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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 8)
By JPJunkee
WHEN A BANKER JUMPS OUT OF A WINDOW, JUMP OUT AFTER HIM -- THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY IS!
Amber tapped his hands on the steering wheel of the Jeep he had stolen from the garage. He had also stolen about thirty million dollars worth of embryos from the labs. And it was all so easy. The only thing he had to do now, was get to the boat and then get off this godforsaken island.
Where was the boat? he wondered. Perhaps it would have been best to find out where he needed to go, before he left. But it was too late now!
Stuffing another wad of chewing tobacco into his mouth, he began to hum, "To the boat, to the boat, to the boat, boat, boat. To the boat, to the boat, to the boat, boat, boat," and so on.
Mud and water splashed up onto the hood of his Jeep as he drove about ten miles faster than any person should drive in such weather conditions. He needed to find the boat fast, or he was going to get left behind, and he would miss out on a lot of money. . .
* * *
The self-proclaimed 'savior of all mankind', Guilty Spark, grunted as he climbed up the steep muddy hill at the side of the road. He had tried to save those in the Explorers and those that stood by the triceratops, but his attempts were thwarted either by the grace of the Gods above or by the grills on the front of the Ford made vehicles. He did not let this damper his enthusiasm however, oh no! Guilty Spark was the savior! He knew Martin was a bad man.
Years ago, Guilty Spark had stumbled upon a mop. . . but not just any mop, this was the One Mop. The power of the Mop taunted and haunted Spark's mind, making him do all its bidding. He loved the Mop, and the Mop loved him. But then, one day, the Mop fell from its perch inside Guilty's garage, and rolled out underneath the door. He ran to save it, but before he could, another janitor had picked up the Mop, and taken it as his own. Martin Randle had stolen the Mop away from him. The thief! Oh, he was an evil, evil man, that Martin was. And now, Martin was going to use his evil powers of pure evil to corrupt the innocents on this island! No, Guilty Spark would not let that happen. He would save them and he would silence Martin Randle once and for all.
But first he had to figure out where the hell he was. After the Explorer knocked him out, Guilty Spark awoke next to a small, little cave. He was not sure how he had gotten there, and quite frankly, he didn't want to know. As soon as he had his senses about him once more, Guilty Spark had run from that cave, and now found himself climbing up a hill next to the side of the road.
At the side of the road, he saw a three-foot high sign. Smiling, Guilty Spark hurried over to the sign, hoping it would reveal his location.
It didn't. Instead, it had an arrow pointing in the direction of the nearest boat dock. Well, a lot of good this sign was, he sighed. Then, faintly, he heard the sound of a car approaching him. He smiled once more, awaiting an innocent in need of his rescuing.
* * *
Something crossed the headlights of Amber's Jeep. A man in muddy clothing. How peculiar. And then, beside the man, was a waist high. . . .sign.
"Signs," Amber snarled, "I hate signs!"
Amber slammed the accelerator down, and the Jeep sped faster towards the sign at the side of the road.
Meanwhile, Guilty Spark stood beside the sign, his thumb up, trying to catch a ride. He saw the Jeep speed up, heading directly towards him. A smiled crossed his face, it was always nice when another person was so urgent to help a fellow man.
The Jeep never slowed down.
Guilty Spark frowned, "Oh hell."
"WOOO!" Amber screamed, his Jeep striking Guilty Spark, and sending him flying into the air. Amber screamed even louder when he heard the pleasing crunching sound of the blasted sign breaking upon impact when he drove over it.
Amber's tremendous glee turned to terror however when his Jeep began a fast descent over a muddy hill at the side of the hill. He screamed as the Jeep finally came to a halt, the back tires getting locked on a fallen tree.
Amber took a deep breath, and checked in the backseat to be sure that the beer keg that held the embryos was still safe – it was. He let out a collective sigh, then stepped out of the Jeep, and into the torrential downpour.
Standing beside the Jeep, in the middle of the large hill, he could see an odd cave formation nearby. Above the cave, was a little picture of a boat and an arrow pointing him in the right direction. He smiled.
"Haha! I am invincible!" Amber shouted, jumping up in the air. When his feet came back down to earth, he slipped in the mud, and he tumbled down the hill.
* * *
Lightning in the dark sky above danced like florescent snakes in mating season trying to. . .well, wiggle around each other. Yvonne looked down from the vivid show of the storm, and turned her attention back to the road she drove on. Ahead of her, she could see a building with lights on. She knew it was the Visitor's Center.
She smiled and looked beside her at Martin. The man looked very worried however, his eyes very distant, never grasping a single obstacle that Yvonne drove past. Yvonne wondered what could be troubling Martin, especially now that they had finally reached the Visitor's Center.
Yvonne drove the Jeep up to the front of the building, and slammed on the breaks. Immediately, she and Martin opened the vehicle's doors, then ran up the steps to the big front doors of the elegant Visitor's Center.
"Where is Drucifer?" Martin asked.
"I'll take you to him, he's probably in the Control Room," Yvonne said, opening the doors and walking into the lavish lobby. "What's the matter, Martin?"
Martin shook his head, "I don't know. Not yet. But something. . . . something is about to happen."
"Like what?"
Martin sighed, "Something bad."
Yvonne frowned, and ushered Martin down the twisting halls towards the Control Room. She found the door, and tried the doorknob. It was locked.
"Damn thing," she growled, beating her hand against the steel door.
"Step aside," Martin said. Once Yvonne was far enough away, he swung the Mop against the door, breaking it off its hinges and sending it toppling over. Martin smiled and said, "Ladies first."
Yvonne, wide-eyed, stepped over the large steel door on the ground and walked into the Control Room. She saw Drucifer standing beside a computer desk with Mr. Goodbytes and Snake-Mark. Drucifer looked confused.
"Did you hear a loud bang, Yvonne?" Drucifer inquired.
Yvonne shook her head, "No."
"Hmm, I must be getting old. I'm hearing things."
"The power in the park is out," Mr. Goodbytes said, before taking a long draw on his cigarette.
"We know," Martin said, stepping into the Control Room.
"Martin? Martin Randle?" Drucifer asked.
"Yes, it is I, Drucifer."
"I thought you died?"
"I did."
"You look old."
"I know."
"You have a long beard. . . . You know, Martin, if you ever needed help with money or anything, you can come to me, I've got a lot of it!"
"Do not take me for an old homeless zombie, Drucifer," Martin growled. "I am not here to beg money of you. I am here to help you."
"How are you going to help me?" Drucifer asked, he sounded doubtful.
"Your power is out," Martin said. "And you have a traitor in your midst, though he is not here any longer."
"We know that stuff already," Snake-Mark said.
Mr. Goodbytes sighed, "For the last twenty minutes, I've been trying to get the power back. So far, we only have auxiliary power, at least it's holding up for now. One of the computer geeks, Amber, stole some embryos from us, and then released two dinosaurs from the dino sick-bay."
Martin nodded, "The other visitors, where are they?"
"They're stuck somewhere near the t-rex paddock," Snake-Mark said. "With the power down, their cars can't return to us."
Yvonne looked alarmed. "You mean AlanGrant5 is stuck in a car next to a cage that holds a giant predator, and the power is out, so it could break out at any moment and eat everyone?!"
"It's possible, but not probable," Goodbytes said.
Martin frowned, then pointed at Snake-Mark and said, "You, take Yvonne out to the other cars, bring back the other visitors."
"Yes, sir," Snake-Mark said, putting his shotgun over his shoulder.
"Why do I have to go?" Yvonne asked.
"Come on!" Snake-Mark said, leaving the Control Room, Yvonne frowned then followed him.
Martin sighed and watched the two leave the room.
"Martin. . . Who died and put you in charge?" Drucifer said, stomping his cane on the floor.
"Me," Martin said matter-of-factly.
"Oh."
"So, what now?" Goodbytes asked, putting out his cigarette and lighting a new one.
"Cloning these animals was a mistake. It has really pissed off the Gods and nature. They will now extract their revenge upon all who walk this island." Martin paused, and closed his eyes. "The war has begun."
* * *
Guilty Spark opened his eyes and saw the dark clouds. They were so close, he could nearly touch them. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was the bright headlights of the Jeep, and then a loud 'thunk'. . . Then blackness. Was he dead? No! He couldn't die, he was the savior! He felt wind across his face and then his body spun. No longer did he see the clouds in the sky, but now he saw the jungle below.
"GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" he screamed.
The Jeep had hit him so hard, he had literally flew into the clouds. His eyes went wide as he began his descent towards the ground.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
* * *
AlanGrant5 sighed and then continued to chew away at his fingernails. Host was bored, too. So bored in fact, he actually decided it best that he try to converse with the moron beside him.
"So, where do you stand in politics?" Host asked.
"Hmm?" AlanGrant5 mumbled, still chewing away at his fingernails.
"Politics, are you a democrat or a republican?"
"Paleontologist," AlanGrant5 said, never looking up at Host.
"What? . . . .No, no, politics, what party are you with? What are your views on the economy and war?"
"Wars make for good movies," he shrugged. "Lots of guns and blood make good movies. I support war, as long as they make movies based on it. As for the economy. . . I don't know."
Host shook his head, and decided to change the subject. "Read any good books, lately?"
"I can't read."
"Oh. . . .I'm sorry."
"Don't be! I'm not. Besides, reading and writing is bad for you. If you like to read or write, then you're old and stuck in the past. It only limits your imagination and creativity, doesn't allow you to express yourself, or immerse yourself in other lives or things."
"Hmmm. . . what?"
"You like to read or write?"
"I've written three books in three years," Host said.
"Oh. . . I'm sorry."
Host really wanted a gun now. He was confident that at this close range, the blood from the shot would make for a good movie that even the moron would enjoy.
* * *
RaptorHiss waved his baseball cap back and forth like a fan, trying to keep cool. In the front seat, Panos sat with his nose up against the glass. His legs danced on the floor, as the urge to run to the bathroom increased. Drucifer had insured him that bathrooms would be placed everywhere around the park, and indeed, there bathroom was nearby. But it was raining out! . . . And he was wearing beagle-skin shoes made in Nova Scotia, and he didn't feel like getting them wet.
His stomach gurgled and his eyes crossed. "Ohhhhh," he moaned. He had waited long enough. Acting quickly, Panos tore off his shoes and socks, then opened the door and ran for the bathroom.
Bish cocked his eyebrow, "He left us."
"About time," RaptorHiss said. "I had a joke I wanted to tell, but I was afraid if he'd laugh, he may splatter all over the inside of the car."
"Hehe, okay, tell me."
"Alright, there's this farmer okay?" RaptorHiss started with a grin. "And a tornado just came the other day, and wiped out all his livestock."
Bish nodded, "A tornado came, and wiped them all out."
"Yeah, and so, the next day, he calls up one of the other farmers and says, 'I'll give you a million dollars for all the animals on your farm.'"
Bish nodded again, "A million dollars for all the other farmer's animals."
"If you're going to repeat everything I say, the joke's going to be a lot slower."
"Yeah, but it might be funnier."
RaptorHiss rolled his eyes. "Okay, so the other farmer agrees, and says that he'll bring every animal over later that day. So, later, a big truck drives up, and then the other farmer opens the back and out come all these animals. A duck, a pig, a horse, a cow, a dog, a mouse. . . . And then the one farmer says, 'Hey, I'm giving you a million dollars here, pal, what's the big idea?' The other farmer looks confused and says 'What the hell are you talking about?' And so the one farmer says, 'Well, where's the goat?'"
Suddenly the car rocked up and down, as something heavy hit the roof of the car. Looking up through the sunroof, RaptorHiss and Bish saw Guilty Spark staring back at them.
In unison, all three said, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Guilty Spark grabbed his aching ribs, as his body rolled off the roof of the Explorer.
* * *
Host and AlanGrant5 exchanged glances.
"Did you see that?" Host said.
"What the guy who thought he was a frickin meteorite?" AlanGrant5 asked. "Or the dinosaur with big pointy teeth?"
"What dinosaur?"
The loud bellow shook the car they were in. All of a sudden, the electric wires of the fence beside them all snapped, causing the fence to topple over. Then, all was silent.
Host breathed heavily, looking outside the doors for any sight of the supposed dinosaur. Then, there was a loud thud beneath them, startling Host. It came again, and then again.
"What is that?" Host whispered.
"I know what that means," AlanGrant5 said.
"What?"
"Mommy's coming!" AlanGrant5 shouted.
"Umm."
Then, Host caught movement out of the corner of his eye, somewhere inside the cage. Then without warning, the big pink tyrannosaurus appeared at the side of the cage. Host looked at the gigantic beast in awe.
"Oh, damn, there was something about these guys that I was supposed to remember," AlanGrant5 said. "Oh yes, keep moving, it'll see you if you don't move."
"Are you sure?"
The pink dinosaur looked from the first car, to the second, then stepped out into the road between them.
"Of course I'm sure, have I ever been wrong?"
Host frowned, and decided to remain as still as he could possibly manage.
The pink tyrannosaurus stood still now, plotting its next move. AlanGrant5 took advantage of the moment, and pulled a case of flares out from beneath his seat. Smiling, he lit one of the flares, then jumped out of the car.
"Hey you big dolt!" he screamed at the rex. "I've got your food right here!" AlanGrant5 proceeded to do jumpingjacks with the flare in his hand, still confident that moving would make him invisible.
The rex roared and began lumbering towards AlanGrant5.
"Oh shit," he muttered. Looking for a place to hide, he opened the Explorer door and hopped back in.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Host screamed at him, as the rex neared the car.
"Hiding!"
"GET OUT! It's coming for you!" Host yelled frantically.
"NO! If I go down, I'm taking you with me!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!"
The rex roared, and set its long snout on the hood of the car, looking in through the windshield.
"AHHHHHHH!" Host and AlanGrant5 screamed like sissies. The rex returned the scream with a loud roar.
"It wants the flare!" AlanGrant5 shouted. Rolling down his window, he stuck his head out, then quickly tossed the flare at the rex. Of course, the burning flare struck the dinosaur's eye, only enraging it further.
AlanGrant5 shrugged, "Well, I gave it my all. Oh well."
Host hurriedly grabbed AlanGrant5 by the trousers, and then before the other man could react, pushed him out the window, and then rolled the window back up.
"Hey! HEY!" AlanGrant5 screamed as he got up from the mud and began beating his hands on the window.
The rex turned from the windshield and looked directly at AlanGrant5.
"Uh oh. . . Nice lizard. . . ."
"I am the savior!!!!" a voice shouted behind the rex.
Both AlanGrant5 and the dinosaur turned their attention to the shouting man. Standing drenched in the rain, Guilty Spark looked more like a nerdy little schoolboy that had just lost his lunch money, than any type of savior.
"Get in the car!" RaptorHiss and Bish screamed to Guilty Spark.
"Don't worry kiddies," Guilty Spark said. "I will save you from the lizard menace."
The rex lowered its head and let out a long roar directed at Guilty Spark.
Guilty Spark frowned and added, "I hope."
The rex wagged its big muscular tail back and forth and started to charge at Guilty Spark.
Surprisingly, the man stood his ground, simply awaiting the giant predator's attack like a trained ninja from the lands of Denmark . . . or an insane idiot with a death wish.
AlanGrant5 watched the rex run away, then turned back to the window he had recently been shoved out of and whispered, "Let me in!"
Host shook his head, still watching the dinosaur charge at Guilty Spark.
"I promise I'll never talk again!"
Host smiled and unlocked the door for AlanGrant5, who quickly jumped in and planted a big kiss on Host's cheek. . . . This, needless to say, caused Host to look away from the dinosaur, but only long enough to punch AlanGrant5 in the forehead.
The rex was so close now, Guilty Spark could practically feel its hot breath breaking through the cold air of the storm. The jaws parted, revealing an open maw of dagger teeth. When the rex was almost upon him, Guilty Spark ducked down low, and ran between the rex's legs. The rex roared in annoyance, and quickly turned in stride, and began chasing Guilty Spark.
Host looked out the windshield, and saw Guilty Spark running towards the Explorer, with the pink tyrannosaurus close behind.
"What—What the hell do you think he's doing?" Host asked.
Guilty Spark smiled and jumped up on the hood of the Explorer, then ran over the top of it, and hopped off the back.
AlanGrant5 and Host frowned at the peculiar act, then looked back out the windshield as the rex foot came crashing down on the front bumper. The car rocked and all windows shattered, then the second foot came racing down at the middle of the car.
"Oh shit," Host muttered, opening his door, and jumping out of the car just as the foot came down, crushing the vehicle like an aluminum can.
The rex immediately stopped his movement, and looked to the side, staring at Host in the mud.
"No, no, no, go chase him," Host pleaded, pointing at AlanGrant5 who was making a run for the kid's Explorer. "He's more meaty than me, I mean, look at me, I'm all skin and bones."
The rex growled and stretched its neck to the side, trying to pick Host up off the ground. Host screamed and jumped to his feet, and then began running towards the bathroom at the side of the road. The rex kept up with him, chasing him the entire time.
"Cease chasing me!" Host screamed. Looking over his shoulder, he saw AlanGrant5 taking the kids and running for shelter in the trees. "You like kids right? Come on, all lizards are baby killers! Go kill the kids!"
The rex roared and lowered its head.
Host was almost to the bathroom door now, he reached his hand out to grab it, when in the next moment he felt something hit him from behind and he was sent flying through the bathroom walls.
The entire bathroom fell over in shambles, the only things left standing were the sinks and one toilet, in which Panos was sitting at.
The rex snarled and lowered its head to look at Panos.
Panos, knowing a little bit about dinosaurs, knew not to move or speak when a tyrannosaurus was looking at you.
The rex lowered its head directly in front of Panos. It really couldn't see him at all. Though, it did smell something a little peculiar. . . But the smell was unpleasant, and so it raised its head and turned away.
Panos smiled and let out a collective fart.
The rex stopped walking away, and turned back to Panos. It saw him now. . . The fart cloud rising behind Panos gave away his position.
"No, go away, I'm not feeling good," Panos said. "You wouldn't eat a sick man would you?"
The rex shook his head, then smiled and swung its tail around, batting Panos from the toilet seat, and into the air. . . . He hovered for but a moment, until a bolt of lightning came down, and turned him to ash. . . An act of God.
The rex grunted in satisfaction, then walked away into the jungle, its entertainment fulfilled for now.
* * *
"So! So! Ya know, there I am; my pants down with my merchandise there for the whole world to see, and then my mom drives up behind me, and tells me to get in the car or she'll send me back to the pound! . . . . Ahhhhh, funny. . . .So, what was your most embarrassing moment, guys?"
Both Junkee and Vader stared at Dark Hunter in disbelief.
"You know, Dark, maybe you've had just a few too many drinks," Junkee said, looking at the dozen empty bottles of beer laying at Dark Hunter's feet.
"Me? Pfft! I'm just getting started!" Dark Hunter announced, opening yet another bottle.
Dr. Junkee and Vader looked at each other. Since Dark Hunter had led Junkee back to this rusty old abandoned truck, Vader had not spoken a word to him. Obviously, he was still mad about the whole leaving him for dead thing.
Junkee was about to break the silence between them, when he heard an unusual chirping noise.
"What is that?" Vader asked.
Dark Hunter listened to the chirping for a moment then growled, "Compies!"
Junkee looked at Vader, "What are compies?" Vader glared at him with evil eyes. Junkee smiled sarcastically and looked away.
Dark Hunter gathered a bunch of bottle caps from the floor then opened the top hatch of the old rusty truck. Outside the truck, dozens of compies had gathered around and were all chirping excitedly. When Dark Hunter saw the little dinosaurs he snarled, "Attention whores."
This got a big reply of angry chirps as the compies hopped up and down outside the truck.
"Buzz off little chicken lizard bird things!"
The compies warbled again, their little voices more urgent than ever.
"Fine you asked for it!" Dark Hunter began throwing all the bottle caps at the little compies, hitting them in their chests and knocking them over. "Haha! I am the shizzo!"
One of the compies (it would be correct to assume it was the leader) held up a little fist and chirped in broken English, "We will remember your kind, once we wipe it from the face of the earth!"
"Oh, bite me!"
The compy leader frowned, only wishing it could reach Dark Hunter so it could bite of his stupid nose from his stupid face. Then the compy leader chirped to the rest of its kind, and instantly they ran away from the side of the truck, disappearing into the foliage of the jungle.
Dark Hunter smiled, content that he had just hurt the stupid little lizard's feelings. He closed the lid of the rusty truck, and sat back down with Junkee and Vader.
"What was all that about?" Junkee asked.
"Stupid little chicken lizards," Dark Hunter sighed. "They plan to take over the world with a giant army. . . They think they are some sort of smarty-pants-little-lizards. . . They wanted me to join their army, but I refused and threw bottle caps at them."
Junkee shrugged, "Okay then."
Vader sat back in his little makeshift chair made of chicken wire and a beer keg, and said, "I read your books."
"Yeah?" Junkee sounded surprised. "What did you think?"
"Not your books," Vader said. "Dark Hunter's books."
"What books?" Junkee asked.
"What books?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Hidden and lightGREYdark. . ."
"Hmm?" Dark Hunter mumbled, he looked even more confused than Junkee.
"You wrote those books. I liked the first one more, your writing was actually intelligible back then."
"I never knew you wrote any books, Dark Hunter," Junkee said.
"Neither did I," Dark Hunter replied, scratching his head.
"Well, I read them," Vader said. "So, obviously you must have written them."
Dark Hunter frowned, "But I have the reading level of a four-year old, how could I possibly write a book?"
:::Twilight Zone music began to play:::
Junkee, Dark Hunter, and Vader all frowned, then started looking around for the origin of the creepy music.
"So, Vader, did you read Yvonne's book?"
"Yeah," Vader nodded.
Junkee waited for a further reply, but when he got none, he said, "And?"
"I don't know. I mean, it was kind of insane, everything was about medication, hating you, and Sam Neill. I think she was high when she wrote it."
"No, no, she's always like that."
"Oh," Vader smiled.
Hey! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Comments are appreciated!
-- Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
8/28/2003 2:34:12 PM
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