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SPAM Attack 2! Part 1 of 3
By Dino-Snore
A 21ST CENTURY SNORE PRODUCTION
SPAM ATTACK 2!
ESCAPE SHUTTLE OF TUGBOAT STARSHIP CRUISER NOSHOWMO
DESTINATION: HOME!
CURRENT LOCATION: A LONG WAY OFF FROM HOME!
TIME BETWEEN SPAM ATTACK AND SPAM ATTACK 2: 60 YEARS
( Floating through Space as dead as a....dead thing. The Escape Shuttle that was once a part of the Mighty Tugboat Starship Noshowmo is nearly dead, dead because it has been stranded, dead because there is no power except for what keeps it alive: IT'S HUMAN CARGO! )
( Anyway, out of the Darkness of Space comes the Lightness of a Ship in Space, a light that can only mean one thing in a place like this: Space Garbage Men....)
( The Good Garbage Ship Lollypop was just minding it's own business when all of the sudden this LANDMINE of Money came out of the blue in the form of a Escape Shuttle. )
Salvage Captain: Lets get that ship! Kill Anyone on it so we can get a real pay!
Salvage: GLADLY SIR!
( The Good Garbage Ship Lollypop grabs the Escape Shuttle with Robot Claws and hooks up the 2 Airlocks between them...3 Salvage Crew then board the Ship and find the ship's sole Occupant and are about to blow holes in his Cryo Tube when all of the sudden everything became very disoriented and Jedi A. Malcom awoke in a Hospital....)
Jedi: Where the hell am I?
Nurse: In a Hospital! You were in a Long Cryo-Sleep and then was pumped full of Lead!
( Jedi sees he is has enough Bandages on him that made him think he could have been Cheese )
Jedi: Woah!
( Thats when all of the sudden, some guy in a Big Leisure Suit enters )
Guy: Hello! I'm a Jer--I mean, I'm Raptor Claw!
Jedi: You the Bad Guy of this SPAM Attack Adventure?
Claw: Very Much!
Jedi: Lemme guess, you want me to tag along with you on a Mission to find more Spammers!
Claw: Yeah? How did you know?
Jedi: I dunno! I was the Only Survivor of the Last SPAM Attack and kinda guessd on the fact that your Science Officer was a Robot and wanted to PROTECT that Thing!
Claw: Yeah....
Jedi ( Looking at wrist watch ): Woah, lookit the time! I gotta hallucinate!
( Jedi imagines a Spammer enter and slaughtering everyone )
THE NEXT DAY
( Jedi sits in a room surrounded by the people he fears the most: FEDS, IRS , CIA,FBI, ICC, SA, ECT! And at the end of the Table is Dan, the Big Cheese, Head Honcho, Ect. )
( Jedi has been here for a while, most of that time is spent looking at the Crew Dossier for the Noshowmo, currently, the Figure on the Screen was Snake-Mark )
Dan: So you mean to tell me there was a Spammer on your Ship?
Jedi: Yes!
Dan: Are you aware of our Encounters with other Lifeforms? Like....THE ERROR FROM ANOTHER SITE..or...MikeyMike?
Jedi: No One could forget the Mass Chaos that followed in the wake of The Error!
Dan: Yeah.....Anyway ( Jedi looks back at the Screen, there's Amber now with his Official Money Grubbin' Jacket ) So you Blow up the Noshowmo and it's 20 Million Dollar Cargo--
FED: 42 Trillion Dollars...Minus Cargo!
Dan: Anyway, then , you then Blow Up the Ship and escape in the Shuttle, leaving everyone to die...
Jedi ( Looking away from a Picture of Mark ): WHAT?
Dan: You left your Crew to die!
Jedi: No, they were allready dead, just check the files! CHECK THEM!
Fed: Are there any Monsters like this on Planet Hell?
Fed 2: No, it's a Dustball, no Original Life!
Jedi: Hello? Did my Words just bounce off you the same way they bounce off MikeyMike, this Spammer is NOT from that Planet!
Dan: Ok...( As Jedi looks at the picture of JPJunkee ) What was it's life Cycle Again?
Jedi: Egg, Parasite, Nasty Parasite, and Adult!
( Jedi sees Dark Hunter's Picture )
Jedi: This thing killed my crew in 3 hours....what would happen if it got here? I'd give you at least 27 Hours!
Dan: I think I have no choice but to--
Jedi: Ban Me?
Dan: Woah, woah, No! The Writer still needs you for at least 5 Sequels!
Jedi: Oh...
Dan: I'm just giving permission to be in those Sequels...
Jedi: Sigh of Relief!
Dan: Anyway, We have a Colony on Planet Hell, 300 People all armed to the teeth...
Jedi: 300?
Dan: Yeah, I gotta go ban someone now!
( Jedi looks at his Picture )
MEANWHILE....
PLANET HECK COLONY
POPULATION: 300
LOCATION: PLANET HECK
MISSION: SEEK OUT NEW LIFE AND NEW CIVILIZATION TO BOLDY GO AND KILL IT
( A Small Collection of Buildings next to a Nuclear Power Plant make up the Heck Colony. )
( Inside the Command Center, the Main Building of the Colony, everything is busy )
Boss: I'll be down at the Generator Shed....
( A Radio Guy runs up )
Boss: What?
Guy: Someone at Home wants to let us know they got a Mission for us!
Boss: Really?
Guy: Yeah, he wants us to look at a Grid Reference....
Boss: Tell Survey Teams 1-6 to get those vehicles ready and tell them that the first guy who finds anything gets whatever he wants...
Guy: And what about home?
Boss: You Reply!
( Boss leaves the guy behind and bumps into some kids )
Boss: WHY YOU LITTLE, ARGGGHHHHH!!!!
( The Boss pulls out his Gun and opens fire on the kids )
LATER....
( In the First SPAM Attack, 3 Spacesuited Astronauts went through hell trying to get through the area. What the Survey Teams in their big SUVs are dealing with is different: Hell with Air Conditioning! )
Survey Guy: Uh...this is Team 2, me and Team 4 are checking the East Ridge...
Survey Guy 2: Roger, Teams 1, 3, 5, and 6 are at the south ridge!
Survey Guy 3: This is Team 3, found what we've been looking for!
( All the Survey Vehicles Converge on what was found: a UFO half buried in the Ground, when the vehicles stop, 32 Men and Women get out and set up a Camp. One of these brave explorers is Jango Raptor )
Jango: Someone help me with the Colony Computer Uplink! Get 2 People inside that UFO!
( 2 Survey Personel climb into the UFO )
LATER...
( The Camp is finished, an Additional Number of Survey Teams arrived and bumped up the population to 67 )
Jango: Where are those 2 guys?
( As if on Cue, 1 of the Surveyors crawls out of the UFO )
Surveyor: I could use some help, my Partner had a Nasty Fall!
( 8 Men grab gear and head inside the UFO, Jango goes along with the Surveyor and Another Guy )
Jango: Someone Radio the Colony!
( The 11 of them crawl into the cavern and follow the Cable to where a Hole in the ground is...)
Guy: Allright, set it up....
( 5 Men prepare to enter the hole, 3 Stand By , the Surveyor looks down the hole...)
Surveyor: HEY DOWN THERE! I GOT HELP!
( The 5 Rescue Workers climb down )
Rescue Guy 1: What the?
Rescue Guy 2: What are all these little
Rescue Guy 3: Don't touch them!
Rescue Guy 1: Found him? What's on his--
( Hiss )
Rescue Guy 4: I ffeeellll funnnyyyy...UGK!
Rescue Guy 2: Christ! Look at---
( Hiss )
Rescue Guy 3: GET OUTTA HERE!
( Hissing, Screaming, and struggling are heard from within the Pit, by the Time Someone makes it up to the top, He has a Squid-Like Parasite stuck to his Face...
Surveyor: Holy....( Runs off )
Jango: AUGGGHHHHH!!!!
27 HOURS LATER...
( Raptor Claw walks into Jedi A. Malcom's Apartment Complex with a Military Officer in tow...they Similtaneously knock on his door )
Jedi: Yeah?
Claw: Open up, we got a Problem!
( Jedi opens the door with a look on his face )
Jedi: What kind of Problem?
Claw: We lost Contact with the Colony of Planet Hell! This Military Guy with me is Lt. MuldoonLives15
( After a Few Minutes of Bickering )
Jedi: No...I'm NOT Going! Judging by the list you gave me, I dont think 12 Marines will be enough to handle a Single Spammer!
ML15: No need to worry, we got State of the Art FIRECRACKERS, WITH ALL KINDS OF EXPLOSIVES TOYS!
Jedi: You just made it worse! I will not go...( Jedi hallucinates a Spammer slamming Claw's and ML15's Skulls into each other )....Is Thursday okay?
Narrator: What happened at Planet Heck? What will Happen at Planet Heck? What will be happening of Everything! Find out on SPAM ATTACK 2!
7/1/2003 3:08:16 PM
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