BENCH WARMERS

Homeless Guy… Nick Koudelis
Brent… Ryan Edwards
Gary… Jason Case


[We open on Brent and Gary as they watch the football game from the bench, water bottles, helmets, and jerseys littering the sideline.]

Brent: Thank Buddha this is the last game of the season. The bench has left a bump on the ol’ rump the size of Texas and an indentation on the left cheek.

Gary: I know.

Brent: You do?

Gary: I also noticed the scar on your hiney.

Brent: Oh, that. Last week I had a three-inch splinter removed surgically with out an anesthetic.

Gary: Wow, three inches! What did the doctor say?

Brent: Not much, except that he thinks my dimply prosterior looks like a pickle barrel.

Gary: I disagree. I think your behind is once piece of ACE but I didn’t want to say anything because I thought it would sound… you know, weird.

Brent: That’s okay, I like it when people say nice things about my body.

Gary: Well, as long as we’re on the subject, I happen to think that that football uniform does wonders for your abs.

Brent: Really?

Gary: Oh, yeah. And those shoulder pads really refine your upper arms. And your cup really exaggerates the size of your…

Brent: I’m flattered, Gary.
Gary: With a body like yours, I’m surprised Debbie McReynolds hasn’t taken notice. Maybe it’s because you ran into her at the last game.

Brent: It’s like it was just yesterday. There was a loud "TWOKIT!" sound.

Gary: Like a fat kid falling?

Brent: Exactly like a fat kid falling.

Gary: Remember when you shook your pompoms for me at that Turkish bathhouse?

Brent: Shhh! Don’t say that in public.

Gary: I want to sit in the back of the Big Banana with the Whopper Gang: Hot Carl, Magical Mike, Two-way Tom, Gorgeous Greg, Dashing Danny, Bi Bob, Dykish Drew, and Luscious Lou.

Brent: Looks to me like the only place we’ll be sitting is on this bench.

[The Homeless Guy joins Brent and Gary at the sideline sporting the Coach’s uniform, hat, and whistle.]

Homeless Guy: Brent, Gary, you’re up. I’m your new football coach, gentlemen.

Brent: You mean… ?

Homeless Guy: Yes, Brent, I’ve arranged a date for you and Debbie. And Gary, you now have an assigned seat on the Big Banana… the back of the Big Banana.

Brent: You’re the best, Homeless Guy. My place, right?

Homeless Guy: Where else?

[Brent and Gary throw on their helmets and race onto the field as the crowd cheers from the stands. Homeless Guy grins and joins them.]

[Fade out.]
http://www.matmice.com/home/brentandgary

4/26/2002 8:18:28 PM

Comment on this fan fiction!