed the security guard? What were the things in the dream, and what did they mean? What was happening?
Arnold stood. He had to get out of here. He began to move away from the elevator, and away from the guard. He then noticed a small crab like creature ten feet in front of him. It was the first thing he had seen in his dream.
Well… it didn’t look too danger—Arnold noticed blood on the end of its claws. It was dangerous. Arnold began to back away. He suddenly fell onto the ground after stepping into the slick pool of blood. He turned his head to see the dead eyes of the security guard staring at him. Arnold pushed himself away, breathing deeply. The crab moved closer… and then it leapt into the air, and landed on the security guards face. Arnold watched in horror as the crab began to envelope the security guard’s head inside of itself. Soon the security guard’s entire head was lost inside of the crab’s body. His body slowly began to transform. Rick began to run away, but slid in the growing pool of blood, again. He hit his head on the wall, and slid into unconsciousness.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:34
SMRF Helipad
The tourists stepped off of the helicopter, onto the helipad. They were greeted by two men. One was older, in his early sixties. He had white hair and wore all white. He introduced himself as Edgar. The other man was tall and thin, probably in his mid forties. He introduced himself as Ben.
Edgar and Ben led them over to two jeeps, which sat in the desert, both equipped with a driver. The tourists piled into the jeeps, and they began to move.
July 16 – 09:37
ITIA Headquarters, Seattle
The International Tactical Intelligence Agency (ITIA) Headquarters was located in Seattle. It was a new looking eight-story building. The ITIA was a relatively new and untested agency, which lacked any real function. Because of this, the administrator of the agency usually used the agency to take care of environmental problems, mostly because there was nothing much else for them to do.
Mr. Camel entered the office of Monk, the head of the ITIA. He was also known as SpinoMonkey and RaptorMonkey. Monk was laidback man in his early thirties. He had grown up on the beaches of California, and wore an eye patch over his right eye. His long, blonde hair came down to his shoulders. Today he wore a Hawaiian shirt and cutoff jeans to work.
“Ah, hey, Camel!” Monk said, dropping a paper airplane he had been making. “Glad you came. We may actually have some work for you.”
Camel’s eyebrows rose. Work? He hadn’t worked since the day he came here… He should’ve stayed home and let another of the elite agents take care of it. “Oh… uh, splendid.”
“Yeah, I thought you’d be happy. You always seem so bored and…yeah. So: here we go. We’ve been receiving information that some strange things have been going on in a research place in New Mexico—“ Camel yawned, just another environmental mission. “—but we currently have no real evidence other than several unidentified energy balls. Some people have reported seeing odd spheres of energy appear in the sky over the facility occasionally. This has been going on since 1995, apparently, and they’re only visible at night. Well, we’ve received an increasing number of reports in the past week. In fact, one report was received this morning. Today was the first day one of these spheres was spotted during the daylight. So, we think something is going on over there. And we’re sending you to do it.”
“So, will there be an airplane ready by tomorrow morning?” Camel asked.
“An airplane and your crew will be ready by 10:30,” Monk said.
“This morning?”
“Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you any earlier.”
“Well, I have to go get some things. I’ll be there,” Camel said, exiting the room.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:41
SMRF Southeast Entrance
The jeeps approached a large concrete barrier. It rose eighty feet off of the ground, and Ben said that it encircled the entire facility. One of the drivers fished around in his pocket, and eventually raised a small remote. He pressed a button, and the ground in front of them slanted downwards, allowing them to pass under the concrete barrier.
The jeeps emerged on the other side of the barrier, into a lush, green plain. In the distance was a thick jungle, a dirt road running from it.
“So, can you tell us why we’re here, yet?” asked Host.
“Whatever it is, it better shut up the investors. They’ve been waiting for something from you for years, now, Edgar,” Ambrose said.
“Oh, I’m sure they’ll love it,” Edgar said cheerfully, looking up into the sky. Everyone else followed his gaze. What they saw was awesomeness. A giant creature stood in the grass.
“Golly gee, a dinosaur,” said Fordprefect, staring up at it in wonder.
Yvonne’s mouth dropped, along with the sunglasses in her hands.
“They’re going to love it,” Ambrose said.
Host breathed as he looked at the dinosaur.
“This is delicious,” Martin said, eating a chocolate bar. He hadn’t noticed the dinosaur, yet.
Junkee leapt from the car and landed on the grass. He stood and stumbled for several seconds, and fell again. He got to his knees, tried to stand again, and fell. He then barfed on the grass, and fell into it.
“Is he drunk?” Ford asked.
“It seems that way,” Martin answered.
Yvonne got out of the jeep and helped Junkee to his feet. His face covered in vomit, he asked, “Are… are this a real dinosaurs?”
“Yes,” Ben said.
“Really real?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“I am quite certain, Dr. Junkee, that these are real dinosaurs,” Edgar assured him.
“Oh…”
“We have a t-rex,” Edgar said cheerfully.
“You pee next?” Junkee said.
“No, you may,” Edgar said.
“Oh… thank you,” Junkee smiled thankfully. He unzipped his pants and began to pee on Edgar’s shoe.
“Yes… you’re welcome. Anyway, we have a t-rex,” Edgar repeated.
“A… a… a… a… a… a… a… a… a… t-rex?” Junkee said. “You said you have a t-rex?”
“Yes,” Edgar nodded cheerfully.
Junkee vomited again, and would’ve collapsed again if Yvonne hadn’t held him up.
“He’s been clocked at 32 miles per hour,” Edgar said proudly.
“So?” Ambrose asked.
“I don’t know…”
“How did you do this?” Junkee asked.
“I’ll never show you,” Edgar snarled.
“Why not?”
“Oh, fine. If you insist, I’ll show you,” Edgar said.
They returned to the jeeps and drove to the dirt path by the jungle.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:48
Sector T Maintenance Catwalk 17
He ran down the catwalk, the headcrab leaping into the air behind him. He dove onto the floor, and the headcrab missed his head. He rose and kicked the headcrab off of the catwalk before it could do anything. He heard it splatter onto the ground thirty feet below.
Cameron wondered again how long it had been since his boss had sent him over to check the offices. It must have been an hour ago, now. Almost an hour, anyway. And he still hadn’t reached the offices. Normally it would take no more than ten minutes, maybe fifteen if the transport modules were especially busy. But they weren’t busy. They weren’t working.
Sometime before 09:00, there had been some disturbance from the Anomalous Materials Labs. The scientists had said it was a resonance cascade (whatever that was). They sounded worried. So he got worried. His boss tried to call the office area, but the phone didn’t work. So, being a security guard with nothing to do, he was sent to check up on the offices. Two scientists had come with him, but they were both dead now, as a result of the transport modules crashing. Cameron had somehow jumped out before it crashed, and survived. But he lost his gun. Now he was defenseless as he traveled along the track maintenance paths, which were somehow filled with strange creatures.
So far he’d only encountered only two: the crabs things, and some strange dog creatures, which emitted hypersonic sounds, which knocked him off of his feet. However, he was certain there were more than just these two. They must’ve somehow been caused by the Anomalous Materials experiment.
Cameron continued along Catwalk 17. C17 was notorious amongst the janitors as the longest and most poorly lit of the track maintenance catwalks. He wished that he had a weapon. Or at least a flashlight. The path seemed to get darker as he went along. He could barely see where he was walking, now. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too much longer, now.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 09:58
Dirt Path
The jeeps had been bouncing down the road for several minutes when they finally came onto a paved road, bordered on one side by a beautiful and giant pond, and a large concrete building on the other.
The jeeps came to a stop in front of the building. Everyone hopped out, and then scrambled up the stairs of the building.
“HA! I win,” Ford said as he reached the top step first. Edgar followed up behind him and opened the door.
The tourists piled in through the small door, and stood in a large room. Four skeletons hung in the center of the room- a t-rex, a raptor, a brachiosaurus, and a walrus. Everyone looked up in awe of the giant skeletons as Edgar and Ben led them through the room and into a large corridor. The corridor went slightly downwards, and after every ten feet, it would turn, and they couldn’t tell when the hallway would end. Eventually Ford realised something.
“Hey, this corridor is getting smaller as we go along. When we entered, it was ten feet high. Now it’s only three inches between my head and the ceiling,” Ford observed.
“Occasionally the muffins will feast upon your scalp,” Edgar warned.
“Oh, that explains it,” Ford said, rolling his eyes.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 10:01
Sector T Maintenance Catwalk 17
Cameron couldn’t even see his hand in front of him anymore. No wonder the janitors hated C17. He’d have to tell his boss that they needed more lighting here when he returned.
He heard the shriek of a headcrab from somewhere around him, and leapt forward, colliding with metal, and he began to fall. Cameron realized that he had reached the end of the catwalk, and just jumped over the rail, and he was now falling down a thirty-foot drop.
He reached up—and felt cold metal on his hand! He somehow had caught the floor of the catwalk before falling too far down. He heard the headcrab shriek again. Something struck him the back, nearly making him loose his grip, and the rolled off. It splattered on the floor, just like the previous one.
Cameron swung his other hand up to the floor and began to pull himself up. It was a slow process, he had to be careful and not go to fast.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 10:07
Visitor Center Corridor
The corridor finally came to an end. There was another corridor, which went on for about sixty feet before ending. Fortunately, Edgar led them through a door.
The tourists found themselves in a movie theater. They all sat down, and the movie began.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 10:09
Sector T Maintenance Catwalk 17
Cameron finally managed to get himself back onto the catwalk. He was out of breath, and very tired. The room around him was still pitch black. He knew that when he got up he’d have trouble finding the doorknob. Hopefully it would be better lighted on the other side. But he was too tired right now. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 10:11
Visitor Center Theater
A cartoon walrus appeared on the screen.
“Welcome to Edgar’s World, where dreams become reality and reality becomes awesomeness, and awesomeness is just awesome. I’ll be your host for this presentation. My name is Charles the Walrus,” the animated walrus said.
Host smirked.
“Charles the Walrus?” said Yvonne.
“Silence!” Edgar said.
Charles continued talking. “You’re probably wondering how we made the dinosaurs…”
“Uh huh,” Junkee nodded.
“…So we’ll show you how…”
“Okay…” Junkee nodded again.
“…You will see the incredible technique devised by Edgar, a genius in his own mind, with breathtaking technology and scientific intelligence…”
“Awesome…”
“…After this commercial break…”
“I hate commercials,” Junkee snorted.
A commercial for buying tickets to Edgar’s World appeared on the screen.
“Why do you have a commercial for your own place when the customers are already here?” Host asked.
“It’s the muffins, lad,” Edgar said.
“I see…” Host sighed.
“Charles the Walrus?” Yvonne said again.
“Muffins,” Edgar said again.
“Oh… I should have known…”
“These muffins seem to be responsible for a lot of things…” Martin Randle said.
“Oh, they are, Mr. Randle. Trust me. Now be quiet, it’s coming back on,” Edgar said.
The walrus returned on the screen. A cutout photo of Edgar appeared next to it. “So, Mr. Edgar, are you ready to show everyone your technique?”
The photo of Edgar bobbed up and down. “Yes, I am ready to show everyone your—excuse me—my techniques.” His lips didn’t even move. The photo just bounced up and down as he spoke.
There was a transition, and then they saw a recorded video of Edgar. The walrus was now plush, and it sat on a stool next to him.
“Charles and I will now demonstrate the first step in making a dinosaur,” Edgar said onscreen. He grinned and raised his eyebrows. “Charles, give me a subject!”
“Yes, sir!”
A rather large squirrel fell from the ceiling. It looked rabid, and had fierce, red eyes. It landed on the plush walrus, and began to tear it up. Fluff flew up everywhere and floated around in the air. Edgar screamed and ran away, onscreen. Several crewmembers ran to the squirrel and tried to pry him off of the now mutilated plush walrus. The screen went black, and then transitioned back to a scene of Edgar standing next to a stool with a plush walrus sitting on it. Charles’s wounds were now covered with duct tape. Some fluff still floated in the air.
“Charles and I will now demonstrate the first step in making a dinosaur,” Edgar said onscreen. He grinned and raised his eyebrows. “Charles, give me a subject!”
The same squirrel once again fell from the ceiling, except this time it landed on Edgar’s face. He screamed as he tried to tear the furious squirrel off of his face. The screen went black once again, and then transitioned back to the original scene. Several Band-Aids covered the marks left by the squirrel.
“Charles and I will now demonstrate the first step in making a dinosaur,” Edgar said onscreen. He grinned and raised his eyebrows. “Charles, give me a subject!”
Yet again, the squirrel fell from the ceiling. Edgar caught in his hands.
“HA! I’ve got you now!” Edgar said, grabbing a combat knife from his pocket and slashing the squirrel’s head off. It rolled onto the ground, and blood spurted from its neck, like a fountain. Edgar dropped the squirrel’s body, and bent over. He scooped up some of the squirrel’s blood in his hands, and stood.
“See, kids, this is BLOOD. It is red, isn’t it Charles?” Edgar said.
“That it is, Mr. Edgar, that it is,” Charles replied.
“Okay, now all we have to do is…” There was another transition, and then a shot of Edgar holding a baby squirrel in his hands.
“And that’s how we make baby dinosaurs! Which grow into big dinosaurs! Just like Mr. Edgar!” Charles said.
“Why you little…” Edgar said, grabbing the plush walrus and throwing it onto the ground. He began to stomp on it, maniacally. And then the video ended.
“That was… different,” Ford said.
Junkee sat in his chair, staring at the screen in awe. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! It was so simple!”
* * * * * * *
July 16 – 10:32
Sector X Pool of Blood
Rick Arnold awoke. He looked around, forgot who he was for a minute, and then remembered that he had been sick from eating an expired waffle for breakfast that morning. He stood, and looked down at the floor. A horrid monster lay there. Suddenly he remembered everything that had happened. That was a security guard. He didn’t know what it was, now. The crab thing was still over his head, and now his torso was split open. His innards were visible, and his clothes were soaked with blood. His fingers were now long, pointed claws. Arnold looked at it in horror. It stood, and slowly moved towards him. It was a zombie.
Arnold ran through a hallway, and tripped over a toolbox lying in the middle of the… He scrambled over to it and found a hammer, pipe wrench, crowbar, and several screwdrivers inside. He grabbed the hammer, and hit the zombie over the head with it. It didn’t seem to have much of an effect. The zombie prepared to slash him, but he stepped out of its range before it swung. He grabbed the pipe wrench and threw it at the zombie, but it caught it and tossed it aside. Arnold then grabbed the crowbar, and swung it at the zombie’s head. Blood trickled down from the headcrab. The zombie moaned, and prepared to slash at Arnold again, but he thrust the crowbar into the zombie’s chest. It twitched and died. Arnold pulled the bloody crowbar out of the zombie, and it loudly fell to the floor.
Rick Arnold stood over the zombie proudly, the blood drenched crowbar in his hand. And then he heard a shriek.
1/5/2005 6:43:04 AM
(Updated: 1/6/2005 7:48:56 PM)
(Updated: 1/6/2005 7:49:19 PM)
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