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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 2)
By JPJunkee
THE NEXT EPISODE
Dr. Junkee is sleeping in the chair of his office, when someone knocks on the door.
"Dr. Junkee?" the woman at the door said.
Dr. Junkee gave her an odd look, "Who the hell are you?"
"Uhh, my name is Dr. SamNeillFan, I've been working in the office across the hall for three years," the woman said.
"Oh, right. . . . what can I do for you, Doctor?"
"Well, one of my patients isn't responding to my treatments, and I was hoping I could have him transferred to you?"
Junkee smiled, "What are his symptoms? I accepted Yvonne from a different Doctor without knowing her symptoms. . . . that was the biggest mistake of my life. . . . well not counting the time I got married to my cousin in Vegas when the family went there for a vacation, three years ago."
SamNeillFan looked at Junkee with a confused expression, "Right, uh huh, okay. Well, anyway, the patient's name is Dark Element."
"And his condition?"
"He has a multiple personality disorder. Half of the time, he thinks he's on the FBI's Most Wanted list, for being the biggest serial killer in history. And the other half of the time, he thinks he's a God."
"Bad combination," Junkee said.
"Indeed," SamNeillFan nodded.
"Okay sure, I can treat him," Junkee said with a smile.
"Thank you so much Dr. Junkee."
"You're welcome Dr. . . . . what's your name again?"
"SamNeillFan."
Junkee tilted his head to the side, "Are you sure?"
SamNeillFan growled and stepped out of the office.
When she was gone, The Crow rolled his wheelchair up to the door and said, "Vader's here to see you.."
"Good, send him in!"
Vader walked into the room and flopped down in the chair across from Junkee's desk.
"How're you doing?" Junkee asked politely.
"Pretty good, considering. . . ." Vader moaned.
"Considering what?"
Vader held up a piece of paper and held it out for Junkee to read.
Junkee looked at the paper, "What is this?"
Vader sighed, "Yvonne and Sinornis are suing me for assault."
"That's absurd! You only punched Sinornis. And you attacked Yvonne out of self defense!"
"I know!" Vader exclaimed.
"What're you going to do?" Junkee asked.
"Well, I sure as hell don't have the money they want me to pay!" Vader ran his fingers through his hair,
"How much is it?"
"Fifty dollars. . . ."
Junkee fell out of his chair laughing.
"What's so funny?" Vader asked, obviously confused.
"Jeez, how much does a lawyer make?"
"I'm not a lawyer."
"Wha---"
"You were my first case in a long time, Junkee. I dropped being a lawyer a long time ago."
"So, what have you been doing for money?" Junkee asked.
Vader smiled and pulled out a small little disc, "I've been making mini Frisbees."
"Wha----"
"I think I could make an instant fortune with these things," Vader said handing the small Frisbees to Junkee.
Junkee looked at it for a moment, and then threw it at Vader, hitting him between the eyes. "You dimwit! You don't drop being a lawyer so that you can make mini Frisbees!"
"But, these mini Frisbees will revolutionize the world of toys as we know it!"
"What are you talking about? Mini Frisbees have been around for years!"
"Too true! But, my Frisbees have The College Years written on the top of them, which makes them super special!"
"Are you high?" Junkee demanded.
"Yes indeed! But, that's beside the point! I need fifty dollars!" Vader said.
Junkee sighed and handed fifty dollars to Vader.
Vader smiled and shook hands with Junkee, "Thank man, I owe you one."
Then Vader began to leave the room, but standing in the doorway, was a gigantic figure of a man.
"Oh jeez, you're an ugly looking bastard!" Vader yelled as he almost ran into the man. "How many times did your mother drop you on your face?"
The man roared and picked up Vader and threw him screaming out the window.
Junkee acted like he hadn't seen the act of violence and said, "Ah, nice to see you again Rez! Still got the imprint of the hood of my car on your stomach?"
Rez growled, and simply sat down in one of the chairs of the office.
"So, what seems to be your problem?" Junkee asked.
"I have no problem," Rez stated in a stern monotone voice.
"Oh, uh huh, yeah, sure. . . . that's fascinating. Because if you don't have a problem why did you attempt to kill me last night?"
Rez simply shrugged, "I was hungry."
"So, you just go around sucking people's blood, whenever you're hungry?"
Rez nodded, "More or less."
"Meaning. . . ."
"Sometimes I like to just eat a bagel."
Dr. Junkee rolled his eyes. "Okay. . . . how do you think I can help you, Rez?"
Rez frowned, "I already told you, I have no problem."
"But you kill people when you're hungry. . . . I'm sure the people that you killed think you have a problem."
"I'm a vampire, Doc. And vampires do kill people."
"Are you really a vampire, or do you just think you're a vampire because your teeth are a little bit pointy?"
"I don't have to listen to this. I'm a friggin vampire, man! And I'll kill you right now!"
Just then, a person jumped through the broken window and into Junkee's office. The person was muscular and youthful looking.
The man smiled and looked at Rez, "Oy, Rez, you’re going to a shrink now?"
"Shut up, Slayer," Rez growled, getting out of the chair.
"Uh, yes, please do shut up. I prefer to be called Doctor, and not shrink," Junkee said.
The Slayer looked at Junkee, and said, "Who are you?"
Junkee raised his chin and announced in a loud voice, "I am Dr. Junkee! Known the world over for my psychiatric skills and my good looks! Plus not to mention for this silly little series we're all a part off" Then Junkee's face turned serious, "And, who are you?"
"Ben Summers, the chosen Slayer of these pitiful creatures."
"Hey! That hurts!" Rez said.
"Sorry," Ben said.
"And, may I ask what you're doing breaking into my office?" Junkee asked.
"I've come to kill the vampire."
"But he's my patient," Junkee said.
"Yeah! Here that, Ben? I'm his patient, I wanna get better! You don't wanna kill me!" Rez yelled.
Ben looked skeptical, "Is the vampire speaking the truth?"
Junkee tilted his head to the side, "More or less. But if it's your job to kill him, go right ahead. He put the nastiest bump in the hood of my car when I ran into him."
Ben looked shocked, "You thought running him over with a car would kill him?"
"No! Of course not! I just wanted to stun the ugly bastard."
"Hey! I'm still here guys!" Rez shouted. "And I'd appreciate it if you weren't speaking of my doom and stuff."
"So, can I kill him?" Ben asked.
"Only if I can watch," Junkee smiled.
Ben picked up a block of cheese from Junkee's desk, and hurled it so hard at Rez's head, that it decapitated him. There was a puff of dust, and then; nothing.
"What'd ya think?" Ben asked.
"Vampire deaths are so over rated. No wonder I never liked Dracula."
Ben laughed as he waved good bye, and jumped out the window.
"Wow, would you look at that," Junkee said. "I didn't have to throw him out the window, he just jumped out himself! Uncanny!"
There was another knock on the door, Junkee turned and saw Crow sitting in his wheelchair by the door.
"What do you want?" Junkee demanded.
Crow looked confused, "Where's Rez?"
Junkee pointed to the pile of dust on the floor.
"Woah, you killed him," Crow said, staring at the dust.
"Hardly. . . . some guy jumped into the window and took Rez's head off."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Call the janitor to clean up this dusty mess."
"Alright. Oh, and I almost forgot, Yvonne is here to see you," Crow said, wheeling away from the office.
"Oh yay," Junkee said sarcastically.
Yvonne walked into the office, she had a black eye and a bruise on the side of her face.
"Who hit you with the ugly stick?" Junkee asked with a smile.
"Shut up, dork. You know damn well Vader hit me with the ugly stick," Yvonne snapped.
"Ha! So you admit you're ugly!"
"Shut up!"
"Okay. . . . settle down. This is supposed to be a show about a psychiatrist and his patients, not a show about a dumb girl who can't stand it when someone calls her ugly."
"You're so full of shit," Yvonne snarled.
Junkee burst out laughing, "Again with the humor and profanity! Good stuff! Anyway, let's begin, okay?"
Yvonne folded her arms across her head and looked up at the ceiling, not saying anything.
"Ahh. . . . going to be a little brat today, are we?"
Yvonne said nothing.
"Okay then, if you're going to be a brat, then this session is over now," Junkee said.
"Really?" Yvonne's face lit up.
"Yes, really," Junkee said as he picked Yvonne up and threw her out the window. He cringed as he heard her smack the ground below. "Ooooo. . . . nice form, a little rough on the landing though. She may have to settle for the bronze." Junkee laughed at his own joke, (even though he himself knew it sucked) then turned around, and to his surprise ran right into the chest of a very big man. Junkee lost his balance, and began to fall out the window.
On the ground below, he could hear Yvonne chanting, "Fall! Fall! Fall!"
But Junkee was able to save himself and pull himself back through the window.
He looked at the big man with a tremendous rage within his eyes, "Why didn't you help me!"
The man frowned, "I was called up here to clean he floor, not save anyone from their deaths. I'm the janitor sir."
Junkee curled his lip, and read the name tag on the man's chest: Martin Randle.
"Mr. Randle, do you understand, that I could take your job from you for not helping me?" Junkee said.
"Wha--- please don't do that, sir! This job is all I have!" Martin hugged the broom in his hand and began to sob.
"Fine! Keep your job! It's probably a worse punishment to clean up after those people," Junkee pointed outside, where MegalodonLives was running around naked, "than it is to have your job taken away from you."
"Oh thank you, sir!" Martin said.
"Now clean up that mess of dust on the floor."
"Yes sir," Martin said as he bent down to clean up the dust on the floor. "Oh my God. . . . what was this dust from?"
Junkee shrugged his shoulders, "Just a Denmarki---"
"Poochy? Poochy it is you!"
"Poochy? What the hell is a Poochy?"
"Poochy's my pet poodle that I had cremated a month ago. One of the patients. . . . . the crazy one. . . ."
"They're all crazy, Martin," Junkee said.
"Oh, right! He was really short, with a red hair. He's the one that keeps going around stealing people's food. . . . dumb kid stole my Funyuns yesterday, and my Pop-Tarts the day before."
"You mean Carna."
"Yeah, that's him! Anyways, he stole my Poochy's ashes."
"Oh, did he now?"
"And you found the ashes Doc! You found Poochy!" Martin said as he walked towards Junkee and gave him a big hug.
"Uhhh. . . . what are you doing?" Junkee said.
"I'm giving you a hug for finding Poochy's ashes," Martin said.
"Uhhh. . . . those ashes aren't Poochy's."
"They ain't?"
"No, they're the ashes of a Denmarkian vampire named Rez."
"What?"
Junkee sighed and repeated himself extra slow so Martin could understand, "These. . . . ashes. . . . are. . . . the. . . . ashes. . . . . of. . . . a. . . . . Denmarkian. . . . vampire."
"Whasat?"
"Whasat? Jeez, what language are you speaking, lad?"
"I must now go kill Carna!" Martin yelled.
"Okay fine, see if I care, but make sure you make it look like an accident."
"Yes sir!" Martin said as he left the office, totally forgetting about the dust.
Junkee sighed, and shouted, "Crow!"
Crow came to the door in his wheelchair and body casts, "Yes sir?"
"Clean up this mess," Junkee said, pointing at the dust on the floor.
"But sir, I'm in a wheelchair---"
"No buts!"
"But I need my buts, sir!"
"What?"
"I need to but so I can tell you that I can't but you don't listen to me, but you should."
"What? Ehh, never mind, just call in someone else to clean up the dust."
"Couldn't you, sir?"
::::Insert scary dramatic music here::::
"What was that?" Junkee snarled.
Crow swallowed and then repeated, "Couldn't you clean it up?"
Junkee roared and ran at Crow for saying such an absurd thing.
Crow screamed and began to use his wheelchair to ride away from Junkee.
"I'm going to throw you out a window, Crow!"
Crow gasped and tried to go faster.
One of the patients, jmock5, walked out of his room and into the middle of the hallway, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Woohoo! I'm a starfish!"
Crow screamed as he ran directly into jmock5, sending them both sprawling to the ground.
Junkee walked over to Crow and looked down at him with pity.
"Please sir, I didn't mean it!" Crow pleaded.
Junkee paid no attention, he reached down and grabbed Crow around the neck and lifted him off the floor. Meanwhile, jmock5 was rolling around on the floor, telling the world what a great starfish he was.
Junkee looked into Crow's eyes and brought back his fist to punch the handicapped man. But something out of the corner of his eye, made him drop his fist and Crow.
Junkee turned away from Crow and looked at the person to his right.
"Ah, if it isn't my favorite police chief, Rick Arnold," Junkee said with a smile.
"Were you about to beat that man?" Arnold asked.
"Uhh. . . .no, it was just an act. For the patients, you know."
"Uh huh, I see. . . ."
"What brings you to our little hospital in the woods, Mr. Arnold?"
Arnold sighed and yanked up a man in a straight jacket who had been sitting in a chair, "This is what brings me to your hospital, Dr. Junkee. It seems this man has been attacking women, squirrels, and cats in the neighborhood for weeks. We've only just caught him. And he's definitely in need of medical and mental care. I was hoping you could help the poor soul."
Junkee looked at the man in the straight jacket. He was young, only about fifteen, and had unruly hair and was sweating everywhere (and yes, I mean everywhere). "Sure, I suppose I could help you. What's the little guy's name?"
"Dino_Dude. . . . apparently he's from Australia, but his speak is hard to understand. Here watch," Rick Arnold said as he pulled out a cattle prod and zapped Dino_Dude in the back.
Dino_Dude screamed in pain and then yelled, "Argarsh blok me blur! Gosh peesh uk nontukit!"
"Ponderous," Junkee said.
Rick Arnold nodded his head, "Yes, very."
Dino_Dude screamed, "Wartoo deetooa!" then he bit onto Rick's hand.
Rick Arnold shouted and slapped Dino_Dude across the face, and then used the cattle prod on his crotch. Dino_Dude wailed and convulsed as the electric currents washed through his body. . . but mainly his crotch.
"Umm, that's a bit. . . . wrong, don't you think?" Junkee asked.
"Oh, yes. . . I suppose you're right," Arnold said as he turned off the cattle prod.
"Do you have any background on this guy?"
"I sure do," Rick Arnold said, as he presented a folder. "How about I let you look that over, and I'll have this guy put away somewhere?"
"Okay, sure," Junkee said as he began to read the folder. "Malcolm!"
Malcolm(admin) walked over to Dr. Junkee. Malcolm was a very muscualr man, he was the head orderly at the hospital, "Yes, Doctor?"
"Help Chief Arnold take this patient to one of the holding cells. . . one of the padded ones."
"Yes sir," Malcolm said, as he and Rick Arnold led the crazed Dino_Dude away.
Dr. Junkee looked at the folder in his hands, and opened it.
Name: Dino_Dude
Age: 15
Weight: He wouldn't tell us, and that's usually a bad sign.
History: None from what we can figure. But we think he became odd when his sister went insane and was put into a mental institution.
Family or Relatives: Heh, you heard that about the sister, and now you're really curious, aren't you? Okay, we won't delay it any longer. His only living relative, is his sister; Yvonne.
"Oh shit, this cannot end well," Junkee muttered.
BOOM wasn't that a great ending?
Okay, you can stop applauding now, really.
Oh, I don't deserve this! Please stop. . . .
Why the hell are you stopping? Cheer for me!
That's better. . . . now until next time!
I am a REAL Doctor!
-- Dr. Junkee
3/20/2003 11:35:56 PM
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