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ALAN GRANT AND ELLIE SATTLER: THE LOVE IS GONE (Ch. 2)
By Darth Rancor
ALAN GRANT AND ELLIE SATTLER: THE LOVE IS GONE
A Tale of Shattered Dreams and Bitter Tears
Chapter 2 of 6,849
By William M. Svensen, Internet Paleoartist and Internet Asshole
It was high noon, and Dr. Alan Grant, the most famous paleontologist who ever existed, besides all the other paleontologists more famous than him, was in agony. It had been a solid hour since he'd last had a beer and the lights in this goddamned Alcoholics Anonymous room were too fucking bright, Jesus Christ. He shoved his floppy felt hat farther down on his skull-shaped head and grumbled under his breath.
Finally it was his turn to speak. Like a drugged bear, he lurched awkwardly to his feet, fighting off the haze from the paint thinner he'd huffed while driving here. “Hello, my Alan is name Grant, and I'm only here because that cocksucker judge made me come.”
The counsellor shook his effeminate head. “Mr. Grant, we do not call judges rooster-suckers.”
“You don' tell me what to do, I dig up bones and that makes me smart!” Alan roared, showering those seated nearby with spittle.
A man seated behind him stood up. “Come on man, sit down,” he said.
“I don't take orders from a hinge crank!” Grant bellowed, confusing everyone because they didn't know what “hinge crank” meant and the man was white. Abruptly he calmed down. “I aint had a drink in about an hour and I'm dyin'.” Then he sat down in his cheap folding metal chair and belched.
Next a woman stood up. “My name is Amy Benda, and I'm-”
“WOOOOOOO!!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!!” Everyone turned to stare at Grant, who had suddenly managed to get hold of a beer hat. He was sipping furiously, and the alcohol was mixing with the buzz from the paint thinner.
“Mr. Grant, this is an AA meeting!” the counsellor said. Grant threw his chair at him and dove out the window. Upon reaching the ground outside he began running home.
Ellie Sattler was looking at a dandelion through a magnifying glass when Grant burst into their home, bleeding and drunk. At some point he'd traded his beer hat for a giant foam cowboy hat.
“Bake me a pie, woman!” he snarled, and turned on the TV.
“How was youir day, dear?” Ellie asked.
“Shut up! The Plannet's Funniest Animals is about to start!” Dejectedly, Ellie went in the kitchen, where all women belong, and got to work on the pie. In the living room she heard Grant chortle heartily (and drunkenly). “Oh, that Matt Gellant! What won't he say?”
An hour later, Ellie brought Grant his pie just as the fourth consecutive episode of The Planet's Funniest Animals began, because they show that show all the time, that and those damn animal cop shows. She was almost back in the kitchen when Grant called to her. She turned just in time to get the pie right in her paleobotanist face. The heavy ceramic plate broke her nose, and scalding hot pie filling got into her eyes and nostrils. Grant laughed uproariously, while Ellie screamed in pain, clawing at her face, which was a mess of superheated pie filling and blood. Then the police, called by the neighbors, burst into the room, threw a heavy net over grant, and began jabbing him with cattle prods.
NEXT EPISODE: RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY!
11/13/2003 11:24:44 PM
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