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Dr. Junkee III Loonies In Space (Part 6)
By JPJunkee
Well after about a month of delay, the series is back again! . . . Have you been waiting anxiously? No? Well fine, we'll see if I send you a Christmas card this year! Anyway, this is the longest episode yet, clocking in at just shy of twenty minutes in length. Cool, eh? Also, this episode features the voices of three other forum members, Seth Rex (as Ben), JPfan4life (providing the voice for her character), and Dino_Dude (playing himself). So, we hope you enjoy and please leave a comment! Thanks, it's much appreciated! :)
Characters played by Martin Randle:
Martin Randle
Dark Hunter
Darial Longsword
Dark Janitor
Mark
Pete
Dan
Admiral Rob
Mexican musicians
Characters played by Kyle Warner:
Dr. Junkee
Drucifer
Vader
Toby
Host
Evilgrinch
Bob
Soldiers
Character played by Yvonne Bartha:
Yvonne
Character played by Mike Banno:
Ben
Character played by Christina Frausini:
JPfan4life
Character played by Shawn Bartha:
Carna
Character played by Adam Pratt:
Dino_Dude
And here is the script to go along with the episode.
FADE IN
Dan: In tonight's episode—
[popping noise]
Host: Greetings!
Bob: What the? Who are you?
Host: My name is Host, and I am a ghost! I come here with a message—
Dan: How'd you get in here?
Host: I popped!
Bob: Well pop out bucko, there's no room for you here.
Host: Fine!
[popping sound]
Bob: I wish I made a popping sound.
Dan: Of all the nerve, anyone thinks they can just pop in here whenever they like. How rude.
Bob: I want to pop! I'm depressed now. Pass me that ice cream.
Dan: Want me to start the theme song, Bob? It might make you feel better. . . .
Bob: [sniff] Yeah. . . .
[theme song]
FADE TO
[walking over sand]
Dark Hunter: Thanks for shooting me Vader, I don't know what came over me.
Vader: My pleasure.
Dark Hunter: Ohhh, I'm tired. I'm hot. I'm hungry.
Vader: Just keep walking. The next building is only about a mile away, you can see it just over that rise there.
Dark Hunter: That's a mirage!
Vader: Oh.
Dark Hunter: I'm thirsty!
Vader: I don't have anything for you to drink.
Dark Hunter: Do you think that if we grind sand together, it might make water?
Vader: Are you insane?
Dark Hunter: I used to be insane, now I'm just stupid.
[silence]
Dark Hunter: This is boring, let's sing a song!
Vader: What?
Dark Hunter: I'll ask that band over there if they know how to play any good songs!
Vader: Now you're seeing a mirage.
Dark Hunter: No, I see unappreciated talent in the form of four little Mexican musicians! Hey mucachos! Hit it!
Musician: Unos, dos, trais!
[music starts]
Dark Hunter (singing): They say breaking up is hard to do. I miss my other personality, yes it's true. And now I don't know what to do. Now that I'm without Stu. . .
Vader: I thought your other personality was named Tim?
Dark Hunter: (singing with music) Tim!. . . (normal voice, no music) Shut up!
[whistling sound]
Dark Hunter: What is that?
Musician: Adeba! Adeba! Run away amigos!
[whistling grows louder. . . .then SMASH! something lands hard in the sand]
Dark Hunter: Ahh! It's an alien spaceship!
Vader: Whoa.
[hiss as door opens]
Vader: Uhh. We should be, uhh, going now.
Dark Hunter: Too late! Look!
[eerie music and footsteps on metal as someone jumps out of the crashed escape pod]
Yvonne: Oh, what a rush!
Dark Hunter: God sent down an angel in a metal spaceship to protect us Vader! Do you know what this means? It means we are now protected by an angel that God sent down to protect us in a metal spaceship. . .
Vader: What are you talking about? That's Yvonne.
Yvonne: Hi guys. . . This is a pretty big coincidence, huh?
Vader: Yes, it is. Or wait. . . The puppet said a guide would fall from the skies. Yvonne, you are our guide.
Yvonne: Really? What should I do now?
Vader: Guide us, I guess.
Yvonne: Hmm, okay. Let's go this way towards that mirage.
Dark Hunter: You're the boss!
[bouncing of tire as they walk away]
FADE TO
[Dark Janitor music]
Dark Janitor: (over microphone) Is everybody here? Good. Well, where do I begin? Tssk, tssk, tssk. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You've let yourself down you've your Empire down. But above all else, you've let me down. The Mop, the one thing we needed to win this war, was within arm's reach. . . . And you let it slip away. . .
Evilgrinch: Actually, it was you that let him slip away.
Dark Janitor: What was that? Who said that? Evilgrinch?
Evilgrinch: Umm. It was Admiral Rob!
Dark Janitor: You again.
Admiral Rob: Wha? [choking sounds] I'm dead now! Bleh. [falls down]
Dark Janitor: So then, is everyone sorry?
Multiple voices: Yes sir!
Dark Janitor: And are we now going to catch the people who stole the mop?
Multiple voices: Yes sir!
Dark Janitor: Good! Let's get this cheese ball rolling. . . Captain Evilgrinch! My office, now.
Evilgrinch: Captain?
FADE TO
[Black Widow flying through space]
Junkee: (dry and sarcastic) That rescue attempt went very well. Yvonne's gone. And we all smell like we've crawled out of the hindquarters of a gorilla.
Martin: What happened with Yvonne was unfortunate. But at least Longsword killed the fruitloop! Huzzah!
Longsword: Aharharharhar! Thank ye matey!
Martin: Yvonne could be anywhere in the universe by now. To search for her would be foolish on our parts. But I feel Yvonne's part in this tale is not yet over. . . . And so that leaves us all with but one choice. We must now go to Denmarkia where this was all started. For ourselves there is little hope, this is our final act to bring back peace to this universe. And to put an end to this evil that marshals before us. . . . Or behind us.
Drucifer: You're very smart sounding when you want to be, you know?
Martin: Yes I know. The Academy better not pass up my performance this year, or I'll be raving mad.
Junkee: Uh huh. . . . Captain Longsword, how long will it be before we reach Denmarkia?
Pete: Growllllll.
Longsword: Arrr, Pete's right about that. He can't lie either. Wahookikie naught lie, it's naught in their nature. Wahookikie originate from nature, and that's naught a lie either.
Junkee: That's great. Mind telling me what he said?
Longsword: Oh. Well he said it'd be five days, at least. Arrr.
Martin: Five days?! This is the sixth episode! We need to get there very soon!
Longsword: Aye! The hyperdrive generator runs on a limited supply of deralude for the combustionator. If we try to push it, it'll overheat and blow. Then everyone in the ship will get infected with pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Junkee: Huh?
Longsword: Lung disease mate. I thought you went to college. . .
Drucifer: Have you tried swapping out the electric confluxuator with a new one? Preferably Type-D?
Longsword: Darrrr, no.
Junkee: (Meanwhile, quietly to Martin) What are they even talking about?
Longsword: Will that have any effect on the speed?
Drucifer: Oh yes---
Martin: (Meanwhile, quietly back to Junkee) I have no idea.
Drucifer: ---quadruple it!
Longsword: Pete! Do all the stuff he said!
Pete: Growlllllll!
FADE TO
[walking over sand]
Yvonne: And so then the pirate killed the chicken guy. And that's the last I saw of them as I got into the escape pod. . . So, what have you guys been up to?
Dark Hunter: (excited) Oh! Come on Vader, let me tell her! Let me! Oh, oh let me!
Vader: No! (very fast) We killed some evil midgets, met a green puppet, stole a pod racer, killed a camel, and then stole a tire! (back to normal) Ha!
Dark Hunter: I so hate you.
Vader: Meh. . . . Hey look over there. Two guys in armor standing in the middle of the desert with really big guns. Maybe they can help us.
Yvonne: Those are Imperial Officers.
Dark Hunter: Ooo!
Yvonne: Oh I got a bad feeling about this. . .
FADE TO
[on Black Widow]
[a few zaps and sparks. A wrench falls, clanging onto the ground]
Junkee: How's it going there, hairball?
Pete: GROWL!
[more sparks]
Junkee: Okay then, umm, keep up the good work and stuff.
Pete: Grunt.
[Junkee walks slowly down the hall and into an adjoining room. The sounds of sparks and maintenance work is no longer heard]
Drucifer: [voice fades louder as Junkee enters room] So, Martin, tell me about yourself. You are an alien correct? You don't look like an alien!
Martin: Well. . . I came to Earth as an exile. In the golden era there were many janitors. We kept the planets clean and shiny and brought a pine freshness to the universe.
Junkee: So, what went wrong?
Martin: Oh, hello Junkee. . . . Umm, well there was unrest, and a rebellion. The Dark Janitor knew the ways of the mop but something had turned him evil. At one stage he was a promising student his bleach the most full of minty chlorine we'd ever seen. But his heart was dark and jealous and he didn't want to clean his room, pitiful bugger. He became obsessed with Cheesy Nachos. He painted his walls black and put up posters of Linkin Park. . . . From that point we knew there was no hope.
Longsword: So who he be? Does he have a name? Arrr.
Martin: All janitors have given names: the word 'Rand' means Janitor. For example, Martin Randle means Fighting Janitor of Light. His name means Mythical Janitor of Darkness. Or Myth Rand rir.
Drucifer: That's a very strange name!
Martin: Yes, but these are our Janitor names only. I was born Zap Madrigal.
Drucifer: [sniggers] Zap? Madrigal!
Martin: Yes, well my parents were hippies!
Longsword: Yo ho! Yo ho! A hippies life for me!
[pause]
Longsword: Sorry.
Drucifer: Hey Darial, show me how to stab a guy!
Longsword: Argh, I think not lad. Very pointy. You could poke yer eye out.
Drucifer: Oh come on! I showed you how to make your ship faster. You show me how to stab a guy!
Longsword: Martin what do you think?
Martin: Go ahead, he could use some combat training.
Longsword: Aye. [sword is removed from sheath with that famous 'shing!' sound] Now, ye just firmly grasp it right there and—
[clang as the sword is dropped onto the ground]
Drucifer: Oh! . . . Oh, oh my foot! Oh, all I see is blood, all the blood, it's all I see, it's everywhere! . . . I'm. . . I'm growing faint. . .
Longsword: Get a hold of yerself, lad!
[slap!]
Drucifer: Oh. . . . Sorry. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was full of pink umbrellas, which I found to be a disturbing sight.
Martin: Hmm.
Junkee: Give me the sword, I'll put him out of all our miseries.
Drucifer: [worried laugh]
Martin: Oh, Junkee, I forgot you were there. Is there something you need?
Junkee: Oh yeah. Does anybody want a coffee or a soda or something?
Drucifer: I would like a bright green drink with a pretty pink umbrella.
Martin: Oh hush up about the umbrellas already, it's getting on my nerves.
Longsword: Yarr! We don't have any umbrellas anyway! Savvy?
Drucifer: Fine!
Junkee: How about I just bring you whatever?
Martin, Longsword, and Drucifer: [grunt. . . a yes, grunt]
Junkee: Okay.
[Junkee starts walking down the halls again and the voices of the others fade as we follow him. Hums to himself as a coffee machine is set to work]
[Music gets tense as we hear a scurrying sound]
Junkee: (quietly) What the?
[more scurrying sounds]
Junkee: (Shouts) Longsword - do you have rats on this ship? Or perhaps little illegal aliens?
Longsword: (distant) Rats! Hahahar no laddy. Pete eats all the rats or alien stowaways he finds!
[footsteps as Martin and Drucifer approach]
Martin: What's up Doc?
Drucifer: Haha! I knew someone would say that! Haha!
Junkee: There's something on this ship besides us.
Martin: Ah. That's what you said in the garbage compactor. . . and. . .oh.
Drucifer: [sniff] Smells like a pile of dung beetles. Do you smell it?
Martin: Yes, I smell it.
[scurrying sounds again]
Junkee: We're not alone.
[scurrying louder]
FADE TO
[walking over sand]
Vader: Hello, can you help us?
Imperial Officer Toby: Halt chumdinger! Hey! Whoa! [clatter of metal as he draws gun]
Dark Hunter: Ah! Don't shoot! . . .We come. . . in peace.
Imperial Officer Ben: Whoa put your gun down, Toby. It's guys like you that make people think the Empire is full of lowlifes and killers for hire, ya know?
Toby: Whoa, but isn't it?
Ben: Hush. . . . Well then, good day citizens. I am Imperial Officer Ben, and this is my partner, Toby.
Toby: Grrrrr!
Yvonne: We're uhh, we're lost. Can you point us to the nearest town?
Ben: Sure, just go down that—
[loud gunshots from far away, the bullets all land near everybody]
Ben and Toby: Sonofabitch!
Mark: (from far away) Haha! Almost got ya that time, chumdingers!
Toby: Whoooa, that was close.
Yvonne: What was that?
Toby: Sniper fire. Frickin resistance soldiers have been trying to kill us all day, man.
Vader: Why haven't you retreated back to your base?
Toby: We're lost, man. . . .
Ben: (takes a deep breath, then says) That wasn't just close, Toby. That was a flipping miracle! We should be dead, man.
Toby: It was luck. Yeah. . .
Ben: This was not flaming luck! This was divine intervention. And I want you to acknowledge it, man.
Vader: Hmm. Religious topics. Someone always ends up hurt in these things.
Dark Hunter: I've seen an angel! She said to me 'Dark Hunter stop dying so much' and then went away. . . .
Vader: Good for you.
Toby: Ben, you saying that God stopped those bullets?
Ben: That's exactly what I'm saying. God came down from Heaven, and stopped those flaming bullets. What are your opinions on this, civilian?
Vader: It was luck. God doesn't give a damn about you.
Toby: The dude's got a point, dude.
Yvonne: Sure, it was God. Now could you please tell us where to go?
Toby: Whoa! No way, man!
Ben: What about you twigboy? What do you make of all this?
Dark Hunter: I don't have an opinion.
Toby: You've gotta have an opinion, man. I mean, dude, do you think God came down from Heaven and stopped—
[Bang! laser gunshot!]
Dark Hunter: [screams as he flies off into the distance, tire goes with him]
[short pause]
Toby: Whoa! Aww man. I just shot twigboy in the face. Dude!
Vader: You're my hero.
Ben: Why'd you do that?!
Toby: Well I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, dude. Must have been a change in the winds or something, it made me shoot him. . . . Did you fart?!
Ben: Man, I didn't flipping fart!
Toby: Okay then, who farted? Was it you?!
Vader: Nobody farted!
Yvonne: Now listen, you just shot our companion in the face and he went flying off into the sunset. Now while he was worthless and all, he was carrying something very dear to us.
Ben: What was that?
Vader: Uhh. A tire.
Toby: Whoa! A tire?
Yvonne: We're on a mission from the Gods, and we needed that tire. But now since we lost it, the universe is doomed.
[pause]
Ben and Toby: [laughing]
Ben: They're loonies. Go ahead Imperial Officer Toby, you may shoot them.
FADE TO
[scurrying moves away]
Junkee: That way, follow it!
[running through the halls, while scurrying continues at a very fast pace]
Drucifer: It's above us! In the ceiling!
[running stops, as does the scurrying. Then we hear something fall over not too far away]
Junkee: It's behind this door. Open it.
[running approaching them]
Longsword: Arrr, what ye be chasing after laddies?
Drucifer: It's a giant SPIDER!
Longsword: Arr!
Martin: It's inside the cargo hold. . . . We must get to it.
Junkee: Have I ever told any of you I have a terrible fear of spiders?
Martin: No.
Junkee: Well, I do.
Martin: Oh, that's nice.
Junkee: But at least I've got this. . . .
[shing sound!]
Martin: A hypodermic needle ... oooo, that will be a lot of use against a giant spider.
Junkee: This is not just any normal needle. . .
Drucifer: It's so shiny!
Junkee: Precisely! And it's pointy!
Drucifer: Can I hold it?
Martin: No, no, no, don't let him touch it!
Junkee: My father gave this needle to me, and it was given to him by his father, and so on and so forth. Old Reliable is its name. . . . It has been in my family for many years and I will kill the spider with it, like I'm sure my fathers did when they were confronted by giant space spiders!
Longsword: Arr, I'm opening the door now.
Junkee: Oh shit.
[door swishes open]
Carna: Kazabla! Me kill Junkeeeeeee!
Martin Longsword and Drucifer: (scream!) Aaaaaaaeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
[sound of running footsteps!]
Junkee: Ah! It's you!!
FADE TO
[gun sounds]
Yvonne: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Mark: (from far away) Hey chumdingers!
Ben and Toby: Oh sonofa---
[lots of gunshots as Ben and Toby are blown away]
Mark: Booya!
Yvonne: You . . . you just killed them. . . . Who are you?
Mark: My name is Mark, I am a pilot and soldier in the Irresistible Resistance. But more importantly; who are you two? New recruits?
[sound of feet over the sand]
JPfan4life: Get out of my way.
Mark: Commander, I found these two!
JPfan4life: Well, well, looks like we have some new Imperial recruits. Didn't even get your proper uniforms on yet, I see.
Vader: Huh?
Yvonne: We're not with the Empire, we were just asking for directions.
JPfan4life: Lost all the way out here without a map? Sounds hard to believe. But we'll see. . . .
Yvonne: And who are you missy? I thought I was the only female voice in this story.
Jpfan4life: Well, not anymore! My name is Jpfan4life. But that's kind of long and awkward, so you can call me whatever you want.
Vader: Nancy?
Jpfan4life: No.
Vader: Sarah?
Jpfan4life: No.
Vader: What happened to calling you whatever I wanted?
Jpfan4life: I just changed my mind! You call me Commander JPfan, okay? . . . . Hmmmmm.
Vader: Why, umm, why are you looking at me like that?
Mark: You see it too, Commander?
JPfan4life: Yes.
Mark: He's a spitting image of Bootstrap Bill.
Vader: Oh crap. . .
Yvonne: Who's Bootstrap Bill?
Vader: My father. I mean, a farther, a farther away man.
Mark: Bootstrap Bill changed his name to General Rancor. . . . no one knows why.
Yvonne: Did you ever ask him?
Mark: Oh, aye.
Yvonne: And what'd he say?
Mark: He said he doesn't know either.
Yvonne: And is this the same General Rancor that blew up Isla Nublar?
Mark: I certainly hope not!
Yvonne: Don't you ..... uh, work for him?
Mark: I don't see where you're going with this. We better tell General Rancor that the new recruits have got some very odd interrogation tactics!
Yvonne: And you're related to the General, Vader?
Vader: Meh.
Jpfan4life: Come on you two. You're going to meet the General. He'll know what to do with you.
Mark: Where's the other one? The twigboy?
Yvonne: There was no other.
[long pause of no dialogue as a scary music starts, hinting that Mark suspects something]
[music abruptly ends]
Mark: Oh, alright then, let's go.
[walking over sand]
FADE TO
[Dark Janitor music]
[Doors close to a quiet room]
Admiral Evilgrinch: Did you say . . . Captain?
Dark Janitor: Yes and be happy a demotion is all you got! Admiral Rob is dead now.
Admiral Evilgrinch: Yes that is the rumor.
Dark Janitor: I put a tracking device on the Black Widow, Martin Randle's ship. They are heading in a direct path for Sector 134.9. Is there anything of interest in that region?
Admiral Evilgrinch: 134.9? Nope. Only Denmarkia, and no one would go there!
Dark Janitor: Denmarkia? DENMARKIA!!! Grinch! Follow that damn ship and do NOT let them reach that planet as if your life depends upon it, because it erm... does! . . . At last Martin's intentions with the Mop are revealed. He seeks to destroy it.
Admiral Evilgrinch: Gasps!
Dark Janitor: Yes, quite!
Admiral Evilgrinch: What do we do?! They'll be all the way to Denmarkia, long before us!
Dark Janitor: I think it's time we unveil our secret weapon. . . . Evilgrinch, push the button.
Admiral Evilgrinch: Yes, sir.
[beep! . . . door swishes open]
[menacing music as loud footsteps are heard coming from this new door]
Dino_Dude: G'day mate!
FADE TO CREDITS
Credits: The Adventures of Dr. Junkee III was written and conceived by Kyle Warner. All music and sound production was by Martin Randle. All voices by Martin Randle, Kyle Warner, and Yvonne Bartha. Characters based on forum members of www dot dansjp3page dot com. Special Guest Stars: Christina Frausini as JPfan4life, Shawn Bartha as Carna, Mike Banno as Ben, and Adam Pratt as Dino_Dude.
FADE TO
[TV is on in the background]
Dan: What are you watching?
Bob: Bored! Just flipping channels!
Dan: You're still upset about not being able to pop aren't you?! You know, I 'harp' when I arrive like this. [harp sound!]
Bob: Mmm. (sarcastically) That's nice!
Dan: Ooooh go back go back to Oprah! I'm on that show - budge over!
END EPISODE
And so that ends it! All episodes from here on out, should be coming every other week, like we had orginally set out to do. So, thanks for taking the time to listen (or read. . . or both), we hope ya enjoyed! Comments are appreciated!
3/18/2004 1:49:24 AM
(Updated: 3/18/2004 2:22:14 AM)
(Updated: 3/18/2004 3:19:01 AM)
(Updated: 3/18/2004 3:40:23 PM)
(Updated: 3/20/2004 12:30:08 AM)
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