|
DANtastic Voyage 3
By General Rancor
DANtastic Voyage 3
Dan, General Rancor, and Panos have had a wacky adventure so far.
After freeing Dan from the mental ward, our unlikely group, through
some odd travels, made their way from Will's house to a wrestling show.
They were trying to go to Hollywood when Reddog2002 and his 2002 Ford
Ranger EDGE SuperCab 4x2 came to the rescue.
Reddog2002: I saw you guys on TV and just had to come down here.
GR: KICK ASS! It's a good thing that not all the members are locked
up in that psychiatric ward. Wait a second, how did Will get out?
Dan: Well it is a minimum-security place, and it is voluntary. Most
of us stay there for the free Internet and the drugs.
Panos: You bum.
Dan: Well if I could keep a job I wouldn't have to.
GR: Excuses excuses. Where there's a will there's a way.
Panos: Ayo, and where there's a Will there's a nerd. The Bad. The
Really Bad. The Gay Rancor.
Dan: Now that's uncalled for. I'll BAN you from this truck.
Reddog2002: Everybody, calm down. Dan, this is my vehicle, therefore
you have no power.
GR: Of course he has no power. He banned himself.
Reddog2002: WHAT? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
*Pulls vehicle over and laughs uncontrollably for 5 minutes. General
Rancor and Panos join in. Dan pulls out a piece of paper and writes
their names down on his TO BAN LIST*
Reddog2002: Ok, that's better. So guys, I guess we're going to the
JP/// convention?
Panos: What JP/// convention?
Reddog2002: The one that Dan was promoting.
Dan: Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that. Electroshock therapy has
that affect on people.
GR: Who'll be there?
Dan: Everybody from the site, the stars of the movie, etc.
GR: Are you shitting me?
Dan: No, I'm not "shitting" you. Speaking of shitting, Panos, you are
just as bad, if not worse than that General Rancor. When I was
janitoring at K-Mart you purposely came in and clogged the toilet.
Panos: Look, I do what I have to do and you do what you have to do.
Dan: I had to vomit, and then my boss fired me before I could quit.
GR: Sucks to be you.
Dan: No, it'll suck to be you when I am un-banned.
GR: You mean if.
Panos: Yeah, you keep mouthing off and this mission will end
uncompleted.
Dan: Reddog2002, you're on my side, right?
Reddog2002: Leave me out of this!
*THEY PULL UP TO A MANSION, WITH A "PARTY at 8" SIGN*
Reddog2002: Well it's only 7, but I have to pick up some women, so
try to stay out of trouble.
GR: Us in trouble? Never.
Dan: Please don't leave me.
Reddog2002: No can do. Later.
*Speeds off*
Panos: Who owns this place?
Dan: Um, some rich dude.
GR: Who?
Dan: cough*David Duchavney*cough
GR: As in Tea Leoni's Husband?
Panos: It's her ex-husband technically.
Dan: I would BAN you guys from this party, but it would stop the plan,
plus I'm not running the show, so you lucked out. Now let's go.
Security: Names please.
GR: General Rancor.
Panos: Panos.
Dan: Dan.
Security, you two go in, "Dan", you've been banned, so take a hike,
damn imposter.
Dan: Hey, I run the site. You will let me in or I will-
Security: Ban me? Grow up. Now don't make me mace you.
GR: See you later Dan.
Dan: Wait...NOOOOOOO!
Panos: Dan, you know what you have to do.
Dan: What?
Panos: You didn't get the nickname Dan Goin Down for nothing.
Dan: EXCUSE ME!?
Panos: Come on, your not fooling anyone.
Dan: I AM NOT GAY!
Panos: Homophobe.
DAN: I don't hate gay people.
Panos: So you love them?
Dan: Ye...N...leave me alone. You are the one that kisses people on
the cheek.
Panos: I'm Armenian. What's your excuse for kissing men?
Dan: Well...HEY!
GR: Hay is for horses. Hay is for Dan.
Dan: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HORSE?
GR: A whore?
Dan: CONSIDER BOTH OF YOU PERMENANTLY EXISTANCE BANNED. I CAN'T HEAR
YOU OR SEE YOU.
*Puts fingers in ears and shuts eyes*
GR: Let's go.
Panos: Ayo.
LATER
Will: I am the Good. The Bad. The Rancor. What a cool Dan statue,
I'm going to take it inside.
INSIDE: It's a huge party; all the members to ever be at Dan's site
are there. There are dinosaurs everywhere. The stars are there, as
well as many other famous people.
GR: We have a mission that requires all our attention.
Panos: Nothing shall interfere.
Announcer: Welcome our guest of honor, Tea Leoni!
GR & PANOS: FUCK THE MISSION. DAN CAN WAIT.
Tea Leoni: Welcome to my JP/// party. The real fun starts in a
little less than an hours, but feel free to mingle. (Aside) How much
am I getting paid for this?
Announcer: TEA LEONI!
Crowd: Claps.
Panos: SHE'S GOT HERPES!
Crowds: (chanting) SHE'S GOT HERPES!
Tea Leoni: Well at least I get some.
Crowd: -------
Man: May I take your coat?
GR: Damn it, this is my General uniform, not a coat, you...wait, I've
seen you before, but where?
Man: Evolution?
GR: Never heard of it. How about something that someone actually
watched?
Man: X-Files.
GR: You're that guy that did Gillian Anderson.
Man: My name is David and I played Agent Mulder.
GR: MR. LEONI!
David: Yeah...Mr. Leoni...
Panos: So what's it like being married to a robot clone?
David: Who told you, that's top-secret FBI stuff?
Panos: Everybody knows it, but many deny the fact that the Spino ate
Tea Leoni while she was filming her death scene so Stan Winston made a
robot clone of her.
David: Well that's a lucky guess but I know something you don't know.
Panos: No one really cares.
David: Aw shucks. I could have been in JP/// if I wanted to, then
everybody would know me and not that annoying woman.
Tea: What annoying woman?
David: GULP...nothing dear, I was talking about that...that guy over
there not moving.
Tea: Chris?
David: No, the gay one.
Dan: I AM NOT GAY!
Tea: Oh hi, I didn't see you. Do you want a blowjob?
GR: Say yes; prove us wrong.
Dan: Fine, yes.
*Tea reaches behind he back, then starts swinging wildly at Dan*
Tea: HUH!? Where the hell is my ax? DAVID! Where's-----CLICK
David: (holding remote) I love this device. Sorry about that out
break. I learned the hard way about the ax.
Panos: Ayo. I take it the Tea robot clone has some glitches.
David: Yeah, she glitches more than Windows.
Bill Gates: I resent that.
GR: Well I'll be a monkeys green pointy-eared uncle.
Bill: Really, I thought you were the General of all Rancors.
GR: I am. How did you know?
Bill: Money talks, and I listen.
David: CLICK. Tea, say hi to Bill.
Tea: Hi Bill. Would you like a-CLICK.
David. He He. Well, what do you know, she must be tired.
Bill: I can fix that for you.
*Messes around with a bunch of wires, then finally kicks the damned
thing*
Bill: There, let's see if that worked.
GR: Panos, do the honors.
Panos: It's a birdcage!
Tea: FOR WHAT!?
Bill: Hmmm...still seems to be fucked up.
Dan: No, that's how she always is.
GR: Well Bill, now that you fixed Tea, what are the chances of you
looking at Dan's site. He banned himself.
Bill: Tee Hee Hee. What a nerd. Well money can fix anything, so
it'll be fixed ASAP. But right now I got to pick up some beyatches.
Dan: Can you give me some advice on how to pick up beyatches?
Bill: Here.
*Sticks some $100's in Dan's shirt pocket*
Dna: Groovy.
Girl 1: Hey stud.
Girl 2: I saw him first slut.
*Catfight occurs, Dan gets dragged in. GR goes gets one bill, but
the rest are missing. Panos holds up another 2 bills and smiles,
Bill Gates holds up the rest, smiles, and places some single in Dan's
pocket, Dan doesn't notice the switch off.*
Girl: What the hell? Who is this dork?
Dan: Dork? I think this will change your mind. *Holds up a crisp
new single*
Girl 2: You know what you can do with that.
*Dan goes to put it down her shirt, she takes it, slaps him and
leaves.*
Dan: I need a BAN-daid.
GR: I'm almost starting to feel sorry for Dan.
Panos: Why? He's banned you before and if he had the chance he'd do
it again, and again.
GR: Oh yeah. Damn it Dan, I should break my foot off in your ass,
but you might like it.
Dan: I'M NOT GAY!
Announcer: The party is beginning; our first activity will be a wet
T-shirt contest. The only contestants are Tea Leoni and Wayne Knight.
We have also picked two names at random, and the lucky winners get to
kiss the contestants chosen at random. Our first winner, Dan, gets
Tea Leoni, while our second winner, Insider, gets Wayne Knight.
*Water is poured on. Tea Leoni is the winner, even though Wayne has
a bigger chest. Wayne deeply kisses Insider, and security has to
separate the two. Dan laughs ate General Rancor and Panos, who try
to stop him from kissing Tea. He should have listened. He gets a
quick kiss, but the water has short-circuited Tea and Dan gets a
10,000-volt shock.*
Dan: Mamma Mia! I think I'm in love.
David: That's it.
Panos: CAT FIGHT!
*This is all the crowd needs. A massive brawl breaks out, as all the
flooders begin rioting. The cast of RAPTOR! starts beating on the
cast of JP///. The JP/// raptors are way to smart and lock themselves
upstairs, drinking martinis. Bill Gates begins pelting people with
rolls of cash. The General table declares all out war, Thade, Goldrex,
Jet, as well as all the other military ranking members (hey, this is
a short story) tip over a table and set up a nice trench. They
bombard members of that other website with Raptor eggs. Crocodile
Dundee leads the Australian outfit with Dac & Capt. Sharkey. Panos
starts clearing house as a one man Armenian Army, then General Rancor
comes in with Will and a Rancor beast, but the Rancor beast and will
start going at it, so the General steps back, instigates a few fights,
gets bored, and then starts kicking ass again. The fan-fic writers
quickly start writing their accounts of what is happening, taking time
outs to stab people with pens and squirt ink into their eyes.
Jurassic_Justin is sitting back drinking iced tea, and randomly
putting "kick me" signs on people's backs, and then kicking them.
SGD laughs at what is happening and then starts picking people off one
by one, not caring whether they are flooders or not. David is worried
that he'll be arrested for endangering minors, so he hides under a bed
. All of the sudden Barney and a Gayasaurus Homosexualis begin a
deadly match. They're fighting soon turns into hugging. Panos and GR
try pushing Dan into the fight. Suddenly the birdcage is knocked
offer, and the birds are crushed by the deadly dinos. The feathers
stick to their blood, and upon seeing this, Will jumps in. The fight
starts up again, this time with mods joining in. Beno-yo knocks a
bunch of people out, while Vader starts off with a light saber. Seeing
that this isn't effective, he remembered what a great fan fic writer
he is, pulls out a key board and begins hitting people with it,
Icebreakers does the same. Meg is filming the action, but gets a
little too close to the action and is accidentally KO-ed. The Giant
Wang pops up(I'm sorry, I just had to say that), a Panda enters
demanding Bamboo, a bunch of dynasty warriors, Dinos-Snore is having
the most fun ever. ALL HELL IS BREAKINGS LOOSE! Dan can't take it.
Dan: CONSIDER YOUR ASSES PURGED!
*Hits the switch, power goes off, alarm sounds, sprinklers go off, etc.
Everybody stops to see what will happen, but nothing does*
Dan: Finally.
Gayasaurus Homosexualis: Roo--oarr!
Barney: I love you, you love me.
*BANG BANG BANG!*
GR: (has gun) To hell with you, Barney.
Panos: (has gun) The Gayasaurus Homosexualis is extinct.
Will: You bastards killed them! *Begins CPR*
Dan: I BAN ALL OF YOU FROM THIS PARTY.
Tea: Dan, this is my house, and I ban all of you.
Bill: I own everything, and I ban everyone.
GOD: Thou shall be banned.
LATER-Everyone is out on the street. The cops then arrest everyone.
The minors are turned into the custody of their parents, after a
thorough stip and cavity search. Tea goes home, everyone else
eventually leaves.
GR: Well that was fun. Hey, look at that green thing; think Jim
Carrey is filming a sequel?
Panos: He sucks. I asked for an autograph and he wrote Cum Carrey.
GR: Bastard. I asked for a picture and he said leave me alone. JIM,
TRUMAN SHOW SUCKED ASS!
*They kick his ass*
Dan: I'm still not un-banned.
GR: Ban this.
Dan: I would if I could.
General Goldrex: If you anger me, a disgruntled British man will
knock on you door and have you beaten and shot...
Dan: Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England.
Panos: I knew it.
Dan: Fine, I'm very gay, as in happy, and quite queer, as in strange.
British dude: May I ask one question, do you suck on faggots?
Dan: I don't smoke.
Bill: (in very drunken voice.) Where am I?
GR: I don't know, but you have my wallet.
Bill: Whaz yer naaame?
GR: William Gates.
Bill: Sorrryyy about that. Here ya go.
GR: KICK ASS! Damn this weighs a ton. Here Panos, take half.
Everyone but Dan: TO DAN'S!
Dan: No way. I'd sooner eat Panos' socks.
*Panos begins to take shoe off*
Dan: NO! Fine, to my house.
NEXT DAY-Bill has tries everything, then finally inserts credit card
into the A drive. Dan is un-banned. Bill leaves, wondering why his
wallet is so light. General Rancor and Panos look at all the stuff
they have "borrowed" during the party. GR's list consists of a light
saber, a raptor from the movie RAPTOR!, Dino-Snore's eagle, and Dr.
Alan Grant(in a bag). Panos has Will's passwords, Meg's camera, porno
pics of Tea, a birdcage, Grants hat and...
GR: What's that behind your back?
Panos: What?
GR: Come on, I can see it, it's like 40 feet tall.
Panos: Ok, you got me. I took the Spino from JP///.
GR: Even I have my limits.
Panos: I have to return it to Stan?
GR: NO WAY! Leave it at Tea's house :)
Grant: General, I don't see my hat in here.
GR: Keep looking.
Dan: Why are you guys still here? I hate you guys, I'm un banned,
now leave.
GR: Ban this.
Dan: Fine. *Makes a name "this", posts once, and BANs it.*
Panos: Your parents are cool. They said we were nice guys and that
you should be more like us. We'll leave after dinner.
Dan: Dinner? You guys ate everything.
Panos: Later.
GR: Yeah, and get a job hippie, I didn't go to Vietnam so you could
join those Communists.
*Dan makes sure they are gone, and goes to BAN both of them, only an
error comes up, then a video filmed during the party plays. GR is at
a table with a bunch of washed up stars.*
Mr. T: I pity the fool trying to ban me.
Gary Coleman: Whatchutalkinbout Daniel?
MC Hammer: You can't ban this.
*GR backhands him*
Alf: I like eating pussy-cats.
*video ends*
Dan: Fine, if I can't BAN anyone, I'll just BAN everyone. I WILL BAN
YOU! BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN! I LOVE BANNING. BANNING GETS ME
PSYCHED!
Epilogue
GR-manages to get unbanned, and to this day is bugging Dan. Bill
Gates hired him to be an andmin, with the power to ban Dan. He also
got a real Rancor Army.
Panos-also unbannable, and was also hired by Bill as an admin. He is
then elected King of Armenia.
Dan-still on a BANNING spree. Will nothing stop him?
Everyone from the site-They are all banned, and in an unrelated note,
are still doing great.
Tea Leoni-Still doesn't know what a birdcage is. Last seen being
chased by a Spino.
David-jealous after finding what he thinks is Dan's pants. Wonders if
Dan is wearing his pants. FBI is investigating.
Chris Reeve-Making Superman 5/ JPIV
Crocodile Dundee: Last seen at Vincent's Pizzeria, eating a pepperoni
pizza with Joe Bagadonuts.
Hulk & the "rasslers"-still rassling.
RingMessenger-becomes addicted to apologies, prostitutes self to pay
for AOL.
Bill-felt sorry for Dan, agreed to give him one penny for everyone he
bans. The realizes he'll run out of money, adds that every time Dan
bans him Dan must give ½ it back.
Dan's parents-still cool, happy that their son has a job.
Anyone else not mentioned: Doing whatever. The time spent neither
made Dan any cooler nor made GR or Panos less cool. You would think
Dan has run out of people to ban...
Narrator: That brings an end to this story.
*Looks around, pulls mask off to reveal Dan*
Dan: Listen, I'm not like how I'm portrayed in the story. Oh, before
I forget, the small print says by reading this you agree to be BANNED
immediately. HAHAHAHA. I will keep BANNING and BANNING, and then
BAN some more, I promise. I WILL BAN YOU!
*Clicks BAN, then PURGE*
THE END?
3/2/2002 7:40:26 PM
Comment on this fan fiction!
|
|
|
