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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 11)
By JPJunkee
PREPARING FOR THE WAR OF THE CENTURY. . . WELL, NOT REALLY
Junkee rubbed his hands together, trying to keep warm. During the day this island was very hot and humid, but at night it was chilly and wet. . . Junkee, Vader, Dark Hunter, and Aragorn all sat in a circle around Dac, as they used his burning body to help keep them all warm.
"So, where's the other one?" Vader asked.
"Other one?" Aragorn frowned.
"The guy that didn't talk much, or at least didn't know many words," Vader continued.
"The starfish," Junkee said. "Where is Jmock5?"
"Ohh, ohh, him!" Aragorn said. "Yeah, he's dead."
"What? How?" Junkee was a little bit shocked, not because he cared for Jmock5, but because Jmock5's family paid him well to care for their half-wit son.
"Bad character development. Writer killed his character."
"How?"
"Pinkie," Aragorn said. "Big pink dinosaur came back and ate him."
Junkee frowned, "And what about Dino_Dude?"
"We don't know," Dac shrugged his shoulders. "He simply. . . disappeared."
"How are you talking while on fire?" Junkee questioned, moving away from the human torch.
"I think, therefore I am."
"Huh?"
Ignoring everything going on, Aragorn felt the need to explain what had happened in the story so far (in case someone skipped a part or two . . . or erm . . . three), "We think he was going crazy though," Aragorn said. "Using my vast knowledge, I determined he probably caught Jungle Fever. Which might explain why he chopped off Jmock5's arm with an axe made out of cheese."
Junkee blinked. "Okay, I've heard enough."
Dark Hunter closed his eyes and sighed, mumbling to himself, "So much death. They'll never see it coming. The end is soon, and I will win this time. Hehehe."
Junkee frowned and turned to Dark Hunter. "What?"
Dark Hunter opened his eyes, surprised that someone had heard him. "What?"
"What were you saying?" Junkee asked.
"I said nothing."
"Yes you did, and then you snickered."
"You're old."
"What?"
"You're old," Dark Hunter said. "You're hearing things."
"We're the same age, Dark," Junkee said.
"Well, how old am I?"
"Thirty. . . something."
"See? You don't even remember your own age, first sign that you are old and crazy."
"You are kind of old, Junkee," Vader said.
"Yep," Dac nodded.
"What the hell? This has nothing to do with my age. I thought I heard Dark Hunter over there giggling about the end of the world, or something, and then this turns into a debate about my sanity. . . . This is ridiculous."
"That's exactly what an old crazy man would say," Dark Hunter said.
Aragorn sighed, and mumbled underneath his breath, "I'm surrounded by morons. If only they would realize I was their King, everything would be so much better."
"What?" Junkee asked.
"Hearing more voices, are we? Hmmmm?" Dark Hunter smiled. "Geezer."
"Oh no," Aragorn said shaking his head. "I did say something. I simply said it's too bad that none of you realize I am your King, because then everything would be a lot more fun."
Everyone stared at Aragorn for a moment, as he smiled. Then Junkee snapped his fingers, and Vader punched Aragorn in the side of the head.
Dark Hunter smirked, "I can tell we're going to get far with you guys in charge of this little outfit."
"What's that supposed to mean, asshole?" Vader growled, putting on a pair of brass knuckles.
Dark Hunter's smirk disappeared. "I umm. . . .I didn't say anything."
"Yes you did you bastard," Vader said, standing up. "I'll punch you into the human torch over there." Vader pointed aggressively at the burning Dac.
"What's with the insults? You want a battle of words?"
"Suits me just fine, as long as I get to crush your skull in when I win," Vader growled.
"Bring it on!" Dark Hunter yelled.
"I will!"
Junkee sighed, and then sat back to observe his "friends" as they had their little temper tantrum.
Dark Hunter put his hands on his hips. "Hey oily! Damn you're oily!"
"What?" Vader asked.
"That was my insult, now it's your turn."
"Oh. . .okay. . . . Asshole!"
"Whatever!"
Vader frowned, "Numbnut, go screw a donut!"
"Ohhhhhh! How rude!" Dark Hunter exclaimed, slapping Vader across the face.
The attack shocked Vader, slowly he rubbed his cheek, then slapped Dark Hunter's face. Then Dark slapped him. He slapped Dark. And so on and so forth.
Suddenly the slapping stopped, and they simply glared at each other. Vader and Dark Hunter were so close together now, their noses were nearly touching. Their slanted eyes stared into each other, and they growled bearing their teeth.
Junkee put his hands on his knees and stood up. "Well, that was fun, ready to go?"
"Yep!" Dac said.
"This isn't over yet," Vader said.
"Same to you, bucko!" Dark Hunter said, stepping away from Vader.
Junkee sighed and helped Aragorn up off the ground, slapping him a few times to wake him up. "We're all like one big happy family," he grumbled.
"I am the head of the family," Aragorn said.
"What?" Junkee asked.
"I am the King."
"Yes, so you say. . . .We've heard that enough, okay?" Junkee asked, trying to be nice, which wasn't in his nature.
"But you don't seem to believe me," Aragorn said. "I am your King."
"Shut up," Junkee said.
"Oooooooooooo," Dark Hunter said. "Put him in his place!"
"I will not shut up, until you admit I am your King."
Vader had been around just about enough arguing for one day, so Junkee and Aragorn's little dispute really didn't interest him that much. What did interest him, however, was the peculiar chirping noise he was beginning to hear coming from one of the bushes behind Aragorn. No one else seemed to hear the chirping, but Vader thought the sounds were oddly familiar to the sounds that the little green lizards had made, that Dark Hunter had thrown bottle caps at. . . .
"Alright, who's your daddy?" Aragorn asked.
"What?!" Junkee snapped.
"If you won't call me your King, and yet I am the leader of the family, I must be the father, right?"
"You're insane."
"You're ignoring my questions."
"Oooooooooooo," Dark Hunter said.
Dac giggled, "This reminds me of Jerry Springer, except no one here has had any plastic surgery."
Vader laughed at the quick quip, but his eyes darted back and forth suspiciously.
Junkee pulled a hypodermic needle from his pocket, menacingly glaring at Aragorn. "Shut up, or I will stab you with the needle."
"You wouldn't dare—"
Suddenly, the bushes behind Aragorn exploded in a flurry of leaves and sticks, and dozens of little green compies jumped out, immediately latching themselves onto Aragorn's body. Aragorn screamed and fell on the ground, fighting off the little dinosaurs. Junkee and the others screamed, stepping backwards.
"Shouldn't we help him?" Dark Hunter asked.
"Why?" Junkee asked.
"Good point, let's go!" Dark Hunter ran with the others away from Aragorn, and then running away into the jungle.
Dac stayed behind for a moment, staring at Aragorn as he was eaten alive by the little green creatures. "Look how much blood," he said in a dazed voice. Vader ran up behind him, grabbed him by the back of his shirt, and hauled him away from the scene.
:::AUTHOR NOTE: Author notes are wonderful. Author notes are informational to the readers. Author notes are cool to look at later so that I can see what I was thinking. Author notes make me kinda sad when I look at them later and realize I didn't make much sense. Author notes are kind of negative in a way, the more I think about it. Oh, my goodness ...... Author Notes suck!. . . Stay tuned for more hopefully more enlightening Author Notes in the future.:::
* * *
In the darkness above in the clouds, the colored fonts of the Gods plotted against the beings on the island below.
"Assholes," Bob the Dark God said.
"Yeah, I don't like them. They killed my lizard," Dan the Light God said.
"They killed my lizard, too. But you don't hear me bitching about it."
"You never loved your lizard like I loved rexy. . . What we had was special!
"You're so sad and geeky, it's disturbing," Bob said.
"Oh stop! We must put aside our differences—"
"Me being the God of all Evil and you being my greatest enemy are pretty big differences to overcome, Dan."
"What? Not up to the challenge of working as my partner?" Dan taunted him.
"Fine. . . What do you have in mind?" Bob growled.
"They have messed with nature," Dan began.
"Damn straight!"
"They have raped the natural world!"
"Damn straight!"
"They must be punished!"
Bob thought for a moment, then said, "This sounds remarkably like your last plan with the lizards. . . Which, might I remind you, did not go well."
"No, this time, we will not possess any mortal mind."
"Ahhhh."
"We must revive a great warrior to kick all their butts!"
"Oh jeez. . ."
"What? It's a good plan."
"You said 'butts'. Dude, if you want the speech to mean something, put some power behind it. Say 'asses'," Bob said.
"Asses," Dan said.
"There ya go! Now, let's go to the God With No Name, and get him to revive us a warrior!"
* * *
"Yes, what do you two want?" asked the God With No Name.
"We need you to—"
"Your font's blue," Bob said.
The God With No Name paused for a moment then said, "Yes, I know."
"Unlucky bastard."
"Are you making fun of my font color?"
"What do you think I'm doing, blue boy?"
"I think you're making fun of my font color."
"Wow, you're smarter than I thought," Bob said.
"Hey! I don't need to take this! I'm the God With No Name!"
"Please, ignore my comrade. He's a little messed up. Too much time in the Underworld," Dan said.
"And damn proud of it, too!"
"I will ask one more time, what do you two want?"
"I'll skip the formal stuff, and get right to the point, we need you to revive a warrior for us."
"Someone who could really kick ass! Like the Terminator, only he speaks more clearly." Bob added enthusiastically.
"Dare I ask why you need a warrior?"
"No."
"Sorry?"
"No dipshit, you may not ask why we need you to revive a warrior. Now, just revive one on the island Isla Nublar, and we'll be done. Okay?"
The God With No Name sighed, "Fine. . . "
"Woo!"
* * *
In the middle of the jungle, all was quiet. Then. . . . leaves began to spin around in a small tight cyclone of sorts. Suddenly a bright silver appeared within the cyclone. Then in a vibrant flash of blue lightning, the orb disappeared. . . . . And standing in the middle of the jungle, was the revived warrior; Carnotaur3.
Carnotaur3 looked at his hands, then at the world around him. "I LIVE!"
"Weedle?"
Carnotaur3 spun around to see the Gorblat creature on a rock behind him. The little thing stared up at him silently.
"Uh oh," Carnotaur3 said.
"WEEDLE!!! WEEEEEEEDDDDLLLLEEEE!!!" the Gorblat screeched.
"OH MY GOD!" Carnotaur3 screamed, before his body exploded in a POOF of goo.
* * *
"Damn bug thing," Bob mumbled.
"Could you send him back. . . .again?" Dan asked.
"Fine. But this is the last time, then you two leave me alone," the God With No Name said.
"Aye, aye, cap'n!"
* * *
Another orb with blue lighting appeared, and again, Carnotaur3 appeared in the middle of the jungle. He slowly looked at his hands, then at the world around him.
"Weedle?"
"OH SHIT!" he screamed, running for his life into the middle of the jungle. His quest to kill everybody on the island would have to wait just a little bit.
* * *
With the tyrannosaur and the spinosaurus defeated, Martin, Yvonne, Drucifer, Snake-Mark, and Mr. Goodbytes returned to the Control Room. Goodbytes instantly sat back down in his computer chair, and went back to doing his computer job, all the while smoking his cigarettes . . . of course. Drucifer walked with Martin over to the computer map overlay of the entire island. Red dots everywhere represented little dinosaurs scampering through the park. With the fences down, the animals could wander in and out of any paddock they wanted.
"We need to get the power back on," Martin said.
Drucifer shrugged, "I don't know how, so I don't think it can be done."
"With the fences down, we could be under the attack of any dinosaur at any moment," Martin said. "We're lucky we still have power on in the Visitor's Center, but we need to restore power to the rest of the park."
Yvonne walked up beside Drucifer, and pointed at a large batch of hundreds of blue dots all marching towards the Visitor's Center. "What are those?"
Drucifer frowned, "Those are the compies. I don't know what they're doing though—"
Martin's face turned to alarm. "Yvonne, could you go tend to Host, and see how he's doing?"
"Sure," Yvonne said, walking away from them.
Once she was far enough away, Drucifer asked Martin, "What's the matter?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Martin asked, pointing at the blue dots on the map. "I didn't want Yvonne to hear this, because I know she's a little bit stressed at the moment. . . But what we are seeing right here, is an army of little compy soldiers. How many does it say are in that group?"
Drucifer looked closely, "Fifty-one."
Martin nodded. "It is as I feared. That is an army bred for one purpose; to destroy the world of men."
"Huh?"
"'Huh' what?"
"How can fifty-one little lizards the size of chickens possibly even hope to destroy the world of men?"
"Where there's a will, there's a way," Martin said.
Drucifer frowned again, trying to decide if that answer really had much of anything to do with his question.
"It is absolutely imperative that we get the power back on, as soon as possible."
Drucifer shook his head somberly. "It's not possible—"
Mr. Goodbytes stood up from his computer chair, raising his cigarette in the air. "I think I have an idea."
* * *
Host's face was very sweaty and pale. His injured and bloody leg stunk like bad mushrooms. Yvonne knelt slowly down next to him, and checked his forehead for a fever.
"You have ice-cold hands," Host said.
Yvonne frowned, and slapped Host's face.
"I don't think I deserved that," Host said. "I was just declaring a fact."
Yvonne slapped him again.
Host sighed. "Is there anymore morphine that someone could spare? I like it when I spout nonsense and people actually laugh at my dialogue."
Snake-Mark walked over to her, and handed her a needle full of morphine. Host looked at Yvonne and smiled, "Are you squeamish, too?"
Yvonne glared at Host, and stabbed the needle into his arm.
"Ow, I guess not."
"How does the leg feel?" Yvonne asked.
"I don't really feel it at all, anymore," Host chuckled, the morphine already beginning to take effect.
"What do you remember about AlanGrant5? What really happened?"
"What? You drug me, and you contemplate that I will just tell you everything you covet to cognize?"
"Uhhh. . . . yes."
"Fair enough," Host said, rubbing his brow. "Umm, gee, I don't know, it was really dark officer."
"What happened at the side of the road, Host?" Yvonne asked, more sternly this time.
Host paused, then said quietly, "People. . . . started dying."
Yvonne's eyes narrowed. "Tell me what I want to know, or else."
"Okay, okay, sorry. . . . . The hefty flushed lizard was about to consume us all when this deranged fellow came screaming out of the woods, claiming to be our savior."
"Then what?"
"Then the savior guy tried to get us killed, when he led the lizard after us, and the rex stepped on the car, crushing it like a tin can. . . . It looked like Fat Albert had attacked the car, I swear. . . . Then, the lizard chased me towards the bathroom, and I blacked out right around then."
"And AG5?" Yvonne asked.
"For the time I was astir, he was still betwixt the living. When I awoke, I was hearkening to Sherlock over there babbling about toasters," Host said, looking at Snake-Mark.
"That's not good enough."
"But it's the truth!"
"It's not what I wanted to hear," Yvonne said, pulling out a second needle, and quickly stabbing it into Host's arm.
Host paused for a second, staring at his arm, then he laughed. "Haha! There was only air in that one!" He gasped, clutching his heart, then everything went black and he passed out of all consciousness.
Yvonne smiled, stood up.
* * *
Behind Host's closed eyelids, a world of mathematical equations and really odd words began to take place. Suddenly, his body appeared on a dimly lit stage. In front of him, was a golden podium, and beyond that, an audience full of watchful eyes.
Host blinked, "Wow, a dream sequence. How come I think this scene was added in at the last minute?"
"You frightened?" a voice said from his right.
Slowly, he turned his head in the direction of the voice, and found himself staring back at a giant green parrot.
"Hmm," Host said.
The parrot had its own golden podium in front of it, and over its eyes was a pair of large black reading glasses. It had a button in its feathers that read; "I'm going to kick your brain’s ass!”
"Hmm," Host said again.
More lights turned on in the dream sequence auditorium, and a man in a blue tuxedo appeared in front of Host and the parrot.
"Paleeoguy?" Host asked the man in a blue tuxedo in a shocked voice. "What are you doing in my dream?"
Paleeoguy smiled, "You are here to do battle with Jack the parrot in the 2003 Spelling-Bee! And I am your host!"
"I'm the Host."
"Well, I'm the host."
Host frowned, this battle of wits was unnerving. "No, I am."
"No, I am," Paleeoguy said. Then he smiled, "Okay, so let's get this contest underway, okay? Jack the parrot, how do you spell 'carapace'?"
Jack the giant parrot nodded, "C-A-R-A-P-A-C-E."
"Correct! A hundred points!" Paleeoguy exclaimed. "Host, how do you spell 'epitome'?"
Host frowned, this dream was odd, but he played along. "E-P-I-T-O-M-E."
"Correct! Two points!" Paleeoguy shouted.
"Two points? He obtained a hundred, and I acquire merely two?"
"Yes," Paleeoguy nodded.
"Why?"
"Because he's a parrot, and you're a chaotician, you have the upper hand!"
"Raaaa! Jack wants a frickin cracker, raaaaa!" Jack said.
Paleeoguy smiled. "Jack the parrot, how do you spell, 'biodegradable'?"
"B-I-O-D-E-G-R-A-D-A-B-L-E," Jack the parrot said.
"YES, five hundred points! Now Host, how do you spell, 'perkelatoship'?"
"Sorry?" Host asked.
"Perkelatoship, how do you spell it?"
"There's no such utterance," Host said.
"If you can spell it, then it must be a word," Paleeoguy said. Everyone in the audience nodded their heads.
"Well--You can't--I can't not know how to spell a word! I'm Host!"
Jack the parrot started laughing.
Host put his hands on the side of his face and screamed, "This is a nightmare!!!!!"
* * *
Host sat up very quickly, his face dripping wet with sweat from the terrible nightmare.
Yvonne looked at him, "What are you doing?"
"The perkelatoship needs a new battery."
"What?"
"Batteredy. . . . needs one," Host said, before he set his head back down again and closed his eyes.
"Yeah, okay. . . ." Yvonne said, rolling her eyes. She sighed and walked over to the others.
Mr. Goodbytes lit another cigarette. "What we'd have to do, is turn off all the computers here, and then just turn them back on. It's fool proof."
Drucifer shook his head, "No, that can't be done. What if we can't figure a way to turn it back on?"
Goodbytes frowned, pointing at the ON button on the computer, that was conveniently placed next to the OFF button.
Drucifer shook his head again. "I don't see where you're going with this."
Martin sighed, "Just turn off the power, G."
Goodbytes nodded his head, then pressed the OFF button. Immediately, all the lights in the room turned off, leaving them in total darkness.
"This is no ordinary darkness," Snake-Mark said. "This is. . . . advanced darkness."
Goodbytes then pressed the ON button. There was an electric hum, but nothing more. No lights returned, no computers suddenly came back on, no nothing!
Yvonne frowned, "Ummm."
"It's on! It worked!" Goodbytes shouted, somewhere in the dark room.
"The blazes are you talking about, it's still quite dark in here," Snake-Mark said.
"Well, maybe the shutdown took out the breakers. After I face certain death by leaving this building, I'll try to fix them," Goodbytes explained.
"Where are the breakers?" Yvonne asked.
"Maintenance shed, other side of the compound. Give me five – err, fifty five minutes, and I'll have power restored to the whole park," Goodbytes said, walking out of the dark Control Room.
Drucifer nodded and said to the others, "Yes, well, just to be safe let's prepare for war."
"What?!" Yvonne snapped.
Martin grimaced, "Yes, we forgot to tell you, we're all going to fight war against the compies. They're coming here to kill, as we speak."
Snake-Mark grinned, loading his shotgun with new cartridges. "Good! Let them come!"
"What weapons will Yvonne and I use?" Drucifer asked.
Martin shrugged. "Whatever you can find, I guess. Didn't you say that you had a closet full of weapons, Drucifer?"
Drucifer nodded, "Yep, I had it installed just for this upcoming scene."
"Good, you go with Yvonne and get some sort of weaponry," Martin said. "Snake-Mark, you go to the front entrance, and alarm us if the compies arrive."
Everyone nodded and made their way out of the Control Room.
"Snake-Mark," Martin called after him. Once Snake had turned back to Martin, he said, "The defenses have to hold."
Snake nodded, "They will hold."
Martin sighed, and watched Snake leave. Martin feared for their survival, he feared for the survival of man. If Gods would get SO pissed off that they'd go through all this trouble to kill a couple tourists and geneticists, imagine what they would do to kill the people who created reality television or people involved with boybands like N*sync. Martin shivered.
Well, I hardly consider this to be one of the finer episodes, but hopefully you might have enjoyed it. Basically, this episode is all about preparing for what is about to happen and stuff, so it serves its purpose. Anyway, I hope ya enjoyed, and thanks a lot for reading! Comments are appreciated!
-- Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
9/18/2003 4:08:05 PM
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