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Dr. Junkee 2 Loonies United (part 10)
By JPJunkee
Junkee and Vader walked side by side through the jungle. Dark Hunter was still slung over Vader's shoulder.
"Junkee, I think Dark Hunter's starting to wake up," Vader said.
"I've been awake for fifteen minutes, damn you!" Dark Hunter screamed, pounding Vader's back with his fists.
"Hmm," Junkee said. "Well then, I guess you can let him walk on his own. I need to talk to him anyway."
Vader nodded and took Dark Hunter off his back and placed him on his feet.
"What's going on here?!" Dark Hunter demanded. "I wake up and I'm in the jungle with you guys. How did I get here?!"
Junkee frowned, it seemed amnesia was a reoccurring theme in this story. "I injected you with Chemical X. . . Again."
"Why?!"
"You were going to kill me," Junkee said flatly.
"So?"
"So. . . . That was a little inconvenient for me. And injecting you with Chemical X seemed to be the only answer."
"Oh. . . Well, why am I in the jungle? How did I get here?"
"Hell if I know," Junkee shrugged his shoulders.
"We crash landed here," Vader said. "You really don't remember anything? What was the last thing you remember?"
Dark Hunter rubbed his chin and thought about his last memory.
Dark Hunter stood in his bathroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
"I think I want to create a split-personality for myself," Dark Hunter said. "That way I'll never be lonely! Hello! My name is Tim! Woo! I am the shizzo!"
Dark Hunter frowned. "Ya know, I don't really remember what the last thing I remember was."
"Is that so?" Junkee asked, in a skeptical voice.
"Mmmhmm," Dark Hunter nodded.
"DR. JUNKEE! WE FOUND YOU!" a voice shouted happily somewhere in the jungle around them.
"What the hell?" Vader mumbled.
"Oh no," Junkee said, his brow beginning to sweat. "They found me. Quick, hide me!"
"Where?" Dark Hunter asked.
Junkee could hear people running towards their position. "I don't know! Anywhere!"
"Okay! I've got a plan! Come here!" Dark Hunter shouted. Junkee ran over to him. Dark Hunter lifted up the shirt on his back and said, "Hide there."
"What the—are you insane?!"
"Hide under my shirt," Dark Hunter said. "It's your only chance!"
"There's a whole frickin jungle out there, and you think my only chance is to hide under your shirt?"
"Too late," Vader muttered.
On cue, Aragorn and Dac jumped out of the bushes and ran up to Junkee.
"We found you, Doc!" Dac yelled.
"As your King," Aragorn said. "I demand to know why it took you so long to go piss in the woods."
Junkee's eyes narrowed, and Aragorn smiled as he awaited a response. Junkee smiled too, and then punched Aragorn square in the jaw. Aragorn grunted and fell backwards onto the ground.
"That was uncalled for," Aragorn said, rubbing his jaw and standing up again.
Junkee rolled his eyes. "I guess this means you guys are coming with us."
"Yay! We can have a slumber party!" Dac yelled.
Junkee frowned as he watched a flame suddenly erupt on Dac's foot. "Umm, Dac, I would take care of that."
Dac looked down at his burning foot and sighed. "Oh it does that sometimes. Watch, I can put it out." He then began to stomp his foot up and down. Abruptly the fire traveled up his leg and then his whole body was set aflame. "Oh darn."
"Yes, well, how about we rest here for a little while?" Junkee asked.
"Sounds good to me," Vader said, and everyone else nodded.
Everybody sat down on the ground and stretched their arms and legs as they tried to relax. Everyone except Dark Hunter, that is. Dark snuck away from the others and hid behind a nearby tree. He sat down beside a small puddle of rainwater and looked at his reflection.
"They are tricksie. They are tricksie little assholes. They tricked us, they betrayed us! They thought using the needle would stop me, but oh, no, no, no, no! Hehehehehe! We were going to betray them, but they just beat us to it. All the more reason to feed them to a giant arachnid!"
He picked up a rock and dropped it into the puddle of water, his reflection becoming distorted in the waves.
"Once the Doctor is dead, the precious will be ours," Dark Hunter growled. "I thought the precious was alcohol. No, the precious is the Mop. Really? Yes, really. Since when? Since forever, man! Keep up with the story would you? Ugh. I would be able to keep up with the story if vital plot points weren't changed every other chapter. What are you implying? Tim, you're bad for this story. I have other friends now, I don't need you anymore. Don't need me?! Hahahahahahaha! You wouldn't be anything if it weren't for me! Liar. Nuh uh, you are! Shut the hell up, and go away. Pfft! Shut the hell up, and go away! Grrrrr! SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO AWAY!"
Suddenly, Dark Hunter was alone. . . . No more Tim. . . . No more split-personality disorder that would scare away all the hot women.
"Free!" he screamed. "I'm free! Ahahahahahahaha! I am truly the shizzo!"
* * *
The tyrannosaurus and the spinosaurus stood underneath the cover of the treetops as the Gods devised their next move in their plan to kill everything.
"We have destroyed the power generator," Dan said. "But that is not enough. We must now take out the enemy stronghold."
"The Visitor's Center," Bob said menacingly. "Ooooo, this should be fun! Lots of blood and gore! Muahahahahahahahaha!"
The rex and spino smiled and tried their best to imitate the laugh. "Ruarararararara!"
* * *
Snake-Marks' red Jeep came to a stop outside the front of the Visitor's Center. Snake and Yvonne hopped out of the Jeep and then went around back to help Host out. Snake-Mark put Host's arm over the back of his neck, then together they hobbled up the front stairs and through the big doors of the Visitor's Center. From there, they went to the Control Room.
Yvonne walked into the Control Room to find Drucifer and Martin perched over Mr. Goodbytes as he worked like an insane jackrabbit at one of the computers.
Martin heard her enter the room and turned to greet her. "Is everything alright? Did you find them?"
Snake walked into the room with Host, and set the injured man on the floor then ran to go get some medication.
Yvonne frowned, "It looks like Host is the only one that made it. . . . Panos. . . . flushed the kids down a toilet and then electrocuted himself to death."
Martin frowned, "I'm sorry. . . . And AlanGrant5?"
Yvonne shook her head. "Host killed him. Not that I blame Host! I probably would have killed him, too! But. . . it's still difficult you know? No more Sam Neill lookalike. Now. . . I just have the memories. . . and his shitty films."
Martin sighed and placed a comforting hand on Yvonne's shoulder. "My condolences, no person should have to sit through one of his movies."
"I know," Yvonne said, wiping away a tear. "I know. . . Thank you Martin."
:::NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR -- *sigh* . . . . Yvonne scares me. See, umm, upon reading the above part about Sam Neill having shitty films, she threatened to kill me. . .and my dog. So, I was forced to leave an author note here, to clear up one thing so that Yvonne will not cause me any bodily harm. Umm, Real Yvonne worships Sam Neill, she has a shrine for him, candles, orange soda, the works. Story Yvonne just said Sam's films are shitty. Real Yvonne got pissed at me for this. But let me explain! Story Yvonne is so distraught that AG5 is "dead" that she's just. . . umm, she doesn't know what she's saying! She's just rambling on (much like I am now) because she's so scared (much like I am now) and stuff. . . . So yeah, now me and my dog can live another day. Thank you.:::
"Uh oh, umm, not good," Mr. Goodbytes said staring at his computer monitor.
Snake-Mark walked back into the room with a syringe full of morphine. He looked at the syringe, then at Host. Shrugging, he handed the syringe to Host.
"What? You're not going to do it?" Host asked.
"Oh, no, I'm too squeamish," Snake said.
"What's wrong Mr. Goodbytes?" Drucifer asked.
"You know the rex and spino that Amber released from the labs?"
"Yes, what about them?"
"I found them," Goodbytes said. "The rex is approaching the front end of the Visitor's Center now, and the spino is coming towards the back."
"What are they doing?" Yvonne asked.
"They are going to try and win their war by taking out the main characters," Martin said.
"That's terrible!"
"Yes, I know," Martin said, then he began to think and scratch his long beard. "Okay, here's the plan. I'm going to go out the front door and stop the rex. Everyone else go with Yvonne to the back, and you stop the spino."
"How are we supposed to stop the spinosaurus?" Yvonne asked.
Martin smiled, "Trust me, Yvonne. You'll think of something."
"But like what? Can you give me a hint?!"
"No, because I haven't the faintest clue of what the hell you guys are supposed to do. . . it seems pretty futile to fight the spino, if you ask me. I don't think you guys even stand a chance."
Yvonne frowned, "Well, that's not very reassuring."
"You must go now! Go Yvonne, lead your soldiers to their deaths!"
No one moved. Everyone simply stared at Martin.
"Fly you fools!" Martin yelled.
Still no one moved.
"I'll turn you into rubber duckies!"
"Let's go everyone, come on!" Yvonne shouted, running for the exit of the Control Room. Drucifer, Snake-Mark, and Mr. Goodbytes followed her.
Martin was about to leave, too, when he noticed Host lying on the ground.
"Lazy bum, get up!" Martin demanded.
Host's head rolled on his shoulders as he tried to sit up. The morphine in his veins made everything feel jusssssst peachy! "Who are you to say something like that to me?" he slurred.
"I am the wizard/janitor, Martin Randle. And you are a lazy bum!"
"I don't think I deserved that," Host said.
"I'll show you what you deserve!" Martin yelled, holding up the One Mop.
"Now would you really do that? I mean, Wendy's crystal paradigm elucidates many blighted commodities, but no thing shows a Mop! Ha!"
"What?" Martin asked, lowering the Mop.
"You have no idea do you? Whatever fits your fancy will do you conscientious, but weeeee ne'er witnessed the cobalt wild fowl of euphoria, now did we? No, no, no! We did not! We did not!"
"Sorry?" Martin blinked in confusion.
Host rolled his eyes, "Look elderly man, either you get me more morphine, or you go slay the lizard. For my part, I hope you garrote Dick Chaney, but that's just me! I mean, do what ya wish, yeoman, but don't tell AlanGrant5 about the stain. Okay? . . . If anyone asks, it wasn't me." Host's eyes darted back and forth.
Martin blinked again, then without another word he simply left Host behind and exited the Control Room.
* * *
"Go spiny! Make me proud!" Bob shouted from inside the spinosaur's head.
"RAR!" the spino said, running from the trees and towards the rear of the Visitor's Center.
Meanwhile, Yvonne threw open the back doors, and led everyone else out of the Visitor's Center. At once, she saw the spinosaur. . . as it was running right for them with its mouth open.
"What do we do now?!" Drucifer yelled.
Snake-Mark armed his big fancy shotgun and stepped towards the spinosaur, firing off round after round. The big dinosaur roared as the bullets hit its skin, and it stepped backwards a little.
"Yeah!" Snake-Mark yelled. "Take that bitch!"
"The guy's got spunk," Drucifer said, as he watched Snake-Mark shooting the spino.
"The guy's a frickin lunatic," Yvonne said.
Mr. Goodbytes lit another cigarette. "So, what do we do?"
Yvonne watched as the spino continued to fall back even further, scared off by Snake's gunfire. "I guess we just sit back and watch."
Snake-Mark yelled obscenities at the big dinosaur, and continued to shoot at it. . . . Then suddenly he heard an odd clicking sound. "Oh shit."
"What is it?" Goodbytes asked.
"Out of ammo," Snake said. "In all my life I have never run out of ammo. . . STUPID GUN! Sonofabitch! I kill you!" he began to scream as he beat the gun against the ground.
The spinosaur looked down at them again, and roared, then stepped towards Snake.
"Oh shit," Yvonne muttered.
"Muahahahahahahahahaha!"
* * *
Martin Randle stood in the middle of the staircase, outside the front entrance of the Visitor's Center. In front of him, the big green tyrannosaurus lowered its head and advanced towards him.
"You cannot pass," Martin said.
"You hear that, rex? 'You cannot pass'. Ha! Bite off his head!" Dan said in the back of the rex's head.
The rex snickered and opened its mouth.
"Your big teeth will not avail you, lizard of doo doo!" Martin yelled. "Go back to the cretaceous."
"Hahahahaha! Funny. . . .Well, not really, but kinda."
The rex roared and went to attack Martin.
"YOU. . . . SHALL NOT. . . . .PASS!" Martin yelled. Then, he brought up his Mop, and threw it at the tyrannosaur. The Mop hit the rex in the neck, going straight through one side and then out the other. The rex gasped in surprise, and then fell on its side, dead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! . . . . . I will have my revenge!" Dan said, as his yellow font flew out of the rex's body, and back up into the heavens.
Martin smiled, and then walked back into the Visitor Center.
* * *
Drucifer handed the two cans of Pepsi to Yvonne. Then he looked back up at Yvonne and said, "Are you sure about this?"
"Sure I'm sure," Yvonne said. She looked back out at the spinosaurus, which was now in mortal combat against Snake-Mark, who was using his empty shotgun as a melee weapon of sorts.
Mr. Goodbytes came up behind Yvonne with two cans of Coca-Cola. "Here, I got them," he said, handing the drinks to Yvonne.
"Good! You two drink the Cokes now." Yvonne opened the two Pepsis, and then downed them both at the same time, in less than ten seconds. . . Then she set the empty cans aside.
Goodbytes stood in awe, his cigarette falling to the floor. "Wowsers," he managed to say before lighting another cigarette.
Drucifer and Goodbytes drank the two Cokes, then placed the empty cans on the ground next to the empty Pepsi cans.
Yvonne brushed the hair away from her face and knelt down next to the cans. She picked up a stick from the ground and then stabbed the stick through each can. . . Then, she held the stick up, the end of it now covered in shiny aluminum.
"This isn't going to work," Drucifer said.
Yvonne sighed, perhaps he was right. But, everything depended on her now. If she didn't make a stand, they would all be eaten! Slowly she turned towards the spinosaurus, then she began running at it, with the stick held above her head.
The spinosaur swatted Snake-Mark aside with one of its claws, growling as it bent down to eat him.
Yvonne screamed and threw the stick at the spinosaurus. The stick hit it in the side, stabbing into its hide, and remaining lodged in it. The spinosaur roared and turned its attention to Yvonne.
"Oh shit," she said.
"STEP ON HER LIKE AN ANT!" Bob shouted to the spino.
The spinosaurus nodded its head and charged at Yvonne. She put her hands above her head, knowing that running away was useless now. And then in the last moment before the spinosaurus was about to step on her, a blue bolt of lightning shot down from the skies, striking the aluminum cans attached to the stick on the spino's back.
The spino roared as blue waves of electricity shot through its body. Then, poof, it was turned into ash.
"Goddamn it!" Bob shouted as the green font floated away.
Drucifer, Goodbytes, and Snake-Mark all approached the breathless Yvonne.
"It's amazing how many things get struck by lightning in this story," Drucifer said matter-of-factly.
* * *
"Hehe, okay guys this was funny but now it's getting old," AlanGrant5 said. "Where are you?!"
It was dark and he could hardly see anything. The thick trees above blocked the light of the moon. The kids had left him, and he knew for sure that some terrible creature would eat them if he did not find them soon. He brushed away a wet branch and walked further into the darkness beyond.
"Where are you?" he called out into the darkness. "I'm sorry about the whole 'I am your father' bit, I didn't mean it! It was wrong. Just come on kids, where did you go?"
Then he suddenly lost his footing, and slipped, falling on his face. "Owwww!" He stood up slowly, rubbing his sore nose, and then continued to search for the missing kiddies.
* * *
"Do you think he'll find us?" Bish whispered to RaptorHiss beside him.
The two kids were lying on their stomachs in the middle of a field of long grass. If there was any good place to hide, they presumed it would be here.
"No, of course he won't find us," RaptorHiss said. "An expert hunter would have a tough time finding us, and this guy's just a moron. . .We're safe."
"What about the dinosaurs?" Bish asked.
"If we're careful, we'll be fine. I've seen Barney enough times, I'm practically a paleontologist."
"You watch Barney?"
"Yeah—I mean no, no, my mom used to force me to watch it when I was five. . . But I haven't watched it since I turned six."
Bish nodded understandingly. Then he smiled. "Sing the song."
"What?"
"Sing it."
"I told you, I haven't seen the show since I was five. . . I don't know the song," said RaptorHiss.
"That's bullshit, and you know it," Bish said.
RaptorHiss sighed, "I love you, you love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you—"
* * *
AlanGrant5's face lit up like Drew Carry at a Christmas dinner. "I LOVE THAT SONG!" he shouted, bounding quickly in the direction of the singer.
* * *
"Do you hear that?" Bish asked, interrupting RaptorHiss' singing.
"Oh shit, if anyone heard me signing, I will kill you, Bish," RaptorHiss said, jumping to his feet.
Bish and RaptorHiss stared out over the top of the long grass, and saw AlanGrant5 running towards them screaming, "Barney! I love you!!!!"
"Quick run!" Bish whispered.
The two kids ducked low and began to run away, going to the opposite side of the field of long grass.
* * *
AlanGrant5 swatted the long grass away from his face as he ran through the field. Then, he abruptly came to a stop once a peculiar thought occurred to him. . . . The song wasn't playing anymore.
"Hey! Rip-off! That wasn't the whole song!" he shouted. Then he considered that being nice to the singer may encourage him to continue. "Encore! Encore!!!"
Still no reply.
"Where the hell is everybody?" he demanded.
"Esh snizzle my nizzle," a voice said in the darkness.
"What the—Who said that?!"
Then from a different direction, "Fo shizzle, a merry deri dizzle."
"Oh God, now I know what it must be like to live in China!" AlanGrant5 screamed.
He heard movement somewhere in the long grass, but he was too afraid to run. . . He had seen enough Kung-Fu movies to know that 'a true kung-fu master fears not death but instead the sword that causes it' . . . He wasn't exactly sure how that was supposed to be comforting, but Jackie Chan seemed to understand.
The strands of long grass parted all around him, and in the next moment he found himself surrounded by six velociraptors.
"Volishiraptors!" AlanGrant5 exclaimed.
The raptors looked at each other and exchanged a few more 'words'.
"Ephi hizzo can feet the shiznit outta hizzle," one raptor said.
"Bak dat shit up!" another raptor said. "I'm down 2 de for dawg, but datza mac'n'attack hizzle."
AlanGrant5 frowned, then said the only thing that came to mind, "Greetings, take me to your leader."
The raptors eyed him carefully, then one of them said, "Hizzle bat phat kizzle?"
"Ummmm," AlanGrant5 searched for the proper reply. I must try to communicate with them in their native tongue, he decided. "Kap smack kizzle, fo sho."
The raptors let out a gasp then moved in closer, waiting for him to say more.
"Ehhh. . . . Dat po daught I wiz smackin itz, but ya no I wazn't packin it. Bust a cap in yo ass! Hip Hop 4 life. . . . yo!"
The raptors nodded their heads mindfully, thinking out what to do. They whispered amongst themselves for a moment, then one of the raptors stepped forwards and said, "Welcome 2 da h00d."
"w00t!" He was now one with the raptors.
And so that is the end of this week's chapter! Thank you to those who took the time to read it, I hope you enjoyed, and please leave a comment! I hope you continue next to read into next week, as well.
Dr. Junkee
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Kyle 'JPJunkee' Warner
&
Yvonne Bartha
9/12/2003 2:00:19 AM
(Updated: 9/12/2003 4:05:47 PM)
(Updated: 9/13/2003 4:48:16 PM)
(Updated: 9/14/2003 3:45:27 PM)
(Updated: 9/14/2003 3:46:31 PM)
(Updated: 9/14/2003 3:49:04 PM)
(Updated: 9/14/2003 3:51:33 PM)
(Updated: 9/15/2003 11:19:04 AM)
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