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Celebrity Death Match: Era Of Extinction
By Kevy Mac
CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH: ERA OF EXTINCTION
*RATED BOOK14 for Gruesome Violence*
The show begins with the rustling of some shrubs in the jungles of Isla Sorna, but then a machete slams down on the plants, making them and the top half of a Compsognathus splat to the ground.
The Compy is holding a watch in its jaws and a muscular hand snatches it out of the Compy's mouth and puts it on another muscular wrist.
Steve Austin: Mesozoic peice of crap, stealling Stone Cold's watch.
Steve steps away from the bush and we then see Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond standing in front of the camera with microphones in their hands.
Johnny Gomez: Good evening, folks, and welcome to Celebrity Death Match: Era of Extinction. I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond. We are on the island of Isla Sorna to see battles to the death that not even extinction could stop. Thanks to InGen BioEngineering, we're going to see battles that'll make all of those movie dinosaur fights look like an arm-wrestle.
Johnny Gomez: That's right Nick. We have two special guests tonight. Former World Wrestling Entertainment champion and now co-General Manager of Raw, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and author of the Jurassic Park novels, Micheal Crichton. Micheal?
Micheal and Stone Cold stand beside them to begin their portion of the commentary.
Micheal: Thanks, Johnny. As Nick said earlier, we are going to see fights that'll put the "sore" in Saurus. Three of these creatures will cheat death again, but three of them are going to be left to be dug out of the bone-yard.
Austin: Tonight, we have a herbivore hootanany between Iguanodon anglicusi and Parasaurolophus walker, two gentle giants that'll release all of their frustration of watching their herdmates get brought down by carnivores out on each other.
Micheal: It gets better, folks. Once one of those herbivores has been slaughtered, our next fight will be Jurassic Park's most unique predator against Jurassic Park's deadliest predator.
Nick: That's right, Micheal. Get ready for the Aliens vs. Predator of Jurassic Park when Dilophosaurus wetherilli brings the pain to Velociraptor mongoliensis.
Johnny: Which, as usual, brings us to our main event. The dominant ruler of Jurassic Park will be determined tonight when Tyrannosaurus Rex takes back the title stolen from him by Spinosaurus aegypticus two summers ago.
Nick: The Jurassic Park fans have been craving a Tyrannosaurus/Spinosaurus II ever since July 18th, 2001, but weren't about to wait until 2005 when the next Jurassic film is slated for release.
Micheal: Celebrity Death Match is all about giving the fans what they want, so we took the intiative to bring the fight to the fans via sattelite, rather than have them sit in a theatre and watch a preplanned battle.
Steve: We now go to Debbie Mantenopoulos, who is standing by with Iguanodon. Debbie?
The screen cuts to Debbie standing beside an Iguanodon with a pace-maker looking thing tied around its throat.
Debbie: Thanks, guys. All of our fighters will be equipped with this voice box that'll translate their growls and roars into English, which will break paleontological ground in dinosaur communication. Iggy, if I can call you that, how did this fight ensue?
Iggy: Well, us herbivores tend to travel in herds with different species, but the Para that I'm fighting tonight stole my mate away from me and created little Paraonodons, so if I get my way tonight, that sick bastard won't be cross-breeding with any species anytime soon.
Debbie: Strong words from the broken heart of Iggy the Iguanodon. Back to you guys.
Johnny: Thanks, Debbie. And now comes the time to fight!
Micheal: Let's go to the ring!
The ring is nothing more than an open field with Iguanodons and Parasaurolophus' watching the two fighters approach each other. Referee Mills Lane waves the two fighters to the centre. We can see that Mills is armed with body armor and an assault rifle.
Mills: Alright, you two are both from the Cretaceous if I'm not mistaken, but I'm not, so I want a good clean fight. The rules are none, except don't hit the ref, (Holds up the gun) or the concequences will be dire. Now, LET'S GET IT ON!
Mills fires a shot into the air, indicating the beginning of the match. In the background, a Pteranodon drops from the sky.
Iggy: Alright, you asshole, this is for stealing my wife from me!
Iggy swings his tail into the Para's face, sending Para reeling. Iggy then headbutts the Para's stomach and knocks him into a patch of trees.
Iggy runs at the fallen Para, but is greeted by a foot in the face.
The Parasaurolophus leaps onto his feet and screams a deafening honk at Iggy, leaving him hyptnotized.
Nick: Ow, that's a mile and my ears hurt!
Johnny: Iggy seems to be mezmorized by the sound waves that Para's screaming. C'mon, Iggy! Snap out of it!
While Iggy's hyptnotized, Para runs at him and uses his big arms to feed fists into Iggy's face, then sweeps Iggy's feet out from underneath him using his tail.
Para: See, Iggy. That's why Marlana left you and came to me. You're a lousy fighter, and from what I hear, you were lousy in bed, too.
Iggy's eyes go blood red and he leaps at Para like a prehistoric missle.
Para ducks, but as Iggy flies over him, he snatches Para's crest with his teeth and rips it off, exposing Para's brain.
Para: Hey, what the hell? Who turned on the air conditioning? And why can't I honk?
Iggy weilds the crest like a crowbar and begins to whale on Para with it while the other Iguanodons cheer him on.
Nick: Oh, my GOD! I have never seen a fight of this magnitude! Have you, Stone Cold?
Steve: No way, Nick. I never thought I'd live to see the day a dinosaur would beat up his opponent with their own headcrest!
Micheal: Holy Hell, they were never this violent in the books.
Iggy throws away the headcrest, leaving Para battered and bruised on the field. When Para, stands up, he staggers and stares at Iggy.
Johnny: Oh, no! Para's still standing! Will anything keep this giant down?
Iggy reveals his thumb claws and makes them bigger (kind of like Wolverine) and charges at Para.
Iggy: These nails are made for stabbin', and they're going to turn you into swiss cheese!
Iggy then begins furiously stabbing at Para, making him sway back and forth with blood flying everywhere.
Finally, Iggy throws one of his thumb-claws into Para's crotch, and the other into Para's chest. He then lifts Para into the air and starts doing jumping jacks, ripping Para in half.
Mills fires a shot into the air (and a Pteranodon drops from the sky behind him), making Iggy stop kicking at Para's torso. Mills walks up and raises Iggy's bloody fore-limb into the air.
Mills: And the winner is...Iguanodon anglicusi!
The other Iguanodons hoot and cheer while Para's mate gathers their hybrid kids and begin walking away in tears.
Nick: A gruesome fate for Parasaurolophus tonight as Iguanodon takes home the gold.
Micheal: I'll admit, Nick, Iggy's one helluva fighter, but don't count out Para. He had one incredible tolerance for pain!
Steve: You can say that again, Mike. Even with his crest ripped off and holes punched through him like an office report, Para didn't give up.
Johnny: Coming up next, the spitting slasher of Jurassic Park takes on the pack-hunter punisher when we come back.
The Celebrity Death Match theme plays while the camera hovers over Para's corpse.
The theme song plays while footage of Velociraptor psyching up for the fight.
Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match: Era of Extinction. For those of you just tuning in, we are on Site B with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Micheal Crichton, author of the Jurassic Park novels.
Nick: One dinosaur has already been sent to the digsite, but who will join the two seperated halves of Parasaurolophus walker?
Micheal: One of our next four canditates will be joining him momentarilly, Nick. Right now, it's a fight between two small carnivores that just can't seem to co-exists.
Steve: Ever since Jurassic Park was released, Velociraptor and Dilophosaurus have been household words. The problem was, Velociraptor returned for the two sequels, but the Spitter was never seen again. He had to make a living selling doors and bounced from job to job while Velociraptor lived the highlife from the fortune that he recieved from the Jurassic sequels.
Johnny: For years, Dilophosaurus plotted his revenge against his fellow-carnivorous co-star, but it wasn't until Celebrity Death Match came along that he was able to carry out his plan.
Nick: And the time has come to witness the carnivorous carnage as we head down to the ring!
We see the Spitter and Raptor stare each other down while Mills waves them to the centre of the circle.
Mills: Now, the rules for this fight are the same-
Mills is interuppted by the Spitter shoving him over and tackling the Raptor. The Spitter grabs the Raptor's head and begins to slam it repeatedly against a rock.
Mills tries to break up the fight (because the match hasn't even started yet), but the Spitter kicks him away and smashes the Raptor's head open on the rock.
The Spitter grabs the Raptors organs and begins smearing them on his body in a psychotic rage, screaming at the sky.
Mills: Hey! I should DQ you right now!
The spitter whips around and screams at Mills.
Steve: Oh, shit! This isn't good.
Micheal: If I know this Spitter, he'll tear Mills limb from limb. He better get out of there.
Nick: Johnny, remember when the alien killed Mark Hammil and Peter Mayhew?
Johnny: Nick, stay here!
Nick begins to rip off the top of his tuxedo and charges towards the fighting ring.
Steve: Nick, wait!
Steve gets up and runs after Nick.
Micheal: Well, folks. It looks like the bill has changed. It is now a handicap match pitting Nick Diamond and Stone Cold Steve Austin against Dilophosaurus wetherilli!
Johnny (to cameraman): Quick, go to the ring!
The camera cuts to the ring where the Spitter is trying to rip through Mills' armor.
Mills: Get off of me, you cobra rip-off!
Steve and Nick grab the Spitter by its neck and throw him across the ring.
The spitter flips up its sail and whorks a big gob of venom at Nick.
Steve takes off his vest and throws it in front of Nick's face, blocking the venome.
Spitter (To Steve): Let's go!
Steve and the Spitter begin to dish fists to each other. The Spitter knocks Steve to the ground, only to find Nick behind Steve, who gives the Spitter the Clothesline From Hell.
Steve jumps up and the two humans begin stomping the living crap out of the dinosaur.
Johnny: Amazing! The spitter is going to have to pull some tricks out of his sleeves if he wants to overcome his advisaries!
Micheal: Don't give him any ideas, Johnny.
The Spitter whips Nick across the face with its tail and it spits a gob of venom onto Steve's exposed chest.
Steve acts like his chest is melting and falls to one knee.
The Spitter is about to bite off Steves head, but Nick throws a rock between the Spitter's eyes, getting it stuck between the creature's crests.
Stone Cold uses this opprotunity to jump to his feet and boots the Spitter in the stomach and gives the Spitter a Stone Cold Stunner, breaking the dinosaur's neck.
Mills fires a shot into the dinosaur's eye, indicating the fight is over. He then walks up and raises the human's hands in victory.
Mills: Stone Cold and Nick Diamond are the winners!
Johnny: And another impressive victory for Nick Diamond and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's one thing to kill an alien or your boss, but this has to be their greatest victory.
Nick and Steve return to the commentary table while Austin clutches his chest.
Micheal: Are you going to be okay, Stone Cold?
Steve (wincing): Yeah, it's just a flesh wound.
Nick: That's always good to hear, Stone Cold. And now, for you, the die-hard Jurassic Park fans, after the break comes our main event: a gargantuan showdown between the former king of Jurassic Park, T-Rex, and the recent imitator and current king, Spinosaurus.
Johnny: If you call yourself a Jurassic fan, you'll stick around for this one.
The theme song plays to footage of Mills cleaning his assault rifle.
The theme song plays to footage of the first Spino/Rex fight.
Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match: Era of Extinction. I'm here with Nick Diamond, Micheal Crichton, and Stone Cold Steve Austin on Isla Sorna, or Site B.
Nick: We've already left two reptilian corpses to be fossilized, but those two fights will be child's play compared to our main event.
Micheal: Damned straight, Nick. This fight was made especially for you, the fans, Celebrity Death Match and Jurassic Park alike. Tonight's main event is Spinosaurus/Tyrannosaurus II, a rematch from Jurassic Park III. Tell the viewers about each fighter, Steve.
Steve: Be more than happy to, Mike. First, the challenger.
T-Rex has been hailed as one of the greatest predators that ever lived, despite recent theories of him being a scavenger. He dominated the first two Jurassic Park movies and had a sixty second appearance in the third movie, not only infuriating the Jurassic fans, but the Rex himself.
And that's where the champion comes in. Spinosaurus aegypticus was arguably the largest carnivorous dinosaur that ever lived, being 18.5 ft high at the sail and close to sixty feet long. Many fans feel that the Spinosaur robbed the T-Rex of his title as King in Jurassic Park III, so we at Celebrity Death Match set up a rematch.
Johnny: We now go to-
Debbie's ear-piercing scream tears through the air.
Nick: That's Debbie! What the hell is going on down there!
The camera cuts to the ring where Debbie is backing away from the Spinosaurus with a look of sheer terror on her face.
Spinosaurus: You look good enough to eat.
Debbie: I was afraid of that.
The Spinosaurus begins to charge at her and tries to snap her up in its jaws, but Debbie rolls out of the way and is almost stepped on by the Spinosaur's foot.
The Spino whips his head around and spots Debbie trying to get away.
Spinosaurus: C'mon, now! Quit playing hard to get!
We hear a tree crash down off-screen.
T-Rex (off-screen): Hey, asshole, your beef is with me, remember? Ignore the human and FACE THE REEPER!
The Spinosaurus turns around and glowers at the Tyrannosaurus.
Spinosaurus: BRING ON THE PAIN!
Mills looks petrified between the two predators.
Mills: Ok, get it on, whatever, I'm out of here!
Debbie grabs him by the arm and the two run like bats out of hell towards the commentary table.
The Spinosaurus starts it off by punching the Rex across the face and uppercutting him with its long snout.
The Rex staggers for a bit, but then jumps up and starts spinning in the air, giving the Spinosaurus a 3-hit, mid-air combo (kick to face with left foot, slap with tail, kick to face with right foot).
The last kick sends the Spinosaurus flying into a cliffside.
Johnny: Debbie, Mills, are you guys okay?
Mills: We're fine, but whomever is left standing is gonna be the winner. No way am I getting back into the ring with those guys.
Debbie: Same here.
The Spinosaurus stands up and throws a boulder at the Rex using its massive arms.
The Rex ducks and headbutts the Spino back into the cliffside. The Rex then begins slashing furiously at the Spino's stomach with his feet and repeatedly bites at the Spino's head and neck.
Nick: Holy crap! I've never seen the T-Rex go this nuts before!
Steve: If you got screwed over in the 2nd sequel to the movie that made you a star, wouldn't you be pissed off, too?
The Spinosaurus grabs the Rex's face with one arm and shoves him down. The Spinosaurus chuckles.
Spinosaurus: C'mon, Rex, you fight like a Gallimimus. PUT SOME BALLS INTO IT!
Rex: Okay!
The Rex bites down on the Spino's left side of its skull and begins inhaling deeply.
The Spino checks the Rex away, but the Rex has sucked out one of the Spino's eyes!
The Spinosaurus hisses and throws a lot of sand at the Rex.
Rex: Ah! I'm blinded! That was not cool!
Spino: Neither was sucking out my eye, but that didn't stop you, now did it?!
The Spino leaps onto the Rex's back and begins gnawing at the back of the Rex's skull.
The Rex falls onto his back in pain, shoving the Spinosaur's sail into the ground. The Rex rolls off of the Spinosaur with ease, but the Spinosaur looks like an upside down turtle.
Micheal: Uh, oh! I think that the Spinosaurus is in serious trouble now!
Steve: You've got that right, Mike. Seems like the Spino's sail has been shoved so far down into the ground that it won't come out.
Nick: Spinosaurus is in desperation now!
The Spinosaur screams as adrenaline pumps through him and he jumps to his feet and his sail rips off of his back.
Johnny: Incredible! Spinosaurus is just now a really big Baryonyx!
Nick: In fact, it seems to have infuriated an actual Baryonyx in the jungle, who is now entering the fighting circle!
A Baryonyx slides in and gives the Spinosaur a good shot to the face with his fishing claw.
Spinosaurus: He, get out of here! I'm trying to win a fight here!
The Baryonyx rips off the Spino's voice box and it latches onto the Bary's neck.
Baryonyx: Yeah, and that fight is against ME!
Within microseconds, the Baryonyx AND the T-Rex begin kicking the shit out of the Spinosaurus.
Mills: Wow, amazing teamwork by the Rex and Bary!
Johnny: Wait a minute. I thought this fight was supposed to be one on one, Mills.
Mills: As of now, it is no disqualification.
Debbie: Look, the rest of Sorna is taking advantage of that!
The jungle comes alive as Gallis, Trikes, Brachios, Anks, a couple of Cerats, Raptors, Spitters, Paras, Iggys, and Pteras all converge on the Spinosaurus.
Micheal: Holy crap! What an upset!
The camera then shows the commentary table setup from left to right: Debbie, Mills, Johnny, empty seat, Micheal, and Steve.
Debbie: Hey, where's Nick?
Johnny: Not again!
We see Nick break off the branch of a tree, which is now shaped like a spear and he runs into the crowd of dinosaurs and joins them in beating the crap out of the Spinosaurus.
However, we can't see because there is too much action going on and Nick is so small compared to the rest of the fighters.
The rest of the commentary table look frantically around the crowd to see if they spot Nick.
Mills notices that the Spinosaurus' exposed tail isn't moving and he shoots a shot into the air, ending the fight.
The dinosaurs nod to one another and shake claws or paws or whatever the species have and begin to walk away.
The Spinosaur's flesh is completely gone. All that is left is the pile of muscle and bone that Nick is standing on with a bloody stick.
Mills: And the winner and new King of Jurassic Park is...Tyrannosaurus Rex!
Johnny: With some help from the rest of the island. None of the less, the Jurassic Park fans will be thrilled by this announcement.
Micheal: I still can't believe what I saw! I mean, there must've been at least fifty dinosaurs beating on the Spino!
Debbie: Including Nick?
Nick: Hey, that was uncalled for!
Nick returns to the table, smeared with Spino blood and with a satisfied grin on his face.
Johnny: This has been Celebrity Death Match: Era of Extinction. Thank you for watching.
Debbie: I'm Debbie Mentanopoulos.
Mills: I'm Referee Mills Lane.
Johnny: I'm Jonny Gomez.
Nick: I'm Nick Diamond.
Micheal: I'm Micheal Crichton.
Steve: And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin.
All: Saying, "Good fight, good night."
6/7/2003 5:01:25 PM
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