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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 9)
By JPJunkee
THE GODS ARE CRAZY
PART II : FORGOTTEN FORGETFULNESS (heh, this title makes no sense whatsoever)
Dark Hunter walked up to the front counter of the pet store, and smiled as he said to the woman at the register, "Excuse me, is Kevy Mac here?"
The woman nodded, then yelled, "Kevy! Someone here wants to see ya!"
There was a grunting at the other end of the store, as a rather large man with a goatee came walking up to Dark Hunter. "Yeah? Who are you?"
DH smiled even wider, he remembered the long, artistic plan that Dan and he had discussed. At first, he was worried it would be too simple, and that Kevy Mac would stop him. . . but now after seeing what Kevy looked like. . . DH felt very confident indeed.
DH leaned in, and whispered into Kevy's ear, "I'm here for the Gorblat."
Kevy jumped for a second, "You got the money for something like that?"
"Um, why of course I do," DH lied, flawlessly.
Kevy nodded his head, "Okay, follow me." Kevy and DH began walking to the back of the store.
* * *
Everything was becoming hazy. Yvonne's eyes slowly closed. She began to snore.
Vader slapped the side of her face with a herring (a fish to those among the less informed). Yvonne's eyes went wide from the pain (and smell) of the fish hitting her face.
"What the hell was that for?" Yvonne demanded.
"No sleeping, you psychic freakazoid," Vader said.
"For the umpteenth time, I'm not a psychic I just want to sleep."
"You're lying, I can see it in your eyes," Vader nodded.
"Bull! My eyes are so glazed over from the lack of sleep, my eyes mean nothing!" Yvonne retorted.
"That's just what you want me to think."
Yvonne struggled in her straightjacket. "Err, if I wasn't in this jacket, I'd strangle you right now!"
Vader looked shocked. He slapped Yvonne once more with the herring. "You're much too violent, Yvonne," Vader said as he brought the fish across her face once more.
"CRAW!"
Vader spun around, "What was that?"
"CRAW!" said the penguin as it flew through the window.
Vader smiled menacingly at the fat bird, "Ahh, a penguin."
"CRAW!"
"So, you've come to free Yvonne, eh?" Vader said.
"CRAW CRAW!" the penguin replied.
"Well, you can't have her!" Vader shouted, as he slapped the penguin with the herring.
"CRAWWWW!!!!" the penguin demanded, it's eyes beginning to glow red.
Yvonne slowly moved to the back of the room, distancing herself from Vader and the. . . odd penguin.
"Ah, you want some more, eh?" Vader said, as he lunged at the penguin with the herring again.
The penguin acted fast, it twisted its head to the side, and bit onto the herring, quickly swallowing it down. Vader looked shocked.
"You ate my lunch!" Vader yelled.
"CRAW!" the penguin said, as it flew at Vader.
Vader didn't have time to react, in less than a second, the penguin had rammed into him, sending him sprawling to the floor. The penguin then turned to Yvonne, its eyes glowing red. Yvonne's face showed fear.
And then the penguin said. . . . "CRAW!"
Yvonne smiled, "You've come to save me?"
"CRAW!" the penguin nodded.
Yvonne let the penguin unbuckle her straight jacket, and then Yvonne said, "What now?"
Then the penguin said the most unpredictable thing anyone would ever expect a penguin to say; "CRAW!"
* * *
Kevy Mac opened a silver metal case, and took out a small ring box. He then opened the ring box, and revealed a small little black beetle inside. The beetle had a metal mask contraption thingamajigger over its head, preventing it from making a sound.
"You see, the thing about the Gorblat is," Kevy Mac was explaining, "that if you hear their song, you go POOF!"
Dark Hunter looked at the small beetle, then asked, "You go poof?"
"No, not 'poof', you go POOF!" Kevy said.
"Oh, right," DH nodded.
"Now then, she's all yours," Kevy said, handing the Gorblat to DH. "Oh, I almost forgot, you get these complimentary earmuffs as a gift." Kevy handed DH a pair of pink fluffy earmuffs.
DH put the earmuffs in his pocket, then turned and walked away.
"Hey! You haven't paid yet!" Kevy called after him.
DH stopped walking, and turned back to Kevy Mac.
"Remember the plan," Dan said in the back of his head.
DH smiled, and then stuck his tongue out at Kevy, then turned and ran away.
"Um, this isn't the plan," Dan said in a worried tone.
"Hey! Get back here!" Kevy Mac yelled, running after DH.
Carnotaur3 stepped out of a different isle and said, "Did you get what you were looking for?"
"Run!" Dark Hunter yelled.
Kevy Mac pulled a fly swatter out of his pocket, and roared. Carnotaur3 squealed when he saw the fly swatter, then he too began to run away.
DH and Carnotaur3 reached the exit, and then ran to the Mustang. DH got behind the steering wheel, then quickly pulled out of the parking spot.
When they were finally out on the open road, DH said, "Phew that was close!"
Carnotaur3 shook his head, "Don't speak so soon." He pointed out the rearview window.
Driving behind them, was Kevy Mac sitting on a motor scooter.
"Gah!" DH screamed. "A motor scooter! He'll catch us for sure!"
"Oh no he won't," Canotaur3 said, as he pressed a button on the dashboard, and the sun roof began to retract.
"What are you doing?" DH asked.
"Just keep it steady," Carnotaur3 answered, standing up in his seat, and sticking his top half out the sun roof.
"This man is quite the peculiar fellow," Dan observed.
Carnotaur3 then crawled out of the car, through the sun roof. Standing on the roof, he screamed, "Kowabunga!" then jumped off of the Mustang, and onto the motor scooter that was trailing behind.
"Holy shit!" DH shouted as he watched him land on Kevy Mac's head.
On the motor scooter, Kevy Mac was beating Carnotaur3's face with the fly swatter, yelling, "Get off me bike ya scaliwag! Get off it now!"
Carnotaur3 took the beating with a smile as he gleefully screamed, "Woohoo! I'm like a bat out of hell!"
Inside the Mustang, Dark Hunter was panicking.
"Just leave him, go on, drive fast!" Dan said to him.
DH shook his head. "No, Carnotaur3 is my friend."
"You only just met him."
DH shrugged, "So?"
"Don't tell me you're going to jump out of the car too," Dan said.
Dark Hunter simply shook his head, as he slammed his feet on the breaks. The Mustang came to a sudden halt. Kevy Mac couldn't stop fast enough, so the motor scooter slammed into the rear bumper of the Mustang, sending Kevy and Carnotaur3 flying.
DH stepped out of the car, and put his pink earmuffs on. Then, he ran up to Carnotaur3.
"Come on, get up," DH said.
It took DH a moment to realize Canotaur3 was unconscious. He sighed as he picked Carnotaur3 up, and carried him back to the Mustang, where he set him in the back seat.
DH was about to get behind the wheel again, and drive off, when Kevy Mac appeared beside his door, and began slapping him with the fly swatter.
"Ow, quit it! Ah, serious man, quit it!" Dark Hunter said.
"Give me back the Gorblat!" Kevy Mac yelled.
Dark Hunter opened up the ring box, and then took the thingamajigger off of the Gorblat's head.
"WEEEEDLE! WEEEEEEEEEDLE!" The Gorblat sang in its ear piercing tone.
Kevy Mac screamed as he tried to cover his ears, and then he went POOF! Goo and innards flew everywhere.
DH smiled, and put the thingamajigger back on the Gorblat's head, then he drove away.
* * *
Dr. Junkee stepped through the entrance of the state prison. Police officers were running everywhere in a panic. He walked up to one of them and asked, "What happened?"
The police officer looked terribly frightened. "The Incredible Bulk broke out of jail!"
Junkee have the officer a questionable look, "You mean Incredible Hulk?"
"No! This guy wasn't a scientist!" the police officer screamed.
"Oh?"
"No, he was a janitor."
Junkee's eyes went wide, and he ran out of the prison, and back into the streets. It was only then that he noticed the big foot prints in the road, leading south.
"Ooooo. . . looks like somebody had fun!" Bob said.
"Oh God, I've created a monster," Junkee muttered. . . . then he smiled. "Kick ass! I created a friggin monster!"
"Woohoo! We are so awesome!"
"We? I made Martin go crazy."
"Hardly. It was WE that made him go crazy. I was the one that forced you to allow him be arrested," Bob explained.
"You were controlling my mind?" Junkee asked.
"More or less."
"Goddammit, Bob!"
"Hey! I resent that remark!. . . I'm a God you know?"
"You're giving me an uber headache," Junkee complained.
"Oh stop whining you baby, and go get Martin! He will be a very valuable weapon for our quest to destroy the world!"
"We're going to destroy the world?"
"Indeed."
"With what?"
"What else?! FIRE!!! Muahahahaha! For I am BOB!!! Muahahaha!!!"
Dr. Junkee rolled his eyes, not quite sure of the thought of destroying the world. Then, he got in his Dodge Viper, and began to follow the footprints.
* * *
Yvonne clung to the feet of the penguin with all her remaining strength, as they flew over the trees. The penguin's wings flapped hard and fast, but it was obviously hard work for the bird to carry Yvonne with it.
"Where are we going?" Yvonne asked.
"CRAW!" the penguin replied.
"Really?"
"CRAW!"
"Why?"
"CRAW!"
"Awesome! Haha! This is going to be fun!" Yvonne shouted with glee, as the penguin flew onward.
* * *
Darth Chicken smiled as he continued to ramble on, "My nickname in high school was Kingfish, because of the one time when we all went fishing, and I caught a bunch of fish, therefore, I am Kingfish, which reminds me, what was YOUR nickname in high school? Oh! Let me guess, was it Jellybean, or Powder Keg, or Beach Ball, or---"
Martin squeezed harder, as he continued to run along the streets, with Darth Chicken in his big hand.
Darth Chicken laughed, "Haha! You squeeze hard!"
"Grrr." Martin squeezed even harder.
* * *
"You know what your problem is Junkee? You're not bad ass enough. I mean, you talk bad ass, and you act bad ass, but you just don't look bad ass," Bob said.
"What are you talking about?" Junkee asked, still following the foot prints of Martin in the streets. "I look very bad ass. My hair is all cool looking. I have a freaky smile. I hardly wear anything except black."
"Yes, but that's not enough. Have you ever considered putting a tattoo on your face?"
"Bah! No. . . okay yes. . . but I've decided I don't want to go through with it."
"Okay, fine. Here, look in the glove compartment, in there, you should find everything you need, to look more bad ass," Bob said.
Junkee frowned, then opened the glove compartment. Inside he found a road map, a pair of gloves, a deer whistle, a block of moldy cheese, a few hypodermic needles, and a stick of gum.
"There! The gum! Go on, chew it!"
Dr. Junkee put the stick of gum in his mouth, and started to chew.
"There! Already you look 90% more bad ass! How do you feel?" Bob asked.
"I feel much--"
"Much--"
"--much--"
"--much--"
"Cooler!!!! Ooo, yeah! Icy cool flavor!" Junkee smiled.
"No! You're supposed to feel like a bad ass!"
"Well, I feel cooler. . . you should be happy for me," Junkee said.
"Errrr. . . ."
* * *
Dark Hunter was driving fast, he swerved in and out of traffic, his foot pressed to the floor of the car. Still on his head, was the pair of pink earmuffs. A blue car crossed into his lane, and DH stuck his head out the window and shouted, "Hey! What the hell is your problem?!"
The passenger of the blue car stuck his upper torso out the window and yelled, "Fairy!!!"
Dark Hunter's brow creased, though the earmuffs, he couldn't hear the man too well. "Dairy? What dairy?" Dark Hunter muttered to himself.
The passenger in the blue car took out an uzi, and began firing at Dark Hunter's car, yelling, "Die you pink wearing fairy!"
"Gah!" Dark Hunter yanked the steering wheel hard to the right, and began driving onto a different street. Once he was sure the blue car wasn't following him, he pulled to the side of the road to catch his breath.
Someone tapped on his shoulder.
"Gah!" Dark Hunter jumped, and then turned to see Carnotaur3 sitting up in the backseat smiling at him. "Ah, you're awake," DH said.
Carnoraur3 nodded, "Yep. But I've got a massive headache."
DH looked confused, "You've got a passive bedwake? What in the world is a bedwake?"
Carnotaur3 gave him an odd look, "Who said bedwake?"
Dark Hunter shook his head, "I can't hear you well, speak up."
"No, you take off those goofy earmuffs. Which reminds me. . . why are you wearing those earmuffs?"
Dark Hunter made out the last sentence Carnotaur3 said. Smiling, he picked up the ring box, and revealed the Gorblat within. The thingamajigger was still on its head, so it couldn't sing. "The earmuffs are so I won't hear the beetle sing," Dark Hunter explained.
Carnotaur3 looked shocked, "It can sing?! Let me see!" Carnotaur3 grabbed the ring box from DH's hand and before DH could protest, pulled off the thingamajigger.
"WEEDLE! WEEEEEDLE!!!" the Gorbalt sang.
Carnotaur3 was in awe, "Wow, that's pretty damn loud---" the next second, Carnotaur3 went POOF!
DH watched in shock as his friend turned to goo right before his eyes.
"Get the Gorblat!" Dan yelled in his head.
"Oh, right!" Dark Hunter seized the Gorblat, and put it in the ring box, then slipped the thingamajigger over its head.
"I can't believe it. . . you killed Carnotaur3," Dan said.
"No I didn't!" Dark Hunter whined.
"I saw it myself! He went POOF! You killed him!"
"No, it was more like a suicide---"
"No, you killed him."
Dark Hunter frowned, a tear rolling down his cheek, "It was an accident."
"Bull! He was getting in your way, so you let the Gorblat sing em a song! You sick sick man!"
"Stop it! It was an accident!"
"I don't believe you."
"Well, I'm telling the truth," Dark Hunter stated.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Okay, that's good enough for me!" Dan announced.
Dark Hunter wiped the last tear away. He looked back at the goo dripping off of the back seat, and frowned. "Stupid bug," he said.
"Might I remind you, that bug will save the world. Bob the Dark God has infested Dr. Junkee's mind. Bob won't tell Junkee this, but with Bob in his mind, Junkee cannot die. Bob will use Junkee to destroy the world. And the only way to stop Junkee, is to kill Bob. And killing a God is not easy business. Only the power of the Gorblat's song can kill a Dark God."
"What could kill a Light God, like you?" DH asked.
"Only one thing can kill me. I am lucky that there is only one of them left in the world. . . The only thing that can kill a Light God like me, is a Prophet Penguin."
Dark Hunter began laughing, "A penguin?"
"No! Not just a penguin. A Prophet Penguin. They are the most vile and cruel creatures that have ever walked upon this planet," Dan said.
"Okay so---"
"MARTIN MASH!" yelled a voice outside the car.
Dark Hunter turned to his left, just in time to see a big green foot kick the hood of the Mustang, and send the car flying. The car landed on its roof. Quickly, Dark Hunter worked his way out of the car, and looked at the giant green man running down the street.
"What the hell was that?" Dark Hunter murmured.
"That. . . that was pretty dang scary," Dan said.
"No. I mean, what was that green man that attacked us?"
"That was Martin Randle, a janitor that works for Dr. Junkee."
"A janitor? Why was he all green like that?"
"Hell if I know. But, that's not important. Quickly, we have no time to waste, we must kill Dr. Junkee now!"
"Right!" Dark Hunter started running.
"Aren't you forgetting something?. . . like the Gorblat?"
Dark Hunter frowned and checked his pockets for the ring box. It wasn't there. He must have dropped it when the car flipped over. He turned to look at the car, and saw a big man with sun burnt skin standing beside it, the ring box in his hands. It was CeratosPit.
"Oooo. . . . jewlry," CeratosPit said, looking at the ring box.
"Hey! That's mine, CeratosPit!" Dark Hunter yelled running up to CeratosPit.
CeratosPit looked at Dark Hunter as if he were crazy, "No. . . this is mine. I found it. It's mine! All mine! Not yours! Just mine! Crazy hobo! Shoo!"
Dark Hunter's face grew angry, "Give it to me," he demanded, "or by the powers of the Light God Dan, I will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
"Never! I found it! Finders keepers, losers weepers!" CeratosPit stuck his tongue out at Dark Hunter.
"So be it!" Dark Hunter roared, raising his fists to the sky, and then waving them really fast in CeratosPit's direction.
"Umm. . . you can't shoot lightning," Dan said.
"Oh."
"Ha! Silly homeless man!" CeratosPit laughed.
"Fine! I'll just have to beat the living daylights out of you for that ring box!" Dark Hunter shouted as he ran at CeratosPit, his fist held behind his head.
"Gah!" CeratosPit screamed and started to run away, the ring box held tightly to his chest.
As Dark Hunter chased after CeratosPit, he asked Dan, "Hey, I'm doing all this work. . . . I will be getting my memory back, right?"
"Oh yes! I nearly forgot!" Dan said.
Dark Hunter began to see white clouds and crap. . . and then all his lost memory flooded back into his mind like a train bearing down on a renegade cow. . . .
FLASHBACK to 1994
Dark Hunter sat in a well furnished room, wearing an expensive suit, and a clean face. He looked younger, and more respectable. He looked. . . happy. The door to the room opened and in walked, none other than, Dr. Junkee. Dark Hunter stood up, and shook Junkee's hand. Junkee didn't look a day younger, but he did look more sane and in control.
"Hello, Dark Hunter," Dr. Junkee said with a smile. . . this time, the smile looked genuine.
"Hello, Junkee. I'm sorry I---"
"Oh, no apologizes, please. I understand. The new serum is rather unstable, so I truly don't blame you for having second thoughts about investing in it."
Dark Hunter smiled, "I'm happy you understand my situation."
"Bah! But of course I would understand your situation. We're old friends DH. I wouldn't be angry with you, just because you felt my newest invention was unsafe." Dr. Junkee walked to the door, and smiled, "Come with me a moment, I want to show you something."
Dark Hunter followed Junkee out the door and then down a hall. As they walked, Junkee talked, "I too realize that Chemical X is a bit. . . dangerous. It still needs some more research done. But, in the end, I think it will be a dramatic breakthrough in how the world treats the mentally insane."
DH nodded, "In the end, I think you're probably right. But as of now, it is dangerous, and I do not have the faith to put my money in it."
Junkee nodded enthusiastically, and opened a silver door, that led to a silver room, "Oh I understand that, of course."
DH walked into the silver room, and looked around. There were vials, computers, microscopes, and an examination table in the room. . . not much else other than that.
"Where are we?" DH asked, turning back to Junkee.
The last thing he saw was the flying block of cheese, and then the world went black.
:::Fast Forward (dreams have that, nowadays!):::
Dark Hunter was now laying on his back, on the examination table, in a silver room. His face felt bruised and swollen. He tried to turn his head, but realized that it was strapped down to the table. He tried to move his arms and legs, but realized that they too were strapped down. He heard a whistling at the other side of the room. . . Dr. Junkee.
"Junkee!" DH screamed. "What are you doing?!"
Junkee stopped whistling, and walked over to DH. Junkee smiled down at him as he pulled out a hypodermic needle, labeled; "CHEMICAL X. . .RUN!".
Dark Hunter screamed like a little girl, "NO! Junkee! Come on, we're friends! Don't do this!"
Junkee winked, and whispered, "This may sting. . . a lot." Then he stuck the big needle into Dark Hunter's arm.
DH screamed even louder. "Ow! Blimey, that hurt!"
Junkee set the needle down on a tray, then began to speak slowly, "Friend, Dark Hunter. . . you have now been injected with Chemical X. You will slowly become really really. . . really dumb. And within the next 24 hours, will have lost a large portion of your memory."
"Why?" Dark Hunter breathed.
Junkee rolled his eyes, "Because you wouln't give me the money I needed to put Chemical X on the market. . . duh! Are you that dumb, already?"
"You said you understood my situation!"
Junkee shrugged, "I lied!"
Tears welled up in Dark Hunter's eyes.
"Oh bloody hell. . . this is a comedy, not a tear jerker, keep it together man!"
Dark Hunter cried even harder.
Junkee shook his head. "Oh. . . Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. . . to be honest. . . I am sorry. I'm sorry I had to do this. . . but you know. . . business is business! I wish it didn't have to come to this. . . hey! I tell you what! I'll drop you off at a nice cold spot at the side of the road, and give you a nice cardboard box to sleep in, how's that?!"
Dark Hunter's eyes began to close, as he began to go into shock.
Junkee frowned, "Have a good life, Dark Hunter. Even though I've. . . basically wiped your memory and all. . . I'm still your friend."
BACK TO PRESENT
Dark Hunter continued to chase after CeratosPit. DH wiped a tear away from his eye. "I can't believe it. . . Dr. Junkee is my friend. . . Oh how unlucky he was to be possessed by a Dark God! Poor Junkee!"
"Junkee stole your memory, and your life! All the more reason to kill him!"
DH thought about it for a moment, then shook his head, "No, he's my friend. . . I really don't remember him, and he did leave me on that cold sidewalk. . . but he's my friend. . . I can't kill a friend."
"What are you talking about?! You killed Carnoatuar3! He was your friend!"
"Oh yeah! Hmm, I guess I can kill a friend!. . . I must now KILL JUNKEE!!!"
Comments appreciated. :)
Next week. . . more insane sensless stuff. . . yay!
-- Dr. Junkee
5/8/2003 12:09:50 AM
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