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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 5)
By JPJunkee
SCIENCEMAN AND HIS LITTLE CYBORG FAMILY
PART II of II (AKA, the sequel)
"Malcolm! Where the bloody hell have you run off to?!" Dr. Junkee shouted as he and General Rancor ran around the back of the hospital.
"Why do we need to find Malcolm?" Gen. Rancor asked.
"Because Malcolm was looking for a very dangerous person, named Yvonne. And Drucifer is after Yvonne. . . so put two and two together and you get--"
"Five!"
"No, you get big trouble for Malcolm. He's in grave danger."
"So. . . are we rescuing Malcolm, or are we kidnapping Yvonne, or are we gonna kill Drucifer?" Rancor asked.
"All of the above."
Rancor stopped running and began to rub his temples.
"What are you doing?" Junkee asked.
"I'm trying to take this all in. . . there’s too many objectives. . . it's confusing."
Junkee rolled his eyes and whispered to himself, "Why do I have to be surrounded with such morons?"
"Hey Dr. Junkee, sir!" a voice called from a distance to his right.
Junkee turned to see Shwa, one of the patients running towards Junkee.
"What is it Shwa? Make it quick, the General and I must be going."
"I know that sir, you two are looking for Yvonne, aren't you, sir?" Shwa asked.
"Yes. . ."
"And you don't know where she is, sir."
"Right. . ."
"I know where she is, sir," Shwa said with a broad smile.
"Oh, is that right?" asked Dr. Junkee.
"She's in the basement, sir. Martin Randle's helping her escape, sir," Shwa said.
"What?! How do you know this?"
"Martin told me, sir."
"Oh. Well, thank you, Shwa. This act of helpfulness will be remembered." Junkee turned to General Rancor, "Come on, we need to get to the basement now!"
"Why?" Rancor asked.
"Haven't you been listening?" Junkee asked.
General Rancor chewed a hangnail off his thumb, "What?"
"Curses."
The gold lasers flew all about the lobby. Seth and the others hid behind the front desk of the hospital's lobby. Debris from the walls fell on their heads. The cyborgs were closing in on them. Together, they had killed only about seven robots, and there was still over two dozen left. Their situation was becoming more hopeless with each passing second.
"Seth. . . promise me something," Cloner started. "when I die, you'll adopt my cat."
"What?" Seth snapped, with a confused expression.
"Adopt my cat. . . I know you hate the smell of their food, but you don't even need to feed this cat, he just hunts his own food. Last night, he caught himself a family of four, and brought them home to eat."
"Family of four what?"
"People," Cloner said.
"My God, what kind of cat do you have."
"A tabby."
"Riiiight. . ."
"And Seth, adopt my pet goldfish when I die, okay?" Majestic said.
"And adopt my gecko when I die, too," Oviraptor said.
"My God!" Seth shouted, "Do you think you're all going to die, and that I'm the only one that's gonna live?"
Everyone nodded.
"Why would you think that?"
Cloner shrugged, "We think the author likes you more."
"Who the hell is the author anyway?" Oviraptor asked.
"Some guy named JPJunkee. . . a real nobody," Majestic said.
"Oh shut up all of you!" Seth screamed. "Listen, no one is going to die. But, to be sure of that, we need to go out there and kill all those cyborgs."
"Okay, what’s the plan?" Majestic asked.
"There is no plan, just go out there and kill stuff. . . it works in most of the movies."
"Sounds like a good plan!" Cloner said.
"It's NOT a plan!" Seth yelled.
"Oh."
"Alright, on the count of three," Seth said, taking a deep breath. "One, Two, Three!"
They all stepped out from behind the front desk, their guns firing, bullets flying through the air.
The robots all said in unison, "Aha! You come to fight!"
Bullets rang through the cyborgs metal bodies. Some of the cyborgs fell, defeated. But most of them fought on.
Seth swung his sword hard at one of the cyborg's cutting off both of it's two arm cannons. The cyborg stood in shock as Seth proceeded to slice away the rest of his limbs.
Majestic jumped onto the back of one of the cyborgs, and shoved his pistol up against the robot's skull and pulled the trigger. Sparks flew everywhere, and the cyborg collapsed. Majestic laughed as he walked away from the cyborg, but yelled out in shock as the cyborg stood back up, and began to bear hug him from behind.
Oviraptor leaped onto one of the cyborg's knocking it down, then he proceeded to pummel the cyborg's face.
"Ow, stop hitting me," the cyborg said, as he pushed Oviraptor off of him. "That wasn't nice. Now, I shoot you with these glowy boom sticks on my arms." The cyborg's arms began to glow gold, and then a laser shot from them, hitting Oviraptor in the chest and launching him backwards.
"You shot Ovi!" Cloner exclaimed as he ran at the cyborg who had shot Oviraptor. But, the cyborg was faster, it held up it's palm, and Cloner ran directly into it, knocking himself out.
Seth watched with his back against the wall, as Majestic broke free from the cyborg's grasp, but only to be punched through a wall by another cyborg standing behind him. Seth was the only one left. He gripped his sword firmly as the cyborgs slowly walked toward him.
He rose his word above his head, preparing to slice into anything that got close enough.
And then the phone in his pocket began to ring.
Dr. Junkee and General Rancor were running down the stairs of the hospital to the basement.
"We can't let Yvonne escape!" Junkee shouted.
"No of course not!" Rancor agreed. There was a short pause and then Rancor added, "Who's Yvonne?"
"Ugh. Yvonne is the patient that Drucifer is attempting to free. I would probably of let Drucifer just take her, since she annoys me so much. But, the fact that Drucifer went through such drastic measures to "rescue" her, makes me believe there must be some significance to Yvonne."
"Oh."
"We must not let them free Yvonne! Drucifer must be stopped!"
"Right on!"
Dr. Junkee and Gen. Rancor reached the basement. Junkee peeked his head around the corner, making sure the coast was clear. Junkee nodded, and they continued onward.
"We need to get to the janitor's office," Junkee said. "We should find Yvonne there."
Martin Randle opened up the door to his office. "Come on Yvonne, he'll never find you here!"
Yvonne wasn't quite sure. "What makes you so certain?"
Martin smiled as he pulled out a bottle of Sam Neill wine from his pocket (apparently, he has very large pockets). Then he took out the cork of the bottle, and ran to the opposite side of the hallway. There, he began to pour out the wine, creating a trail leading to the door that leads outside.
"What are you doing?!" Yvonne screamed.
"I'm going to try and throw Dr. Junkee off course. He'll never suspect a thing!" Martin yelled as he opened the door, and threw the wine bottle outside the hospital. "There, now Junkee will follow the wine outside the hospital while we hide in my office!"
Martin ran into his office, pulling Yvonne in behind him.
"How will Drucifer know to find us here?" Yvonne asked.
"Beats me! But, I figure his problems are his own."
"His problems are my problems. If he fails, I fail."
"Oh, right. Still, I wouldn't worry about a thing. Dr. Junkee. . . he's not the smartest person, ya know?"
Dr. Junkee stepped into the dark hallway, where Martin's office was located. He and Gen. Rancor slowly walked towards the office, being careful to make as little noise as possible.
General Rancor noticed the wine spilled on the floor. "Looks like someone's been having a good time! Babam sheebomp bomp! Wooowoo!"
"What the hell is your problem?"
"I was neglected as a child. My mother and father never loved me. I mean, sure, they gave me all the toys a little boy that grew up in the deserts of Illinois could ever want! I mean, I had teddy bears, loli-pops, and those little things you put on your thumbs that make the clicking sound. . . damn I loved those things. But my point is, even though I had the toys, I didn't have the love. . ." General Rancor's knees began to grow weak, as he slowly sulked down the floor, sobbing.
"Uh."
"You're a Doc, right, Doc?"
Dr. Junkee slowly nodded.
"Am I insane."
Dr. Junkee nodded enthusiastically.
"I need medication, don't I?"
Dr. Junkee pulled out a needle, and stuck it into Rancor's arm. "Yes you do," he said with a smile.
Rancor's head began to shake violently, then he collapsed to the floor, and began to snore loudly.
Junkee ran his hands through his hair, as he looked all about the hall. The spilled wine, the sleeping General, the closed door to Martin's office, and the voices coming from behind that door. . .
"I hear you!" Junkee shouted.
Then he heard the whispers from behind the door, "I told you, you were talking too loud!"
"Shut up, Martin!"
Junkee laughed as he threw the door to Martin's office open, "Haha! I am the smartest person alive!"
"Gah!" Yvonne screamed. "I told you he'd find us!"
"What are you talking about, Yvonne?" Martin asked, cowering in the back of the office. "I don't know what you're saying. . . in fact. . . who are you? I've never met you before in my life."
"Traitor," Yvonne hissed.
Dr. Junkee walked slowly towards Yvonne, "You called a mad scientist named Drucifer to come and save you, didn't ya, Yvonne? And you even got Martin here to side with you, didn't ya, Yvonne? And then, you tried to kill my brother in Kansas, didn't ya, Yvonne?"
Yvonne looked shocked, "I didn't try and kill your brother."
"Oh yes, I'm sorry, that was me. But still! You tried to kill me. . . with those cyborg people."
"So?"
"Killing is bad."
"Nuh uh."
"Wha-- Listen, loony girl. I'm in charge of the situation now, I'm calling the shots. You and Drucifer are done for. Your cause is folly. I WIN!"
"Nope," Yvonne said with a smile.
"What do you mean, 'nope'?!" Junkee screamed. "I said, I WIN!"
Yvonne pointed her finger, at something behind Junkee.
Slowly, Dr. Junkee began to turn around.
There, standing behind him, was Drucifer.
"Howdy," Drucifer said.
"Um, hi," Junkee muttered.
"Were you just threatening Yvonne?" Drucifer asked.
"Yes, he was! I saw em do it too!" Martin yelled.
"Wha-- threatening? No, I did not threaten anyone," Junkee stammered.
"I don't believe you," Drucifer said.
"Well, you should."
"Well, I don't."
"Well, that's not my fault."
"Yeah it is."
"Since when?"
"Since now."
"Why?"
"Cause I said so."
"Why?"
"Because I'm a scientist!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm a nerd. . . and my hair style is very scientific," Drucifer said, running his hands through his long wild hair.
"You're weird, did anyone ever tell you that?" Junkee asked.
"That's it! I've had enough of your stupidity!" Drucifer yelled as he drew a gun from a holster on his waist. "You will let Yvonne and I leave now, or I will shoot you. . . an then Martin will clean up the mess."
"I like cleaning!" Martin screamed with glee.
Junkee contemplated his situation. Let Yvonne and Drucifer escape. . . or let Yvonne and Drucifer escape while dying in a pool of blood while Martin mops up the evidence. . . tough choice.
"Okay, you may leave. . . but first let me say something to Yvonne," Junkee said.
Yvonne sighed and rolled her eyes, "Fine, what?"
"I hate you," Junkee smiled.
"Oh. . . I guess I should have seen that coming. . . dork."
Junkee smiled as Drucifer and Yvonne made their way to the door.
"You're actually letting us escape?" Yvonne asked, in disbelief.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because you're insane."
"What?!" Junkee screamed.
"You're insane."
"Bah!" Junkee roared as he leaped at Yvonne and Drucifer.
Drucifer screamed like an old lady as he pulled the trigger, shooting Junkee in the arm.
Junkee fell to the ground, a few feet in front of Drucifer and Yvonne. "Ow! You shot me!"
"Sorry."
"Damn right you're sorry! Why'd you shoot me?"
"You were going to kill us."
"Oh yes. . . that's right," Junkee murmured as he got to his feet and began to walk towards Yvonne and Drucifer.
"Um, we're going now," Drucifer said as he and Yvonne began to run away.
"Come back here you cowards!"
Yvonne and Drucifer ran down the hall, and then up the stairs and out of the basement.
Dr. Junkee stood in the doorway of Martin's office, holding the wound on his arm.
Martin walked up behind Junkee and began to clean up the blood on the floor.
"YOU!" Junkee yelled turning to Martin.
"Me?" Martin asked.
"Yes you! You set this all up! You're a traitor!"
"Um, no. . ."
"Um, yes!"
"Since when?"
"Oh God! Not another one of these!" Junkee shouted. "Shwa told me that you and Yvonne were in on this together."
"Shwa? Who he?"
"A loony."
"Ah. . . you see, there's your problem. You believed a loony's word over mine. And I'm a janitor. . the most trust worthy kind of person on Earth! So why would you believe a loony like Shwa instead of believing me."
"You're a loony, Martin."
"Oh, I dare say, I have never been so offended in my life!"
Junkee shook his head as he pulled out a needle from his pocket, and threw it at Martin. "Just shut up and go to sleep."
Martin grabbed at the needle stuck in his chest as he stuttered, "Sounds. . .good to me!" Then, Martin fell on the floor, sleeping.
"Can we kill him now please?" one of the cyborgs asked.
All the cyborgs were lined up around Seth, creating an impenetrable wall of metal bodies. Seth meanwhile had his back against the wall, and his ear to his cell phone.
"No," one of the cyborgs answered. "Killing him while he is on the teli would not be very polite."
"Ah, that is true," the other cyborgs agreed.
"So then," one of the cyborgs with no arms began, "what would be the polite thing to do?"
"Listen in on his conversation!" one of the cyborgs suggested.
"Brilliant!"
Seth shook his head and rolled his eyes as he spoke on the phone, "No. . . . stop screaming. . . I don't care if you beat the cat, just listen to me. MOM! Mom, I said listen! I'm in the middle of a big fight right now and you're kind of interrupting. . . . no, I'm not stealing someone's lunch money again. . . yes I know, you made turkey sandwiches, and I'm sure they're great, but I'm in the middle of a fight right now. With who? Robots, if you must know.. . . No they're not pornographic robots! Why would you even think that?! No, I doubt they're gay either. They're robots, mom. . . . yes. . . . uh huh. . . okay fine, I'll be home by dinner time. . . . No, you can't speak to them. Gah! Mom, don't embarrass me in front of the cyborgs. . . fine!" Seth took the phone away from his ear, and whispered to the robot army surrounding him, "Hey, she wants to talk to you, is that okay?"
All the cyborgs nodded, and so Seth handed the cell phone to one of them.
"Greetings, I am a robot, want to be my neighbor?" the cyborg said. "Oh no! Please. . . stop screaming, ma'am. Ah! You sound like a friggin banshee. Oh no! Circuits frying. . . computer brain going boom. . .dahhhhh!"
Then suddenly all the cyborg's heads popped off, and they fell over dead.
Seth stood dumbfounded and picked up the phone, "Mom? Um, yes, you killed them. . . . I can't believe it. . . What was that?! Oh. . . you were beating the cat. . . I see. . . well, um, I gotta go now. So take care, mom!"
Seth turned off the phone, and shook his head, trying to clear his mind. "That was dumb."
Drucifer and Yvonne ran to the lobby of the hospital. They were almost free. They could practically smell it!
"Eewww, what's that smell?" Yvonne asked.
"Oh my God!" Drucifer said as he ran up to his destroyed cyborgs. "They're dead! All of them are dead! Who could have done such a thing as this?"
Seth stepped out of the shadows, a sword in his hand. "Sup?"
Drucifer looked up at Seth. "You?"
"Sup?" Seth said again.
"You killed my robots?"
"Sup?" Seth said yet again.
"They were like my family!"
"Sup?" Seth said yet AGAIN.
"I will kill you, and avenge their death!" Drucifer said as he drew his pistol.
"Sup-- woah! You've got a gun!" Seth screamed.
"Indeed, and it will blow your head clean off your shoulders!"
"Does it shoot bullets?" Seth asked.
"What kind of stupid question is that?"
"Your cyborgs shot lasers. Does this gun shoot lasers or bullets?" Seth asked, his muscles tensing.
Drucifer shrugged, "Bullets."
"Oh, I see. . . ." Seth turned and fled, jumping out the lobby window, and crashing into the thorn bush outside.
Drucifer looked to Yvonne with an expression of great shock. "What an odd fellow," Drucifer said.
"I don't judge," Yvonne said.
Drucifer nodded, and once again, the two of them walked towards the exit, in no particular hurry. Drucifer smiled as he threw open the doors---
But then frowned when he saw a young man in a stained squirrel suit standing waiting for them outside. The young man in the squirrel suit looked up at Yvonne and growled.
"Um," is all Drucifer could say.
"Dino_Dude?" Yvonne asked the crazed squirrel, to which the young man nodded. "Oh shit."
Dino_Dude roared as he jumped on Yvonne, causing her to fall to the ground and back into the lobby, and then he began to strangle her.
Drucifer stood by, observing it all, not sure of what the hell to think.
"Help me!" Yvonne gasped.
"Oh, right!" Drucifer said, as he ran to Dino_Dude and aimed his pistol to the young man's head.
"Not so fast!" a voice from at the other end of the lobby said.
Drucifer looked up to see a block of cheese hurtling towards his face. "Gah! I'm lactose intollerent!" he screamed as the cheese hit him in the head, knocking him unconscious.
Dr. Junkee slowly walked up to the fighting brother and sister on the floor. The scene was almost funny. The rabid squirrel man, strangling his older sister. . . it brought a smile to Junkee's face. But, all good things must come to an end, he decided. Dr. Junkee picked Dino_Dude off Yvonne, and then promptly threw him out a window. Dino_Dude screamed as he went through the glass of the first story window, and then hit the thorn bushes.
Dr. Junkee gazed down upon Yvonne.
"I hate you," Yvonne said, still trying to catch her breath.
"Oh, what a terrible thing to say," Junkee said. "You know. This is the closest you've EVER come to escaping. And honestly, I don't know how to punish you. I mean, nothing ever seems to work. I stab you with needles, you still call me dork. I hit you with blocks of cheese, you still plot to kill me. I throw you out windows, and you still fart while in my office. So, ya know what? I'm not going to do anything this time."
Yvonne got to her feet, rubbing her injured neck as she did so. "Really?"
"Of course not really!" Junkee shouted as he stuck a needle into Yvonne's arm. Yvonne's eyes rolled back, and she slumped back down to the floor. "Never mess with the Junkee!"
Three hours later, all threats to the hospital had been taken care of. Drucifer had somehow escaped however. . . but the author couldn't think of a good reason why, so let's just leave it at that.
Yvonne was punished with three flights out the window (while still unconscious. . . it was quite a sight). And Martin was punished when Junkee let Martin keep his job as janitor. Cloner, Oviraptor, Majestic, Seth Rex, and Malcolm all survived their injuries, though Seth left the hospital with a little bit of memory loss. . . but no one really cared.
Now, Junkee was standing in the middle of the destroyed lobby, looking down at the ruins of the cyborg army. General Rancor walked slowly up to Junkee, a big grin plastered on his face.
"My team did well, eh?" Rancor said, motioning to the dead cyborgs.
"Oh, yes, indeed. Very good work. They must have been well trained men to have defeated this cyborg army," Junkee said.
Rancor's smile grew wider, as he rose his chin and said, "Yes, they learned from the best."
"Yes, I'm sure. Anyway! I guess this is it! Thanks for lending your support, General."
"Anytime, Doctor. I love saving loonies. Though I was a bit disappointed I never got to bomb anything."
"Perhaps you can bomb my brother's place, in Kansas."
"Awesome!"
"Okay, so. Until we meet again."
"Oh La Wenga!"
"Yes. . . I'm sure," Dr. Junkee said, as he shook Gen. Rancor's hand and then walked to the exit.
He stepped outside the hospital, taking in the fresh air. The wind was blowing, and the cool soothing breeze washed over his face. He smiled as he listened to the frogs croaking, the loonies screaming, and the birds crawing. . .
CRAWING?!?!
What the bloody hell? What kind of bird craws? Junkee thought to himself.
"Craw! Craw!" came the noises to his right.
Dr. Junkee snapped his neck to the right, and was not all too surprised to see a penguin 'crawing' in a tree.
"You!" Junkee screamed.
"CRAW!"
"You knew all this would happen!"
"CRAW!"
"You knew it all would happen, and instead of telling me in English like a normal bird, you decided to shit on my bloody car!"
"CRAW!"
"Curse you!"
"CRAW!"
"Oh shut up, you stupid bird! The episode was supposed to end a long time ago, but you keep drawing it out with your stupid signing!"
"CRAW?"
"Yes, you sign bad. You sound like bloody Madonna with a tomato in her throat."
"CRAW!"
"No, you shut up!"
SamNeillFan slowly approached Junkee from behind, and once she was close enough, stabbed a needle into Junkee's neck. Junkee sighed and then collapsed to the ground.
SamNeillFan smiled, and then simply walked away.
As Junkee's eyes began to close and sleep began to take him, he gave the bloody penguin the finger. . . because he was just mean like that.
So! Thus ends the battle with Drucifer! I hope it was entertaining.
Lemme know what you thought! I appreciate comments, don't ya know?
Anyway! Next week. . . there'll be more cheese, more needles, and more
loonies. Plus, Vader returns, and a new character is introduced. . . kinda.
See ya next week!
-- Dr. Junkee
4/9/2003 4:42:21 PM
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