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SPAM Attack! Part 3 of 3!
By Dino-Snore
( The Remaining Noshowmo Crew: Dark, Amber, Mark, Jedi, Snake, and Junkee are gathered in a Small Workshop on The Mighty Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo. On the Table before them are every weapon on the Ship. )
Amber ( Holding up a Gun ): You see, this is a Laser Rifle, it shoots Laser, it cost money to made, and it costs even more for shipping and Handling, I want my Money, I'll show you how this Gun works!
( Amber blows a Hole in the Ceiling )
Amber: Now I need money to fix that hole!
JPJunkee: I made a Gas Gun that Shoots Gas!
( Dark picks up the Gun and test-fires the Gun in Junkee's Face. )
Junkee: Ow!
Snake: I made a Net Gun! It shoots a Net!
( Snake Aims at everyone )
Dark: No time for that you fool! Okay, 2 Teams: Jedi takes everyone except Mark and Junkee, and I take everyone except Amber and Snake!
( As the Groups Split up, Snake grabs his Net Gun and a Laser, Amber grabs a Laser, Dark grabs a Laser, Junkee and Jedi grab Gas Guns, and Mark is left with a Flashlight. )
Mark: What the?
LATER...
( Jedi, Amber, and Snake are heading down a Corridor, Very Trigger-Happy and Money-Grubbin' . Jedi sees Somethign Move out of the Corner of his Eye )
Jedi: THERE IT IS! KILL IT!
( Jedi lets loose with the Gas Gun, The monster he saw falls over, Snake aims his Net Bazooka and Fires away, followed by Multiple Laser Blasts from Amber and Snake....After all the Smoke and Knockout Gas fades... )
Amber ( Looking at the Captured Monster ): It's the Slim-Jim Guy!
Snake: Damn
Jedi: I just used up my Entire Supply of Gas!
( Snake untangles the Slim Jim Guy from the Net and starts to stuff the Net back into his Bazooka. He then goes up to Jedi with the Radio )
Jedi: Malcom to Hunter, we thought we caught that Spammer ( He looks back at Amber poking the Slim Jim Guy ) , but it's that Slim Jim Guy....I used all my Gas on him...But it proves that it works!
Hunter: Right, we're on are way....
( Amber was still off to the side, examining The Slim Jim Guy when all of the sudden, slimey drool drips onto hiis Shoulder )
Amber: What the hell? ( He wipes his Shoulder and only Spreads the Goo ) I'm gonna need money to clean this ooffff....( He then spots a Shadow over him and turns around and looks up ) SNAKE!
( At that Moment, a Giant HAND comes down and painfully INSERTS A STRAW INTO AMBER'S HEAD! )
Amber ( As Blood Sprays everywhere ) : ARGHHHHHHHGHHHHH! AUGHHHH!!!
( Snake and Jedi look to see Amber being lifted into the ceiling Kicking and Screaming....Snake aims his Gun only to be bashed over the Head with Amber's Now Discarded Laser Gun..)
Snake ( Being Sprayed with Amber's Blood ): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ( He gets Blood In the Mouth and starts to spit ) SPFFTTTT...SPFTTTHTTT! AUGH,,, GROSS!
( Dark, Junkee, and Mark run in and see Snake splattered with Amber's Blood, the Slim Jim Guy, and one very disturbed Jedi A. Malcom. )
Jedi: Craaaaaaaaap.
LATER....
( The Survivors have Gathered in the Mess Hall )
Snake: I have reconfigured the Laser Rifle to Be very very dangerous...that way we can kill this thing Faster!
Junkee: It's using the Airvents to get around....
Dark: Right, someone is gonna go in and flush it out into the Airlock!
Jedi: I volunteer!
Dark: No....I'll go!
Junkee: What?
Dark: Junkee, you and Malcom go secure the Airlock, Snake and Mark go to the Vent where Amber was killed and patch it, I'm going in!
LATER....
( While Jedi and Junkee are Securing an Airlock and Snake and Mark are Sealing up Every Airvent on every deck. Dark is crawling though the Ducts himself, armed with only a Laser Gun , a Flashlight, a Radio, and his Bomber Jacket. )
Dark: I'm at Sector 1...STATUS!
Jedi ( On Radio ): Airlock Open
Mark ( On Radio ) : Sealing last Vent!
Dark: Good, Moving on!
( Dark closes the Duct in front of him and climbs upward, only to run smack dab into the Spammer going downwards )
Dark: Uh Oh
( Jedi, Junkee, Snake, and Mark were the only ones left now....)
Later....
( The Survivors gather in the Mess Hall again )
Jedi: I am in Command Now, Instead of Lt. Malcom, I wanna be called Captain Malcom!
Junkee: Okay Lt. Captain!
Mark: I want to get off this Ship!
Jedi: We can't, the shuttle only holds 3!
Mark: Well, we can draw straws! Guy who stays behind can blow up the ship!
Snake: Mark might be right, if we can just---
Jedi: Will you all just listen to me? SHUT UP! We know it's using the Airvents, and those are all sealed off, we just need to Compartmentalize...Snake, you and Junkee do this. Mark and I will stay on the bridge to monitor the Spammer!
( Junkee and Snake leave, Mark goes into the Cockpit and sits at his Seat...)
Mark: This is just getting too wierd!
Jedi ( Standing over Mark ): Really?
Mark: Yeah, this Bastard out smarted us....killed 3 of us...and caused mass chaos, not to mention that only Dark Hunter and Amber Comment on these Stories!
Jedi: Strange,,,
Snake ( On Radio ): Malcom? Open the Airlock
Jedi: Why?
Snake ( On Radio ): That Damn Thing is standing outside the Airlock! Open the doors!
Mark: Opening!
Snake ( OR ): Good, it's going in...( Alarm goes off ) DAMIT!
Jedi: Get outta there Snake!...Snake?
( Jedi runs off to get Snake )
Computer: OXYGEN LEVEL DROPPING!!
Mark: What? Why?
Computer: DAMAGE TO INNER AIRLOCK DOOR, OUTER DOOR OPEN...
Mark: Close outer door!
Computer: DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Mark: Oh...Crap! Mark to Junkee, get to the Airlock room, bring some Oxygen...
LATER....
( Mark and Junkee enter the Mess Hall, dragging an Unconscious Snake and a Unconscious Jedi....)
Mark: Snake saw that thing outside the Airlock, we were that close to killing it...then BAM! The Alarm went off!
Junkee: Yes, I was coincidently inside my Science Lab studying this Spammer!
( Jedi wakes up )
Jedi: I gotta talk to Computer!
Junkee: I'm afraid I can't allow that!
Jedi: Why?
Junkee: Becuase The Company has given me full command of the Ship, you 3 are hereby ordered to return to your Duties?
Jedi: What the Fuck?
( Jedi punches Junkee in the Face, Junkee dosent flinch. By then, Snake wakes up as Mark grabs a Laser Gun )
Junkee: I'm afraid you'll have to do more than that!
( Jedi punches Junkee in the Face a Few times and causes Junkee to bleed....up the blood is white! )
Jedi: WHA?
( Junkee grabs Jedi's Neck with Both Hands . Mark slams the Gun over Junkee's Head, and Junkee punches Mark aside...Snake grabs a Fire Ax off the Wall and with one blow...OFFS JUNKEE'S HEAD! )
Junkee's Head: WHY YOU LITTLE!
( Junkee's Body turns and goes after Snake. Mark readies his Gun and fires into Junkee's Bodie's Back and Destroys it...)
( Jedi gets up and violently grabs Junkee's Head )
Jedi: ALLRIGHT! TELL ME! HOW DO WE KILL THIS THING!
JunkeeHead: You can't....it's got that Magical Indestructable thing you see in Movies, watch Halloween if you want to know my meaning!
Anyway..You are all Expendable, Seth, Amber, Dark, ALL OF YOU....Even Me...Uh Oh....DEATH TO THE COMPANY!
Jedi: TOO LATE FOR THAT!
( Jedi chucks Junkee's Head into The Disposal Unit and watches it Desintigrate! )
Snake: Come on, lets get the hell outta here!
( Jedi and Snake grab Laser Rifles as Mark grabs a Gas Gun )
Jedi: If we blow the Engines, how long do we have until the ship blows?
Snake: 2 Minutes...
Jedi: Good!
( They go around a Corner when all of the sudden, The SPAMMER comes out of nowhere, throws Jedi aside like a Rag Doll, Jams a Straw into Snakes head, and Punches a Hole in Mark's Gut )
Jedi: FOUL SMELLING CAT LITTER!
( Jedi runs away and climbs a Ladder, next thing he knows he is in a Dark Room. )
Voice: Owwwwwww....wwwwww......
Jedi: Hello?
Voice: Malllccoommmm....Killll meee...
Jedi: Captain Hunter?
( Jedi produces a light and sees 2 shapes fused into the wall, one of which is clearly Dark Hunter )
Jedi: Oh My God, what did it do?
Dark: Killl Me.... Please...
( Jedi looks at the Next Shape, the only human part of it was Amber's Ruined Head...)
Jedi: Amber....My God...You'll never get your Money Now...
Dark: Please, kill meeee....the Spammer...must...not...reproduce....
Jedi: I see!
( Jedi lets loose with the Laser and blows up both Dark and Amber's Corpse )
Jedi: And that is that!
( Jedi runs all the way to the Engine room to find the Self Destruct Button and presses it )
Computer: SELF DESTRUCT STARTING, ALL PERSONEL GET OUT!
( Jedi runs again, he could be a Marathon Runner since he's making good time! And he finally makes it into the Shuttle and skips all launch checks to just Blast Off.... )
Computer ( As Jedi moves the Escape Shuttle away from the Noshowmo ) : 5...4...3..2...1..0....Good bye!
BOOM
( The Noshowmo blows up )
BOOM BOOM BOOM
( The Explosion gets to the Cargo of 20 Million Dollars )
BOOOM BOOOOOOMMMM BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM BOOOOOOMMMM SECONDARY EXPLOSIONS!
( The Nuclear Engine Blows )
Jedi: Yes! I made it!
Spammer: Not today!
( Jedi turns and sees the Spammer painfully pull himself out of a Cardboard Box )
Jedi: This is just getting wierd!
Spammer: Tell me about it!
Jedi: I WILL KILL YOU!
( Jedi runs into the Closet, puts on a Spacesuit and grabs a Gun )
Jedi: Time for me to get rid of you the same way I got rid of my last set of Underwear!
( Jedi emerges from the Closet in Spacesuit and sits down.. )
Jedi: Wanna go for a Ride?
Spammer: What?
( Jedi opens the Shuttle door, all the air is sucked out...The Spammer grabs on to something )
Spammer: Not on my watch! ( Jedi aims his Gun at the Spammer ) don't you dare!
( Jedi fires, a Spear flies out, but the End of the Spear unfolds into a PLUNGER! )
Spammer : What the hell?
( The Plunger strikes the Spammer in the Face, and the Spammer lets go of all it's Handhold to Yank the Plun ger off his Face...and he goes flying out the door. Jedi closes the Door. )
Jedi: CAN YOU FLY YOU SUCKER?
Spammer: Yes....
Jedi: Oh..shit!
( Jedi manipulates the Controls to hit the Spammer with his Shuttle then Set it on fire with the Engines....The Shuttle zooms through space leaving behind a Very Pissed Spammer )
Spammer: I'LL BE BACK! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE SEQUELS!
Jedi: Yes I can!
( The Shuttle Zooms though space...)
Jedi ( Taking off his Suit ): It's Over....I'm gonna go to sleep....
( Jedi crawls into a Cryo Tube and closes it...The Narrator walks out of nowhere )
Narrator: IS THIS THE END! HELL NO! BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR....SPAM ATTACK 2! Now where is the Exit?
6/30/2003 6:33:18 PM
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