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Dr.Monba
By Dr.Chanikov
December 7, 1776, Congo, Africa
It was a dark and rainy night in the Congo. Fires smoldered across the dense jungle. Nazi forces had invaded Africa because it was ruled by monkeys and Apes. Hitler despised monkeys and Apes as much as he did Jews. The monkeys and Apes fought back. While stuffing the barrels of Nazi tanks and ray-guns with sticks and “mud” the monkeys and Apes sang,” We love the species that throws their own feces!” Confused the Nazis withdrew from Africa. Now back to the story. It was a dark and rainy night in the Congo.
Dr.Monba, who served in the war against the Nazis, was building his rocket ship disguised and a tree. He wasn’t doing a very good job. He was planning to fly to a wonderful place called America. He had only heard good things about America, but what he didn’t know was that Americans did secret viral experiments and polluted their land and that a lot of them are Chinese, because China is overpopulated and everyone was moving to America, even Mexicans, Africans, Canadians, Australians, and Guatemalans. He looked forward to moving to America.
January 17, 1888, Independent Alaska
Dr.Monba launched his rocket and landed in Independent Alaska, where he wrote this poem:
Dr.Monba
Dr.Monba is pink and cuddly
Dr.Monba is very emotional
Dr.Monba is not too bright
Dr.Monba is afraid of light
Dr.Monba is a Rainbow Monkey
Dr.Monba loves honey
This really isn’t a poem
I’m just bored
In February 1976, Independent Alaska was attacked by eco-terrorists and was melted. Dr.Monba’s Tree/Rocket floated to New Hope Assembly, 736 Eisenhower Rd., Leavenworth, Kansas, 66048. There he resides in his Tree/Rocket. The only job he qualified for was the Vice Presidency, but he thought tat was a job for guys named Dick Chenney. So he has to live off of food stamps. He recently got his fur dyed pink and has been making plans to overtake the world with Happy Trees, while making the Jedi his peanut shelling slaves. And soon he wants to join forces with the Sith Lord-Darth Bush. But first, he has to find a minimum wage job.
May 15, 2005
Dr.Monba, a retired physician, sat counting his food stamps in his rocket/tree. He had plans laid out to hijack a shopping cart from an unsuspecting homeless person. He thought this would complete his metamorphosis into a Sith Lord. But, he forgot he had to make a cocoon and wait ‘till spring to become a Sith Lord. After countless hours of counting food stamps, Dr.Monba finally remembered he needed to make a cocoon and wait until spring to become a Sith Lord. And so he began turning his rocket/tree into a rocket/tree/cocoon.
Winter 2005
While Dr.Monba was hibernating in his rocket/tree/cocoon, he was dreaming about overtaking Emperor Palpatine and turning the Universe into his Very Own Monkey Empire. As he hibernated, nations battled outside his rocket/tree/cocoon. This would soon lead to the fall of the Empire and the rise of the Banana Republic of Fluffy Bunny Slippers. But that won’t happen for a while.
As many nations battled each other with their nuclear weapons, biological experiments, and machines of war, Dr.Monba hibernated in his rocket/tree/cocoon. The radiation from the nuclear weapons mutated Dr.Monba further than the metamorphosis would have alone.
Spring 2009
When Dr.Monba awoke, he realized the radiation had prolonged his hibernation 3 years more than it was supposed to. He also realized he had mutated not into a Sith Lord, but a butterfly/monkey! And he was happy for once. He knew something went wrong. He checked his surroundings. He saw desolate land, smoldering fires, city ruins, and signs leading to McDonalds.
‘Luckily’, he thought, ’I saved a bunch of food stamps for this kind of situation.’
He then saw a sign leading to an Imperial Supermarket. ‘The Empire obviously must’ve taken over the world’, he thought. Then he asked himself, ’Why do I always think and never talk?’
So he gathered his food stamps and started flying towards the Imperial Supermarket, why singing his favorite song by Destiny’s Brain Child.
When he finally arrived at the Imperial Supermarket, he was seized by Imperial storm troopers. He heard them call in the biohazard containment team, when they found his food stamps, when they searched him. After the biohazard containment team had obliterated his food stamps with their blaster rifles, Dr.Monba saw their motto sewn onto the biohazard containment team’s armor. It said “To protect the Empire from selling food and other, items such as anything, to poor people with food stamps. The End.”
April 2, 2009
After Dr.Monba encountered the Imperial storm troopers at the Imperial Supermarket, he became unhappy and his wings burnt off. So he went back to his rocket/tree (not a cocoon anymore.) Dr.Monba ten got some coconuts and sold them to a blind kid for $100, saying they were Poke balls with rare pokemon in them. He then went back to the Imperial Supermarket, where he was searched again by the storm troopers, and this time allowed to pass. While shopping, he bought a Space Balls DVD, beef jerky, a bottle of Dr.Pepper, a Destiny’s Brain Child CD, and then went to McVader’s (used to be McDonalds) and bought an Angry Meal. He decided to save the rest for something else.
As a kid, Dr.Monba was abducted by aliens. It was later discovered that he was delusional and he watched Close Encounters: of the Third Kind too much. Later he went to monkey school, to become a monkey (if it wasn’t that obvious.) After that he went on to become a monkey psychologist. And now he is in a rocket/tree in what used to be Kansas.
With the rest of his money, he hired a gang of mercenary clowns armed with sticks to go with him to a remote Costa Rican island, where he could begin to build his Empire.
DR.MONBA GOES TO JURASSIC PARK
May 19, 2009
After they landed on a small island off the coast of Costa Rica, Dr.Monba decided to look for food, because he was out of beef jerky. As he went wandering aimlessly through the jungle, his clown mercenaries went looking for a vending machine. He walked. And walked. And walked some more. He did this for about five minutes before passing out because he was so tired, because he never got out to exercise.
When he woke up, he stumbled further into the jungle, where he bumped his head on a giant wooden gate. On the top of the gate was a sign that read ‘JURASSIC PARK’. No, it didn’t talk. On one of the doors was a flyer for a Mad Scientist Camp. He took the flyer and headed back to his rocket/tree. When, he arrived back at his rocket/tree, his clown mercenaries had all returned with Dr.Pepper and Twinkies. He ignored them and went inside his rocket/tree to call the phone number on the flyer for more information.
He got an automated machine and it said, “Thank you for calling the Mad Scientist Hotline. Your call is important to us, but we are eating pizza and- Oh, I mean we are doing important paper work and stuff. If you are calling about Camp Registration press 1”, Dr.Monba pressed 1,”Thank you for pressing 1 a Camp Registration form will automatically be faxed to you because we are to lazy to fax it ourselves.” The fax came through and Dr.Monba filled it out the best he could. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten his Rabies vaccine. Then he faxed his registration back and the phone rang.
It was the automated voice again, “Thank you for registering. We appreciate your money- I mean participation in the Mad Scientist Camp. Now that you have registered here are some tips to help you get to camp if the worst should happen.
“Tip #1: Earthquake! If an earthquake should occur, stop! Take a deep breath. And take a chill pill. The Earthquake will stop and you’ll be a hero. You’ll also be able to make it to camp to give us your money.”
30 minutes later...
“Tip #27: A thousand mile long asteroid is heading for Earth. Quickly get online and e-mail your friends. Tell them to jump up and land at the same time. This will knock Earth off its trajectory and out of harms way. You’ll be a hero.”
5 hours later...
“Tip #576: Surprise attack of Ninja Assassins. Use the Five Point Palm Heart Exploding Technique. Don’t worry about the ninja’s hearts exploding. They didn’t have hearts anyway.”
97 hours of the automated machine talking about worst-case scenarios...
“Tip #57,987: Canada invades the U.S. If we learned anything in WWII it was prepare for invasion. Ask for a meeting with them. Tell them they are important to the world, even if you like Mexico better.”
After 2 weeks the automated machine finally stopped.
“Thanks for letting us take two weeks out of your miserable little life. Now we would like you to invite your friends to give us money- I mean invite them to camp. He are some tips on how you can get them to come to camp. Tip#1: Lay a trail of gummy bears in front of a candy addict.”
2 hours later...
“Tip #89: Ask them. Tip #90: steal their favorite teddy bear.”
5 hours after that...
“Tip #345: Beat them mercilessly and drag their limp body to camp with their money. Thank you again for registering and have a nice day.” After that, he hung up and took a long awaited nap.
Later, after taking his nap, he decided to go back to the sign. As he went past the Jurassic Park sign, where he found the Mad Scientist Camp flyer, he saw a large building. He figured he better not go there because it was guarded by Imperial storm troopers. So he went the other way, down the road. A fat man in a jeep started chasing him. While Dr.Monba was running from the jeep, he tripped over a power cord and disconnected it. This caused the power to the park to be cut. The fat guy swerved to hit Dr.Monba and ran into a log. The fat guy got out to tie a winch around a tree and slipped. His shaving cream fell out of his jacket and rolled down the waterfall. Dr.Monba wanted to sell it on E-Bay so he put it in his pouch.
The pouch was a smiling toe nail that was found in the depths of a fire extinguisher someone had tried to put out a forest fire with. While he was there, he found a tall man wearing black, with a helmet and cape and a bad disposition. Dr.Monba thought he could rule the Empire and instead of selling the shaving cream on E-Bay, he could use it in a plan to overthrow the Emperor and become the man-in-black’s apprentice. But instead, he went to get some ice-cream.
Meanwhile, somewhere else in Jurassic Park, Tiki Witch-Doctor found himself carrying the remains of a sacrifice to the one and only God. (You see, Tiki found only half the Bible, the New Testament.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
CLASSROOM
A group of school children say together,”Silly Tiki!”
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tiki was blessed by a goat that was delivered to him as he wandered the park. He saw a jeep just outside the fence and decided to go play a trick on the passengers by throwing the goat leg at them. He looked at a puddle on the ground to see ripples extending from the center. He grew uneasy and ran off.
Dr.Monba wandered through the jungle looking for the Swan man’s truck. He came upon the building that was guarded by the storm troopers. Instead of storm troopers he saw a sign that read ‘Out to lunch. Be back when I’m rehired.’ So Dr.Monba went in. Inside he saw acrobats jumping around on skeletons with some raptors. (Dr.Monba is fluent in Raptor.) The raptors were saying,”We just want to give your wallet back!” and,”Why’d you lock me in the freezer? It was freezing!” The na T-Rex showed up and ate the raptors. (Hope that guy didn’t have his passport in his wallet.) Then some old guy cam in a jeep and took them to McVader’s for some Angry Meals. Suddenly, Dr.Monba heard a noise. It was a loud screaming. He went to investigate. What he found was a raptor tickling a hunter dude. Appearently they had been playing hide and seek and the guy tried to act like a hunter so they wouldn’t find them. Obviously it didn’t work. So Dr.Monba went back to the building.
The shaving cream can inside the smiling toe nail pouch was placed next to the raptor cage in the Imperial building. The raptor took a leak on it. The dinosaurs then mutated into dinosaurs that squirt shaving cream out of their noses. The dinosaurs than went out to put shaving cream on everyone who had a beard. It was a natural defense against facial hair. The dinosaurs were jealous because they couldn’t grow any, and protested Sturgis.
To be continued...
6/24/2005 4:46:30 PM
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