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SPAM Attack! Part 1 of 3
By Dino-Snore
U.S.D.A. TUGBOAT STARSHIP CRUISER NOSHOWMO
CREW: 7
CARGO: 20 MILLION DOLLARS
COURSE: HOME
( In the Darkness of Outer Space, as opposed to Inner Space and Space, the USDA Tugboat Starship Cruiser Nowhowmo glides along in space, tugging behind it is 20 Million Dollars worth of Cargo. All of it stashed away in a Cargo Bay. )
( Suddenly, in the Cockpit of the Mighty Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo, 2 Computers light up for the first time in Months )
Computer 1: Yawn
Computer 2: Morning!
Computer 1: Why we awake?
Computer 2: We got Mail.
Computer 1: Really? Let's Hear it!
( Information Passes between Computers )
Computer 1: Gosh, should we wake the Crew?
Computer 2: Sure, why not? They're really not Required to be on these Tugboat Starship Cruiser Class Vehicles!
Computer 1: Waking Now...Turning on Life Support and Main Power Generators....Hold on a Sec!
Computer 2: What?
Computer 1: If the Generators were off, why are we talking to oneanot----( Both Computers Die )
( Within a Few Minutes, Every Blinking Light on the Ship starts to Blink, and within the Crew Quarters of the Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo, 7 Cryo-Chambers Slowly open, and the Crew of the Mighty Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo are starting to Auto-Rotate. When that was done, the First of the Them, The Ship's Pilot Seth Rex, gets up, breathes a bit, stands up and promptly Smacks his Head on the Ceiling. )
( Later, the Brave Crew of the Mighty Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo sit in the Mess Hall, Eating Breakfeast.But on a Note, what they are eating is Edible, but NOT Food! Sitting in Clockwise Order are....
Navigator Mark: Constantly Whining, Nervous and Jittery.
3rd Officer/Radioman Jedi A. Malcom: The Most Cautious Guy in the Fleet.
Technichian Amber: Has no Imagination, just there for Money
Engineer Snake-Mark: Party Animal, Also there for Money.
2nd Officer/Pilot Seth Rex: The Pioneer and Mister Curious.
Science Officer JPJunkee: The New Guy, no one knows much about him.
And Captain Dark Hunter: He's...uh...uh....Just the Captain! )
Mark: I'm Cold!
Snake: Still with us, Amber?
Amber: Not now, I'm resting my Eyes!
Seth: I feel like Shit....
Snake: You do!
Amber: Uh, Captain?
Dark: Yeah?
Amber: I feel that Mr. Snake and I feel like we've been mistreated 'cause we notice that we only get 3 Thousand Bucks as opposed to your 27 Thousand!
Dark: Don't worry, You get your Pay!
Snake: You Sure?
Dark Hunter: Yes!
BEEP BEEP BEEP DOO-BEEP!
JPJunkee: Captain, the Comp!
Dark Hunter: Yeah, I know! For me only...Okay, everyone finish your Meal and get Dressed, I don't want a Bunch of Nudists under my Command!
( Dark Hunter gets up, gets Dressed, and walks into the Computer Room that's just off the Cockpit. )
Dark Hunter: Morning Computer.
Computer: Good Morning, Dave!
MEANWHILE
( Seth, Jedi, Mark, and JPJunkee sit at their Action Stations on the Cockpit. )
Jedi: Ready?
Seth: Yep, Plug us in!
( Jedi flips all "Activate Console" Switches, every Panel and Display light up. )
JPJunkee: Thanks!
Mark: Where's Home?
Seth: You're the Navigator! Scan! Hey Malcom, call Control!
Jedi ( Into Radio ) : HELLO, HELLO? I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SAY GOODBYE, I SAY HELLLLOOOOOOO! Damn, Sir, I didn't get anything?
Seth: That's Because you did NOTHING!
Nark: Pinpointed where we are, right next to the Solar System of Eternal Doom.
Seth: Get the Captain!
LATER....
( Snake and Amber are walking down a Corridor towards the Mess Hall, in the Middle of an Arguement. )
Snake: I still don't know why anyone comes down here....Probably because of the Effect of No Showers on Ship...You Smell Funny!
Amber: Yeah but, We Still only get 3 G's as opposed to 27!
Snake: Same Old Crap! The Only people I trust are you and me!
( They enter the Mess Hall and go up to the Others )
Snake: Junkee?
JPJunkee: Yeah?
Snake: You are in my chair!
JPJunkee: Sorry!
( JPJunkee gets up, Snake Dust-Busters the Seat and takes his Usual Spot between Amber and Seth. )
Dark Hunter:Some of you are aware of the Fact we are nowhere Near Home! And I am the Only one Aware of this: we recieved an Email!
Crew: ( Murmurs )
Seth: Human?
Dark Hunter:No
Jedi: Humanoid?
Dark: No
Mark: Is it SPAM?
Dark: YES!
Snake: Woah! This is a Commercial Ship, not a StrikeShip!
Amber: I WANT MONEY!
Dark Hunter: NEVER!
JPJunkee: You Dont go, you dont get pay!
Snake: So...That Means we get no Money either way!
Dark: But don't worry Snake, you and I are the only ones with Combat Experience so we can lead the Crew to--
Snake: Death?
Amber: Screw it, we're going in...
Snake: Yeah....
Dark: ALLRIGHT, LET'S MOVE OUT!
( Snake and Amber head back to work. The Control Crew heads to the Cockpit. Mark sits at his Station. )
Mark: Plotting Course...What does the Message Sound like so I can pinpoint it?
( Jedi fiddles with a Couple of Buttons at his Station. Suddenly....)
Alien Message: WORTWORTWORT, ARGGGHHHH, WARBLODA! HATHAT!
Seth: GOOD GOD!
Alien Messgae: Tell me about it!
LATER....
Mark: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, BLAST OFF!
( The Noshowmo Lander Seperates from the Mothership and heads for Planet Hell. )
Seth: Roll 90 Degrees Port Yaw...
Jedi: Activate Comm-Sat.
Mark: Prime the Thrusters...
JPJunkee: Extend Telemetry Scanners...
Amber ( On Radio ): HOLD ON! I CAN ONLY DO IT ONE AT A TIME!
( The Lander Starts Shaking. )
Snake: We lost a Thruster...
Dark: Go with it!
( The Shaking is worsening )
Snake: We lost the other one!
Dark: Go with it!
( An Explosion is heard )
Snake: HULL BREACH!
Dark: Go with it!
( A Metal Screach is heard )
Snake: The Nuclear Reactor is Leaking!
Dark: Go with it!
( Several Explosions shake the Ship )
Snake: Internal Inertia Control is gone!
Dark: Go with it!
JPJunkee: We can land now!
Dark: Kill Drive Engines!
( Every Remaining Engine on the Mighty Tugboat Starship Cruiser Noshowmo's Lander-Craft Shut Down, and the Ship DROPS LIKE A BRICK onto the Ground, Fire Rips through the Cockpit, Everyone except Dark fights for their Lives. )
Dark: Activate the Landing Legs!
Snake ( On Radio ): Sorry, but we're all in a Jam down here in the Engine Room!
LATER....
Dark: Computer, what is the Dmage level of the Noshowmo Lander?
Computer: DAMAGE LEVEL 10: THIS SHIP HAS BEEN DESTROYED, THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS!
Dark: Malcom, go help Snake and Amber in Engineering!
Jedi: Why me? Seth has been an Engineer before!
Dark: Not now, the Writer has plans for Seth!
( Jedi runs off to Engineering. )
Dark: Wheres that Spammer?
JPJunkee: 5 Clicks South of here, You'll need a Spacesuit!
Seth: I volunteer!
Dark: Right! Mark, you too!
Mark: Great!
Dark: Someone break open the Weapons Locker and Collect ALL the Assalt Weapons!
Narrator: What will the Strike Team Find? A Cliche? I dunno, find out in SPAM ATTACK! PART 2 OF 3!
6/26/2003 12:58:04 PM
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