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The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 11)
By JPJunkee
THE PENGUIN PROPHECIES
(this title just sounds cool, but really has no true meaning to this part of the story.
Which, I suppose makes sense. Since most of the story doesn't make sense to
be an actual written story. But still, here it is. It took a long while to write, and sometimes
I wonder; 'why the bloody hell am I writing this?' The answer is simple.
Hell if I know.)
This senseless ramble brought to you by JPJunkee and Pepsi
Dr. Junkee fought with his seatbelt. He was still strapped into the driver's seat of his wrecked Dodge Viper. Beside him, Yvonne was also fighting to get out of her seatbelt.
"Stupid foreign cars," Junkee grumbled.
"Umm, I'm sorry, but I do believe Dodge vehicles are American made cars," Bob said in the back of Junkee's head.
"What do you know? You're just a voice!" Junkee yelled.
Yvonne gave him an odd look. "Why are you talking to yourself?" she asked.
"I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to Bob. A voice that got stuck in my head after I drank Windex."
"I am not just a voice! I am a God! A DARK GOD!"
"You know what? You have shown me no proof of you being Godly at all. . . other than the fact that I can sort of stop bullets and stuff," Junkee pointed out.
"You need more proof?!"
"Damn straight!" Junkee said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Okay fine!" Bob shouted.
Junkee's head began to shake, and then his tongue stuck out between his lips, and he went limp, unable to move a muscle in his body.
"Haha! Now that's a Godly power, eh? I have paralyzed you!"
Junkee's words just barely escaped his lips, as he muttered, "Asshole! Let me move!"
"Not until you admit to yourself, that I am a God."
"No."
The car began to rock. At first Junkee thought that it must have been Bob playing more tricks to show off his 'powers', until he looked out the shattered windshield, and saw Martin climbing up onto the crunched hood of the car.
"Gah!" Junkee screamed.
Martin pulled the mop out of the windshield and then held it above his head. "Ha! The mop is mine! You try to kill me! Now you and Yvonne die!"
"Why do I die?" Yvonne asked.
"Because you are no longer needed to keep the story moving along," Martin said.
"Oh, shit," Yvonne whispered as she looked down at her feet, awaiting her impending doom.
"I can make this all stop, if you admit I'm a God."
"No," Junkee said.
Martin waved his mop around and yelled in a booming voice, "I Martin, wielder of the Mop of Magical Majesty, will now strike you down, because I am a Janitor! And I must clean the world, and to clean it, I must get rid of the people that are dirty! And you are not clean, therefore, you are dirty! YES!"
"Bleh! What a crappy speech!" Junkee complained.
Martin looked shocked. "Really?"
"Oh, indeed. Who wrote that crap? You sound like a friggin Elementary student declaring war on worms because they ate your cookies."
"I didn't think it was that bad," Martin frowned.
"That's because you have no vision! Stupid. . . person!"
"Err, don't call me names, or I'll kill you!"
"You were going to kill me anyway. . . or did you forget?"
"Argh, now you mock my memory?!"
"And if I am?"
"I'll kill you!"
"Ahahahaha! This is fun!" Junkee laughed.
"Stop it, Junkee!" Yvonne pleaded.
Junkee laughed even harder.
Martin held the mop over his head again, and it began to glow a shiny glowing color. . . that was kind of gold. . . but kind of purple at the same time. . . you had to be there. Then, he yelled out a war cry of sorts, and brought the mop arching down at the torn convertible roof of the car.
Yvonne screamed.
Junkee continued to laugh his ass off.
Then a figure came jumping up over the back of the Viper, and came dashing down at Martin, all the while screaming, "Tak taki!"
Seconds before the mop hit the roof of the Viper, the screaming man struck Martin in the chest, and they both went flying to the ground.
"It's a miracle!" Yvonne cried with a big smile on her face.
"No," Junkee said, "it was Vader."
"See? I used my God powers to summon Vader to help us!" Bob said.
"You think I'm stupid?" Junkee barked.
"I do!" Yvonne instantly shouted.
"Why I oughta!" Junkee growled, but was unable to reach Yvonne because of his paralyzed state. Yvonne began to laugh mockingly at him.
"Just say that you believe I am a God, and I’ll---"
"Fine! You're a God!"
"Bingo!"
Junkee's body became operational again, and he reached over at Yvonne and began to strangle her.
Then, Junkee's door opened, and Vader looked inside, and said, "Hiya, Doc!"
Junkee let go of Yvonne's throat, and turned to Vader, "Get me out of here!"
"Certainly!" Vader took a knife from his pocket, and quickly cut Junkee's seat belt. Junkee then was able to crawl out of the wrecked car.
Once Junkee got to his feet, he looked in at Yvonne and smiled. "The car should be exploding soon. . . so I have to go."
"You're going to leave me here?!" Yvonne screamed.
"Yes, I just don't have the time to save your life and mine."
"What are you talking about?! There's not even a fire yet!"
"Oooo! FIRE! BURN!"
"Good bye, Yvonne," Junkee said, then turned away.
Vader then walked to the door, and smiled at Yvonne as he said, "Good bye telekinetic freakazoid."
* * *
Martin Randle lay unconscious on his back. In his mind, he thought about how cool it would be if he too, was a mop. Oh, hot damn, that would be so cool!
* * *
Dr. Junkee walked along side Vader down the street. Martin was out cold. Yvonne was going to go BOOM! And he had killed a hobo. All was good in the world.
"What do we do now?" Vader asked.
"Hell if I know."
There was a long silence, as they walked, and then Vader said, "So how bout them cows?"
"Cows?"
"Yeah. . . cows. . . you know. . . moo!"
"Oh. . . yeah. . . the cows, right." Junkee gave Vader an odd look.
"They sure do moo a lot, eh?"
"Um, yeah. . . yes, I suppose they do."
"I wonder why they choose to moo, when most animals choose to roar."
"Umm."
"I mean, if I was a cow, I wouldn't moo, I wouldn’t roar either, I would---"
"DR. JUNKEE!!!!" a voice screamed behind them.
Vader and Junkee turned around to see the bloodied body of Dark Hunter standing about thirty feet away from them.
"I've come to kill you!" Dark Hunter screamed.
Junkee looked more closely at DH. And then smiled, "Oh my God! Hobo! You're Dark Hunter! How are you, old buddy?!"
"Yes! I am Dark Hunter! And I am here to kill you!"
"There's something odd about this one. . . be careful Junkee," Bob said.
"Haha! How long has it been, DH? Ten years? Two years?"
"I don't know, you took my memory."
"Oh, yes, that's right. I nearly forgot. . . . Ha! Get it?! I nearly forgot! And you forgot everything, and I nearly forgot that you forgot everything! Aha! Oh, I crack myself up."
"I will crack open your skull!" Dark Hunter yelled.
Junkee thought about that comment for a moment, then said, "That's very colorful."
"What do you want me to do?" Vader whispered.
Junkee shrugged, "Whatever you want."
Vader grinned madly, then began to slowly walk towards Dark Hunter. "You penguin lover! I will make you pay for eating my lunch!"
"I never ate your lunch, crazy man! Now go away! This does not concern you!" Dark Hunter said.
"You lie! I know you lie, because I know you're a liar!"
"That made a whole lot of sense," Junkee mumbled.
"Tak taki!" Vader screamed as he leaped towards Dark Hunter.
"CRAW!"
"What the---"
"Oh no!"
The Prophet Penguin came falling out of the sky, and landed on Vader before he could reach DH. Vader moaned as his eyes began to close, and everything went dark.
"Penguin. . ." Junkee growled.
"Gah! Penguin!" Dark Hunter shrieked.
* * *
Yvonne continued to struggle in the passenger seat of the wrecked car. "Will somebody help me?!" she screamed.
People walked by the car, and looked in at her. But instead of helping, they simply stuck their tongues out at her and laughed.
"Stupid people," she muttered.
"Knock knock," came a voice behind her.
Yvonne turned, but could see no one. "Who's there?"
"Interrupting Cow," said the voice.
Yvonne looked confused. "Interrupting Cow wh---"
"MOO!" said the voice as Drucifer's head popped up beside her window.
"Drucifer!" Yvonne smiled.
Drucifer opened the door, and then helped Yvonne out of her seat. Once Yvonne was out of the car, she gave Drucifer a big hug, then said, "Thank you."
"Oh no, don't thank me," Drucifer said. "Thank the Penguin."
"The Penguin saved me? I thought the Penguin left me for dead. It let me fall into Junkee's car."
"It did?" Drucifer asked.
"Yeah. I nearly died because of that Penguin."
"Why that. . . no good, back stabbing, triple crossing, front flipping, fat bird! I thought our friendship meant something! Instead, no, he just drops my other friends to their deaths! I will kill the Penguin!"
"No, it's much too powerful!" Yvonne protested.
"Maybe it's too powerful for me, but it's not too powerful for him!" Drucifer pointed to his right.
Yvonne looked to where Drucifer pointed, to see a person who looked frighteningly similar to Steven Spielberg. The Spielberg look alike was chasing after an old lady, that was waving her walking cane at him, screaming, "No! Get away from me, vermin! I would not go on a date with you, even if you were the last robot on Earth!"
Yvonne looked at Drucifer, "Umm."
"Oh, yes I know, it has a few bugs still. But what it's doing now is a big improvement from the bugs it had before."
"What were the bugs before?"
Drucifer paused for a moment, then said, "I'm not in liberty to say. But you remember the Spielberg film A.I.? . . . Well. . . one of the previous robots may or may not have had something to do with it."
"I see. . ."
* * *
Dr. Junkee, Dark Hunter, and the Penguin stood in a circle. Inside their heads, the Gods screamed a lot of crap that people would have normally thought to be gibberish, but since Gods were screaming it, Dr. Junkee and Dark Hunter tried their best to make sense of it.
To no avail, of course.
Until! Dan cried out in plain English, "We're going to die!"
Dark Hunter wished Dan would have just went on with the gibberish, instead. Then, a thought occurred to him. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the ring box. Then, he opened the box, and quickly took the thingamajigger off of the Gorblat's tiny little beetle head.
Then he smiled, and waited for it to sing.
And waited.
. . . And waited.
Dr. Junkee continued to chew his gum, looking very bored, despite the somewhat tense situation he was in. "What's that bug for?"
"That bug is the Gorblat!!!! This is not good! The Gorblat could destroy me! I would DIE!" Bob screamed in Junkee's head.
"Oh? And how could it destroy you?" Junkee asked.
"It's song! It sings in such a piercing tone, that even the One who walks from the depths of Hell (which would be Bob, if you're kinda slow), will go POOF!"
"Uh huh. . . and the Penguin?"
Dark Hunter spoke up, "The Penguin is a Prophet Penguin!"
"Ha! Crazy hobo!" Junkee laughed.
"Shut up! I'm serious! The Penguin is the only thing that can destroy the Light God Dan, who is stuck in my head."
"Gah! Moron!"
"Ahhhh. . . you have a God in your head, too, eh?" Junkee said. "Finally it all makes sense."
"It does?"
"Well. . . no, not really, I'm still way behind."
"Okay, cool, me too."
Junkee looked at the Penguin and then at the Gorblat. He waited for them to do something. The two things that could kill the Gods were right here, and they weren't doing a thing.
"Um, is there an on switch, or something, to make them kill?" Junkee asked.
"Grrr," Bob growled.
"Well why aren't they killing anything?" Junkee asked, crossing his arms over his chest, and tapping his foot on the ground.
"Oh, yes, about that. There is a slight flaw in their programming."
"Programming? These things were programmed?"
"No, I never said that," Bob said.
"What? Yes you did."
"Really? Hmm, well anyway; the reason the Gorblat and the Penguin have not killed is because they both fight for Good and Evil. The Gorblat is an Evil little bug. And the Penguin is a Good fat bird. But, the Gorblat can only kill Evil. And the Penguin can only kill Good. . . . and since neither is a traitor to their beliefs, they will refuse to kill anything." Bob explained.
Junkee began to blink really fast, "Wait? What? Oh man, what a rip-off! I wanted you to die!"
"Who me?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Yeah, sure, you too. Why not?"
Dark Hunter frowned.
"So whose lame ass idea was it to have the Penguin and the Gorblat not be able to kill the Gods they were meant to kill?" Junkee asked.
"Look to the sky for answers!"
Junkee looked up and saw written in the clouds; "The Misadventures of Dr. Junkee (part 11) by JPJunkee".
"Him?! JPJunkee?! Why I shoulda known!" Dr. Junkee yelled, giving the clouds the finger.
"Psst, Dark Hunter. I have an idea! In your pocket, you should find a paperclip," Dan said.
Dark Hunter reached into his pocket with his right hand, as he continued to hold the Gorblat in his left. And sure enough, in his pocket, he found a paperclip.
"Good! Now, I want you to poke the Gorblat, really really hard."
Dark Hunter smiled, and then began to poke the Gorblat with the paper clip.
The Gorblat tried to fight not singing, but with each poke, a tiny little syllable came out, "We---WEE--Wee--WEEE!"
"Gah! Do something! Make it stop!" Bob cried.
"Why should I?" Junkee barked. "Since you've entered my mind. . . only crap has happened. Crap crap crap crap crap."
"Because if I die in your head, you'll get a really nasty ear infection!"
"Whoa, that might be bad." Junkee reached into his pockets, searching for a block of cheese, or a needle. But he found nothing.
"WEE-WE-WEE!" the Gorblat cried, trying not to sing, but being poked into doing so anyway.
"Hehehe," Dark Hunter giggled.
Suddenly, a thought came to Junkee. Snapping his head back, then forward, he spat out his gum. Everything went in slow motion (it's the rage, nowadays, or so I hear), as the wad of gum flew towards the Gorblat.
The gum struck the Gorblat in the head, and it quickly enveloped its tiny little skull, stopping it from singing.
"I kick ass!" Junkee shouted.
"I LIVE!"
Dark Hunter looked at the Gorblat in his hand. It was covered with gum. It couldn't sing anymore. His mission was a failure! Then, he looked at the Penguin, and whispered to Dan, "What about the bird?"
"What about it?"
"Is it going to kill you?"
"I suppose so."
A tear came to Dark Hunter's eye. "Parting is such sweet sorrow."
"What a loon," Junkee muttered.
"Amen to that!"
Then, a big silver wire shot out from behind a tree. At one end of the wire, there was a small contraption, that looked like a suction cup, with a test tube latched onto it. In an instant, the silver wire thing lashed out, and the suction cup went SMACK onto Dark Hunter's right ear.
"Blimey!" Dark Hunter shouted in surprise, as he looked at the weird silver thing, out of the corner of his eye. "It's like a silver metal odd snake wire work thing is sucking out my brains!"
"Holy shit," Junkee commented.
And then, a second silver wire thing shot out, and went SMACK onto Dr. Junkee's left ear.
"Wow, this is an odd sensation," Junkee said. He could feel the suction cup thing pulling at his ear, and literally tugging at his brains.
"Whoa! I must admit, I never did see this coming!" Bob screamed.
"How couldn't you?" Junkee asked, as the suction cup thing continued to pull at his mind. "It was the only logical way to continue the story."
"Hmm. . . true dat!"
"Gah! Help me Junkee! The silver snake monster wants to eat my mind!" Dark Hunter wailed.
"I have my own problems, thank you very much."
"Uh oh, I think I'm going," Bob said, as if it was any surprise.
"Yeah well, don't forget to write."
"Ahaha! Such a pathetic sense of humor. Why did you reject me, Junkee? We could have BURNED worlds together!"
Dr. Junkee tapped his foot on the ground, and just waited for it to be over.
Then, with a DING, the silver thing stopped sucking on his brains, and fell off of his ear. Junkee looked down at the test tube attached to the suction cup, and saw swirling green font flying everywhere inside.
Dark Hunter looked at the suction cup that lay on the ground beside him. Inside this test tube, there was yellow font swirling everywhere.
"Wow," Junkee began, "Who would have thought Gods would be so prone to liquidity?"
Junkee and Dark Hunter laughed. Then, a couple moments later, Dark Hunter stopped laughing, and said, "I don't get it."
"That's okay, it wasn't that funny anyway."
"Oh, good."
"So what do you think these things are?" Junkee said, looking at the silver wire things on the ground beside them.
Dark Hunter shrugged, "I don't know. But, I'm hungry."
"How could you be hungry at a time like this?"
"I want herring."
Junkee rolled his eyes. "What kind of person suddenly gets the craving for herring?"
"I do."
"Well, you're crazy."
Dark Hunter was about to retaliate with a stupid ass remark, when someone else cut him off with their own stupid ass remark, "You were crazy first!"
Junkee and Dark Hunter turned to see Drucifer and Yvonne standing beside a tree, and standing with them, was a guy that looked remarkably similar to Steven Spielberg, except for the fact that there were silver wire things coming out of his wrists.
"We have come to kill Junkee and the Penguin," Yvonne said. "You. . . odd hobo guy. . . you may leave."
"Bloody hell, Yvonne! Don't you learn?! I don't lose! I always win! Me! Not you! Me!" Junkee shouted.
"Oh, but that is the past, Dr. Junkee," Drucifer said. "And one must know that the past does not mean it is inevitable to be repeated in the present or future. Unpredictability and chaos reigns over all this world and you are just one of the victims at its mercy. Past events will not change the now. We will triumph!"
There was a long pause and then Junkee snapped, "What the hell did you just say?"
"CRAW!" the Penguin said, obviously meaning to say 'yeah, what the hell did you just say, jackass?!'
"Umm. . . I don't really know for sure," Drucifer said.
"Enough of this! Speilberg1213, destroy Junkee and the Penguin!" Yvonne demanded.
"With pleasure!" Speilberg1213 growled. The silver wire things coming out of his wrists began to wiggle, and then they began to levitate over the ground.
"Um, I'm just going to wait over there," Dark Hunter said, pointing at the other end of the street.
"Wimp," Junkee mumbled as Dark Hunter began to flee the scene.
"CRAW!" the Penguin said, looking up at Junkee.
Junkee looked down at the fat bird and smiled. "Damn straight." Then Junkee and the Penguin ran (and waddled. . . yes. . . it was the Penguin that waddled) head on at Speilberg1213 and his silver snake like tentacle things.
Yvonne and Drucifer smiled. Finally, things were working in their favor.
* * *
Martin Randle opened his eyes. He was laying beside Dr. Junkee's wrecked car. How long had he been out? What hit him? The last thing he had heard was "Tak taki!" then, BOOM, he went out like a light.
Gasps!
Where was Moppy?! It had been in his hands. . . but now. . . it was nowhere to be seen!
Martin quickly got to his feet, and looked all around him. Where was it?!
"Moppy! Where did you go?!" he screamed.
* * *
Dark Hunter sat on the curb at the other side of the street, and watched as Junkee and the Penguin charged the robot guy. It was going to be a fight to the death (he was sure the Penguin would probably kick everyone's ass). If only he had some popcorn, then it would be a great experience.
But alas! No popcorn! He could almost hear the popping. . . Pop. . . . Pop. . .
"Wait a sec," Dark Hunter said to himself. "That's not popping I hear. . . that's tapping."
Tap. . . . Tap. . . . Tap. . . .
"What in the world could that be?" he wondered.
Then, he looked to his right, and saw the most peculiar thing; a mop was hopping across the road towards him.
Earlier today, his reaction would have been, "Oh God! How terrible!" But now, after witnessing people going POOF, Gods talking in his head about the end of the world. . . and flying penguins. . . his reaction was, "Stupid ghost. Doesn't realize you can't mop a street. . . the dead worry me sometimes. . . heh."
Then, he noticed something beyond the mop, standing at the opposite side of the street. It was him! The janitor! The guy that had busted his car! Oh, he was going to pay!
Dark Hunter jumped to his feet, and grabbed the hopping mop, and then ran at Martin---
And then got hit by a car.
Okay! So only one more chapter/episode/part left!
Are you ready for it?!. . . . I'm not.
Please Comment
-- Dr. Junkee
5/22/2003 11:00:03 AM
Comment on this fan fiction!
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