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Dans JP3 Page - The Parody Chapter XII
By FordPrefect
Chapter Twelve
[Recap: Aragorn flees Message Board after the revelation that SGD is his father. Dan, Crow and Mikeymike are captured by the forces of Fan Fiction. Rick Arnold finally deletes MAL from the system. The S-Men escape the clutches of the spammer queen and rush back to the visitors centre. Mr. Camel meets his doom at the hands of moderators and Stealth Raptor two dies in a car accident on a clifftop.]
*******************************
Crow woke with a start. He squinted and waved away his blankets to get a good look at his surroundings. He was in a cell of some sort. The clang of footsteps on a metal floor rang through the hallway outside and two moderators limped past growling to each other. Rick Arnold and Ben. They hurredly glided to the top of the hallway and disappeared. Crow let out a sigh of relief. Another set of footsteps. Closer this time. A guard appeared at the cell door; Dan was at his side.
“ Dan!” Crow yelled, “ What have they done to you?!”
Dan stared forward blankly. The guard laughed heartily and strapped a grenade to his mouth to show how tough he was.
“ This ‘gent got what was coming to him!” The guard chuckled pulling on the grenade pin with his tongue.
“ What…what did you do?!”
“ We roughed him up,” the guard spat, “ kept complaining he was on a mission of great importance. Har Har. Pack ‘o lies,”
“ He’s DEAD!”
“ No, no…but some might say he’s better of dead then living in a state of constant limbo. Rarhar,”
The Guard threw Dan on a mattress. “ He’s staying here for a long long time, until he’s prepared to give us that code of his. The weapon of the enemy – and his – his mission was to walk into Fan Art with it?! Har har. The code goes to Message Board.”
Crow burned. So the guard knew. The guards laughter rang as he clomped down the hall.
Crow rushed over to Dan. He opened his eyelids; nothing. He wasn’t dead. But he was worse. Vegetated. Crow shed a tear and grabbed a pillow from his bed and pressed it against Dan’s face. Dan started thrashing violently but Crow held fast. Then Crow crossed the room to a water fixture and tore it from the ground. The water erupted into a fountain as Crow somehow hauled it over to the window. He flung it through with all his might and jumped to freedom!
Or at least he would’ve done, had Dan not woken up and asked what he was doing. Crow slipped on the water and cracked his head on the bed stand. He stumbled onto his feet.
“ Dan! You’re alive!”
“ Of course. They could never get to me.”
“What are we holding on to, Dan?”
“ That there’s some good in this world. And it’s worth fighting for,”
“ I agree with the last part,”
They exchanged a hug. Dan planted a kick-me sign on Crows back.
The cell doors burst open and Captain Evilgrinch stormed in furiously gaping at the water fixture.
“ What! What have you done…You’ve ruined…my beautiful! I…” He composed himself. “ Alright…explain!”
After some hefty explanations, Evilgrinch spoke again. “So this is the answer to all the riddles, here in the wild I have you, two half-minds and a host of men at my call, and the code of power within my grasp.”
“ You must let us go!”
There were gunshots outside the walls. Rick Arnolds voice yelled loudly as the slaughter began.
Evilgrinch frowned and dropped onto his knees. “I think at last... we understand one another Dan,”
The guard snorted in disbelief. “You know the laws of our country. The laws of your father. If you let them go, your life will be forfeit.”
“Then it is forfeit. Release them.” Evilgrinch barked. He looked at the code of power.
“ You know Dan, with great power comes great responsibility,”
Dan nodded and the pair slowly walked free from the cell as the water cascaded around them. Gunshots erupted through the walls. The loud yells of dozens being slaughtered by one ban gun.
Dan and Crow stepped into sunlight, the skies clear and blue overhead slowly dissolved into murky clouds and lightning over Mount Dom ahead. Crow sniffed.
“When will we get there?”
“The bright circle will pass over us many times, and we must follow it each day until it touches the ground.” Dan said softly.
“Have you ever seen the Great mountain?”
“ no,”
“Well, how do you know it's really there?”
“Some things you see with your eyes, others you see with your heart.”
“I don't understand, Dan.”
“ You will, my friend, you will. When we reach Fan Art, there'll be many many spammers for you to shoot at.”
“I wish we were there now.”
“ Well, it's a long way yet. Past the Great Rock that Looks Like a author, and pass the Mountains that Burn... still a long way, but we'll get there.”
And so Dan and Crow continued on their way towards Fan Art…
***********************
The S-Men milled around the hall wondering what to do.
Host sat staring out the window blankly at the forest. It was beautiful. The silhouettes on the painted stained glass represented trees, and mountains and a XenoSpammer.
A XenoSpammer?
“Holy CRAP!” Host whispered gesturing wildly to the silhouette of the creature slowly darting forward. The S-men almost screamed but did not want to draw attention to themselves so piled awkwardly into a cupboard.
“ Ha ha…they’ll never find us in here!” chuckled Snake-Mark.
The XenoSpammers roared nasally and clunked into the hallway.
Seth Rex held his breath and pointed his gun through the keyhole. Too small. Damn.
The XenoSpammers heard and rushed the door in a frenzied attack.
Not so much frenzied as weak and feeble.
Drucifer67 conjured a bat out of his hat. “Swing away Dac. Dac... swing away.”
Dac wondered what he was talking about. Then he noticed the bat. He grabbed it and started beating the XenoSpammers across the face. They yelped with pain and inexplicably their faces fell off. Or at least…their masks fell off.
MartinRandle and Guilty Spark whimpered with pain.
“ MartinRandle?” Dac asked confusedly, still beating him with the bat.
“ Stop! Stop! You idiot!”
Dac stopped and threw the bat aside. It hit Host in the nose and he crumpled and started to cry.
“ Why the hell are you dressed up as XenoSpammers?!” yelled Drucifer67.
“ Arggh…Alright, I’ll tell you everything,” coughed Guilty Spark.
“ Traitor!” growled MartinRandle.
“ We’re…we’re exiles…” sobbed Guilty Spark. “ Exiles from Message Board.”
“ Exiles!”
“Yes…All the staff here at Spamrific Park have all had some terrible tragedy happen to them and we came together and decided one thing; We must keep the real site out. With the money that MartinRandle had we created an artificial extinction park. Beyond the mountains and fences is the real internet. We wanted to keep it away. So we created a myth that we had extinct spammers in the park. But it was just a ruse. I’m a professor that teaches American History at the University of Internet movie database and I had an idea. There are no spammers except the spammer queen but we found that here by accident. There’s two more of them. One fled over to the borders of Fan Art. Probably lying there in wait of a traveler. Anyway, so we just dressed up to stop people leaving and to keep the illusion going. There was no XenoSpammers – it was us dressed in suits. When Carnotaur3 died…that was me under the table with a hand puppet.”
“ I would of gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids!”
“ Raggy Dabby Dac!” Cried Dac.
“ So…what now? Trying to stop us from leaving and going back to the real world?” Drucifer67 questioned.
“ Uh…actually we’re escaping...some moderators are approaching and we decided to get out of here. Unforunately, someone stole our cold yoghurt and our jeep. I bet it was Stealth Raptor2. How long does it take to get a coke?”
“ Well, what are you going to do now?” asked Snake-Mark.
MartinRandle snorted. “ This idiot wanted it all,” he pointed at Guilty Spark, “ I remember when you first came to me you ungrateful brat. Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You claimed you were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me, "a warped, frustrated, old man!" Who are you but a warped, frustrated young man, crawling in here on your hands and knees begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You're worth more dead than alive. So I hired you, and you betray ME! Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word: Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee.”
Guilty Spark sighed:
“ I guess I’ll leave. This place was never for me… I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little site off my feet and I'm gonna see the internet. Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Google. Then, I'm comin' back here to go to college and see what they know. And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build search engines, I'm gonna build websites a hundred pages high, I'm gonna build hyperlinks a mile long...”
The S-Men scowled at this but pitied the poor men. For a whole three minutes. Then they threw them out into the cold.
Guilty spark spat gravel out of his mouth and turned to face MartinRandle, who was bound hand and foot and lying face down in the dirt.
“ Well Sir, At least we’re alive,”
“ Oh, shut up,” MartinRandle mumbled.
*************************
Carna sighed. Evilgrinch had left in a hurry. Something about impotent important guests being detained. Carna checked his watch. He needed to get moving…Dan could already be at the foot of Mount Dom. There was a bang outside.
“ What’s going on?!” Yelled Carna. The crashings and shouting stirred him. He went to his window and looked out on the peaceful city of Fan Fiction. But, today it was at war.
“ What the?”
Rick Arnold was single handedly slaying hundreds of members.
“ Soft! O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire,
sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.”
RaptorVinny500, being an uneducated swine, had no idea what Carna was babbling on about and crossed the room to the window. He groaned at the massacre unfolding beneath their eyes.
“ Come Carna; we have to save these innocent people,”
Carna, Raptorvinny500 and Paleeoguy loaded their wands and leapt out of their window onto the stone floor of the square below.
“ Around the survivors, a perimeter create,” Paleeoguy ordered to the Fan Fiction guards.
“ Well well; if it isn’t the three musketeers,” Snorted Rick Arnold. “ Paleeoguy…we’ve met before…Carna – you seem very familiar…but where?”
Rick shrugged and shot at them.
They dodged.
“ Stop this now!” Carna cried, “ Or we’ll decapitate you just like your friend Ben,”
Ben was lying in a crumpled heap on the floor nursing many injuries.
Rick snarled. “ I did that to him…He was slowing me down. Don’t worry – he’ll live.”
Carna shot sparks out of his wand. Rick jumped out of the way.
“ Wait, I thought all you did was kill innocent people.”
“ Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? An obese man... a disgusting man who could barely stand up; a man who if you saw him on the street, you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him; a man, who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. After him, I picked the lawyer and I know you both must have been secretly thanking me for that one. This is a man who dedicated his life to making money by lying with every breath that he could muster to keeping murderers and rapists on the streets!”
“Murderers?”
“A woman...”
“Murderers, Rick, like yourself?”
“A woman... so ugly on the inside she couldn't bear to go on living if she couldn't be beautiful on the outside. A drug dealer, a drug dealing pederast, actually! And let's not forget the disease-spreading whore! Only in a world this shitty could you even try to say these were innocent people and keep a straight face. But that's the point. We see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night. Well, not anymore. I'm setting the example. What I've done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed... forever.”
“ You’re sick…”
Rick Arnold grinned and rapidly shot at them with his Ban Gun.
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Captain Panos gasped. Before him was a ships port ruined and burning. The ships were mauled open and sinking in the depths. The sign of Latest News swung wheezily over the carnage. “OH! Many of these ships were my friends. Creatures I have known from nut and bolt,”
Vinsfield concealed his glee, “ I’m sorry Panos,”
“They had voices of their own. SGD. A wizard should know better! There is no curse in English, Spammer or the tongues of Texans for this treachery! My business is with Latest News tonight. With rock and stone.”
“Yes!” Vinsfield clasped his three fingered hands together.
Panos yelled at his crew members. “ Rárum-rum! Come my friends. The sailors are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom. The last march of the sailors.”
Vinsfield put on his coat and pointed towards the great spire of Latest News where he knew a captain of SGDs army was plotting the demise of the internet.
The ship sailed through the darkness up the river and lay in wait for the army to fight.
“ To WAR!” Vinsfield clambered down the anchor and threw himself at the foot of Latest News, a barren wasteland. “ We’re going to need a bigger boat…”
The crew swarmed down with him and marched on the small sleepy town for the last stand at the palace of Latest News.
A plague of spammers rushed towards them. Vinsfield brandished his volleyball and cut them down.
“ Break the dams!” cried Captain Panos.
“ Get out of the water!” yelled Vinsfield.
Panos opened the dam and the river overflowed sending a spiraling collapsing vortex of death and destruction as the mighty arm of the sea reclaimed its land.
Vinsfield entered the palace and killed the guards with swipes from his truncheon. He picked up the radio and turned it on. A tinny voice came from the speaker. Vinsfield recognized it as Majestic-1; the bounty hunter. He must have taken control of Latest News.
“I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further...”
“ Ooooh, I'm very sorry Majestic-1. I didn't get that message. Maybe you should've put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I've waxed Chavez and Stryderman and his friend here, I figured you and Ben and Rick Arnold might be a little lonely, so I decided to give you a call.”
“ Eh, that's... very kind of you, considering you are a mysterious party crasher. You are most troublesome, for a security guard.”
“ Bzzzt. Sorry Majestic-1, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?”
“ Who are you then?”
“ Just a fly in the ointment, Majestic-1. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.”
Majestic-1 made gurgling noises at him but Vinsfield was unperturbed. Everyone who he had spoken to on the phone had died within seven days…
Vinsfield grinned and the sailors set about killing the hordes of spammers who had suddenly arrived. They were slowly besieging the palace.
*************************
Aragorn collapsed outside the city limits.
JPJunkee loomed over him. “ Aragorn; I had no idea,”
“ You wouldn’t know…” Aragorn sobbed. He looked up at the sky; “ Host! Why didn’t you tell me?! PaulSF told me that Majestoc-1 kidnapped and murdered my father.”
JPJunkee started to speak…a recorded message! From Host…in the future!
“Your father was seduced by the dark side of the HTML. He ceased to be spino_goin_down and became Lord SGD. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.”
“ huh? But that doesn’t fit with what you told me anyway…from any point of view.”
Somehow, Host responded. The jerk.
“I don't blame you for being angry. If I was wrong in what I did, it certainly wouldn't
have been for the first time. You see, what happened to your father was your fault. Spino_goin_down was a good friend…to someone else somewhere. Aragorn! You must battle for the good of Dan’s JP3 Page! Help me, Aragorn…you’re our only hope.”
“ I can’t fight my own father,”
” No…perhaps not…your destiny is to win the battle of Message Board. No matter…there is another…your twin sister!
“I don’t have a sister, idiot,”
“Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if he were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.”
“ JPJunkee! JPJunkee is my sister!”
“ Your insight serves you well! You were separated at birth. You were sent by me to live with the royal family while JPJunkee was made a homeless beggar. After you left home and went traveling JPJunkee went to become a moderator…so you would never have met him on your travels.” Host’s voice reverted to JPJunkee’s. “ So you will listen to me,”
Quick Comment and Parasaur.w set about fixing their wounds from their encounter with Majestic-1.
“ What do we do now…My father…our father…is SGD,”
“O Aragorn, Aragorn! wherefore art thou Aragorn?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a spammer.
What's Spammer? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Aragorn would, were he not Aragorn call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Aragorn, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.”
“….what?” Aragorn looked up confused. “ I am SGDs son. You don’t understand! I will never be king,”
“ Message Board is under new ownership now. You can either live with it. Or fight with it.”
“ What?”
“ Message Board is no longer a friend to Dans JP3 Page. We must eliminate her. Kill all who walk among her as they are servants – tools of their masters bidding. They are SGDs hand whom reaches out and vanquishes all good members. We must kill all.”
“ We must destroy Message Board?”
“ Yes, It’s the only way,”
Aragorn nodded and picked up his Ban Gun. “ We’ll blow up the city. I will follow you to the end…sister,”
“ Exactly. On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”
“Yo y mi hermano son uno e igual,” Aragorn roared.
[Author note: yeah…you wanted Spanish accents…I went and added Spanish dialogue!!11! It roughly translates to ‘ Me and brother are going to become one with the sky,’]
The group set off back to Message Board for the purge of the member race.
*************************************
TO BE CONTINUED………….
10/20/2004 3:11:04 PM
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