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    #185
    In "The Naked Gun 33 1/3", the Academy awards sequence fetures a JP spoof called "Geriatric Park". A scene shows a Grant-type going up against a 3-story grandpa, only to be crushed by a giant walker. (From: 'Ianspino')
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    Castaway
    By Darc-Man

    Left. Right. Left again. The regular motion was barely noticed now, his body moving exactly the same way over and over again, it's shifting back and forth now an automatic act. There had been pain two days ago, but now it felt as though his sides and back were protected by one great callus. He was mostly dry, and had a few rations of water and food remaining. He knew enough to conserve his energy and to lie in the shade as much as possible to help his body retain the moisture it would shed faster were he under the suns rays. Accompanying the movement was a not-quite regular 'toc' sound. This was the ball which made up the self-bailing system on the life raft. The ball sat in a vertical tube and moved up and down the tube as waves raised and lowered the raft. In this way water could leave the raft as the ball moved to the bottom of the tube, but could not enter it when the ball reached the top of the tube and sealed it off. These thoughts on life raft engineering had passed through his head either today or yesterday. Or was it yesterday now? It was tough to tell. Karst was no longer angry with his situation, at the captain for his bullshit shortcuts and drunken fuel calculations. He had been on the bridge of the superyacht when it happened. The captain was in the head at the time. He had probably died bathed in sewage as the ship inverted. Karst had been talking to the crewman manning the helm when the man had fallen silent at the sound of the radar's indication of a moving reflection ahead. On the radar screen the whole of the horizon had risen up to a height of 120 feet. The crewman immediately put the bow dead on to the contact and called a warning over the yacht's intercom of the monster wave bearing down on them. That action had probably saved at least one life, though he had seen no one else since the expensive boat inverted end over end. The helmsman had calmly told those aboard what steps were to be taken as he backed off the throttles so as not to bury the bows into the trough of the wave. Confused, panicked voices were heard throughout the ship. No doubt, the captain was barely aware of what was happening. He had had all too much tequila two days before and was not able to keep any food down, and had been bound to the toilet night and day.
    The helmsman instructed Karst to fetch them both lifejackets from a locker off the bridge, and to put one on him and to don one himself. A pair of spotlights were trained forward into the night as they both waited for the monster to appear. Completely ignoring the helmsman's instructions, the 15 passengers appeared on deck without life preservers of any kind. The helmsman grabbed the microphone for the PA to rage at them but fell silent before uttering a sound. Over the sound of the engines and the shouting people, a low rumble rose. Still, nothing appeared in the spotlights, though the radar now showed a completely solid horizon approaching swiftly now 500 meters away. There was no vibration, just the sound, now a roar. Then, the deck began to slowly tilt forward........and the unmoving lights illuminated what appeared to be a vertical wall of black water. They were moving into the trough of the wave. Karst knew then the people on the deck were dead. He gripped the doorway and began to hyperventilate, readying himself for extended time underwater.
    Food was on Karst's mind. How could he get any? Perhaps a seagull might land on the raft and he could catch it. He would not hesitate to eat every single part of it he could. He'd eat the beak and bones. Several neon monkeys had joined him on the raft in the last day or two. When his foodgull landed he knew he would have to fight the monkeys for it. They were already strategically placed around the raft to increase their chances of getting to the gull before he did. They weren't going to make it easy for him. A plan was clearly called for.
    Karst was well familiar with the sounds around him. With the way the boat moved as well. The combination of those two made him familiar with changes in weather and sea conditions. He knew from the first gust of wind and increase in wave action that a storm was approaching, something the raft handled well at least. Sometimes when the raft rolled, water would come in, though the bailers took care of that. At least until those damned glowing apes decided to plug them up. His skin felt odd from the salt residue the water left on him when he was splashed.
    While scratching an itch on his leg, Karst noticed the change. Once he returned his hand to its position beside him, he felt stickiness when he closed his fist. He at first paid it little mind; his skin had cracked from the sun and bled several times in several different places now. He opened his eyes briefly to note the position of the sun. Unable to see it, he raised his head......in time to catch a wave of pink water in the face. He was taken completely by surprise. He coughed on his side for almost a minute before his airway was clear. Where had that come from? The wind was all wrong for waves like that, and the raft had definitely been rolling gently. Now though, the raft was being tossed almost randomly. And...........pink? Did pink mean a ship? Had someone dropped a strawberry daiquiri of the side of a pleasure yacht? Of course not. Such things must make sense to someone who was feeling the way he was feeling. Maybe the monkeys had started killing each other in the water. Or was it just a trick? New sounds; a thrashing in the water, along with an odd sound that lasted for several seconds at a time. Drops of water, then larger amounts were tossed into the boat as he neared whatever was thrashing. The odd sound again; it made Karst think of a very long zipper being undone, but in short bursts. This sound brought his mind back to reality swiftly. The unzipping sound was now accompanied by a sound that made his skin crawl; a wet near-grunting sound. Several dozen liters of now-red water splashed over the cowering man, bringing with it several solids. He fished around the boat beside him and touched one of the unknown bits. Holding it before his eyes, he saw it was mostly white, and was slippery. It had a soft, spongy feel and was ragged all around. Karst's eyes went wide, and he dropped the thing; the piece of shredded whale blubber sliding to one side of him. Another great splash of water entered the raft, in time with the grunting-tearing sound. His heart beat swiftly now, causing his malnourished and dehydrated body pain. Slowly he raised himself to his elbows and dropped himself on one side. He raised his head over the side of the raft facing the sounds and gasped. It was not a gasp one would give upon seeing a surprise, nor even upon receiving terrible news. Karst's gasp went on and on as he fell back into the raft, staring upwards. He emptied his lungs completely, his eyes open so wide blood ran from the edges. His body shook once, violently. He did not refill his lungs.

    4/9/2005 1:51:11 AM

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