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Dino-Life Chapter 3: The Torture
By Mr.Camel
The Adventures of Mr. Camel: Dino-Life
Chapter 3: The Torture
“Set sail!” Captain Darial Longsword yelled.
“Aye, aye, Captain!” Paleeoguy shouted back.
The Black Widow began its journey down the Colorado River. Mr. Camel, Guilty Spark, AlanGrant5 and Dr. Junkee were below deck, trying to set up a chemical laboratory with the supplies on Longsword’s pirate ship.
“How the hell are we supposed to make a fuckin’ chemistry lab with whiskey bottles?” AlanGrant5 said, getting frustrated.
“There’s beer and wine down here, too,” Junkee reminded him.
“So?”
“Well, you just said whiskey bottles. That’s a false statement. There are beer and wine bottles here, too,” Junkee said again.
“Hmm… You’re right! Beer would make this a much better experiment! Not for building, but just so we can drink, you know?”
“Amen to that! Budweiser or Coors or Bud Light?” Junkee asked.
“Coors!” AlanGrant5 shouted.
“Budweiser!” Guilty Spark yelled.
“Chicken!” Mr. Camel said. Everyone stared at him. “What?”
“Um… never mind,” Junkee said tossing him a chicken leg. “As for myself, a Bud Light!”
“Arr! Ye is diggin’ through me drinks collection! Put them there drinks back now! Or else!” Longsword said, from the top of the stairs.
“Damn it!” Junkee shouted.
“Oh well,” Spark sighed.
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TobyCompy and DarkDNA were locked in one of the bedrooms. TobyCompy talked into a cell phone.
“So, do they actually believe you are loonies?” the voice on the other end said.
“Yes, but it has been disgusting and strange work acting like a loony,” TobyCompy said. “At one point Junkee took some cheese out, cut it with a bloody knife, and threw it at us. DarkDNA and I had already planned the possibility of this happening.”
“Oh? And what was your plan?”
“That we pick it up, turn it into thin little pieces and pick our noses with it, before throwing it back at Junkee.”
“So, this was what you did?”
“No, actually we wolfishly gobbled it up.”
“They bought it?”
“No. They said it was too expensive. They wanted a cheaper rug.”
“No, you fool! Did they buy the act?”
“Oh, of course, sir! They talked about how even talked about how disgusting it was.”
“Good. Very good. Well, I’m going to go watch some movies about myself! I am so pretty!”
TobyCompy rolled his eyes before hanging up.
“Let’s go sing!” DarkDNA said.
“Let’s. You start.”
“I LOVE YOU!
YOU LOVE ME!
WE’RE A HAPPY FAMILY!
WITH A GREAT BIG HUG
AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU
WON’T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO?!
“Dude, what have you been smoking? I want some too!”
“Oh, not much,” DarkDNA said as he walked to a huge closet. He opened the door and drugs came pouring out. “Take what you want!”
********************************************************************************
“Ah, it was just the insurance company reminding of my overdue bills,” Edgar said, coming out of the bathroom with a cell phone in his hand. “Now just to watch some more movies with my pretty—um…we’ll be taking the tour soon. Any questions before the tour begins?”
“I really think you should consider editing that movie—especially if you’re showing that to little kids,” Host said.
“Yeah, that’s not right showing little kids stuff like that, their parents would be furious,” Yvonne agreed.
“Yeah, even if it was an animated janitor—pretty damn good animation by the way—and fake blood, it still looks real,” Martin Randle said.
“And delete the pictures of my pretty face! Bah! Rubbish! And there parents would certainly not be furious; their children are actually learning something! And Randle, thanks, but that was real,” Edgar said.
“You actually killed the janitor?” Yvonne thought this was horrible, especially since it was done so little kids could…learn, as Edgar called.
“Why, of course, dear! He wanted a raise! We had to do something to him. So we made his death worthwhile and filmed it!” Edgar stated.
“A raise? How much was he asking?” Host asked.
“Five-fifty ($5.50) an hour is good enough for any man, even if he did have to support his family with twenty-three kids,” Edgar snorted. “Six bucks is absurd! I would rather spend the money on make-up or clothes for my beautiful body!”
Ben walked up. “Ready when you are, Pansy!”
“Did you just call me a Pansy?”
“Bring it on, Pansy!”
“Not right now, we have guests.”
“You’re right. On with the tour, follow me!”
********************************************************************************
“Christ! Help! Those jackasses!” Guilty Spark returned from checking up on TobyCompy and DarkDNA.
“What is it Spark?” Camel asked.
“The horror!!! Oh God! NO!”
“Easy, man, easy. It’s OK. They’re gone now. Those bad loonies are gone now.” Mr. Camel tried to soothe Guilty Spark but failed. Guilty Spark bit Camel’s fingers. “OW!!!”
“Junkee, I think we need you!” AlanGrant5 called. Junkee was on the deck, looking at the stars.
“Damn! What now?” Junkee yelled as he ran down.
“He…he bit my finger!” Camel said pointing to Spark, who was now screaming and running in circles.”
Junkee threw a block of cheese at Guilty Spark. Spark stopped running in circles. He fell, unconscious on the floor. Junkee dragged him up onto the sofa and slapped his cheek a few times.
“This isn’t working,” Junkee sighed.
“Maybe if you tried the other cheeks…” AlanGrant5 grinned.
“You sick bastard. Fetch me a pail of water! Now!”
In the distance they heard voices.
“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…”
Guilty Spark awakened. His eyes grew wide and he glanced around the room. His breathing slowed.
“They’re here,” Guilty Spark whispered.
“Who is here?” Junkee asked softly.
“Them.”
“May I ask who is ‘them’?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you already know.”
“Do I?”
“It’s DarkDNA…and…Toby…Com…py…” Guilty Spark suddenly expired on the sofa.
“Damn! Bloody hell! Now we have a rotting corpse on the sofa…AND I TOUCHED IT!” Junkee screamed. “EEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!! Must…find…faucet…with…soap!”
Junkee ran off. Five minutes later he returned with a pail of water in his hand.
“John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name, too! Whenever we go out, the people always shout ‘There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!’”
“Christ, no wonder he died! Hearing stuff like that will kill any battle-hardened man—only the weak and light can take it!” Junkee had to shout over the singing psychos.
Junkee poured some water on Spark’s face. He did not awaken. Junkee grabbed a meter stick and began poking Guilty Spark.
“BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! I am an eagle!” Guilty Spark quoted Ed from Ed, Edd and Eddy, as he awakened.
“He’s alive!!!” Junkee shouted with joy. He picked up a wine bottle and threw it against the floor and it shattered to pieces. “TOUCHDOWN! WOO-HOO! WHO DA MAN? JUNKEE! YEAH!” Junkee began doing weird victory dances.
“Have the loonies gotten to you, Junkee?” Camel asked.
“No… I am… just… tired.” Junkee slumped down on the sofa and yawned. “Drank to much.” Junkee belched.
“They’ve stopped!” AlanGrant5 said, happily.
“Thank God.” Guilty Spark said. “Thank God.”
********************************************************************************
The electric cars drove forward. In the first car sat Host, Yvonne and Randle. The second car carried the food and backup generator.
“You really think we’re going to need all that?” Yvonne asked.
“There’s no predicting the ‘dinosaurs’,” Host laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“How stupid this tour is! I guarantee they’re cardboard!”
“What is it with you and cardboard, Host?” Randle asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind.”
Three minutes later they passed a sign labeled ‘Dilophosaur’.
A voice began talking about the dilophosaur.
“This is, like, Kyle from the, like, ‘Totally Kyle’ part of the, like, ‘Amanda Show’, like, dudes!”
“OOOHH! Great!” The Host said sarcastically.
“If you look over to your, like, left, you will, like, see a, like, real dilophosaur. It can, like, spit on you from, like, really far away, dudes! This reminds me of this time when my, like, Grandmother, like, spit across the room, and, like, it was disgusting! It, like landed on me, dude. I’m like, ‘EW…You, like spit on me!’ and she was like ‘Sorry, Kyle!’ It was like, weird! TOTALLY!”
“Oh God,” Yvonne moaned.
“This will be a long tour,” Host said.
“Hey, look it’s the dilophosaur!” Randle shouted, pointing out the window.
MUAHAHAHA! "I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WE'RE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!" Yes, I actually spent half an hour looking for the real words to the song! Please comment!
8/26/2003 8:35:44 PM
Comment on this fan fiction!
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