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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 12)
By JPJunkee
THE BIG BANG WENT BOOM
"CRAW!" said the Penguin as it leapt into the air, and dove head first at Speilberg1213.
Speilberg1213 whipped his silver wire things to the side, and intercepted the Penguin, sending it flying to the ground.
Dr. Junkee stopped in his tracks, and looked down at the fallen Penguin, that now looked unconscious. Then, he muttered to himself, "Hmm, perhaps fighting this thing wasn't one of my better ideas." He heard a swooshing in the air, and ducked just in time as the wire things went slashing through the air over his head.
"Bring it!" Spielberg1213 shouted.
"I will!" Junkee barked back at the robot guy.
"Then do!"
"I am!"
"Nuh uh!"
"What do you know?! Stupid robot filmmaker guy!"
Speilberg1213 didn't like that remark. His eyes turned red, then his shirt opened up, and a big laser cannon came out of his belly.
"Holy shit!" Junkee gasped in astonishment.
"Haha!" Drucifer laughed, standing at a distance to the right, with Yvonne at his side. "I thought of everything, you see?"
Dr. Junkee rolled to the side, as a burst of laser fire nearly burnt him into a flaming crisp. "Ha! Missed me!" he shouted happily at Speilberg1213.
Spielberg1213 shot another blast of laser fire at Junkee, and he hopped up to avoid it.
"I am invincible! And you. . . . well you directed Hook."
Speilberg1213 curled his lip, then adjusted his wire frame glasses, and shot another laser at Junkee.
Again Junkee rolled to the side, and avoided being hit. "This is too easy!"
Spielberg1213 shook his head with rage. "You die now!" Then, his hands, knee caps, feet, and mouth opened up, and laser guns came out.
"Uh oh, this could complicate things a bit," Junkee murmured.
The laser guns fired, sending golden little bursts of energy hurtling towards Junkee's body.
"Bloody hell."
The lasers struck Junkee, and there was a flash of blinding light and a piercing sound of screaming and a big BANG. All the while, Yvonne and Drucifer laughed, and watched it all as if it was a fireworks show.
* * *
Martin heard a loud thump of something against metal. He turned to look at the street. There was a car with a dented front end, and laying on its hood, was the body of Dark Hunter. . . and Moppy!
"Yay! I found you!" Martin cried, as he bounded over to the car wreck in the street.
By now, someone was getting out of the car, and was checking on Dark Hunter. Martin instantly recognized the driver of the car to be Sinornis. . . Yvonne's lawyer.
Sinornis put his hand on Dark Hunter's neck, then exclaimed, "Oh God! I killed him!"
Martin walked methodically up to Dark Hunter. . . then quickly snatched the mop out of his hand.
"How can I live with myself, knowing that I killed a man?!" Sinornis cried.
Martin fingered the mop tightly, then said, "It's you."
Sinornis looked at Martin strangely. "Sorry?"
"This all goes back to you. It's your fault. Because if you had sent Dr. Junkee to the asylum, where he belonged (read the first episode, if you're confused. Haha! I am so clever), none of this would have happened! The Penguin, me being a green monster thing, me going to prison, Yvonne getting the crap beaten out of her dozens of times, Junkee always winning. . . it's all because of you."
Sinornis shook his head, "Um, no I think you're mistaken. Who do you think I am?"
Martin gripped the mop even tighter, "You are Sinornis."
Sinornis looked at his feet, "Um, no, I'm not Sinornis."
"Oh? Then who are you?"
"Um, uhh, ehhh. . . . I'm George W. Bush," Sinornis lied flawlessly.
Martin's eyes narrowed. "Really?"
"Yes, really," Sinornis nodded quickly. He couldn't believe he was actually tricking this guy.
"Okay, in that case." Martin swung the mop hard, and struck Sinornis in the belly.
The lying lawyer gasped, then collapsed to the ground.
Martin smiled and twirled the mop in his hands. He was about to turn away, when he remembered that there was a dead guy on the hood of the car he was standing by. It didn't feel right just leaving a dead guy here. Hmm. . . . what to do. . .
Martin reached down, and picked up Dark Hunter's limp body, and put him over his right shoulder. Then, his mop in his left hand, he walked away from the car. Unknowingly walking towards one of the biggest damn confrontations between good guys and bad guys ever. . . . well. . . okay, maybe that's a little much. . . but still.
* * *
Spielberg1213 turned off all his lasers. There was now just a big smoking crater where Junkee had once been. Spielberg1213 smiled, then walked over to Drucifer and Yvonne, who were clapping their hands happily.
"That was very good, Spielberg1213," Drucifer praised. "Nicely done."
"You killed Junkee. . . wow. . . you're my hero," Yvonne said, nearly speechless.
"All in a days work," Spielberg1213 nodded.
"So, what do you want to do now?" Drucifer asked.
"I don't know, want to get some pizza?" Yvonne shrugged.
"Sure," Drucifer nodded. "As long as it isn't cold. I HATE cold pizza!" (Ha!)
"I could go for some breadsticks," Spielberg1213 commented, rubbing his laser cannon belly.
"Do robots eat food?" Yvonne inquired.
"Well, some robots don't, but I do. Especially bready foods. Yum! Those are good---"
"Tak taki!" Vader screamed as he leapt up on Spielberg1213's back. He wrapped his arms around the robot's head, and began to twist and pull.
"Hey! Get off!" Spielberg1213 demanded.
"Robot scum! I kill you!" Vader roared, as he yanked and pulled at the robot's head.
"Hey! Be nice and do what the robot told you! Get off!" Drucifer said. And when Vader failed to comply, he added, "Do you want me to get the hose?!"
"Ouch, you're hurting my neck," Spielberg1213 said, as sparks began to spray out from his neck and shoulders.
With one final pull, Vader yanked off the head of Spielberg1213. Instantly, the robot body went limp, and then collapsed. Vader grinned wickedly as he held the head of the robot.
"Uh oh, what do we do now?" Yvonne whispered to Drucifer.
Vader stared at the blank eyes of Spielberg1213, then he looked up at Yvonne and Drucifer.
"Um, run," Drucifer said.
"Tak taki!"
"Gah!" Yvonne and Drucifer cried in unison, as they began to retreat from the crazy Vader, who chased after them, with the robot skull held high above his head.
* * *
The world was dark. . . . so dark. . . you couldn't really tell if it was dark, or if there was nothing at all, and only gave the impression that it was dark. . . but no, it was dark.
There was nothing to it. Just darkness (in case it wasn't already clear to you, by now).
Then suddenly, two figures appeared, they glowed a bright shiny white against the darkness. It was Dr. Junkee and Dark Hunter.
Junkee and Dark Hunter exchanged glances, then Junkee said, "You're all shiny. What's up with that? This isn't Vegas, you know?"
"You're shiny looking too. . . stupid guy," Dark Hunter shot back. He smiled, obviously pleased with his. . . intelligent wit.
Junkee looked down at himself, and indeed, Dark Hunter was right. They were both wearing white tuxedos, that shone brightly like a deep sea fish during mating season, or something.
"Bah! I look terrible in white!" Junkee growled.
"I don't," Dark Hunter said as he looked at the suit he was wearing. "I think I look rather dashing."
"Yeah, well, you're in denial, my friend."
"No I'm not."
"See?"
Dark Hunter glared at Junkee.
"So where do you think we are?" Junkee asked, looking around. It was still all dark. . . . damn darkness.
"I think we're in Martha Stewart's dream cloud," Dark Hunter nodded, thoughtfully.
"How the hell did you come to that conclusion?"
"It's the only thing that makes sense."
Junkee threw his hands up in the air. "What are you talking about?! Saying that we're in hell would make more sense than saying we're in Martha Stewart's dream cloud."
"You think we're in hell?" Dark Hunter moaned.
"Well, I know I died. . . and I sure as hell don't think I'm going to be a guy that goes to heaven, if ya know what I mean."
"You're a bad guy?"
Junkee's mouth dropped open. "Where have you been all this time, lad?"
"Well, why am I in hell? I'm not a bad guy."
"Well. . . umm. . . I'm still working on that."
"Oh God!" Dark Hunter cried abruptly.
"What?"
"I died! Oh how terrible! Gahhhhh!"
"Umm."
"I was so young! Ahaaaaaa! Ahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaa!" Dark Hunter began to sob.
"Uhh, shut up, you're making me feel emotional. I don't like it."
"Ahhhhh! I died!" he continued to cry.
"I said shut up!"
"Ahhhh!"
"Zip it!"
"Ahhhh!"
"Mackacelhem!"
"Ahhhhh!"
"SILENCE!" a loud booming voice from out of the stupid darkness demanded.
"What the hell was that?" Junkee whispered.
"Santa?" Dark Hunter said, wiping away tears.
"No. . . I am not Santa. How in the world could you come to that conclusion?" the voice commented.
"Yeah. . . he's like that," Junkee said.
"Who are you?" Dark Hunter asked.
"I. . . . am. . . . a God!"
"I figured as much, since you appear in a different color font," Junkee said.
"Hehe," Dark Hunter giggled.
"What's your name?" Junkee asked.
"My name. . . . uhh. . . . I have no name."
"That's pretty hard to believe. All the other Gods had names. . . Prove to me that you're a God," Junkee said.
"You need proof? I show up in blue font!"
"True, true, but I need more proof."
"What would prove to you, that I am in fact, a God?"
Junkee rubbed his chin as he thought i over, then he said, "Strike Dark Hunter with a bolt of lightning."
"What?!"
A blue bolt of lightning came from out of the darkness, and struck Dark Hunter in the chest and sent him flying onto his back.
"Okay, you're a God," Junkee nodded.
Dark Hunter slowly stood up, his white suit now smoking and charred in places. "To what do we owe the. . . pleasure. . . God guy?"
"Yeah? Where are we? What's going on?"
"Am I in hell?!"
"Calm down. First, let me say, that you both are indeed, dead."
"Shit, I knew this was going to happen someday," Junkee stomped his foot.
"Oh God, how terrible!" Dark Hunter wailed.
"You are not in hell. Nor are you in heaven. You are in---"
"Martha Stewart's dream cloud?!" Dark Hunter shouted.
Another bolt of lighting struck Dark Hunter, and sent him flying again.
"As I was saying. . . You are probably thinking that if you're dead and not in hell or heaven, but yet are talking to a God, that you must be in Limbo. But no. You two are now the kind of entities that would pass through Limbo. You are special." the God explained.
"My mommy always said I was special," Dark Hunter smiled as he stood up from the ground again, his face a black mess of burnt flesh.
"Are you saying we're ghosts?" Junkee asked.
"No. . . You two are far more important than any simple specters. You had Gods within your minds, and their powers rubbed off on you. You have become, the Sprinkle Brothers."
Junkee's jaw dropped. "Sprinkle Brothers?"
"I like sprinkles!" Dark Hunter smiled.
"Sure, yeah, a horse with wings is called Pegasus, and a woman with snakes infecting her scalp like psoriasis, is named Medusa. But, when two guys get Gods stuck in their minds, they become the Sprinkle Brothers?! What kind of messed up Universe is this?!"
"You are the chosen. Do you mock your chosen names?"
"Damn straight!"
"In that case! You will be punished!"
"Me too?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Yes! You both will be punished for mocking the Godly names! You will be sent back to Earth, where you will both die of old age!" the God with blue font roared.
There was a zap, and then the darkness turned to harsh white. Junkee and Dark Hunter shielded their eyes and braced themselves for what was about to come.
* * *
"How long will he chase us?" Drucifer yelled, as he looked over his shoulder to see that Vader was still pursuing them.
"Forever," Yvonne replied.
"What kind of freak chases you forever?"
"Vader's kind."
"Oh."
"I will feed you to little spotted lizards with fat tongues, and then let worms nibble on your brain matter!" Vader shouted.
"Gah!" Drucifer screamed, as they continued to run away.
* * *
As Martin walked along the street, with Moppy in one hand, and Dark Hunter's body resting on his shoulder, he sang rather loudly to himself. He was in a happy mood, afterall.
"Here's a song about eating food.
Well, I would climb the deepest river!
Swim the highest mountain!
I'd dip my feet in lemonade!
If I thought that'd do the trick!
I would dip my pig in butter!
And ride him around the playground!
If I thought it'd make you love me, I'd put soup on a stick!
Soup on a stick!
I knew a girl named Zoey
Who lived in Chicagoey
She moved to Buffaloey
Where it's snowy
But that's another stowy
Gah!
Zoe had a sister!
And I could not resist her!
I tried one time to kiss her, but I missed her!
And that's how I met Zoey!
Gah!
Here's a part about cutting muffins.
I would climb the deepest river!
Swim the highest mountain!
I'd even clean my room!
If I thought that'd do the trick!
I'd trade underwear with Brian!
And give up painting donuts!
If I thought it'd make you love me, I'd put soup on a stick!
. . .something on a. . . stick
Soup. . . on a stick!"
Martin smiled, a bright shiny smile. If he couldn't be a mop, he wanted to be a musician! Hot damn, that would be fun!
Laying on his shoulder, Dark Hunter's eyes suddenly shot open.
Dark Hunter remembered a hopping mop, a big car, and then. . . blue font. Oh, yeah, and something about being dead, too. He looked around quickly. He was being carried on the shoulder of a big man. He could not see the man's face, only his back. Who was this guy? Was it Junkee? Why would Junkee be carrying him?
He decided to find out who the guy was.
Turning his head to look at the back of the guy's neck, and then he began to whisper in a eerie soft voice, "Tell me your name, if you want to live."
Martin stopped walking, and looked all around him. "What was that?"
"It was me," Dark Hunter whispered.
"Gah! I'm hearing voices in my head!" Martin screamed.
"No you're not," Dark Hunter said, as he slapped the back of Martin's head. "It was me."
"Gah! The zombie wants to eat my flesh!" Martin screamed, then promptly threw Dark Hunter off his shoulder and into the middle of the street.
Dark Hunter landed hard, the breath knocked out of him. He shook his head, trying to clear his vision.
"I am the zombie killer!" Martin yelled, holding his mop above his head like a sword.
"I'm not a zombie!" Dark Hunter protested, putting his hands up, awaiting Martin to smack him with the mop.
"Oh yeah? You were dead, but now you're living, you seem like a zombie to me."
"Hmm. . . I see your point."
"Moppy destroys the living dead!"
"I'm not a living dead. I'm an undead!"
"Undead? What's that?"
"It's. . . . a person that was killed, but is now undead, because he was so cool during his first life of not being dead."
Martin rubbed his chin, trying to understand the stupid sentence Dark Hunter had just spoken. Then, he frowned, "Moppy kills undeads, too."
"But, I'm a good undead."
"I don't think so. I think you're a lying undead. And Moppy kills undeads that lie, too."
"Well. . . I could help you."
"Oh?"
"Who do you really want to kill?"
"Mick Jagger," Martin nodded, asnwering the question a bit too quickly.
"Umm. . . which character of this story, would you really want to kill?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Umm. . . well, let's see. . . there's so many people that Moppy wants to kill. . . ."
Dark Hunter nodded patiently.
"But uhh. . . well. . . umm."
A light went on inside Dark Hunter's head. This doofus was taking a long time to think this question out, and now would be the perfect time to escape! Leaping to his feet, he quickly turned and ran away from Martin Randle.
Martin saw Dark Hunter make his retreat and yelled, "You! I want to kill you!"
"Gah!" Dark Hunter screamed as he ran away with Martin close behind.
* * *
"You ever notice something?" Drucifer started.
"What's that?" Yvonne asked.
"There seems to be a very large amount of running in this story." Drucifer looked behind him, to see Vader still in pursuit.
"I was just thinking that."
"Want to stop running, and take our chances with the weird guy?" Drucifer asked.
Yvonne shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
And so, Drucifer and Yvonne stopped running, then turned around to face Vader. They brought their fists up, ready for battle.
Vader stopped running, and smiled. Drucifer and Yvonne were sweaty and very red in the face, obviously worn out from the long run. But Vader looked like he had just woken up. He was not sweating, nor did he look tired. He looked refreshed.
"Um, perhaps this wasn't the best idea," Drucifer said.
"Hehehe," Vader snickered.
"Don't you have any weapons?" Yvonne asked.
"Oh yeah! I nearly forgot!" Drucifer reached into his pocket and pulled out a block of cheese.
"Cheese?"
"Heh, yep! Study your enemies! Junkee always wins, and his only weapons are cheese and needles! Why should it be any different for me, with a block of cheese in my hand?"
"Because Junkee has connections with the author."
"Oh. . . . . . hmm. . . This could be bad."
"Tak taki!" Vader screamed, and pulled his arm back, preparing to throw Speilberg1213's head.
"Oh Lord, help me!" a voice screamed.
Yvonne and Drucifer didn't have time to react, as they were ran into the ground by the running and screaming Dark Hunter. The skull of Spielberg1213 missed Yvonne, Drucifer, and Dark Hunter. But, Dark Hunter's pursuer, Martin, arrived at the wrong time, and was struck in the side of the head with the big ball of metal.
There was a loud thud, and then Martin collapsed to the ground.
Drucifer and Yvonne sat up, and pushed Dark Hunter away from them. They looked at Martin Randle, laying on the ground limp. Then, they looked up at Vader.
Vader looked shocked more than anything.
Yvonne looked back at Martin and whispered, "Is he okay?"
Drucifer shook his head, "I think he's dead."
"Oh God! How terrible!" Dark Hunter bawled.
"I-- I-- I didn't mean to kill him. . ." Vader stuttered.
"Yeah well. . . you did. . ." Drucifer said, checking Martin's neck for a pulse. There was none.
"What is this?!" an angry voice shouted.
"Uh oh," Yvonne sighed.
Dr. Junkee walked over to the group of people laying on the ground. He looked at Vader, who was still in a state of shock. Then, he looked at Martin's dead body, with Moppy laying at his side. And then finally, he looked at Yvonne, Drucifer, and Dark Hunter.
"Huh?! I die, and you guys laugh, and then decide to go out to pizza! Martin dies, and you guys cry?! What the hell is wrong with you people?! Do you hate me that much?" Junkee said, his eyes full of rage and crap.
"We. . . we. . . we killed you," Drucifer stammered.
"Yeah, no shit," Junkee said.
Yvonne looked at Dark Hunter, "You look like you died too."
Dark Hunter grinned wildly. "Yeah, I did. . . Ain't it cool?"
Vader looked at Dark Hunter, and then at Junkee. "They. . . They are The One."
"Is this supposed to be a rip-off of the Matrix now?" Yvonne asked.
"Want it to be?" Junkee replied.
"Sure, why not?" Yvonne shrugged.
"Actually," Drucifer began, "if there are two of them, how could they be 'The One'?"
"They are The Two," Vader said, making his voice all mysterious and cool.
"No. . . I know exactly what we are!" Dark Hunter said.
"Oh? What's that?" Yvonne asked.
"Don't tell them, Dark Hunter," Junkee growled.
Dark Hunter didn't listen to Junkee (a bad thing to do, if you're in my story). "We're the Sprinkle Brothers!" Dark Hunter shouted, putting his hands above his head.
Junkee slapped his forehead.
Drucifer began to roll around on the ground laughing. Yvonne tried not to laugh, as she said, "Sprinkle Brothers?"
"Yeah. We died, and because we had Gods in our minds at one time, we fulfilled some sort of prophecy, and therefore became the Sprinkle Brothers," Junkee explained. "Stupid name, I know."
"Oh no. . . it's not that stupid of a name. . . oh hell, I can't even say that with a straight face," Yvonne began to laugh, and Drucifer laughed even harder than before.
Vader started to giggle a little bit. Junkee snapped his head in his direction and barked, "What are you giggling at?!"
"Well. . . it's kinda funny."
"No, it's not," Junkee said.
"Yeah! It's not funny! The Sprinkle name is a very respected name in olden times," Dark Hunter said.
Yvonne and Drucifer laughed even harder.
"Alright, you know what? Enough of this." Junkee took a gun out of his pocket and pointed it in their direction.
"Hey! What's that gun for?" Drucifer asked, finally having stopped laughing.
"This, is for shooting people."
"Hmm. . . I guess I should have figured that."
"Don't shoot me!" Yvonne cried. "I'm too young to die!"
"You shot me with those laser cannon things, from your robot pal! You didn't seem to concerned with my age of death," Junkee reminded her.
Yvonne tried to think of a good response to that, but of course she only came up with a lame one. "I thought you wanted to die."
"Bloody hell, why would you ever think that?"
"Yeah? Why would you think that?" Dark Hunter said. "Junkee loves to live. Ain't that right Junkee?"
Junkee frowned and shot at Dark Hunter, hitting the ground near his feet. "You don't talk anymore."
Dark Hunter nodded.
"So then, who wants to die first?" Junkee asked.
"Drucifer does," Vader said.
"Why you little!" Drucifer jumped to his feet and ran at Vader. He grabbed Vader's shirt collar, and gave him a real angry eye that would be enough to earn this story an R rating.
Junkee rolled his eyes. "No, you don't offer or choose who dies first. I do."
"Then why'd you ask us?" Dark Hunter said.
Junkee shot again at Dark Hunter, this time the bullet hit the dirt between his legs, near his crotch. Dark Hunter quickly nodded, "Oh yeah, no talking."
"Yvonne dies first," Junkee said.
Yvonne sighed, "I guess that was to be expected."
"Should have been."
"It was."
"Good."
"Are you going to shoot me?"
"I want you to beg for your life first," Junkee said.
"Not gonna happen."
"Oh? Why is that?"
The block of cheese hit Junkee's ear, and he instantly fell to the ground. Dropping his gun, he held his ear, as the sound of the world was like a big ringing bell.
Junkee turned to lay on his back, and looked up to see Yvonne standing over him with the gun pointed at his head. And Drucifer standing beside her, a block of cheese in his hand.
"Ow! You hit me in the ear! . . . With cheese! I knew it would betray me!"
"Behold. . . the power of cheese," Drucifer said.
Junkee gave Drucifer the finger, then looked at Yvonne and the gun. "So, is this how it ends? You're going to kill me? And what about Vader and Dark Hunter?"
Vader and Dark Hunter walked over, their heads held low.
"Sorry, Junk, but. . . you had to have known this day was coming. And. . . I just don't feel like following you to my death," Vader said.
Junkee rolled his eyes, "Coward. Death really isn't that scary. It's just rather boring. . . . and dark. . . lots of dark."
"See ya later, Junk," Vader said, then walked away.
Dark Hunter smiled, "Haha! I have waited so long for this day!"
"The day you watch me die, and you get revenge?"
"No! The day I become the only Sprinkle Brother! Woohoo!" Dark Hunter began to cheer, and then skipped away.
Yvonne cocked the pistol, "Prepared to meet your Maker?"
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. But, I've already met or seen three Gods within the last week, so I'm not expecting anything spectacular, to be honest. Probably just silver font, or something."
Yvonne smiled, and placed her finger on the trigger.
Junkee waited.
And waited. . .
. . . . and waited.
"Gah! I can't do it!" Yvonne exclaimed.
"Why the hell not?" Junkee snapped.
"I might get blood on my shirt," Yvonne frowned.
Drucifer took the gun out of Yvonne's hand. "I'll do it."
Junkee sighed, "You know. It really doesn't have to end this way."
"No?"
"No. You see, all stories with a major antagonist and protagonist usually end with the antagonist dying, and with the main character of this story being me, the antagonist. . . my death would be kind of expected, and a little cliché. You know, my death here would resemble the deaths of the Joker in Batman. . ."
"The Joker wasn't the main character in Batman."
"Sure he was! Either way, it doesn't matter. Listen, my point is this, you kill me and the readers will be all 'blah!' but, if you let me live, readers will be all 'heh, still a stupid story, but Junkee living was a good move on the author's part. Drucifer is my hero!'"
"So, you want the story to end with no dramatic conclusion?" Drucifer asked.
"Sure," Junkee shrugged.
"And Yvonne. . . you'll just let her live?"
"Yeah, as long as you take her away from me. She's more trouble than she's worth."
Drucifer thought it over for a moment, then said, "Okay, sure. You can live." Then Drucifer threw the gun aside.
"You're not going to shoot him?!" Yvonne screamed.
"Tell me Yvonne. What would be better? Junkee's death? Or me being the hero of thousands of little children everywhere?"
"Junkee's death, of course."
"Oh."
Junkee hopped to his feet, still rubbing his ear.
"You promise to never attack either of us again?" Drucifer asked.
"Indeed."
"Okay then. . . you may leave."
Junkee smiled, then turned and walked away, heading down the street where the sun was now beginning to set.
"It's finally over," Drucifer said to Yvonne.
Yvonne frowned. As much as she liked to hear those words, she knew in her gut that this was not the last time she would confront Dr. Junkee.
Yvonne and Drucifer turned away, leaving Martin Randle's dead body behind them.
As their footsteps faded into nothing, the Mop of Magical Majesty began to glow.
THREE DAYS LATER
Dark Hunter smiled as he sat in the waiting room of a nice boring looking dentist office. Beside him, was a little kid of only about four years old. The kid looked frightened out of his wits. . . no, not because of being at the dentist's office. . . but because Dark Hunter was speaking to him.
"Want a lollipop?" Dark Hunter asked.
The kid shook his head.
"Want some money?"
The kid shook his head.
"Want gistrobipastic surgery?"
The kid shook his head really fast.
"You know, many frightened people like me, are afraid of the dentist. But not me! There's nothing to be afraid of. Unless your dentist is---"
The lady at the front desk said, "Dr. Bish will see you now."
"Uh oh," Dark Hunter gasped as he stood up, and then followed the lady to a small room, with one of those big friggin dentist chairs. Slowly, he sat in the chair.
"The Doctor will be with you shortly," the woman said, and then left the room.
Dark Hunter looked around the room. So many scary utensils! His eyes focused on a drill the size of a pencil. Holy crap! He was coming here to get his cavities done. It had been countless years since he had last been to the dentist, and now he finally had the money (don't ask how, but he just does) to go to the dentist. What was he thinking?!
Dark Hunter was about to get out of the chair, when the door opened and a short man with long hair and crzed yellow eyes walked in.
"Are you Dr. Bish?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Are you a cop?" the guy replied.
"No."
"Then yes! I am, Dr. Bish!"
Dark Hunter frowned and sunk back into the chair.
"Okay, let's have a look at that broken arm," Dr. Bish said.
"I don't have a broken arm."
"Ya want one?"
"No thank you."
"Now you understand, there may be some. . . discomfort."
"Oh no! How terrible!" Dark Hunter screamed.
"Don't worry pal, I'm a professional."
"Professional what?"
"Bowler!" Dr. Bish smiled.
Dark Hunter frowned again, then said, "Doctor, can you give me something for the pain?"
"Certainly!" Dr. Bish said, as he punched Dark Hunter in the mouth.
"Ouch!"
"Did ya feel that?"
"Yes," Dark Hunter answered, as blood trickled out of his mouth.
Dr. Bish punched his mouth again.
"I didn't feel that one."
"Good! We're ready! Let's do some drilling!" Dr. Bish went to a desk behind Dark Hunter's chair, and then returned a moment later with a drill the size of Dark Hunter's arm.
"Man that's a big drill!" Dark Hunter exclaimed.
Dr. Bish smiled and leaned closer to Dark Hunter.
"And it's getting bigger! Oh, I wish I was somewhere else! Magic toenail please help me!"
Then everything went shiny and gold, and Dark Hunter disappeared from the chair. And was teleported into the woods.
"And just like that, I was somewhere else! Thank you magic toenail, I salute you!" Dark Hunter smiled, and then began to sing.
"I have a magic toenail,
I keep it on my foot,
It's always there to rescue me,
When something goes, kaput.
It has the cutest cuticles,
Free of all disease,
As toenails go it's really quite extraordinary.
Thank you. . . .
Thank you. . . .
Thank you magic toenail!
Ahh, I love my magic toenail,
It is magical and good,
Sometimes I'll take my toenail to lunch, and give it a sandwich,
Because it likes to eat the sandwich.
Thank you. . . .
Thank you. . . .
Thank you magic toenail!"
Dark Hunter wiped a tear away from his eye. "Ahh. . . this place is so beautiful. So tranquil. I love it."
The ground began to shake, as something large approached.
"What is that?" he said to himself, listening to the sound of the booming footsteps as they grew nearer.
Suddenly, a tree fell to his left, and the head of a tyrannosaurus appeared. The big dinosaur looked down at Dark Hunter and roared.
Dark Hunter smiled, "Magic toenail, don't fail me now!"
The tyrannosaurs stepped towards him.
"Magic toenail?" Dark Hunter said, looking down. On the grass, he saw his toenail running away. "Coward!"
The rex roared again.
"Should I run now?"
The rex nodded.
"Okay. GAHHHH!!!!" Dark Hunter screamed and ran away from the rex.
* * *
"And what did you learn today, Vader?" Dr. Aussie Embryo asked. AE was Vader's Anger Management teacher. And now, the two were standing at the top of a staircase, outside AE's office.
"I learned that 'tak taki' is a swear word in German," Vader said.
"And are you going to continue saying, 'tak taki' and other swear words, no matter their country of origin?"
"Hell yeah."
"Vader. . . ."
"I mean, no, Dr. Aussie Embryo. I'll try to control my profanity, and stop saying 'tak taki'."
"Good. Tomorrow, we will discuss your habit of using brass knuckles on your neighbors," AE said.
"Are you going to suggest I stop using them?" Vader asked.
"Well, yes I am."
Vader tilt his head to the side, "Why?"
"Because such violence is bad for your, and other people's health."
"Oh, is that so?"
"It is."
"Violence like. . .this?" Vader kicked Aussie Embryo in the stomach.
"Yes, exactly like that."
"And what about. . .this?" Vader threw Aussie Embryo down the staircase.
AE rolled down the stairs, and then finally came to rest at the bottom. "Yes, I think you know what I mean. You're catching on well."
Vader smiled, and put the pair of brass knuckles on his hands, then jumped down at Aussie Embryo. "Tak taki!"
* * *
Drucifer led Yvonne down to his basement.
"I don't quite understand this," Yvonne said.
"I have a gift for you. What's not to understand?" Drucifer asked.
"Why are you giving me a gift?"
Drucifer reached the basement door, and turned on the basement light, illuminating all the shiny stuff. "A gift to celebrate your new freedom from Dr. Junkee."
Yvonne smiled. Ahh, freedom. It was a sweet thing.
Drucifer led Yvonne past a table of Rubik’s Cubes, all strapped to big plastic explosives. And then past a table where a robotic poodle lay in pieces, a tag was slapped onto the head of the poodle, that said; OUT OF ORDER. Then, finally, he led Yvonne to a big silver cylinder, that had engraved letters; AG.
Drucifer punched a few buttons on a keypad attached to the silver cylinder. As he was working on the code, Yvonne noticed two jars set on a table. The jars had liquids in them, one was green, the other yellow.
"What's this stuff?" Yvonne asked.
Drucifer looked at the jars, then said, "Open them."
Yvonne was hesitant at first, but then she slowly removed the lids of the jars.
"I'm going to kill you, Dan!" the green jar roared.
"Come get me, bitch!" the yellow jar shouted back.
Then the jars began to shake, and Yvonne quickly put the lids back on them.
"Those, are the Light and Dark Gods. Silly creatures," Drucifer said.
"You're keeping Gods inside jars?"
"Yeah. . . I see no harm in it."
"They're Gods," Yvonne said.
"Yes. . . and they talk funny, too," Drucifer smiled.
There was a hiss of smoke, and then the silver cylinder slowly began to open.
"Brace yourself," Drucifer said.
Yvonne gripped the edge of the table, as the door continued to slide open.
Once the door was open all the way, and the smoke had cleared, a man stepped out. But not just any man. . . it was Sam Neill!
"Pretty good cloning, eh?" Drucifer was grinning ear to ear.
"You made a clone of Sam Neill?" Yvonne said, nearly ready to faint.
"No! That would be too easy. I made a clone of Alan Grant, who was played by Sam Neill. Yvonne, I present to you, AlanGrant5!"
"Hello," AlanGrant5 said, nodding his head at Yvonne.
"Why is there a number at the end of his name? Did it take you five tries to make him correct?"
"Umm. . . no, not exactly no. The first four tries were complete successes. The first clone is out filming a movie in Venice now. The second clone is filming in Australia. The third is talking about animal rights in Africa. And the fourth is out removing the weeds from my garden. The fifth. . . was not successful. So, I'm giving it to you!"
"What's wrong with him?"
"He's a little backwards at times. But, you probably will never notice."
"Why do I get the defected one?"
"Ah ah! Yvonne, never look a gift horse in the mouth," Drucifer wagged his finger back and forth.
AlanGrant5 opened his mouth. Causing Drucifer and Yvonne to both stare. Then, AlanGrant5 said, "I'm starting to gag. . . I think I'm going to throw up."
"Close your mouth then, you dimwit!" Drucifer barked.
AlanGrant5 closed his mouth, and smiled.
"What am I supposed to do with him?" Yvonne asked.
"You're a big fan of Sam Neill, and a big fan of Alan Grant. . . He's now your best friend. . . So. . . Go to Disney Land or something, I don't know. I never really thought this idea through."
"Disney Land?" AlaGrant5 asked. "Can I ride the ponies?"
Yvonne and Drucifer again stared at the clone. There was a long silence, until Drucifer said, "Yes, well, you two should be off then. I have much work to do." Drucifer made a kind smile, and then began to push Yvonne and AlanGrant5 towards the exit.
"What are you working on now?" Yvonne asked.
"Oh, you'll see some other time. But for right now. It's a secret!"
"I have a secret hole on my stomach. I call it my belly button, hehe," AlanGrant5 giggled.
Drucifer opened the basement door, then pushed AlanGrant5 and Yvonne through it. "Ta ta!" he said, and then slammed the door shut.
Yvonne and AlanGrant5 looked at each other at the bottom of the staircase. Yvonne wasn't quite sure of what to do. She was expecting a DVD, or something. But instead, she got a defective clone of her favorite film character. Which was a bit odd, to say the least.
She was about to suggest that AlanGrant5 stay with Drucifer, when AlanGrant5 said, "I like dinosaurs! Rar! Haha!"
Yvonne smiled. Hmm. . . Maybe she could work around the moronic mind of the clone, and just have a good time.
She was free, after all!
* * *
Dr. Junkee sat in his chair in his office, drinking whiskey. It just wasn't the same here anymore. Yvonne was gone, meaning there was no more constant threat to his life. Vader was gone, meaning there was no more entertainment from Vader beating some of the patients to a bloody pulp. And Martin Randle was gone. . . meaning the bathrooms smelled a little bit.
Before there was excitement. There was danger. And there was fun. Now. . . he was like any other professional psychiatrist. He lived a dull life.
It had only been three days, and already he was thinking about a new career.
He took another long swig of whiskey, then there was a knock on the door.
"Come in," Junkee said.
The Crow looked into Junkee's office, and said, "Sir, Dino_Dude is here."
Junkee nodded. "Good, send him in."
Crow moved out of the way, and Dino_Dude entered the office. Dino_Dude was wearing his favorite squirrel costume, still stained for eternity with Pepsi.
"Sit down, Dino_Dude. I have something to tell you."
Dino_Dude shuffled his feet over to one of the chairs, and plunked himself down.
"Where is my sister?" Dino_Dude asked.
"I do not know," Junkee said.
"You were the one that saw her last. What happened to her?"
"She has gone away."
"You let her leave?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because she has been a major thorn in my side for way too long. I had enough. And so did she. So I let her go. She was never really that insane, anyhow."
"Bring her back."
"No, I can't do that."
"I want you to bring her back, now."
"If I did bring her back to the hospital. What then? What would you do, Dino_Dude?"
"I would feed her liver to Pongo," Dino_Dude smiled.
"That's. . . fairly unpleasant."
"I deserve vengeance!"
"No, you deserve medication."
"What do you know? You only went to college, for what? Four years?" Dino_Dude said, standing up from his seat.
"Eight years, actually," Junkee said, pressing a little button underneath his desk.
Dino_Dude walked towards Junkee. "You took away my last chance of revenge. You gave away my sister! And now I'm stuck in this mental institute!"
"Hehe, sucks for you."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"Gee, how many times has someone told me that in the last few weeks? I seemed to have lost count."
Dino_Dude roared and then jumped at Junkee. He grabbed Junkee's throat, and began to choke him.
Suddenly, the door to Junkee's office flew open, and Malcolm(admin) rushed in. He grabbed a hold of Dino_Dude's hair, and yanked him off Junkee.
"Throw him into solitary confinement," Junkee coughed.
Malcolm(admin) nodded.
Dino_Dude shrieked as he elbowed Malcolm in the stomach. Malcolm lost his grip on Dino_Dude, and fell to his knees, gasping for air.
"Albeeta parooneepa!" Dino_Dude screamed.
"Oh, going back to baby talk, eh?" Junkee smiled.
"Bosfoots popul echla!" Dino_Dude growled, as he ran at the window, and leaped out.
Junkee rolled his eyes. Everyday stuff like this was so boring. Bloody hell.
Moments later, Junkee found himself in the staff lounge. It was lunch time, and he thought for a change, he may eat with the other Doctors and staff.
He sat down between SamNeillFan and The Crow. SamNeillFan was eating a deli sandwich. And Crow was enjoying a bowl of soup. Junkee sighed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a shot glass. And then, he reached into his other pockets, and pulled out a can of Pepsi, a bottle of whiskey, and some gummy bears.
Crow stared at Junkee.
Junkee smiled as he opened the can of Pepsi, and filled the shot glass half full. Then, he filled it to the top with some whiskey. Then, finally, he placed a single gummy bear into the drink.
SamNeillFan was staring now, too.
Junkee took a deep breath, then threw the glass back, and swallowed it down. "Ahh. . . good stuff."
SamNeillFan frowned, "Um, Junkee. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Is that all you ever eat at lunch?" Crow asked.
"Yeah, why?"
Crow and SamNeillFan nodded slowly, then looked away.
Junkee rolled his eyes. This place was boring too. Even when he tried to make his life different, it still remained boring. Then, his eyes discovered something in the corner of the room. A TV.
"You guys got a TV in here? How come you never told me?" Junkee asked.
"You never asked," Crow said.
On the TV now, was a news report. But, not just any news report. It was about the events that took place three days ago. Junkee downed the rest of the whiskey, then ran over to the TV, and turned up the volume.
On the screen, was a well dressed reporter, by the name of, Tobycompy.
Tobycompy was saying, "Details remain scarce as to what happened on that terrible day. But, we now have a list of the confirmed dead." A picture of a big guy with a goatee appeared in the corner of the screen, "Kevy Mac, the owner of Pet Paradise lost his life. . . somehow." A picture of a young guy with short hair, and a weird smile took Kevy Mac's place. "Carnotaur3 went POOF in the back of his car. No one knows how. . ." A picture of a young guy with blonde hair showed up. “Darth Chicken was found dead in a tree. . . His mother and father are rejoicing.” A picture of a big guy with a mop appeared, "Martin Randle, a janitor with a nifty mop was stuck with a metal thingy. He died. . . and we know how." A picture of Steven Spielberg appeared, "Acclaimed film director, Steven Spielberg died as well, and also verified theories that he is from outer space!
"The bodies -- and goo -- of the dead were taken to the crime lab for investigation. But, this morning, the body of Martin Randle went missing, as many of the police officers were smacked with some unidentified wooden object. Today, police chief Rick Arnold had this to say."
The news cut to Rick Arnold standing outside the police station, with microphones shoved in his face.
"Mr. Arnold, what do you think of the possibility that Martin Randle came back to life and escaped?" one of the reporters asked.
Rick Arnold shook his head, "We have no reason to believe such things. Mr. Randle is not even a suspect. In fact, we have a prime suspect! His name is JPLuNaTic."
"What does JPLuNaTiC have to do with this whole thing?" another reporter asked.
Arnold stared at the reporter as if it was the dumbest question ever, then he said, "He's a lunatic. . ."
"Mr. Arnold, what are your views on the words written on the wall of the lobby, that say; 'It was me, Martin Randle. I broke out. I am alive. I have survived.'?"
Arnold hesitated then said, "No comment."
The news switched back to Tobycompy. The reporter made a stern face, "Did Randle in fact break loose on his own?. . . there are rumors that something has survived."
Dr. Junkee sat back in a chair, as the news cut to commercials. He sighed, "'Something Has Survived'. . . Bloody hell. . . That's just about the worst sequel tag line I've ever heard."
Dr. Junkee Will Return
And so! Thus ends the first season of The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee! I know it wasn't exactly a BIG finale. . . but. . . I'll make up for it with next season. I've decided, that from this point on, as long as there is interest in this odd "story" of mine, I will continue to write it. But, since the idea shack of mine is running a bit low. . . Next season will be a spoof (a good spoof though. . . I hope). A spoof of what? . . . hehehe.
I'd also like to say thank you to all those that have kept with the story all this time. It means a lot to me. Thanks a lot. Many of you were my inspiration for writing it. . . so. . . yeah. . . oh hell, I'm getting all emotional! Turn the camera away! Oh man!
Next season of Dr. Junkee won't be posted for a little while, I think. I intend to post the second season, once the JP FanFic, Dawn of Retribution (co-written by Yvonne), is finished posting. . . But, we'll see. Anyway, until then. . . I thought I'd give you a little taste of things to come in the Dr. Junkee series soon. So, here's a little trailer (bloody hell, I hate trailers. So. . . why did I write this one?. . . Once again, just like the story. . . hell if I know). And, the trailer will contain jokes I intend to use in the actual story (though some stuff you see in the trailer may not appear in the actual story). . . so don't read the trailer, if you don't want any jokes spoiled. . . . hehe.
THREE MONTHS AFTER THE INCIDENT THAT WAS
The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee
CUT TO quick shots of
Martin Randle being struck in the side of the head with the metal skull of Spielberg1213.
Dr. Junkee throwing The Crow out his office window.
Yvonne shooting an arrow at Vader.
THREE MONTHS AFTER THE CATASTROPHE THAT WAS. . . .
The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee
CUT TO quick shots of
Dac running around on fire.
RaptorVinny throwing an ice-skate at Dr. Junkee.
Dark Hunter driving a Mustang, as Carnotaur3 jumps out the sun roof.
FADE OUT
THERE ARE NOW RUMORS THAT
SOMETHING HAS SURVIVED
FADE TO
Drucifer and Yvonne are sitting at a table. AlanGrant5 smiles and runs past the table.
AlanGrant5: "Hey Drucifer! Watch this! I can make the bird say my name!"
Drucifer: "Oh really?"
AG5 runs up to a bird cage, with a big parrot inside. He waves a cracker in front of the cage, and smiles.
AG5: "Jack. . . say my name."
Jack the bird stares blankly back at him.
AG5: "Jack. . . Jack say my name. Is my name Alan? Is my name Alan?"
Jack: "Although it is within the realm of possibility to escort equus caballus to a location providing a potable mixture of hydrogen and oxygen, one cannot coerce said mammal to imbibe."
AG5 turns to Yvonne and Drucifer.
AG5: "Yvonne I don't like this bird. He talks really odd. . ."
Yvonne: "Try again."
AG5 turns back to the cage.
AG5: "Okay, listen bird. You don't like me, and I don't like you."
Jack: "I like you."
AG5: "Oh. . . . well. . . say my name."
Jack stares blankly at AG5.
AG5: "Damn you bird! We could have a barbecue tomorrow. . . and instead of chicken. . . we'll have pork!"
AG5 points his finger at the bird. Jack takes the opportunity, and bites onto AG5's finger, and begins to shake him to and fro.
AG5: "Gah! The humanity!"
Yvonne and Drucifer look away from AG5, and exchange confused and concerned expressions.
Yvonne: "So, what brings you here, Dru?"
Drucifer: "I came here to tell you something."
AlanGrant5 ran by, his hand dripping blood on the carpet. Drucifer acted as though he hadn't even seen it.
Drucifer: "I own an island, off the coast of Costa Rica. I bought it from an old guy with a white beard and a Scottish/English/Irish/Denmarkish/Jamaican accent---"
Yvonne: "John Hammond?"
Drucifer: "No, Santa Clause. . . Anyway. . . I've spent the last few years setting up a sort of biological preserve. Really spectacular. Especially considering all the money I saved using supplies from the dollar store, hehe."
Yvonne: "What's this have to do with me?"
AG5 sits down next to Yvonne, a wad of blood stained napkins on his hand.
AG5: "Yeah. . . what gives?"
Drucifer: "Well, I would love it if you two would check it out. . . give me your opinions on the park."
Yvonne: "Why would you care what we think?"
AG5: "What kind of park is this? A petting zoo?! Oh, can I ride the ponies?! Can I?! Can I?!"
Drucifer stares at AG5, slightly frightened.
FADE TO
Dr. Junkee sitting in a small jet as it flies over the ocean. He stares straight forward, and sharpens cheese in his hands, trying to block out the constant babble of the other passengers.
Aragorn: "I'm King of the World!"
jmock5: "Yeah. . . and I'm a starfish. . . woohoo!"
Dino_Dude: "You are both deluded freaks!"
Dac: "Nuh uh! You are!"
Dino_Dude: "How would you know? . . . Freak?"
Dr. Junkee stands up from his seat.
Dr. Junkee: "Shut up! Or none of you will get to visit the island, I'll turn this plane around right now!"
jmock5: "Woohoo!"
Vader stands up from his seat in the back of the jet, and punches jmock5.
Dr. Junkee glares at his patients, then sits back down in his chair.
FADE TO
Yvonne and AlanGrant5 staring at an enormous brachiosaurus as it eats from the tops of trees. Drucifer stands to the side, admiring Yvonne's shocked expression.
Yvonne: "This is. . . this is incredible."
AlanGrant5: "Bleh! It's so fake!"
Drucifer: "I assure you, it's not fake. That is a real dinosaur."
AlanGrant5: "Oh yeah? Where's your receipt?"
Drucifer: "Wha---"
REALLY BIG LIZARDS
FADE TO
Dr. Junkee and Vader stand abosolutely still, as a velociraptor walks stealthily towards them.
Dr. Junkee: "This cannot end well. . . "
Vader: "I have an idea."
Vader begins to walk towards the raptor.
Dr. Junkee: "Don't do what I think you're about to---"
Vader: "Tak taki!"
REALLY THIN PLOT
CUT TO quick shots
Yvonne screaming "shit" over and over again as a rex chases her.
Dr. Junkee throwing a piece of burning cheese at a rex.
Dark Hunter throwing bottle caps at compys.
Host running from a rex, while waving a flair and yelling, "Stop chasing me, you dolt!"
DR. JUNKEE 2
(title will change, no doubt about that)
FADE TO
Martin Randle standing on a rock, with Moppy in his hands, he is glowing white, and has a long beard and a pointy hat. Yvonne and Drucifer shield their eyes from the bright light.
Drucifer: "It cannot be."
Martin: "I have come back to you. . . at the turn of the tide. . . . hehehe."
-- Dr. Junkee
5/29/2003 1:04:02 AM
(Updated: 6/10/2003 11:39:08 AM)
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