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Dr. Junkee III Loonies In Space (Part 9)
By JPJunkee
It's been a long time and a long time coming. Here it is, Episode 9, the final episode of Dr. Junkee 3. Sorry it took so long to get finished and posted. A few complications, coupled with the longest script of the series (which in turn, made the longest episode, clocking in at over 30 minutes), caused this one to take a long time to put together. A lot of hours were put into finishing this episode, Martin worked diligently until the audio stuff was all finished, and we're all happy with how it turned out, a nice ending to the long series. And we hope you enjoy! :)
Characters played by Martin Randle:
Martin Randle
Dark Janitor
General Rancor
Dark Hunter
Darial Longsword
Pete
Dan
Characters played by Kyle Warner:
Dr. Junkee
Vader
Drucifer
Evilgrinch
Bob
Host
Character played by Yvonne:
Yvonne
Character played by Adam Pratt:
Dino_Dude
Character played by Shawn Bartha:
Carna
Character played by Christina Frausini:
Jpfan4life
Sam Neill played by. . . Sam Neill! Though he doesn't really know about it. I don't think he's aware he is in half the movies we see him in. . . Anyway, special thanks to you, Sam! And Yvonne wants to know why you've not returned her calls.
And here is the script to go along with the episode.
FADE IN
Dan: Can you believe it Bob?
Penguin: CRAW!
Bob: What?
Dan: This is the final episode. Everything that's come before it, has all led to this.
Bob: Yes, and it took too long.
Dan: Let's celebrate!
Bob: Oooo. Beer, pizza, and peanuts!
Dan: And grapes!
Penguin: CRAW!
Bob: Grapes. . . mmmm.
Dan: Pass me the grapes, Bob!
Bob: You get them, they're too far away.
Dan: Hmm. . . Penguin? Go get the grapes!
Penguin: CRAW?
Dan: Go on, go get the grapey-wapies!
Bob: Stop talking like that.
Dan: Get me the grapes and I'll stop.
Bob: Grrr. Theme song!
[theme song]
FADE TO
Dark Hunter: Who are you?!
Darth Chicken: Back by popular demand. . . I am a plot hole! Hahaha! But you may call me Darth Chicken.
Dark Hunter: Oooh. The chicken guy! But Yvonne said you died.
Darth Chicken: I did die! But I was brought back to life by the producers because of failing ratings. God bless them! They're my homies.
Dark Hunter: What?
Darth Chicken: Uhhhh huh!
Jpfan4life: What's going on here? Why did this man shoot me?
Darth Chicken: Because I am bad and you are good! And bad is good and good is bad, okay?
Jpfan4life: Sorry?
Darth Chicken: Oh! Talk to the hand because the face don't want to listen anymore.
[pause of no dialogue. In the distance, we begin to hear a very, very faint bouncing and screaming]
JPfan4life: What's he doing?
Dark Hunter: I do believe he's giving you the silent treatment. You must have made him really mad!
Jpfan4life: Do you think he'd notice if we left?
Dark Hunter: Hold on, I'll check.
Jpfan4life: What? No!
Dark Hunter: Yoohoo? Evil chicken guy! We're leaving now, okay? So, you just stay there, looking all serious and stuff. Okay? We'll send you a fruit basket!
[pause of no dialogue]
Dark Hunter: No, I don't think he'll notice if we go.
Jpfan4life: Okay, help me up so we can run.
Darth Chicken: Don't you even think about it!
Dark Hunter: He spotted us!
Jpfan4life: He's standing five feet away from us.
Dark Hunter: His vision's based on movement. He has the brain of a frog. Don't move. . . .
Darth Chicken: I may be a Prince with the mind of a frog! Why don't you kiss me and break the spell? . . . (mutter) Whoa did I just say that out loud?
Jpfan4life: What?
Darth Chicken: Oh never mind! I think I'll just kill you two anyway!
Jpfan4life: Dark Hunter, I'm more important than you! Quick, take the bullet for me!
Dark Hunter: Up yours lady!
[bouncing and screaming grows progressively louder]
Jpfan4life: Does anybody hear that? That's. . . that's an impact bounce is what it is. . . . I'm fairly alarmed here.
Darth Chicken: Oh I can't even hear myself think anymore! [shuffling sound of feet, as he is turning around] Will you please keep it down—
Dino_Dude: (shouting over the bouncing) SOMEONE STOP ME!
Darth Chicken: Oh no!
[extra loud bounce as Dino_Dude, within the tire, slams into Darth Chicken. Squish]
[bouncing ends]
Dino_Dude: [moans]
Jpfan4life: What just happened here?
Dark Hunter: I don't know. . . . Chicken guy are you okay?
Darth Chicken: I think. . . I think I really, really am dead now. . . . Guh! . . . Blegh.
Dark Hunter: Oh. Pitiful little bugger. . .
Dino_Dude: [moans loud]
[Dark Hunter walks over to Dino_Dude]
Dark Hunter: Oh! It's my tire! What have you done to it? You sick monkey!
Dino_Dude: So. . . dizzy. . . Ohh. Someone just kill me. Ohh.
Dark Hunter: No! You will suffer for stealing my tire. Now give it to me. [grunts as he tugs at the tire, trying to pull it up and over Dino_Dude's shoulders. With one last tug, it pops off with a 'popping' sound] I am the shizzo!
[Dark Hunter begins walking off, bouncing his tire as he goes]
Jpfan4life: What about me? Dark Hunter get back here!
Dark Hunter: No! You just want my tire! It's mine! My own. My precioussssss.
Jpfan4life: No! I don't want the tire, I just want help!
Dark Hunter: Say Commander, with everybody dead, do you think I'll get promoted?
Jpfan4life: I would have to assume so, yes.
Dark Hunter: Okay then, see ya! Hahaha! [begins running off with tire]
Jpfan4life: (sad shout) Noooooooo!
Dino_Dude: [moaning] [Shuffle of dirt as he tries to stand, in his terribly dizzy state] Hey you ratbag, get back here! I'm not done with you yet! I'm gonna tear you to shreds!
Jpfan4life: Please, don't hurt me.
Dino_Dude: Who said that?!
Jpfan4life: On the ground.
Dino_Dude: Oh!
[sound of harp playing. Then some romantic tune]
Dino_Dude: (entranced) Ohhhh. . . . I don't believe we've met before. Have we?
Jpfan4life: (entranced as well) No. . . My name is Jpfan4life. But you can call me whatever you want.
Dino_Dude: What a beautiful name!
Jpfan4life: Aww how sweet. What's your name?
Dino_Dude: Dino_Dude!
Jpfan4life: Lame name.
[romantic tune ends, with the sound of a harp]
Dino_Dude: (disappointed) Yeah I know. . . (complete change of moods, now excited!) Jpfan, do you believe in love at first sight?!
Jpfan4life: Nope! Do you?
Dino_Dude: No way! Wanna get married anyway?
Jpfan4life: Sure! What else am I going to do for the next six weeks?
Dino_Dude: Bloody ripper.
FADE TO
[on Cheese Star]
[we hear the normal beeps and whistles of the space station. Except now it is accompanied by faint alarms and sparking sounds, or fires]
Evilgrinch: Oh no! Here they come again!
[sound of swiftly approaching ships. Then BOOM, BOOM, BOOM as the ships run directly into the Cheese Star]
Evilgrinch: Stop flying into us! You've made your point, now go home!
Imperial Officer: If this kamikaze bombardment continues, we're done for, sir.
Evilgrinch: What should we do?
Imperial Officer: You're our commanding officer.
Evilgrinch: I don't know what to do!
Imperial Officer: Oh well, I'm leaving. [runs off]
Evilgrinch: Gah! I'm all alone! I feel like I've just been hit by a car!
[popping sound]
Evilgrinch: Ah!
Host: Greetings! I come here with a—
Evilgrinch: Gaa-ahh! A ghost! Christmas future or past?
Host: Silence!
Evilgrinch: What?!
Host: For your wrong doings you will likely burn for an eternity.
Evilgrinch: Oh that's not good.
Host: The Dark God Bob will welcome you with open arms.
Evilgrinch: Well at least I've got a friend!
Computer voice: Cheese Star destruction imminent. Time till big boom, five seconds. Please evacuate now.
Evilgrinch: Ah!
Host: Farewell!
[pop]
Evilgrinch: Well. . . this sucks.
[BOOM! Cheese Star is destroyed]
FADE TO
[walking up the mountain]
Junkee: It's getting warmer
Pete: Growl.
Martin: That's because we're nearing the top, where the lava pit is.
Yvonne: Lava? You never said anything about lava before.
Martin: Oh yes, I uhh, I must have forgotten. Umm, but this is special lava. I mean, it's the only lava in the universe that can destroy the One Mop.
Drucifer: Ooooo.
Yvonne: Is it. . . uhh, too late to turn back?
Junkee: Oh come on, Yvonne, we're almost done.
Martin: He's right. No worries!
Longsword: No worries. . . arrr, that's what he said before, but that w'naught bring back me Black Widow now will it? Yarrr.
Pete: Grrr.
Martin: Shut up.
[sounds of bubbling lava]
Vader: I think we're at the top now.
Junkee: That's . . a lot of red stuff.
General Rancor: It's so hot. . . I'm getting faint. . . Ohheeohh . . .
Drucifer: Oooo! He's going to fall in. Make a wish at the wishing well!
Martin: Grab him!
Vader: No. Let him fall!
Longsword: Yar! Got him! . . . Step back from the edge, aye?
General Rancor: Oh la wenga.
[far off explosion]
Drucifer: What was that?
Vader: Look! In the sky!
General Rancor: The Cheese Star.
Pete: Rarr.
General Rancor: It's exploding! We won!
Pete: Rarrr!
Longsword: Yahar! We did it maties!
Drucifer: Yay! Very good!
Pete: ROAR!
Vader: Cool, yeah.
Yvonne: Hehe. . . Woo!
Junkee: About time!
Martin: No, no, no. . . We've not won yet. The Mop has not yet been destroyed.
Yvonne: Well then destroy it!
Vader: Yeah, stop wasting time.
General Rancor: Be careful not to fall in Vader, you might get burnt.
Vader: You're the dipshit that almost fell in. But thanks for caring.
General Rancor: What? Caring? I don't care! . . . Throw yourself in!
Vader: How about I throw you in there instead, Dad?
General Rancor: You wouldn't dare. . .
Vader: Oh wouldn't I? Oh la wenga.
General Rancor: Hey, that's my saying! That's it, I've now disowned you, how's it feel comrade?
Junkee: Shut up! Both of you! Before I toss you both in!
General Rancor and Vader: [mutter]
Yvonne: Now make up! Say you're sorry.
General Rancor: Grr. . . I'm sorry, son.
Yvonne: Vader?
Vader: Bah.
Junkee: Say sorry like a big boy!
Longsword: Yarr!
Vader: Fine! I'm sorry Dad. . . There, you happy now?
General Rancor: No, not really. I was kind of hoping they would end up tossing you in the lava. Ayo ayo.
Drucifer: I never knew my father.
Yvonne: Really?
Drucifer: I was raised by lemurs.
Longsword: Aye, and it shows, too! Arrr.
Pete: Growlll.
Martin: Enough of this! I'm destroying the Mop . . . now.
Dark Janitor: Oh no you're not.
Longsword: Gasps.
Pete: ROAR!
Drucifer: Oh ficken sie!
Yvonne: YOU! You killed SAMMY!
Dark Janitor: It seems I got here just in time.
Junkee: Typical villain appearance. You're a walking cliché, man.
Dark Janitor: And you're a walking dead man. . . . Or umm. . . A dead man walking. . . Or. . . something.
Martin: Dark Janitor. . . I should have known.
Dark Janitor: You did know.
Martin: I know.
Dark Janitor: I know you knew.
Martin: Hmmm. . .
Dark Janitor: Yessss. . . .
Yvonne: Wait. . . What?
Junkee: I'm hardly paying attention anymore.
General Rancor: Dark Janitor. . . say hello to my little friend! Ayo ayo!
[sound of humming, or whatever a laser gun sounds like]
Longsword: A ban raygun!
Vader: Wow. I haven't seen ol' Ray Ray in years. . .
Dark Janitor: Ah-ha. You're actually going to use that toy. . . on me? Haha.
General Rancor: Do bears poopoo in the woods?
Dark Janitor: Sorry?
General Rancor: Just say yes.
Dark Janitor: I refuse.
Drucifer: Hey General, can I hold that?
General Rancor: Sure! This end is the dangerous part.
Drucifer: Ooooo.
Martin: Oh no!
Pete: Grr. . .
[laser blasts]
Drucifer: (over blasts) Ahhh! It's hard to control!
Longsword: Yar! Get down!
Yvonne: AH!
General Rancor: OOF!
[lasers continue for a little while until with a hiss of steam, the firing ends]
Drucifer: Out of ammo?
Longsword: Arrrr! You singed Pete's back hair!
Pete: Rararararar!
Dark Janitor: Haha, you missed!
Drucifer: General Rancor, tell me how to reload! That was all practice, I can hit him this time! . . . General?
General Rancor: Ohhhhhh. . . . shot with my own weapon. Ray Ray, how could you betray me? I've been bannerated! Blehhhhh!
[warping sound as General Rancor disappears – banned from the planet]
Vader: Dad?
Yvonne: He made the dying noise, Vader, I think your dad is dead.
Longsword: Arrr! He naught dead, he's just been banned from the planet is all! Arr.
Vader: Drucifer, look what you did!
Drucifer: Uhhh. Oops?
Dark Janitor: Oh poo. . . I was hoping that I'd be the one to take your father's life, or maybe just ban him. But oh well, we can't win them all can we?
Martin: Dark Janitor you cannot succeed here. We will not allow it! Because you're not nice. Isn't that right Junkee?
Junkee: Yeah sure, can't win, won't allow it. . . I'm running out of things to say.
Dark Janitor: You Americans are all talk and no action. I'm not afraid of you.
Junkee: Of course we're all talk, man. It's all in audio, you can't see a frickin' thing!
Yvonne: Oy, when you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself. . . Okay Dark Janitor, you killed Sammy, now it's time for vengeance!
Dark Janitor: Oooo. This again!
Yvonne: Hiiiiiiya!
[electric mop is ignited and swung into hitting Yvonne. Bonk!]
Yvonne: Ow!
Dark Janitor: Come here you.
Yvonne: Hey! Let go of me! . . . Ahh!
[rocks give way]
Longsword: Gah! He's going to drop Yvonne into the pit of lavaish stuff, arr.
Pete: ROAR!
Junkee: (sarcastic) Wow, who didn't see that coming?
Drucifer: Not me!
Vader: That's because you're stupid.
Drucifer: Oh.
Yvonne: AHH! It's HOT over here!
Martin: Don't worry Yvonne, I'll save you!
Dark Janitor: Don't any of you come any closer, or I'll drop her.
Vader: Is that right? Well, I guess you're about ready then, aren't ya?
Yvonne: Ah! Someone save me!
Pete: RAR!
Longsword: Argh! I'm coming!
Dark Janitor: I mean it! I'll drop her in. Plop! Sizzle, sizzle, fissssh!
Drucifer: Wow, such realistic sound effects!
Martin: Okay, okay! Everybody stay back!
Longsword: Arrr.
Dark Janitor: That's good, yes. Everybody line up right there in front of me. Keep your distance, yes, that's good. Now, as soon as Martin tosses the Mop, I'll give her back.
Martin: Oh! I will do no such thing. Toss you the Mop? That's preposterous!
Yvonne: Martin. If you let me die, I will personally haunt you for the rest of your life.
Martin: Eesh, fine I'll toss him the Mop.
Dark Janitor: That's right. Now! Everybody back up. A little more. A little more. Good, right there! Now. . . Martin toss me the. . . wait a second. Where's the title character?
['shing' sound]
Junkee: Haha!
[needle is stabbed into Dark Janitor's arm]
Dark Janitor: Ow! You stabbed me with a needle, oh it hurts!
Junkee: Come here, Yvonne!
[Junkee drags Yvonne away and they run up to the others]
Yvonne: You saved me!
Vader: And there was much rejoicing.
Pete: RAR!
[pause]
Yvonne: Well gee, I was hoping someone other than the big dog would be happy I was still alive.
Dark Janitor: Hey you, you putz! [clink of metal, as he tosses the needle onto the ground]
Junkee: Buh?
Dark Janitor: What did you put in that needle? I'm feeling. . . loopy.
Junkee: Windex.
Longsword: Arrr, what be Windex?
Vader: Medicine. . . used to cure the common cold.
Longsword: Oh, aye!
Martin: Dark Janitor, your reign of terror is over. Your army is in shambles and your fleet is destroyed. Now it's time you meet your end.
[Moppy ignites]
Dark Janitor: You would do that wouldn't you?
Martin: Well, why not?
Dark Janitor: Don't you know . . . the truth?
Drucifer: The truth?
Yvonne: Dun dun dunnnnnnn.
Martin: I know the truth.
Dark Janitor: Wrong. You know what you want to know. . . . Dan never told you about your son, did he?
Junkee: Who is the father of Sophie's baby? Next time on. . . As The Wold Turns!
Vader: You watch soap operas?
Junkee: Huh? No, nothing. I watch nothing!
Martin: What are you talking about, Dark Janitor?
Dark Janitor: My name is MikeyMike.
Martin: Oh no. . .
Dark Janitor: Martin. . . you are my father!
Yvonne: Dun dun dididi DUN!
Martin: No, this can't be!
Dark Janitor: Look at my face, you know it to be true! . . . We have the same eyes, nose, chin. You name it, I got it.
Junkee: Wow these subplots are mind-blowing, aren't they?
Drucifer: Holy crap, so many people are related to each other! . . . Hmm. Maybe the pirate guy is my father, arrrr!
Longsword: Arrr. Get away from me.
Drucifer: What about you?
Pete: Rararararar!
Martin: This can't be! . . . I thought I taught my little Mikey good morals and that blowing up planets was a bad thing! I never dreamed you would become. . . Mithrandir. . . the Dark Janitor.
Dark Janitor: Yes, no more chores for me! Now I am the master.
Martin: Only a master of evil, son.
[ignites Moppy]
Dark Janitor: [War cry!]
[the two begin dueling with their electric mops]
Drucifer: Oooo, fight.
Vader: I got ten dollars on Little Skippy.
Longsword: Arr, I'll take that bet!
Junkee: Do you think maybe we should be doing something more. . . productive?
Vader: Like what?
Junkee: Well if the bad guy wins, we need a weapon. And if the good guy wins, and he tosses the Mop in the lava, chances are – just for cinematic effect, mind you – the volcano we're on will probably erupt.
Longsword: Yarr! I seen that in a movie!
Junkee: Drucifer, see what you can do with the ban raygun. Make some use of it.
Drucifer: Affirmitive!
Vader: What about us? Shouldn't we maybe help Martin?
Martin (over loud battle): Someone help me! He's too strong!
Dark Janitor (over loud battle): Kowabunga!
Martin: Ah!
[battle continues]
Junkee: No, he'll be fine, (mocking tone) he needs his exercise. You, Pete, and Darial go make sure Drucifer doesn't turn the gun into a toaster or something.
Longsword: Aye!
Pete: Growl!
[they run off]
Junkee: Yvonne, you seem to be in deep thought, what's up?
Yvonne: Hmm? Oh, I was just thinking. . . if Martin's son killed my Sammy, then doesn't that make Martin partly responsible for Sammy's death?
Junkee: Uhh, I guess maybe a little, yes.
Yvonne: We have to kill him, too!
Junkee: Hmmm. . . . . Okay, but let's wait a little while first.
Yvonne: (slightly disappointed) Fine.
[switch over to the battle now. Lots of swings of the mops, lots of clashing of the mops, and lots of little battle grunts perhaps]
[the battle stops for a moment, allowing the two combatants a breather]
Dark Janitor: My powers are now far above yours, Martin.
Martin: (out of breath, very winded) I don't see how. (deep breath) I think I'm winning.
Dark Janitor: (mildly amused) Haha, oh you do? Well, let's change your outlook shall we?
[sparking or buzzing sound – the sound of electricity like from a power line]
Martin: Why are your hands all sparkly?
Dark Janitor: Magic lightning, straight from my fingertips! I don't believe you have this power, do you? It's very expensive.
Martin: Umm, I don't recall.
Dark Janitor: Well old man, it's time to put this pointless conflict to an end. Hand over the Mop and you shall be spared.
Martin: I will never!
Dark Janitor: Well in that case. . . you shall die. . . . . PIIIIKAAAACHUUUU!
[shoots lightning at Martin]
Martin: [whatever a man sounds like when being electrocuted by magic lightning – make that sound! Probably lots of mumbled sounds as your body is jolted everywhere]
Dark Janitor: PIIIKAAACHUUUU!
[lightning burst ends]
Dark Janitor: Now you know my true power.
[sparks could still be heard, now and again]
Martin: (beaten and out of breath) The power of Dark Moppy . . . is nothing compared to the power of Light Moppy!
[shuffle of dirt as Martin stands up. Then Moppy is ignited again]
Dark Janitor: You poor fool, you just simply don't understand.
Martin: I'm a slow learner.
[battle continues]
[battle fades as we sort of move over to the other characters]
[sound of tools and stuff, as Drucifer works on the raygun]
Drucifer: It needs a new battery.
Longsword: Yarr, we have none!
Drucifer: Pete, hand me that stone.
Pete: Rar.
Vader: What are you going to use a stone for?
Drucifer: Battery. Natural power.
Vader: You're kidding, right?
Drucifer: Do you have any better ideas?
Vader: Okay, good point, use the stone.
Pete: Growl.
[banging noise as Drucifer forces a stone into the raygun]
Drucifer: Voila!
Vader: What are you trying to make the raygun into?
Drucifer: I don't really know. Any ideas?
Vader: Just don't make it into a toaster, or we'll have to kill you.
Drucifer: Rightyo!
[Longsword draws his sword]
Longsword: Aharharhar! Come on Pete! [begins running off]
Pete: Growl! [follows]
Vader: Where are you going?
Longsword: To help Martin!
Vader: We had a bet though! You can't interfere!
Longsword: (running off, toward the battle) I know, I'm protecting my interests! Arr!
Vader: (mumbling) Intolerable jackass.
[Junkee and Yvonne hurry over]
Junkee: How's it going over here?
Drucifer: I think we're going to turn the gun into an airplane!
Junkee: Hmm.
[whistling noise, coming from far off, and getting closer]
Yvonne: What is that?
Junkee: I don't know. . . Drucifer, what did you do?
Drucifer: Nothing! I did nothing!
[whistling sound ends as something crashes to the ground]
Yvonne: Oh my GOD! It's hideous! . . . What is it?
Carna: Rar Rar Rar! Carna kill everything!
Junkee: Oh hell, should have expected this.
Carna: Heheha!
Junkee: Yvonne, meet Carna. Carna, meet Yvonne.
Yvonne: Uhh, hi.
Carna: Kalamazoo, eckchi chillaba!
Yvonne: Kalamazoo? I'm from Flint! Wow!
Carna: You all dieeeeee!
Yvonne: Well that's not very nice!
Junkee: Drucifer, you keep working. We have to protect the gun at all costs, guys!
Vader: Why?
Junkee: I don't know, something to do.
Carna: Rar!
Yvonne: Ah!
[fade over to the Martin/DJ battle]
Dark Janitor: I call this move the "Super Spinny Move of Total Destruction". Ha!
[swings Mop, Martin deflects it with his own]
Martin: Haha!
Dark Janitor: And this is my patented "Ultra High Strike—"
Martin: Hmm.
Dark Janitor: "—Of Total Destruction!"
[swings mop, hitting Martin's leg]
Martin: Oof! My leg!
Dark Janitor: Now do you see how really, really cool I am?
Pete: RAR!
Longsword: Harhar! Martin, we come to save ye!
Dark Janitor: What? No fair! Interference! Where's the referee? Jeffrey? . . . Jeffrey?! Oh nuts.
Pete: Growwwwl.
Longsword: Yarr, get up Martin, let's finish him off!
Martin: Thank you Captain Longsword.
Dark Janitor: One against one, or one against three, it makes no difference to me! . . . Oh I rhymed, did you hear that?
Longsword: Hush up you blaggard!
Pete: ROAR!
[fight continues, now with not only the two Mops, but now Longsword's blade and Pete's, uhh, growling and heavy stomping?]
[thunk!]
Pete: Grrr. Owwww!
[loud boom as Pete hits the ground]
Longsword: Argh. You knocked Pete unconscious.
Dark Janitor: (sighs) Pity. I was trying to kill him.
Longsword: Yarr!
[battle rages on]
[switch over to Carna fight]
Carna: Rar! Carna kill people!
['chomp' sound!]
Vader: Ow! He bit onto my hand. . . get him off, get him off!
Yvonne: Ask it politely, Vader.
Vader: Hey. You fiend, get off me, please.
Carna (with mouth full): Grrrrrrrrr!
Vader: Yeah, that didn't work.
Junkee: Maybe just stand still, and eventually he'll get bored and let go.
Vader: Okay, sounds like a plan.
[chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp!]
Vader: He's swallowing my arm. This is not working!
Carna (with mouth full): Hehehe!
Junkee: Yvonne, kick it!
Yvonne: Hiiiiiiya!
[thud!]
Carna: Ahhhhhh! [goes flying off]
[a few paces away]
[the Carna scream is heard coming closer]
[dueling ends abruptly]
Longsword: Yarr! What be that noise?
Martin: Get down!
Carna: AHHHHH!
Dark Janitor: Oh my.
[thwack! Carna collides with Dark Janitor]
Dark Janitor: Ahh! Get off my face, I can't see!
Carna: Hehehe. You locked up Carna! Now Carna get revenge! Kakizumba! RAR!
Dark Janitor: Oh I'm losing my balance! Father please help me! HELP!
[rocks break away]
Dark Janitor: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Carna: Hehehehe!
[the two fall screaming into the lava]
[Plop]
[sizzle, sizzle]
[fissssssh]
[no dialogue. We hear slow footsteps of the others approaching. . . .Then footsteps stop]
Pete: Grrr?
Longsword: Yarr, get up you big walking toupee.
Junkee: So then. . . it's finally over.
Martin: No. Not yet. The Mop lives on.
Yvonne: Well then destroy it.
Martin: All in good time, Yvonne, no rush now! First I would like to say a few words.
Yvonne: [sigh]
Martin: We have all fought a long tedious battle to get here. Against all odds, we have succeeded. But there have been losses, some of them tragic.
Yvonne: Your kid killed my Sammy. Watch out, I am pretty ticked off, I just might snap!
Martin: Hmm. . . Anyway, my point is—
Drucifer: BEHOLD!
Martin: What? You're interrupting my speech!
Drucifer: Oh sorry. . . Well LOOK! . . . Look at what I have created!
Vader: It looks like the raygun with a couple rocks and twigs shoved in it.
Junkee: What does it do?
Drucifer: I don't know, let's find out!
Yvonne: Uh oh.
[Drucifer fires the raygun. One long beam sounding thing. You know the laser guns the Ghostbusters use? Kind of like that. A steady beam, humming sound]
[then with a loud bang-like noise, a portal appears. Swirling, very windy. Like on the set of the movie Twister, except no Bill Paxton]
Junkee: Look, the laser is opening up a hole in space!
Pete: Grrrrrowl?
Martin: That's not just any hole. . . it's a portal.
Longsword: No . . . . way.
Vader: But where does it go?
Martin: My powers say. . . Earth.
Yvonne: Drucifer! You found our way back home!
Drucifer: Woot!
Longsword: What about Pete and me? Arrr. This be our universe. Should we stay or go? Will they accept us? Yar.
Junkee: Oh yeah, the whole world loves pirates now, thanks to Disney! And Pete can join the circus or something!
Longsword: Arrr! Okay, we come too then!
Pete: Growl.
Martin: I'm going to destroy the Mop now. Then everybody hurry through the portal.
Yvonne: Okay!
[Martin walks closer to the edge. Meanwhile, remember, we still hear the portal swirling, as well as the tire bouncing and getting closer]
Martin: Good bye Moppy.
[Mop falls into lava pit. PLOP!]
Martin: Jump in the portal, now!
Drucifer: Here we go!
[warping sound]
Longsword: Yarr! Wheeee!
[warping sound as he jumps through and is teleported away]
Vader: Ha!
[warping sound]
Pete: Rar!
[warping sound]
Yvonne: Uh, I. . . I don't want to go.
Junkee: Hmm? What do you mean?
Martin: Of course you want to go. Now get in the portal!
Yvonne: Um, I'm scared. I hate portal travel.
Junkee: Come on now, hop. Hop! Like a bunny. Hop!
Yvonne: You can't make me go!
Martin: Yvonne, Mount Broom is about to explode. Leaving is a smart thing to do!
Yvonne: I'm not moving!
Junkee: Hey Yvonne! Look over there! Pepsi!
Yvonne: Oooo.
Junkee: Ha!
[Junkee kicks Yvonne forward]
Yvonne: Ahhhhh!
[warping sound]
Junkee: Haha ha. . . Hehe. . . Well now it's my turn.
Martin: Doc, wait.
Junkee: What?
Martin: I just want to say. . . it was nice working with you.
[very faint rhythmic bouncing of tire can be heard, approaching from a distance]
Junkee: Yeah, well, I wish I could say the same.
Martin: And whatever trouble lays beyond that portal, we'll fight through it together.
Junkee: Huh? Trouble? What trouble?
Martin: Well, I didn't want to scare the others. But my powers are reading—
Dark Hunter (short distance away): Ah! I lost control of her!
[bouncing of tire]
Martin: Oh darn.
[tire bounces into Martin]
Martin: Ahhhh!
[Martin falls into the pit. Then plop! . . . And then a second plop as the tire falls in, too]
Dark Hunter: Come back tire!
Junkee: Holy Jesus, you just killed Martin!
Dark Hunter: Who?
Junkee: Come with me!
Dark Hunter: Get your hands off me! AHHHHH!
[warping sound]
FADE TO
[portal closes]
[Junkee screams as he flies through air, until he hits the ground]
Junkee: Guh!
[it sounds peaceful here. Birds chirping and stuff]
Junkee: Where am I? . . . Dark Hunter? Where—
Yvonne: You kicked me through the portal, you jerk!
[slap]
Junkee: Ah! No I didn't, that was Martin, yeah!
Drucifer: Where is Martin?
Junkee: He died.
Yvonne (almost cheerful): He did?
Junkee: It was very fast. One second he was talking, then Goodyear tires intervened and he was knocked into a tomb of hot red stuff and bubbling rubber. . . . Where are the others?
Yvonne: Were you the last one through the portal?
Junkee: Yeah, Dark Hunter was right in front of me.
Drucifer: He's still alive?
Junkee: Apparently. So where are we? Oh! We're in the parking lot of my hospital. How nice, the portal delivered me back home!
[Car drives up. Then someone opens a car door and steps out, walking towards them]
Junkee: Who's this bozo?
Drucifer: George Bush!
Yvonne: Oh, my God. . . it's. . . . it's SAMMY!
Sam Neill: Glad you got here in one piece.
[Yvonne runs over to Sam Neill]
Yvonne: Sammy! I thought you were dead.
Sam Neill: Yeah? Well, I'm not.
Yvonne: What are you doing here?
Sam Neill: I thought! . . . I thought we should get married!
Yvonne: Woo! Ohh, ooo, nice car. Let's go for a ride!
Sam Neill: Well, why not?
Yvonne: Muahahaha.
Junkee: Marrying Yvonne is only going to make her obsession worse, you fool! All those years, all those broken needles. And all those tosses out the windows. All wasted, because of you!
Sam Neill: I want a word with you.
Yvonne: (disappointed) Go ahead! I'll wait in the car.
[Yvonne opens the car door and gets in, while Sam walks over to Junkee]
Sam Neill: She's a great lady.
Junkee: Yeah, what do you want?
Sam Neill: I want to thank you for the way you've took in my girl here, and I can already see a difference, and I'm very grateful to you. . . . She likes me!
Junkee: How do you live with yourself, man? Fake your own death only so she will love you all that much more. Pitiful!
Sam Neill: It's just a little joke.
Junkee: Joke, my ass. You're a sick man!
Sam Neill: No, no, no, no, no. I am a man of the people!
Junkee: Bull!
Sam Neill: Never, never, never throw chips at a driver.
Junkee: . . . . What?
Sam Neill: I guess I'd better go then.
FADE TO
[portal closes]
[Dark Hunter and Vader scream as they fly through the air, until they hit the ground]
Dark Hunter: Oof!
Vader: Oh!
[the two stand up]
Dark Hunter: (slightly scared) Where are we Vader?
Vader: I don't know, Dark Hunter. It looks like a jungle of some sort.
[loud footsteps, almost sounds like thunder]
Dark Hunter: (stuttering with fear!) What's t-t-that?!
[loud animal grunt. Sounds of branches breaking, underbrush being stepped on as a large being forces its way through the jungle, grunting and growling as it goes]
Dark Hunter: It's a triciclopotz!
Vader: Dinosaurs? How the hell did we end up in the Cretaceous?
Dark Hunter: I don't know. I'll go ask it!
Vader: No, don't! We can't interact with the past in any way, for fear of changing the course of the future.
Dark Hunter: Changing the course of the future. That's not so bad. Maybe we'd be happy people, living in Hollywood, with lots of money, cool sunglasses, and ladies! Ooh lala!
Vader: Hmm, good point. Dark Hunter, hand me that sharp looking stick over there.
[rustle of leaves as Dark Hunter picks up stick]
Dark Hunter: Here you go. What do you want this for?
Vader: I'm going to use this stick to kill me a tricloplotz! Tak taki!
[whistle as spear is thrown through the air. Then a nasty stabbing sound. Then a grunt and a loud boom as the dinosaur falls dead onto the ground]
Dark Hunter: You did it! Woohooooo!
Vader: I can't help but wonder what sort of changes this will create. . . .
FADE TO
[A new portal opens]
Junkee: Hmmmm.
Sam Neill: What is it?
Yvonne: Sammy! Hold me! I'm scared! Well not really, but hold me anyway!
Junkee: What's going on?!
Drucifer: In the sky! . . Another portal!
Yvonne: Ahh! It's taking me! Someone save me!
Drucifer: Uh oh. . . .Wheeee!
[warp sound as Drucifer is taken away]
Junkee: Oh hell, no use fighting it I guess. . . .
[warping sound]
Yvonne: Sammmmmm! (voice trails off as she flies away)
Sam Neill: Please, please don't!
[warping sound as Yvonne goes through portal]
[then portal closes. No more wind, no more scary noises, no more nothing]
Sam Neill: Hey, what'd I touch?
FADE TO
[portal sounds . . . then portal closes]
[Yvonne, Junkee, and Drucifer scream until they hit the ground]
Junkee: Owww. . .
Yvonne: Sammy? SAMMY?! Where'd he go?!
[car lands beside them]
Yvonne: Ah!
Drucifer: Oooo. . . You brought the car with you, Yvonne. Good idea! Very smart. Your brains will get you far!
Yvonne: I don't need brains, I need Sammy!
Junkee: Shh!. . . So where are we? This place doesn't look familiar. Lots of green hills. Is it Earth?
Drucifer: I think so.
[horn blows -- dududidoooo! . . . yeah like that]
Yvonne: What was that?
[horses are heard galloping towards them from the bottom of a hill]
Junkee: Ah, I'll ask these horse riders over there for directions. . . . Excuse me! Yeah, we're lost, you see. And uh. . .
[horses stop their gallop and the riders dismount, and walk towards them. Lots of metal and weight in their stride]
Junkee: (less sure now) And . . . and. . . well where are we?
[multiple people draw swords]
Junkee: Whoa!
Yvonne: (whisper) I've got a bad feeling about this.
Drucifer: Give the knights a cookie.
Junkee: Huh?
Knight: You have traveled into the forbidden lands of King Monki. This offense is punishable by death.
Junkee: Oh. . . Want a cookie? . . . .
FADE TO CREDITS
Doctor Junkee was brought to you by Kyle Warner, Yvonne Bartha, and Martin Randle. Script and concept by Kyle Warner. Design and artwork by Yvonne Bartha, Martin Randle, and Kyle Warner. Music, sound effects, and editing by Martin Randle.
Thanks to guest stars Shawn Bartha as Carna "Me kill Junkee!"; Adam Pratt as Dino Dude "Right!"; Christina Frausini as Jpfan4life "Yes sir."; and Mike Banno as Ben "Sonofabitch!". And special thanks to Sam Neill for appearing without knowledge or consent. "How'd you do it?"
Yvonne Bartha played Yvonne "You killed Sammy"; The Green Puppet "I don't know I don't"; and the Prison Computer "Parlez Vous Francais."
Kyle Warner played Dr. Junkee "Where are we?"; Drucifer "I'm a man of science!"; Vader "Are you feeling lucky?"; Darth Chicken "I'm dead now."; Evilgrinch "Actually. . ."; Toby "Dude!"; Bob "Curse him!"; and the Ghost of Host "Fine!"
Martin Randle played Martin Randle "The mop I carry is a weapon"; Darial Longsword ;"Harrr harr harr"; Pete "Raaaar"; Dark Hunter "You're the boss!"; The Dark Janitor "Evil to do people to kill"; The Shniz "Not listening. . . "; Admial Rob "I'm dead now!"; Dan "They weren't very good anyway."; Mr Camel "I'll take a cheque"; Mark "Booya!"; and the Jawas "Choompah!"
All other miscellaneous voices were by Kyle, Yvonne, and Martin.
The creators would like to thank Dan Finkelstein for his wonderful forum and web page www.dansjp3page.com, where this all began, and to everyone who listened and enjoyed.
Host: Farewell!
[ending theme song plays]
[long pause after credits]
General Rancor: Where the hell am I?!
Dan: You've been banned. Welcome to Ban Land.
Penguin: CRAW!
Bob: What'd you do? Spam? Shout? Talk about Dan's mother?
General Rancor: No. I trusted a Polishman with my gun. At least I think he was Polish. Oh la wenga.
Dan: Well now that you are here, you're our slave.
Bob: Muahahahaha!
Penguin: CRAW!
General Rancor: Who's the bird?
Bob: He was a man, but he made Dan mad, so he turned him into a penguin
General Rancor: Why?
Bob: He wouldn't get the grapes!
General Rancor: Oh.
Dan: Now bring me grapes, simpleton bannee! Huhuhooo!
General Rancor: I will ban you!
Penguin: CRAW!
END EPISODE
And so it is over! Thanks for checking it out, much appreciated! Please leave a comment, a lot of time was spent in putting this together, and it would be nice to know what you guys thought of it.
It's not quite set in yet for me that this is all finished. I think the initial idea of an audio series of Dr. Junkee was thought up by Martin at about this time last year. That's a long time working on this thing. It's not always been easy, either. But in closing here, I just want to say thanks to all those who've checked this little comedy out, and an even bigger thanks to those who have stuck with it from beginning to end. And thank you very much to Adam, Christina, Shawn, and Mike for helping us out in playing some characters, it was fun! Also, again, I want to repeat how much this is really a team effort. Martin made the whole audio series possible, with his great sound editing, music, and everything else, sometimes I think there's too much to list. I must say a big thank you to you, Martin, for spending so much time on such a weird story like this. Yvonne came up with a lot of gags in this, and provided us with some of the best parts in the entire series, while also managing to somehow keep me relatively sane and keep working on this thing. So thank you very much for your help, too, Yvonne!
Well, I hope you all enjoyed this! Let us know what you think! And hopefully sometime in the near future we'll have some bonus material from Dr. Junkee 3 to show you. But until then, thanks for taking the time to check out the story!
7/1/2004 4:57:35 AM
(Updated: 7/1/2004 1:46:13 PM)
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