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Dr. Junkee III Loonies In Space (Part 1)
By JPJunkee
And so here it is. . . . The first episode in the (hopefully) long awaited audio series Dr. Junkee 3: Loonies In Space. First, I'd like to make one thing clear. While the story is being posted under my name, this was very much a team effort. Martin Randle spent many, many hours working on the audio stuff including compiling the recordings, editing the sound effects, writing new music, and so on. Yvonne was also a big part of the team, contributing ideas and of course providing her voice. And while I wrote the most of it, many parts were either inspired by their ideas or were actually written by them. This was all a team effort. . . just making that clear.
And now, without further delay here is the first episode. Just right click on the poster and choose save as, for best results. We hope you enjoy! Please leave a comment when you're done!
Characters played by Martin Randle:
Martin Randle
Dark Hunter
The Shniz
Dan
Jawa
Guard
Bar Brawler
Credit reading droid
Gimli
Characters played by Kyle Warner:
Dr. Junkee
Vader
Drucifer
Host
Bob
Characters played by Yvonne Bartha.
Yvonne
The Puppet/Yoda
Sam Neill played by himself, though he doesn't even know it.
And here is the script to go along with the episode.
FADE IN
Dan: The power of evil is growing. The requiem of the sane has diminished. The order of good is falling. For what once was moral. . . is now gone. It all began with the forging of the Great Mops—
Bob: We've heard this before, Dan.
Dan: Hey! I'm the narrator for this story, butt out Bob!
Bob: No, I heard we were to be co-narrators.
Dan: What?! My contract doesn't say that.
Bob: Mine does.
[sound of paper as Bob hands Dan his contract for the show]
Dan: Argh. . . . Okay, so what do you propose we say, Bob?
Bob: Just tell them about what has come before, but don't make it so boring, Dan. Spiff it up a little. Make it snazzy and jazzy.
Dan: Well fine, if I'm not appreciated, you can all go to Dansjp3page and read the damn series yourself.
Bob: Start the damn theme song!
[theme song starts]
FADE TO
Drucifer: Where – Where am I? Is everyone okay? Yvonne?
Yvonne: I'm fine. Martin, are you alright?
Martin: Yes, I'm okay. . . . . Where is Dr. Junkee?
Junkee (from a small distance away): Over here! . . . I found Host.
[Martin, Drucifer, and Yvonne walk over to Junkee]
Drucifer: Host died?
Martin (Dry): He died a long time ago, Drucifer.
Drucifer: When? Where was I?
Yvonne: You were in the same room when he died. Remember?
Martin: His body must have been sucked in with the teleportation vortex.
Junkee: Where are the others? Dark Hunter and Vader?
Martin: I don't know Junkee. . . . I can't seem to sense them with my Wizard powers!
Junkee: That brings me to another question; where are we?
Yvonne: This isn't Earth.
Drucifer: Everything's. . . . chrome.
Junkee: Even the trees are chrome. This place gives me the creeps.
Martin: We are no longer on Earth. In fact, we are no longer in the same universe. This, Dr. Junkee, is called Chromelia.
Junkee: How fitting.
Yvonne: What are we doing here?
Martin: I must have made a small mistake in where I wanted us to teleport to.
Junkee: Small mistake?
Martin: Just a teensy weensy mistake. . . . I'm new to the whole Wizard business.
[popping sound]
Host: SILENCE!!!!!
Yvonne: Holy crap! It's the ghost of Host!
Drucifer: Wow, you're all blue and see-through and stuff.
Host: Yes, I have come back to you now. . . in spirit!
Junkee: That's kind of creepy.
Host: I come here with a message; stop messing around and get a move on! You all share the same goal, and that is to save everyone.
Junkee: What? Save everyone?. . . .
Host: Surely that is why you are here.
Junkee: I never heard anything about saving anybody, I just want to get back to Earth—
Host: FAREWELL!
[popping sound]
Junkee: What's this about saving people?
Martin: Not all is clear to me yet. I must meet with someone who is both wise and probably a traitor to all mankind. . . He'll know what to do.
Drucifer: And what about us?
Martin: You must make for the Bright and Shiny Cantina. Wait for me there. . . . Good luck.
[Martin runs away really fast, because he just isn't lucky enough to have a horse]
Yvonne: Well I guess that leaves me in charge for now.
Junkee: What? Hardly. . . I am still the most adult person here—
Drucifer: I'm older than you are.
Junkee: But—Age has nothing to do with being adult. We don't trust you.
Drucifer: Yvonne, you don't trust me?
Yvonne: No, but I don't trust Junkee either.
Junkee: Well, I don't trust any of you, so that makes me the leader.
Yvonne: What? No fair!
Junkee: Life isn't fair, now come on. The sooner we get off this chrome wasteland, the better.
FADE TO
Dark Hunter: Vader? . . . . Where are we?
Vader: Ummm. . . . I don't know, Dark Hunter. It looks like a desert of some sort.
Dark Hunter: Oh my God!
Vader: What is it?
Dark Hunter: I know where we are!
Vader: Where?
Dark Hunter (kind of scared and quiet): We're in. . . . Iraq.
Vader: Hmm, well, that sign over there says we're in Tatooine.
Dark Hunter: No, no, no, Vader, that's just a cover-up so we won't look for any weapons of mass destruction!
Vader: Uh huh. . . . Well, there are some people over there, perhaps they can help us.
[Vader and Dark Hunter walk over to people]
Vader: Excuse me—
Jawa: Choompa!
Vader: Um, yes quite. . . .Where are we?
Jawa: You teedi!
Dark Hunter (whisper): I think it's Iraqi language. . . .
Vader (whisper, again): I don't remember Iraqis being three-feet tall, and having glowing gold eyes.
Jawa: Ecki ecki!
Dark Hunter: They're terrorists plotting the downfall of the free world of Kenya!. . . Glowing eyes – they have been exposed to radiation! We must save the world, one midget at a time!
Jawa: Epi woo to lu?
Vader: They have . . . plasma rifles.
Jawa: Hehe!
Dark Hunter: I guess that leaves us no other choice. . . . than to kill you all.
Jawa: Bahaha!
Dark Hunter (war cry): For alcohol!
Vader: Tak taki!
[sound of plasma rifle firing, and the two guys falling down]
Dark Hunter: Holy moly! The little bugger shot us.
Vader: Okay, now I'm pissed.
[Vader gets back up, and walks over to Jawas. Again, we hear the gun drawn as he approaches, and the electric hum]
Vader: Give me that gun.
[Vader takes the gun away]
Jawa: Shit. . .
Vader: Damn straight!
[The plasma rifle fires repeatedly, and the Jawas run around screaming. . . Then after a short moment, the screaming and gunshots cease.
Dark Hunter: Well, Vader. . . . I think you just killed the only guys in this whole desert. . . .And the only guys that know the way to civilization.
Vader: Oh, hell.
Dark Hunter: Oh. . . .wait. . . . look over there. . . . Is that a. . . . green gremlin?
[music kind of flows as though a camera might when zooming in on a face]
Yoda voiced character: I am a puppet.
[short pause]
Vader: I'm sorry?
Yoda: Yessssss, seek the city you do.
Dark Hunter: How could you possibly know that?!
Vader: Tell us where the nearest city is, or I'll pound you into pea soup.
Yoda: Answers, you seek. Mmm, take this road thirty feet in that direction, you will. A small town, you will find. Hmmm, then make for the city of Mass Eyesore, you will.
Dark Hunter: Thank you small green midget that talks odd. We will do what you say.
Yoda: To you farewell. Yesssssssss.
FADE TO
[Martin knocks his fist on a big steel door. The door opens]
Guard (the guard has a real gruff mean voice): Yeah? Who are you, and what is your business here?
Martin: My name is Martin Randle. . . . I have come seeking the guidance of The Shniz.
Guard: Hmmm. . . okay, follow me.
[A really short bit of the guard leading Martin through a building]
Guard: Visitor for the Shniz.
Shniz (gangster sort of voice): Mmmmm? Who might that be?
Martin: It is I, Martin Randle. . . .And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.
Shniz: Ahhhhh, Martin, Martin, please sit down. I have not seen you in ages, my friend.
Martin: Yes it's been a long time. A long time indeed.
Shniz: Things have been going good for me. I've got this whole crime ring thing going on. Lots of money and women, and stuff.
Martin: You've done well for yourself.
Shniz: Mmmmmm. . . . So, what brings you to Chromelia?
Martin: I have no idea.
Shniz: Hmmmm, is that so?
Martin: Yes, indeed it is. . . . I have come here seeking guidance. I am here with a company of three others, Dr. Junkee, Yvonne, and Drucifer. Two other members of our fellowship have gone astray. Moments ago, we had a visitor from a ghost, who told us we were here to destroy evil and save people . . . I need you to share your vast wisdom with me, The Shniz.
Shniz: Mmmmhmmmmm. . . . It sounds like you're screwed, Martin.
Martin: Heh, well that's putting it lightly.
Shniz: I know why you were drawn here, you are to defeat this evil – but it will not be a simple task.
Martin: Please, will you tell me?
Shniz: Hmmmm. . . First, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. . . .
Martin: Why not?
Shniz: Why not what?
Martin: Why won't I refuse it?
Shniz: Because you can't.
Martin: I so can!
Shniz: No, no you can't. Otherwise, I won't tell you, that you have to go to Denmarkia.
Martin: Ah ha!
Shniz: Oh, I said too much.
Martin: So, umm, what is this offer I can't refuse?
Shniz: No I'm not telling you now.
Martin: Couldn't have been very good.
Shniz: Lalala, not listening. . .
Martin: So, it's got something to do with Denmarkia. Now where's that, I wonder.
Shniz: No not saying anything. . . (voice fading out)
Dan: And so they argued into the night. Until me and Bob told Martin the plot because we were getting bored.
FADE TO
[on the bustling streets of Chromelia]
Junkee: There it is, the Bright and Shiny Cantina. . . I guess we go in now.
[Junkee, Yvonne, and Drucifer walk into the Cantina. As soon as they enter the building, we hear quirky bizarre music, and lots of people simply mumbling and talking to each other]
Junkee: Jeez, this whole bar looks like Miami. . .
Mean Guy: You saying something bad about the great state of Texas?!
Junkee: Umm. . . .what?
[Mean Guy tackles Junkee through a table, and the two fight with each other]
Sam Neill the Bartender: You can have anything you want here.
Drucifer: I'll have a martini with a pretty pink little umbrella.
Yvonne: Oh my God! . . . . You look just like Sammy!
Sam the Bartender: Can I buy you a beer?
Yvonne: You have a beautiful smile. . . and accent. . . and eyes. . . . and . . . eyebrows. . . .
Sam the Bartender: I guess I feel kind of lucky, little amazed, that a woman like you would be want to be with a man like me.
[meanwhile]
[Drucifer sips at his martini, and sighs, enjoying the drink. Then Martin appears beside him]
Martin: I have found out the entire plot of the story.
Drucifer: That quick, eh? Must be a pretty thin plot.
[popping sound as the ghost of Host appears]
Host: Evenin'. . . . Oooo, Drucifer, what's that you're drinking?
Drucifer: Umbrella slurpy!
Host: I want one! . . . . Barkeep, give me what he's having.
Sam the Bartender: No, no, no, no.
Yvonne: Yeah so step away from the bar. You're crowding Sam's space.
Martin: Sorry, Host, but you don't want to anger the bartender. . . . We can't afford to draw attention to ourselves.
Host: Fine.
[popping noise as Host disappears]
Sam the Bartender: There has to be some kind of an explanation for what I've seen tonight.
Junkee: So, Martin, what did you find out?
Martin: One moment. . . Yvonne? Come over here, please.
Yvonne: (to Martin, across the room) I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Sam the Bartender: You have a right to be here.
Yvonne: (to Sam the Bartender) So, what are you doing Friday night?
Martin: Come here this instant, young lady!
Yvonne: (to Sam) Here's my phone number, call me.
Sam the Bartender: Do you want me to. . . keep an eye on her?
Yvonne: Oh, you're such a gentleman. [Yvonne walks across the room to the others] (dry mean voice to the others) What the hell do you guys want?
Junkee: Martin's about to tell us how to get back to Earth.
Yvonne: Earth?!
Drucifer: The planet with all the water and stuff.
Yvonne: Yeah, but, I met Sam here! I'm never ever leaving this cantina.
Martin: (sighs) The Mop I carry is a weapon created by the Dark Janitor of the Dark Closet. We were pulled to this planet by the power of the Dark Janitor. He is trying to rule the universe, and he is so close to accomplishing his goal, and all he needs now is the eternal power of the One Mop. He will destroy everything, kill everyone, just to get to this Mop. . . . Oh he is seeking it. He is seeking it with all his wit and intellect. . . which isn't a lot, but that's beside the point.
Junkee: The Mop must be destroyed.
Yvonne: Fine, you guys go destroy the Mop and defeat the Dark Janitor. I'm staying right here, with my Sam.
Martin: Yvonne, if we fail, there won't be any Sam here to come back to.
Yvonne: Well, then you better not fail.
Drucifer: Here, Martin, give me the Mop.
Martin: Okay. . . .
Drucifer: I'm going to try to saw it in half with my steak knife.
Junkee: Will that work?
Martin: No—
Drucifer: Sure it will!
[Drucifer begins to try and saw away at the Mop with his steak knife. He growls in anger, as nothing happens]
Martin: The Mop cannot be destroyed by any mere eating utensils, Drucifer, son of Brucifer. It must be taken to the fires of Mount Broom, where it was made. Only there, can it be unmade.
Yvonne: Yep, well, again it seems like you guys have everything under control.
Martin: We will need your help, Yvonne. We cannot accomplish this task without you.
Yvonne (disappointed): Aww, why not?
Martin: Oh I don't know, I mean it's probably good to have a female character helping out throughout the story. Especially if you beat up lots of men.
Yvonne: Yeah, I'll be a hero to little girls everywhere!
Martin: Yes, quite. So, you're coming with us?
Yvonne: Yes, you shall have my wine.
Junkee: And my medications.
Drucifer: And my witty one-liners.
Gimli: And my axe!
[pause]
Gimli: Sorry, got caught up in the moment.
[Gimli walks away]
Martin: We shall be the Fellowship of the Mop.
[music!]
Junkee: So, uhh, what now?
Martin: We must make now for the planet Denmarkia. We will need a spaceship and a pilot.
FADE TO CREDITS
Credits: The Adventures of Dr. Junkee 3 were written and conceived by Kyle Warner. Music and sound production was by Martin Randle. All voices by Martin Randle, Kyle Warner, and Yvonne Bartha. Characters based on forum members of www dot dansjp3page dot com. Sam Neill samples courtesy of www dot ncsociety dot net.
[pause]
Gimli: I've got a bad feeling about this. . . .
Martin: You aren't going to appear in the story ever again, Gimli.
Gimli (in disbelief): No! Nooooo!
END EPISODE
Thanks for listening and reading! Many, many hours were spent putting together this episode as well as the rest of the series, so perhaps you can take the time to leave us a quick comment! Thanks everybody.
The next episode should be posted on the first of January, so look for it then!
Thanks again!
12/18/2003 1:13:44 PM
(Updated: 12/23/2003 1:49:16 AM)
(Updated: 3/20/2004 8:27:59 PM)
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