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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 15)
By JPJunkee
Dan took a deep breath, "Okay, listen blue dude; revive an actual warrior for us. We're tired of all these people 'warrior's dying so quickly."
"Yeah. Actually, don't revive one warrior. Give us a whole army of dead people," Bob said.
"I don't have to do anything!" the God With No Name said.
"Oh, but you're wrong," Dan said.
Bob laughed fiendishly.
"What is going on here?!"
"Give us an army, or else."
"Or else what?"
"Bob, show him."
0===|;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;>
"You wouldn't!" the God With No Name exclaimed.
"It's a font sword!" Bob shouted.
"It almost looks kind of like a---"
"It's a sword, just. . . believe me, it's supposed to be a sword."
The God With No Name stared at the font sword for a moment, then sighed. "Fine. You will have an army."
* * *
Drucifer and his nephew Bish sat on the cold floor of the kitchen. Bish took a deep breath, and peered around the corner of the kitchen table he was leaning against. He looked at the door, as the small Gorblat creature squeezed its way underneath the door, and into the kitchen.
Bish gasped and turned back to his uncle, "It's inside."
Drucifer nodded. Then he motioned for Bish to follow him as he crawled across the floor.
"Weedle? Weeeeedleeee?" the Gorblat hummed to itself as it hopped around, searching for the humans.
Drucifer and Bish crawled past the kitchen sink. Suddenly, a thought dawned on Bish. He smiled and quietly opened the cabinet doors underneath the sink.
"What are you doing?" Drucifer whispered.
Grinning from ear to ear, Bish held up a can of Raid bug spray.
"Good thinking," Drucifer whispered.
Bish smiled again.
"Weedle?"
Bish frowned, looking down at his legs, where the Gorblat had crawled onto him.
"Don't move," Drucifer warned. "Their vision's based on movement."
The Gorblat crawled from Bish's leg, to his stomach, and then his chest.
"Oh balls, just spray the damn thing!"
Bish took the cap off the can of Raid, then started spraying the Gorblat on his chest. Through the spray, the little creature continued to make its way towards Bish's face.
"It's not working!" Bish screamed.
Panicking, Drucifer opened the cabinet doors beneath the sink again. Rummaging through, he found a pair of pliers. Turning quickly to Bish, he used the pliers to pluck the Gorblat off his chest.
"There we go," Drucifer said. "All better now."
"What do you think we should do with it?" Bish asked, out of breath.
Drucifer looked down at the little Gorblat as it kicked its legs, trying to get out of the pliers' hold. Then he looked around the kitchen for something to put the Gorblat in. Garbage disposal? No. Slushy maker? Nah. Dish washer? Uh uh. Microwave? Nope. Freezer? BRILLIANT!
"Bish, open the freezer door."
Bish ran over, took the pin out of the big freezer door, and opened it wide. Misty cold air spilled out of the freezer and into the kitchen.
Drucifer walked to the freezer, then promptly threw the pliers and the Gorblat into the cold, and shut the door.
"There, he won't be bothering us anymore," Drucifer said. The two smiled at each other, then made their way to the kitchen's exit.
DONG!
Drucifer and Bish stopped moving.
DONG! . . . .DONG! DONG! DONG! DONG!
The two turned around, staring at the door of the freezer as little dents started showing through everywhere.
"It's alive! It's alive!" Drucifer screamed.
Bish took his uncle by the hand, running for the kitchen door. The two ran directly into Martin and Yvonne.
"There's a bug thing in the kitchen," Bish said frantically.
"Yvonne, take Drucifer and Bish to the lobby. Wait for me there," Martin said. "I've got a bug to kill."
Yvonne nodded, then quickly led them out of the cafeteria.
* * *
Dr. Junkee and the others slowly walked down the dim halls of the Visitor Center. Junkee paused for a moment next to a big wide silver door.
"The Control Room," he said.
AlanGrant5's face lit up. "Control Room, we need to go in there!"
"Why?"
"There's computers in there!"
"Why do we need computers?" Vader asked.
"So we can play games—I mean. . . .people use computers, and you need to find people," AlanGrant5 said, trying to sound smart. "It's elementary, guys."
Junkee shrugged his shoulders, then opened the door, and led the others into the Control Room. It was dark here. The room was illuminated simply by the green numbers and letters that moved up and down the computer screens.
"Anybody home?" Dark Hunter asked. "Because we've come to kill you!"
Junkee held up a warning finger. "No killing." Then he looked to Dark Hunter, "That goes double for you."
Dark Hunter glared back at him, then whispered to himself, "When he is sleeping, we must drown him in a toilet. Yesssssssss, for once we agree. And they said it would never happen, haha! Ahh, I love you man. I hate you. Oh. . . . Hey, look, a Venus flytrap. Let's go check it out!" Dark Hunter grinned and walked off to the other side of the room, where the small plant sat on a counter beside a computer.
Junkee shook his head and walked deeper into the dark room. He stopped when he heard the deep breathing coming from somewhere to his left. There, he saw a chair with a man in it, looking away from him. He looked back at Vader and AlanGrant5, both of which looked slightly frightened by the newly discovered person. Junkee took a deep breath, reaching into his pocket to retrieve one of his hypodermic needles.
AlanGrant5 stepped backwards, hiding behind a computer desk as Junkee and Vader advanced towards the silent man in the chair.
Junkee quickly gripped the man's shoulder and spun his chair around. There was a squeaking of wheels as the chair turned to face him. Junkee shouted, preparing to stab the needle into the man's face. . . but the man did not say or do anything. He was sleeping. . . in a wheelchair.
"Holy crap, it's Professor X," Vader said, then he looked at Junkee and added, "You were about to stab out the eyes of a sleeping handicapped man."
Junkee frowned and put the needle back in his pocket. He turned around to ask AlanGrant5 if he knew this man or not, but AG5 wasn't there. "Where did the moron go?"
"We don't know," Dark Hunter said with a grin as he approached Junkee with the Venus flytrap in his hands. "But look what we found."
"What is that?" Vader asked.
"It's a Venus flytrap. We will train it to swallow your brains. We named it Riddler. Watch this, halfwits." Dark Hunter looked at the plant in his hands. The mouth of the plant twitched nervously. "Riddle me this. . . plant; Am I a God?" The plant's mouth twitched again. Dark Hunter glared at the small plant, "I just asked you a question, you better answer it. Or we'll throw you in the wood chipper!" Still, the plant did not answer. Dark Hunter sighed and stabbed his finger at the plant. "You will answer me! I am your master--"
The Venus flytrap reached out and bit onto Dark Hunter's finger.
Dark Hunter stared at the little plant as it gnawed away at his finger. Then, after about a minute, the plant let go. Dark Hunter looked at his finger, his face going pale as he saw the droplet of blood dripping from his fingertip.
"OH GOD! I SEE THE TUNNEL! STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT! AHHHHHHH!" Dark Hunter screamed and threw the plant across the room, where it hit a computer monitor, resulting in a giant explosion.
"AHHHH!" the man in the wheelchair screamed as he woke up from his slumber.
The sudden explosion and screams startled Junkee, causing him to trip over his own feet and fall onto the ground.
The man in the wheelchair was breathing heavily. "What's going on here?"
Dark Hunter had since composed himself. He put on a calm smile and approached the man. "We are from the future. Our name is Captain Bee-Bop. We have become death, destroyer of worlds."
The man looked at Junkee and Vader. "Obliterator of terrestrial spheres? Conscripts out of the infinity epoch of tomorrow? This fails to shape any denotation."
Junkee shook his head, "Wait, wait, wait . . . What?"
"I said that your friend didn't make any sense."
"Neither do you, lad."
"He is Professor X," Vader said. He swallowed hard, "I need you to read my mind, again."
AlanGrant5 came out of his hiding place and looked over Vader's shoulder at the man. "Oh my God, it's you," he said.
Junkee got back to his feet. He looked back at AG5 and asked, "You know this man?"
"Yes. . . I mean. . . no."
The man in the wheelchair looked at AG5 and whispered, "Of all the simpletons in the biosphere how come you have to persevere?"
"Who are you?" Junkee asked.
"I am known as The Host."
Just then, all the computer monitors in the room flashed, and Junkee's face appeared.
Vader looked around at all the monitors and sighed, "As if one of you wasn't enough already."
"It's like a house of mirrors," Dark Hunter said. "Only some sick bastard thought it'd be funny to give me the reflection of your ugly face."
All the Junkee faces on the computers smiled and said, "Hello Junkee."
"Whoa, that's not normal," Dark Hunter said, pointing at the computers. "That computer's possessed! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Exorcism? Yes!" Dark Hunter smiled and kicked his foot through one of the computer monitors, then he giggled, "That was fun."
"What is going on here?" Junkee asked Host. "Who are you?"
"Like I said, I am The Host. I've been waiting at this juncture for you, Dr. Junkee. You have many inquiries, and I infer you want to solicit them so I can bequeath you with resolutions."'
"You're acting all weird, Host," AlanGrant5 commented. "What's up? Pissed you lost the use of your legs?"
"Hey Doc, ask him what's behind door number three," Dark Hunter said. "An opportunity like this doesn't come everyday! Yeah, so don't be a dip and pass it up."
"Who brought me here?" Junkee asked.
Dark Hunter slapped his forehead.
"Drucifer. . . Jango Raptor, in point of fact," Host said. "It was a faux pas, you were never supposed to even be at this point. Such is vivacity."
"You're kind of freaky," Vader said.
"How do I get off this island?" Junkee asked. "And keep in mind, if you don't tell me, I will have this guy kill you." He pointed at Vader, who grinned.
"Wholly precise. Interesting, you encompass supplementary vehement than the others," Host nodded. "You have to make a choice. Everything you do at this point, will lead to something else. Every action leads to a reaction. Every question leads to yet another."
Junkee nodded and waited for Host to continue. . . . . When he didn't, Junkee said, "You didn't really answer my question."
Host smiled, "Took you long enough. . . .Okay, which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors." Host pointed to his left and right. "Through the left door you will discover a helicopter, and you can go home now, then have beer and pizza. Through the right door, you will go to the lobby, where others will be who need your aid. If you succeed, you can get off this island with their help. But, already, we all know which door you will choose. The chopper, correct? Resuscitate your own ass, true?"
Junkee shrugged, "You would be right, yes . . . I think. Depends what resuscitate means. But none of us really know how to fly a chopper."
"Oh. . . well. . . . . . hmm. That kind of puts the kibosh on the whole deal, hmm?"
"Yep. So, I guess we go help some people then," Junkee said and started towards the right door.
All the computer monitors looked at Junkee and said, "Hey! Where do you think you're going? You want some? Huh? You want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Megabyte me!"
Junkee gave the computers the finger. All the computers gasped, then the faces disappeared.
Vader rubbed his knuckles and said to Host, "You better hope we don't meet again."
"We won't," Host said.
"We're taking the rambler with us," Junkee said.
"What?! Why?!" AlanGrant5 screamed.
"Yeah, he's already giving me a headache," Dark Hunter said. "And you used up all the pain pills! Gah! We don't want to die! Our brain is beginning to hemorrhage!"
"Fine," Vader said. "How about I kill the human Energizer Bunny now and then put you out of your misery next?"
"We'd like to see you try," Dark Hunter hissed. "Yeah, come on dweeb. Stop yapping, and just bring it!"
"STOP IT!" AlanGrant5 screamed. "Stop it! Just everyone stop it! . . . Can't you see you're tearing us apart?!"
"No one is killing anyone. . . yet," Junkee said dryly. "We need someone to push Wheels here around. AlanGrant5, think you're up to the task?"
AlanGrant5 nodded slowly and approached Host. He wasn't all to sure about Host now. Before he had just talked odd. But now he acted like one of his teachers from school, or something.
Junkee opened the door, and walked into the lobby. His heart leapt into his chest when he saw the others waiting for him.
* * *
Carnotaur3 smiled and continued to sing, "Cuz I'm a hot, hot woman!!!! Whoa! Yeah, I'm a hot, hot woman!!! Oh Lord! Yeah!"
"That's a peculiar song for someone like you to be singing," Amber said behind him.
"I swear, every time I get a moment to myself and try to sing my favorite song, someone has to come and ridicule me." Carnotaur3 cursed under his breath and turned around, "Where did you come from?
Amber pointed up at the gold pixie dust as it began to disperse. "From above."
Carnotaur3 looked up, and together they both said, "Oooooooooooooooo."
After that moment of awe had passed, Amber asked, "So, how many times have you. . . you know?"
Carnotaur3 frowned. "No I don't know. What?"
"You know." Amber held his hand over his heart.
"What? Fallen in love?"
Amber rolled his eyes, "No." He put his hand over his throat.
"Choked on something?"
"Getting warmer!" Amber made his hand into a gun, and put his index finger against the side of his head.
"Died?"
"YES!"
"I've lost count," Carnotaur3 shrugged.
"What? How do you lose count of how many times you die? That doesn't seem possible."
"Yeah, well, dying and coming back to life more than twice doesn't seem possible, either."
"Ah ha! You've died more than I have! . . . Loser!" Amber made an L with his thumb and index finger, waving it around. "Loooooser!"
"Are you making fun of how many times I've died? That's really low, man."
Amber frowned, ashamed of himself. "Sorry."
There was a rumbling sound, the two looked up as gold dust appeared again in the sky.
"AHHHH!" Aragorn screamed as he fell from the golden portal. "Someone catch me!"
Carnotaur3 and Amber looked at each other, then took two steps backwards as Aragorn crashed into the ground. Aragorn groaned, and slowly got to his feet.
"Took you long enough," Amber said.
"Where--Where am I?" Aragorn asked. "Is this Heaven?" He looked at Amber, "Are you Santa?" He looked at Carnotaur3, "And you must be one of the elves, awwwwwwww, how cute."
Carnotaur3 frowned, "You've been revived to lead us against the evil ones. You are our King, right?"
"Oh. . . yes, of course. I am Aragorn, the King of all men."
"Good," Amber nodded. "Let's go meet with the others then."
Aragorn nodded and followed the other two deep into the jungle.
* * *
Martin examined the broken freezer door for a moment, then slowly walked past the stove, his Mop held high. "I know you're in here. Show yourself!" He then hummed a magical tune and two earplugs appeared in air, and went into his ears. He smiled, walking deeper into the kitchen.
Suddenly, the small Gorblat appeared beside the kitchen sink.
"WEEDLE! WEEEEEEEDLE!" it sang.
"Ah ha! I can't hear you!" Martin exclaimed. "Lalala, I hear nothing."
The Gorblat glared at him, then sang louder, "WEEDLE! WEEEEEEEEEEEEDLE!"
Martin smiled and smacked the Mop onto the Gorblat, splattering orange goo everywhere. "Well, that was easy," he said, and started for the door.
"Elick ala loobie!" a voice screamed.
One of the windows of the kitchen exploded, sending glass everywhere. Then a man jumped through the hole in the wall.
"Gahhhhh!" Martin screamed.
The man smiled and held up his axe made of cheese.
"It's you! Yvonne's sister! . . . Dino_Dude!" Martin shouted.
Dino_Dude nodded, then said, "Hey, what's that on your face?"
"Huh?"
Dino_Dude screamed and threw his axe at Martin's head.
Martin ducked, and the axe flew over him, hitting the wall behind him. Martin shook his head, "Oh. . . it's on now!"
Dino_Dude grabbed a skillet from one of the stoves, then charged at Martin. He swung the skillet low, but Martin blocked it with his Mop. He tried up high, but again was blocked. With one swift movement, Martin swung his Mop very hard, hitting Dino_Dude's legs, and spilling him onto the ground.
"Now crazy little heathen, I will give you peace in a new life that you could not have in this one," Martin said in a booming voice. He pointed his mop at the fallen Dino_Dude, then shot a blue laser out of the end, causing Dino_Dude to glow bright white. There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly, Dino_Dude wasn't there anymore.
But in his place was a little squirrel.
"Cute little bugger," Martin said softly, then turned and started for the kitchen door.
"Chirp! Chirpee!" Dino_Dude the squirrel screamed, charging at Martin. It slipped under his cloak, then started crawling up his leg.
"Ahhh-ah-ahhhhh!" Martin screamed, hitting his body in various places trying to stop the squirrel as it climbed higher and higher.
The squirrel went over his stomach and Martin giggled, "Stop, that tickles."
And just like that, the squirrel stopped.
"Hmm, odd, that usually never works."
"Chirp, chirpee."
Martin's blood ran cold, as his head slowly turned to the left to see the squirrel perched upon his shoulder. "Ohh, ohhohhh, nice little squirrel. Want a nut?"
"RAR!" Dino_Dude the squirrel roared as it leapt onto the side of Martin's face, biting into the top of his ear.
Martin screamed and dropped his Mop, running all about the kitchen as he frantically tried to remove the squirrel from his ear. "Dear God, it's like Rocky on steroids!" The squirrel released his ear, then crawled around to the front of his face, and bit into his lower lip. "AHHHHH!" Martin grabbed the squirrel's tail and said, "Tiing ta diee." (keep in mind one lip was in the squirrel's mouth! So, Martin doesn't speak like a retard, he's just not very good with animals, that's all)
With one quick tug of the tail, Martin pulled the squirrel off his face. He held the furry little animal and growled at it, "You know people in Alabama eat squirrel's for dinner. Yeah. Squirrel stew. Squirrel pizza. Squirrel burgers. They even put squirrel's on their wedding cakes!"
By now Dino_Dude the squirrel was shaking in fear.
"Yessss. But don't worry, I'm not going to eat you. I'm from Cambridge, England!"
Dino_Dude sighed with relief.
"But I am going to cook you."
"CHIRP!"
Martin chucked Dino_Dude by the tail, into an open stove. But before Martin could ever close the stove door, the squirrel jumped out, and crawled on top of the counter, glaring at him.
"So you want to play tough, eh? Well let me ask you one question. . . . Do you feel. . . lucky? Punk! Well? Do ya?"
"Chiiiiirpeeeeee," Dino_Dude said in his most menacing squirrel tone.
Martin saw his Mop on the floor at his feet. He stepped on one end, and the other side came jumping up into his hand. He looked back at Dino_Dude and said, "Let's do this."
The squirrel roared as loud as it could then launched itself into the air, soaring at Martin.
Martin waited for the squirrel to get close enough, then he swung the Mop horizontally, connecting with the squirrel and sending it flying back out the window.
"And it's out of the park!" Martin shouted. "Home run! And the crowd goes wild!"
He smiled to himself, then walked towards the door.
Suddenly, he was tripped from behind, and fell down onto his face. "Oof!" Slowly, he turned his head around to look behind him. And to his horror, saw the squirrel biting onto the end of his cloak. "Oh you little bastard."
The squirrel smiled a devilish smile.
"Oh no, no, no, no!"
The squirrel laughed then started dragging Martin across the kitchen floor, towards the open stove. Martin began to sweat when he noticed the red light on the stove, indicating it was already on.
"Ahhh! Release me, foul thing!"
The squirrel laughed again, and continued to drag him to his death.
"Okay! You're angry, I can tell. How about we make a deal? You don't make me into a TV dinner, and I'll give you free nuts for life!"
The squirrel continued to drag him closer to the stove.
Martin clawed his hands at the kitchen floor, but it was no use. "Okay, you're very mad, and for understandable reasons! But come on, you're a reasonable little fur ball, we can work this out right?"
Suddenly, the squirrel stopped dragging him. Martin turned and looked again. The squirrel was nowhere to be found. Then he heard a sound somewhere to his right, and quickly spun on the ground to see Dino_Dude the squirrel standing inches away from his head.
The squirrel gave him a peace sign with two of its fingers.
"That's it, nice squirrel," Martin said in a calm voice.
The squirrel smiled and turned the peace sign around and flipped Martin the bird.
"That's. . . not very nice."
Dino_Dude laughed and punched Martin in the eye. Martin groaned in pain, then rolled over on his back, rubbing his eye. The squirrel hopped onto his chest, then crawled to his face, and started to pummel him with his little fists. Martin was powerless against the enraged squirrel, and it was all he could do to hold his hands over his eyes and wait for the end while he screamed, "Mercy! Mercy!"
"I AM THE SAVIOR!"
Martin took his hands off his eyes just in time to see Guilty Spark appear above him with the Mop in his hands. Before the squirrel could even react, Guilty Spark smacked it with the Mop, and sent it flying into the open stove. Guilty Spark jumped over Martin, then kicked the stove door closed.
From within the hot stove, Dino_Dude the squirrel screamed, "MELTING! CHIRP! I'M MELTING!"
Dazed from his brutal beating, Martin gradually got to his feet. "Thank you," he said.
Guilty Spark nodded, "No problemo. I am the savior."
Martin smiled, "Yes, yes you are. . . . But you also just killed Yvonne's little brother."
"Oh."
"Yes, so she will be royally pissed with you."
"Oh."
"But come, we must meet with the others," Martin said, then he took the Mop from Spark, and led him to the kitchen door. Together they walked out into the halls of the Visitor Center, making their way to the Lobby.
When they made a left turn in the halls, they found something waiting for them at the opposite end of the corridor.
The chainsaw roared to life, and the Penguin's eyes flashed a bright red.
Martin shook his head, "It's like the Discovery Channel gone mad, I swear."
Guilty Spark turned to Martin, "Go, help the others to safety. I will deal with the fat bird."
Martin slowly shook his head, never taking his eyes off the Penguin, "You can't possibly defeat it on your own."
"No, I can't. But, I can possibly give you and the others enough time to get out of here."
Martin nodded, "Thank you. And good luck." He patted his shoulder, then took a few steps away.
Guilty Spark smiled, then took a melting ice cube from his pocket. "Hey birdie, want some of this?!"
"CRAW!"
Martin took a deep breath, then turned and ran down to the other side of the hall, taking the long way around to the Lobby. When he finally reached the Lobby door, he froze when he heard Guilty Spark's terrible screams of pain. Martin frowned, then opened the Lobby door.
Again he froze, when he saw Yvonne, Drucifer, AlanGrant5, Host, and Bish standing with other people he had not ever expected to see again in his life. Dr. Junkee, Dark Hunter, and Vader smiled at Martin as he entered the room.
Junkee smiled, "Everyone's back together again! How exciting!"
Drucifer growled and smacked the side of Junkee's head with his amber cane.
"Guh," Junkee said, before collapsing and falling onto the ground.
"Woo for Dru!" Yvonne shouted.
"Why'd you do that?" Martin demanded.
Vader put on his pair of brass knuckles.
Drucifer looked from Vader then to Martin, "I. . . don't know, seemed like the right thing to do, I guess."
"Dark Hunter, go find some water," Martin said. "We need to get out of here now, and we need him awake to do so."
"Why don't we just leave him?" Drucifer asked, shrugging his shoulders.
"Junkee is more important than even he understands. If he does not survive, neither do we."
Yvonne frowned then looked at Dark Hunter, "Come on Dark Hunter, let's go find some water."
Dark Hunter smiled, "Okay, let's go this way. Just couldn't wait to be alone with me, eh? Don't mind him, Yvonne. Hehehe."
Martin looked at Vader, AlanGrant5 and Drucifer, "Oh, and if either of you find the chance. . . try and find something to brace against this door behind me. We may be having some visitor's from the North Pole very soon."
AlanGrant5 smiled, "Santa?!"
"No, a murderous penguin bent on destroying mankind."
"Oh no!"
"What do I do?" Host asked.
"I thought I told you to shut up!" Martin smacked Host in the head with the Mop, knocking him out.
"What do I do?" Bish asked.
"I don't know, go look outside, see what the weather's like, or something."
Bish nodded then walked to the front door and opened it.
Martin watched as AlanGrant5, Vader, and Drucifer struggled to move a large desk in front of the door. Hopefully that would be enough to keep the penguin out.
Bish walked back over to Martin and said, "Mr. Martin, there's about forty Steven Spielbergs at the door. They say they want to talk to you."
Martin gasped.
There ya go! The Host stuff may have been a little more serious than what I had intended, and some of it moved a little slow, in my opinion. But, well, that scene has a small purpose -- like Martin hinted at the end here -- there's more to Dr. Junkee than just a violent psychiatrist with zero people skills, hehe. Anyway! Hope ya liked it. If not, that's fine, too! I'm just happy you read it (oh god, please tell me if you're reading this note, you actually read it! hehe)! Please, take the time to comment, would you? Thanks! :)
-- Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
10/30/2003 9:25:26 PM
(Updated: 10/30/2003 9:31:41 PM)
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