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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 16)
By JPJunkee
Dr. Junkee opened his eyes to a world of darkness. All was black. There were no walls, sky or ground. He remembered this place. He whispered softly to the gloom, "Limbo."
He heard his voice echoing throughout the darkness. Then, somewhere in front of him, a swirling cloud of blue appeared. Junkee squinted his eyes as the blue came closer and slowly took the form of a blue man. His face remained clouded however.
"Who are you?" Junkee asked.
"What? I get a body and suddenly you don't recognize me anymore? Doc, I'm hurt."
"You."
"Yes. . . me."
"Blue boy."
The God With No Name shook his blue head and sighed. "Must you judge me by the color of my font?"
Junkee rolled his eyes. "So, what am I doing here? Did I die again? Last time I died, I saw you."
"More or less. Come on Junkee, don't you get it yet?"
"Apparently not. But, I have a few questions that could help me understand."
"Speak."
"Okay first of all, how come I died from a simple tap on the back of the head? And secondly, why the hell do I always talk to you when I die and why don't you have a name?"
"You died because you're a wimp."
"Oh."
"You talk to me, and I have no name, for obvious reasons."
"Not obvious enough for me, Mr. Blue Bird."
The God With No Name crossed his arms over his chest, "Dammit, I hate it when I have to spell it out to you people. I am nameless, forever I will remain nameless. I am. . . a muse."
"I thought you were a God," Junkee said, confused.
"Everyone does. No, I'm a muse. Or a muserator, I suppose. Never really gave it much thought, hmm. But I am a God of this piece."
"You know what? Why don't you spare me the philosophical bullshit and get straight to the point, okay?"
"Fine! It's not every day someone of your importance dies, you know? I want to put on a show, have a few laughs at your blank faces and stuff. I'm so sorry that I took up your precious time, please do forgive me." He threw his blue arms up in the air. "I am The Writer. I wrote this. I imagined it. I control it. A plot hole shows up that the readers found, I act like I got it all under control, and I fix the damn thing. I write up the outline, I create the hype, I pay the critics, and I plan out the sequels. Which, by the way, you're going to enjoy. We've got this thing lined up, it'll show the readers something they have never seen before."
"What the hell are you rambling on about?"
"Sorry."
"I just want to know why I'm here. When I die, why do I come here? What makes me special?"
"Look at my face, doesn't it look familiar?"
"No."
"Of course not, you egotistical jackass. You know why? Because you're thinking too hard! Hey, check this out."
The blue man clapped his hands right in front of Junkee's face. Junkee blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he found himself staring back at a blue reflection of himself.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?" the blue Junkee smiled.
"It doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, but doesn't it? Come on now, Doc. Think about it. You can't die. Why? Because I wrote the story, and you are me. It's such an enlightening thought. I'm on your side, and thus, I revive you whenever one of the unruly characters decides to kick you out of the story."
"If you're me, and you want me to win. . . . Then why revive people for Bob and Dan, and then send them to kill me?"
"Split personality disorder, maybe? I don't know. Felt like the right thing to write at the time. Oh gosh, do you think something's wrong with me? Doc, can you give me something for the pain?!"
"Sarcasm directed to a dead guy, that's. . . something."
"Listen Junkee, I'm not going to lie to you. The readers hate you. They like Dark Hunter, AG5, Martin, Yvonne, and Drucifer ten times more than you. I'm tempted to write you out of the story. Maybe not even let you wake up."
"That's an enlightening thought. Hmm, you do act a lot like me," Junkee said.
"But, I will give you a chance. Prove your worth. Lead the others to safety. Can you do that?"
Junkee shrugged, "Do bears shit in the woods?"
"Just say yes or no."
"Okay. Yes."
"So be it."
All the blackness turned white, and suddenly Junkee found himself laying on his back in the lobby. He was staring upwards with wide eyes as Yvonne and Dark Hunter repeatedly splashed cold water on his face. He gasped from the frigid liquid on his skin then sat up.
"Are you okay?" Yvonne asked.
Dark Hunter said, "See any cuckoo birds floating around your head? Kill the cuckoo birds!!!"
Junkee shook his head, "Who hit me?"
Drucifer's eyes darted back and forth. He put his amber can behind him, then took a few steps backwards.
* * *
Guilty Spark stared at the bloody stump at the end of his arm. "You cut off my hand, chicken lips!"
"CRAW!" the penguin said, revving its chainsaw again.
Guilty Spark took a few steps backwards, preparing his next attack. Apparently trying to punch a chainsaw wielding penguin was not a good idea. So instead, he would try kicking!
"I am going to kick you!" he screamed, jumping at the bird.
The penguin grinned (yeah, they grin so shut up!) and swung his chainsaw to the side, chopping off Guilty Spark's left leg.
He screamed and fell backwards, holding his leg, "Ow! Now what'd you do that for?!" He snarled and picked up his severed limb and chucked it at the penguin's head. With a loud thud it hit the bird between the eyes, causing it to drop the chainsaw as it fell backwards.
"Hey! Bet that hurt!" Guilty Spark grinned and got to his . . . foot.
The penguin growled (yes, they growl too! keep reading!), grabbed its chainsaw again, and cut off Guilty Spark's last remaining foot.
"Oh shit," he said with a blank face as he fell on the ground. The penguin was standing up again. Spark glared up at it and said, "Okay, it seems we are of equal powers. I cannot beat you. And you cannot beat me."
"CRAW!" the penguin challenged him, and chopped off his last remaining hand.
Spark laughed. "See? You can't beat me! I'm invincible!"
The penguin frowned, then sat down, sulking with the bloody chainsaw set aside.
"Awww, is the poor birdie sad he can't kill me?"
The penguin nodded.
"Well you shouldn't be! I am. . . the SAVIOR!!!!!" He laughed and threw his stub-arms up in the air, in triumph.
Then he sighed, closed his eyes, and died from massive blood loss. . . . . Or did he?!
:::AUTHOR NOTE: Dun dun dunnnn!!!!!!!:::
The penguin was too freaked out by the guy to really give a damn and check for a pulse. Quickly it collected the chainsaw, then waddled (What? You don't question when he waddles, huh? Bah!) down the halls towards the lobby.
* * *
"Good to see you're awake, Junkee," Martin said. "We've got a little situation on our hands." Martin led the others to one of the windows overlooking the front yard of the Visitor's Center.
"Crapola," Yvonne gasped.
Littering the ground were lots and lots of things. About fifty Speilberg1213s, three brachiosaurs, a rex, and in front of them all, stood three men. Aragorn, Carnotaur3, and Amber.
"Holy schnikers!" Dark Hunter said in awe. "There's so many! Yes, it's like a Spielberg stalker's wet dream."
"You would know," Junkee said.
"Yes, we would know. Dipshit, he just insulted us. He did? Yes, dipshit. Stop calling us names!"
Drucifer shook his head. "I don't understand this. I built only one. How could there be so many?"
"I think it's completely obvious," Yvonne said.
"Oh? Care to share with the group?" Martin asked as he looked away from the window, and turned to Yvonne.
"The cyborgs . . . are breeding."
Long pause.
Junkee blinked. "That must have been some really advanced chip you put in those things."
"What does this mean? How do we get out of here?" Bish asked from behind them.
Everyone looked at Bish with an odd expression.
"Who's the kid?" Vader asked.
"He's my adopted son, Billy," AlanGrant5 informed him.
Martin shot AG5 a dirty look then turned his gaze to the boy. "Oh, Bish, I forgot you were there," Martin said. "You may go now."
"Go where?"
AlanGrant5 shrugged, "You're young, go get your lip pierced. And get a tattoo. . . with a. . . puppy!"
Bish smiled and started walking towards the innermost part of the Visitor's Center. Suddenly, there was a loud bang, and the roof of the Visitor's Center caved in. Bish screamed and the others watched helplessly as a shark flew through the roof, and then came down on Bish, swallowing him whole.
Drucifer cried out as his nephew's feet kicked back and forth in the clenched jaws of the big shark.
"Jesus H. Christ, I did not see that coming at all," Junkee said.
"How could you?" Yvonne asked. "I bet that's the first shark attack that ever happened. . . in a building."
"Oh no," Dark Hunter said, "this sort of thing happens all the time. Flying Japanese kamikaze sharks. They seek out the wicked and punish them!!!"
Drucifer brushed away a tear, "Bish wasn't a bad kid. He's always been so, so, so. . . preppy."
Martin shook his head, "It is as I feared. He was going to get his lip pierced and get a puppy tattoo. Which is a no-no. The poor child never saw the Japanese kamikaze shark coming until it was too late."
Vader looked back out the window at the army outside waiting for them. "There's no chance we can get through all of that. We need to get off this island now. . . before they figure out how to open doors."
The doorknobs started to wiggle. From the other side they heard Amber shout, "Anyone home? I've got pizza!"
"Damn me and my big mouth," Vader grumbled, placing a chair neatly underneath the doorknob.
Martin sighed, "And so it has come to this." He thought for a moment then said, "We need a helicopter, or a jet, or something. . . . We need to reboot the system and call for extraction. Who knows how to reboot the system?"
"What does reboot mean?" Dark Hunter asked. "It means start up again you gormless tosser. What? I will kill you for that you . . . stupid guy! You taunt like a pigeon's uncle!"
"Okay, you're not going anywhere near a computer, understand?" Martin said to Dark Hunter.
"I think I can reboot it," Drucifer said, leaving the dead shark's side. "I'll call for a helicopter, and some people to destroy this island."
"You're going to need help," Martin said. "Who knows when you might run into the penguin. You'll need all the help you can get. Junkee, you go with Drucifer to the Control Room. Dark Hunter, you fight the brachiosaurs. AlanGrant5, you kill the rex. Yvonne and Vader you two help me kill the robots and the zombie morons."
AlanGrant5 nodded, thinking about killing the rex. "History will become history all over again, it will be historic, and I will go down in history for destroying history."
Junkee frowned. "No, I don't want to go back to the Control Room. Host and the computers were all freaky. Which reminds me, what about Host?"
Martin walked over to Host's wheelchair, then snapped his fingers in front of his face, trying to wake him. "Host? Hossssst?" He frowned, touching his fingers to Host's neck to check for a pulse. He turned back to everyone else with a grim face, "Host's dead."
"No, I'm still among the living," Host said from behind him.
"Holy--" Martin spun quickly around to face Host, and in doing so accidentally knocked Host's head clear off his shoulders. "Oh balls."
"Thank you," Vader said.
AlanGrant5 knelt down next to Host's head. "Host? Host can you hear me?"
"AlanGrant5. . . I'm. . . I'm not going to make it," Host's head said. . . . holy shit that rhymed, hot diggity.
"No, you hold on there, Host. We can get help."
Dark Hunter smiled to himself in the background, whispering, "Pa, please don't kill ol' Yeller. He's a good doggie. Hey, shut up. AG5 is about to lose his long lost brother. He's losing it, man, he's losing it! They were related? I don't know. . . Sure! Helps add more character development. The dude's about to die. Point? He's about to die. Oh, I see."
"No, I see the end, it's in plurals and lots of really short words. It's scary," Host's head said to AG5. "Paradigm, it comes for me."
"What does that mean?"
"I. . . . I don't know. . . . But before I go, there's something I need to tell you."
"What is it?"
"AlanGrant5. . . I always hated you. I've always hated you the most."
"Yeah okay. Just hurry up and die you prick."
"Okay," Host said and closed his eyes. "Guh, blehhhh. . . ."
Drucifer waved his hand in front of his nose, "Peeyu, it's already starting to stink."
Martin stared at Host's decapitated body, then shrugged and turned to the others. "As I was saying. No Junkee, you're not allowed to die yet, so you can't come fight with us. Go play with the computers."
"But I--"
"No buts!" Martin pointed the Mop at Junkee.
Yvonne wasn't sure she liked this whole plan that Martin had concocted, and she felt the need to say so. "I think you're crazy, Martin. I want to go with Junkee and fix the computers, too."
Martin pointed the Mop at Yvonne. "No computers for you! Now hurry along Drucifer and Junkee, there isn't anytime to argue! Go now!"
"Alright, alright already," Junkee said.
"This way Doc," Drucifer said, leading Junkee from the lobby, and out of sight.
"Anybody see CSI last night?" AlanGrant5 asked when Junkee and Dru were gone. "People are going to be talking about that one for a long time, I tell you, a long time indeed. I know I'm going to be talking about it for a long time, I'm sure others will too. Anyone see it?"
Martin frowned, "Dark Hunter, poison AlanGrant5's next meal."
"Our pleasure. Oh, we'll do it, too!"
AlanGrant5 swallowed hard, taking two slow steps away from Dark Hunter.
Vader looked around slowly at Martin, Yvonne, Dark Hunter, and AlanGrant5. He frowned then said, "What about weapons?"
Martin held up the Mop. "We have Moppy."
"No, you have Moppy. We have nothing."
Martin nodded, "This is a war. And we are soldiers. What if the prophecy is true? What if tonight, the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth. . . dying for?"
Vader again looked at everyone else, then turned back to Martin. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"This will not be a fruity fight. Ergo, aja verca vesivepi."
"What?"
Martin rolled his eyes, "We're all going to die. Jeez, must I point out every little detail?"
Yvonne frowned, "Yeahhhhh, I'm not going."
"Sissie," AlanGrant5 said.
Yvonne glared at AG5, and slowly stepped towards him.
Dark Hunter could see this was going to lead to a fight, so he stepped in. "Shut the hell up peeps. Stop fighting and start to bow down before me! Let's go kill some bad things! Woo! This all reminds me of the time I went out on a blind date. Her name was Sarah, she was a tramp. Hush! She was a calligraphy enthusiast with blue eyes and hair the color of strained peaches. And she was a tramp. Hush! Anyway, I was scared to go meet her, because I was afraid she'd be a tramp. She was a tramp. Yes, but I didn't know that, so I faced my fears, and in the end it all worked out for the best. She slapped you then took The Man home. Hush!"
"That's the spirit, Dark Hunter!" Martin exclaimed with a smile. ". . . I think."
"I personally have nothing to fear," AlanGrant5 said. "I'm immune to death."
"What? How?" Yvonne asked.
"I haven't died yet, have I? Hmmmmm?"
"Your pizza's getting cold!," Amber shouted from outside.
"Quite right. Come everybody! Follow me and die pointlessly!" Martin shouted. He threw away the chair from the doorknob, then swiftly opened it.
* * *
Dr. Junkee and Drucifer stepped into the Control Room. Drucifer instantly ran to the closest computer, and sat himself down in front of it.
"Do this fast now," Junkee said.
"Okay," Drucifer nodded and pressed the enter key. "All done."
"What? Just like that?"
"Yes, just like that."
"No women in bikinis on zebra print rugs? No Unix system stuff, or anything like that?"
"What?"
"Nothing. . . it was in some movie I saw once," Junkee said before he picked up the phone from the computer desk, and dialed the number of someone he knew could help them. After about three rings, someone picked up.
"Hello," said the voice on the other line.
"General Rancor, I need your help."
* * *
Yvonne, Martin, Dark Hunter, Vader, and AlanGrant5 were all on their knees with their hands bound by ropes behind their backs. All around them stood dozens upon dozens of Spielberg1213 robots.
"That went well," Yvonne said.
"We did better than I expected, really," Martin admitted. "At least we killed one of the robots, so it's not a total loss."
"Why aren't they killing us?" Vader asked, looking up at the eerie faces of the Spielberg cyborgs.
"I think it's because I have frizzy hair," AlanGrant5 said. "Frizzy hair = static electricity. Static electricity + robots = big boom! They do not kill us now, because they think I am a bomb. Tick, tick, tick, tick."
"That was quite possibly the dumbest thing we've ever heard," Dark Hunter said. "We salute you!"
"They're not killing you, because I told them not to," Aragorn said slyly as he pushed his way through the crowd of robots. At his sides were Amber and Carnotaur3. "So, how do you guys think you're going to escape from this one?"
"Dr. Junkee will come for us," Martin said.
"No he won't, and you know it," Yvonne said.
Martin elbowed Yvonne in the stomach.
Yvonne nodded, "I mean, yeah, he's coming to kill you all. Yep. In fact, I bet he's on his way out here right now."
* * *
"Hello psychic hotline? I need some guidance," Junkee said into the phone.
"Ohhhhhh, I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. . . . . All your friends are going to dieeeeeee. That will be fifteen dollars, we'll charge it to your credit card. Good bye." There was a click as the phone hung up.
"That was naughty," Junkee frowned, hanging up the phone. He turned to Drucifer, "Ready to go yet?"
"Yes, let's go," Drucifer said, starting for the door of the Control Room.
"Vait for me," an odd tiny voice called from behind.
Junkee turned around slowly to see a short little midget standing behind him, with his hands in his pockets. "Dru, who's this?"
Drucifer sighed, "I was almost beginning to like you. But to believe that a complete jackass like you is the main character of this story, is absurd! This, Dr. Junkee, is Morgoth. He showed up for the casting call of your character, but got passed up because of his height. Now he's pissed as a wet dog in a place where you're not allowed to shake your dog!"
Junkee looked at Morgoth the midget. Then looked back at Drucifer, but said nothing. He quickly turned his attention back to Morgoth as the little man started towards him from the other side of the room.
"I used to think you were one of a kind, Dr. Junkee," Drucifer said.
Junkee reached into his pocket and pulled a hypodermic needle out as the short man approached him.
"I was wrong," Drucifer said, stepping through the door, and locking it behind him.
Junkee stared as Morgoth pulled his hands out of his pockets. On his hands were gloves, and at the end of each finger was a hypodermic needle.
"Dis town's not big enough vor da two vuv vus," Morgoth said.
"What did you say?"
"I said 'two vuv vus'."
"Them fighting words, hombre! But, I beg to differ, as you are quite short, and really won't take up that much space in town."
Morgoth suddenly screamed, running at Junkee with the needle above his head.
"Oh hell."
The needle gloves stabbed at Junkee's face, but he easily swiped them away with his own hypodermic needle. Morgoth followed through with two quick slashes at Junkee's stomach, but he jumped backwards at the last possible moment, barely dodging the attack.
Morgoth stepped backwards to taunt Junkee, "Vi veda da viva loca."
"Huh? Wait a second, I remember somebody that talked just like you. . . . "
Dr. Junkee sat in the crowd of an auditorium. He stared straight forward as the man at the podium continued to jabber on about psychiatry help through virtual reality. Junkee yawned, and then smiled as thankfully the man was ushered away from the podium, and a second psychiatrist took his place.
"Ve vand on ve vedge vuv a vife," the new psychiatrist said.
"Huh? Wait a second. . . I recognize that voice!" Junkee shouted.
Dr. Junkee sat in a blue bus with blue seats and a blue floor. The man next to him was dressed in blue and had a strikingly blue colored hair.
"Vue vis God's vavorite volor," the man said.
"Huh?"
"Blue is God's favorite color."
"Ohhhhhhhh, I see. . . . . GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Junkee blinked, "I don't know what the hell the purpose of those flashbacks was supposed to be."
"Rar!" Morgoth roared, jumping forward again.
Junkee screamed, closing his eyes. Then he put up his single needle in front of him, simply hoping for the best.
The chainsaw went arcing through the air. With a loud buzz it cut through flesh and needle. . . . . And then it was quiet!
Junkee opened his eyes to see Morgoth sliced in half on the ground. He heard something from beside him and quickly turned to see the penguin standing there with glowing red eyes and an equally red chainsaw.
"Well this seems like a shitty way to end it," Junkee said.
"CRAW!" the penguin held the chainsaw above its head.
SPLAT!
The hypodermic needle glove stabbed through the chest of the penguin. With a little grunt the penguin's eyes closed, then it fell onto its stomach, dead.
Junkee stared down at the dead penguin that. . . . he had believed was immortal, but apparently the rules had been changed, or something. Then he looked upwards at the bloody face of his savior.
"I AM THE SAVIOR!" Guilty Spark shouted, holding one of Mortgoth's gloves up in the air. The poor guy had put table legs where his own severed legs had once been, and then spatulas for hands and arms. He smiled at Junkee, then collapsed onto his side. "Guhhh."
Junkee remained silent as a white haze surrounded Guilty Spark's body, then he slowly floated up with an eerie "Wheeeeeeee!"
"God, I promise, I will never leave my house again," Junkee said as he stepped over all the dead bodies. He used his needle to pick the lock, and then exited the Control Room.
:::AUTHOR NOTE: Okay, now Guilty Spark's dead.:::
* * *
Aragorn looked at his watch. "I thought you said he was coming out here any moment now?"
Yvonne glared at him, "I hope you fall off a bridge and land on a big boat carrying explosives and Kristen Scott Thomas."
All of a sudden, a loud roar of a motor filled the area. Everyone looked to the skies as a small black shape started towards them.
"LOOK! DE PLANE! DE PLANE!" Dark Hunter yelled. "It's a helicopter, you idiot. Hush!"
As the helicopter got closer, General Rancor stuck his head out the side and shouted with a blow horn, "Okay, who is not a zombie, a robot, or a dinosaur? Speak now!"
"OOOOO! Pick me! PICK ME!" AlanGrant5 shouted.
Martin said, "All the people on their knees are normal humans. Why do you ask, fair stranger?"
"Just curious," General Rancor said before disappearing into the chopper again.
Vader looked at Yvonne. "Did that make much sense to you?"
"No not really--"
Loud bangs echoed across the jungle floor as bullets and missiles rocketed out of the helicopter.
Aragorn, Amber, and Carnotaur3 looked up, and said in unison, "Uh oh." Then a rocket hit the ground by their feet, blowing them into dog chow.
The Spielberg1213s tried to scatter and run, but the rapid fire bullets found them, sending sparks and shrapnel everywhere. The rex and three brachiosaurs stood their ground, roaring at the chopper. The chopper in turn shot four roaring missiles, destroying all the dinosaurs.
One of the missiles hit a brachiosaurus in the stomach. In the splatter of blood and pink skin, a man fell from the belly, and landed directly before Yvonne and the others.
He smiled slightly and said, "WOOHOO! I'M A STARFISH!"
"Jmock5?" Vader asked in disbelief.
Jmock5 nodded again, then started to get to his feet.
Suddenly the helicopter came down, landing on Jmock5 with a smash.
General Rancor stepped off the chopper, waving to the humans, "Oh la wenga."
This episode took me a very, very long time to write. It was quite difficult, for some reason. In the end it's probably a very weird episode. But hopefully my perseverance paid off and it was enjoyable! I hope you liked it, anyway. Please leave a comment telling me what you thought. Thanks for reading. :)
-- Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
11/10/2003 12:26:55 AM
(Updated: 11/10/2003 12:28:00 AM)
(Updated: 11/10/2003 12:29:07 AM)
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