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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 6)
By JPJunkee
THE STOLEN CHEESE
Dear Dr. Junkee,
Your days are numbered! And today is number. . . for! Yes! Number for! In exactly for more days you will be destroyed, if you do not quit your job at the hospital! I'll toss you out a window! Yes! A WINDOW!!!!
-- Yvonne
Dr. Junkee sighed as he crumpled up the small note which had one of Yvonne's many death threats. "It's sad really," Junkee said to himself, "she spells 'four' wrong. God help us all if Yvonne ever decides to start writing stories. . . oy."
There was a knock on the door, and Crow walked into Dr. Junkee's office. "Dr. Junkee, Spino144 is here. He says he needs to speak with you."
Dr. Junkee nodded his head, "Okay."
Crow walked out of the office, and Spino144 walked in. Spino144 was young, only about fourteen, his face was covered with freckles.
"What can I help you with?" Dr. Junkee asked.
"I came to talk to you, man," Spino144 said.
There was a long silence. . . and then Dr. Junkee asked, "About what?"
"Man, you don't know, do you, man?"
"Apparently not."
"Man, Yvonne, man, she going to get you, man."
"Oh?"
"She's plotting your death, man," Spino144 said.
Dr. Junkee shrugged, "Lots of people plot my death. . . I don't let it bother me anymore."
"Man! This is serious, man! I know her plan! She's gonna get you, man!"
"Stop saying 'man' so much. I mean, good God, it's very annoying!" Junkee exclaimed.
"You're not taking me seriously, man!" Spino144 exclaimed.
"I said stop saying 'man' so much!"
"But, man! She's going to steal---"
Dr. Junkee threw a block of cheese at Spino144, hitting him between the eyes. Spino144 fell like a stone to the ground, and muttered to himself before he went unconscious, "Cheese. . . . Man, it hurts, man."
LATER THAT EVENING
Dr. Junkee took a long sip of Jack Daniels, then staggered out of his office.
"Going home?" Crow asked Junkee.
Junkee glared at Crow. "What's it to you?"
"Nothing sir. . . just asking."
"You don't think I'm good enough for that goldfish do you?!" Junkee screamed.
"Excuse me?"
"Don't give me that! I've seen the way you---" Dr. Junkee sighed as he passed out and fell to the floor.
"Dr. Junkee?" Crow said quietly, as he began to poke Junkee with a pen. Crow laughed to himself, "Ha! You had way too much to drink, boss."
"Hardly," a voice said, in the shadows.
Crow jumped, and looked all around him. "Who said that?"
"Not me," the voice in the shadows said.
"If not you. . . then who?"
"Ummm. . . ."
"Ha! It was you!" Crow yelled.
"Liar!"
"No, you're the liar, liar!"
The person ran out of their hiding place, and walloped Crow over the back of the head with a big book. Crow grunted, then fell to the floor, next to the sleeping Dr. Junkee.
Yvonne smiled as she put down the big book, and walked into Dr. Junkee's office. She approached the big mahogany desk, and opened the top drawer. She smiled in the darkness, as she found what she was looking for.
EVEN LATER THAT EVENING
Yvonne walked quietly into Martin Randle's office.
"Did you get it?" Martin asked with a smile.
Yvonne grinned madly as she held up the block of cheese in her hand. "Yeah, I got it."
"It looks awfully tasty," Martin commented, licking his lips.
"We're not going to eat it, Martin," Yvonne reminded him.
"We're not?" Martin looked confused.
"No, we will use the cheese as a weapon against Dr. Junkee. We will WIN now that we have the cheese on our side!"
"Hmmm. . . . I say we eat it."
"We're not eating it, Martin."
"Says, you! But, I wanna eat it."
"I stole it, so I say we use it as a weapon."
"But I drugged Dr. Junkee's liquor, so I say. . . we put it to a vote!" Martin smiled. "All those in favor of eating the cheese, raise your right hand. All those in favor of using it as a weapon, raise your left hand!" Martin rose his right hand, and Yvonne rose her left. "Hm, this didn't exactly solve much."
* * *
Dr. Junkee slowly awoke. His vision was blurred, and his right hand was twitchy. "What happened?" Junkee groaned. He looked at the bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. . . there wasn't much left in the bottle, but what remained was blue in color. "Now if my memory serves me correctly," Junkee said to himself, "Jack Daniels is not blue." Dr. Junkee brought the bottle to his face and sniffed it. "This is Windex! That means. . . . Martin!"
Dr. Junkee staggered to his feet, and began to run to the stairs, but he was too dizzy, so he ran directly into a wall instead. Junkee grunted as he fell backwards, holding his nose.
Then the cell phone in his pocket began to ring. Dr. Junkee sighed as he pulled out the phone, and pressed the talk button.
"Hello?" Dr. Junkee said, barely audible.
"Hey, Junkee! My man! How ya doin?" the voice on the other line said.
Junkee rubbed blood off his nose, "I've been better. Who's this?"
"What you don't recognize my voice? I don't get written into a few episodes and you forget about me?!" the voice laughed.
"Stop talking so fast, and just answer the damn question."
"It's me Vader!"
"Oh."
"Well, don't you sound delighted," Vader said, sarcastically.
"What do you want?" Junkee asked.
"It's not about what I want, it's about what you want," Vader said.
"You've been watching too many movies, my friend. Now tell me that there is a reason you called me, or I'm hanging up right now."
"Okay, okay! Um, listen, ummm. . . . you remember my mini-Frisbees?"
"Sadly, yes I do," Junkee sighed.
"Well, they ain't doing too good. I'm not making enough money on them to continue to manufacture them. . . I'm out of a job, Junkee," Vader said, with a sad tone of voice.
"And this concerns me. . . . why?"
"Come on, Junk! We've---"
"Never call me, Junk," Junkee demanded.
"Okay, sorry. Listen, we're friends right?"
"From a certain point of view, yes, I suppose so," Junkee said.
"And friends always look out for each other."
"Occasionally, yes, that is true."
"Well, my friend Junkee, I need your help," Vader said.
"Oh?"
"I need a job, and I was hoping you could help me."
"What kind of job do you want?" Junkee asked.
"It doesn't matter. I just need a job. . . any job," Vader said.
Junkee gasped as all the light in the building went out. Surrounded in darkness, Junkee said quietly, "Hang on a sec, Vader." Then Junkee moved to one of the windows, and looked outside. There was a bright light in the middle of the front lawn. Junkee could hardly believe his eyes when he saw Yvonne standing before a bright beaming spot light. "What the hell is she doing?" Then he saw Yvonne smile in the light, and hold up a block of cheese. "Holy. . . she stole the cheese! This is bad!" Junkee picked up the phone, and spoke into it, "Yeah, Vader, I think I have the perfect job for you."
THE NEXT DAY
Dr. Junkee sighed as he got out of his Dodge Viper. And he smiled when Vader got out of the passenger's seat.
"You ready for your first day on the job?" Junkee asked.
Vader nodded as he put a pair of sunglasses on.
"Good! Then, let's go!" Junkee said.
Vader and Junkee walked across the front lawn. Patients were all around them. Running, playing, and a few of them just drooling. Junkee frowned as Paleeoguy ran up to him, singing.
"I'm a cucumber! Sou um pepino! I'M A CUMCUMBER!", Paleeoguy sang. Then Paleeoguy saw Junkee and Vader, and he stopped singing. "Oh, hiya! Ó, oi!"
Junkee looked to Vader, and nodded his head. Vader nodded, he understood.
"What're you guys nodding for? O que são você rapazes que inclinando para?"
Vader smiled as he put on a pair of brass knuckles.
"Uh oh. Uh ó," Paleeoguy said. . . you see, he has a problem with repeating the things he says, but in a different language. . .
"Tak taki!" Vader screamed, as he leapt at Paleeoguy. Paleeoguy shrieked as he turned to flee.
Junkee simply smiled as he watched Vader chase Paleeoguy into a bush, and begin to beat him. "Yes, I do believe hiring you as my personal body guard was a good idea, Vader."
Dac, another patient walked up to Junkee, a lighter was in his hand. Dac smiled, "What's up, Doc?"
"How's your skin healing, Dac?" Dr. Junkee asked.
"My skin?" Dac looked confused.
"Last time I saw you, you were engulfed in flames."
"I was?"
"Yes, indeed. It was that very lighter that set you on fire," Dr. Junkee said, pointing at the lighter in Dac's hand.
"What the hell is a lighter?" Dac said as he pressed the button on the lighter.
Dr. Junkee took a step back.
Dac screamed as his shirt sleeve went up in flames. "Ahh! Ahh-aahhhhah! I don't like this very much! It's like. . . gah! Hot man! HOT!"
Vader ran up to Junkee with a water hose in his hands. Junkee shrugged, and so Vader began to spray the water on Dac's flaming body.
"Gah!" Dac screamed. "That water's cold! Hot and cold. . . it boggles the mind, it does! Oh so confused!" Then all the flames were extinguished. Dac stood there, a charred and dripping mess. "Wow thank you, mister!"
Vader smiled as he adjusted the brass knuckles.
"What're those things on your hands?" Dac asked.
"Tak taki!" Vader screamed as he ran at Dac.
Junkee tilted his head to the side, and said to himself, "Hmm, Vader's a bit unstable. . . but I like his spirit!"
LATER THAT EVENING
"I'm surprised I haven't heard from Yvonne yet today," Junkee said. He was sitting at his desk, playing paper football with Vader.
"Are you afraid you've hired me for nothing?" Vader asked.
"No, not at all. Yvonne has stolena block cheese from me. . . she will try and kill me with that cheese, I'm certain of it. It's just a matter of time."
"With me being your body guard, and all. . . am I going to die?" Vader asked.
Junkee shrugged, "Anything at all, can and will happen, eventually."
"That's reassuring."
Then, there was a loud bang, and all the lights in the hospital went out.
"Aha!" Junkee's eyes lit up and he smiled. "It's Yvonne!. . . wait. . . why am I smiling?"
"DR. JUNKEE!" Yvonne's voice screamed over the intercom.
Dr. Junkee frowned, and whispered, "Hm, I didn't realize she would be able to talk on the intercom. . . curses." Then he looked upwards, and yelled, "Dr. Junkee went home early today!"
"Bullshit!" Yvonne screamed over the intercom.
"Hey, watch your language, young lady!"
Yvonne laughed mockingly.
Junkee whispered to Vader, "Okay, Yvonne can hear me yelling. That means she must be near by."
"And?" Vader inquired.
"And you should. . . go get her, before she comes to get me."
Vader nodded slowly, as he put on his sunglasses, and walked towards the door.
"Um, isn't it a bit dark in here to wear sunglasses?" Junkee asked.
"No, I can see fine." Vader opened the door, and a big gust of wind swept through the room, then he walked onward. . . and screamed as he fell out the window.
Junkee frowned, as he reached into his desk, and pulled out a flashlight. He shined the flashlight's beam at where he had last seen Vader. . . Junkee frowned when he saw the open window, that Vader had stepped out of. Junkee approached the window and looked down for Vader's body.
Vader wasn't there.
Scavengers must have gotten to him. . . . or loonies might have as well.
Dr. Junkee turned away from the window, and followed the flashlight's beam to the door of his office. He opened the door, and slowly made his way out into the dark hall.
"Dr. Junkee!" A deep voice shouted in the darkness.
Junkee spun around, "Who said that?!"
Martin stepped out of the shadows, and began to whisper, "It was me, hehe."
Junkee nodded, and whispered, "Oh, I see." Junkee pulled out a needle from his pocket.
"No, wait! I have something to tell you!"
Junkee fingered the needle in his hand, his shoulders slumped, "Okay, fine. . . but make it quick."
"Yvonne's insane," Martin stated.
"Oh wow. . . you're so intelligent, Martin. Tell me something I don't know!"
"No, you don't understand! She has the cheese!"
"I know that."
"And she's going to kill you with the cheese!" Martin yelled.
"Bah!"
"I'm not working with Yvonne, anymore. She's freaking me out. . . and she won't let me eat the cheese, errr."
"Oh, how sad. I bet Yvonne is all torn up inside," Junkee mocked.
"She's not. I don't think Yvonne and I were ever friends. I think she was just using me because of my janitorial skills. I'm prepared to tell you her plans."
"Oh? Well, that would be a nice thing to do," Junkee smiled.
Martin took a deep breath. "Yvonne is going to---" A block of cheese flew through the air, and struck Martin in the stomach. Martin gasped and fell down to the ground. "I'm hit!" he screamed, as his eyes closed.
Yvonne walked out of the shadows, and picked up the block of cheese.
"Yvonne! You threw cheese at Martin!" Junkee shouted in disbelief.
"Yes, I did," Yvonne said, tossing the block of cheese up and down in her hand. "And now, it's your turn."
:::insert dramatic music here:::
"Not so fast!" Vader said, stepping into the hall, his hands hidden behind his back.
"Where the hell have you been?" Junkee demanded.
Vader smiled. "eBay!"
"Why the bloody hell were you on eBay?"
Vader simply smiled.
Yvonne roared, "You're going to get hit with the cheese too, Vader!"
"I think not!" Vader said, bringing his hands out from behind his back. In his hands, he held a fondue pot. Vader laughed loudly and held the fondue pot up high above his head like a trophy.
"Oooo. . . a fondue pot for the cheese, good thinking, Vader," Junkee said.
"Ha! You think that will stop me? Ha!" Yvonne cackled.
"Indeed I do," Vader replied, indifferent to Yvonne's mocking tone.
:::insert more dramatic music here, that puts the last bit of dramatic music to shame:::
Yvonne screamed. Vader yelled. Yvonne threw the cheese at Vader. Vader -- to Junkee's surprise -- actuall threw the fondue pot at Yvonne.
Junkee watched as the cheese and the fondue pot passed each other. . . then smiled as the fondue pot hit Yvonne square in the nose. . . and frowned when the cheese struck Vader in the forehead.
Junkee looked all around him in the dark hallway, where Vader, Martin and Yvonne were all laying unconscious on the floor. "Hm, I didn't quite expect it all to go down like that," Junkee muttered to himself. Then Junkee walked slowly towards the unconscious body of Yvonne. "Steal my cheese, eh? You see what happens when you steal from Dr. Junkee? Yeah, you do! You get hit in the head with a fondue pot, that's what happens!" Junkee paused and thought to himself. "How to punish you now? Martin is no longer aligned with you, so now you are but a lone loony out to destroy me. . . what should I do with you, Yvonne?"
"Burn her," a voice said in the back of Junkee's head.
"What the bloody--- Burn her? Are you mad?!" Junkee screamed.
"You're hearing voices in your head. . . I think it's you, that is mad, " the voice in the back of his head reminded him.
"Shut up! I will not burn anyone! I'm a psychiatrist!" Junkee screamed.
"Dr. Dino was a psychiatrist---"
"Who the bloody hell is Dr. Dino?" Junkee asked the voice in his head.
"A famous psychiatrist that was sentenced to life in prison for setting all his patients on fire. And what pretty fires they were. . . so beautiful. . . so smoky and smelly."
"Bah! I'm not hearing this!" Junkee yelled as he began to knock his head against the wall.
"Muahahaha! You think that will hurt me?" the voice asked.
"Who are you?. . . No, that does not matter! Leave me alone! Get out of my head!"
"Never!"
Junkee pulled a needle out of his pocket, and stabbed it into his arm. . . the world around him began to grow dark. "Hehehe, you can't talk to me if I'm sleeping!" Junkee's eyes closed, and he began to sleep.
"Oh please. . . I'm in your mind, I can find you in your dreams!" the voice announced.
Dr. Junkee stood in his dream world -- a very disturbing place, might I add -- and watched as the sky above him began to grow dark, and a face began to take shape.
"I found you!" the face in the sky boomed.
Dr. Junkee thought quickly, and brought out a needle, and stabbed it into his arm. "You can't disturb me while I'm sleeping in my dreams!" Junkee yelled, as he collapsed to the floor.
The face in the sky looked angered by Junkee's quick actions, "Hmmm. . . You are correct. . . but I will find you again, Junkee! I WILL FIND YOU!"
-- Dr. Junkee
4/17/2003 12:40:03 AM
(Updated: 4/17/2003 12:50:10 AM)
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